# Catachan Crowe, Fighting Around the Galaxy



## CommissarHorn (Apr 14, 2008)

“Catachan Crowe, Fighting Around the Galaxy” is about a Catachan that loves fighting. Armed with his Catachan knife, Catachan hunting skills and Catachan (Australian) accent, we follow Crowe on his adventure through the galaxy, picking fights... and loving them!


The scene opens with large Imperial block letters covered in blood “Catachan Crowe, Fighting around the galaxy”. 
The words disappear and we are presented with another scene, a large metal room with a large hinged door, no windows and only one wooden table in the centre. At the table is seated an Ultramarine Space marine Captain, looking confused as to why he is there and situated in the middle of the table is a small out-of-place pot plant. 

Suddenly the plant explodes in a shower of dirt and flora, and out leaps a large, over muscled human. His face and skin is dirty and camo smeared and across his forehead is tied a grubby green bandanna. The muscular human smiles and waves at you..
“G'day mate! I'm Catachan Crowe and welcome to Fightin' 'round The Galaxy with Catachan Crowe. In this here episode, I'm gonna do what I do best, fightin', and I gotta tell ya, I sure love fightin'!”

Looking around the room, Catachan Crowe spots the startled Marine Captain. 
The Marine Captain points at Crowe. “Hey! Your one of those Deathworld Veterans from Catachan!” The Catachan suddenly glowers in annoyance and repeats the Marine in a whiny tone “Oh! Your a Deathworld veteran from Catachan!” Pulling out his 24 inch Catachan Combat knife, Crowe shouts at the Marine in his distinct Catachan accent. “Shut the fuck up! Ya Vagina! Come here and fight!”	
Furious, the Space Marine powers up his chainsword and charging forward, cleaves apart the Catachan's right arm. “Oi! Now your gonna get it ya bastard!” Diving forward, Crowe swoops up his knife with his teeth and uppercuts the Marine with his remaining left arm. Just as the Marine staggers back from the punch, Crowe slashes apart the Ultramarine's throat with his Catachan knife wedged between his teeth. The Marine reels back and drops with a loud clank as his armour hits the floor, blood spilling from his open bloody neck. 

Retrieving his right arm from the floor, Crowe looks at you, blood gushing to the floor from where his right arm was supposed to be and still with his 24 inch knife, wedged in between his teeth.
“Naw 'at wa' ey 'ood ight!” Crowe spits the knife out from his mouth. “Bloody oath! I'm feelin' happy! And what do I love when I'm feelin' happy?... fightin'!”


----------



## lawrence96 (Sep 1, 2008)

how starnge and yet how absolutely hilarous

+rep!


----------



## Rafen (Oct 21, 2008)

I love fightin that was an awsome story (cant wait for the next installment)
(^_^);


----------



## CaptainFatty (Nov 9, 2008)

epic. truly epic

no mention of the warhammer dogs?


----------



## CommissarHorn (Apr 14, 2008)

Nope, I whent lone wolf on this one.
But I'd thank south park and alcohol.


----------



## Sniper (Mar 9, 2008)

very funny, the idea is from family guy isnt it?:mrgreen:

Sniper


----------



## Gambit14 (Aug 30, 2008)

good parody of south park


----------



## Sniper (Mar 9, 2008)

Ah no you guys are right, got my funny shhow mixed up again:angry: funny so far though..... next installment....... nope not yet:no:

Sniper


----------



## CommissarHorn (Apr 14, 2008)

Here have it, more useless fiction from Horn. I don't want it, so take it! Take it all!!

Abbaddon strode through his high altar, devoted to the merciless Gods of Chaos who in over the ages have supplied Abbaddon with constant glory and gifts. The dark, eeri Temple on the Warlord's Flag ship stunk of fresh blood and rotting intestines, newly sacrificed atop the bloody sacrificial stone. Abbaddon watched his Sorcerours conjure the portal of Vlamos in order to summon horrid, cunning deamon of Tzeentch, Durak.

Suddendly the temple dimmed as the shadows swam around, turning and twisting, forming horrendous shapes. “Argh! No!” Blood gashed up across Abbaddon as a sorcerer's exploded. “Its coming!” The magicians screamed, aghast, as a thin sneer appeared across the Warlord's gray face. The ship shook, the shadows spun furiously. Suddenly without warning everything stopped. Abbaddon's smile turned to confusion. “Is it here?” The magicians look as confused as their master. “It was coming...its gone... it seems to have left, master!” This was not what their Master hoped for. “Why is it fucking gone?! Its your hea...” Suddenly a twisting sickly blue portal materialised on the Altar, throwing out what seems to be the carcass of a deamon, twisted features of a screamer. Aghast, the magicians begun wailing. “This must be it! Its dead!” Abbaddon was furious. “How can it be dead?!” The Portal suddendly widened and out jumped another body but this time it stood up and seemed alive. It was a male human figure, smaller than Abbaddon but still large for a human, with messy hair kept in check with a grimy green bandanna, rippling muscles, mostly covered with camo and a dirty white singlet . The man was clutching onto a machete covered in black oozing blood and he was looking down at the deamon's carcass. “Gotcha ya bastard! Bloody demon, fightin's for men!”The large man looks up at something “G'day mate! I'm Catachan Crowe and welcome to Catachan Crowe Fightin' 'round the Galaxy, in this here episode, we're gonna do some good ol' fightin', and I gotta say, I sure love fightin'!” Glancing around Crowe's eyes widened as he noticed Abbaddon “Crikey your a big bastard!” Abbaddon was furious. “Who the fuck are you?!”
“Oi, don't take that tone with me ya vagina, Come on and fight!” Abbaddon bellowed in rage and charged the Catachan but the Catachan leaped back and merged among the shadows, dissapearing. “What the fuck is happening?!?” The warlord stared questioningly at his sorcerours but they only returned an equally confused stare. “Find him!” Several of Abbaddon's most experienced veteran Terminators, standing guard by the Temple doors, animated into action and spread out to search for the unlikely intruder. Chaos Terminator Veteran Alung swiftly moved about the shadows, scanning the darkness, seeing as if it was day. He was a Chaos marine, he didn't need his helmet to aid him. The Temple's left wall was safe, nothing was lurking behind the altar and the random torso high grass bush behind the altar was clear... Wait a minute, thought Alung. There was no random torso high bloody grass bush behind the alt... Alung didn't finish his second thought as a surprisingly sharp spear shot out from the bush, piercing his skull and spraying blood all over the Terminator behind him, who jumped out of the spear's way but stepped into a noose and was dragged up towards the roof, suspended by a thick rope, tied around one of his feet. A Terminator screeched in pain as he clumsily stepped through a thin trap wire, had half his leg blown off by a demolition charge and his exposed groin pierced with shrapnel. Abbaddon's Captain fired desperately into the darkness of the altar but a powerful camo smeared arm clutching a 23 inch Catachan Jungle knife wrapped itself around his head and within a second sliced open the captain's throat, exposing the marine's veins and sparying a fountain of blood onto the altar. Another Veteran Chaos Marine gurgled and gasped, choking on his own blood, as a large stake had swung from the roof into the back of his head and was sticking out of his mouth.

Horrified, Abbaddon was in more dismay. He had not felt such fear in a long time and his elite Chaos Marine Bodyguards were being picked off, fast. “What in the name of Chaos are you?” Frowning, the Catachan jumped from the shadows, tossed his Catachan Jungle knife into its sheath and clenched his fists. “Im Catachan Crowe, and I'm fightin' 'round the galaxy!” Retaining his composure, Abbaddon charged the human. “This is a fucking guardsmen, a human!” Swinging forward with his lightning claw, Abbaddon was certain he would end the human's life. Catachan Crowe had other ideas. He dodged the Warlord's claws by ducking and with a clenched Catachan fist, punched Abbaddon in the face. Abbaddon reeled back, more from surprise than harm. Crowe didn't waste time and with fast Catachan actions, grabbed his knife and stabbed it directly into Abbaddons Claw of Horus thing. To Abbaddon's horror the Claw sizzled and sparked, then suddenly exploded, completely shredding apart most of Abbaddon's right arm. “Right, that'll teach you a lesson you bugger! That was some nice fightin', and I sure love fightin'!” 
Abbaddon was not a virgin to pain and his rage blocked most of it out anyway. Roaring insanely the Warlord was going to introduce the arrogant mortal to true suffering. 

Unfortunately the mortal was no where to be found. He had dissapeared as abruptly as he had entered. With a sudden crash, the Altar doors burst open and in swarmed the loyal Chaos Marines of Abbaddon's Black Legion. “Master! Whats going on? Whats that on your back?”. With his remaining arm , still fuming about the insolent Catachan, Abbaddon reached over his back and found a square pack about the size of his helmet. Glancing at it Abbaddon noticed the bright red numbers flashing across a screen. 4..3..2..1..
“Fuck”


----------



## Crimson_fists (Oct 19, 2008)

Genius work CommissarHorn! You just gottta love an australian catachan. + rep!


----------



## CaptainFatty (Nov 9, 2008)

nice

can't wait for more


----------



## CommissarHorn (Apr 14, 2008)

Heres more crap from Horn.


The scene opens with a burly looking human hiding behind a small portable grass bush and is wearing a dirty singlet, a dirty green bandanna across his forehead and dark green camo smeared all over his rippling muscles. Standing up the human addresses you. “G'day mate! I'm Catachan Crowe and welcome to Catcahan Crowe's 'Fightin' Round The Galaxy'! In this 'ere episode we're on a Craft World and 'ave a look at the infamous Elder. Now these blokes 'ave mighty reflexes which makes em bloody fast buggers. Some good fighters, and I gotta say, I sure love fightin'!”

The camera pans away from Catachan Crowe to reveal where Crowe is actually hiding. It seems he's inside the interior of an Elder Craft World, the floor is a spotless blue marble and the ceiling a white smooth surface. Around Crowe are about half a dozen confused Elder Guardians wondering what they should do about the unlikely intruder. “I wonder what we should do about this unlikely intruder.” “I don't know, lets wait for the Exarch.” “Hey isn't that one of those jungle guys?”

Suddenly from the bush erupts Crowe and forming an annoyed face makes his ears pointy with his hands. He begins repeating the guardian in a high pitched whiny voice “Isn't that one of those jungle guys? Ooh I'm an Elder, look at my pointy ears! Oh Never seen a real Guarsmen before!” Then clenching his fists at the surprised Elder starts yelling at them in his Catachan (Australian) accent. “Oi ya bastard! Come on an' FIGHT!” Without warning Crowe punches the nearest Elder Guardian in the face, sending him flying onto his back. The Guardians, spring into action and surround Crowe with quick fluid movements. “Come on ya scrotum!”

Exarch Sesh' A Fiel hurried to the boarding ramp where his Guardians asked for confirmed assistance. He couldn't hide the astonished look on his face upon entering the Boarding section of the ship. Directly in front of him stood an enormous human Catachan with rippling muscles way above 6 foot and around him lay the remains of his Guardian squad although about 5 of them were still latched onto the Catachan's back, arms and legs. “Get off me ya Rectum!” Grabbing hold of a Guardian on his back, the Catachan lifted the Elder in front of his face and punched him in the gut sending the poor guardian crashing onto the marble floor. Then kicking off the remaining Elder from his legs, the Catachan spotted Sesh' A Fiel. 
“Crikey your an emaculate bugger!” The Exarch had to duck swiftly as one of his Elder was flung towards him. Unsheathing his sword, Sesh' A shouted a furious challenge and charged the bloody fisted Catachan but before the Exarch had reached the Human, something gripped his ankle, suddenly Fiel was lifted from the ground, upside down. Sending a telepathic alarm to the Farseer, all he saw next was the huge bloody fist of an enormous Catachan and darkness.

Seconds later the Farseer burst into the Boarding ramp, “Surren..” Crowe head butted the Farseer. Swarming into the room from behind the newly concussed Farseer came dozens upon dozens of raging Guardians, Harlequins and Banshees intent on revenge. 
“Crikey more buggers!”

A Harlequin leaped above Crowe to cleave him apart but was punched in the face, another Guardian tried to hit Crowe from behind but was met with an elbow in the lungs and dropped instantly. Howling Banshees lunged with their chainswords and were rewarded with a screaming, writhing Guardian's body swung full force into them by a grinning Crowe, knocking them into each other. 
“Come on ya Bastards! I sure love Fightin'....”


----------



## Benidem (May 13, 2008)

i can only assume this is what saturday morning cartoons in the Imperium are like i'd certianly watch it


----------



## CaptainFatty (Nov 9, 2008)

another nice one

keep 'em up ya vagina


----------

