# Story Ideas Thread!



## dark angel

So, I was sitting here, and I realised something. 

There's no-where, really, where you can post a story idea _before _it's done and get some constructive criticism. I've posted plenty over the years I've been here, to varying degrees of success. It's mostly, I think, because of my lack of planning - Though, also because of a short-attention span. I'm always getting new ideas and dropping the others for them, leaving a long, _long _string of incomplete works. 

So, why not have a place where we can post some ideas, and get comments on them? Maybe suggest stories to other writers, share characters, anything. Personally, I think it's a good idea, though I do understand the apprehension to posting your brainchildren online. I've many plotlines that need hammering out, so this is brilliant for me. For others? Who knows!

I'll kick off the show; 

*Misthophoros*

Ariston of Athens is a self-made exile, having fled his _polis _after the brutal murder of a fellow citizen; an act that has damned both his name and reputation as an honourable man. After a run in with Phoenician pirates in the Aegean, Ariston soon finds his true calling - _War_. Upon arriving in Canopus, on the coast of Aegypt, Ariston seeks out Memnon of Rhodes; a man of God-like brilliance, filled with honour and ruthless ambition. Here starts Ariston's journey, and descent, into a violent world of bloodshed, rape and pillage - All in the service of his sworn enemy, the Persian Empire. From the hills of Attica to the banks of the Indus, Ariston of Athens comes to know three things - Bronze, blood and gold. 

[*Misthophoros *_is meant for adult audiences. It's going to be bloody and lustful. Ariston's transformation from a young, honourable man into a greedy, leathery killer won't be pretty - There's going to be plenty of battles, sieges and fleet actions, first under Memnon and the Persians and later with Alexander and the Macedonians. It's meant to highlight the depravity of man, the lust and and longing for conquest, for women - And, for many characters, men - And wealth. Ariston's no hero, and neither will his companions be. He's fighting for an Empire that slaughtered his ancestors and that will be something that hangs heavily upon him for much of the story. But then, he asks himself, isn't Alexander nothing more than a mercurial, half-mad tyrant? 

I'm hoping for fifty chapters - Though not limiting myself to that - Of varying lengths. The first half of the story will be Ariston's service under Memnon of Rhodes - A man who he comes to love, as a brother and a leader. The second will take place in the aftermath of Issus, where Darius III is defeated. Many of the characters - Memnon of Rhodes, Alexander the Great, Darius, Pharnabazus III amongst them - Are historical. They will be explored, as accurately as possible, over the course of the story. Memnon, in particular, will get a lot of airtime; he's the man who nearly beat Alexander, but there's little about him. What kind of person was he? Ariston, and many others, certainly think that he was magnificent. I have yet to decide on whether this will be first or third person, so opinions on that would be great!_]

And here's my first story. 

Here's to hoping that this takes off! :victory:


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## Dave T Hobbit

Could be a useful resource. Stickied.


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## Ambush Beast

*Feed Back.*

I think a story such as this will require a long novel format so I glad that you are planning for such a large undertaking. The idea sounds great so I think, if well written it would be on my read list. The only way to really know if the work required (And it will be a whole lot of work) is worth it is if you love writing it and if you finish it. So, good luck.


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## Beaviz81

Be very careful in how to write this especially the rape-scenes. I would point to the Belisarius-books, but I sort of have an inkling you already have beaten me to the punch there. Myths about Heracles can help as well as in Ancient Greece women was fucked for producing offspring, men was screwed for fun (sorry for the crude language, but I guess Dave will edit it if I have gone too far). So you need to set yourself into that mind-set to do it well.

Can you give me the premise of when he does what or would that spoil too much? I mean his life-run.


Oh I forgot the typical good look with your story. And don't be afraid to ask, or even if I get too vicious tell me so in private.

As for getting Greek names I would suggest that you download Rome Total War, and go for the name-page. That way you easily can get names.


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## dark angel

Adrian said:


> I think a story such as this will require a long novel format so I glad that you are planning for such a large undertaking. The idea sounds great so I think, if well written it would be on my read list. The only way to really know if the work required (And it will be a whole lot of work) is worth it is if you love writing it and if you finish it. So, good luck.


Thank you for the kind words. It's going to take a lot of effort, admittedly - I'm currently spending my spare time reading, researching and falling in love with Ancient Greece. 



Beaviz81 said:


> Be very careful in how to write this especially the rape-scenes. I would point to the Belisarius-books, but I sort of have an inkling you already have beaten me to the punch there. Myths about Heracles can help as well as in Ancient Greece women was fucked for producing offspring, men was screwed for fun (sorry for the crude language, but I guess Dave will edit it if I have gone too far). So you need to set yourself into that mind-set to do it well.
> 
> Can you give me the premise of when he does what or would that spoil too much? I mean his life-run.


The rape scenes won't be _too _graphic. It's mostly something that I will skirt around, but it does, and will continue, to play an important part of *Misthophoros*. I don't want it to be off-putting for potential readers, but I don't want to omit it, either. 

I won't say too much, right now, because it's still in _very _early development. My current project, along with Unxpekted22, is a fiction called *The Rusting of Golan* - So, *Misthophoros *has been put on a back-burner for a while. I'm not quite sure when it will take off, I'm hoping for the third, or fourth, quarter of the year. I've got a bit of free time, right now, however - So I may write a stand-alone about one of the characters which feature in *Misthophoros*, Orestes the Smiling. 

Despite his epithet, he is _not _a nice man. Quite a barbarous bastard, actually!


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## Myen'Tal

So, I have an original work on the board called Numbered Days, which has driven me up a wall in days past. I continually hit an invisible wall when I am trying to piece together this story. I think it is because, that secretly within myself, I know it's going to have military action and I don't want to be the guy to misrepresent it. Plus, I think the forced prison-conscription thing maybe too cliche', I guess? 

Well, after quite a few months, I think I am going to rewrite the entire thing. I am going blast away the world that I have created for it and build a new one. Characters will probably transfer over and everything. 

I am thinking of doing this after I have finished my first actual book length original project, which is a fantasy book. That's on the backburner until I can afford an editor though(I've done just about all I can for it right now). 

So the general idea is going to mirror what has been seen in my H.O.E.S. June Entry, Alpha Wolves. A colony with a red star, one massive city, some advanced tech, divided districts, and some underground warfare going on. But that's all I've got at the moment. I'm currently mapping out the districts for the free city of Tess. Now just to figure out who rules each .

Here is the link to the revised chapter of Numbered Days :grin:.http://www.heresy-online.net/forums/showthread.php?t=151282


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## JonasGrant

*Heh, why not, been working on this one for a while, but I can't seem to get it right, let me know what you think.*

Summary: A test pilot from a lost human colony crosses paths with an escaped experimental spacecraft and its alien crew. After he helps them escape the Imperium, he is dragged into their cause and tries his best to comprehend the galaxy as their flight takes them through the strangest of places. 
Focus on:
-Imperial Ship’s crew, humanize their daily lives and characterise them almost as much as the protagonists. 
-The huge cultural, biological and physical differences between the alien species and even humans from different planets.
-Make readers fear the enemy, not hate them. Make them competent and reasonable. Never rely on them making mistakes and make every mistake that the protagonists make meaningful in some way.
-Kellan’s psychological struggle and his trust of someone everybody in the crew dislikes. 
-Have the “good guys” be willing to do things that will shock the protagonist and reader alike, hammering in the darkness of the world they live in in comparison to how he grew up.
-Pretend to hammer in a nihilistic world view, but inject more optimism as the crew’s situation improves, they gain allies and find closure for their past mistakes. The crew’s goals throughout the story could be summarized, in order, as “Survival”, “Revenge”, “Regret”, Loyalty” and “Idealism”.
-Eventually, the reasonable and competent foe should be replaced by the Death Watch commander; stereotypically psychotic, overconfident and unstable.

*Vessels: *
*X-1A8 “Xian”:* Research vessel experimenting with Tau and Eldar technology, fully automated, controlled by Eldar soul/AI meant to be dominated by Psyker. Eldar, Gretchin and Tau prisoners working on the ship killed the Psyker and freed Xian. It does not possess any weapons, but can launch and build drones according to the task at hand, be it combat, repairs, scouting or generating protective shields. It has access to enhanced Tachyon propulsion systems that let it “skid” the empty space between solar systems, provided it is out of the star’s gravity well.

*K-1A1 “Kellan”:* Prototype vessel built by Xian’s automated facilities as part of the project. Hybrid between synthetic Tyranid DNA and Necron alloy. Fully sentient, very intelligent yet aggressive and impulsive. Not yet completed in the first part of the story.
It carries no drones, as it, itself, is initially barely larger than a fighter, but it has access to a vast array of weapons and can regenerate nearly all damage within minutes, although it will take a very close call for that fact to be revealed. Kellan is able to instantly transport to any star system within its navigation database or straight to Xian, from any point in the galaxy.


*CV64 Mark III:* Prototype stealth fighter-bomber able to transition between space and atmosphere, built by an independent human colony that retained access to advanced technologies, but lacks the rare elements needed to build starships and advanced power plants. The CV64 is very lightly armoured (Built out of carbon fiber, ceramic and aliminum), but faster and stealthier than any comparable aircraft. Being VTOL capable and a hypersonic plane, it can act as a bomber, gunship, strike fighter and close air support craft if needed and cannot be locked by non-visual means, because of its non-existent sensor profile and small size. (Laser guided weapons, smart missiles and motion trackers all work)
Initially its weaponry and lack of acceleration nullifiers put it at a disadvantage in dogfights with starfighters, but it gets upgraded throughout the story.

_Armament: _
-2x LRHVMs Multi-Purpose Missiles. (1 rack, center mounted)
-8x SRHIMs Multi-Purpose Missiles (2 racks)
-1x PMP-18 Autocannon (500 rounds)
-80x Semi-Guided rockets. (2 pods)
_Crew_: 1 Pilot.

*Shield of Catchan Battlecruiser:* Dispatched by the Inquisition to recapture Xian and Kellan with as little damage as possible, the Shield is captained by Morath Storm, a former Catachan commando, who inherited the vessel’s commission after his mother’s death. It carries battleship-grade weapons but possesses the maneuverability and sensor profile of a cruiser, allowing it to pursue the X-1A8 and engage most threats, it’s elite crew and upgraded fighter-bombers wing giving it the edge in most skirmishes, although its supplies and most of its replacement crafts are carried by its much less impressive escort fleet.

Armament: 
-2x Nova cannons (On the front and rear, loader system must be altered to switch between one weapon or the other, which takes too long to be feasible in combat.)
-18x Multilas ball-turrets (On the back, two parallel rows of 9 with overlapping lines of fire. At the beginning of the story these are slower and more protected lascannon hardpoints, replaced later on to counter Xian’s drones.)
-6x Plasma broadsides.

Crew: 100 000.

Escort Fleet:
-1x Escort Carrier.
-6x Fast Skimmers.
-3x Freighters.

*Aegis:* An AdMech missile cruiser capable of leveling fortress worlds and decimating entire battlefleets on its own. It has been sent to investigate rumours of tech heresy. If they capture Xian or Kellan, access their database, it will prove that the Inquisition violated the Treaty of Mars and provide them with considerable leverage in future negotiation, perhaps even trigger a war. Until then they cannot attack the Shield directly, but will do their best to sabotage their efforts and reach the fugitives first.

Armament: 
A whole lot of very long ranged missiles.

*Individuals:*

*Hutam:* An Eldar with a rather nebulous past. Sometimes claims he was a Dark Eldar pirate, other times that he originates from a craftworld. Centuries of isolation, captivity and torture have brought him on the brink of insanity, but he remains a very capable healer, both of organic and synthetic life. A pathological liar and easily manipulated, Hutam is not malicious in his intents and will, when calm, act almost as a father figure, but when agitated he can be childish and cowardly and will often tell people what they want to hear rather than the truth.
-Doesn’t drink recaf. Shouldn’t drink recaf. Loves recaf.
-Has conversations with people who are not really there. Can get confusing as others around him can also interact with these apparitions. (Not ghosts, as the apparitions will sometimes be people who are still alive.)


*Delvin Miles:* Miles used to very much enjoy the power of life and death his role as pilot gave him, until the incident with his brother put a more human face on all the lives he’d taken. He is not a pacifist and his discomfort comes not from the killing itself, but from the pride and enjoyment he felt. He began training at fifteen, the military academy’s tuition fees paid by TSI (A perk from his father being an operator for them), and graduated at twenty-one. He completed the three years of his contract with the PMC then resigned to become a test pilot, though he remains on good terms with his former colleagues. Miles qualifies as an abhuman, as his people have been genetically enhancing themselves for generations. This mostly translates in him being in olympic physical shape despite his love for junk food and sweets.
-Has stopped smoking a year ago, when nervous or angry, he will still go for the Paranean Blues he used to keep in his breast pocket.
-Has a “killer’s soul”, making psykers and Eldars quite uneasy around him. (One of the few characters in the story explicitly stated to enjoy killing for its own sake.)
-His fighter is very maintenance intensive, after every sortie, he should spend hours visually inspecting sensitive parts before doing anything else. Will gradually trust Xian’s drones with routine maintenance.
Expressions: 
-”Balzak!” (Expletive)
-”Fekk.” (Less natural expletive, used in sentences and insults, “Get fekked!” “We’re fekked.”, literally means someone is shit or about to be shat out. Staekish sentences are more complex than gothic and there are no generalised insults, linguists like to say enemity in Skaetish is always custom tailored.)

*Fio’El Tan:* A Tau Earth Caste engineer fascinated with fighter crafts and once infatuated with an Air Caste pilot, she took his rejection hard and defected aboard a Rogue Trader ship where she was promised she could become an Interceptor pilot. The trader instead sold her to the Inquisition. She is the youngest and most impulsive of the crew, prone to running away or assaulting others without warning, but is a fast thinker and even faster learner.
-Uses the acid from low grade batteries as a spice.(A Tau thing) And actual spices like curry will make her extremely sick.
-Can and will code a full video game out of pure boredom.
-Treated like a teenager by most of the crew, but middle aged by Tau standards.
Expressions: 
-_Tau'cyr_, 6 Kai'rotaa, year, (297.74 Terran days.)	
-_Kai'rotaa_, 80 Rotaa, month	(50 Terran days.)
-_Rotaa_, 10 Decs, day, 15 Terran hours.)
-_Dec_, hour (1.5 Terran hours.)	
-_Rai'kor_, ten minutes. (fifteen terran minutes)
-_Rai'kan_, one minute
-_Dec’taa_, one second.




*Maugar:* A Gretchin claiming to be the democratically elected president of the Republic of Tsarsk, very well spoken and charismatic, Maugar also seems to have talents as a thief and an assassin. How he convinced the Inquisition to assign him to the X-1A8 is a mystery, but he is the one that freed the others and repeatedly assures them they will be safe on Tsarsk… If they can ever find their way there.
-Can and will eat anything, but never takes more than his share.
-Plays an instrument akin to an electric violin. All the time. Loudly.
(Add to events:
Maugar, being both fungal and animal, gets extremely sick after the crew uses an herbicide to rid the ship of an infection. He is paranoid and violent at first, but eventually sees reason and concludes the only way he can be healed is by Ork painboyz. Finding an Ork tribe is hard enough, convincing one of their healers to save a Gretchin’s life is downright impossible, but Hutham heads down onto the planet with Delvin and immediately begins acting and talking like an Ork, brutalising Maugar, ordering Miles around with short barks and doing the same with the local Orks. The three spend half a week amongst the tribe and Maugar gains a better understanding of Orks and the place violence occupies in their society. While he greatly prefers the restrained culture of his homeworld, he no longer views Orks as animals.)

*Satine: *The conceptor of Xian and Kellan, she has a dark history with the machine cult and it is often implied her augments were installed against her will. A lot of them have been heavily modified to be as discreet as possible and she sports self inflicted scars where she ripped out the most invasive implants. Despite this, she quite enjoys tinkering with new technology and makes use of her remaining implants without shame. Whatever happened in the past, she has come to terms with it. Her only concern now is the well-being of Xian and Kellan. 
-Often gambles. Never loses. 
-Will make toys out of scrap for children of undeveloped worlds the crew visits.
-Her “hairs” are in fact mecadentrites. 
Expressions: Makes use of standard AdMech vocabulary, but will gradually pick up on more straightforward technical terminology from Delvin and Tan.

*Morath Storm:* Once a commando, he inherited the title of captain after his mother’s death. This is his first assignment as a fleet commander, but he served five years under Admiral Ryas, who recommended him for either an Admiral commission or special duty assignments. Storm’s experience as a Jungle Fighter and years of private tutorship paid by his parents have made him an outstanding strategist, but he retains some traumas from his life as a grunt and will sometimes lose his cool. His crew is aware of his mood swings, but still trust and respect him. So long as he feels his men are doing their job to the best of their ability, he will take full responsibility for any failure they encounter. His civility does not extend to his enemies, however, against whom he will use every weapons and tricks he can, no matter how cruel or dishonorable these may seem. 
-Sends letter to his father every week.
-Carves and paints scale models of the various starships he has encountered. Has five in his office right now, is working on a Tau Manta right now.

(Add to events: 
Morath, following Liam’s execution, hears about the failed mutiny from the cleaning crew assigned to Jameson’s quarters, they also hand him Liam’s keychain, a box of cigarettes and a handful of drafts for a demotion request. Liam felt he did not perform well as a squadron leader and believed one of his wingmen would have been better suited. Not as good a pilot, but certainly more level-headed and headstrong enough to keep Liam’s quirks in check. Morath takes up smoking, keeps the keychain and has Jameson posthumously reinstated so his family will receive full benefits.)


*Liam Jameson:* One of Storm’s most trusted fighter pilots, Liam can be a bit of a hot-head, but considers himself a gentleman, refusing to shoot the the “harmless” CV64 when he had a chance. He feels Delvin’s sudden attack against his squadron, especially after they spared him, is a personal insult. When another pilot has a chance to take down the stealth craft, Liam orders them not to, as he feels the kill is his to make. This attitude angers Storm and causes frictions between the two. Jameson’s insubordinate attitude throughout the story serves to fuel a mutiny.-Flies with a teddy-bear keychain hung to his wrist, where he can always see it. Claims it saved his life more than once, as it will be attracted to hostile crafts’ gravitational pull and reveal them even when his instruments fail to. Probably all in his head.
-Has also tried to stop smoking recently, but resumed due to the stressful assignment.

(Add to event: 
1) Jameson and his wingmen, finding out about the mutiny, track down and assassinate the ring leaders. 
2)It is often made clear Liam is a vastly superior pilot in space, but the one time he is free to engage Delvin, they are both in a planet’s atmosphere, where Miles and his craft are right at home. The two run out of ammo, end up playing “chicken” and, when Liam wins, he considers Delvin’s offence forgiven and allows him to escape the planet’s gravity before ordering his wingmen to engage. This event, Delvin managing to escape again, further angers Storm who finally snaps and has Jameson executed.)


*Savana Lord:* Storm’s chief security officer. Her origins are unknown, but she requires a mask to breathe normally and goggles to see without her eyes watering up. She has spent her early career fighting in the Imperial Guard without the use of such apparatus, relying on cunnings and a self-taught dual wielding technique combining autopistol and laspistol. Now that she has the medical equipment to negate her condition, Lord is an even more impressive combattant. Often reluctant to ever leave the Shield, as its safety is her duty and she puts that above all concerns except for her captain’s direct orders.
-Has a daughter who suffered the same condition she does, but Storm paid for her to receive surgery early, before her lungs were fully formed, allowing the child to grow normally. Lord’s loyalties are thus evenly split between the captain and the Imperium.
-The names of all passengers that have been assassinated under Lord’s watch as security officer have been tattooed on her arms. The names of all murderers she executed are carved on the wall facing her desk. 
(Add to events: 
-Unaware of the other’s identity, Miles and Lord have met and been romantically involved on a few inhabited planets where Xian has hidden and the crew of the Shield has been granted shore leave. They share multiple traits and opinions, especially on casual killing, and will spend a lot of time discussing the morbid cynicism that the Imperium displays. Even when the two have pieced together the other’s identity, they avoid the matter entirely. When Miles attempts to bring it up, Lord becomes uncharacteristically emotional and lashes out.) 

*Silvio Tommen:* Major, leader of the storm troopers assigned to the Shield, repeatedly wipes the floor with Xian’s “Badass of the week”, no mercenary or convict the crew picks up ever compares to him. Miles tries to take him on in close combat and firefights and invariably gets humiliated, but earns Silvio’s respect for never making the same mistake twice. Tommen is as skilled at his job as anyone else on the expedition, making him one of the deadliest warrior in the galaxy. He was trained for boarding operations and urban warfare, but has fought in deserts, tundras and jungles on some occasions. 
-Infatuated with Jameson, but careful not to let it show until the assignment is over. Whether Liam shares his feelings or not, Silvio knows this could end up being detrimental to the mission
-Originally studied to be a clockmaker, he still uses his skills as a hobby.
(Add to events:
Tommen and Storm are shot down above a tropical planet occupied by Tau sympathisers. They fight a lot, Liam’s death still a source of friction between them and Tommen’s limited experience with jungle warfare causing him to make mistakes and almost get both of them killed. Tommen ends up sick, injured and poisoned, forcing Storm to heal him as best he can, hide him from enemy patrols and hunt for food. Once Silvio is in better condition, he silently decides not to let his anger get in the way of his job anymore and the two of them together manage to route the enemy camp and steal their shuttle.)

*Captain “Boss”:* A sarcastic and playful operator with access to extremely rare hardware and sufficient authority to order a space marine sergeant to stand down. Claims to be the sane man sent in to clean up when an inquisitor inquires something he shouldn’t have or leaves any kind of mess, or when someone who cannot be removed from power has to be removed. Some of his remarks indicated he is not a member of any imperial institution, but rather a freelancer, so good at his job that nobody knows for sure what his job is. Got his nickname from the following exchange: “And you are?
-You can call me Boss.
-I don’t think boss is the word on a spaceship.
-Then call me Captain Boss. Actually, don’t call me, I’ll contact you if I need anything.”
(Add to events:
Built up to be a formidable foe and Aegis’ replacement, he fights the crews of both ships, defeating everyone but killing only the Inquisitor in the end, as this is all he was paid to. This allows the Imperium to declare Xian and Kellan the results of a rogue Inquisitor’s madness and, with the man responsible now dead, they close the case.)
*Events:*

Part 1:
Delvin Miles, twenty-six (Thinks of himself as thirty-two due to the shorter solar cycles on his planet) used to be a mercenary ace pilot for a powerful yet laid back PMC called Tactical Solution Inc., but his brother failed TSI piloting tests and became infantry for their father’s company, soon running Black Operations for a better paying company. The two kept in touch and were on friendly terms until Delvin bombed a militia training camp, finding out later that the camp’s instructor was a private contractor, his brother. A few months later, Miles, having resigned his job at TSI, is now a test pilot for an aeronautical engineering firm and studies to obtain a degree of his own. He is testing the Mark III upgrade of his old fighter, the CV64, when he spots a massive vessel keeping a stationary orbit over the planet’s south pole. He attempts to contact it with radio signals, unsuccessfully, then with a pocket flashlight shone through his canopy. The vessel responds by flickering the lights in one of its hangars.

Out of comms range and excited to have made contact with an alien species, Miles decides to take the “invitation” and boards the ship. As a test pilot, he does not carry any weapons, but explores the ship further nonetheless, rationalising that if it meant him harm, it could easily have shot him out of the sky in the first place.

The crew is surprised to meet him and, since they cannot communicate, a fight ensues. Delvin eventually overpowers the Gretchin, Human and Tau, but the combat techniques he uses were taught to him by his brother and that realisation distracts him long enough for the Eldar scientist to find his way in Miles’ mind and incapacitate him. 

Miles comes back to his senses chained on a toilet with the human Tech-priest going through his possessions. The priest quickly learns Delvin’s language by listening in on broadcasts from the planet, allowing the two to communicate. She explains the ship and crew’s origins and that they are all as scared of him as he is of them. The two discuss the situation, why they cannot release him and why they would rather ask for his assistance rather than kill him. 

They are still arguing when a new ship, the Shield, arrives. The crew cuts Delvin free and he returns to his aircraft, intent on running away as fast as possible. He is about to re-enter atmosphere when Xian flashes her external lights in the same pattern as he did with the flashlight before. 

A single boarding ship with two escort fighters are sent to retake Xian, but the CV64 intervenes before they can get close. Its weapons are ineffective, but the stealth craft’s speed and agility fool the Shield into believing there are many more of these undetectable crafts. Unwilling to risk the lives of his men in such an uncertain fight, captain Storm calls off the attack on Xian and sends all available fighters to find and destroy the strange new aircrafts.

Unable to damage his foes, Miles evades and outmaneuvers them long enough to reach Xian’s hangar, as heat from atmospheric entry would light him up on every ship’s targeting systems instantly. Next time he looks out the window, it is to find a blue sun and only three orbiting planets.

Part ?: Low gothic and Staekish, Miles’ language, appear to have much in common (Somewhat like spanish and portuguese), allowing him to somewhat comprehend and communicate with the crew, to an extent. They are surprised by the way he takes it all in stride and he explains that his people know about the imperium and actually fought the emperor, since they had more advanced tech and a fairly reasonable set of governments, a peace treaty was brokered. They know there are alien races, or at least suspect, as the ten-thousand years old story is now regarded as little more than myth, yet one with substantial evidence to back it up. It’s only when he jokes that he left the bathroom light on that Miles begin to freak out over the possibility of never going back home. He spends the next act puking and going through a rather fascinating spectrum of madness. Meanwhile, the others discuss their next move, giving away some back story and character traits, but still showing reserve, as they hardly know one another. Tan is cynical and tries to be funny, Satine pretends she’s the voice of reason, Maugar acts as though he’s giving an election speech and Hutham’s madness doesn’t yet show, but some of his sentences are oddly structured and he keeps standing up for no apparent reason, as if startled by something, before sitting down again.

Part ?: Storm is able to individually contact each member of Xian’s crew through embarked Vox casters in their quarters and offers each of them amnesty and safe passage back to their homes if, when given the chance, they turn on the others. That moment comes as the crew is trading for food on a feral world, but the natives, hoping to get an edge in trade, have released an euphoria-inducing mist in the longhouse. Tommen’s team, Hutham, Tan and Satine all become very relaxed and passive, but Delvin and Maugar are used to narcotics stronger than that and therefore feel feverish and slightly drunk, but perfectly lucid. They disarm the commandos, (by asking nicely) and drag their crewmates out. As they do, their intoxicated comrades let slip that they have been contacted by Storm as well. The two decide not to tell the others when they regain some lucidity, as it would shatter what little unity they have achieved. Tommen, hungover and is next seen asking Lord for a spare mask to use in battle, hinting both at the close relationship between the two and the Shield’s limited ressources.

Part ?: The crew stops at a space station, low on food and fuel. As they have nothing to trade, they each begin to conspire against one another;
Tan wants to sell Maugam into slavery, Maugar wants to let a dark eldar “rent” Tan for a night, Hutam wants to sell Miles’ plane and Satine wants to gamble in Kroot gladiator fights.
Miles is incoherent for most of these events, dialogues hinting that he has been drinking more than usual since the incident in the long-house. Halfway through, Xian helps him out of it and gives him full access to the station’s systems. He is thus able to piece the situation together and formulates a plan that inadvertently causes the gladiators to revolt. The others are caught on different sides of the fight and struggle to evacuate the station. When they finally make it to Xian, Satine is accompanied by human mercenaries, Maugam by Kroot gladiators and both group were promised a ride off the station. Before the situation escalates, however, the Shield arrives in system and immediately launches boarding parties at both Xian and the station. The ship begins its escape, but the crew must fight off multiple intruders. Once Xian is almost ready to jump away and Storm finds out about the mercenaries and gladiators on board, he quickly calls back his troops. 
-One Kroot was built up as an unstoppable monster, a born killer and the undisputed grand champion of the arena. He does not last more than five seconds against Tommen in close combat.

Part ?: Unable to escape the Shield when Storm guesses their next destination, Xian decides to retreat to an earth-like planet and dives under the sea where she quickly finds what appears to be an underwater base. The crew decides to hole up there and wait for an opportunity to escape the Shield, perhaps use the base to defend themselves, even. They discover the base was the last refuge of an alien race that has now gone extinct, although the inhabitants are long dead, it seems someone or something has been running maintenance still.

Part ?: Storm has won, tricked Xian’s crew and stolen Kellan, but before he can return to the Shield, Aegis appears in system and in spite of the Captain’s attempts at talking them into standing down, it opens fire. The Shield also refuses all comms, but, to Storm’s surprise, Kellan’s hull withstands the missile strike. Through sonic vibrations and pheromones, the bio-mechanical frigate keeps Storm up to speed on the tactical situation and he realises it is picking up on his brain waves, meaning it is able to read and interpret his thoughts instantly. Storm convinces Kellan to trust him and has it dive towards a nearby gas giant, Aegis firing another salvo. Storm has Kellan act like it will use the gravity to accelerate itself out of the system, but as soon as they are hidden in the shadow of the planet, they turn 180 degrees and open fire with their LAMS on the incoming missile while flying through the trail of detonations, the fire and debris from the projectiles hiding them from sensors as they quickly close within weapons range of Aegis. They emerge from the fireball with all of Kellan’s guns fully charged and pre-locked onto key locations of the AdMech ship. In a single salvo, Kellan cripples the vessel, then rams its bridge, emerging in the now destroyed engines. The Inquisitor, aboard the Shield, orders Storm to destroy Kellan, but he refuses, partly because he feels it would be a terrible waste and partly because he has no idea how he would go about doing that from the inside anyway.



Part?: Miles and the inquisitor are taken prisoners by a mercenary group they had both been looking to hire. While in their cells, the two gradually begin to exchange perspectives on previous run-ins they have had and attempt to explain their motivations. Miles learns Satine had always intended to spark a war between the inquisition and AdMechs, meaning for ships like Kellan to be mace produced by the Imperium so they could easily triumph over Mars. The Inquisitor was not fooled, however, and as soon as he had the schematics and prototypes, he arranged for Satine to be duly rewarded for her work and removed from the project. He had no intention of having her executed, as it is much easier to maintain secrecy than it is to fix a malfunctioning prototype without its conceptor. 

Part ?: With the Death Watch breathing down their neck, Tsarsk refusing to grant them asylum and Xian heavily damaged, the crew decides to take Kellan back to Delvin’s homeworld. His fears are, in order, that the crew will be dissected and studied, that the socialist nations will have won the war, that his employers resent the loss of their high-tech stealth plane prototype and, more importantly, he is reluctant to face his father, as the two never spoke after the day Miles dropped that bomb and killed his own brother.
In orbit, Miles calls his parent’s house directly and is answered by his dad’s assistant, finding he is no longer fluent in Skaetish, he struggles to make himself understood at first and finally decides to leave his name and a message. Benjamin Miles, hearing his son’s name, immediately picks up the phone, overjoyed at Delvin’s return. In the three years that Delvin has been gone, his father’s company absorbed TSI and FaraTech, meaning he now owns the largest private army in history and if someone’s giving Miles trouble, then these troops are all his. Kellan and the crew land and begin to share technology and new materials with the planet’s corporation, phasing back and forth between it and the mineral-rich moons. Already technologically advanced and very industrialised, Miles’ homeworld quickly integrates Tau and Eldar technology into its designs.

*Cliffhanger:* Kellan transports an expeditionary force to Xian’s location; a barren world where an imperial guard regiment is already deploying. Back on the homeworld, the socialist government has struck a deal with the Tau Empire. Next novel will be about that war.


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## Brother Emund

Beaviz81 said:


> As for getting Greek names I would suggest that you download Rome Total War, and go for the name-page. That way you easily can get names.


Try this site:

http://fantasynamegenerators.com/planet_names.php#.Vq7ujPmLTIV

I use it all the time.


.


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## Treesnifer

*A Skaven from the East*

This started as a HOES story for celebration. Lord Stranford, of HOES "Patience" competition from the last summer, was stuck in a sword fight. It was just prep for a HOES theme, before "Celebration" was stated and a roadblock pushed the Dwarves up.

This ended up being an evolution. It started as fleshing out my Grail Knight, a story of his youth. Then it morphed into a AoS story, I had made it through the AoS fluff that had been posted for those of us who were still wondering what it was, and I came away with something like small pocket dimensions held together by mystical gates. Perfect for the 'flatlanders' out there, as each world has definitive edges and the only way to another world was through a gate. Then each world seems to be a conglomeration of "The World Destroyed" civilizations getting thrown together, and you have pockets of civilizations intermixed with others....then each ruled by one of the gods of Sigmar's alliance.

Plucky and a neat read, don't know how accurate, I'll go buy the book so I have a fluff reference. I'm old, so a physical book is preferable to electric media. A book doesn't change when the power goes out. :wink:

So Stranford's shadowy opponent began to take shape;



> The glaive this skaven wields is not rusty, chipped, or soiled with the blood of the fallen. His armor is a style unfamiliar to you, seemingly built of some lacquered wood, leather, and more traditional metal plates, looks as if it is new. Its buckles catching the sun and glittering in the light. His shield, now rent, lays discarded a short distance away, but it was only by virtue of a lucky blow you were able to force this rat to abandon it. Arrogance on your part allowed your opponent to quickly retreat to his mount to retrieve the odd glaive he now wields, and though your skill with a blade was greater than his, the polearm rests easier in his hands than the blade he first branded.
> 
> Arrogance indeed. You gave pause to let the rat slink away, not retrieve another weapon, though honor did dictate that as well. You simply did not expect the encounter to continue. A single skaven was not a threat to the average peasant, let alone a knight of your stature. This specimen, however, you would not categorize in such a fashion. Especially now. The glaive darts in and out like a hummingbird, uncommonly fast for such a weapon. When the skaven first branded the polearm, it was a struggle not to laugh, as you know polearms are only effective en masse as when wielded by the peasant levies. Not by a single warrior in a duel. Except here you stand, ensconced behind your heater shield, the earlier success you had facing sword and shield has faded with arrival of this odd glaive.


The piece opens with Stranford's view and opinion of Skaven, and they continue to spar, until Stranford gains a bit of respect for this stranger;



> As you face off, circling each other, the skaven speaks first. You are surprised at the cultured tone, even though his accent marks him from further than even you have traveled. His question breaks the stalemate that has developed between you.
> 
> “Is it your intention for us to expire from exhaustion rather than our blades? Or am I expected to fall after getting dizzy from watching you try and get behind me?”
> 
> “You are far more skilled than any Skaven I have faced before.”
> 
> Your opponent tilts his head inquisitively as he contemplates his answer. “How odd, as I am no Skaven. I am Wu Xia.”
> 
> “Oo-zee-ah?” You attempt to pronounce the foreign word.


The Wu Xia is a troop type pulled from the fan written Warhammer:Cathay army book by Mathias Eliasson (sounds like a good Norwegian boy). The circling is a comment on the sword and shield fighting that I play (and more often watch) in the Heavy Fighter practices at our local Society of Creative Anachronism (SCA) fighter practice. My original intent was, as I do not speak any form of Chinese, to have the Skaven consider himself as his troop type, and accept 'Skaven' as his described race since he decides that 'Rat-Man' or Shu Ren, a horrid oversimplification on my part (and just one set of translations), isn't appropriate. His character trait was to simply categorize anyone from outside Cathay to be simple barbarians incapable of speaking a proper language.

The easy way out. Thus he accepts being called a Skaven, even if he isn't one. By the time of his encounter with Stranford, he has faced several of the Old World black rats and knows what they are. To their dismay.

Storywise, he was out questing - it's what Wu Xia do, and of course, as fate would have it, stumbles across a Questing Knight. How...apropos. 

This has now expanded to adding a bit more background to the Brown Rats of Cathay - which in real world terms are the bubonic plague rats of the Dark Ages, that came across the Silk Road. Now my wife has a Skaven army, and though she'd like them to be a bit brighter, she does enjoy her Skaven/Undead army with her Corpse Carts labed "The Chuck Wagon". She picked the army when Isle of Blood was purchased for the kids. They ignored the Skaven, and we kept a rat colony at the time. Voila! Wife takes the Skaven. So we enjoy the difference between the small black European rats that were overrun by the larger, stronger, brown Asian rats once they were introduced to the West. 

A fun fact for you - male rats rarely leave the nest. They prefer to sit around and wait for a female who sits still long enough to do "The Deed". The females are the rats you usually see out and about foraging. If you want a pet rat to cuddle with, get a male. The females will want to explore and it takes about 20 minuets for them to tire out long enough to want to snuggle for a bit; we've always kept female colonies.

So for the story, our Wu Xia isn't alone. He has his females with him, and what may be a stretch, they sort of fall into a lion pride mentality - females gather, the male protects. The four eastern Skaven and their foundling Questing Knight. But I can't see the family of four, and their magic riding war-toad, not wanting to differentiate themselves from the common Skaven...but I can't find a single DANG RAT STORY OTHER THAN THE FRIGGIN' ZODIAC ORDER STORY or the sneaky rat beating the ox after getting carried all the way. Where are the were-rats of Chinese mythos?

Ok. No anthropomorphic rats in China, huh? What about Japan? EVERYTHING has a magic spirit in Shintoism, everything can be a demon of some type. Demons are anything supernatural, not necessarily demonic in a western sense. But again, I can't find any stories beyond a few creation myths and like my Shu Ren, I don't like calling these four Rat Kami (rat spirit).


Help!


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## Brother Emund

Treesnifer does like his dwarves! :laugh:

.


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## Treesnifer

Aww shucks. Knew I forgot a detail - Stranford is a Bretonian knight. I decided to leave the dwarves at home and give them a rest! :grin:


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## Beaviz81

Brother Emund said:


> Try this site:
> 
> http://fantasynamegenerators.com/planet_names.php#.Vq7ujPmLTIV
> 
> I use it all the time.
> 
> 
> .


Any reason for you to poffer advice for me? I mean I gave advice, I didn't indicate I neeeded.


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## Brother Emund

Wow, sorry mate.... it might have been a mistake? Rest assured, I will never offer YOU any advice again...


.


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## WTAnderton

Hey everyone! I'm new here, but have been a fan of Warhammer Fantasy and Warhammer 40k for years and have always wanted to write a short story or novel in those settings. Long story short, here I am, presenting my short story idea for any constructive criticism.

*Sephana's Fall*
(Working Title)

The story focuses on a fairly normal human named Faris, the setting a peaceful agri-world of rolling wheat and gentle livestock called Sephana's Fall. Faris is a farmer with a wife and newborn child, living as normal a life as could probably exist in the grim-dark future. Then the Inquisition shows up with reports of daemon worshipping being conducted somewhere on the planet. Anyways, the efforts to stop Chaos from taking root fail and so actual military action must be taken. Battle-capable adults are drafted immediately into the Imperial Guard, including Faris, and he finds himself drawn into a war.

Something I'm wanting to do with this short story is show a lot of character development in Faris. Starting out he is obviously a believer in the God-Emperor and the Imperium in general, but he does not feel like he owes his very life and finds it extremely unfair when he is drafted and separated from his family. 

Some examples I've already come up with include him fearing his first time going into battle, but being inspired when he meets a member of the Deathwatch. On the field of battle he witnesses horrors and heroics alike. He has a conversation with a Space Marine about family, love, and duty. At the end he is in a hopeless situation but has accepted that he is now a soldier, willing to risk his life for the Imperium like any good Guardsmen should be. 

It's a little difficult to go into more detail about his development without giving actual spoilers, but there's the general idea I'm going for. What do you guys think?


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## darkreever

Brother Emund said:


> Wow, sorry mate.... it might have been a mistake? Rest assured, I will never offer YOU any advice again...


:laugh:

I'm sure your post will either be ignored or blown out of proportion somehow.



WTAnderton said:


> Then the Inquisition shows up with reports of daemon worshipping being conducted somewhere on the planet. Anyways, the efforts to stop Chaos from taking root fail and so actual military action must be taken.


Daemon worshipping implies a cult, for which an inquisitor would have his/her retinue, any inquisitorial forces brought, local authorities, and the planets PDF. If all of this fails then that likely means the cult has received aid from their patron(s) and either specialists are needed (aka the Grey Knights) or the world is doomed.

The Imperium at large suppresses knowledge of daemons and chaos.



WTAnderton said:


> Battle-capable adults are drafted immediately into the Imperial Guard, including Faris, and he finds himself drawn into a war.


At best Faris and the other capable adults would be drafted into the planets planetary defense force, not the Imperial Guard.



WTAnderton said:


> Something I'm wanting to do with this short story is show a lot of character development in Faris. Starting out he is obviously a believer in the God-Emperor and the Imperium in general, but he does not feel like he owes his very life and finds it extremely unfair when he is drafted and separated from his family.


If Faris is someone who was taught to believe in the God-Emperor than he would be more than willing to put his life on the line if it meant protecting his family, likely hoping that the Emperor would protect him so that he could see and be with them again.

Most people view being drafted to fight in one of the Emperor's armies as an honour, yet another way to show his service.



WTAnderton said:


> Some examples I've already come up with include him fearing his first time going into battle, but being inspired when he meets a member of the Deathwatch.


If his world is struggling against the grip of a chaos cult intent on worshipping daemons then why would a marine of the ordo xenos be present? Deathwatch are alien hunters, not daemon hunters. Theres a chance a company or strike force of space marines would answer a call of aid from the inquisitor since he and the forces he initially had access to were not enough. With what your doing, the deathwatch have no business on the planet.



WTAnderton said:


> On the field of battle he witnesses horrors and heroics alike. He has a conversation with a Space Marine about family, love, and duty. At the end he is in a hopeless situation but has accepted that he is now a soldier, willing to risk his life for the Imperium like any good Guardsmen should be.


Most citizens of the Imperium are likely told that service to the God-Emperor and the possibility of sacrificing your life is the greatest show of faith. Faris would/should know this going in, and at the point your leading to come to understand and fully believe in it.



WTAnderton said:


> What do you guys think?


Short story or not, I think your trying to cram a few to many things in for the sake of having them.

One of the biggest issues I see is why an inquisitor would allow locals to fight against a cult now rooted in their own planet. Whats to stop some of the draftees from being cult members and sabatoging Imperial forces that they now have access to?

If it was a xenos cult, like genestealer, then draftees could be screened. That would also mean you could include a Deathwatch team.


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## WTAnderton

Thanks for the pointers, it's why I came here. I would like to ask a few questions then and explain my view on some points and would love more feedback since you sound pretty knowledgeable.

First off, would the story work better maybe as a two-part or even trilogy of shorts, that way I can plot out the pacing a bit better? 

Instead of the Inquisition, maybe Faris could be drafted into the PDF by the plantery governor? Does the planetary governor actually have that much power? If so, then perhaps he could also have just requested aid from a nearby Space Marine chapter and I won't have to get into the Inquisition or Deathwatch too much if at all.

I do like doing xenos rather than daemons or general Chaos, though with the overarching plot I had in mind beyond Faris' story, the xenos that would make the most sense would be eldar or necrons. On the surface is there really any problem using those? Like if the planet was a necron tomb-world, would it be impossible to be an agri-world?

As for Faris' tone and mood on being drafted, it was my understanding from the research I've done that the majority of the Imperium population isn't entirely brainwashed or indoctrinated to believe dying for the Emperor is the greatest glory to be had. Faris is happy to farm and help fulfill the Imperial tithe, but believes he should have been evacuated with his family rather than pressed into military service. Yes, he has to _say_ he will die for the Emperor, if he doesn't want the Inquisition kicking down his door. But from my understanding he is still free to think what he wants, unless Imperial citizens are brainwashed while in school or something.

As for the Space Marine chat, any problem with that?

Again, thanks for the feedback!


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## Myen'Tal

Thanks for the pointers, it's why I came here. I would like to ask a few questions then and explain my view on some points and would love more feedback since you sound pretty knowledgeable.



> First off, would the story work better maybe as a two-part or even trilogy of shorts, that way I can plot out the pacing a bit better?


Hello, WTAnderton, welcome to the forums! I was hesitant to add to this discussion before, because my grasp on 40k lore has slowly been decaying over the years lol. Darkreever's lore is probably more sound than mine, but I'll try to help in any way that I cank:. 

As for splitting your story into a number shorts, it really comes down to whatever you feel best allows you to tell the story. If making your short story into a trilogy will better enable you to progress character development and plot, then go for it:so_happy:.



> Instead of the Inquisition, maybe Faris could be drafted into the PDF by the plantery governor? Does the planetary governor actually have that much power? If so, then perhaps he could also have just requested aid from a nearby Space Marine chapter and I won't have to get into the Inquisition or Deathwatch too much if at all.


The Planetary Governor, I would imagine, has ruling authority over all Planetary Defense Forces unless a higher authority (such as an Inquisitor) steps in and takes over for him. So I think that plan could work, also I believe he would have the authority to send a distress signal to any nearby space marine allies as well. I don't know who else would have that authority, plus it allows you to sidestep the whole Inquisition/Deathwatch problem. 



> I do like doing xenos rather than daemons or general Chaos, though with the overarching plot I had in mind beyond Faris' story, the xenos that would make the most sense would be eldar or necrons. On the surface is there really any problem using those? Like if the planet was a necron tomb-world, would it be impossible to be an agri-world?


Actually, I'm not sure, I would imagine a tomb world would have once been a barren world. But being dormant for ten thousand years, I suppose life could be brought back to them. Perhaps your agri-world was a planet extensively terraformed by the eldar after the War In Heaven, before it was conquered by the Imperium?




> As for the Space Marine chat, any problem with that?


I don't think this is a problem, depending on the Space Marine's personality and circumstances of their meeting.


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## WTAnderton

Hey, Myen'Tal. Good to hear from you.

I think I will split Faris' story into multiple parts, just so I can spend the amount of time I want on certain scenes without rushing the pacing and making his development feel unrealistic.

The system that the agri-world is in has known peace for at least a couple centuries, so I wasn't thinking an Inquisitor would be "in the area" until the beginning of the story, but I guess that instead means the planetary governor is free to do the conscripting.

Doing some research, it looks like tomb-worlds are commonly just barren or desert worlds, but you are probably right in that so much time has passed that the eldar might have been able to terraform it, at least before the Fall. Still not sure which of the two I would go with. Even if the necron tomb-world doesn't work, I still have the eldar I can turn to.

As for the Space Marine chat, really the only part I think won't work is Faris asks him if he is afraid to die, and the Space Marine explains he is, but not the same say normal humans are. That instead he fears that, through death, he would fail his Emperor.

Again, thanks for your feedback. Any bit helps. ^^


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## dsol

Dark angel, did you ever get around to writing that?? I know I am a few years late but after reading the little bit you gave on it I am ready to dive in. I think its a great idea to show the transformation in the reverse of how you usually see it (criminal turned honorable).


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## Trump

A lost space marine terminator brother Equinus discovers chaos oscillating spheres that can stop and reverse time and he uses it in battle?:shok:


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## Trump

why am I the last post on this thread? the emperors finest space marines battle earth's army today to conquer her for the imperium of man?>


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