# Funny 'In Character' Quotes



## Druchii in Space (Apr 7, 2008)

We've all had them, moments in games where something is said in jest. Sometimes it was on purpose, other times it isn't, both can be really funny if not done too often, yet the latter can really be funny. 

If you want to share yours or those you've gamed with this is the place, I'd like to see what classic funny moments have come up in folks games.


As to my own, well as mostly a DM/StT I've had a few but some of my players have come up with the best.


One in particular I remember was a Fantasy game, four players, captured and thrown into a Gladiator arena. They where all doing well they'd beaten a few minor foes, when suddenly the gate opened. A giant 12' creature with four arms and spider like features stomps in, they are all standing there and the Mage is at the back out of mana from the earlier rounds.

Out of nowhere he declares 'Hold it off a moment, I'm meditating' and literally starts to meditate to get back his Mana. 

We all just cracked up, and still remmeber that moment years later. 


So does anyone else have any they'd like to share?


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## Iconian (Dec 17, 2008)

Well, one time in a fantasy game, we were talking to this priest who suddenly died in front of us. As he was falling our thief looted the body before he hit the ground. I told him, "come on, he's not even cold yet."

His response, "Of course he's not cold yet, who would want cold loot. Do you want cold loot? I certainly don't." 

Later on in the campaign, anytime we came across loot not from a freshly killed opponent he would make the rest of us cradle it to our bodies to warm it up so that he would have warm loot.


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## Initiate (Mar 25, 2007)

I have quite a few, most of which I cannot remember. All of them happened because I was playing DnD in the Forgotten Realms system, with an overly-nervous dwarf cleric who was cursed as a boy by an evil wizard's apprentice. The apprentice, being quite weak, just managed to make the dwarf speak only in song. So I would come up with lyrics on the spot for the worshiper of Ioun. It turned out some pretty hilarious things, but I can only remember one or two. 

In this one, I passed a diplomacy check to convince a troll to let us cross a bridge for some gold: 

By Ioun's right arm,
We mean you no harm!
For a large sum of gold,
Would you please let us behold
The wonders across the bridge you protect,
As one would, with your great intellect!

Of course, as we were passing, the troll's friends on the other side of the bridge noticed us, and I had to pass another check. Naturally, I didn't pass and the trolls bitch-slapped us off the bridge


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## Druchii in Space (Apr 7, 2008)

Hehe, I like both of those, going have to sit down and see if I can remember any more good ones myself.


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## ACoz (Oct 23, 2007)

About a decade ago, I was actually playing in a game for once instead of running it, and I was playing the group's thief. The background of the group (big one, too: 8 players) was my character and one of my buddies were playing elfs, so... we were brothers. the group's half-elf was our cousin. Me and my brother knew the rest of the group only vaguely through our cousin, so I had no real attachment to them per se.

So, We're doing some mission/quest/what-have-you for some lord muckety-muck merchant, escorting a caravan from Point A to Point B. Whackiness ensues and the thing gets hijacked and we have to go rescue it all, which we manage to do, and score more goodies in the process.

We get into town, and get our reward and whatnot, and there's loads of loot to be turned into the local currency or something similar... and since half the group has stuff to do, me, my brother, my cousin and the biggest scariest fighter in the group are given the task to go change everything over and come back to the inn we're staying at later and divide up our loot.

So, on the way to the 'bank' I guess you could call it, I spot a bar and pull everyone inside with the promise of buying them a round, because "I have a proposition for you guys."

Said proposition was this: " Here's what I'm thinking, guys. We could take the money we're getting, and divide it up evenly by eight and give everyone their share, or... we do things a better way. I'm proposing we divide it up by twelve, and everyone gets one share, but the four of us, because we're the ones putting our safety at risk here, carrying all this loot around, get a second share. It's only fair, I think. Plus, I mean, they aren't here. If they really cared about just how much we have, they'd be here with us. Again, this is entirely in the interest of fairness, after all."

As I say this, the rest of the guys around the table look at me, mouths agape, shocked that I could say such a thing.

Jaws really hit the floor when my three companions all thought it over for a bit and... completely agreed with me.

So, for the rest of the campaign, whenever I'd say "I've got a proposition for everyone..." everyone'd groan or just outright refuse to listen to me.

When playing the thief in a group, I always do fun things like have the GM write down on a note what's in a chest or locker or something I've broken into, so I get to see it before anyone else. I wouldn't always tell everyone everything, either.

One fun time, I popped open a locked strongbox and peeked inside, to reveal it had a dozen gemstones inside. When everyone asked me what I saw, I responded: "Looks like eight or so gems! One for each of us! Awesome!"

Again, as time progressed, and I'd unlock something and they'd ask what I found and I'd tell them, the usual response was: "In our math, or yours?"

I always took playing a thief or a rogue type very seriously, in case you couldn't tell.

Years afterward, we were all reunited for the wedding of one of the guys, reminiscing and joking and reliving old times, and the stories of my elven thief came up, and one of my friends' other guests who wasn't in on that campaign asked me why I did that sort of thing, and I told him:

"If you're playing the group's thief, and you either don't have more experience coming in from thievery, or more money than most of the guys in the group, you're not really playing a thief correctly, in my mind."


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## Blind Cougar (Jan 30, 2009)

Think the best in my group comes from when a friend's mom was making a college going away cake for our Half-Orc Barbarian player. 

Mom: What name should I put on the cake?
Us: GORK! (the half-orc's name, appropriately enough)
Mom:...but you're not Gork...
Gork player: Gork not Gork? Gork not not Gork, Gork Gork!...Gork confused...

That and (spoken as if suddenly enlightened), "...fucking ninja!"


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## NsaneDragn (Jan 27, 2009)

This one is a bit more out of context but was funny none the less. I am currently playing a campaign of Dark Heresy with a few friends. At the time I was this combat beast guardsman. I soaked 9 damage, had a better BS than our assassin with a 58, WS 40, Str 51, Toughness 53 and 19 wounds. You get the picture. The problem is, I did NOT do well with anything else. I couldn't speak to others in more than a few grunts. Well, we were tracking down these "men who were stealing dead bodies". It lead us to this old abandoned Warehouse. Inside we found bags of dead bodies, mountains of them. And then an office upstairs similar to an over-looking office of someone watching the workers. We go up the stairs, knowing someone is inside. The "door" is a piece of cardboard. I am at the top of the stairs and in all my brilliance I shout that we are coming in and to put their hands in the air. As soon as I speak, I am shot dead in the chest with a hand cannon, knocking me on my ass. Well, in true form, my companions know I can soak damage more than everyone else, and they pick me up and charge in using me as a human shield. The men inside are in such shock that they don't react and are quickly.... dealt with.

To get even better, shortly afterwards we head towards the place the bodies are being taken to. We sit outside to lay an ambush for the enemy. Our Arbitor goes inside to "lure the enemy out", but ends up caught in a fight. I charge inside to come help, hearing the shots, and run through the doors to see a sea of blood and body parts. The floor is 3+feet deep of mutilated body parts, partially chewed, blood everywhere. Of course I have to take a fear check. Well, I fail, with a 98. The last of us inside, who is jaded and is fine by the gore, looks at me and says, "Holy Emperor, he is vomiting out of his penis!!!!".uke: After finally shaking it, I attempt to run up narrow, blood covered stairs, three flights up, only to slip and fall off, 3 floors down.... INTO the bodies. While I do soak the damage, I fail my next fear check with a 99. This is all in the course of 3 rounds, and by the time I am back upstairs, the ongoing joke is that whenever I fail a fear check, I end up vomiting out my penis, unable to control my body. Since then, that character died being a hero and saving everyone else, but the penis vomiting will never be forgotten.


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## Whizzwang (Dec 31, 2008)

LARP event several years ago.

Player goes running past a pair of cat beastkin sitting on a wall

Monster crew of gribblies comes racing after him

Player: Help... HELLLLPPPPP!!!
Catkin (raising 4-fingered paw): Love to mate, but no opposable thumbs.


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## Tigirus (Apr 13, 2008)

my campaigns had some colossally stupid people in them, at one point my fighter was trying to get himself laid (sad I know) and he was having some trouble with it even with his CHA of 18. Anywho the DM was make him seduce guys to to check if one was a guy he kicked them in the crotch. It turned out to be a girl but the spiky boots caused quite alot of bleeding and guards were called, here's the conversation

Guard: "Halt citizen, what has happened to this lady?"
Me: "I had nothing to do with this"
Fighter: Rolls a 20 for bluff, "It's her time of the month"
Guard: "Ok.... too much information" Walks away
Me: "Can we continue with the quest now?"

we also had some problems with perpetually asking barkeeps "what's on tap"


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## Conan2185 (Apr 22, 2008)

I'm Playing a Dwarf fighter in a forgotten realms campaign with about 100 HP. our group is facing two cultists and their medium sized green dragon ally. i get nailed by the corrosive gas breath weapon and fail the reflex save but the DM got a total of six for damage. the dwarf yelled out "I've had stronger DRINKS!!!" and charged it


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## Druchii in Space (Apr 7, 2008)

Conan2185 said:


> I'm Playing a Dwarf fighter in a forgotten realms campaign with about 100 HP. our group is facing two cultists and their medium sized green dragon ally. i get nailed by the corrosive gas breath weapon and fail the reflex save but the DM got a total of six for damage. the dwarf yelled out "I've had stronger DRINKS!!!" and charged it


Now thats a Dwarf Player. :laugh:


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## Initiate (Mar 25, 2007)

Just last week, my dwarf fighter, (who, by the way, is probably the only reason our group gets into _any_ fights), with a wisdom 7 charged a hobgoblin mage after he demanded that the group leave his army of about 30 hobgoblins and a dozen goblins alone and go back to where we came from. Obviously it wasn't the smartest thing I did. 

I then tell the DM that I will ram a tree down on top of the mage and the two archers next to him. He says wait, the archers get some shots first. They promptly stick my poor dwarf with four arrows.

One of them grazes his brow, and blood covers his eyes. He then runs straight into the tree by accident and tips it over with the force of his impact (level 4 dwarf fighter: 257 pounds without armour) killing the archers and the mage. 

He then quickly gets up with his axe raised yelling, "Bring it you gits!" to the hobgoblins which he couldn't see were clearly incapacitated and licking the dirt.


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## buckythefly (Mar 16, 2009)

When playing Dungeons and dragons, in the middle of complicated negotiations by my halfling rogue to talk the town guard out of thinking WE knocked over their guard tower under the impression it belonged to the Orcs we were hunting. Our cleric decided it was a great idea to cast zone of truth. my rogue turned around to him and said something to the effect of "Oh great, Now I have no choice but to tell them we knocked the tower over, slayed two unicorns, various woodland creatures and let the Orc Warband get away, not to mention I want to bone the nymph and we are so screwed..." the whole party looked around "...did he say OOC....oh god he didn't"


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## ghazghkull-killyork (Jun 15, 2008)

i play a very handy human rogue with cha 20 yay
i also have social recovery and second impression which is always really handy for a rogue with a brand od a penis and ass on his head 
now this came about cause i had some paralising goo and found my friend a (knight in full plate) by a huge hole in the ground and my natural rogueness said push him in please
so i did and put the goo about the hole so if he made it up he would go down
now the sad thing in that story is that i was out bluffed by a half ork barbain
(not cool) now i have like 5 bluff inhanceing feats and skill tricks and thanks to them the entire party now firmly believe that i was being controlled by a demon (yay for bluff 20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) that is my story


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## freaklord (Sep 13, 2007)

ages ago playing WHFRP a mate of mine was playing a dwarf troll slayer and we'd entered a forbidden elf forest. he killed a wild bear to eat but it turned out to be a elf shape shifter in the form of a bear. when he was killed he reverted back to elven form. hearing the elven guards approching we wondered what to do with the dead elf in front of us. "don't worry i'll sort it" said my dwarf mate, and ate him.


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## The Son of Horus (Dec 30, 2006)

As the GM, my "PC" NPC doesn't get to talk much since I'm busy juggling the other NPCs, opposition, etc., and it'd be odd talking to myself. However, in my Dark Heresy game, when Sergeant Zuriel Khan does speak, it's usually something profound and terrible. For example, the party was recently investigating a genestealer cult in an underhive. They get down into the hideout, and notice there's another way into the complex-- some stairs up. They don't bother going up them, but continuing on. So, I rolled an intelligence check for Sergeant Khan, and had him go over to the stairs, place a trip wire and two kilos of fyceline (which is the equilvalent of C4 in the 41st millenium), and simply said, "This might be kind of cool..."


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## Euphrati (May 24, 2009)

The Dark Hersey game that I GM has had some interesting moments as far as having to break to catch our breath.

The most recent occurred on a mission to recover an ancient xenos artifact from a world under greenskin assault. The party's Inquisitor briefed them personally on the mission, telling them that she has called in a favor from an 'old friend' to aid them. That 'friend' turns out to be a member of the Deathwatch (Ultramarine) named Marcus.

At one point they become trapped deep inside the building the artifact is located in, pinned in a hallway with greenskins closing in on them. The Deathwatch drops his shoulder and bull rushes the wall, smashing through to the next room. They all dive through the hole and start to drag furniture to cover the opening. Half the room is collapsed, blocking the door... so the guardsman (not to be outdone by a 'mere' Astartes) shouts, 'Don't worry! I've got this one!' and charges the far wall. Dice roll and he fails with a 99. The guard gets up and tries again, rolling a 100. Needless to say: Wall > Guardsman. The Marine hauls the dazed pc to his feet and taps on the wall before saying, 'Next time I would advise checking to see if it is reinforced _first_, but I applaud the effort.'
It took a few minutes to clean up the drink one player nearly choked on.


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## Alexious (Apr 13, 2009)

Although not strictly happening during a game the following haunted me for 5 years.

I was a teacher at one stage in my career, and was always known as being particularly tough... (The teacher who you didn't screw with). I am 6ft tall and have a widows peak with black hair and I work out considerably... As this was my first professional job I took it oh so seriously and wore always dark suits with dark ties. I can be rather indimidating for anyone in the under 16 bracket and my voice is rather deep and commanding. You know the type...

SMITH.... IF YOU WANT TO RUN IN THE HALLWAYS YOU CAN DO SO DURING DETENTION WHICH YOUR NOW HAVING TOMMORROW NIGHT. 

Yeah I loved it.... until...

I was due to give a presentation to a school assembly and they had clipped me with a microphone and I was waiting off stage in an office as the usual ruckus of rubbish was dealt out to the students who were being told off for something... At the same time I was a player in a Vampire the Masquerade RPG in which I was playing a Vampire... my mobile phone started to vibrate in my pocket and I picked it up as it was my friend who was playing my "partner in crime" in the game. (We often found the best fun for Vampire was setting up other players and double crossing everyone we could). We often talked before a game about strategy or sent messages to the GM and told him what we were secretly doing. The conversation went like this at my end.

Hello Alex speaking...

Yes how are you?

Oh ok.

Well thats ok then, we will just send some people around and get him to come over and have a chat.

Yeah?

Well when he arrives you slash his throat from behind and I will stick him in the ribs with a knife and then we can drink the blood. I hate drinking from the vein as it tastes like dirt.

Well I am rather more sophisticated in how I drink blood thanks.

It will be easy to get rid of the corpse, we can use the furnance in the bottom of the building.

Ok then, make sure you get plastic sheets, after last time I don't want mess on the carpet.

See you tonight, about 8, bye.

I then walked out onto the stage to present some awards. I remember thinking that child is rather pale..... everyone was deathly quiet and just staring at me.....a hall full of 800 students and the entire faculty was just staring at me in shock.

My microphone had been switched on for the entire conversation.

I became known as THE TEACHER YOU NEVER EVER EVER FUCK WITH... after that.


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## Jack Jack (Nov 16, 2008)

The punch of your story was soo predictable. and hilariousk:

good one


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## Sniper (Mar 9, 2008)

:shok: just.... just.... LOL :laugh:

Sniper


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## Da Red Paintjob Grot (May 6, 2008)

Holy. Crap. That was so funny i almost fell off my chair. Well, I cannot top that, But here is mine: 
First things first, I run a RP club. About a year ago, I let my little brother join in (he was 10 at the time). Now, you may think this was my error; not so. He has been quite good, most of the time. But this one takes the cake.

He was playing a Dwarf ranger ( I think) and the Party were chasing some cultists. They had the last cultist (A very strange evil cleric/wizard) trapped in a treehouse. Now, for reasons i forget, my brothers character was all oiled up (in real oil) and set a trail of oil towards the tree. he then decided to climb this tree. So oily trail to and up tree. He then opened the trapdoor, which was trapped (i'm not inventive) with burning sticks, in a criss-cross pattern. He dicided to saw one off. This worked, he now has a flaming stick. Stupid, aye, but not insalvagable. Throw it into water, and your fine. But no. Throw it to your friend and tell him to _light the trail of oil._ Then complain that you're on fire, Break your neck (almost), be knocked out then wake up and get into a fight (1HP)


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## Inquisitor Einar (Mar 6, 2009)

Around here, we have a Werewolf LARP game, which has been running for about 10 years now.. and we've had a lot of very hilarious moments and some very infamous quotes by people.
One of the best(worst) was this one:

On the first sessions, a silver fang ahroun becomes the alpha of the sept, somewhere during the session, just as we were about to storm a wyrm thingie, his phone goes off, someone called him IC telling him someone was muttering things about being a better alpha of the sept, so he tells the rest of of the strike group, which was later to become one of the most glorious packs of the sept, an all Get of Fenris pack called 'The Fangs of Valor':
Sorry guys, I can't fight the wyrm right now, I need to go defend my position.

Needless to say.. we were not amused when we returnd with that wyrm beastie in little pieces.


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## Col. Schafer (Apr 15, 2008)

The character was a 4th ed dragonborn barbarion. (Why-oh-why I let him play one...) who had been arested and had no equipment with him. 

"Is there anyone in the cell?"

"Yes theres a guy with a black leather glove on whereing red sunglasses lieing on his bunk, and two guys playing dice in the corner."

"Ok, I hit the guy on the bunk in the face."

I roll my eyes. "Ok..." He gets a critical hit, and kills the guy. He was a major plot point. "The guards run into the room, there are 5 of them, all with spears and chain-mail."

"I punch one in the face."

He ends up killing all of them, why was I not suprised? Then he shouts, in character; *"LIKE A BOSS!"* I couldnt help laughfing.


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## Benidem (May 13, 2008)

I had a hive Arbitrator once who took a background that gave him Hatred (tech heritics) and paranoia combining these two with my charecter's low intelligence i constantly mistook things for tech heresy and ran shock maul swinging so they ended up tieing a rop around my waist and the other end to the inquisitor's pet Grey Knight. 

Later on the party realized that we were the 4th wall breaking, joke craking, in over there head sidekicks to said Grey Knight and insisted that everything we said OOC is said IC for our own ammusement.

We decided that every member had to have a grapnel and must kill atleast one enemy with it to be considered a real member of the cell.

My Arbitrator's catch phrase was: TECH HERESY!!!

and this is why we stop playing at 2am becuase shit just gets weird


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## Tha Tall One (Aug 16, 2008)

"The Thieves Guild was so secret even the DM didn't know it existed."


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## Cole Deschain (Jun 14, 2008)

In SoH's Dark Heresy game, I run a Void-Born Psyker named Zane Cortez.

Cortez hates everything, chain-smokes, and acts ike the leader of the team even though it's not an official position.

So we're investigating the aforementioned Genestealer Cult 

All the better invesitgators are out combing the Hive for information.

Cortez, being a fairly devout fellow, goes to church. While there, I idly mention that he is going to listen to the mutterings of the parishoners, and see what he can dig up.

We're talking an unskilled attempt at basic information gathering.

So, in a system where low percentiles equal success, I roll a natural 1.

SoH basically hands me the campaign notes for what's happening in the city.

Cortez sticks a Lho Stick in his mouth, lights it up, tromps back to the Arbites Precinct House we'd been based out of, sits on an ammo crate, and glances over at our pyromaniacal Guardswoman.

"Why don't you go.... _do_ something."

"Like... what?"

"I dunno, flash your boobs at a gang leader or something. I've done my bit."


I've an absurd fondness for ol' Zane, because has not yet gone a single session without insulting the rest of his team.


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## BloodAngelsfan (Jan 22, 2009)

I remember, one time I was being DM for D&D, one guy was a bard and as he was walking, he used an ability, can't remember which. we all look back at the assorted papers in front of us and all you could here was "Do you know, the muffin man?" and he just went on for five minutes. Also, more recently, (has anyone here seen Unforgotten Realms?) my cousin just randomly shouted "I CAST FLARE" and shone a flashlight in the other players eyes before rolling to see what the loot was. I have no idea where he got a flashlight.


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## Crimson_Chin (Feb 20, 2009)

Sorcerer in my current group casts colorspray, and yells out "taste the rainbow!"


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## Lord Lucius (Sep 18, 2008)

so ,Im running a dark heresy campaign, and my pcs are doing their tour of duty on tranch (basicaly northen ireland when all that shit was kiking of) and they have been told that the remaining cultists defend their hideouts with IEDs so OK they are patroling the streets and some fighting kicks off. they run across a gantry about three stories up and they fight in this corridore. the accolytes want to sweep the rooms to either side off the coridore, fine ,very sensible. so the crazy (but with only 5 insanit points out of 90) psycher with a huge, very inacurate custom made bolt pistol KICKS IN THE DOOR at a place which is held by the TLF (tranch liberation forces) BOOM a molotove goes of, only dealing 2 points off damage mind. he straffes the room with gunfire killing one cultist, then CLICK missfire, so what does he do?he refires that round, and what do bolts do? thats right they explode, ends up with 5 crit damage , blows off his hand and he faints.12 hours later after primitive medical atention, he wakes up. they continue to kick down doors stupidley, so I made one to be rigged with a melta bomb, dust to ruin his day! morol of story, dont piss off gm!


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## steelandvelvet (Sep 14, 2009)

My friends and I were playing DND 4E. I was playing a seriously unhinged, but brilliant and convincing warlock. We were being commissioned by this town to defend it from an invading troll army. The town thought it would be a good idea to ask us what would be good ways to bolstering their defenses. Specifically they asked how to get the trolls to leave them alone and not eat them. Before anyone else could speak up I popped up with "If you want to keep the trolls out, light your house on fire and they wont come in." And that was when I was officially told I wasn't allowed to talk to outsiders of the group.


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## rodbobthebrit (Nov 15, 2010)

A good quote from a dark Heresy game I'm currently involved in;
One of our group was being interrogated by the inquisition after a mission where we came up against a chaos deamon, we were all questioned by the inquisition, but this guy being a psyker got 'special' treatment. When he was instructed to remove his clothing by the Inquisitor, in order to check for physical signs of taint he replied "Sheesh! You're awfully forward, you could at least buy me dinner first!"


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## search116 (Aug 9, 2010)

A quote of a 3rd edition D&D campaign."Ragnar the dwarf finds out there is no ale.............. Ragnar kills himself"


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## Raizer Sabre (Nov 8, 2010)

rodbobthebrit said:


> A good quote from a dark Heresy game I'm currently involved in;
> One of our group was being interrogated by the inquisition after a mission where we came up against a chaos deamon, we were all questioned by the inquisition, but this guy being a psyker got 'special' treatment. When he was instructed to remove his clothing by the Inquisitor, in order to check for physical signs of taint he replied "Sheesh! You're awfully forward, you could at least buy me dinner first!"


i read up as far as "the inquisition" before thinking "no one expects the spanish inquisition!!!"


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## Otep (Mar 18, 2008)

i was playing D&D when i was in AIT (advanced individual training for the army) and the dm threw a vampire at us and it threatened to "suck us dry"

my smart ass drow monk/assassin smiled and responded "my your a horny little vampire!"


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## gundamboy195 (Aug 17, 2010)

:sigh: well, might as well throw mine out there. In my Pathfinder (D&D 3.75)I play a..... well, played, a half-orc ranger named Nork. two-weapon fighting, double-slash, CQC ranger. Well, the campaign I'm in was searching this abandoned mansion. we got to the second floor when the DM tells me that the barries i had eaten have given me diaria. I run down the hall and kick in the door, luckily it turns out to be the bathroom. as i sit down on the toilet, the DM again  has the floor collapse from under me! I fall through to the basement with my pants around my ankles and get attacked by a big rat. rolls are made, and the thing bites me in the junk T_T. well, later on in the same building, the fire-happy wizard ends up killing me when I'm tanking damage for the group. Well being the kind (sarcasm) companions they are, pay to have me re-incarnated...... as a female elf


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## BiOHaTe (Nov 19, 2009)

"We are under the underworld... that can't be good..."


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## Renkore (Mar 25, 2011)

I have a few, so I might as well share them, here is one.

I was playing D&D as a Burly Dwarf Paladin to some Neutral Deity of Travel and we were at a Bar, fairly close to endgame for a rather short campaign actually, all we had left to do was raid this Cultist-Guy's house. When suddenly our Rogue stole from a Half-Ogre over at the bar. Naturally I went in to do some dwarven-diplomacy and my DM said, "Tell me what you say to Crulhag here." So I start giving some Diplomacy Speech when my Sister walks into the room and says "holla." To which I immediately reply in a musical tone "Their Ain't No Hollaback Girl!" because I always say that when someone says Holla to me for whatever reason and our DM looks me straight in the face as my Sis walks out the room, "You know he's gonna punch you now, right?"

Thus began a battle that we actually managed to increase from a Bar fight to a Minor Rebellion with, and wound up taking our fight with Crulhag all the way to the bad guy's house during which the Villain was pushed down some stairs by Crulhag before he could do anything Boss-like and our rogue (Who had snuck around a pillar and was trying to sneak up the stairs to stab Crulhag) Backstab-Killed the Badguy... Then I fell out a window, and got crushed to death during the riots...

Man I wish we still had that DM, but he moved away a few years ago.


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## HatingYou (Oct 10, 2010)

"HE CAN HAVE AN AXE BUT I CAN'T HAVE A FUCKING DEATHSTAR!!??"

wise words


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## Anarkitty (Jul 29, 2008)

My D&D group has a long and storied history of doing fucked up things that kind-of make sense.

One example (more to follow):

We were in the lower levels of a dungeon and we had just (barely) defeated a powerful Illithid Mage. In his chamber were three chests that all radiated magic. We were certain that had some nasty traps but we couldn't dispel or disarm them. We really wanted to get into those chests though.
My Lawful Evil Dwarfen Monk came up with the bright idea, "It's the Mind Flayer's chests, so he probably wouldn't trigger the traps, right? Lets use the Mind flayer to smash the chests!"
My girlfriend's 19 Strength Elven Barbarian liked the idea, so she went back a couple of rooms in the dungeon and tore a 10-foot iron bar out of the ground (there were cages for some reason I can't remember). We picked up the dead Illithid and got a running start, and BAM! Mind-Flayer-on-a-Stick! The barbarian proceeded to smash the heavy wooden chests with the MFoaS. Repeatedly. It was messy.
We actually kept the now _horribly mangled_ impaled abomination as our party standard for a while, until we realized no one ever bothered to have it taxidermied and it really started to smell, and we had to throw it out.
To this day, anyone who was there can be cracked up with a slightly modified Jeff Dunham reference.

This is by no means the most entertaining or worst thing we have ever done though...


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## Grenth (Mar 21, 2011)

Okay, so I'm playing a Paladin (LN alignment as I hate LG), my wife is playing a Rogue, there are more in the party but they don't really matter for this. We are passing through a village that is being harrassed by a gang of thugs, the town is being evacuated for some reason and the thugs have blocked off the bridge and are demanding everyone who wants to cross it pay a toll. We obviously don't want to pay. Being a Lawful man I know they are on the side of wrong, so I turn a blind eye to the Rogue who pulls a con of her own. With an excellent bluff roll she whips out a generalised Deed Document while I berate the thugs, hiding behind me she amends the document to show that it is for the bridge we are standing on and presents it to them informing them that they owe Her (as the owner of the bridge) all the tolls they have collected. The thugs looks at the party and think twice about what they are doing, THEN the Rogue offers to SELL them the damn bridge as she "never wanted it in the first place and won it in a game of cards anyway" (nat20 Bluff) and they buy the bridge so they can legitimately toll everyone who crosses it. Rogue then gives them 20g of their own money (that they just used to pay her) as the party's toll!


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## yoyoyo12365 (Dec 6, 2010)

So, this one is (I think) one of those "you had to be there" moments, but here goes:
This is D&D 4e, and I am a massive (6'9" 310lbs) Dragonborn fighter, and I wield a fullblade (just about the biggest sword that one CAN wield). This is very early in the campaign, and I've had little luck with my rolls.
I am currently engaged in combat with a bugbear, and have spent the last 4 rounds doing minimal damage, and stunning the hell out of it (fullblade to the ankle, anyone?). I am, quite understandably, sick and tired of this thing not dying, so I decide to do the most cruel thing that I can think of. I reach below the beast's belt, and perform my first sex-change operation (natural 20 FTW). Oddly enough, this actually deals enough damage that the thing dies on the spot.
I didn't hear the end of it until I missed a night, and in my infinite wisdom, allowed another player to run my character. He got tar in his eyes. They tried to burn the tar off. He died. The end.


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## VK-Duelist (Oct 4, 2010)

During a game of Black Crusade:

Me( Heretek): Gentlemen, I have repaired our Rhino after you idiots drove it into a moat. Not only that, but I have given it a new paint job!

*Unveils*

Chaos Sorcerer: Why the fuck is it pink?

Me: Because A) I'm the Heretek and only one who knows how to repair this so shut the fuck up. Any other questions?

Chaos Champion: Where the hell did you get an AutoCannon to put on that thing?

Me: Remember our other Chaos Champion? The one who drove this Rhino into the moat and said I CAN'T build a Warhound Titan?

CC: Yeah?

Me: When he knocked out by the last Daemon encounter, I turned his ass into a servitor. He doesn't need a AutoCannon now!


And that's why no one pisses me off no more in Black Crusade!


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## High_Seraph (Aug 28, 2009)

Playing in the group of Dark Heresy that recently ended we had a very funny encounter. In necropolis at a local bar I, as a ganger scum arbitor, walk up to a half demon and charm the fuck outta her with a roll of 1. Needless to say she is liking me very much when our other arbitor walked up and rolled a 100 twice. He then shouts out for the whole store to hear, LOOK AT MY TING-TING!!! The half demon rips his face off for that.


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## LordMercury (Dec 5, 2011)

I was playing in a Dark Heresy group as a guardsman, and our group had just finished going through a time loop our GM came up with. So while rolling to see if any of us gain insanity for going through the loop, EVERYBODY crit fails the roll except me. I actually crit succeeded, so I gain no insanity, and lost a point of insanity. I shouted "I DON'T GIVE A FLYING **** ABOUT TIME LOOPS IM A BAD*** MUTHAF***A" My GM cracked up so much that he awarded me the Jaded talent as well xD


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## Raizer Sabre (Nov 8, 2010)

in my first dnd game, our wizard, in his ineffible wisdom decides to kick open a huge door while we're in the middle of a fairly tough fight. these skeleton things are giving us grief due to poor rolling and he wants to try and escape. so goes over to the door, kicks it open and immediately, a giant minotaur charges into him, throws him over his head about 4 squares and lands smack dab in the middle between an orc zombie thing and a goblin, both of whom are satanding on a platform which grants bonus damage. all this happened because the wizard thought it would be funny. his later words were "oh s**t!!!"


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## Captain_Daerys_Arrun (Jan 9, 2012)

I've played a wide variety of roleplaying games over the years and it has led to some classics:

Boothill was a western RPG. My buddy Joe showed up late and had to make his character. He spent almost an hour tweeking out the idea he wanted and finally satisfied we get down to playing. Less than 5 minutes in, one shot to the head. Joe's reply was "Are you kidding me...Can I just play his twin brother with the same stats and everything..."

D&D 2nd edition, my buddy Rob for some reason wasn't feeling going through the whole module so right at the begining he uses a with to teleport himself and no one else right to the the demon lord's throne room. Needless to say it became a revenge mission for the rest of us.

D&D 2nd edition after a long hard fought campaign we were down to our last two characters, Matt and I both being elves. Matt falls but my rogue manages to land the final blow dropping the villian. Matt says "Now you just need to take my body somewere and get me a rez." To which I reply "You're an elf and I'm an elf, elves don't believe in that." And while he is still in shock I look at the rest of the group and say "Besides, I am chaotic neutral so I'm not getting anyone rezzed." Retired as the richest character ever to a life of sin...


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## Chaplain Decious (Oct 6, 2010)

Well, here goes:

We were sat at a banquet with the king in a D&D game and one of the other guest stands up and starts casting spells every which way... the party stand up to confront him and the famous last words of our Barberian were "its only a wizard, how hard can it be"


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## Morhgoz (Mar 7, 2012)

Here's couble legendary ones I can remember even, err after long period un-sleepyness...

Shadowrun 3rd ed: My Troll Shark Shaman, at the moment 4rd level initiative, and his mates get involved to bar fight in small bar in Alaska, and Slaughta, my shaman was the one who started it, ofcoarse. So, Slaughta gets iniative, naturally as only chahracter with move-by-wire would go faster, and GM ask what will I do. I simply say "Mä teen Raipat!" "I'll do Raippa's!" ( One of the other players, was banned earlier from hangout bar for hitting bar stool to some idiot's head ) Everybody laugh their lungs out, including Raippa...

Before LARP called Örkkikorpi II/Orcwilderness II, as orc players are putting so make-up in cparking lot. I'm painting big warpaint to my frriend's, Henkka, back:

Henkka: What are you painting?
Me: You promased that I can paint anythink I want.
Others: giggling
Henkka: What the f**k are you painting?
Me: Weeell, it's holy symbol...
Others: laughing
Henkka: (broudly & loud) Well, it is holy symbol of Spider Goddess!!!
Others: laughing out loud!!!
Me: Well, it have 8 legs or something... (while trying to stop laughing...)
Henkka: Teemu, PERKELE! (after someone told that picture in his back is meter long vulva...)


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## Warlord_Winters (May 2, 2012)

My 1st D&D game, i was in Community College and one of the teachers actually started the group, i was a dwarf, one guy was a bard, a mage and the teacher is always a paladin, we were in the tavern, and our objectice was to stop 3 level 6 thugs from causing problems, we were level one, so we had to talk them out of it, or something it's been years and hard to remember, and out of no where the bard shouts, "I smash one of the guys in the face with my Lute" then they attacked and we all died


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## gothik (May 29, 2010)

going back to the 80's, playng a star trek intelligence game, one of the characters preferred playing the one in the background who rarely spoke, so the GM decided to appoint the captain randomly, whoever rolled the lowest dice roll became the captain.

This player rolled his dice then popped a minto into his mouth and was happily sucking away when the GM said congratulations CAPTAIN Verhoven...his character....minto went flying across the room never to be seen again...i think it must be a colony of its own by now...


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## Raizer Sabre (Nov 8, 2010)

in a game of savage worlds a couple of months back, the players (including me) were part of an entourage of some earl or something (the campaign was set in 17th century vienna) who was like 13 or something. we got jumped by highwaymen on the road to vienna and suffice to say the earl was a little pissed off. when we got to our accomodation, some count's estate, the earl wanted a hot bath run. the exchange went thus:

GM: so the earl orders his bath and several minutes later, there's maids bringing in this copper tub into his room, filling it up with hot water and also helping him undress
Me: (under my breath in character but out loud to the players) poor kid, he hasn't hit puberty yet, there's no way he can truly appreciate this...

the next couple of minutes were just spent laughing, with one guy's shoulders going like a jackhammer XD

i also suggested, in a more recent game of traveller that to get inside this briefcase containing orders that could only be opened by the captain and the recently murdered navigation officer's dna patterns "could we not just cut off the guy's hand and have the computer read the dna off that?"


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## High_Seraph (Aug 28, 2009)

Alright time to tell the tale of Fucking Gaius. See the thing is my friend who is helping me with being a GM made a voidborn assassin who could shoot the wings off a fly at one mile but anything else he will fail at. Notice anything wrong in a bloodfilled corridor with maimed bodies all around? Nope nothings here but the floor and walls are a weird shade of red. Open a crate? Nope will throw his back out and fall on the floor in pain for rolling a 100. Shoot the enemy about to rip apart the ONLY adept who knows what we need? Righteous Fury out the ass making him explode in gore. Dodge a massive fucking blow from a mutant? Backflip with style before making it blow up in a spray of gore. Now the part where he gets called Fucking Gaius. Call him just Gaius and he fails everything but he gets called Fucking Gaius he succeeds damn near every time. 

So the mission is going okay, with Gaius fucking up as usual, Finiel, the meattank guardsmen, walks up to a bar asking for information about a local gang but gets refused. So he walks over to the group and talks in cipher to them before someone suggests Gaius as he is the only "shady" character. Finiel then responds with, "What Fucking Gaius? He won't get shit from that guy. He will just fail and bring the Arbites down on us or something!" Gaius walks up and rolls a 1 and gets all the information they need. The name stuck after that.


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