# story written for fun



## aboytervigon (Jul 6, 2010)

The war was lost, but the battle was won…..
Asagar, Lord of the skies surveyed the battle; his Chaos marines charged through the ranks of the filthy emperors children, there blades not worthy enough to cut through the hard Ceramite of his mighty terminator legion; There hulking forms took no damage from the sonic cannons employed by there enemies.

Asagar bellowed to his fellow marines “Don’t stop, destroy all of them for the mighty god Khorne, king of skulls and lord of blood!”

On the opposite Hill Asagar could see his nemesis the Lord Kirius, his Armour bright and garish colours, In his left hand he held a Power sword and in his right a Chain-axe stolen from Asagar’s mighty Terminators but the most despicable thing Kirius had done to his armour was his helmet; It had been remoulded into a hideous screaming face, its mouth open perpetually screaming and an absolute look of pure terror moulded into it. Asagar Imagined his own armour in comparison, it was a beautiful creation marks of khorne and trophies imbedded into every nook and cranny and two long lightning claws at the end of his forearms, wired into his arms so that he could feel every wound caused by it and relish it; Asagar wore no helmet as he was not a coward but his jump pack he could not live without, connected via nano-wires Asagar could control its thrusters and power at will.

“FORWARD! FORWARD! BLOOD FOR THE BLOODGOD!” Bellowed Asagar

“SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!” Repeated his mighty legion in there thunderous collective voices 

Asagar activated his jumpack and flew right into the fray, his mighty claws slicing and dicing his way through the pathetic armour of his enemies; Asagar relished as he plunged his claws into a noise marines abdomen, Asagar could feel as the power field surrounding them turning the Marines organs to slush and Ichor inside his body. 

“YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO WARRIORS EVERYWHERE” frothed Asagar.

Asagar then decapitated the corpse, a sacrifice to Khorne and then proceeded to Attack the rest of the mongrels of slaanesh. The battle was won for Asagar! The infidel Emperors children couldn’t possible stop his unstoppable assault, But then Kirius appeared in the distance; coming within a hundred metres of Asagar was considered a bad Idea by most warriors let alone coming face to face.

“This will be the battle” sniffed Kirius “that ends the war for Daemonhood, and rest assured Asagar, your death is a certainty” 

Before Asagar could respond, Kirius charged at him; His power sword glowing balefully. As many of you know a Power Field has no effect on another power field so when Kirius struck down onto as Asagar’s head, it was quickly defended by his two lightning claws. Kirius was Angered, How dare Asagar have the tenacity to survive Kirius’s Killing blow strike!

“You are nothing Asagar, I am the favoured of Slaanesh! She who thirsts! The prince of pleasure! How dare you survive me!” Yelled Kirius in a fit of rage.

“You are no more the Favourite of slaanesh than I am the favoured of nurgle!” Scoffed Asagar “I am a warrior of the king of skulls and lord of blood but I no more claim to be his favourite than I claim to be Typhus the traveller! 

Just then Kirius unleashed his doom siren, a scream so loud that It could destroy catamite started to eminate from his helmet, Asagar quickly stedied himself; he couldn’t keep this up for long already the ceramite around his armour was starting crack and fly off. 

“WHY DON’T YOU SURRENDER!!!!” Kirius shouted through the doom siren “THE BATTLE IS HOPELESS, I HAVE WON!!! YOU CAN’T WIN”

Asagar could of heard his words even if he tried, the doom siren had deafened him; but Asagar did not need ears to realise that the doom siren had stopped and Kirius was on the floor panting heavily. Without stopping to gloat or monologue Asagar quickly decapitated the weakened Kirius and shouted.

“Khorne! King of blood! Lord of skulls! I sacrifice this mighty servant of slaanesh to you! Please grant me your blessing!”

Almost immediately Asagar could feel a strange pain take hold inside him, just then Asagar’s left arm exploded into a giant clawed hand! Asagar knew it, he was being granted Daemonhood! Then a spiked tale erupted from behind him. Asagar did not notice the fuzziness of mind that quickly overtook him and the bestial instincts that well up inside him, Asagar could not think properly all he wanted to do was destroy! Was this what Daemonhood was about? No, Asagar knew now what was happening. He tried to curse Khorne but Asagar’s mouth no longer resembled anything remotely human. Strange appendages started to burst forth from Asagar in all sorts of weird places, until Asagar was a weeping chaos spawn but this was not the worst part; through all the gibbering madness that had over taken him, a small intelligent part of Asagar remained and what he saw will haunt him until he dies in battle, but until that day Asagar will always see the Haunting face of Kirius taunting him until the end of days.


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*Wooooowwww*

There were parts of the story that were laughable. A story for fun is definitely what it is. 

Names such as Emperor's Children should be capitalized along with titles of people; Example- Lord of Blood, Prince, King, Captain, Boogie Man and Lord Sniffy Toes. 

The story does not flow very well, but I was able to read it and enjoy it. Keep working and having fun. 

P.S. and Kirius was on the floor panting heavily. Why was he on the floor panting heavily?


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## increaso (Jun 5, 2010)

There is a potentially good story here that is let down by some grammar issues and style points.

Grammar

I repeat Adrian's point - capitalise names and titles.

Un-capitalise random words like Chaos and Ceramite.

Their = belongs to them.

There = There you are, There you go, There be dragons.

After speech the 'he said/he bellowed/he frothed' should start with a lower case letter.

No capitals after commas or semi-colons (unless name or title).

Style

You can sometimes get away with block capital sentences to denote shouting, but you don't need to do this if it is followed by 'bellowed Asagar'. It's saying the same thing twice.

Also, I would avoid overuse of dialogue tags that deviate from 'Dave said/said Dave'. You shouldn't need to say 'bellowed Asagar'. The tone of the dialogue should be divined out from the dialogue and the surrounding passages.

Finally, never use more than one exclamation mark at the end of a sentence and try to use as little as possible. Again, the text should set the tone in the readers mind and the exclamation mark will be regularly overstating the tone.



And if you got this far: Keep writing, it's better than most of my junk.


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## aboytervigon (Jul 6, 2010)

@Adrian A doom siren uses the shout of a warrior as its weapon, Kirius was shouting for a long time so it made him go out of breath. I am also not the best at making stories flow, I have to many ideas and not enough writing skill.

@Increaso I have a really bad habit of capitalizing random letters.

Thanks for the advice, I just like writing for fun.


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*Hi*



aboytervigon said:


> @Adrian A doom siren uses the shout of a warrior as its weapon, Kirius was shouting for a long time so it made him go out of breath. I am also not the best at making stories flow, I have to many ideas and not enough writing skill.
> 
> @Increaso I have a really bad habit of capitalizing random letters.
> 
> Thanks for the advice, I just like writing for fun.


See, now that's funny! Also none of us were very good when we started out and some of us still are not. Keep at it and the ideas will flow better and clearer as time goes on.

Chaos= Armies of darkness, chaos = dirty room, the place was in chaos.

Capitalize proper names of cults, armies and religions.


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## aboytervigon (Jul 6, 2010)

Whats funny?


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

aboytervigon said:


> Whats funny?


Kirius was shouting for a long time so it made him go out of breath. Now that I know why he was out o breath, it makes the scene funny.


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## aboytervigon (Jul 6, 2010)

I just wrote another story that I put here http://www.heresy-online.net/forums/showthread.php?p=1057255#post1057255 and I used your suggestions.


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## Todeswind (Mar 2, 2010)

My comments for this story are more or less my comments that the others have already beaten me to. Keep at it man.


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