# Planetside



## Ste (Aug 28, 2008)

*Planet side*
The voices from a thousand ghosts haunted Viper platoons every movement through the treacherous city, the fifteen men all clad in light flak armor and wearing desert fatigues, equipped with close qaurter assault carbines and led by sergeant Winters a grizzled veteran of several tours, battered and tired he led his men into battle non the less, a large scar ran across his face starting above his eye and running finishing under his chin, the cloth rank slat on his chest worn and faded. The platoon had four heavy weapons specialists carrying the militarys compact LMG and equipped with a set of heavy explosives each. The platoon converged on a suspected enemy position, they were on an active tour of duty and engaged in operation-blade edge.These men had been fighting through the arid desert for months and had finally got to the capital city. But they were highly trained airborne assault soldiers, Theta Platoon was nearby along with Omega Platoon. Together these soldiers created the 501st Orbital Drop Assault Regiment. Low in numbers for two reason; high mortality rates in battle and one of the toughest training regimes known to the guard.

The previously thriving settlement now desecrated by artillery barrages and airstrikes. Masonry strewn across the road and buildings collapsed. Craters littered the streets from the preliminary bombardment, scarred houses and burning cars everywhere. The architecture varying greatly from street to street. Skyscrapers peaked out of the clouds and the grotty terrace houses hid in the shadows of the engineering gods that towered over them. The beige buildings almost camoflauged in the sand storm, they looked more like two story huts over houses. Any civilians unfortunate enough to of been too late for evacuation were now dead or in hiding. hanging onto life as it drained from them.


The soldiers clinging onto every centimeter of ground that they claimed for the Imperial Governor, Claudius Intervenius. The City was being brushed with sand from the arid desert of the planet. Blinded by the oncoming sand storm the men took refuge in an abandoned supermarket nearby. Communications were down so they bunkered up for the night, writing out a watch list they set up defensive positions, light machine guns watching out over the open ground and small arms protecting the narrow corridors. The inside décor of the market was bland and the paint was peeling from the walls, squeaking from rodents and the echo of water droplets continued all night, the floor was cracked and the air was damp and thick. The stench of rotting food and god knows what else drifted around the room that V platoon where situated in. 

The sun dropped from the sky before being replaced by a pale moon. Moon light flickered in between the cracks and bullet holes of the masonry creating a strobe effect. The men fast asleep bar one, lance corporal Valentyn he was a young brave warrior whos home world was destroyed when he was a child war was all he had ever known. He was five foot ten,pale skinned with a strong handsome face, tightly holding the LMG grip he watched nervously over the dark space, his bloodshot eyes were heavy now and lack of sleep was getting to him, his head dipping before he quickly raised it back up again, every time his head dropped it was drooping further and further, until he finally collapsed over his gun into a deep sleep. The last thing he heard as he rolled into darkness was the soft footsteps of the unknown. 

He woke up to the burning rays of the morning sunshine cutting across his face, he was in shit. Falling asleep on stag, demotion was definitely in order. As he got up and turned around his platoon was……gone, no sign of them leaving was present though, the rifles still on the sleeping mats and there rucksacks all propped up against the walls. He pulled out his handgun, a compact .45 UGK, reliable, accurate and good stopping power. Walking gingerly down the pile of rubble he had fell asleep on he moved his gun from left to right in an arc as to engage any enemies he saw. There was no sound now though, no squeaking, no water, nothing. He lowered his profile onto one knee and felt the mats, they were still warm. They couldn’t have been anything more than an hour gone. 

Suddenly he heard a faint whimpering from down one other corridor’s, he kept close to the wall and shuffled slowly until he reached the wooden door, the barrier between him and the noise, he breached into the room with his gun taking the lead, in the corner was one of his platoon. Private Morell, a young recruit who had only joined the Imperial Guard a mere nine months ago. He was clutching onto his rifle, the barrel under his chin, tears rolling down his cheeks.
“I couldn’t stop ‘em, they where everywhere, I didn’t get a chance to… nothing I just ran…they left..” 
“Its ok Morell, don’t worry. Tell me what happened” Interrupted Valentyn.
“I can’t, I won’t. no one will ever know what happened, I can’t live with myself” He put the barrel in his mouth as his finger depressed on the trigger.
“NO!” yelled Valentyn before Morell blew his brains across the wall behind him, blood sprayed on the wall and chunks of flesh slowly slid down the crimson life. His body slumped and his arms fell loose, the gun dropped from his hands and hit the floor next to him.

“Shit!” Spat Valentyn. He walked back on forth in the room, deciding what he could do. Before he ran back to the Rucksacks and routed through them all, gathering, ammo, grenades and the sergeants GPS system. Looking though nearby locations he found a communications relay used by the police department, it was strong enough to break through the sand storm. He kitted up and walked out into the bright sun.

Pulling his combat visor down he depressed a small switch that brought up the Heads Up Display, highlighting key information to him, the system was linked to his rifle and his vital life signs. Giving him the statistics about ammunition remaining in the current clip and heart rate. A life sensor could be brought up by cycling through the functions using the wrist control. What awaited in the barren roads was unknown.


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## Ste (Aug 28, 2008)

Chapter 2-

Taking cautious steps down the empty streets, Valentyn scanned the ghostly buildings to his left and right. There was nothing, no signs of life or even any sign that life had been there. Blown out windows and burnt structures where everywhere. The sand was a foot or so thick now, footsteps of the previous nights assailants would be long gone in the sand storm. In the open desert the sand storm could strip flesh from the bone of a man in minutes. The walls that surrounded the city were battered and broken, but still took the blunt force of the storm, alls Valentyn was feeling was the after storm.

He took a sip from his hydration pack and turned on his life sensor. A small bleep would sound if any living entity was detected within fifty feet. Looking at the area map he located the quickest route to the communication relay was through the major underground subway system. Once he had reached the relay he could radio the other units in the area and gain support from the Behemoth mechs, huge six legged mechanical monstrosities, bearing six heavy cannons on its back and a carry capacity of fifty men, light machine guns lined the brim of the beast. He didn’t no whether or not he needed it but it was sure to uproot the attackers. 

The Panatine subway station was a hundred metres in front of him now; two huge pillars protruded from the ground taking the weight of a gigantic sign ‘Panatine Subway Station’. Steps going a few hundred metres down into darkness lay before him. He had encountered no enemies in the light, but what slept in the darkness no one knew. Each step he took down the stairs echoed his footsteps in to the cavernous subway system. The walls were burdened with thousands of claw marks and bullet holes. The bottom of the stair case was littered with what looked like an entire platoons bullet casings. A small trail of blood led off into the darkness. Turning on the night vision he took his first step into Panatine. 

The trains where at a stand still, all lined up down the rail way tracks, the windows smashed and the interior of the trains was torn up. Rubbish bins tipped over on the platforms, signs and bench’s uprooted and strewn on the floor. Random splatters of blood where everywhere, and the smell of rotting flesh hung heavily in the air. A grim thought dropped into his mind, the civilians who hadn’t been evacuated when the attacks began fled into the subway to be met by the unknown hostiles.

A high pitch screech pierced his ear, he grabbed his headpiece and turned the volume off, on full alert he stuck to the wall like glue. His bayonet attached to his rifle he descended into the darkness of the subway. He clicked on his torch, the NV system wasn’t working and his life sensor was bleeping like crazy, something was nearby. Dropping down onto one knee he held his rifle tightly, his heart rate accelerated and sweat beaded on his brow. Fear of what lurked so close to him terrified him. He scanned the tunnel roof and walls, then the bleeping fell silent for a second as a small nudge caught his attention. He pulled the torch down and shone it on his boot, a small rat squeaked and sniffed his clothes. 

“hey there little gu….” His words cut short as he felt heavy breathing on his neck.

“Shit…” He muttered to himself as he turned to face his stalker. A six foot muscular creature stood before him, pale skinned and wearing torn fatigues. The logo on his chest was that of the Genetics lab. Saliva flowed from the beasts mouth and its eyes were blood shot red. It hissed in his face and lunged it him. Valentyn was propelled backwards into the side of a train. Knocking his helmet off, he scrambled for his Handgun, before firing off several shots into the darkness. His torch lighting up the side of the tunnel, he fell to his knees as he noticed the blood gushing out of his stomach, the creatures claws had torn straight through his armour and gouged his flesh open. He looked up to the dark ceiling in response to another hiss, he could hear hundreds of beeps echoing from his helmet a foot or two away, the hissing became more frequent, hundreds of them. 
“Holy shit” a tear rolled down his cheek as he said a prayer. 
“Come on you fuckers kill me!” He pulled out his grenade belt and took the pin from one, holding down the security handle he cackled insanely.
“If I’m dying your coming with me you mother fuckers!!” He shouted before flicking on his homing beacon on his suit and throwing the grenades over head. An inferno of explosions engulfed the tunnel as the blast bounced off each wall, and caused a fissure in the roofing, the tunnel collapsed in on Valentyn and the creatures that stalked the shadows.


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## Ste (Aug 28, 2008)

Nothing? :/ any ideas for where it could go? iv got some brief ideas myself but wouldlike some imput


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## waltzmelancholy_07 (Sep 30, 2008)

Ei Ste... Can you divide you story into paragraphs?... It's kinda hard to read when it's in this format....


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## Ste (Aug 28, 2008)

sorry it was copied and pasted from notepad :/ il sort it out with the next chapter  nothing on the story itself though?


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## waltzmelancholy_07 (Sep 30, 2008)

I'll post some comments after reading it entirely:victory:...


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## DAvo001 (Jun 30, 2008)

nice one ste. good edit from what i said to you. but is this the end then or what? 
shame if it is


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## Ste (Aug 28, 2008)

No im going to have another platoon intercept the homing beacon once the storm dies down. Would like some helpful criticism and not useless comments


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## waltzmelancholy_07 (Sep 30, 2008)

Poor choice of words there... So which of us posted the useless comments?...

Well anyway...

Some of your paragraphs were in disarray. Let's use the first as an example... 

*The voices from a thousand ghosts haunted Viper platoons every movement through the treacherous city. Masonry strewn across the road and buildings collapsed. Craters littered the streets from the preliminary bombardment, scarred houses and burning cars everywhere. The architecture varying greatly from street to street. Skyscrapers peaked out of the clouds and the grotty terrace houses hid in the shadows of the engineering gods that towered over them. The beige buildings almost camoflauged in the sand storm, they looked more like two story huts over houses. *

- the first sentence implied that the Viper Platoon were the focus of the story and hence, I expected you to described them... Like their movements across the city, their appearances, who were they individually and what were they doing there... But you described the city first and left them out entirely which threw me in confusion... It made me think of questions like "Ok, so where's the part about the Viper Platoons?"

*The fifteen men all clad in light flak armor and wearing desert fatigues converged on a suspected enemy position, they were on an active tour of duty and engaged in operation-blade edge.These men had been fighting through the arid desert for months and had finally got to the capital city, the thriving settlement now desecrated by artillery barrages and airstrikes. The men hadn't encountered any enemies yet in the city. It was dead, all the civilians were evacuated from the once flourishing desert metropolis, any civilians unfortunate enough to of been too late for evacuation were now dead or in hiding. hanging onto life as it drained from them. *

- After the description of the city, you finally inserted the platoons but you described them in a way that made me forget what they were called and I even wondered if they were there in the first place... Then you described the city again... Didn't you described the city once? Why describe it again?

Bear in mind that when you mention the main characters of your story, your readers will anticipate your descriptions about them and a little but interesting details of who they are after that. Don't do what you just did, mentioning them and then describing the city and whatnot when I was really interested in knowing who the Viper Platoons were...

And the description of the city, why do it twice?... 
As much as possible, when you describe something, pour everything you know about it, in one part of the paragraph or in one paragraph entirely... The effect of what you just did, made me skim the 2nd description and continue on with the next paragraph... 

Pacing - the pace of the story was fast because of the descriptions that told me little about their environment and the chaotic placing of descriptions in the paragraphs made it worse... 

Characters/Character - they are barely interesting.... You didn't allow me to delve deeper into their personality and that made them mundane...

And last, the dialogues were cliche....


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## Kale Hellas (Aug 26, 2009)

great story, 
you could have a cople of surviving civilians find him and be keeping him alive whilst there barricaded in a building,
or you could have the thing that cut him pass on a slow acting poison that morphes them into one(by slow acting i mean a day to a week)


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## Commissar Ploss (Feb 29, 2008)

waltzmelancholy_07 said:


> Poor choice of words there... So which of us posted the useless comments?...


I'm sure he didn't mean to insult anyone there. Lets keep it civil OK. :good:

that goes for everyone. Lets not make me say it twice. k:

Just being preemptive,

CP


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## Ste (Aug 28, 2008)

Kale Hellas said:


> great story,
> you could have a cople of surviving civilians find him and be keeping him alive whilst there barricaded in a building,
> or you could have the thing that cut him pass on a slow acting poison that morphes them into one(by slow acting i mean a day to a week)


Thanks Kale Hellas  and yeah sounds like a good idea.

I love everyone and everything! Thank you Waltz for posting C&C like you promised you would in you first post. -CP

-ste-


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## Ste (Aug 28, 2008)

Sorry Commisar Ploss, just read your comment my apologies


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