# Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories Competition 12-04: Annihilation Voting Thread



## Boc (Mar 19, 2010)

This concludes Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories Challenge 12-04!

Congratulations to all of you who participated in this month's competition and making it a success! Thank you all as well, for helping to add colour to the already exceptional fanfic forum here on Heresy. Hopefully in the following months, we can continue to build up interest and maybe bring some more fresh blood to HO's fanfic forums.

Voting works as such:
Each reader (not just writers) can cast three votes, ranking them 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. Feel free to share your thoughts, comments, or brief reviews on the stories as well, since each of the writers worked hard to get their entries up.

Scoring works like this:
1st place: 3 pts
2nd place: 2 pts
3rd place: 1 pt

*When you vote, ensure that you vote in the following format:*
1st Place: Author, Name of Story, 3 pts
and so on.

Unfortunately, to prevent any possible dramas, you cannot vote for your own story. If you cast any votes, you have to cast all three, no picking a single story and nothing more.

Additionally, if you wrote a story, you must vote! As the competition grows, I think it is necessary to point this out. If you enter but do not vote, any votes for your story(ies) will not be counted.

By the end of the voting period, all votes will be tallied and a winner declared.

Once this winner is declared, the winning story will be placed into the Winning HOES thread which has been stickied in this forum.

Just to emphasize again, _you do not need to have written a story to cast your votes!_ The more people that cast their votes, the better!

The deadline for voting will be midnight US Eastern Standard Time *Monday, 30 April 2012*. At that time this thread will be completed, the winner declared, and the new HOES topic for Competition 12-02 will be posted.

Here are the entries from HOES 12-04:


*Table of Contents*

Adrian - "But the Food!"

Mossy Toes - "To Comprehend (It Matters Not)"

Jonileth - "Hidden Doom"

Demonlord24 - Pride

Andygorn - E’en in the broken traitor's breast, hatred’s fires still burn deep and bright

Gothik - The Gods Know Best

Adrian - The Eyes of the Dead

Davidicus40k - As You Command

Dicrel Seijin - "Only War"

Zinegata - "Victory or Death"

Kaiden - "Shadow of the Hydra"

Brother Emund - "Annihilation"

BlackGuard - "A Burden to Bear"

KjellThorngaard - "Doom of Many, Doom of One"

Serpion5 - "To Face Such a Beast"

Dave T Hobbit - "Clear Skies"
​Let the voting begin!


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## Mossy Toes (Jun 8, 2009)

1st Place: Kaiden, "Shadow of the Hydra," 3 pts
2nd Place: Adrian, "The eyes of the dead," 2 pts
3rd Place: Dave T Hobbit, "Clear Skies," 1 pt

Good writing and twists, all of you three to whom I designate my votes.

Dicrel Sejin - nice one. I'm reminded of some other post-40k work I've read, like LordLucan's 50k stuff. Terra consumed in a warp storm, the Emperor ascended--all very good stuff.

Good job to both BlackGuard and Davidicus 40k, with your Exterminatus-based stories. I spent a long time agonizing over which to rank higher while reading the other entries--until other choices pushed them out of my top three. Still, good pair of stories.

KjellThorngaard--I wanted to vote for your story badly. It's a testament to the strength of the other entries that I didn't. Such original stories as this are wonderful to stumble across. I'll be honest--I have found one other account of a Tyranid-absorbed victim before, but I've been reading 40k fanfic for many years now. This type of perversely beautiful story is just the sort of thing for me.

Great work this month, HOESians. The quality of this competition rises every month. I had a genuinely hard time picking out which stories to vote for.


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## Dave T Hobbit (Dec 3, 2009)

A very hard choice this month; after rereading them all I managed to narrow it down to seven. After much comparison I finally managed to get it down to:

1st Place: Mossy Toes, To Comprehend, 3 pts
2nd Place: Kaiden, Shadow of the Hydra, 2 pts
3rd Place: Serpion5, To Face Such a Beast, 1 pt

To Comprehend: it is hard to care about strangers so making an entire planet real enough to care about ultimately put this at top for me.

Shadow of the Hydra: any short story involving seeing the future risks an anticlimactic ending (e.g. "...and then he woke up") and with only 1000 words the risk is even higher, so I gave this story second place for both describing the annihilation well and not killing the ending.

To Face Such a Beast: annihilation is a large concept, so I was very impressed with how well this story makes it personal.


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## gothik (May 29, 2010)

1st Mossy Toes To ccomprehend (it mattrs not) 3pts
2nd Kaiden shadow of the hydra 2pts
3rd blackguard a burden to bear 1pt

genuingly couldnt decide but well done to the above and well done everyone this is certainly growing..


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*My vote*

I hate you Mossy Toes :biggrin:!!!!!! 

1st place - Mossy Toes - To Comprehend - 3 points Grrrrrrrrr!!!

2nd place - KjellThorngaard - "Doom of Many, Doom of One" - 2 points

3rd place - Brother Emund - Annihilation - 1 point

There were so many great stories present it was hard to decide. Honorable mentions; Gothic for the historical view of the last survivors, Davidicus 40 k, Serpion 5 for showing the emotion and momentary weakness of the Necrons and Kaiden.


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## Zinegata (Jan 25, 2012)

Again, standard disclaimers - I pick based on how folks are able to cram a self-contained story within 1,000 words. Setting, conflict, etc. And doing a quick review of each, because I wanna make sure everyone is assured I read their story 

This time though, reviews first before ranking.

Adrian - "But the Food!" - 
I love the concept and the atmosphere. My only quibble: The ending stinger kinda loss its edge, as it felt a bit unclear who was saying that last line.

Mossy Toes - "To Comprehend (It Matters Not)"
High on concept, but a bit lacking in resolution. It's really begging for further explanation. Why is the narrator clearly mad at the Imperium? Why is he / she trying to convey a feeling of hopelessness? 

Jonileth - "Hidden Doom" 
Earns marks for being a fully self-contained story. But I can't help but feel that the characterization of the Marines (particularly working with an Eldar) is a bit "off".

Demonlord24 - Pride
Nicely self contained, but I felt you were rushing that ending and trying to cram it within the word count (I know the feeling). Can't help but feel it may be a touch removed from the theme though.

Andygorn - E’en in the broken traitor's breast, hatred’s fires still burn deep and bright
I think you have a real talent for describing GRIMDARK stuff. But the formatting is an issue, and the sudden annihilation of the world felt abrupt.

Gothik - The Gods Know Best
I sadly felt it was too heavy on the exposition and not enough story.

Adrian - The Eyes of the Dead
Nice. _Very_ nice. A nice mix of exposition, showing us actual action of what happens in a plague-filled world, and then a great twist. Gave me the same chills as when I read this line from elsewhere: "_We_ are the Walking Dead[/i]".

Davidicus40k - As You Command
It feels a bit heavy on the exposition, but it's a nice twist on how to harden an Inquisitor.

Dicrel Seijin - "Only War"
Not bad, as far as "Emperor ressurected" fiction goes, but it feels much more like an intro to a story than a story.

Kaiden - "Shadow of the Hydra"
Good Farseer story. Action, a story, and a twist. My only concern may be the overly long intro, and I felt the second paragraph could have been condensed for much stronger effect while still framing this as a Farseer story. I would argue that sometimes less is more.

Brother Emund - "Annihilation"
It has the real potential of a good action piece, but the flow is a bit confusing, particularly given the formatting oddities.

BlackGuard - "A Burden to Bear"
I'd really hate to say "a bit too much exposition, abrupt end" again, but it seems to be a habit here 

KjellThorngaard - "Doom of Many, Doom of One"
Counting individual cells was weird and threw the story off a bit. Otherwise the overall story concept and the mood-setting was _brillant_.

Serpion5 - "To Face Such a Beast"
Argh, Necrons! Other than personal quibble, it's a solid self-contained story. Can't really say if I liked the twist in this one though, as I'm still used to the old unfeeling Necrons.

Dave T Hobbit - "Clear Skies"
Mostly solid story, good twist. But it had problems flowing smoothly, as though we were cutting from scene to scene with little preamble.

====

So, anyway, my picks:
1st Place: Adrian - The Eyes of the Dead
2nd Place: Kaiden - "Shadow of the Hydra"
3rd Place: KjellThorngaard - "Doom of Many, Doom of One"

Next time can we have a top 5?


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## Zinegata (Jan 25, 2012)

Adrian said:


> I hate you Mossy Toes :biggrin:!!!!!!
> 
> 1st place - Mossy Toes - To Comprehend - 3 points Grrrrrrrrr!!!
> 
> ...


Victory or Death is my story


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## Davidicus 40k (Jun 4, 2010)

Great stories this time 'round, everyone! My rankings:

1st Place: *Kaiden - Shadow of the Hydra*, 3 points.
2nd Place: *Mossy Toes - To Comprehend (It Matters Not)*, 2 points.
3rd Place: *Dicrel Seijin - Only War*, 1 point.

Very nice tales all around, and a lot of different angles and ways of looking at a simple theme. "Shadow of the Hydra" had good descriptions and showed someone other than humans getting devoured by tyranids, though of course there was a twist at the end. "To Comprehend (It Matters Not)" is a very philosophical piece, one that I crafted my story to somewhat counter by portraying Exterminatus as a serious decision that can have (relatively) beneficial consequences. "Only War" is a nice depiction of a post-Emperor galaxy, and his apotheosis made it worthwhile (not just "Oops, Emperor's dead, let the aliens party!").

Honorable mentions go to Serpion5 for "To Face Such a Beast" and Dave T Hobbit for "Clear Skies." It was really tough to pick this month (again) .


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*Good call on that.*



Zinegata said:


> Victory or Death is my story


You have a right to be displeased. Sorry about that. I write down my entries upon a piece of paper and with my Dyslexia sometimes see what I wrote down badly. 

I do like your breakdown of the stories. Great job.


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## Mossy Toes (Jun 8, 2009)

Damn it, why'd I have to give Kaiden my first place vote? Our stories are neck and neck...

Well, I had to vote for him because his story was so damn good, I guess.


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*Hmmmm.*



Mossy Toes said:


> Damn it, why'd I have to give Kaiden my first place vote? Our stories are neck and neck...
> 
> Well, I had to vote for him because his story was so damn good, I guess.


I think you are on to something...


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## jonileth (Feb 1, 2012)

1st- Gothik - The Gods Know Best 3pts
2nd- Serpion5 - "To Face Such a Beast" 2pts
3rd- Adrian - The Eyes of the Dead 1pt


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## KjellThorngaard (Oct 4, 2010)

First off, thanks to those who voted for my story. Special thanks to Mossy for the compliments, it made my day and makes me want to write more.

Now a comment on every story.

Adrian- But the Food was a nice story, but I don’t believe the horror and terror built up as much as it could have. Just my opinion. There was a sense of urgency throughout that made me feel little creepy, but I think you could have made a good story great by building the creepiness a little. The ending was a little abrupt. A good tale.

Mossy Toes- To Comprehend was an interesting story, more philosophical and thoughtful than the others. It would give someone unfamiliar with 40K and Exterminatus a good feeling of what it is about.

Jonileth- Hidden Doom had some choppy phrasing. The paragrah towards the end where you write “before pulling the trigger mechanism” then you write “Before the Inquisitor could even depress the trigger”. Little things. I was little put off by an Astartes being a little too comfortable in with an eldar, Suffer Not the Alien to Live and all that.

Demonlord24- Pride wasn’t really in the theme IMO. A decent short and a good entry for a another theme, though. I thought the guardsman talked a little too much. He seemed to be a ranger-esque fellow who, to me, would have been a strong silent type who acted much and spoke little.

Andygorn- E’en in the broken… A bit disjointed. It was hard to follow at times. I did like the twist at the end.

Gothik- The Gods Know Best is a bit too much narrative. It is interesting, but seemed like an intro rather than a complete tale.

Adrian Pt 2- I really liked this even though I didn’t think it was totally with the theme. I loved the ending and the desperation that just oozes out.

Davidicus 40K- As You command. I liked this story overall, but there were a couple nitpicks. You state that Savannus is from a long line of Inquisitors, but then write he is embarrassed to have a child. IMO Inquisitors are never embarrassed, and he needed that boy to continue the line. This seems a bit disjointed. Also Is a bridge serf triumphant? Strange word choice. Overall it is a good tale of transformation from soft and weak to hard and knowing.

Dicrel Seijin- Only War I really liked this story, but I am true believer in the might of the Imperium and the return of the Emperor! It is a strange annihilation, though.

Zinegata- Victory or Death This story really gives a sense of the futility and darkness of the 40K galaxy. I felt the Marine’s pain at leaving good men behind. Exterminatus seems extreme for a little fungal itch, though.

Kaiden- Shadow of the Hydra A cool story of desperation and Doom with a novel twist. I liked it a lot.

Brother Emund- Annihilation You had some strange word choices like “sleek weaponry”. It described the look of the weapon without telling me how devastating it was which was what mattered. Also, if the Marine could have killed the eldar, why didn’t he? Again, Suffer not the Alien to Live.

Black Guard- A Burden to Bear A good narrative but long at the beginning and abrupt at the end.

Serpion5- To Face Such a Beast I liked the different take on the Necrons. Almost feeling anything was a cool idea. Only one thing was annihilated in the story, though, and the ending left me wondering who came out on top in the battle.

Dave T Hobbit – Clear Skies This story had such a crazy twist I had to pick it. I liked the idea and the deep sadness that fills your story. At the end when the admiral talks to Mr. Derns I was a bit confused as to what was going on there. The very last paragraph where you write “however with the annihilation of so many ships even if this Imperium did not see Kriuper vastly outmatched them they would not have the resources to attack again.” Makes me wonder if you have another tale waiting to be written!


And my picks. It was really hard to pick just three…

1st Place: Adrian- Eyes of the Dead 3pts
2nd Place: Kaiden- Shadow of the Hydra 2pts
3rd Place: Dave T Hobbit- Clear Skies 1pt


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## Zinegata (Jan 25, 2012)

Adrian said:


> You have a right to be displeased. Sorry about that. I write down my entries upon a piece of paper and with my Dyslexia sometimes see what I wrote down badly.
> 
> I do like your breakdown of the stories. Great job.


Hah, its okay. I'm used to people liking my stories but not getting the vote. It's all about practicing for me .

Kjell->

Yeah, one thing I really wanted to cram in somehow was the fact that the Ork horde was utterly huge (to justify Exterminatus), and had swept away most of the army. Felix and the Guardsmen were in fact just tiny pockets of resistance and they were now dealing with smaller mobs following in the wake of the initial tidal wave. But cramming the initial fight, the second fight, and then the conversation at the end put me at the word limit, so I had to content myself with just mentioning this in Felix's moment of disquiet *sob*.


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## Dave T Hobbit (Dec 3, 2009)

KjellThorngaard said:


> Dave T Hobbit – Clear Skies... At the end when the admiral talks to Mr. Derns I was a bit confused as to what was going on there.


My intent was that the Admiral had been raised in a culture that used reasonable force but did not see a way to win without destroying the Imperial fleet, so he reminded his 2IC that he did not have to follow an illegal order.



KjellThorngaard said:


> The very last paragraph where you write “however with the annihilation of so many ships even if this Imperium did not see Kriuper vastly outmatched them they would not have the resources to attack again.” Makes me wonder if you have another tale waiting to be written!


I do not have anything planned. I just felt his racking moral dilemma being actually futile (the Imperium has many ships and does not acknowledge anyone is superior) was suitably grimdark.


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## andygorn (Apr 1, 2011)

Really many thanks all for such good reads.
My hat is off to yourselves, because these keep getting better and more intriguing.

Having re-read what I typed, I think the story I posted was 2 different styles of the theme:
1) The captive lost everything, with nothing to fall back on. Obliteration of his status, friends, family, troops, locked away somewhere in an inescapable trap. Then he finally has to let go of his most intimate of pleasures...his narcissism...to actually try to help someone else do their work.
2) The end of the forge world where they're being held.

I hope you don't think it's self-indulgent, but have been trying to analyse the story I posted and I think there was too much of part 1 and not enough of part 2.
I didn't see it as disjointed, though, so would welcome suggestions & advice, because I'm trying to write better stories for your enjoyment and improve all the time.


***********************
Anyway, on with the feedback:

Adrian – (but the food)
I got a good sense of doom and this was well written, but not so much 'annihilation'.

Mossy toes (to comprehend it matters not)
Really sums up the theme, I think, very descriptive and made me think about all the different kinds of lives lost.

Jonileth (hidden doom)
Good concept, struck me as could have been more descriptive (e.g. tomes telling about the weapon, cryptic hints at what it could do, maybe a bit of desperation about the situation eg “we don’t know what this thing does, but let’s give it a try otherwise we’re dead”-scenario), but I guess word limits prevented this(?).

Demonlord24 (pride)
This was well written in places, a bit confusing when it go to the conversation. I didn’t get the impression that someone as lowly as a guardsman could take out banshees...could have done with more about (eg) his feelings about feeling the air, hearing the footsteps, etc, maybe feeling the ancestors lending his strength...also about the background of why he’s there. Enjoyable read, but for me this didn’t capture the feeling of the theme.

Gothik (the gods know best)
Very good style. But I didn’t get the concept of annihilation coming very strongly here. However, if this was (say) one of two or three parts, I have no doubt that you would get this across very well. 

Adrian (the eyes of the dead)
I felt this was more like the theme than “but the food”, as it was more descriptive of not only the damage to the worlds, but the decaying of the character’s senses and willpower.

Davidicus 40k (as you command)
Not sure the theme was strong enough in this. Well written though.

Dicrel seijin (only war)
Really interesting take on things...annihilation of what humans once were, transformed into something else.

Zinegata (victory or death)
An enjoyable tale and good description, but I’m not sure it was ‘annihilation’-enough for me.

Kaiden (shadow of the hydra)
I liked this, a vision of annihilation, but a hope for the future -even if it might not exist- or be a very narrow path to salvation with oblivion on all other sides.

Brother edmund (annihilation)
I liked the battle description, not convinced it hit the theme as well as some others though.

BlackGuard (a burden to bear)
The theme was a bit quick, but I wanted to hear more about Inquisitor Mikel...will he have more mishaps, or will he learn from his mistakes?

Kjell Thorngaard (Doom of many, doom of one)
Really descriptive and thought-provoking...wow!

Serpion 5 (to face such a beast)
I liked the idea of Necrons feeling and loss, but I didn’t get an impression of the theme, though.

Dave T Hobbit (clear skies)
Interesting battle scene, but I’m not sure it’s the theme.

1st = Kjell Thorngaard (Doom of many, doom of one)
2nd = Mossy toes (to comprehend it matters not)
3rd = Dicrel seijin (only war)

I'm definitely looking forwards to the following HOES. Who knows, can I dare to dream that I could reach the lofty heights of something other than "null points" next time? (lol).


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## KjellThorngaard (Oct 4, 2010)

@Zinegata 

Ok, I get what you were trying to do. I don't think it was clear enough. Stupid word limit screwing with our stories! 

@ Dave T,



> My intent was that the Admiral had been raised in a culture that used reasonable force but did not see a way to win without destroying the Imperial fleet, so he reminded his 2IC that he did not have to follow an illegal order.


Ah, I get it now. A bit vague before, but I often need help!



> I do not have anything planned. I just felt his racking moral dilemma being actually futile (the Imperium has many ships and does not acknowledge anyone is superior) was suitably grimdark.


That is what I really liked about that line. The utter fultility and hopelessness that culture is facing is a hint of annihilation to come. Very GrimDark.

@andygorn

Your clarification makes sense. Maybe that is why I felt something was a bit off. No one thinks you were being self anything. We are all trying to entertain one another, get feedback on our work and become better writers. Self-analysing can only help!


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## VulkansNodosaurus (Dec 3, 2010)

It's been a couple of months since I've participated in this. In that time, it feels the number of stories has exploded- there are quite a few stories (most notably The Eyes of the Dead and Doom of Many, Doom of One) that would have made my top 3 in a smaller month. In any case, I'll do my best to return next month.

And votes:

3rd place: Mossy Toes, To Comprehend (It Matters Not), 1 pt- It feels wrong giving anything by Mossy Toes anything but 1st, and the story was excellently written and all; but frankly, the basic topic was tragic, but not interesting enough. That is, it was an entrancing read, but rubbing in the monstrosity of an Exterminatus isn't enough for a 1st place out of 16, IMHO. But the atmosphere, detail etc. was mindblowing.

2nd place: Davidicus 40k, As You Command, 2 pts- Some of the odd details (what's the whole thing about a line of Inquisitors?) seemed off, but the story fit perfectly into the word count and traced a very nice arc. Well-written, too, creating a rather "agile" feel for the story.

1st place: Dicrel Seijin, Only War, 3 pts- YES. That is all.


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## Mossy Toes (Jun 8, 2009)

VulkansNodosaurus said:


> It feels wrong giving anything by Mossy Toes anything but 1st


_trustyourfeelings_


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## Zinegata (Jan 25, 2012)

If you don't mind me saying, Mossy, but I think the choice of an "active" narrator was probably not the best one, because the narrator really did come off just "rubbing it in" as Vulkans noted.


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## Mossy Toes (Jun 8, 2009)

I don't mind it at all. By and large I agree with you--but I still like to play with toys outside the regular box. That's part of what fanfic represents to me: stories in which I can experiment and generate my own authorial voice.

Doing well in competitions is nice for the ego, but by no means an essential, or even very important, part of bettering my skills.


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## Dave T Hobbit (Dec 3, 2009)

I use HOES in the same way. The length is short enough that you do not get bored or discouraged if the experiment turns out to be too far from your current style to gain traction but has no space for waffling so you cannot hide by adding sections from your current repertoire.

I had never written a space battle story before so I decided this month would be a space battle before I came up with a plot (ironically the actual descriptions of battle were the parts that I edited down most to meet the word limit).


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## BlackGuard (Sep 10, 2010)

My picks are:

Adrian, The Eyes of the Dead
Kaiden, Shadow of the Hydra
Gothik, The Gods Know Best


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## Serpion5 (Mar 19, 2010)

BlackGuard said:


> My picks are:
> 
> Adrian, The Eyes of the Dead
> Kaiden, Shadow of the Hydra
> Gothik, The Gods Know Best


You need to post them in order with the points next to them as described in the first post mate.


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## Kaiden (Apr 1, 2010)

Some fantastic stories this month, here are my favourites.

1st - Adrian - The Eyes of the Dead - 3 Points 
2nd -Mossy Toes - "To Comprehend (It Matters Not)" - 2 Points
3rd - KjellThorngaard - "Doom of Many, Doom of One" - 1 Point

Here's what I liked about each of the winners.

"The eyes of the Dead" - Very well written and evocative piece, I really felt the sense of tension and fear of the protagonist.

"To comprehend" - In my opinion, this more than any other piece, nailed the subject matter. Oblivion on a planetary scale.

"Doom of Many, Doom of One" - I have a real soft spot for the old Nids, and this story explored a new and quite frankly terrifying concept.

My Honourable mention is "As You Command" - I had genuine empathy for the character of Caius, wanting to believe in good, but learning how cruel the galaxy is first hand. Brutal yet brilliant.


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## Serpion5 (Mar 19, 2010)

1st: Mossy Toes, To Comprehend (It matters not) - 3pts.

2nd: KjellThorngaard, Doom of Many, Doom of One - 2 pts.

3rd: Dicrel Seijin, Only War - 1pt.


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## BlackGuard (Sep 10, 2010)

BlackGuard said:


> My picks are:
> 
> Adrian, The Eyes of the Dead -- 3pts
> Kaiden, Shadow of the Hydra -- 2pts
> Gothik, The Gods Know Best -- 1pt


Fail edit ... but there it is. Just to make it clear.


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## Brother Emund (Apr 17, 2009)

*Votes from Emunds's corner*

First of all, can I say that this months stories were fantastic. It was tight, and I could have given points for most of the stories. Unfortunately, there can only be 3 winners.

But the Food - ADRIAN
Nice story (which neatly linked with your second one). I wanted more. Damn that plague! 

Hidden Doom - Jonelith
Lovely Blood-Fest! Is 'Anti-climatic' a word? :biggrin: Loved the banter between the troops. Very Good

Pride - Demonlors24
It had potential, but then I thought WTF? Aged (God-fearing), Guardsman, takes out 3 Banshee's and a Farseer... nah, that is too Farseer-fetched! 
But hey, who am I?

The Gods Know Best - Gothik
Again, I thought it had potential, but I had to wait until the end for the Annihilation. Punctuation and Grammer errors.

As you Command - Davididcus
Nicely written. Hurrah to the Silver Stallions!

Victory or Death - Zinegota
I really enjoyed this one, but I wanted MORE!!! Hail the Steel Wardens!

A Burden to Bear - Blackguard
The Inquisition dumping on the poor old Guard! I liked the Gholgothians. I think we couls have had a grea night on the town with this lot!

Doom of Many, Doom of One
Very Good indeed and from an interesting perspective. Still concious when rendered down to cell level. You were Tyranid Poo!

To Face such a Beast - Serpion5
Unusual choice - Necrons, Orks and C'tan. I think you like the Nec's, didn't you write about them before. Nice story

OK,
Now the marks

*4th - 'The Eyes of the Dead' - Adrian.* 
I know, you don't get points for 4th but it deserved a mention. Very well written and I did not see the twist coming. Well done

*3rd - Andygorn's Story with the long title!... 1 Point*
Dark Eldar, lots of blood and a nice ending.

*2nd - 'To Comprehend' by Mossy Toes... 2 Pts*
Very Good. Annihilation-personified! Really loved this... well done. One thing though... What have those poor prostitutes ever done to you!!!

*1st - 'Only War' by Dicrel Seijin... 3 Pts*
Awesome! Very, very good. As it was very unusual, I loved it. Well desereved 1st. :yahoo:


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## Mossy Toes (Jun 8, 2009)

Brother Emund said:


> One thing though... What have those poor prostitutes ever done to you!!!


We don't talk about the Incident.

Thanks for the vote.

Oh man, this is going to be close. I know Kaiden was winning, but now I'm really uncertain as to the scores. Wow, this is tense.


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## gothik (May 29, 2010)

begininjg to wish i had pulled mine, reading back its not all that great damn...still i think it might be Kaiden just


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*Hi*



Mossy Toes said:


> We don't talk about the Incident.
> 
> Thanks for the vote.
> 
> Oh man, this is going to be close. I know Kaiden was winning, but now I'm really uncertain as to the scores. Wow, this is tense.


So far Kaiden and I have 16 points a piece if I counted right, and yooooou have more than us. 

I would be very thankful if two or three more people voted for me if not for any other reason then I want to beat Mossy Toes. :biggrin:


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## Zinegata (Jan 25, 2012)

Brother Emund said:


> Victory or Death - Zinegota
> I really enjoyed this one, but I wanted MORE!!! Hail the Steel Wardens!


I dunno if people have noticed, but all three of my entries so far are on the Wardens, and two are on the Pontius team. I'm almost tempted to make this a habit and then compile them together into a short novel ala _Iron Snakes_


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## Serpion5 (Mar 19, 2010)

Brother E, I've always written about the necs.


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## Dicrel Seijin (Apr 2, 2011)

First off, I’d like to thank everyone for the commentary and feedback, and the votes. I especially want to thank those that voted for my story. (I never expected the votes—I was hoping for a vote, that my story got a number of them was… I dunno, it’s a new feeling. The words will come at some point).

And for some of the comments, I felt a response was in order. (Yeah, I can’t figure out the multi-quote function….)

@Mossy Toes: Thanks. I’ll have to look up LordLucan's 50k stuff. 

@Zinegata: I had not considered my story as an introduction, though now that you mention it…. On second thought, it might devolve into bolt—er, psyker porn…. I’m now trying to decide if that’s a bad thing or not.

@Davidicus 40K: I went with the “be careful of what you wish for, you might get it” scenario. And I figured that the Emperor now having the power would bring about the evolution he had foreseen. 


Voting this time was especially hard. It took a couple of reading sessions just to winnow it down. And even after choosing the top five, it took a few re-reads before my top three.

1st place: Kaiden, "Shadow of the Hydra," 3 pts
2nd place: Serpion5, "To Face Such a Beast," 2 pts
3rd place: Brother Emund, "Annihilation," 1 pt


The way things are going, I can’t wait to see what everyone has for next month.


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## Davidicus 40k (Jun 4, 2010)

Thanks for the feedback/votes, everyone! I knew this month wasn't my best plot idea, but I'm glad I still got some honorable mentions .



KjellThorngaard said:


> Davidicus 40K- As You command. I liked this story overall, but there were a couple nitpicks. You state that Savannus is from a long line of Inquisitors, but then write he is embarrassed to have a child. IMO Inquisitors are never embarrassed, and he needed that boy to continue the line. This seems a bit disjointed. Also Is a bridge serf triumphant? Strange word choice. Overall it is a good tale of transformation from soft and weak to hard and knowing.


Aye, some things didn't make sense because they were logical in my head, but the way I wrote the story left some things unclear. Basically, I wanted to portray the Savannus line as a very old, stereotypical noble family - which is why copulating with a woman in his retinue, rather than another woman of more noble birth, is something Titus is not exactly proud of. However, I kind of contradict myself by saying that he's determined to raise the child, implying that he is an inquisitor, and their risk of death is very high; he may not have another chance to continue the line. I should've cut that bit out, but I wanted to provide some justification for Titus trying to raise and train Caius, even though the latter proved to be quite weak-willed.

"Triumphant" bridge serfs may sound odd, but I figure they must have _some_ emotions! Who _doesn't_ like launching cyclonic torpedoes at a visibly tainted world, after all? Well, worshipers of Chaos, I suppose, but they had no bearing on the decision .



andygorn said:


> Davidicus 40k (as you command)
> Not sure the theme was strong enough in this. Well written though.


See above - I think I had too much exposition and not enough of the theme. That's what I get for trying to portray annihilation as a good thing, at least on an individual level and in the case of inquisitors. I should've whipped up some nice bolter porn! That's what I need to practice, anyways.

Can't wait to see next month's theme!


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## Mossy Toes (Jun 8, 2009)

Dicrel: you can find it here. Be forewarned, it's quite massive. LL has gone on from there to write a 60k story set in the same alternate universe, which is scattered in bits and pieces around the internet, and has spawned a few fanfics from other folks.


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## Dicrel Seijin (Apr 2, 2011)

Mossy Toes said:


> Dicrel: you can find it here. Be forewarned, it's quite massive. LL has gone on from there to write a 60k story set in the same alternate universe, which is scattered in bits and pieces around the internet, and has spawned a few fanfics from other folks.


Thanks much. I know I was forgetting to do something when I logged in. 

I see what you mean by massive though. I read through the intro and then, yeah, I'll be coming back to read the rest of it.


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## Mossy Toes (Jun 8, 2009)

I think you'll find that Section 14: The Star Father Incarnate is the most applicable section to your short story.


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## KjellThorngaard (Oct 4, 2010)

Davidicus-



> Aye, some things didn't make sense because they were logical in my head, but the way I wrote the story left some things unclear. "


Don't we all have a moment where we believe something is perfectly clear, only to realize it was clear only to us? :laugh: Your explanation IS perfectly clear. Shame on Titus for not knocking up a noble woman and keeping the genetic diseases going!



> Triumphant" bridge serfs may sound odd, but I figure they must have some emotions! Who doesn't like launching cyclonic torpedoes at a visibly tainted world, after all?


I, for one, would definately take that opportunity! Sure serfs do have feelings, I just thought triumphant was a strange choice. My opinion, though, you have been at this longer than me.

I have only been looking at this section of Heresy fopr a short time, but I have really enjyed the stories you guys keep pumping out.

KT


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*Hi*

Davidicus noted that not many people liked his story. I cannot speak for others, but I really liked his story. I enjoyed every story here. The stories and writing has been getting better and better each go around. 

My votes are simple; which ones did I enjoy the most personally. How was the grammar, the spelling and the structure of the stories? Did they evoke emotion: laughter, tears, anger or love or hate or awe when I read them. Did they creep me out or scare me? did they bring me to a place where I wanted more not less?

I hunger to be a great writer and have taken every criticism personally as a challenge. I see the c&c that other people give to other writers and learn from it. When Boc critiqued my work I did not get mad, but took his advice and went through "But the food" with the best changes possible for that particular story because that is how I learn. 

These competitions drive me to get better and excel in my labor. I want to win because that feeling is great and not easily achieved especially when the stories are so good and the minds so fluid and detailed.

Don't think of not getting the vote as if we did not like the stories because for the most part that is not true and is a false representation of each of our skills.

Gothic is great at the historical and character development, but week in the grammar and punctuation.

Andy is great at setting up scenes and the horror of the relationship gone bad, but is week in the development of the stories themselves.

I am week at character development, punctuation and conversation but strong in horror, gore and evoking emotion and destruction. We all are learning and on our way to greater things; hopefully getting published and beginning careers that don't continue to erode our bodies and confidence.

Keep up the great work and I look forward to seeing where each of us will be in five to ten years. 

Sincerely, Adrian Redburn Word Warrior to the end.


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## Liliedhe (Apr 29, 2012)

Hi everyone, 

Mossy Toes mentioned this one over at the Bolthole, so I decided to check it out. Looks like I missed this month's competition, but at least I can still vote. Next month, I hope to participate, too, muses willing . 

And my votes: 

1) Mossy Toes - To Comprehend (It matters not), 3 pts
2) Serpion5 - To Face such a Beast, 2 pts
3) Kaiden - Shadow of the Hydra, 1 pt

@Mossy: I was wondering who the narrator in the story was, first I though an Inquisitor, who tried to impress on his acolytes the impact of this decision, but the end made me tend more in to the direction of an Eldar...


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## Mossy Toes (Jun 8, 2009)

Technically, I suppose it was an omniscient narrator who directly addressed the reader. The human-centric focus makes it unlikely, in my eyes, to be an eldar--if any in-universe character thing, I would see it to be an open-minded Inquisitor lecturing a pupil or a young schola class on the magnitude of Exterminatus.

Thanks for voting for me, Liliedhe--but far more, thanks for wandering this way to Heresy Online at all!


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## Dicrel Seijin (Apr 2, 2011)

@Liliedhe: Welcome to the forums. More competition is always a good thing. Looking forward to reading stories from you in the future.


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## KjellThorngaard (Oct 4, 2010)

+1 to what Adrian said. All I want to do is get better at this writing thing and maybe entertain a few Heretics at the same time.


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## Bloody Mary (Nov 6, 2009)

I thought I'd check what was going on here.  And since I checked, I thought I might as well vote. 

1) Mossy Toes - To Comprehend (It matters not), 3 pts
2) Serpion5 - To Face such a Beast, 2 pts
3) Kaiden - Shadow of the Hydra, 1 pt


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## gothik (May 29, 2010)

Adrian is correct, but i think as my Grammer checker is english and not always right it does look a little bad...hmmmm thanks Adrian for letting me know so i can be more careful


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## andygorn (Apr 1, 2011)

Many thanks to everyone who joined in and voted...feedback is a really valuable thing, especially when it comes from fellow readers, fans and writers/transcribers such as yourselves.

Thanks all for the feedback and comments.

Each time, I'm trying to get a clearer view of what the visions are showing me (also reading dictionary + thesaurus to improve my language) to try to work on stuff that Adrian and others have said...perhaps improving in some ways(?), but I really hope that I'm at least not 'going backwards' with these.

I think most of the HOES entries I've read -whether they got top 3 or not- would definitely have been worth me paying my hard-earned £ for...as opposed to some of the 'official' BL books I've bought in the meantime. <pained glance at the Soul Drinkers Omnibus>

I don't know about anyone else, but I thought "annihilation" was a bit narrow.
How about something more open-ended like "treachery", "promotion", "after the fall", or "delusion"? Just putting ideas out there.

Bring on the next one, though, I can't wait to see what people come up with.
Your stories are a constant source of inspiration to me and make me keep wanting to 'up my game' as well, which IMHO is no bad thing.


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## Mossy Toes (Jun 8, 2009)

Annihilation as a theme is basically "destruction" or "slaughter"--it's enormously open ended, especially within the Warhammer mythos. Are you talking about the annihilation of the self? Or that which you seek? Or your enemies, or a planet, or a galaxy, or a space ship, or a regiment, or an alien. The annihilation of a single soul, perhaps: the loss of all those memories and experience in the absolute of death. Any story that features death is overshadowed by the looming specter of annihilation. The 40k universe is a universe of absolutes and harsh truths, and there is no harsh truth so absolute as that of annihilation.

So I'm going to disagree, personally. I thought the theme was quite broad enough.

But you are improving, andygorn. It takes a long time, and is an incremental process--but you are improving.

As David Eddings said, "A writer's apprenticeship usually involves writing a million words (which are then discarded) before he's almost ready to begin. That takes a while."


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## andygorn (Apr 1, 2011)

I meant 'narrow' in that, however you slice it, "someone/thing has to be destroyed". I agree that it can happen to anyone/thing in all sorts of nasty ways but -for me- it's still quite a relatively specific definition.
For me, knowing that it ends spoils things for me (although it's interesting finding out how you get to that eventuality)...maybe that's because I can't just sit down and think about [x subject].
But then I guess there will be people who like it to be a more focussed style (which is okay and which I could do with trying to incorporate that into my posts).

Tyvm for the feedback.

I'm not a 'writer' as such but, yes, I know what you mean. <cool>.


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## KjellThorngaard (Oct 4, 2010)

Hey Mossy, thanks for your musings on Annihilation. I had a more narrow view towards it whe nI wrote my short, but you opened my eyes to things I hadn't considered before. I am going to print it out and stick it in my notebook for inspiration. and Annihilation.


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## Mossy Toes (Jun 8, 2009)

Really? Wow, I really thought your entry was the single most original and imaginative interpretation of the theme out of all of them. Still, I'm flattered. Thanks.

...perhaps we should have a brief meditation at the beginning of each month's theme to help people consider different aspects of the theme...


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## Boc (Mar 19, 2010)

Hey all, sorry I didn't get the votes tallied yet, currently out at training stuff (yay army) and was quite busy the entirety of yesterday. I'll tally up the votes tonight, but in the mean time I can at least get May's entry put up.


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## KjellThorngaard (Oct 4, 2010)

> ...perhaps we should have a brief meditation at the beginning of each month's theme to help people consider different aspects of the theme...


That is a great idea. Seeing what the theme brings to mind for the other Heretics will definately get my creative mind going. I would guess it will help everyone else, too.

Oh, and thanks for the compliment. My pansy ego appreciates it.


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## andygorn (Apr 1, 2011)

Mossy Toes said:


> ...perhaps we should have a brief meditation at the beginning of each month's theme to help people consider different aspects of the theme...


I don't meditate about HOES but might be worth a shot, I'll give it a try.

I do wonder if it's worth a poster explaining what their thought processes were with their tales...a bit of insight into where the story is going and/or where they're coming from? Or do people think this would be seen as a situation of: "If you have to explain it, you should have written it better in the first place"?


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## Davidicus 40k (Jun 4, 2010)

andygorn said:


> I do wonder if it's worth a poster explaining what their thought processes were with their tales...a bit of insight into where the story is going and/or where they're coming from? Or do people think this would be seen as a situation of: "If you have to explain it, you should have written it better in the first place"?


I think explanations are warranted if they are requested, yes. Sometimes it's a case of the story being too ambiguous, while other times, the reader just misunderstands and clarification from the author will help that reader enjoy it as it was meant to be enjoyed. HOES is odd in that it's a competition, but the drive to win takes a backseat to the main objective: Helping your competitors improve their writing. I actually wouldn't mind seeing a bit more dialogue, reviews, criticisms, and suggestions between authors while the competition is ongoing; there was a bit of that at the start of April's contest, but as more stories were submitted, it died down until the voting.


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## Boc (Mar 19, 2010)

A close race to be sure, but the results are in!

Congratulations to:

*Third Place:* 15 points
Adrian's _The Eyes of the Dead_

*Second Place:* 21 points
Kaiden's _Shadow of the Hydra_

And the winner...

*First Place:* 27 points
Mossy Toes' _To Comprehend (It Matters Not)_

Congrats to the winners, and thank you all again for making HOES 12-04 one of the most successful yet! Next month's... coming soon...


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## Dicrel Seijin (Apr 2, 2011)

Congratulations to the winners.


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## Mossy Toes (Jun 8, 2009)

Excellent running this month! Stiff competition.

But the King of HOES reigns on...


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*Hi*

Great job Oh KING OF THE COMP> (FOR THE MOMENT). You will be defeated some day... soon. Grrrrr.


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## andygorn (Apr 1, 2011)

Well done not only to the top 3, but to everyone who took part (and also thanks to those who voted).


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## Davidicus 40k (Jun 4, 2010)

Congratulations, Mossy, as well as Kaiden and Adrian! Great competition this month.


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## gothik (May 29, 2010)

congratulations Mossy...but bare in mind, someone will take the crown now there is a wealth of talent on here, Well done Kaiden and Adrian.

to everyone else great stories all round and good luck in the next one


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## Serpion5 (Mar 19, 2010)

Congratulations to all the winners. :good:


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*Hello*

I have never done this but should have long ago; Thanks for the votes and I am glad you all enjoyed the stories. Again, long overdue. Shame on me. :shok:


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## Brother Emund (Apr 17, 2009)

Serpion5 said:


> Brother E, I've always written about the necs.


Obviously I'm not criticising the Nec dear boy.. I just know squat about them. You are however, enlightening me :biggrin:


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## Brother Emund (Apr 17, 2009)

Let's all target Mossy Toes... :laugh: Well done to the winners. Loads to read this month. The quality is very high, and puts my efforts to shame. Back to the drawing board methinks..


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## VulkansNodosaurus (Dec 3, 2010)

Congratulations!


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## Dave T Hobbit (Dec 3, 2009)

Well done everyone


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## KjellThorngaard (Oct 4, 2010)

I just realized I didn't respond to the winner thread. Bad Kjell.

Congrats to Mossy and everyone who garnered a vote or three. and thanks to everyone who voted my my humble entry. See ya in May's challenge!


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