# Small story need critique.



## aboytervigon (Jul 6, 2010)

Right, So I'm starting fantasy and with tomb kings being the army I have chosen I have been reading a lot about them; I got inspired to right a small story and I am not very good at writing so please suffer through it and critique my work...thank you.



Gold……so much gold.

Entrash the thief eyed his stolen treasure gleefully, unable to comprehend the amount of wealth his band had stolen from those old forgotten tombs; even spread equally throughout all 30 of his men Entrash would live like a king. Golbash murmured in a quiet voice.

“ssiiir I don’t know about this, we have stolen from those cursed pyramids” Entrash look distastefully at Golbash the sly.

“If you feel like that, I suppose I could take your share” Said Entrash in a demanding voice. “Nnnno sir I was merely voicing an old superstition” perked Golbash quickly. 

_Thieves…._The word as if carried by the desert wind.

“Did you hear that?” said Golbash in a scared voice.

“No” quickly said Entrash, doubt in his voice.

_Thieves will pay……._

“Ok even I heard that” said Tug the brutish in his usual deadpan voice. Just then the sound of horses galloping across the sand became clear, Entrash looked into the distance and saw thin and lithe figures riding nearly skeletal horses coming across there path.

“Looks like its our lucky day boys, get your weapons ready” said Entrash caught up in the thrill of getting even more wealth. As the bandits got into position a fusillade of arrows launched from the oncoming figures.

“Those arrows are way off course, they will never hit us” said Tug confidence showing in his voice, But; as if to spite him the arrows stopped half way through their course.

“No wa---“ Tug was unable to complete his sentence as the arrows pivoted in the air and lodged themselves in the neck of Tug and many of his bandits.

“Raise your shields! Block those arrows!” Entrash yelled fear prevalent in his voice no matter how hard he tried to hide it. Just before the figures came into clear view, more arrows launched from the…creatures no man could ever shoot like that; and even though his bandits shields were raised, the arrows buried themselves in the backs of his comrades.

Soon Entrash was the only one left, his head hung down in shame as the creatures that had wiped out his men stood right before him. The creatures were skeletal, not natural in any way, animated by some unknown force. Entrash quickly, through trembling hands throw all the gold at the feet of the creatures.

“I’m sorry, Here; here is your gold back!”

The creature moved its jaw, as if it was trying to speak; but the only sound was carried by the desert itself.
_
Thieves will pay, in more than gold…._

Entrash never felt a thing as his heart was wrenched from his chest by the guardians of the tomb.


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*cool story*

The spacing is good, the charecters are good, the gaurdians of the treasure are scary and the story is written very well. My only problem with it is 1. It's not long enough... I kept wanting to read more.

2. I don't like the name Entrash. But that's just me. :goodpost:


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## aboytervigon (Jul 6, 2010)

Thanks very much and Entrash is the first name I thought of.


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## aboytervigon (Jul 6, 2010)

_I’m going to die
_
This is the thought that passed through Joshua’s mind every time the accursed heat made him take a long draw from his ration.

“What are we doing out here looking for a bunch of outlaw’s “said Jim who’s hair was turning white from its constant exposure to the sun and of being of a thin and lithely build he was often mistaken for a inexperienced kid.

“Because, those ruffians stole a fortune from my mother and I want it back” sniffed Reginald in his most pompous voice, unlike Joshua or Jim; Reginald was tall and thin, you could mistake him for a long pole stuck in the ground if looked at from a distance and he had the aura about him that before this trek; he had never lifted a finger, which of course was true.

“Well Reggie, these men are wanted for the murder of about 30 different people and the only reason you’re here is because you bribed the sergeant” barked Jim.

“It’s Reginald and your sergeant merely saw my skills as a-“ 

“Bank” quirked Jim before Reginald could finish. Reginald was positively fuming, that or the sunburn was making his face red. 

“Calm down, you will do yourself a mischief” joked Joshua. Reginald was obviously to confounded to react, no one had ever spoken to him like this in his life; but just as the words had left Joshua’s dry lips a shiny object caught his eye, Joshua quickly stooped down to examine it.

“Gold” Joshua said

“Gold?” Questioned the Sergeant who was well known to have Dwarven ancestry, Joshua had never seen the short fat bald man move so fast as he sprinted to where Joshua was standing.

” I will have to examine it in my own spare time” Gasped the Sergeant,” to see to who it; err, belongs.”

_Thieves will pay, in more than gold…._

“Did you hear that?” questioned Jim.

“Hear what?” said the Sergeant, who was too caught up in his fantasy’s of what one gold coin could buy him, Joshua felt like something was off; They were in the desert, at midday and Joshua was….Cold, like all the warmth had left the area around them.

“This isn’t right” Said Joshua “it’s gone cold and we’re in the middle of the desert!” The Sergeant whose eyes were misty with the excitement of buying something said.

“I’m sure you’re just imagining the gold, I mean gold; I mean cold!” Just then a spear erupted from the ground and struck home right through the Sergeants heart and just behind it was a thing that should not be moving, a bone white skeleton; with a rotting and sand worn heart still beating within its ribcage. 

“What do you want?” Yelled Reginald fearfully, The creature gestured towards its empty eye sockets and a ghostly sound was heard on the wind, _Thieves will pay; with more than gold.…_

“Like hell you will” yelled Joshua as he charged forward and smashed the butt of his sword into the skeletons skull, it crumbled to dust; the creature staggered backwards but it stood regardless, not knowing it should of fallen to the ground. The creature seemingly not impaired by the loss of its skull took out a sword from a rusty scabbard and decapitated the corpse of the Sergeant, placing his head upon its barren neck. The creature satisfied with its new head began to sink into the sand but stopped and craned its neck as if it smelt more prey, thief….The voice on the wind said. 

“My men haven’t stolen anything!” Yelled Jim, yes…the voice on the wind agreed; the creature stumbled oh, relentlessly striding forward. 

“But, you agreed my men haven’t done anything” said Joshua,_ Yes….but there is a Debt to be paid the voice on the wind whispered._

“Oh” perked Reginald who had been skulking in the background.

“Reginald? A thief, you have to be joking; he hasn’t lifted a finger his whole life” Yelled Jim

“And why would he need to his family is rich!” continued Joshua, _the debt of a thief continues in blood whispered the voice on the wind_
.
“Reginald, where did your family’s riches come from?” Questioned Jim

“My dad found lots of treasure in a pyramid….” Whispered Reginald, by this time the creature was standing in front of Reginald and was gesturing towards his lungs; the creature arched up his and sword and got ready to end Reginald’s life, but before it could hit Jim jumped in the way and intercepted the blade, saving Reginald’s life but there was the sickening sound as Jim’s legs hit the ground and then his torso a few seconds later landing a few yards away. 

The creature greedily eyed up Jim’s still life filed body, the creature then stooped and blade in hand opened Jim’s chest and plucked his still breathing lungs from his body, the lungs connected to the creatures throat like some hideous jigsaw and clasped around the rotting heart; the lungs of the creature inflated and deflated, as if testing them; unsure if it knew how to control them.
TO BE CONTINUED


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