# Thunder Amongst Angels preview 1



## Sangus Bane (Jun 17, 2009)

Hey guys,

My friend Marcus Vine and I are busy writing a story about our own SM chapters. (Mine is Space Angels, his is Thunder Hawks) We are still working on it so we would like to hear some constructive comments, tell us what you like and dislike.

Marcus will post his preview beneath mine. Oh, before I forget: please correct our grammar, etc. if you find anything that we did wrong. THX!!!:grin:

We are now on page 7 and a Space Angel squad is in search of the planetary goverment. We don't want to spoil anything so that's all I'm telling to you. Oh and Sgt. Derian is the main charater in my part.

Enjoy:

When they arrived at the palace they could see signs of a firefight. More spent ammo cases, but now they could also see damage to the area itself. Bloodstains on the wall indicated the executions of civilians, scorched bones indicated flamers were used. However one thing was not clear… Spikes were sticking out of the walls. It was not clear how they got there or why they were there. They had the length of an open hand. They quickly came to the conclusion it was not important. Investigating was no longer their purpose. It had became extermination… And so they breached the palace. They kicked in the doors and climbed in through the windows. Soon the squads were in position on the first floor. Inside the palace, unlike the rest of the city, they could see dead bodies everywhere. The walls were covered in blood and the floor was covered with flesh and bones. A true massacre. As they began walking through the long and dark hallways they could hear the bones crack beneath their boots. They could hear flesh being torn from the bodies every time they lifted their feet. But no sign of the ones who were responsible. 

“I like what they did to the interior, very cozy. ” “Shut up Gabriel… These were imperial citizens. They did not need to die.” Dorian said. Sellivan looked back to the two and gave them a rather annoyed look. “Why do you girls always fight?” It was clear he meant Gabriel and Dorian. “Who do you call a girl here? I wasted twice as many enemies as you did yesterday.” “True Gabriel, but don’t forget I wasted just as much as all of you did together…” Derian added. On which Gabriel had to make one last remark. “That’s a lie. You cut everything to bits. Not noticing I already shot them.” They all laughed. But then a figure ran from one side of the hall to the other just a couple of meters in front of them. “What was that? Derian, did you see that?”, “Yeah, I’ll contact the captain. Captain Santiago? Do you read me? Captain?” No response. “Where did that thing go? Was it human?” “Be quiet Nilus!” They were all in high alert. Aiming for the door the figure ran through. ‘If it moves, kill it.’ That were their orders. And so would they do it. “Remember what the captain said.” They stood there for half a minute. “I don’t think it is coming back…” And exactly on that moment the figure showed itself again. The Heavy Bolters made their power clear once more by shooting down the figure with immense noise and accuracy. “I think we got it…”, “Dorian, check if it’s dead.” Dorian walked over to the disemboweled body on the ground. “It’s dead for sure.”, “How do you know?” Ellius asked. Dorian picked up the single armed figure to show them. “Because it is missing some pieces…”


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## Marcus Vine (Jun 17, 2009)

Here is my part(it's a combination of the intro and a chapter):

Some outcomes require ingenious plotting and thinking. Other outcomes just require simple events. But there are outcomes that lie between those two. Ingenious thinking is required but on the other hand you just need the simplest and yet one of the most important things: time. Those outcomes are far from being predictable. And certainly not the ones that usually end how you want it…..

They ran towards the other tower, and stood still. The enemy had blown up all the entrances. The bridge that formed the main point of entrance was no more. All the other paths were gone too. Teron glanced in the direction of Cyron: 'What is wrong with those people. It's like they don't want to survive. It's like the only thing they care about is us not taking those towers.' Haiden nodded: 'it seems so indeed, brother. What ever is up there, they don't want us to know about.' He looked around and saw Aesion standing with his missile launcher. ´Aesion, try to hit that tower with a krak missile would you? Try? That's almost an insult', Aesion replied and he sank to a knee. After a couple of seconds suddenly the tower started to collapse. Several men tried to escape the tower but they were caught in the resulting explosion when the tower's ammunition piles exploded. Aesion nodded towards Cyron Haiden and asked: 'what do we do next, sir? Captain Angelos responded: _You look to the sky, brother'._


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## Myen'Tal (Sep 4, 2009)

Well, the only problem I see with this so far is the diaologue, everytime someone else speaks, you should begin a new paragraph, it's alot easier on the eyes and helps point out who's speaking. 

But that aside, a good start for both of you, interesting introduction, and I'm already liking the characters. I'll definately be keeping tabs of this:biggrin:, hope to see more soon.

REP:good:


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## waltzmelancholy_07 (Sep 30, 2008)

Uhm... I'll be frank with the both of you... Do forgive me if I'll go overboard but I assure you, it's all constructive criticisms...

What's the whole point of posting the parts separately and the other thing where you posted your parts in each others' threads?...

You could have just made one thread and let the other post after you...

In regards to the story, I have no idea where the story is set nor can I perceive where the characters are running to and from, standing, firing, etc. It lacks the needed detail that will, as if, put your readers inside the story... 

For example: 
I had a hard time imagining where the characters were in this paragraph...



> When they arrived at the palace they could see signs of a firefight. More spent ammo cases, but now they could also see damage to the area itself. Bloodstains on the wall indicated the executions of civilians, scorched bones indicated flamers were used. However one thing was not clear… Spikes were sticking out of the walls. It was not clear how they got there or why they were there. They had the length of an open hand. They quickly came to the conclusion it was not important. Investigating was no longer their purpose. It had became extermination… And so they breached the palace. They kicked in the doors and climbed in through the windows. Soon the squads were in position on the first floor. Inside the palace, unlike the rest of the city, they could see dead bodies everywhere. The walls were covered in blood and the floor was covered with flesh and bones. A true massacre. As they began walking through the long and dark hallways they could hear the bones crack beneath their boots. They could hear flesh being torn from the bodies every time they lifted their feet. But no sign of the ones who were responsible.


The dialogue's too, it needs improvement.... Are Dorian and Angelos, Astartes? Because I couldn't tell if they were IG or SM because of the way they talked.

And as much as possible, separate the dialogues from the main paragraphs.


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## Sangus Bane (Jun 17, 2009)

waltzmelancholy_07 said:


> Uhm... I'll be frank with the both of you... Do forgive me if I'll go overboard but I assure you, it's all constructive criticisms...
> 
> What's the whole point of posting the parts separately and the other thing where you posted your parts in each others' threads?...
> 
> ...


I do agree with you on the part of the 2 threads, that was Marcus' idea... :victory:

About the part of th location. You must Understand that this is page 7, te first 5 pages are telling who, what and of course where...

We are trying to spoil as less as possible considring the complete story would be lame if you know everything happening in it... It has a rather mysterious plot and so we want to spoil as less a possible.

But here, specially for you: It is on the planet Irithium IV near the Ultramar borber on the Eastern Fringe. The planet has lost contact with the Imperium and The Space Angels are going in to investegate.


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## DAvo001 (Jun 30, 2008)

for me it was hurried into. all i could figure out was they were in a palace. also i agree with waltz. i could not say for cetain who the characters were. but i would guess SM because of the 'brother' reference and weapons but they sounded quite IM in the way they spoke. marines would be more solom and would not compare their kill counts. 
sorry if this seems alot of negative stuff. the misterious stuff is good but you need more to get the reader hooked.


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## Sangus Bane (Jun 17, 2009)

Okay... for the last time: THE DIALOGUE IS BEING WORKED ON AS I TYPE THIS!!!!! 

Please no more comments on that...


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