# Hello there. Mind helping me out?



## Simeon Caster (Jun 29, 2011)

Hey there. This was the first warhammer 40k forum i came across so i decided to sign up and ask for your help. Lets get this out the way. I've never played Warhammer in any form but i've fallen in love with the universe as im sure you can understand. As such i decided to direct my writing in the warhammer 40k direction. It's a very fast paced story and don't worry its not about "Space marines vs the impossible". I want to bring up the inner politics of the imperium and its inquisition then infuse it with quick, hard, visceral dialog and action. Tell me if you hate it or tell me if you like it. Heres the first half of the first chapter(rough). If you read this far i thank you. If you read it all i thank you more.




Chapter I (first half)

In this particular dark corner of the Imperium of Man surprises were seldom. The great crusades being forged against the infectious archenemy and the xenos scum of the outer sectors were fought millions of stars away. In this particular dark corner the Imperium of Man few ventured. None un-announced and none without cause. In this particular dark corner of the Imperium of Man was part of the God-Emperor himself. This corner of the Imperium held within it the embodiment of the God-Emperors un-dying vigilance, his wrath and his fury, his most dangerous and deadly servants. Here laid the Ordos Xenos of the Imperial Inquisition.

The disturbance in the warp currents was so minute that the astropath placed it to the back of her mind and went back to absorbing and savouring the warm, comforting feel of the God-Emperors guiding light; the Astronomicon, the great telepathic embodiment of the Emperors will that cast a glorious beacon through the chaotic alternate plain of space known as the warp. The astropath had been there in that particular dark corner of space for thirty years and in those thirty years the exciting or un-expected had never happened. The astropath could not fathom why someone of such skill, beauty, and intelligence was being wasted in such a dreary place. She was once the Astropath onboard the ship of a flotilla master until it and its entire group was ambushed and nearly destroyed while in warp transit. Could this be why she was stationed here? No. The old fool had it coming if he couldn’t take care of a few heretical ruffians he had no right to command. With her mind settled she went back to basking in the Emperors psychic glory until again that minute disturbance in the warp currents reared its annoying little head. 

The smuggler had been smuggler since he was a boy but he preferred to call himself a sailor. By his way of thinking smugglers and sailors were much alike. It all depended on who was watching, what you’re shipping, and who for. Regardless. The smuggler had grown up on a boat sailing oceans so as far as he was concerned he was a sailor, a very devious and cunning sailor but a sailor all the same. The ancient oceans that the sailor grew up on were some of the roughest and unpredictable on his home world maybe even in the entire sector. He was extremely proud of that notion and believed it was the reason why he was able to navigate the warp in a way few even knew was possible let alone mastered. The sailor cared not if he surprised them. In fact he was counting on it. One did not get this close if they knew you were coming. The sailor was proud he had made it this far without being detected. He considered himself one of the best at what he did and this proved it. But in truth part of him was disappointed. What he was doing was lauded as impossible, something that simply couldn’t be achieved without consent or an entire crusade of imperial battleships leading the way but here he was doing his job: Making the impossible entirely plausible. 

The watch commander had been on duty for thirty minutes and in those thirty minutes that stuck up bitch of an astropath came complaining to him about some warp disturbance that turned out to be a couple minute shifts in the warp currents. How she decided it was important was beyond him. No ship made a disturbance that small because it couldn’t. He’d been briefed on all known ships and their configurations whether chaos, xeno, or imperial and he knew their warp displacements on sight and this disturbance wasn’t one of them. This was just one of your standard fluctuations in the warp. He was about to tell her so when she suddenly turned tail and walked away, her nose not far from grinding through the ceiling of the watch deck. What did he do?

The astropath had looked into the loathsome face of the imbecile and knew instantly that he was disregarding everything she was saying but it mattered not. She had logged the disturbance so it was his piggy little bottom on the line. She sat back into her station and tried to settle her mind but something about those disturbances wouldn’t let her. She couldn’t put her finger on what it was. The disturbances were truly miniscule, hardly worthy enough to trouble her magnificent mind but they did. Finally she settled and cast her view out into the warp in search for the Emperors soul-soothing beacon. There it was again. No, not the Emperors gift but that disturbance and now she knew what was so wrong. It was perfect…

The Sailor was truly proud of his performance. He’d made many good run’s in many very difficult places. He’d ran supplies through chaos fleets to beleaguered Imperial guard forces, he’d Pierced through Imperial blockades ferrying forbidden xeno technology but this was by far the most difficult run he’d ever attempted and by far his best. He rode the currents like he was born of the warp. Every transition was smooth and precise. It was perfect…

"I thank you more"


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## Viscount Vash (Jan 3, 2007)

I have moved you thread into the Fiction Original Works area as it will be more likely to get the feedback you need in here.


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## Ratvan (Jun 20, 2011)

I really like the introductions, the repetetion in the first paragraph really grabbed my attention. I hardly ever play 40K although like yourself do like the universe. Would be very very interested to read more


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## Serpion5 (Mar 19, 2010)

Welcome to Heresy Sir.  This is very good for a first piece (certainly better than mine) but I have noticed a few things: 



> *In this particular dark corner the Imperium *of Man few ventured. None un-announced and none without cause. *In this particular dark corner of the Imperium *of Man...


See this repetition? Be wary of this. It can be a little off putting. 

The transition between the second and third paragraph needs something to set them apart. Since the focus is shifting to a new character, you need to place some kind of division, for example, asterisks: 



> The disturbance in the warp currents was so minute that the astropath placed it to the back of her mind and went back to absorbing and savouring the warm, comforting feel of the God-Emperors guiding light; the Astronomicon, the great telepathic embodiment of the Emperors will that cast a glorious beacon through the chaotic alternate plain of space known as the warp. The astropath had been there in that particular dark corner of space for thirty years and in those thirty years the exciting or un-expected had never happened. The astropath could not fathom why someone of such skill, beauty, and intelligence was being wasted in such a dreary place. She was once the Astropath onboard the ship of a flotilla master until it and its entire group was ambushed and nearly destroyed while in warp transit. Could this be why she was stationed here? No. The old fool had it coming if he couldn’t take care of a few heretical ruffians he had no right to command. With her mind settled she went back to basking in the Emperors psychic glory until again that minute disturbance in the warp currents reared its annoying little head.
> 
> * * *​
> The smuggler had been smuggler since he was a boy but he preferred to call himself a sailor. By his way of thinking smugglers and sailors were much alike. It all depended on who was watching, what you’re shipping, and who for. Regardless. The smuggler had grown up on a boat sailing oceans so as far as he was concerned he was a sailor, a very devious and cunning sailor but a sailor all the same. The ancient oceans that the sailor grew up on were some of the roughest and unpredictable on his home world maybe even in the entire sector. He was extremely proud of that notion and believed it was the reason why he was able to navigate the warp in a way few even knew was possible let alone mastered. The sailor cared not if he surprised them. In fact he was counting on it. One did not get this close if they knew you were coming. The sailor was proud he had made it this far without being detected. He considered himself one of the best at what he did and this proved it. But in truth part of him was disappointed. What he was doing was lauded as impossible, something that simply couldn’t be achieved without consent or an entire crusade of imperial battleships leading the way but here he was doing his job: Making the impossible entirely plausible.



Small techniques like this can give your piece a professional look. I hope to read more of your work and see how your technique develops. You are defenitely off to a good start. :good:


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## Simeon Caster (Jun 29, 2011)

Thank you for the kind words, advice, and tecnical help. This my first time writing in this style so i think im going to need it. Since the overall feedback was good i'll go ahead and post the second part of the first chapter. This is where the action really starts to pick up. I feel i get a little sloppy at the end but i plan to tighten it up a bit in the future. PLese be as critical as you especially on this next part. Thanks.

Chapte 1 (second half)

The watch commander was in no mood to talk to the astropath again after their first encounter of the shift and felt a sudden pang of annoyance when he saw her striding his way. Her head was held unbelievably, impossibly high, somehow higher than it was the last time. He closed his eyes, exhaled a long breath and prepared to curtly send her on her way but instead of stopping she casually walked straight past him without glancing in his direction. Some men would have gotten angry their pride wounded but the watch commander considered every second she wasn’t in his presence a blessing from the God-Emperor himself. She was stunning to look at sure. Clad in that silky black dress that paid close attention to her generous curves she was beautiful. The pale skin of her face featured a cute rosebud mouth, gorgeous bright green eyes and a nose that was almost piggish but not quite and all that bordered by cascading raven hair. You could probably stare at her until the Emperor retired if not for the fact that every time she stared back you felt like a piece of shit on the bottom of an ogryns boot. The watch commander didn’t mind her rejection he was sure no man alive would have the patience or ability to court that woman. The watch commander was broken from his thoughts by the flashing console before him. Nothing unusual he though just fleet command asking for a report from his station. The thought comforted him for about all of the three seconds then the astropath walked pass and smiled at him, smiled at him Emperor have mercy!

The astropath almost felt bad about going over the watch commanders head straight to the Fleet Captain. Then she remembered that he was a pig-headed fool who had no right to be shit on the bottom of an ogryns boot let alone a superior to one such as herself. She knew this was something big and so did the Fleet captain. He was reluctant at first but was soon convinced. It seemed he was smart man and not at all like that foolish Flotilla master. She concentrated her gaze out onto to warp and caught several more of those tiny, little, yet perfect disturbances in the warp. She couldn’t distinguish a pattern in the disturbances but one thing was clear; the disturbance was heading towards them and it would be here soon. She took her report to the Watch commander and handed it to him with a smile and laughed on the inside as she saw him shudder at the sight of it. 

The sailor was almost there, he’d almost done it. The warp currents had picked up fiercely in the past couple hours but he had managed to cope and keep his shifts perfectly steady. He was coming upon his last the shift, the most dangerous, the transition from the warp back into real space. It was in the last tenth of a second. It was meant to be perfect but was torn apart. Upon the entry to real space a rogue warp current smashed out of the immaterium through the gap the sailors ship had made launching it dramatically of course. The sailor gained control of his vessel just as fast as he had lost it. He was as good a pilot as he was a sailor. The rough exit from the warp had bothered him up but he’d done violent exits before what had him really shaken him was the super-heated bar of light that ripped through the space where he should have been if the exit had gone correctly. He knew they be on him shortly after he exited the immaterium but this was too soon. Had they known he was coming? Had they traced him through the warp? Were they were waiting here for him? He was no longer disappointed he was terrified. Super-heated light ripped through space, shimmering, and trailing lightning as it super-charged space-born dust particles. The terror transformed into motivation in an instant. He ‘d been here before, he’d done this before, he’d seen this before and he’d survived. He began evasive manoeuvres. His slick, stripped down frigate-class vessel could out run or out manoeuvre anything the Imperial Navy had to offer but it seemed his opponent was formidable. He ejected an compartment of scrap metal with an overcharged fuel cell in the centre to confuse the enemy sensors. It gave him a moment, just a moment to see what he was up against. While his earlier assessment of “formidable” was technically correct it catastrophically failed to convey the amount of shit the sailor currently found himself in. He’d been expecting a battle cruiser maybe a couple frigates in there too but that was far from what he got. What he got was a Retribution class flagship, three Oberon class battleships, seven escorts, and another huge warship of a configuration he had never seen before. The sailor could not understand why he was still alive. One volley from that fleet would fill space with so much super-heated death that he’d have nowhere to run. The answer made the sailor burst into hysterical laughter. They were playing with him, target practice, taking turns trying scratch him from existence. Through the laughter two things became certain in the sailors mind. 1) Once they got bored they would annihilate him. 2) There was no escaping this trap. There was only one way the sailor was going to survive this. He had wanted to save until he was closer but that was no longer an option. He begun to flip switches. It was time for his trump card.

***​
The Inquisitor couldn’t believe what he was seeing. What fool trespasses into inquisitional space let alone the space of an Ordos headquarters. Disbelief soon turned into the amusement when the fleet decided play around with the intruder. Amusement soon turned wonder and then swiftly to admiration, an admiration that spread through the fleet and was even expressed on the bridge of the adeptus astartes battle-barge. The pilot of the intruding vessel was incredible. As he continued to evade, more ships started to open fire, then more and more. They wanted to see how far they could push him and when It seemed he could take no more and his doom had come the fleet ceased fire. They had received a transmission from the intruder one that demanded clarification in person.

It took a while but the sailor learned how to breath again. Just as he had suspected the fleet had gotten bored and started firing on mass he was almost overwhelmed when the transmission finally silenced there guns and now he had to prepare for their arrival. He secured the cargo for transport then stripped down to his bare skin. According to the auspex the unknown battleship had broken from the fleet and was heading to towards him in a boarding pattern

As the Battle-barge eased in and docked with much smaller frigate the inquisitor was truly intrigued by what he saw through the view port. He’d been to the furthest reaches of the Imperium and even beyond but he had never seen a ship like the one before him now. Once pressure equalised the inquisitor led a full kill-team of the Ordos Xenos’s own Death Watch chapter of the adeptus astartes onto the intruding ship. The glorious astartes took no chances, they swept the vessel with uncanny speed and precision. They encountered no life except for powered down servitors and the occasional drone. The inquisitor stormed onto the bridge and they got their first glimpse of the ships pilot. He was stood completely naked with his arms stretched out to his sides and said.

‘My name is Bann, Bann Shahael. I come on the command of Inquisitor Imali Kardesh with critical information and cargo…A Xenos …A Tau.’


"Thanks again"


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

Heres something to consider when you post a story: The fatal wall of text. Try breaking up your paragraphs so it makes it more comfortable to read for the reader.


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*Ideas that may help.*

The first three chapters are filled with repitition that made it hard to read. The changing from one charecter to another without warning made it difficult to understand and there was very little spacing. In the second half the story did get much better, however the spelling, grammer and lack of spacing made it eye-bleedingly bad.

The story itself has a lot of potential and I do want to know what happens next. I suggest before posting more you take the ideas we have given you and re-write, space, correct your punctuation and spelling and then resubmit it.

The way I have spaced my paragraphs is the way your story should be presented. Read your work out loud so you can hear it and make it flow well. Don't give up- keep writing. 

P.S. Welcome to our world.


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## Simeon Caster (Jun 29, 2011)

There is only one chapter written so do you mean the first three paragraphs? If so the repetition is intentional. I come from a noir background of writing and so I like to use a very old school style of writing that may be disconcerting to some people. The quick switching between characters is pretty much how this entire story is going to go. My usual style of writing is dialog heavy but with this I wanted to try the opposite. I want it to be fast and visceral if you can’t keep up with the transitions then I guess this just isn’t the story for you. As for the paragraphs if you can show a suitable break I’d be happy to use it. I really thank you for your technical critique but this is really the rough draft in its truest form so I’m not really looking for grammar correction. I like to hear your opinion on the overall story becaue its approval in that sense that drives me on. :victory:

Ps. Thank you and everyone for the warm welcome.


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*Be quick to learn, slow to argue and willing to understand.*

Well, you are the one who asked for help. Three of us chose to give you our ideas and help. We were smart enough to learn not only from our mistakes but from the advice of others. You defend your work as we all do, but don't ask for help if you are not for real about it. 

And by re-writing I meant the whole chapter both part one and two as there are many grammer, punctuation and spelling errors throughout. We all have those problems when we are new and starting out and have had to have critisism to gain understanding.

Clearly as you said the repitition, switching quickly between charecters without clearly identifing the charecters, is not my style of story.

I have shown below how to paragraph and space your work, also how to switch between characters. You have some talent, so don't give up. 

Chapter I (first half)

In this particular dark corner of the Imperium of Man surprises were seldom. The great crusades being forged against the infectious archenemy and the xenos scum of the outer sectors were fought millions of stars away. In this particular dark corner of the Imperium of Man few ventured.

In this particular dark corner of the Imperium of Man was part of the God-Emperor himself. This corner of the Imperium held within it the embodiment of the God-Emperor's un-dying vigilance, his wrath and his fury, his most dangerous and deadly servants. Here lies the Ordos Xenos of the Imperial Inquisition.

The disturbance in the warp currents was so minute that the astropath placed it to the back of her mind and went back to absorbing and savouring the warm, comforting feel of the God-Emperors guiding light; the Astronomicon, the great telepathic embodiment of the Emperors will that cast a glorious beacon through the chaotic alternate plain of space known as the warp.

The astropath had been there in that particular dark corner of space for thirty years and in those thirty years the exciting or un-expected had never happened. The astropath could not fathom why someone of such skill, beauty, and intelligence was being wasted in such a dreary place.

She was once the Astropath onboard the ship of a flotilla master until it and its entire group was ambushed and nearly destroyed while in warp transit. Could this be why she was stationed here? No. The old fool had it coming if he couldn’t take care of a few heretical ruffians he had no right to command. 

With her mind settled she went back to basking in the Emperors psychic glory until again that minute disturbance in the warp currents reared its annoying little head. 

******

The smuggler had been a smuggler since he was a boy but he preferred to call himself a sailor. By his way of thinking smugglers and sailors were much alike. It all depended on who was watching, what you’re shipping, and who for. 

The smuggler had grown up on a boat sailing oceans so as far as he was concerned he was a sailor, a very devious and cunning sailor but a sailor all the same. The ancient oceans that the sailor grew up on were some of the roughest and unpredictable on his home world, maybe even in the entire sector. 

He was extremely proud of that notion and believed it was the reason why he was able to navigate the warp in a way few even knew was possible let alone mastered. 

The sailor cared not if he surprised them. In fact he was counting on it. One did not get this close if they knew you were coming. The sailor was proud he had made it this far without being detected. He considered himself one of the best at what he did and this proved it. But in truth part of him was disappointed. 

What he was doing was lauded as impossible, something that simply couldn’t be achieved without consent or an entire crusade of imperial battleships leading the way but here he was doing his job: Making the impossible entirely plausible.

******* 

The watch commander had been on duty for thirty minutes and in those thirty minutes that stuck up bitch of an astropath came complaining to him about some warp disturbance that turned out to be a couple of minute shifts in the warp currents. How she decided it was important was beyond him. 

No ship made a disturbance that small because it couldn’t. He’d been briefed on all known ships and their configurations wheather chaos, xeno, or Imperial and he knew their warp displacements on sight and this disturbance wasn’t one of them. 

This was just one of your standard fluctuations in the warp. He was about to tell her so when she suddenly turned tail and walked away, her nose not far from grinding through the ceiling of the watch deck. What did he do?

The astropath had looked into the loathsome face of the imbecile and knew instantly that he was disregarding everything she was saying but it mattered not. She had logged the disturbance so it was his piggy little bottom on the line. 

She sat back into her station and tried to settle her mind but something about those disturbances wouldn’t let her. She couldn’t put her finger on what it was. The disturbances were truly miniscule, hardly worthy enough to trouble her magnificent mind but they did. 

Finally she settled and cast her view out into the warp in search for the Emperors soul-soothing beacon. There it was again. No, not the Emperors gift but that disturbance and now she knew what was so wrong. It was perfect…

******

The Sailor was truly proud of his performance. He’d made many good run’s in many very difficult places. He’d ran supplies through chaos fleets to beleaguered Imperial guard forces, he’d pierced through Imperial blockades ferrying forbidden xeno technology but this was by far the most difficult run he’d ever attempted and by far his best. 

He rode the currents like he was born of the warp. Every transition was smooth and precise. It was perfect…

"I thank you more"[/quote]


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## Serpion5 (Mar 19, 2010)

Simeon Caster said:


> There is only one chapter written so do you mean the first three paragraphs? If so the repetition is intentional. I come from a noir background of writing and so I like to use a very old school style of writing that may be disconcerting to some people. The quick switching between characters is pretty much how this entire story is going to go. My usual style of writing is dialog heavy but with this I wanted to try the opposite. I want it to be fast and visceral if you can’t keep up with the transitions then I guess this just isn’t the story for you. As for the paragraphs if you can show a suitable break I’d be happy to use it. I really thank you for your technical critique but this is really the rough draft in its truest form so I’m not really looking for grammar correction. I like to hear your opinion on the overall story becaue its approval in that sense that drives me on. :victory:
> 
> Ps. Thank you and everyone for the warm welcome.


To clarify, there is nothing at all wrong with your story. It is progressing piece by piece with each new section revealing a little more of the plot. The lead in is going well, on that front you are doing fine. 

Technical help is really all we can offer you, so like Adrian said don`t be unwilling to bend your own preferences. I am still on a learning curve with being descriptive in my own work, something you are doing well with btw, but I am making the transition all the same. 

Like TOG pointed out, the wall of text is very discouraging, so a little more break up is definitely needed, similar to what Adrian posted as an example. That exact style may not suit you, but you do need to find some sort of middle ground at the very least. 

The lack of dialogue is also a bit strange to me, but since you`ve pointed to that yourself I won`t comment. If this is the style you wish to try I will follow with interest to see how it works.


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## Boc (Mar 19, 2010)

While I do see the point of necessary and effective repetition, I think in your opening it just seemed to forced. I think if you shortened the repeated portion down to a single word or maybe two it would be less jarring than to use such a long phrase as "In this dark corner of the Imperium of Man." It holds up the flow and, in an introductory sequence, getting the reader into a good tempo is crucial if they're going to continue reading.

As far as the rest goes, not a bad story overall, my biggest critiques are simply to ensure you use a word processor with spelling and grammatical checks built into it. While it'll be quite tedious as it picks up on _intentionally_ misspelled words, it'll also catch the forgotten periods, awkward clauses, etc. If you use word, it also picks up on the percentage of passage clauses you have and, while it's not completely accurate, it'll give you a good idea as to how you can make your writing more active, and therefore more engaging.

The other regulars hit the biggest problem right on the head though: please break up the text! Your largest paragraph was 509 words long. That's a 2-page essay for most college papers, and, in a standard paperback book, would take up 2+ pages. You need to give the reader a chance for a mental breath, and break it up a bit. Serpion's The First Wraith, ThatOtherGuy's Darius: II, or Adrian's Corpus Delicti! are all good examples as to about how long most paragraphs should be, especially when posted in a forum like this.

*Last but not least!* What's the name of this short, so I can get it added to the overall listing on the H-O FanFic Compendium.


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## Simeon Caster (Jun 29, 2011)

Hey guys. Yeah i think i was being a little too defensive about my works but then again you have to be if you want to keep your own vision inact. Maby its just me but i find grammar fix's pointless at such an early stage. When i posted here i just wanted to know i was on the right track. Those paragrahp breaks kind of conflicted with what i wanted to do but they may be the right choice. Im working on the next parts but as you know the start is easy. If there is still interest i will post chapter 2 in the next couple days. :victory:

PS. expect a oldschool interogation scene. I've decided this story is going to need solid dialog at specific points to succeed.


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*Hello*

Grammer fixes are never pointless at any stage of the story. I had to learn that from the beginning when the Inquisitor slapped me into understanding. Such things as grammer, spacing, punctuation and spelling are the foundations of a good story. those things will win you fans who want to read your work. 

Your willingness to learn and adapt and grow/ put into action what people teach you will encourage others to mentor you with the things we have learned. Humility will get you a long way in this world, pride will make enemies.


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