# THE IMPERIUM TONIGHT - all the latest news from across the galaxy!



## Svartmetall (Jun 16, 2008)

*THE IMPERIUM TONIGHT*
*ALL THE LATEST NEWS FROM ACROSS THE GALAXY*


*LATEST HEADLINES*​

*• Daemon Prince of Khorne sues Inquisition*
Gul’Thurg, Flayer Of Souls has filed a suit against the Inquisition for 'oppressing his right to personal religious freedom of expression' after a squad of Grey Knights ended his killing spree on Eprion Sextus, in which over 400 people were killed and exsanguinated. Garg the Butcher, representing Gul’Thurg, described the Grey Knights’ actions as ‘just another example of the unjustified violence directed against us on a regular basis. BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!’ The Inquisition were unavailable for comment. 

_Video interview with Gul’Thurg available. Warning – contains images that may be disturbing._

*• New Orkish search engine WAAAGHOO! causes problems *
On the night it goes live, Ork-only search engine Waaaghoo! has already caused chaos on the net as over 800 million Orks all search for 'Da Inturnet' simultaneously, crashing the net across the entire Calixis Sector. 

*• Slaaneshi priest accused over porn charges *
Sleer The Licentious, accused by his congregation of downloading 7,000 terabytes of porn in the last year, apologises for slacking and says he'll try to download more. A spokesperson for Sleer’s temple said ‘it’s just about standards, really, we...er...y’know. Standards. Gotta keep up, like, those...like...wait...what was I saying? Woo...’ before passing out in a drug-induced stupor.

_Video interview removed by the Ordo Hereticus._

*• Imperium Tonight sues Ordo Hereticus for ‘excessive censorship’*

_Story removed by the Ordo Hereticus._

*• Adepta Sororitas takes record forty-eighth title*
And in sports news, the annual Inter-Segmentum Scrumball Championships have been won by the Adepta Sororitas for a record forty-eighth time, after complaints of excessive on-pitch violence by the team during their final game against the Kasrkin were dismissed by Canoness de Sade. A strong last-minute challenge from the Tyranids failed after they forfeited their last match by eating the ball, the referee, the opposing team and over 400 of the spectators. 

_Video of the final match between the Adepta Sororitas and the Kasrkin available. Warning – contains images that may be disturbing._


_____​


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## Djinn24 (Jan 12, 2008)

LOL Nice, thinking about doing this often?


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## Midge913 (Oct 21, 2010)

Very funny! I especially like the first one about the Daemon Prince suing the Inquistion. Classic! :laugh:


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## Harland (Jan 24, 2011)

Svartmetall said:


> *• Imperium Tonight sues Ordo Hereticus for ‘excessive censorship’*
> 
> _Story removed by the Ordo Hereticus._


Lol...
& Lol @ the porn one too...


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## Doelago (Nov 29, 2009)

:laugh: This saved my day! Your a genius! + rep! You must do more of this stuff, seriously, a lot more! I demand more!


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## High_Seraph (Aug 28, 2009)

That as funny and made my day Svart! +rep.


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## Ultra111 (Jul 9, 2009)

That was pretty damn good mate, you should do more :laugh:


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## TheSpore (Oct 15, 2009)

I loved every bit of it... the nid part really funny


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## Necrosis (Nov 1, 2008)

You should make one of these every week.


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## Uber Ork (Aug 23, 2010)

Necrosis said:


> You should make one of these every week.


Yes! Very clever! Great Job *Svartmetall*_!_ :biggrin:
+rep to you!


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## the Autarch (Aug 23, 2009)

i agree with what everone else said, but seriously if the kasrkin dont beat the sisters next year im gonna have to support some else


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## Bane_of_Kings (Oct 28, 2009)

Hahaha, pure class .

*bangs fist on table*

More, More, More!


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## Unforgiven302 (Oct 20, 2008)

the Autarch said:


> but seriously if the kasrkin dont beat the sisters next year im gonna have to support some else


Try being a fan of the "Cadian Crosshairs" ratling team. Poor bastards get trampled to death every season.


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## Midge913 (Oct 21, 2010)

Adepta Sororitas all the way.... Their after parties are killer:biggrin:


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## Abomination (Jul 6, 2008)

One of the funniest thing's I've seen. I hope you do more in the future, it's comedy gold.


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## Brother Emund (Apr 17, 2009)

A good start. I tried to give you good Rep, but my Rep button has been removed by the Inquisition! :security:


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## Brother Arnold (Aug 29, 2010)

Awesome... Pure awesome. +rep, given from inside the stomach of a Carnifex from the Jormungandr Giants tyranid scrumball team. I _did_ support the Squat Subterraneans, but they all got eaten by the tyranids in that last fateful scrumball match... So now I support the Khorne Killers, listening to their games on a radio that this Carnifex also digested.

Anyway, this is one of the funniest things I've seen in years. Great work, and I hope to see more!


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## Kreuger (Aug 30, 2010)

Well, I'm glad we have such a distinguished commentator. But so help me Svart, if you get all our hopes up only to declare your true calling is new age music and hollistic vitamin supplements . . .


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## marcch (Apr 1, 2008)

Top notch + rep!


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## Khorothis (May 12, 2009)

I'd ask Ploss if he could include this in The Heretic at some point, I think it would fit in pretty well. 

Oh and I'll go with the crowd this time, MORE, MORE, MORE!!! :laugh:


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## Serpion5 (Mar 19, 2010)

I agree, the Heretic ezine would benefit greatly from a humerous news column! :laugh: 

Nids playing scrumball. :biggrin: What next?


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## warsmith7752 (Sep 12, 2009)

Serpion5 said:


> I agree, the Heretic ezine would benefit greatly from a humerous news column! :laugh:
> 
> Nids playing scrumball. :biggrin: What next?


Necrons doing knitting,


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## Serpion5 (Mar 19, 2010)

warsmith7752 said:


> Necrons doing knitting,


How dare you insult my other hobby! :ireful2:


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## HorusReborn (Nov 19, 2008)

hahah hilarious, well done svartmetall


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