# First Story Prologue (nameless so far)



## Farseer Darvaleth (Nov 15, 2009)

here goes:
Prologue
The planet Ormarnos was conquered many years ago, at the time of the Great Crusade. It had grown into a mighty Hive World, becoming a major centre of trade in the Charadon Sector. It had weathered the Heresy because of its close proximity to Ultramar, realm of the Ultramarines. They were currently recovering from an engagement with Hive Fleet Behemoth, which had cost them dearly. It was now that the Black Legion struck.
They came on the solar eclipse.
Barmnos woke to the sound of screaming, explosions, and a hellish cacophony of laughter echoing through Hive Orelia, the planetary capital. Quickly, he dashed to the window and threw it open, and stared in horror at the chaos below. Hundreds of men, women, and children ran shouting down the streets, streaming away from...something. Barmnos struggled to see what was causing the panic. And then he saw them. Monstrous, warped men strode down the street, clad in black armour, shooting down everyone they saw. The very air around them recoiled in terror, their dark, powerful frames crushing everything in their path.
Barmnos had to get out, fast. He ran to his locker, and withdrew his standard issue laspistol. He was once a soldier of the Imperial Guard, but was rejected for his cowardice after his first battle. Luckily he escaped without being executed. However, he had managed to smuggle the pistol with him, for occasions such as this. But this was worse than anything he could have imagined. The Chaos Space Marines laughed as they gunned down innocent civilians, calling foul praise to their dark gods, whilst butchering any who tried to resist. Barmnos quickly descended the stairs to the street level.
He was met with panicked citizens all trying to get away. There were some, however, that put up resistance. But it was futile. One man tried to tackle one of the heretics to the ground, but the powerful warrior knocked him to the floor, and crushed his head into a bloody pulp with his boot, all the while laughing manically. Barmnos quickly pushed his way through the crowd, heading for the spaceport, where he could somehow get away. Suddenly, up ahead, more screaming and cries could be heard. The marines had blocked off the road, and were killing everyone in sight. Quickly turning around, he realised the other group were quickly closing in behind. There was no escape. Fear gripped Barmnos, he was like a fly in a spider’s web, trapped with no hope...just before the terror washed over him, Barmnos spotted a side alley. He darted for it just as the Marines opened fire. The boltgun shells ripped apart everyone near him, scything down the helpless citizens in mere seconds. Ducking low, Barmnos dived for the alley just as the last rounds exploded behind him.
From the relative safety of the dark, secluded alleyway, Barmnos turned to see all of the people he knew and loved lying dead. It was a total massacre. But that wasn’t the worst part. The heretical slaves of the Black Legion had moved forward, and were offering the corpses to the Chaos Gods. Slowly, a nimbus of pulsating energy formed around the square, and the corpses stirred. Then, to Barmnos’ absolute horror, they rose. Barmnos uncontrollably retched, and staggered out into the square. He looked up to see a Chaos warrior looking straight at him in, clad in gilded armour, festooned with gory trophies showing his victories, and in his hand, a long staff, topped with a lidless, glowing eye. Barmnos stared at the eye; he couldn’t tear himself away from it. It stared back, into his very soul, and then, shattered it. Barmnos cried tears of blood as the world around him dissolved and became a warped world, corruption spewing forth from great gashes in the land, the country he knew so well. Hellish daemons walked the bloodstained ground, and tainted it with their foul stench. And atop a throne of the dead, sat the Chaos Sorcerer Ahzrael.
“And now, you see this world as I do,” he rasped in a thousand voices, all crying out for release, all crying for death. “You too shall become One.” The last two words echoed for eternity in Barmnos’ head, until he finally submitted, his mind broken and his spirit shattered. “I too am a servant of the Dark Gods!” Barmnos cried, and so too did the hundreds of souls who had also submitted in this way, the souls who were all trapped inside the Staff of Hrachgor.

first story hope u like it


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## toffster (Dec 13, 2009)

I like it, though I sense elements from my prologue. It may have been accidental, a subconsicious act after reading my story?
I honestly don't care, In a way I feel honoured  You pulled that off very nicely.

Thought the line "The very air around them recoiled in terror" was very good, great imagery in there. Maybe some metaphors to liven up descriptions. Like stating "The staff was a pulsing sun." 
Absolutely exellent, was very akin to the 40k books I have read, maybe a little tidying up here and there, but over wise! +rep!


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## Farseer Darvaleth (Nov 15, 2009)

yes, I see what u mean from ur story 
hoping to add space marines, eldar and even necrons ooooh 
librarian sub-plot hopefully too, a epistolary and a lexicanum who is unable to finish full training due to Ahzrael. (psychic duel, YES  )

ty for the comment

Farseer D


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## toffster (Dec 13, 2009)

:laugh: Would be great to see a pysker battle, be good to see how you layed it out. Any news on when the next bit of the story is coming out?

i think maybe having three races could be a bit too much, I'm placing Necrons into my story now, Chapter 3 just got posted. though their just going to be a background play while the chaos and space marines play it out. Whoever wins fights the necrons etc... Though my advice would be to have one of the races you listed as a background role because the story could become confusing if it was switching between main characters too much. Maybe if their was a alliance and you done the two races perspectives through one character, i'm not really sure.

:good: can't wait for the next bit mate, keep writing or I might die of anticipation before you release.:so_happy:


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## Farseer Darvaleth (Nov 15, 2009)

nah eldar are just failed messangers trying to warn space marines of true threat, the necrons under the desert (or something) but the SM just killes the eldar. The chaos dont last too long, get squished by necrons along the way, but still with the sorceror VS librarian sub-plot


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## two lls (Nov 25, 2009)

Its a good start to your writing, though i have some thoughts (remember tho, its just my opinion!):

I'd take out the first paragraph - the character description after it really puts us into the action - which is really good, but the fact that we know whats happening doesn't pose any questions, and dulls the plot. Now, the idea is good, I'd just 'hide' the relevations until the end of the prologue, or later on in the story.

Keep it up and write more, its a fine start overall!


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## toffster (Dec 13, 2009)

I think the little description at the beginning starts it off nicely, i'd keep it if I were you 

Nice idea, for the eldar being messengers. That will work well, maybe the message is delivered to the librarian?

I reckon, maybe the Chaos somehow accidently awaken the Eldar? Or the PDF on that planet? A mining expedition gone wrong? Possibly even the occupants of the planet have been worshipping the Necron as gods, they awaken them... then off course get killed.

Just some ideas


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## Farseer Darvaleth (Nov 15, 2009)

the eldar message the captain, who kills the eldar, but the librarian sees the truth behind it, chaos probably awaken eldar, gonna love the SOrcerors "oops" expression (he wont really say oops) 
CHAPTER ONE
One
Captain Idaeus marched swiftly over to the command deck. He had been summoned from a very important blessing of the new iniates. If it had been for some trivial affair, he would waste no time in executing the one responsible.
“What is this nonsense?” he barked, quickly shoving the crew that were too slow out of the way. “Metaskor, what is the problem?” The Epistolary Librarian stepped forward.
“We have received an urgent distress signal from planet Ormarnos, Captain,” Metaskor spoke, with his normal air of calculating coolness and control. “The planet has been attacked. The Black Legi-,” he was cut off by a bloodcurdling roar. “How is that possible?! The planetary defences?! A huge fleet would be required to break through that space station!” As Master of the Fleet of the Ultramarines Chapter, Idaeus knew just how powerful the station was; it was built incorporating several Dark Age artefacts, and nearly shot down Idaeus’ battle barge when a servitor broke down, causing a powerful computer virus to spread rapidly through the system. Idaeus had barely made it out alive, shutting down the station’s major power grid before the plasma lance charged up.”Nothing could have broken through that,” Idaeus continued, composing himself.
“The Black legion didn’t need to, Captain. They had men on the space station. The virus that nearly made the station kill you was not eradicated, but made dormant. The forces of Chaos have wanted this planet for a long time, my friend.”
“But why?” Idaeus snapped, “That world is nothing but a developing Hive City. Why not invade some of the more wealthy ones? There are plenty in the sub-sector.” The Librarian shook his head. “Fine then,” grumbled Idaeus, “If it’s a war the traitors want, it’s a war they shall get. Shipmaster, set a course for Ormarnos, Metaskor, get the Astropathic Choir ready to enter the Warp, Control Deck, full power to Geller Fields.” Chaos erupted on the deck, the crew scrambling to complete their orders as various power exchanges happened, too fast to notice, as the Battle Barge Relentless Truth powered up the main engines and Geller Fields. The Shipmaster stood forward.
“Shall we give the order for the rest of the fleet to accompany us, Captain?” he asked swiftly. Idaeus thought for a minute, then replied,
“No. They need to stay here to oversee the reconstruction of the defences of Ultramar. Put Sergeant Farlos in charge.” It pained Idaeus that his Battle-Brother would be unable to aid him, but the defence of Ultramar was too important to be left to chance. “Epistolary Metaskor, with me.” The two Space Marines walked swiftly from the Command Bridge to the Space Marines’ quarters. “We have much to discuss for the coming campaign.”

bit slow but NEVER MIND:victory::grin:k:

Farseer D


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## Farseer Darvaleth (Nov 15, 2009)

the eldar message the captain, who kills the eldar, but the librarian sees the truth behind it, chaos probably awaken eldar, gonna love the SOrcerors "oops" expression (he wont really say oops) 
CHAPTER ONE
One
Captain Idaeus marched swiftly over to the command deck. He had been summoned from a very important blessing of the new iniates. If it had been for some trivial affair, he would waste no time in executing the one responsible.
“What is this nonsense?” he barked, quickly shoving the crew that were too slow out of the way. “Metaskor, what is the problem?” The Epistolary Librarian stepped forward.
“We have received an urgent distress signal from planet Ormarnos, Captain,” Metaskor spoke, with his normal air of calculating coolness and control. “The planet has been attacked. The Black Legi-,” he was cut off by a bloodcurdling roar. “How is that possible?! The planetary defences?! A huge fleet would be required to break through that space station!” As Master of the Fleet of the Ultramarines Chapter, Idaeus knew just how powerful the station was; it was built incorporating several Dark Age artefacts, and nearly shot down Idaeus’ battle barge when a servitor broke down, causing a powerful computer virus to spread rapidly through the system. Idaeus had barely made it out alive, shutting down the station’s major power grid before the plasma lance charged up.”Nothing could have broken through that,” Idaeus continued, composing himself.
“The Black legion didn’t need to, Captain. They had men on the space station. The virus that nearly made the station kill you was not eradicated, but made dormant. The forces of Chaos have wanted this planet for a long time, my friend.”
“But why?” Idaeus snapped, “That world is nothing but a developing Hive City. Why not invade some of the more wealthy ones? There are plenty in the sub-sector.” The Librarian shook his head. “Fine then,” grumbled Idaeus, “If it’s a war the traitors want, it’s a war they shall get. Shipmaster, set a course for Ormarnos, Metaskor, get the Astropathic Choir ready to enter the Warp, Control Deck, full power to Geller Fields.” Chaos erupted on the deck, the crew scrambling to complete their orders as various power exchanges happened, too fast to notice, as the Battle Barge Relentless Truth powered up the main engines and Geller Fields. The Shipmaster stood forward.
“Shall we give the order for the rest of the fleet to accompany us, Captain?” he asked swiftly. Idaeus thought for a minute, then replied,
“No. They need to stay here to oversee the reconstruction of the defences of Ultramar. Put Sergeant Farlos in charge.” It pained Idaeus that his Battle-Brother would be unable to aid him, but the defence of Ultramar was too important to be left to chance. “Epistolary Metaskor, with me.” The two Space Marines walked swiftly from the Command Bridge to the Space Marines’ quarters. “We have much to discuss for the coming campaign.”

bit slow but NEVER MIND:victory::grin:k:

Farseer D


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## Farseer Darvaleth (Nov 15, 2009)

OH LOL i posted it twice?!
never mind lol bit of a weird accident   

Farseer D


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## Farseer Darvaleth (Nov 15, 2009)

here comes CHAPTER TWO enjoy (hopefuly I wont post it twice this time )
Two
Lexicanum Darkator stood alone in the darkness. He focussed himself, as he had been taught. He felt the universe around him as a shifting void of emotions, swirling around him like a black fog... then they struck. The Junior Librarian leapt forwards, barely escaping the buzzing chainsword as it swung close to his neck. Turning quickly on his heel, Darkator brought his blade crashing down on his assailant, crushing it to the floor. The rest retreated backwards, into the darkness. “Focus, Darkator, focus!” he told himself, once more attempting to see through the veil that surrounded him. He summoned all of his willpower, and then suddenly, he saw them. Twisted creatures, half-man half-metal, coming at him from all sides. Darkator swung his blade around in a mighty arc, roared an ancient battlecry, and charged...a warning bell rang out, signalling the session was over. The lights came up, and the combat servitors shut down. Confused, Darkator moved over to the command console to see why the training programme had stopped. As he started typing in the code to restart the combat run, Metaskor entered the Librarian training quarters.
“I wouldn’t do that if I was you, Darkator,” he spoke in his cool, powerful voice. Darkator quickly sank to his knees before the Epistolary.
“I’m sorry, master, I didn’t see you there,” Darkator remained kneeling.
“Stand up, my friend,” said Metaskor, then, smiling slightly, “I forgive your grave error.” Smiling, Darkator stood up.
“But why end the training session? I had just begun to master Darksight,” complained the young Librarian. Metaskor chuckled at this.
“Master it, you say? To me, I would see room for improvement. But alas, you did well, but now is certainly not the time to be extending your thoughts into the Warp. We are about to travel through it after all, and the Geller fields are up. Should you extend your psychic presence during this, you could shatter the shields and endanger us all.” Metaskor was no longer smiling.
“So where are we going, master?” asked Darkator, keen to see new worlds. He had been recruited from Macragge, and had recently risen to become a full Astartes, but still had more to learn before he could operate independently as a Codicier Librarian. He wanted to prove himself, and this trip could give him what he wanted.
“Your enthusiasm is duly noted, Lexicanum,” Metaskor answered, fully aware that Darkator was keen for real combat, “And it may have its uses. We are moving to Ormarnos, in the Charadon Sector. It has been overrun by... Chaos.” Metaskor seemed deeply troubled. “This is no normal raid. The planet has nothing special to offer, and not even the Black Legion has enough resources to waste a full-scale invasion on such an insignificant planet. Come, walk with me.” The Librarians moved swiftly out of the training area, and towards the Armoury.
“Perhaps there is something hidden? Something there that not even the Planetary Governor could dig up,” Darkator mused, half to himself.
“Dig up... curious that you would use that expression.” Metaskor looked at Darkator, searching for something, but then sighed and continued walking. “You will need to learn to use your new equipment for the battles ahead, young one. Your Psychic Hood will protect you from enemy psykers, and will only hinder your abilities slightly to start with, until you become more in tune with it. This just requires experience. Your Force weapon, however...”Metaskor was cut off by Darkator’s excited cry.
“Me? A Force weapon?” noticing he had interrupted his master, Darkator quickly composed himself. “Sorry, Epistolary,” he quickly apologised.
“As I was saying, yes, you will have a Force weapon. I will teach you to use it on the journey.” They had reached the Armoury. “Shall we?” The two Librarians entered, and quickly began the long training process as Relentless Truth pushed on through the Warp, towards the Black Legion.

hope you like it :grin:

Farseer D


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## toffster (Dec 13, 2009)

*OH SIGH* Thats quite saddening. i was typing while you posted it. shows me how long I took over my comment. Ten minutes!  Yer your definetly getting this +rep. Just gimme a while, i need to spread it out a little, it's only fair! Please read the below nad note it was for chapter one. At the moment I'm not going to comment on it now as you will see in my Chapter long comment! Something about my fingers...... Zzzzzz Wha! What! Oh drifted off. Erm, yer just read below. :yawn:

Nice, wouldn't say it was slow. When I saw the second post i was hoping for a second chapter. Though I would try to lengthen this a little, it all happens a little to quickly.

Some points that might help you out:
*Whilst space marines go through vigorous training which generally wipes away their humour, Librarians go through different training and most retain a sense of spirit. Such too say they retain their humour.
*You said that chaos would awaken eldar in your post. I mean postS lol 
*Your characters need more hostility towards the chaos, after all they betrayed them and killed the emperor. Maybe something like the captain spits on the ground at the mention of the Black Legion.
*Your basing it on ultramarines, a good chapter for a story. Though the Ultramarines defences are just as hard to break as the imperial fists. Maybe there should be looks of bewilderment on the bridge.

That was very critical, I actually went through the chapter and picked them out one by one. So don't feel like you had loads of mistakes. I think that chapter was very very good otherwise. i reckon what you should do is hit two birds with one stone by editing your double post and typing in the improved chapter one. I think it would be good prctise for future stories and would get rid of that nasty double post situation. Then you could edit the oops comment into a theres the improved chapter! Straight away! sort of thing 

okay that was a chapter in itself. Now my fingers hurt and i wasted fifteen minutes of my life on what could have been a short post. Now i gotta go write some more of my story  My poor fingers.

+rep for your massive effort. Improve that chapter well and you might get some more!


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