# My Crappy Story II: it sadly continues



## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

Introduction​
Since I had so much fun writing 'My Crappy Story' during the early to late 2010, I have decided to put my dignity and reputation again on the line to write this probably horrifying sequel. As you know it destroyed all reason and logic when it came to the 40k fluff, and this time I will annihilate it completely. However, to those who do not know the first installment, you must read *the original here*, other wise this is a gibbering blabble of terrible writing drenched with shallow and obnoxious characters. Remember, anyone who will try to find a plot here will be prosecuted. Anyone who tries to find a moral lesson here will be hunted down by the inquisition. Anyone who will try to compare this with the official fluff will go insane. Anyone who will try to take this seriously will be disappointed. Without further a due, here it is.





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“Ok guys, I called this meeting so that we can catch up on how everyone is doing in their respective departments. Now I know it’s pretty earlier in the morning, but might as well get this done now than rather leave late today.” Aetius began.

“Yeah, unlike that last meeting on Friday with Typhus complaining about the lack of medical supplies in the staff lounge. Jeez, I’ve never seen such a person freak out over a paper cut.” Loki muttered.

“Oh god don’t get started on that Loki… Now then, let’s start this off with Cindy’s department.” 

“Thanks Aetius” Cidny said as she stood up “Now then, the budget cuts in the Sorcerors Heretical Institute of Tzeetch have proven effective in keeping the budget healthy, but the staff cut back wasn’t as good as we thought it was. Accountant Sindri as you know was let off and was replaced with a horror.”

“How did that go?” Aetius asked.

“Not well. The most common complaint was that nobody could understand a single word that demon was gibbering about and that it continuously came up with radical financial reports, such as stating we lost over twenty five trillion dollars over the last two days. Also it was reported that whenever it got frustrated it would throw demonic fire at the other staff and cause property damage, such as the destruction of several printers and copiers. Last, many complained that it would sometimes defecate near the staff coffee machine in the lunch room, often leaving a horrible mess and smell behind. I’m sorry to say, but we need a bigger budget to hire someone decent staff around.”

Aetius pondered for a moment about this report. “Well, I suppose we could add a bit more to your guy’s budget here and hire a bit more competent staff. That should solve it.”

“I believe so.” Cindy agreed.

“Ok, Gorgoth, how well are you guys in the Blood Training Camp?”
The giant khornite berserker slowly stood and cleared his throat as he was addressed.

“WE NEED MORE CHAIN AXES!!!!” He roared.

“I thought we dumped you guys with one hundred of them last week?” Aetius pointed out.

“WELL THE NOOBS THAT I KEEP HAVING TO TRAIN KEEP LOSING THEM IN THE LOCKER ROOM!!!” Gorgoth screamed once more. “ALSO WE NEED MORE PEOPLE TO KILL!”

“So have you checked the locker room?”

Gorgoth stood there for a moment thinking over the fact that he had never checked the locker room. 

“I’ll be right back then…” He said as he made his way out of the meeting room.

“Ok… Next, Plubonic of the Plague Institute of Septic Servants, tell us what going on.” Aetius continued.

There was no answer surprisingly. Aetius again asked out loud, but still there was no answer from him. Several members looked around and found that he wasn’t here at all.

“Uh Aetius, Plubonic is out sick today, he says he got a bad case of the flu.” Loki pointed out.

“Really? Well, I’m not surprised. Heard that the flu bug is spreading around here and he must have caught it. Sucks to be him then.” Aetius said sympathetically. “Well, I can see our business is done here seeing that all is addressed, so you guys are all excused, I have a new group of members and cultists to address today, so I need to prepare. Hope these changes work out well and of course praise chaos or whatever the hell you guys worship.”
The officials of the departments got up and left the room after saying good bye, leaving Aetius to prepare his speech.

++++++​
Aetius entered the large auditorium, its seats packed with recent traitors, heretics and young cultists, all eagerly waiting for their introduction to chaos.

“Greetings my fellow heretics, my name is Aetius and today I will go over the wonders of chaos and how to help you choose your deity to serve for all of eternity.” Aetius said as he got onto the podium. “Now then, I hope you read over the basic warnings and health risks about joining the forces of chaos and worshipping the gods. It is quite important for you to know what you are getting into.”

“When we read the brochure it didn’t tell us anything about health risks or warnings.” Said a marine in the back row.

“Well then, do you guys want to hear the hazards or shall I continue on?” Aetius asked.

The crowed looked at him nervously, contemplating on whether they wanted to hear the possible horrors that chaos could bring or just continue on in ignorance.

“I want to hear it… You know… Just to make sure that I am not getting into something dangerous here or anything…” Said a woman in the back.

“Well then, here is what it says in the recruitment pamphlet. WARNING: Side effects of joining chaos may include murder, rape, disease, possession, mutation, horrible mutation, super rape, loss of hearing, madness, prostate cancer, damnation, racism, uncontrollable hate, nerd rage, chronic masturbation, death, super AIDs, paranoia, schizophrenia, teen angst, cancer, diabetes, incessant complaining about mundane things, diarrhea, constipation, terrifying nightmares, loss of memory, vulgar humor, ADHD, insomnia, obesity, and conversion to Mormonism.” Aetius read out loud.

The room was silent after hearing the long list, all wondering if it was such a good thing to follow chaos after all.

“Any questions about the warnings?” Aetius asked with a smile.

“wait… what was that last one again?” Asked a heretic in the front.

“Moving on, as I said before, this is an introduction to the wonderful world of eternal service to the chaos gods. Now then, the first thing you must need to know about chaos and the gods is that once you join you completely for fit your life and soul to eternal damnation. However, after years of hard work and sacrifice, you may have the possibility of earning back some of your agency, a goal and reward worth working for. But for the most part there is no chance of retrieving the freedom you have now ever again. That’s basically all there is to know, but to be honest this is an oversimplified definition of your existence with chaos. The much more detailed version is far more disturbing and far more nihilistic, emphasizing more on how insignificant your life and existence truly is. However, we will go over that later.”

One of the young cultists in the back raised his hand nervously as soon as Aetius took a pause.

“You have a question?” Aetius said as he pointed at the young man.

“Yeah… Besides the whole theme of damnation and eternal pain, are there any real benefits that we get when we join like they said in the brochure?… you know, the benefits that come off the back immediately like health insurance or a free car or something on the lines of that?…” the young man asked.

“That is an excellent question my good friend! The most straight forward answer to that is no. However, if you worship Nurgle you do get a 50% discount on your dental and catastrophic insurance. Slaanesh also offers some medical coverage as well in the field of STDs, but within the big picture you just screwed over from day one.” 

“Okay, just wanted to clear that up…” The young man said happily satisfied with the answer.

“I too have a question” Said a marine in the back. “The pamphlet talked about when you worship Khorne, you worship him through anger and violence. To me that’s a little vague, so could you clear that up for us?”

“Of course!” Aetius gleefully said “I have a slight specialty in Khorne worship thanks to the misses. Actually, anything violent and full of hate is a form of worship. For example if someone was to accidently bump into you and you punched them in the face out of pure anger that is a form of worship for the blood god.”

“So for example if I were to piss on someone’s house and the home owner came out to stop me but then I fought back and killed him because he tried to stop me from peeing on his house, would that be considered to Khonite worship?” The marine asked again.

“Depends. If you are peeing on his house because you are angry at him and you kill him out of pure hate, then yes that pleases Khorne. But if you were to do it out of fun and pleasure, then no, that fuels Slaanesh.” Aetius answered again. “Any more questions people, because we need to move on pretty soon.”

“I have a question also” Said a woman in the front.

“Okay, this is the last one then.” Aetius stated to the audience.

“Yes, does joining chaos affect the lives of your immediate family or does it only affect you? And if so, is it good to spread the word around as well?”

“Well of course it affects you and your loved ones around! What better way of concerning your friends and family through incoherent rambling and sporadic outbursts of extreme mental break downs in front of them! It’s good to spread the good news as well. Like the old phrase, the more heretics the better!” Aetius laughed. “Now then, let us continue.”


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## Boc (Mar 19, 2010)

Oh dear lord... there's more!

A good intro for the sequel, quite amusing and I look forward to see where the shenanigans begin to grow.

Now what chaos god is it if I just want to pee on the house because I'm bored?


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

Boc said:


> Oh dear lord... there's more!
> 
> A good intro for the sequel, quite amusing and I look forward to see where the shenanigans begin to grow.
> 
> Now what chaos god is it if I just want to pee on the house because I'm bored?


Oh yeah, theres moar.

Well, if you want to be a troll for peeing on someone's house, you do that in the name of Malal, but for boredom? Might as well make one up.


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## arturslv (May 12, 2010)




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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

Unlike last time, there won't be chapters. Just one long continuous blabbling story.

++++++​

Aetius ate his lunch in the corner of the staff lounge, finishing off another successful morning at work. But just as he finished the last bite of his sandwich, a large looming shadow was suddenly over him.

“We are legion…” said a deep voice quietly.

Aetius swung around to see the steel face of a chaos terminator, its forehead bearing the mark of Chaos Undivided and the sides covered with horns.

“Hey, s’up Kallikan!” Aetius greeted.

The massive terminator grabbed the chair next to Aetius and sat down, but his massive weight and build bent the wimpy steel and plastic chair as he relaxed in it.

“So broski, hows it going?” Aetius asked.

“You should have seen the raptor training session today, it was funny as hell. Watching those marines putting on their packs for the first time was like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a door knob. Seriously, it’s not that hard to put on those dam packs. A person with a single brain cell and a pulse can put one on in a minute. By the gods I wanted to smack them in the face for such idiotocracy. Then I had to deal with a bunch of bull shit about the Rubric Marine Union and how they aren’t getting paid enough in their respective field. Seriously, what the hell are a bunch of suits of armor going to buy? A swiffer brush to clean up the dust inside? Man, this place is packed with more idiots than a Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer movie set. Besides my bitching, hows it going for you?”

“Well, I addressed a new group of traitors today which was quite interesting. The majority of the crowd was a bunch of angry teenagers trying to be rebellious against their parents. Oh well, at least we got most of the crowd to check out the booths outside on which god to choose.”

“I remember the introduction speech” Kallikan laughed “There was a bunch of idiots in the front making demonette jokes and how they are going to have an orgy with them. The speaker told them that it was a bad and common misconception, but they didn’t listen. Next thing we know we see them running out of room, screaming about how the demonettes tried to convert them to Mormonism. Poor fools. Couldn’t blame them for siding with Khorne.”

“Don’t even get me started on my first encounter” Aetius chuckled. “I was never so shocked in my life when that happened.”

“Speaking of that, a bunch of demonettes yesterday tried to break in and set up a booth of their own in the lobby. Took three obliterators and four terminators to get rid of them and removed any evidence of their presence… Need to tighten security in case of that shit every happens again.” Killikan said as he pulled out a cold one from his storage unit on his back.

“Yeah. I’m going to try to recruit more security guards around here. It’s been hard to find any to help out since the plague marines joined the security force… The locker rooms are never the same since they joined… Anyhow, anything else or is that it?” Aetius asked.

“Well, got a new place next to the Templum Inficio. Pretty good view of down town and the temple itself. The only problem is that I have to live next to a family devoted of Nurgle. Smells like shit and diabetes every time I have to walk by. But other than that, it’s a steal. Speaking of which, hows the family?”

Aetius sighed with a smile on his face “Oh nothing too special. Got Ishtail into a school on Ulthwe and she’s been doing pretty well. Though I have gotten a few calls from the teacher about some of her antics, but then again, she is a child. Can’t expect her to pick a path when she is only about eleven. Vicky and I have never been better. Only times when she drags me up the wall is when she slaughters the neighbors over a simple argument or when she butchers everyone in the web way when she takes Ishtail to school. Other than that, things have been going great. And you?”

“Well, got news that my granddaughter just got promoted to the rank of Sister Superior. Can’t wait for the day to see her fall to the dark side.” Killikan laughed. “Two of them already joined the ranks of the Lost and Dammed, might was well continue the family tradition.”

“You are just terrible you know that?”

“Of course I am! I’m a chaos space marine!” Killikan again joked.

“Sorry to break it, but my lunch is over. Good to see you again. Hope you do well in your next tutorial.” Aetius said.

“Oh dear lord don’t remind me. Got to teach abunch of marines how to drive a rhino by the Deplorium. I tell ya, this is not going to be pretty somehow. Anyways, see ya mate.”

The clock rang one and signaled that their lunch break was over. Both parted and went their ways.


++++++​


“… And then Khaine got into a fight with Vaul over the last piece of pizza. The two battled over each other through a series of trials called ‘The Tests of the Pretty Pink Ponies’. These tests included eating one hundred marshmallows, have a pillow fight against each other for one hour and stand on their heads for two days. But during that time, Faolchu took the last piece of pizza and ate it. Isha got mad because the pizza didn’t belong to him, but to make up for that he bought four buckets of cookie dough ice cream and everyone had an ice cream party. But Khaine still wasn’t happy, because he wanted chocolate mousse ice cream, not cookie dough. But then after some finger painting and comic book reading, Khaine calmed down and everyone was happy, the end… Oh yeah, Slaanesh crashed the party drunk and ruined it for everyone.”

Farseer Idranel and the other students looked at Ishtail with utmost confusion over her report about Eldar Mythology. Everything, every single detail, was completely wrong.

“Uh Ishtail. I am going to ask you… Did you study at all?” Idranel asked.

“Of course I did! But it was soooo boring! So I made it better!” Ishtail smiled.

“You know that you were supposed to follow the criteria even if it was boring young lady.”

“There was criteria?” Ishtail lied, acting like she didn’t know about it at all.

“Ugghhh… Ok kids, as you can see we will need to continue tomorrow since were out of time. Now remember, get your parents to sign that permission slip as soon as possible. We leave to go see craft world Iyanden two days from now and this field trip is important, so I say again, don’t forget your permission slip. Everyone else but Ishtail can go, because I need to talk to her.” Idranel said as she locked her eyes on Ishtail.

The students got up and grabbed their stuff and headed out, leaving only Ishtail and Idranel in the empty room.

“Come take a seat here.” Idranel pointed out.

Ishtail slowly got onto the seat, nervous at what at the farseer is going to talk about.

“You are a very bright student Ishtail. Much more than any other that I have had. But this recent streak of misbehavior is becoming a problem so I need to talk to your parents.”

Ishtail paused for a moment after that. She thought to herself for a moment about that request. It would be insane to bring Aetius and Vicky down here to talk she thought. A human cultist and a demon on a craft world? Might as well bring Billy Mays to Nurgle’s garden Ishtail thought again.

“Is that going to be a problem?” Idranel asked.

“Uhhhh… I will tell them that…” Ishtail slowly said.

“Well then. In the mean time I’m going to have to give you a D minus on this report.”

“A D MINUS?!” Ishtail screamed.

“Yes, a D minus. You didn’t follow any of the criteria and you story is completely off.” Idranel said as she ignored Ishtail’s shock. “Those are the rules missy, and I can’t bend them for you. How are you going to be an educated eldar if you get our heritage wrong?”

Ishtail just sat there as she absorbed the fact that she near failed her report. She couldn’t leave and tell Aetius and Vicky about this grade. They will surely be unhappy about this and Vicky might even go on a killing spree in the neighborhood again, a completely unpleasant sight. But as soon as all hope was lost, an idea of getting out of this popped into her noggin.

“Well alright, if it’s a D minus then I will diffidently show everyone the ‘video’.” Ishtail said with a grin.

“What video?” Idranel asked with suspicion.

“Oh nothing. Just a video of a certain place in Commorragh on the night of September 23, M49.983.” Ishtail said slyly.

Idranel didn’t get it at first, but like a flash of lightning it came to her.

“You better not be talking about what I think you’re talking about.” Idranel said nervously.

“K’balaic Underground… Thee place for a donkey show.”

Idranel’s fear now came to past. It mattered not how Ishtail got footage of her in that horrible shameful club, it only mattered that if she would release it or not.

"You're lying!" Idranel fearfully claimed.

"Got it on my mac book... ready to be uploaded on YouTube at any second..." Ishtail continued to taunt.

Idranel broke. It wasn't worth risking to ignore her.

“Ok! Ok! Ok!” Idranel gave in to Ishtail’s trap. “What do you want…”

Ishtail smiled at her for giving in to her demands.

“I want that D minus into an A minus. And I want my detention tomorrow be removed.”

“Deal!” Idranel agreed.

Ishtail watched in joy as Idranel erased the D and replaced it with an A. She then snatched the paper and put in her back pack and hopped out of the room victorious over her battle with the farseer. Once the room was empty once more, Indranel unlocked a small cabinet behind her and pulled out a small bottle of brandy, pulling off the lid and taking a swig.

“I ask myself every night why I treat the other races as sick inferior beasts when I degrade myself Mexican Style.” Indranel shamefully told herself. “Stupid snot nosed brats…”


++++++​


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## Serpion5 (Mar 19, 2010)

:rofl: :biggrin: 

I haven`t read the originals but somehow this was all the more hilarious for not knowing how it began. Good work.


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

You should read the original otherwise you won't get half of the humor. I went back a while ago and cleaned up all my noobish grammar problems in it.


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

++++++​

Another day done at school, Ishtail joyfully walked and skipped through the webway back towards the gate that secretly let out in downtown Sicarus, passing merrily by other kin and rouge Dark Eldar. Ever since the end of her adventures a year ago, Ishtail and her new family have been living safely in the down town of Sicarus, close by to the Balisica of the World and the Forum. While many mortals would think living on a demon world to be a hell hole, Ishtail found no problem with it. In fact, over the past year she kind of enjoyed the vivid life and close family on Sicarus. Aetius and Vicky being her new proud parents while having a nice comfortable home in thanks from great great great uncle Harrison Launance, aka High Dark Apostle Lord Draco of the Dark Council, had made life for her now better than ever. However, the only problem with her new home was being forced to wear the eight pointed start on her chest for safety reasons, because as long as you are wearing some sort of chaos symbol, no matter how off your clothing is, you will fit in just fine. But that truly never bothered her, for life as of now was too good.

After making through the gate and now onto the blood encrusted street, Ishtail walked only a few blocks before arriving at her home complex. With a twist and push, she entered into the chaos high life apartment complex and took the elevator to the third floor. Finally she arrived at room 666: home. Doing her usual routine, she opened the door, kicked off her shoes, grabbed the box of Lucky Charms in the kitchen and plopped herself in front of the tube. However, this time someone else was occupying her favorite spot on the couch.

“Aetius?”

“Oh hey sweetie. I got done with work today early if you wanted to know.”
Ishtail sat on the couch with Aetius, furiously munching away on the Lucky Charms.

“Watcha watching?” She said while spitting out crumbs from her stuffed mouth.

“The news, in other words nothing good.” Aetius said as he turned off the tv. “So how was school today?”

“Black mailed the teacher on my report today.” She said with pride.

“What?!” Aetius said in shock.

“Yeah, you see, last night I was too tired to study the fairy tales assigned so I was about to give up, but then it came to me.” Ishtail said, acting out like her soon solution was some sort of prophetic dream.

“Oh yeah? Enlighten me.” Aetius rolled his eyes.

“So I called Brutacus and asked him about studying and he told me to make up stuff. That’s how he became a justicar for a while. He says it’s the best trick in the book!” She said with a smile.

“Honey, you could have asked me or Vicky for help you know. Asking Brutacus for advice is like asking an Ork about the topic of docile peace.”

“Well I thought you guys would get mad at me for procrastinating.” Ishtail said with a hint of fear.

Aetius scooted over and gave her a hug.

“This is only going to happen once and once only. Ok?” Aetius said as he looked straight into the eldar child’s eyes.

“Ok…”

“Good. Now then, let’s keep this conversation to ourselves, lest Vicky finds out about this, for we don’t want face complete hell again.”

Ishtail nodded her head in agreement, understanding the possible scenario if Vicky heard in on this. But to their surprise, this scenario was already in motion. Both of them heard the footsteps of cloven feet on the floor outside the room… Angry and furious sounding footsteps. They watched next the door swing open, crashing into the wall with unnatural momentum. There on the threshold was the beautiful, but insanely angry misses. In her left hand was a bag of groceries and in her right a hell blade with a head pierced on the end, with the final topping of blood strewn over half of her body.

“You wouldn’t believe what happened at store today!” She screamed at the top of her lungs with pure rage.

While Aetius and Ishtail showed concern with this about to begin rant, both knew inside that this was one of her Khornite moments.

“What happened?” Aetius asked.

Vicky set down the groceries on the table but then threw the head of her recent victim on Aetius’s lap.

“Well I was trying to get a chicken for dinner tonight and found that the store only had one left! So I went over there and was about to buy it for us, but then this Nurgle bitch said she needed it! I told her to go fuck herself with penicillin doused chainsword, but then she said she needed to feed the nurglings at home! I told her to shut her STD yammer because I had a real family to feed! But then she went on some fucking rambling about sharing and shit, but after she started talking shit about us, I fucking had it! So you know what?! I FUCKING BROKE THAT BITCH! I RIPPED HER FUCKING GUTS OUT AND LOBBED OFF HER HEAD LIKE A PUSSY! FUCKING WHORE SHE WAS! Then the store manager told me to calm down and get out, but I told that son of a bitch to fuck off! GOD DAM BASTARD!”

“Honey, just calm down, you got the chicken and you got dinner.” Aetius said, trying to calm the wrath of Khorne’s daughter.

“Oh Just shut the fuck up!” She screamed.

“What the fuck was that for?!” Aetius yelled back.

Ishtail watched as the conversation degraded even more, watching them banter back and forth with insults and foul language. But this wasn’t unusual in the house hold. Ishtail grabbed the Lucky Charms and sat on the sofa once again, watching some program on rape while munching on the sugar overdosed cereal. She already knew the outcome of this argument. They would go to extremes first like saying that they wish they never met, then towards the end they would kiss and make up, ending the small event telling each other that it was nothing more than a silly gripe and they would forget about it like nothing happened at all. Then the rest of the day would be normal unless something else comes up. Finally they would add the cherry on top of the day with an hour long session of angry sex around ten. That was the small routine on certain days like this. But this didn’t annoy her at all too much surprise.

It was around six thirty when dinner was served. Of course time was completely different on a demon world, they surprisingly did their best keeping track of materium time for the sake of outside life. Aetius and Vicky talked about their day and what was next to come for the week while Ishtail sat there and ate her food quietly, listing to the adult’s conversation. But today she had to bring up the important topic. It was today or never.

“Aetius… Vicky… Could you sign my permission slip for my classes’ field trip? Tomorrow is going to be the last day and I need to turn it in.”

The two of them looked at her with slight surprise. This is the first time she had brought this up.

“Sure sweetie, it’s about time that your school actually did something different. Better than that last field trip with you visiting a Necron tomb.” Vicky said.

Istail ran over back to her bag and grabbed the sheet of paper, but when she came back to the table it was too late: they were arguing furiously again. Ishtail sighed now knowing that none of them would sign it, for they were now in the deepest part of their rage. She went to her room, sighing as he plopped on her bed. Another one of the few disappointing moments in her life. But when all hope was lost, another one of her crazy ideas popped into her head to solve this problem. She could make it back in home on time if she went now, but was it worth it? Yes it was, she concluded, yes it was.

++++++​

It was her first time on titan, home of the great and mysterious grey knights chapter. She walked in through the main doors unnoticed and stood in awe at the magnificent silver and golden architecture. She could see the hundreds of servants, inquisitors and knights working about with their war against the demons of the gods. But her visit was not for a tour of the place. No, she was here because she needed to see him. All was fine and dandy until one of the grey knights spotted her. She sensed under his helm that he spotted a flaw about her… a horrible glaring flaw.

“How can this be?!” Roared the knight.

Ishtail couldn’t understand how they spotted her; she had the imperial badge on her chest. But it was too late: immediately the entire area was mobilizing against her. But it wasn’t till one of the knights screamed out that chaos had invaded their secret base. With that said, she looked down on her chest and found the eight pointed start still pinned to her eldar cloths, forgetting that she forgot to change badges. She simply un pinned the chaos badge and then reached to her back pocket and slapped on the symbol of the inquisition on her chest. She did it in the nick of time. When she looked up, hundreds of storm bolters and nemesis force weapons were pointed at her, the blades only a foot away from her face. But when they saw her badge, they withdrew their weapons and returned at ease.

“False alarm!” Cried one of them. “False alarm!”

The knights dispatched after the call, apologizing for their misidentification of the little girl.

“We are so sorry young child. For a moment we thought you were a chaos spy, but after a closer look were saw you were part of the inquisition. A thousand apologies once again.” An inquisitor said with honesty.

She watched them return to work as if nothing happened. Again Aetius was right about the galaxy: no matter what you look like, as long as you wear the faction’s symbol on you, you will fit in with them with no problem, a tactic that is stupidly fool proof.

After that little run in, Ishtail continued down the halls of the titan, searching for the particular room where he stayed. Again and again, each and every one room she peered in was not his room. Finally she had enough; she will just ask someone. Ishtail looked around to see which person she could ask, but all she could see were servants and technicians. But she finally saw someone that looked worthy of asking. She skipped over to the ornate knight in the corner, whistling on the way. She stopped in front of him, seeing that he was a great boon of a man, wielding and incredibly wicked and savage looking sword, something completely different than the standard grey knight weapon.

“Excuse me sir, but I am looking for a friend and…”

“Do not tempt me child, for I have a very sacred duty at hand! I am Castellan Crowe, wielder of the Blade of Antwyr, guardian of this demonic blade from the hands of the chaotic! I am the purist…”

“And here he goes again…” Said a distorted obnoxious voice.

Ishtail looked to see who interrupted this knight’s speech but could not find anyone except the two of them in this area. Again she looked, but no one was to be found.

“Enough demon blade, for you cannot tempt me!” Crowe spoke as he eyed his blade.

“Yeah, but I can annoy the shit out of you ******!” The blade glowed as it spoke again.

“Enough!”

“Make me asswipe. You’re stuck with me and I am going to make your life a living hell.”

“Again, thou shall not tempt me or corrupt me!” Crowe stated angrily.

“Look at me! I am the grweatest of all gwey knights! Durpy durp durp!” The blade mocked once more. 

Ishtail could sense the blade getting on Crowe’s nerves once more.

“Fine, you wan’t to play the insult game?! Well go ahead, I will not degrade myself to your antics!” Crowe stated.

“Phttpp! You degraded yourself already you stupid twat.” The blade laughed.

“Prove it!”

“Ok! Commorragh, night of September 23, M49.983.” The blade began. “It was you and that flat chested pancake butt farseer, both of you getting your freak on with donkey costumes at that Donkey show fetish club…”

“OK THAT’S ENOUGH!” Crowes yelled as he wrapped the blade furiously with a holy cloth.

“You can’t hide the truth you ******!” The blade said with a muffled voice. “You’re a dirty little fur ***!”

Ishtail looked at Crowe, his face covered with humiliation and disgrace. With that said, Crowe slowly walked away, muttering to himself about his shitty task.

“Hey, remember that one time you got so stoned that you…” The muffled sword began to speak as they both walked away.

“Oh shut up…” Were the last words Ishtail could hear from Crowe as he faded in the distance.

With that over, Ishtail continued her search for the room she needed to find… For she had to get the permission slip signed tonight from him or this would all be in vain.

++++++​


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

++++++​
She checked the main hall, the side halls and every corridor on this rock for his room but Ishtail still couldn’t find it. She has been at this for hours and asked so many people for where he is, but all have just pointed in vague directions. Her patience was running low and her desperation of getting her permission slip grew higher. By the time she checked the last hall that regular members were allowed to go through, she slumped on the floor in defeat. 

“Ah poopie…” Ishtail said to herself. “Now I will never go on that field trip.”

As she sat there on the floor with all hope drained out of her, a faint aroma passed her by. This smell was like no other to Ishtail which immediately caught her attention. The odor of booze, man sweat and broken dreams filled her eldar nose as she concentrated more on the smell. She was close.

Immediately she jumped up and followed the trail of the sent like a wild hound dog. Sprinting through the halls and corridors, her nose continued to lead her. Finally her trail stopped, the pungent odor’s origin was found. She stared up at a door with rust biting on the sides. Compared to all of the other Grey Knight private quarter’s doors, this one looked like a mess… A specific person’s mess. Without hesitation Ishtail joyfully knocked on the door. She waited for a moment, but no one answered. She tried again, but still there was no answer. On her third try she got some results. On the other side of the door she heard the sounds of a drunken heathen swearing out loud as he walked over to the door.

“This better be important you little fuckwad!” The man said on the other side. 

Ishtail stood there with a large smile on her face as the door swung open.

“Brutacus!” Ishtail screamed with delight.

“Oh fuck you!” He yelled back as he slammed the door in her face.

With the door closed, Brutacus turned around to resume what he was doing but standing right in front of him was Ishtail, still giving off that large smile.

“Oh the fuck did you get in?!” Brutacus roared.

Ishtail just stood there unchanged with the giant adorable smile on her face, hinting Brutacus the answer.

“Oh that’s right… you’re an eldar… Fucking space elves.” Brutacus mumbled.

The grey knight walked over to grab his half drunk bottle of gin while Ishtail plopped herself onto his coffee table.

“So what are you her for?” Brutacus said as he sat on the couch.

“Just saying hi…” Said Ishtail with smile.

“Bullshit… You want me to do something huh?”

“Can you sign my permission slip?” Ishtail said as she held up the wrinkled piece of paper.

“Why can’t Aetius or Vicky sign it?”

“Well I tried, but then they got into a fight and I need it signed by tomorrow and you’re the last person to go to and… yeah that’s it!”

“For the first time your reason to annoy me once more is legit.” Brutacus admitted.

“Really!?” Ishtail was surprised.

“If you tried again later with them, it wouldn’t be ‘Blood for the Blood God’ at the table; it would be ‘Porn for the Porn God’ in the bedroom.” Brutacus muttered.

“What does that mean?” Ishtail said confused.

“Don’t worry about it… Once you hit puberty it will make sense then.” Brutacus said as he walked into the kitchen to fetch a pen.

While Brutacus walked back into the kitchen, Ishtail looked around his place. She has never been inside of Brutacus’s room before. The place smelled like bourbon, beer, sex and bad deodorant. The floor was un-vacuumed and dirty, the walls were musty and smelly and the rest of the place was reminiscent of a trailer trash home to the extreme. She saw in the corner the stand that his armor is supposed to be on, but the armor itself was left in a messy pile right next to it. She found some porn magazines on the coffee table along with some empty beer bottles. The sofa didn’t look any better: stains, more bottles and a pair of underwear belonging to a wytch. Such was the state of the room that it made Ishtail slightly nauseated now she realized it.

“Ok, here you go you little brat. Now then, get out of here, I got get out of this wife beater and into my armor… got some company to meet up.” Brutacus said as he shoved the now stained permission slip in her hand.

“Oh thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!” Ishtail squealed with delight, hugging his leg.

“Ah for fucks sake.” Brutacus muttered as he kicked the child of his leg. “Now get out of here.”

But too much dismay, the child didn’t leave.

“I said get out!”

“But I wana see your place more! And I’m thirsty and hungry!” She said.

“No! I told you I-“

“PLEASE!!!??” Ishtail begged in the most adorable manner.

Brutacus face palmed himself. “Fine! I will fix you a snack, but then you have to fuck off!”

“YEAAAA!!!” Ishtail screamed victoriously.

“God dam child…” Brutacus mumbled as he walked back into the kitchen again.

Ishtail followed behind him into the pig sty of a kitchen. Unsurprisingly the kitchen was just as ugly as the main room: The floors were slightly sticky and the sink was dominated by dirty dishes. Brutacus reached into the fridge to grab a beer and a block of cheddar cheese. He set the two items down in front of Ishtail on the kitchen table.

“There! This is about as safe of food as you can eat here.” He presented.
Ishtail looked at the cheese and found its edges to be moldy and dry, while the beer itself was just pure alcohol.

“Is that it?” She asked as her left eye brow rose.

“What?! You want some vodka and dried out ritz crackers instead?” He sarcastically suggested.

“You know what? I’m not hungry any more” Ishtail said as she left her set, completely grossed out over the food.

“Fine then you little shit. Get out of here and go home”

Ishtail grabbed her slip and walked out of Brutacus’s place. Once she crossed the threshold, the door behind her slammed shut, with the familiar sounds of vulgar language coming from the other side.

++++++​


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

++++++​

“Ok kids, I hope you brought your lunches and a nice coat today, for it will be a bit chilly on Iyanden. Now then let’s hustle over to the webway, were already behind schedual.”

The students proceeded to get out of their desks and line up neatly as they followed Idranel out of the class room. While the students walked behind in a semi automatonic manner, Ishtail skipped and hopped behind everyone else, rejoicing to herself about being liberated from a stuffy classroom for a day. The students then met up with their armed chaperons as they entered the webway itself. After an hour navigating through the nether transit system, the class arrived at Iyanden’s gate. The dusty webway door opened up to a sight that they never expected. The students looked in awe at the Tyranid destroyed world, its spires and beautiful buildings now lay in ruins. Among the ruins of the once proud craftworld were some left over tyranid hides and bones, dotting the landscape as a reminder to all of their power and impact.

“Students, to remind you of the rules while were here you are not allowed to leave the sight of me or the guardians. Also please refrain from touching or playing on unsafe structures. Don’t forget- ISHTAIL! Get over here!”

Ishtail stood above the students and chaperones on a crumbled building, wearing the empty skull of a lictor on her head.

“Get down here at once!” Idranel ordered.

“Rarrr!!” Ishtail roared as she imitated a lictor.

One of the guardians went off to get her, but as he drew closer Ishtail leaped onto another pile of rubble. Again the guardian pursued her but every step he took Ishtail took another step away. Finally the guardian had enough and sprinted after her. When he was about an arm’s reach from her, Ishtail jumped into an abandoned cellar of a large and dark building. Sighing at the sight of this, the guardian climbed down after her into the darkness. However, the cellar was much darker and deeper than he anticipated; the only light source was the opening in which he came down from.

“Little child… come here, we need to get back to the group otherwise you will be in big trouble.” The guardian softly spoke.

No reply. The guardian soon felt the fear that the child might be hurt from the fall or even worse… dead. He continued to search in the pitch black darkness, using his feet and hands to guide him along the walls. Eventually he felt what was the end of the cellar room. Instead of blindly searching on, the guardian proceeded to head back up the small shaft which he and Ishtail entered, thinking that he could get some of the other guardians to help. He was about to reach the top of the opening, but little did he know that something was waiting for him at the top.

“RARRR!!!”

The guardian screamed as he fell back down in the cellar as Ishtail popped up from out of nowhere. She watched the man hit the ground with a loud bone breaking sound followed by a terrible cry. She took off the skull to get a better look at him but she could see nothing through the thick darkness. She contemplated on what to do, freaking out as she heard his cries of pain and howls of agony. Should she go down and help him like a good Samaritan or leave him be like the lazy butt she it?

“Are you ok?” She asked worried.

“No! I am perfectly fine! What do you think?!” The guardian sarcastically cried back.

“Should I get someone?”

“Of course not! I will just drag my paralyzed lower body up these steep steps with my one functional hand while I bleed internally near my spine! I am totally fine!” 

“Ok, if you’re fine then I will see you later.”

The guardian was shocked to see his sarcasm fly over the child’s head as she turned around and left. He cried for Ishtail for help, but it was too late. Ishtail skipped back to her group, blissfully believing that he was okay. When she did return to the class however, Idranel wasn’t too happy.

“Dammit Ishtail! As soon as I say something that you are not supposed to do, you go off and do it!” Idranel scorned as Ishtail returned.

“I’m sorry, but this place is so boring” Ishtail complained. “I just wanted to have fun.”

“This is an important field trip and I don’t want any screw ups like putting your life in jepordy! Acting like this will get you killed like the loss of D’yyalrd when we went to the Nightbringer’s tomb world! So behave!”

“You mean D’yyalrd and Mithilarius along with the four chaperons…” Ishtail quietly corrected.

“That’s not the point here!” Idranel said as she waved her arms in the air out of frustration “The point is that I want things to go without a hitch… Now then, where the hell is that guardian?”

“Uhhhmmmm…. He said he needed to go take a poopy.” Ishtail lied.

“Oh for the love of Khaine… Fine then, let us continue children.”

The students followed Idranel once more until they reached a lookout point. From there the group could see the entire ruined landscape of Iyanden. Again the landscape was dotted with the tyranid dead and the ruined structures. It was a completely dead world.

“About twenty years ago this used to be a proud and wonderful craftworld” Idranel began “It was home to some of the proudest eldar and to the greatest fleet that ever existed. It was destroyed when hive fleet Leviathan attacked, in which it wiped out the entire population. Ever since, we have left this world alone as a reminder of the terrible power the tyranids have. As you see there is no hope of this world ever recovering-”

“Hey look!” Ishtail yelled.

The group looked and saw a small group of eldar in rugged dirty clothing picking up reusable materials in the distance as if they were trying to rebuild something. Their incredibly faded clothing bore the faint colors and symbols of the late craftworld to much of the group’s surprise. Idranel saw this and leaned over to one of the guardians and whispered an order into his ear. The next thing the students saw was the guardians hunting down and killing the last remaining Iyanden eldar mercilessly. With a few shrieks and screams of agony, the last survivors of Iyanden were killed. The students just stood there with their eyes wide open and their mouths to the ground in disbelief at what just happened.

“Anyways students, as I was saying before there are no living survivors of Iyanden left. Now, who’s ready for some lunch?” Idnarel said with a light smile.

++++++​


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

++++++​

It was a long and tiresome field trip. The students were exhausted from walking around on rough ground and were shivering from the uncomfortably cold weather. Seeing the state of these whiney children, Idranel and the guardians decided that the field trip was over. They gathered them and then lead the student body back to the rusty and dirty webway gate. But before they entered, Idranel stopped them.

“Ok students. Before we enter I would like to know three things that you all learned today. This is in place of your writing reflection for this week. Anyone want to begin?”

Idranel looked upon the kids as they tried to come up with some facts they learned from this miserable trip.

“Ok Qual’kek, what did you learn today?”

“I learned that… uh… that the tyranids are really bad…” Said the child.

Idranel rolled her eyes “Ok then, very good. Anyone else?”

“I have a one! I have one!” Ishtail called out.

“Anyone besides Ishtail?” Idranel asked as she ignored her.

“Oh please oh please oh please I have one!!!”

Again Idranel ignored Ishtail squirming in the back for attention.

“Anyone else?”

“I HAVE ONE I HAVE ONE!”

“FINE!!!! What did you learn today Ishtail?” Replied a very annoyed Idranel.

“I learned what a dirty sanchez is from Kyle.”

“KYLE!” Screamed Idranel in disgust.

“What? Me and Ishtail heard the guardians talking about it during lunch and she didn’t know what it was so I told her.” Kyle replied innocently. “Also, what is a ‘dirty hippo’? They were talking about that as well.”

Idranel turned around and eyed the guardians, shaming them with her disgusted glare as they stepped backed with guilty.

“Ok, let’s head back to class so we conclude this dam day…”

Again the students followed the stressed out farseer through the webway. They continued again through the nether and mystic passage until they arrived at their gate. But strangely enough, there was an identical gate right next to it, something that was not there before. Idranel and the guardians paused as to decide which one was their gate since they could not tell them apart. Confused about this problem, one of the guardians decided to ask the maintenance crew down the way to see which gate was to Ulthwe.

“Ok students, we are having some technical problems with our webway gate here but it shouldn’t take long. So please be patient and don’t do anything drastic.” Idranel addressed.

While the students waited patiently as told, Ishtail could barely contain herself. Such was the magnitude of boringness of the trip that she wanted to be home now. Every second of waiting here with everyone was driving her slowly insane. Every minute of time passed by was pure pain. She wanted to be on the sofa watching Arrested Development season 4 this instant, but this technical problem was holding her back. There was no way out of this stalling moment… or was there?

Ishtail quietly slipped away from the group and walked over to the two gates. With the gates being exactly the same, she decided that the choice could only be decided through a game of Eeny Meeny Miney Moe.

“Eeny Meeny Miney Moe, catch a ork by the toe, if he waaaghs let him go, eeny meeny miney moe.” She spoke softly.

She ended up picking the one on the left. Ishtail looked over her shoulder to see if anyone was watching, but so far no one noticed her so she began to work on the lock pad. Soon with a few lucky taps on the dial and on the panel, the gate unleashed a mighty whoosh! Her ticket back to Ulthwe was now open. While this act did catch some attention among the students, they did nothing only but to watch Ishtail gleefully hop through the portal.

The guardians and Idranel came back with the maintenance crew after a while. When they approached the patient students, they found them to be gathered around the webway gate on the left, as if something horrible happened.

“What is going on here?” Asked Idranel.

“Ishtail went through the gate.” One of the kids said.

There was a pause after that from Idranel. Everyone watched her face turn bright red with pure rage.

“WHAT!?” Idranel screamed.

“She went through the gate…” The child replied softly.

“FUCKING DAMMIT!” Idranel stomped. “WHEN I GET THAT CHILD I WILL WRING THE LIFE OUT OF HER! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF HER IMMATURE BULLSHIT!”

“Well by the looks of it you won’t be seeing that child anytime soon, maybe never.” Said a maintenance crew member.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!”

“That’s not the gate to Ulthwe.”

“YOU GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME?!” Idranel shrieked.

“Well mam, you see the reason why that gate was up was that we were seeing if we could get it locked up for a while, for it is the gate that leads to the system of Alexix, which is as of right now under attacked by the Blood Angels. But from what as we could see here is that she got through before we could wield the final lock. I’m terribly sorry about this ordeal ma’m.” Apologized the maintenance crew member. 

Idranel buried her face in her palms, silently whimpering to herself about such a horrible situation and the high stress that this stupid child has caused.

“Is there any way we can go in and get her back?!” She cried.

“I’m afraid not. It’s a one way gate.”

++++++​


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

forgot to say, but pointing out as usual constructive criticism is always welcomed!


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## arturslv (May 12, 2010)

All I could find was some grammar errors, but otherwise, the story's just fiiiiiine... ^_^


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

arturslv said:


> All I could find was some grammar errors, but otherwise, the story's just fiiiiiine... ^_^


I'll eventually go back over that then later, but other than that I am glad you are enjoying it so far. More soon to come!


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

With little free time on my hands, here is what I got so far peeps! Enjoy.

++++++​
It was another day all by herself in the house hold. With Aetius out at work and Ishtail at school, Vicky busied herself with polishing her hell blades and other various weapons. She never thought of her life ever to be so docile when she got married, but yet again she wasn’t complaining about it. In fact, she quite enjoyed this peace, a great change from her father and mother bantering back and forth on pathetic subjects. To simply put it in her terms, life was great. 

With her final blade sharpened and cleaned off, Vicky was done with her plans for the day. But before she could think of anything else to do, the phone rang in the kitchen.

“Hello?” She answered.

“Is this the residence of Ishtail’s family?” Said a female on the other end.
“Why yes it is? Who is this?”

There was a slight pause on the other end. “This is Idranel, her teacher on Ulthwe. I suppose I am talking to Victoria… Ishtail’s mother correct?”

“You got that right. What is this about?”

“Well, this might be hard to take all in at once but… we lost your daughter during our field trip to Iyanden…” Idranel said nervously.

“WHAT?!” Vicky screamed in fury.

“Well yes, you see here, uh, we were going through the webway back to Ulthwe and she apparently ran ahead and went through a wrong gate and according to our info she ended up on a world that…is… under attack by the Blood Angels. Did I also mention that it is a one way gate?”

There was a slight pause after the explanation. Not just some regular pause, but that kind of silence right before a volcano erupts… a terrible angry volcano.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” Vicky roared.

Vicky heard on the other side Idranel falling off her chair after she yelled, such rage and hate through the line was too powerful for mortal ears to withstand. She could hear Idranel then scramble to get up and pick up the phone once more.

“I am terribly sorry, we are doing everything we can to get your child back! Now please calm down, I…”

“CALM DOWN?! I’M COMING OVER TO KICK YOUR ASS THEN SHOVE THIS HELL BLADE UP YOU BUTT!! YOU HEAR THAT!?!! THAT’S CALM DOWN FOR ME BITCH!”

“Please! We are going everything in our power to get her back right now! We’re sorry for this to ever happen in the first place!” Idranel apologized frantically.

“OH YOU BETTER!! IN THE MEANTIME I GOING TO FUCK YOU UP SO BAD THAT YOU SWEAR YOU HAD AN ELDRITCH STORM SHOVED DOWN IN YOUR UTERIS!”

Vicky could hear then on the other side of the line Idranel and a group of eldar frantically talking about what to do and how to solve this situation. But their unpreparedness infuriated Vicky even more.

“YOU GUYS ARE’NT EVEN PREPARED?!” She screamed furiously.

“Well you see, we were just devising a complicated and expensive scheme that is so over the top to get your daughter back and..”

“THAT’S IT! I’M GETTING MY BABY BACK MYSELF! AND WHEN I AM DONE, I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU ALL A WHOLE NEW DEFINITION OF PAIN!” 

There was a click after that on the other end for Idranel. She and a few counseling warlocks just stood there in silence, pondering and thinking about that entire conversation with the quite upset mother. Idranel turned around in her seat and looked at the warlocks.

“Well my fellow kin, looks like by the end of this story we will be dead in some sort of form or way… So in other words, whos up for some degrading debauchery? Might as well have some fun before we all get murdered…”

++++++​


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

Aetius sat in his desk working away on the new batch of cultist recruit papers. He was about to finish the last of the documents before her heard a loud and angry knock on his door.

“Come in.” He said without even looking up.

The door then swung open with fury. Aetius looked up and saw the angry face of a bloated nurgle Champion.

“Is this the office of the head department of cultist recruitment?!” The champion bellowed with anger.

“Why yes it is… can I help you with anything?”

“Yes! I would like to file a complaint of racism that happened in the Nurgle locker room today!”

“Take a seat then” Aetius said as he waved his hand towards the extra chair in the room.

The champion nodded and was about to walk in, but he jolted back, like as if something just stopped him from moving. Aetius looked up to see the champion was now analyzing the door frame, finding himself to be too fat and bloated to simply walk through. The champion, though angry and ticked, gave Aetius the notion that he needed help getting in his office. Aetius understood the silly situation and pulled out a stick of butter from his desk. He walked over and started to grease the door frame until it was thoroughly glazed. After that, the champion then started to squeeze himself through the door.

“Sorry about this inconvenience” The champion apologized “I filed a complaint about the doors being too slim for us plague marines around here last week… and so far no response. It would be nice to move through without having to grease every door frame…”

Aetius rolled his eyes at this pathetic sight, watching the marine wriggle and squirm as he was half way over the threshold. But within moments the marine was finally through, leaving the door frame horribly damaged behind. Aetius again jester his hand to the seat in front of his desk. After both were settled, the plague marine began his rant.

“As I said before, I am here to file a personal complaint about an act of racism that was posted in the Nurgle locker room today!”

“Posted?” Aetius asked with a raised eye brow.

The champion then pulled out a picture and slammed it on the desk. Aetius looked at the picture carefully.

“It’s just a photo of Billy Mays and a bottle of Oxyclean. How is that racist?” Aetius chuckled.

“How is it racist?! That man and his product have caused more damage and hurt to the children of Nurgle than anyone else! His cleaning power and healthy life style is nothing more than an ignorant insult to us! This is about, if not more, as racist as an eldar calling a human a double mon-keigh! I am shocked that you are not taking this situation seriously!” The plague marine raged. “He is like Hitler to the Jews! Nothing more than a genocidal maniac of pure racism!”

Aetius sighed at how stupid this was.

“Look, I will try to find the culprit of this ‘horrible’ act and bring this to justice. Until the meantime, I am terribly sorry for this act of ignorance. I’ll do what I can to find this arrogant and ignorant person.”

“You better find him! Or I will sue this place!”

The plague marine champion got up and once again squeezed his way out the door furiously, muttering about the lack of tolerance towards the plague marines around here. Once gone, Aetius face palmed himself over this ordeal, agreeing that this was one of the more dumber things he has witnessed in his life. He then picked up the phone and began to dial a very familiar number. Within moments someone on the other side picked up.

“Arhiman this is Aetius.”

“Whats up?”

Aetius sighed again “Did you post a picture of Billy Mays with a bottle of Oxyclean in the Nurgle locker room today?”

There was a pause before a reply was heard.

“Maybe…” Arhiman replied slowly.

“Dude… You’re such an ass. Why do you keep doing these things? I’m tired of cleaning up your antics you know?”

Arhiman laughed “Wait till you see what I did to the Khornite locker room!”

“Dear god don’t tell me…”

“Oh I will!” Arhiman laughed even harder. “I posted a picture of…”

The office door all of a sudden exploded off its hinges. A large figure in red and bronze then tore through the room towards Aeitus, destroying everything in his path. He stopped right in front of desk full of fury and anger. It was Kharn. He then slammed a picture on the desk with such force as it almost broke it.

“WHAT IS THIS DOING IN OUR LOCKER ROOM?!”

Aetius put the phone on hold and picked up the picture. It was a picture of John Lennon holding a sign saying ‘peace, love and hippies’. Aetius picked up the phone again and took it off hold.

“Arhiman… I fucking hate you…”


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## dandan1350 (Apr 22, 2010)

more more more!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## snarst (Aug 22, 2009)

ROFL

I like the first one better but it has the same pattern. Starts slow and picks up pace and just keeps going and makes you lol more and more till you can't wait for the rest.


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

[email protected] said:


> more more more!!!!!!!!!!!!


you got it!


++++++​

Aetius slowly walked up the last flight of stairs to his beloved condo, eager to rest. After a long day of dealing with plague marines, Kharn and a constipated obliterator, this just added even more desire to hit the sack at home. Opening the door with a relaxed smile on his face, Aetius walked into the condo ready to kick it. But to his surprise the apartment was not the same as it was before this morning. The walls had giant gashes and holes and the furniture was destroyed and ravaged. The living room resembled more of a war zone than a place to live. Even the kitchen itself was completely obliterated. This had him worried deeply. Did someone break in and tore up the place for fun? Were they robbed? However, a more important question arised; where was Vicky and was she okay? Aetius searched the entire place to find his spouse but she couldn’t be found. He then checked the bedroom. Pushing the door opened, he looked inside only to find it as well destroyed and mangled. But there too much relief, sat Vicky on the bed, wielding a hell blade with her trembling hand.

“Honey? What happened to our condo?” Aetius asked slowly.

Vicky had a face of constrained rage and hate, biting down on her lower lip as if it was a dam holding back a flood. Aetius could see she was deeply upset, probably the reason why the place looked like ground zero. He carefully sat down next to her, giving enough space to herself but close enough so not to look distant.

“Babe, are you all right?”

Vicky slowly turned her head “They lost our baby.”

“What?” Aetius said confused.

“They lost Ishtail on the field trip…” Vicky again said slowly with great constraint. “They lost her on a world that is under siege by the Blood Angels.”

“They lost her on the field trip?!”

She lost it.

“THAT’S WHAT I FUCKING SAID DIP SHIT!”

Aetius reeled back onto the floor through that fury of rage. He then slowly picked himself up.

“How the hell did that happen?!”

“SHE WENT THROUGH THE WRONG WEB WAY GATE AND THEY DID NOTHING!!” Vicky furiously screamed.

Aetius could tell by her eyes that this situation was real. 

“I thought the field trip was supposed to be one hundred percent safe?!”

“WELL IT WASN’T! THOSE LYING SPACE ELVES!” Vicky screamed.

Their only dear adopted child, was now lost and alone on a hostile world.

“Okay, just calm down! We can find her and bring her back safely! Please just calm down and lets figure this out.”

“CALM DOWN?! FOR ALL WE KNOW SHE MIGHT BE DEAD!”

Vicky then buried her head into Aetius’s chest, weeping with bitter hate and sadness. 

“Don’t worry honey, I can find her and she will be okay. I promise.” Aetius said as to calm her down.

“How the fuck are you going to manage that?!” She sobbed.

“We did it in the last story, we can do it again.”

Vicky felt his soothing words and sat up again. She sniffed and looked at him deeply in his eyes.

“Are you going by yourself?” She quietly asked.

“No… I will be taking Brutacus... he has the most resources to get around the Imperium and…”

Vicky then screamed and wept furiously again. Aetius at first was perplexed on why he would be such a bad person to take along according to Vicky’s wails, but then he realized actually how terrible he was. In fact, he would probably better off without him. But hey, he was in the last one, might as well be in this one. It would be stupid for him just to have a cameo.

After Vicky calmed herself down, Aetius decided that it was best to leave as soon as possible. Grabbing his coat Aetius kissed Vicky good bye as he headed out the door, saying that he would promise to call as much as possible. She heard him rush down the stairs and out of the complex. She stood there for a moment, thinking over this terrible situation.

“Now that I think about it… We’re not going to find her within the next couple of posts.” Vicky muttered to herself.

She grabbed her coat and a hell blade followed out as well.

++++++​

The alarm clock rang its eight o’clock alarm. Brutacus, lying face first in his pillows, threw out his arm and smashed the plastic clock.

“God dammit, can a marine with a hangover sleep on his own time?” He muttered.

Brutacus slowly rose out of his bed. He staggered as he got up and walked to the kitchen, muttering about the binge from last night and the shitty bars in Commorragh. Opening the fridge, he looked inside to see what would satiate his grey knight hunger. Several packs of beer, a jug of orange juice, moldy cheese and left over cake from Lillith’s birthday party were all there was in the near empty fridge. Brutacus reached over and grabbed the block of cheese. He looked at how much mold and mildew was on the crusty dairy product.

“Ehhh, the betcher’s gland should take care of this mold…”

Brutacus then swallowed and chewed the hunk of cheese with little effort. Once that was consumed he reached in and grabbed the cake and orange juice. He looked at the orange juice for a second and decided to throw it away.

“Way too many healthy things in that stuff…” he said as he tossed the jug into the trash.

He reached in the fridge one last time and pulled out a six pack. He then dumped the piece of cake and six pack into a blender. He was just about to pulverize his nasty concoction when a large knock was heard on the door. Annoyed at this early morning guest, Brutacus walked over to the door to see who it was.

“This better be important…” He grumbled while pulling the door open.

Standing in front of him was Aetius, all dressed in his cultist like robes and attire, with the only thing remotely imperial on him being the half assed stitched Inquisitor Signum on his chest.

“Hey Bruta- OH MY GOD!”

Aetius jumped back at the sight of Brutacus bear body.

“Whats the matter with you ***?” Brutacus laughed “Can’t take a little nudity once in a while?”

“Well to keep it into simple terms, your ‘little grey knight’ down there looks like it’s been through a wood chipper” Aetius said while shielding his eyes away from Brutacus’s crotch.

“Oh hahaha very funny… Now get in queermo. If it makes you happy Mr. Morals, I’ll go put on my power armor.”

Aetius walked into the dirty pig sty as Brutacus went into the back room. In some way Aetius thought to himself that this messy stinky apartment was Brutacus’s mind incarnate: a dirty mess of broken dreams, man sweat and xeno whore. Shifting through some stuff and sitting down on the most ‘reasonable’ part of the coutch, Aetius made himself comfortable while waiting for the marine to don his armor.

“You know I gotta hand it to ya… This place makes Nurgle’s Gardens look clean.” Aetius laughed.

“I heard that you ass! It was cleaner before!” Brutacus yelled from the back room.

“Clean? How did you manage to clean this dump?”

“Draigo was here about a week ago, preaching to the choir about how awesome he is and how he can do anything. So I told that bastard that if he could anything how about he goes clean the shit up from my place.” Brutacus said as he walked out in his armor.

“Well? How did that go?”

“He gave up half way through, bullshitting about how he needed to go defeat another demon horde. He couldn’t do it. Draigo is full of shit, just like Crowe and his annoying smartass sword.”

Brutacus crashed in on a chair opposite of the couch.

“So what are you here for?” He asked as he cracked open a cold one.

Aetius gave a look of concern at Brutacus.

“Well, apparently Ishtail got cut off from her class on the way back from the field trip to Iyaden and is now lost on a world that is under attack by the Blood Angels in full force… and I need your help to get her. Look, I know you don’t like her that much, but be a friend here and help me get her back.”

“Okay then, let’s go” Brutacus agreed.

“Wait what?...”

“Well first off, I have to come along with you, seeing this is a sequel and I was one of the main characters from the first one. Second, if I didn’t go along, who is to fill the spot of the secondary character? A dyslexic eldar ranger? A Tau that believes in capitalism? A mormon demonette? Come on here! You can’t replace a drunken vulgar xeno banging grey knight! That’s almost near impossible! So in other words, I have no choice but to help you out. If I don't, well there goes the author's audience.” 

“You got a point there…” Aetius admitted.

“Now then, let’s get this started. I want to end this story before the entire second season of Magnum P.I. arrives from Amazon.”

Without further ado, the two of them got off of their butts and proceeded out of the messy apartment.

“You know I have to admit.” Aetius began as they walked down the halls of Titan. “This so called super secrete grey knight fortress has shitty defenses and terrible security check points.”

“Yeah I know… Once and a while I see cultist here and there spray painting symbols on the walls. So much for the ‘unlimited funding’ crap. All went to the new stupid Grey Knight Codex…” Brutacus Muttered. “After that, pensions got cut in half and nearly half of the staff has been replaced by cheap illegal immigrants.”

“Whatever, let’s just go find Ishtail lest something really terrible happens to her.” 

++++++​


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## dandan1350 (Apr 22, 2010)

more more more! i love this! you sir can make warhammer funny, which is a hard thing to do.


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

[email protected] said:


> more more more! i love this! you sir can make warhammer funny, which is a hard thing to do.


Thank you much kind sir. I write to entertain and my best medium is through humor and satire. I will be trying to post bigger blocks now instead of short tid bits. But again, I am glad you are enjoying this.


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

++++++​

They arrived on the surface of Alexix Prime in the Alexix system two days later. Stepping off a stolen Grey Knight’s ship under Draigo’s name, Aetius and Brutacus walked onto the hard and dusty surface of Alexix Prime’s capital city of Achoo. Upon sight of the city, it was easy to tell that this was not a very pleasant place to be at the moment. Best described as a Waffle House’s kitchen after a charge of C4 went off, Achoo was war ravaged.

“Well… I can defiantly see that this is no place for a child.” Aetius joked.

Knowing well if they were to find Ishtail alive they would have to move quickly. Taking the words of what Vicky said earlier, this planet was supposed to be under occupation of the Blood Angels. But after wondering around the blasted city for a while, they found no signs of them.

“So where the fuck are these emo angles?” Brutacus said with frustration.

“Ah calm down… They still have to be around here. The ship’s reader told us that they were still in the area.”

“Yeah, and the ship's reader told us that there would be a restroom by here as well and guessed what that turned out to be? A fucking Taco Bell.”

“To be honest I think Taco Bell and a restroom are the same: they both smell like shit and both taste like shit. So don't blame the reader because of that.”

Still keeping an eye out, Brutacus and Aetius continued to wander around the dead streets. Finally after another hour of random walking, they spotted two figures in the distance, donning armor of blood red. Reluctant to actually find anyone here in the first place, the two of them rushed over to the marines.

“Excuse me, do you know where a girl…”

“We are sorry civilian; we do not have time to help you here, for we are busy with more important things.” One of the angels said as he cut off Aetius.

“You don’t understand here, I need to…”

“Do not pester us with your trouble. Again, leave us.” The marine once more interrupted.

Aetius was getting annoyed at this stereotypical austere and stoic attitude from this marine. Turning around and grabbing from out of his back pocket, Aetius replaced his Imperial Eagle on his chest and replaced it with the Inquisitor Seal.

“As Inquisitor, I demand your help in seeking this child!” Aetius commanded.
“Again civilian we…”

The two marines then saw his badge of Imperial authority and realized the importance of this man now.

“We are sorry for our attitude Inquisitor! What is it that you seek of then?”

Aetius pulled out his wallet and took out a picture of Ishtail and showed it to them.

“Have you seen this child?”

The two marines looked and analyzed the photo, muttering to themselves about ever meeting such a child. They then handed back the photo and apologized.

“I am sorry inquisitor for we have not seen the child ourselves.”

Aetius looked at Brutacus and decided to head off finding that they were of no help, but before they took take one step away, one of the marines spoke.

“By the way Inquisitor Aetius… How important is it that you must find this child?”

Aetius paused for a moment, now thinking to himself that this could be his ticket on helping finding his daughter.

“Well you see here…Uhhh… She has in possession of something very important to the Imperium and it is top secret.” Aetius lied.

“How important?” The marine asked again.

Aetius walked over to the two giant marines and leaned into them.

“Between you and me, that child has in possession of the second season of Firefly.” Aetius whispered. “That’s why I need to get her now and that’s how important it is… Do you understand?”

Though no one can tell what facial expressions are expressed under space marine helmets, one could sense the marine’s eyes widening with understanding on how important this situation it was.

“Something important like this must be brought to the attention of our Chapter Master!” The marine yelled.

So off like lightning, the two Blood Angels escorted Aetius and Brutacus to their main camp in downtown Achoo. From there the news of this important child-hunt spread like wildfire among the Blood Angels in the Alexix system. Within the hour, Aetius and Brutacus were sent off to the main leading battle barge of “Some-cool-name-for-a-space-ship”. Upon arrival, they were greeted by several captains and officers with utmost respect and reverence, for as an inquisitor’s arrival is nothing to be treated lightly. The next thing they knew, Aetius and Brutacus found themselves in the great hall for a meeting among the captains and chaplains of the Blood Angels with this great man hunt of utter importance.

“Well… this is not what I expected…” Aetius whispered to Brutacus.

“Well it doesn’t matter! It’s pretty kickass how they serve us free beer and CheezeIts for a meeting like this! The last meet I had like this was with the Imperial Fists, and you know what they served? Soilet Green Crackers! An insult to the Emperor’s name that’s what I tell ya!” Brutacus said as he shoved another handful of the addicting white powdered crackers
.
An hour had passed since they’ve sat down for this grand and important meeting. Aetius, being a little impatient, leaned over to the captain on his left to ask about this long delay.

“Why hasn’t the meeting started?” He whispered.

“We are waiting on the behalf of Master Commander Dante.” The captain replied quietly.

Aetius returned to sitting up properly after that, continuing to wait for Dante. But in the same manner like he did, the captain on his left leaned over and whispered into his ear.

“I might as well tell you now about Dante so his actions don’t seem so ‘strange’ to say. Dante… He… He suffers a mixed combination of uncontrollable rage and… swearing tourettes syndrome. While at first this sounds like something that a great leader cannot possess, he…”

“What?” Aetius looked at him in disbelief.

“Yes I know… It is most terrible of him to be stricken by such a problem. But still, we respect him no matter what offensive and rude things he blurts out and…”

The entire room froze as the sounds of vulgar vocabulary suddenly echoed out from the outside hall. Slang inappropriate terms of feces and buttocks slowly grew louder as the thumps of footsteps came closer to the main doors. It was only a few moments then that the doors burst open with pointless fury. Aetius and Brutacus had seen pictures of Dante before, but never before have had they ever imagined him to look like this. He was in his golden ornate armor as usual, but he was without his death mask. Instead they saw the head of a bald man with beaten glasses and a look that can only be achieved through depriving yourself of sleep for three weeks and drinking FourLoco with every meal. But to top it all off, Dante was wearing a neck brace to control what looked like a spasm problem with his neck muscles. Too much dismay and entertainment, the captain was right.

“ALL RIGHT!” Dante yelled “WHO WRINCKLED MY RANDY TRAVESE POSTER, PISSED THE SEAT AND HID MY KEYS!?”

The room was quiet while Dante waited for an answer.

“****!” He screamed as he took his seat at the head of the hall. “Okay, what the do you want inquisitor?… SHIT!”

Aetius and Brutacus could barely hold in their amusement over this strange behavior of such a great man, but Aetius held back his urge to laugh and forced upon himself a serious face, reminding himself that this is serious matters.

“I am looking for a child according to these looks.” Aetius said as he passed down the photo of Ishtail. “It is very important that she should be found immediately, for she is in possession of something of great and secret importance.” 

Dante snatched the picture and looked at it upside down for a few seconds.

“PISS!” Dante yelled as he threw the picture back at Aeitus. “I Don’t give a fuck!”

“Honorable Dante, I don’t think you understand how important this is…”

“BALL SACK! I’ll start giving a shit when our kitchen garbage disposal stops sounding like Chewbacca taking a shit!” Dante interrupted.

“But you see…”

“BOB SAGET!!”

Now coming to realization that not only Dante didn’t care for the situation unlike everyone else, but it was also impossible to talk to him at the same time. But still Aetius tried to find some sort of help out of this meeting.

“Well, do you have anyone who have might…”

“ASS!” Dante yelled.

“*ahem* anyone who have might have seen this…”

“BUUUUUTTTT FUUUUUUCKKKK!” Dante interrupted once more, this time slamming his fists on the table.

Aetius wasn’t going to try to push this anymore. Rather than fighting against a man who doesn’t understand a single point of logic or verbal restraint, Aetius decided to conclude the meeting. But before all could depart from their seats, Dante had one final word.

“Now then! Before all you ass lickers go take a SHIT! I would like to remind you ASS all one last thing! PISSING OUT THE WINDOW AND SHITTING OUT THE WINDOW ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!!!” Dante screamed with fury. “NOW THEN! I’m going to take a two hour shit and then go watch my Mighty Ducks movies! PISS!!”

Dante then jumped up and flipped over his chair with pointless rage, stomping off while yelling out sporadic words of litany and crass. Aetius nodded to Brutacus that they might as well find another lead instead of staying here on the battle barge with the Blood Angels, but as soon as they were about to leave the room, a hand grabbed Aetius by the shoulder.

“I may have a lead for you two on the whereabouts of this child you seek…” Said a deep voice.

The two turned around only to face one of the most respected chaplains in the whole Imperium: Lemartes.

“The last I saw the child is when some of the angels escorted the civilian populace to the space port in the outer skirts of Achoo. She was loaded on one of the crafts that headed towards the world of Armageddon. Quiet odd if you ask me for a civilian populace to find refuge. I hope that is enough for now Inquisitor.” He said calmly.

“Odd for her to end up on Armageddon? No my friend… that’s what we call a plot device.” Brutacus muttered.

“Well thank you very much Lemartes, the Inquisition greatly appreciates your help and something like this will not go unrewarded. I shall put in a good word.” Aetius said with gratitude, ignoring Brutacus’s sarcastic remark.

Lermates tipped his Crozius in an act of farwell and left the room, leaving the two alone.

“Look at you and acting all like an Inquisitor!” Brutacus mocked Aetius. “Whats next? An Exterminatus?”

“Hey, don’t mess with the badge here buddy! It’s our ticket around this stupid galaxy anyways.”

“True to that… but I am always shocked, if you ask me, that no one sees the obvious that you are a cultist wherein a inquisitor badge.” Brutacus chuckled.

“Well… let’s put it this way… Thank the Emperor that 99.99999999999% of the galaxy is nothing more than a bunch of idiots.” Aetius said as he started to walk out of the hall.

“Then what happens if we run into someone who isn’t an idiot?” Brutacus asked as he followed.

“Well… given by that question we might run into someone who isn’t an idiot in this story… Never mind, let’s get out of here. I’m tired of the lack of intelligent dialog in this part of the story.”

"It only gets worse bro..."

+++++​


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

Blagh! I got a little time today to write this short part. More to come very soon though.

++++++​

All she could recall was that as soon as she stepped out of that webway, she was grabbed by two large marines and hauled into a large transport with groups of fearful civilians. She remembered them saying something about evacuating the civilian populace and sending them off to a safer haven for the meantime. She tried to tell the marines and troops that this was a mistake and she needed to go back home, but they took no attention to her cries and tossed her in the giant transport ship. She tired to kicked and fight back to get off, but such was the density of the people in the hold that she could not make it to the loading doors. But it was too late when she did reach the doors; they were off the ground. Being defeated in her fight, Ishtail moved to the corner of the holding room and sat down, hugging her legs in the process. She was now officially lost and alone. Scared and tired, Ishtail whimpered about her back luck in the corner.

“Hey there little girl. Are you looking for your mommy and daddy?”

She looked up to see a rugged man in a flank vest and imperial uniform. It has been hours since anyone had said a word to her and though her heart was heavy, Ishtail was more than happy to reply.

“My mommy and daddy aren’t here…” She spoke back softly.

“Awww, I’m sorry to hear that… It must be terrible to know that you are alone.”

Ishtail sniffed and nodded at those words. “Can you help me find them and take me home?” She asked oh so innocently.

“I’m sorry little girl, but I don’t have the power to do that at the moment.” The man apologized.

Ishtail began to whimper louder at knowing now she can’t return home. But the man upon seeing this felt his heart turn soft.

“There there little girl… We will find you a home and a place to stay for the meantime when we land…”

“Where then? Will it be a good place?” Ishtail sniffed.

“Oh it will be a good place little girl.” The man smiled. “I promise you that you’ll stay in the nicest and safest place with the happiest people in the galaxy.”

“Really?” 

The man whistled over two guardsmen across the room to come over and bring some extra ‘stuff’. When they came over, the man grabbed Ishtail and set her up on her feet properly. He then threw her a small flank vest, gas mask and lasgun.

“What’s this?...” Ishtail asked.

“You are now officially in the Imperial Guard little girl!” The man smiled proudly.

“Wait, what?!” Ishtail said with utter confusion.

“That’s right! Under Imperial Law section one thousand seven hundred and twenty two and a half in chapter one, section A, part III, paragraph four, in sub paragraph seventeen it states that if any officer finds any able man with nothing better to do, then he has full right to recruit them into the Imperial guard without any consent or regard of health.” The man said proudly.

“But I don’t want to be in the guard! I am only ten years old!” Ishtail cried.

“Too bad!”

“But I don’t wana gooooo!” Ishtail sobbed.

“Within two hours soldier you will be under the service of the Armageddon Steel Legion under the command of Sergeant Floyd and Commissar Haley! You shall serve when you term is over… which is approximately fifty years. I hope you serve well young lady, for the world of Armageddon needs you against the ork enemy! Larry and Charles over here shall escort you to your squad when we land. Good luck to you soldier and may you serve the Emperor with pride.”

The man then walked off, leaving Charles, Larry and an utterly sad Ishtail behind. Ishtail just sat there with all of her equipment in her lap, silent at the fact that now she is in the military against her will. Charles upon seeing this sad girl’s state decided to inspire her.

“Don’t worry little girl” Charles said he bent down to her own level “The mortality rate on the battle field is about 93%. Far better chances of living than most places, which are usually around 95-96%.”

While the guardsmen thought it was a note of comfort, Ishtail found nothing but horror in those words. As she watched them walk off, Ishtail could only think of what could be in store for her.

++++++​


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

yeaaa, I got more done!

++++++​

The transport landed with a heavy thud on the hard concrete of Armageddon’s main port: Hive Death Mire. Within seconds of landing, the boarding doors swung open and everyone was pushed off onto civilian land transports to be taken into the hive. Ishtail on the other hand, was not hauled out with the civilians, but was grabbed and thrown in the back of a waiting chimera with several other last minute recruits. When the back door slammed shut, the chimera raced off outside of the city’s walls to the imperial guard lines.

While on her seat, Ishtail looked up and took a look at her fellow new ‘recruits’ with childish curiosity. Her new fellow soldiers were an odd bunch: a big burly black man, a scrawny white kid, a couple of regular Joes and a fat chubby neck bearded man in the corner, all of them wearing loosely fitting flank jackets and helmets. She tried to talk to see if anyone of them knew what was going to happen, but her lips stayed shut as she was too nervous to speak. But it wasn’t long till the silence was broken.

“Hey kid.”

Ishtail looked to her side to see the big burly black man looking down at her.

“yeah?”

“How did you get here?” He asked in a tough guy manner. “Usually they don’t recruit children into the guard.”

“I got recruited on the transport. I didn’t have my parents with me so they just simply took me and now I am here.” Ishtail said sorrowfully. “What about you?”

The burly black man sighed as if he was about to tell a sad story of injustice.

“I got sent due to imperial punishment over a silly crime. They even didn’t give me a fair overlook, and if they did, I wouldn’t be here… Those bastards…” The black man said with ghetto anger. “This system is whacked man I tell ya. They treat you like shit no matter what you do. I swear they threw me in here because I’m black. Racist pigs!”

“What crime?”

“Jay Walking…” He mumbled.

“Oh…”

Now that the ice was broken in the back hull, Ishtail turned to her other side and spoke up to the scrawny man.

“How did you get here?”

The scrawny man sighed with angst as well, now feeling it was his turn to churn out an unjust story.

“I got thrown in her because I disagreed with the local authorities on a stupid domestic disturbance. They claimed that my actions were against imperial law, even though they weren’t!” 

“What was it then?” The black man asked.

“I murdered five children and raped their parents. I mean, how is that a crime?”

The entire group of recruits slowly turned their heads towards the scrawny man with their eyes wide open after he told his crime. The scrawny man looked back at them with a hint of fear, his body language giving off the feeling that he was in true danger.

“That is fucked up right there man!” The black man roared. “What kind of justice system sends a poor man into the imperial guard over several cases of rape and murder?! What kind of cruel system? I tell ya man, this shit is fucked up!”

Everyone but Ishtail soon followed the black man into what he said, all mumbling and muttering about the cruel injustice that the arbities inflicts upon the poor. But their complaining and whining abruptly ended when the chimera slammed its breaks and stopped. Several seconds later the back hull doors swung open and a man of higher rank stepped partially inside.

“All right men, hustle out! Sergeant Floyd expects you to be in line and order on the double right now! Now hustle out!” 

With that said the man left and everyone bailed out of the chimera with haste, sprinting towards their squad on the double. But as the men moved without much difficulty, Ishtail tagged behind greatly. But as she was almost on the verge of collapse, Ishtail made it to her squad and platoon. After making herself look proper, she stood at the end of the line, waiting for the standard briefing to begin. On cue as if it was like a play, Sergeant Floyd stepped out his tent and stood before the squad, staring at them with intimidation and grittiness.

“All right you maggots! As you have heard, warboss Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka has once again brought a Waaagh! Unto this planet with full force. But do not be afraid, for if we brandish our might and fight with our faith, we can defeat this failure once more! But before we blindly charge onto an open field with bolter crossfire to meet certain death, Commissar Haley would like to address you all. So take note or face consequences too horrible to describe for some strange reason!”

Sergeant Floyd then stepped aside to give the center to Commissar Haley. But as she stepped out of the command tent, a silent gasp of horror was released from the troops.

“Heeelllloooo Guardsmen!” Haley said cheerfully.

The entire squad looked aghast at the sight. There was Commissar Haley, all dressed in the usually commissar uniform but instead boasting the hideous colors of bright pink and yellow. This itself plus her twenty five year old bubbly blonde looks screamed out the terrible message to the troops: their commissar was an idiot. While a gritty monster commissar wouldn’t be the greatest thing in the world, the men deep down inside prefer a merciless leader of intelligence than a dumb blonde with D cups.

“All righty then! If you don’t know, my name is Commissar Haley! But if you want to, you can just call me Haley!” She said as she did a cheerful pose right in front of the guards. “Now then, onto business!”

Haley then went over to Sergeant Floyd and grabbed a data tablet out of his hand, skipping her way as if there weren’t any problems in the world at all.
“Ok, so according to HQ, this platoon is sentenced to serve on the front line. Now then, as stated before, according to Imperial Guard Law, you are to serve unfalll… unfall…”

Haley turned towards Floyd and asked him to come over. When he approached, she turned the tablet to him and pointed out a word on the digital document.

“Unfaltering… That’s how you pronounce it.” Floyd whispered.

“Thanks!” She said cheerfully “Anyhow, you are to serve with unfaltering courage and dignity, and to maintain the line no matter the costs!” She smiled brightly.

The squad simply stared at her with a sense of dread at this woman’s bubbly incompetence as a leader. But rather than protesting, they simply nodded their heads as so they could continue on… with the exception of one soldier.

“Am I the only one who thinks this woman is utterly insane?” Muttered one guardsmen.

“Who said that!?”

The soldiers saw Haley’s cheerful attitude turn sour after that inappropriate comment, giving off a sadly unintimidating glare at them. She then walked by all of the guardsmen, trying to weed out the offender. Finally she stopped at the man who spoke ill of her and turned towards him, her face only three inches away from his.

“Are you the party pooper who said that!?” She yelled, trying to act all tough and such.

“Yes madam.” The soldier said softly.

Haley then stepped back and whipped out her las pistol, pointing it directly at the soldier’s cranium.

“Such disobedience according to…uhh… ummm… I forget which law, is only punishable by death!”

The entire squad held their breath as she pulled the trigger, feeling sorry for the poor man and scared at this brutal act. But too much surprise nothing happened. Again she pulled the trigger and still the guardsmen did not die. Frustrated at the gun, she stared down the barrel to see if anything was jamming it, her figure still on the trigger. Finally Sergeant Floyd stepped forward and politely took the las pistol out of her hand and switched the safety off of it.

“Thanks Floyd! Now then… what was I doing again?...”

Floyd sighed at this stupidity “You were about to execute the guardsmen for disrespect.”

“Oh yeah! As said before, such disrespect is only punishable by death!”

She again pointed the pistol at the soldier’s head and pulled the trigger. It was either divine intervention or her terrible aim, but the laser, instead of blasting a hole through the skull, simply grazed the side of the head. But still the impact was enough to cause some blood going air born… in which some landed on Haley’s bright pink coat. She in turn shrieked at the stain, her pseudo anger transforming instantly to a pouty like attitude.

“Dammit dammit dammit!” She stomped in frusteration “Now I’m going to have to wash this all over again before the battle! And *_gasp_* look at that! A broken nail! Dammit, everyone is excused, I have to go fix my nails now and clean this stupid coat… God this is going to take at least four hours to do…”

As Haley pouted and whined about her now destroyed perfect image, Floyd stepped in and dismissed the squad, stating them that their temporary living quarters is barracks #122. With that said and done, Ishtail drudged herself through the mud to the shelter, hoping that tomorrow won’t be as silly as it was today.

++++++​


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## dandan1350 (Apr 22, 2010)

LOL good work


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

++++++​

The sounds of ‘pew pew’ and ‘kablooie’ sounded through the air as Ghazghkull’s main forces engaged the front lines of the Emperor’s finest. Wave after wave of orks and men clashed in a bloody brawl, fighting frantically to achieve victory no matter the cost. During this horrible chaos and death, Ishtail hid among the back lines against orders, staying a reasonable distance away from the slaughter zone. She had been fighting all morning and afternoon and she was officially done with this war, tired of standing in the mud and shooting her flashlight at the seemingly unstoppable enemy. So in an act of bravery (or stupidity), Ishtail threw down her helmet and marched towards Commissar Haley and Sergeant Floyd, ready to break out the news. When she did find the two leaders, she found them to be in both very contrasting situations. Floyd was standing on the top of a ruined chimera, screaming and barking out orders to every soldier around him. Haley on the other hand was sitting on a bright pink fold out chair with a ice tea and a spring issue of People’s magazine, relaxing on the side as Floyd was doing all the work. When it appeared that Floyd was done shouting at the soldiers, Ishtail bravely marched up to the two to announce her resignation.

“I quit!” Ishtail yelled, stamping her foot in an act of defiance.

Haley and Floyd looked at her with their eyes wide open, flabbergast at this statement.

“What do you mean you quit?!” Floyd yelled in anger.

“I am done with this stupid war and I wana go home!” Ishtail said angrily. “I’m tired of this stupid mud and I am hungry!”

“You can’t just quit during a battle of epic proportions! You’re in the service of the Emperor and thus you shall serve until you die!” Floyd spat out in fury. "Now go back out there and charge blindly at the enemy lines!"

“I don’t wana!”

“You going to go back out and fight, you hear my soldier!?”

“Make me poopy face!”

Floyed hopped down from the chimera and stormed over to the uncooperative child, wielding his chainsword in the most intimidating manner. However, Ishtail was unfazed by this and remained steadfast.

“I am giving you one more chance to walk back out and fight! If not, your punishment will be the worst possible! YOU HEAR ME!?”

Ishtail simply stuck out her tongue and went “PHBBBBTTTTT!!!!!!” 

“THAT IS IT! BY IMPERIAL LAW SOLDIER, YOU ARE SENTANCED TO A TIME OUT! GUARDS, SEIZE HER!”

With that said, two soldiers came darting out of nowhere and grabbed Ishtail by the arms and dragged her to a tall wooden stool right by a dead leman russ. Upon plopping her down on the stool, the guards then stepped to the side with their lasguns ready, as to guard her from leaving her time out early.

“Guards! You may release her in an hour! In the meantime soldier, I hope you learned your lesson about abandoning your fellow brothers in arms to a gruesome death! This in itself is the second worse thing an guardsmen can do, only behind treason.”

Ishtail then watched Floyd hop back up on the chimera where he once was and began barking orders once more. While the battle raged on, the Imperial forces began to show signs of fatigue and stress, their numbers dropping every second. The continuous wave of orks and tanks were now making the guardsmen take the toll of wars. With the Imperial numbers now low and almost gone, the inevitable happened: the orks broke through the firing line. With that line shattered and destroyed, it was no problem for the green skins to overcome the rest of the army. They hewed and hacked every guardsman that stood in their way with joy and pleasure, and the once mighty tanks of the Imperium were blasted with rockets and ork artillery. While this carnage took place, Ishtail still remained on the stool unscratched, her time out only half way done. Finally the Imperial forces were crushed and obliterated, the orks declared themselves the victors.

Ishtail watched nervously as the orks now finally approached her, grinning with sadistic joy for their final kill. She tremble as they brandished their weapons, laughing at her fearful state.

“Ah, look another week humie!” One of the orks jeered.

“Let’s krush ‘er an smash ‘er!” Another one cried in excitement.

Ishtail wanted to leave and hide, but again she couldn’t: she had twenty more minutes on timeout. But it was too late to make that decision for now she found herself surrounded by the xeno brutes. Our of pure terror, she curled up into the fetal position on the stool, silently hoping that her death would swift.

“Waaaaaiiittt a minut… Whyz you ain’t you runnin?”

Breaking free from the fetal position, Ishtail looked up to see a large and ugly Knob staring down at her.

“Because I’m on timeout…” She said softly.

“Wats a timeout?”

Ishtail sat up properly “A timeout is when you are put on a chair and you can’t leave because you did something naughty according to stupid adults…”

The orks scratched their heads and looked at each other, confused with this alien concept of punishment.

“Soz you can’t leev or dos anythin?” The knob asked.

“I got ten more minutes before I can leave” She grumped.

“So wez have to wait for ten mor munits befor wez can chops ya up?”

“Ummmm Hmmmm. Its stupid.”

While still lost on this foreign idea discipline, the orks in the end knew that they couldn’t do anything to the girl until her time out was over for reasons still unknown today. So they waited, sitting around until the time was up. But as they hit the three minute mark, large thunderous footsteps made way towards the idle orks.

“And wat all this muckinz ‘bout ya stupid gitz?!”

The orks immediately jumped back away from the loud and large speaker behind them as if it was an natural instinct. Standing many feet above even the largest of knobs, a giant iconic was boss pushed and shoved the lesser orks aside and stopped right in front of Ishtail. She looked up at him and easily could tell that it was him: Ghazghkull. The monster bent down and glared at the child, his eyes scanning every inch of her.

“Whyz havn’t youz chopped ‘er up already?!” He roared.

The orks were silent after the question but finally a foolish knob stepped forward.

“She’s on time out.”

“TIME OUT?!”

“Ya boss… Wez cant do anythin until timeout is over...”

Ghazghkull sighed at this universal law and truth, and still for reasons unknown today, he sat down and waited with the other boyz.

“Ow much time left?!”

“I’ve got one minute left.”Ishtail said. “Then you can kill me…”

Ghazghkull and the others then continued to wait impatiently for the minute to pass, all of them continuously looking at their watches to see if the minute was over already. When the sixty second mark hit, they all jumped to their feet and pulled out their weapons.

“Kan we killz ‘er now?!”

“No, Iz gets to killz her bekaus I’m da boss!”

Ghazghkull lifted his power klaw and was about to lay down his wrath upon the child, but the killing blow stopped half way when his eye spotted something on Ishtail’s chest. Putting his arm down, he stomped forward and looked in closer.

“Wats dis you ‘ave ‘ere?” Ghazghkull said as he peeled off Ishtail’s crude Imperial badge.

Once it was off, the orks gasped at this clever disguise. 

“Youz sneaky little eldar” Ghazghkull laughed “Nowz this just gots a lot mors fun…”

“Wait! You can’t kill me!” Ishtail cried.

“Whyz not?!”

Thinking on her feet, Ishtail pulled up one last attempt to save her own skin.

“Because I am too cute and adorable!”

“Oh really?! Proves it!” He sneered.

Ishtail then unleashed her cuteness upon the green skins. Her eyes began to dilate like a puppy’s, the lower lip began to curl out, her pointy ears lowered down and began to whimper like a sadden child. To finish it all off she added one single tear coming down from her right eye, tilting her head just right for the tear to stream all the way down the face. The orks were absolutely amazed at this sight of irresistible ambrosial look, and began without thought to adore her. Their hearts turned soft for her and within seconds the rage and blood lust disappeared from the orks.

“Ohz boss, do we aft to kill her?” One ork asked.

“Noz we don’t boyz…” Ghazghkull said as he picked her up and hugged her. “Shes too adorable.” 

With the large group of orks, including Ghazghkull, under her control, Ishtail slowly brought out the question that could mean life or death.

“So can I go now and go home?”

“Naww… I got somethin ‘even better!” 

++++++​


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## dandan1350 (Apr 22, 2010)

hello?????? *echo* hello?????*echo*hello????


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## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

Ah yeh, forgot to mention that I have and still am preocupied wtih other work. So yeah, to much dissapointment this is on post pone. Sorry.


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## arturslv (May 12, 2010)

's been a while since i've posted here. You never disappoint, man. NEVER. This is something awesome, of epic proportions.


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