# Good ol' Yarrick



## damnation321 (Jul 18, 2009)

This is really funny, you have to read it

-Contrary to popular belief, Commissar Yarrick was born with his battle claw.

-The Warp exists because it's too afraid to be in the same reality as Commissar Yarrick.

-Lord Solar Macharius was Commissar Yarrick's finest student.

-After defeating Ghazghkull Thraka for the second time, Commissar Yarrick built a time machine to travel back in time to just prior to the second war for Armageddon to kill the only enemy capable of giving him a challenge - Himself. The resulting temporal-spatial reality paradox spawned the Tyranids.

-Thought begets heresy. Heresy begets retribution. Retribution begets Commissar Yarrick.

-There are no gods of Chaos, just Yarrick when he's feeling angry, Yarrick when he's feeling sick, Yarrick when he's feeling manipulative, and Yarrick when he's feeling sexy.

-Abbaddon the Despoiler is actually Yarrick's evil clone

-Sanguinius broke a Bloodthirster's back upon his knee. Horus broke Sanguinius's back upon his knee. The Emperor broke Horus's back upon his knee. Yarrick broke the Emperor's chiropractor's back upon his knee.

-Commissar Yarrick can take a cover save against flamers

-Cypher is the only special character who is NOT Yarrick in disguise. This is because Cypher is lame.

-Commissar Yarrick played Rouge trader and read the Realm of Chaos books before anyone else did.

-There actually are female Space Marines, they've just never seen any reason to leave Hades hive.

-Only Commissar Yarrick may truly judge what is sane.

-Commissar Yarrick sold his soul to Tzeentch for perfect combat skills. He then punched Tzeentch with his battle claw and took his soul back. Tzeentch admitted he should have seen it coming.

-Commissar Yarrick fumigates his house using virus bombs.

-The Tyranids did not come to this galaxy because they consumed their home galaxy. They came here because they were fleeing from Commissar Yarrick. They do not yet know that he arrived in this galaxy ahead of them...

-The Tau earn their names through their deeds. Commander Farsight earned his name for been wise enough to do absolutely everything that Commissar Yarrick told him to do.

-Commissar Yarrick plays Imperial Guard in Warhammer Fantasy. No one questions this.

-Commissar Yarrick's battle claw beats both Drachn'yen and the C'tan phase sword in the 41st millennium's equivalent of rock, scissors paper.

-The Eldar have a legend of the final battle- the Rhana Dandra- when all six of the Phoenix Lords will gather together to defeat Commissar Yarrick. They will fail miserably.

-The Fabricator General of Mars personally hand crafted Commissar Yarrick's Master-crafted storm bolter. He didn't want to.

-The Nightbringer is every race's personification of death. Commissar Yarrick is The Nightbringer's personification of death.

-The Chaos Gods considered trying to corrupt Commissar Yarrick. They quickly dismissed the idea and tried Horus instead.

-Commissar Yarrick plays Battlefleet Gothic. He just uses the 40K scale miniature of himself. He usually wins.

-There are actually five Star Gods: The Nightbringer, The Deceiver, The Void Dragon, The Outsider and The Commissar.

-The first line of the Malus Codicium: 'Don't *&@$ with Commissar Yarrick.'

-Commissar Yarrick discovered an ancient copy of the 3rd edition Imperial Guard codex in 998.M41, read it, and then traveled back in time to 006.M3 to kill Andy Chambers.

-Some Thorian Inquisitors once suspected that the Emperor might be an avatar of Commissar Yarrick.

-The Sister Repentia are made of the women Commissar Yarrick rejected.

-Because of an accident during warp travel, Commissar Yarrick found himself on a Space Hulk with Chuck Norris, Mr T., Vin Diesel and Kyle Katarn. The resulting battle created the Eye of Terror.

-A coven of Daemon Princes was recently discovered by the Inquisition attempting to summon Commissar Yarrick.

-Commissar Yarrick was actually responsible for victory at the First battle for Armageddon as well. Out of pity and kindness he let the Space Wolves take credit for it.

-There is a sign on the gate to Commissar Yarrick's backyard that says 'Beware of the Carnifex.'

-When The Deceiver was beaten by Commissar Yarrick at regicide, it claimed the Yarrick cheated. He don´t know that Yarrick created the rules.

-The gene seed of the Grey Knights is actually derived from Commissar Yarrick. He is very disappointed in them.

-Inquisitor Kryptmann said that the Tyranids to pinnacle of evolution. He had never heard of Commissar Yarrick.

-The Greater Good is whatever Commissar Yarrick says it is.

-Commissar Yarrick has completed the pilgrimage from Ophelia VII to Terra. On Foot.

-Some people say that Commissar Yarrick was infected by a Genestealer. This is a lie. Yarrick made the Genestealer his bitch.

-Commissar Yarrick has never played Lord of the Rings. This is why no one else does.

-Some Adeptus Custodes once encountered Yarrick and were briefly confused when they thought they had been guarding the wrong guy the whole time.

-The Life Eater virus was actually unleashed upon Istvaan IV after Commissar Yarrick sneezed.

-Commissar Yarrik has memorised the rules to Epic 40K

-The warp entity Drachn'yen tried to hide from Commissar Yarrick in Abbaddon's sword.

-The Warlord Titan rules from Warhammer 40'000 Apocalypse were based on trial rules for Commissar Yarrick from the next edition of the Imperial Guard codex.

-Commissar Yarrick founded the Adeptus Sororitas after punching High Lord Vandire out of office and into the Sun.

-Commissar Yarrick's tears cure Nurgle's Rot. To bad Yarrick never cries. EVER.

-In the early days, the masters of the Officio Assassinorum sent their operatives into battle against Commissar Yarrick as their final test. They quickly realised this was too harsh.

-Commissar Yarrick also holds the ranks of Warmaster, High Lord of Terra, Lord Inquisitor, Chapter Master, Autarch, Warboss, Shas'O, Archon and Hive Tyrant

-Commissar Yarrick plays Inquisitor. His primary character is a kind and gentle civilian who abhors violence, never carries a weapon, likes Orks and has a very small and weak right arm.

-Games Workshop shut down their official forums after Commissar Yarrick ordered them too. Apparently, someone had taken His name in vain.

-Commissar Yarrick's force field does not stop bullets. They stop themselves in fear when they realise who they're about to hit.

-Some believe that Yarrick's Commissar cap is the source of his powers. This has never been confirmed as everyone who has ever looked at his cap is dead.

-And they shall know no fear (except of Commissar Yarrick)

-Commissar Yarrick is and independent character and follows all the rules for characters in the Warhammer 40'000 rulebook. Yarrick wrote that book.

-Games Workshop modelers radically changed the design of Commissar Yarrick's battle claw after 2nd edition because Yarrick himself appeared through a warp portal to show them up close what it really looked like.

-Commissar Yarrick plays Space Hulk. He just deploys the 40K scale miniature of himself, and all the Genestealers leap out the airlocks.

-Commissar Yarrick once got out of bed, had toast for breakfast, then went down to the shops to buy some milk. The most ancient legends of the Eldar dimly recall this event as the War in Heaven.

-The second war for Armageddon actually ended when Ghazghkull Thraka and his entire Waaargh surrendered unconditionally.

-Commissar Yarrick knows the identity of the two missing 1st Founding Space Marine Legions and their Primarchs.


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## The Fallen (Jul 15, 2009)

damnation321 said:


> Commissar Yarrick sold his soul to Tzeentch for perfect combat skills. He then punched Tzeentch with his battle claw and took his soul back. Tzeentch admitted he should have seen it coming.


hahaha acually got a good snicker in on this one:laugh:


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## CommissarHorn (Apr 14, 2008)

That was actually suprisingly pretty good. I was expecting it to be copy and pastes of the Chuck Norris jokes, but instead they tunred out to be entertaining.

Nice find.


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## edd_thereaper (Oct 21, 2008)

damnation321 said:


> -Commissar Yarrick plays Imperial Guard in Warhammer Fantasy. No one questions this.


lol thats classic :')

+ rep for the find

cheers

edd


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## Inquisitor Varrius (Jul 3, 2008)

They're like nerdier versions of Chuck Norris jokes... this is great. I think these are my 5 favourites:


damnation321 said:


> -The Tau earn their names through their deeds. Commander Farsight earned his name for been wise enough to do absolutely everything that Commissar Yarrick told him to do.
> 
> -The Greater Good is whatever Commissar Yarrick says it is.
> 
> ...


I'm sharing these with my Eldar and Tau friends.:biggrin:


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## Lord_Murdock (Jul 16, 2008)

lol Wow, those are pretty good. Lots of those are actually genuinely funny! :laugh:


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## Blammer (Nov 17, 2009)

hahahaha this is brilliant!! :laugh:


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## Sytus (Aug 27, 2009)

LOL, reminds me of those "chuck norris facts".


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## Ultra111 (Jul 9, 2009)

damnation321 said:


> -There are no gods of Chaos, just Yarrick when he's feeling angry, Yarrick when he's feeling sick, Yarrick when he's feeling manipulative, and Yarrick when he's feeling sexy.


The sexy bit just made me laugh, even though I didn't want to haha 


damnation321 said:


> -Commissar Yarrick sold his soul to Tzeentch for perfect combat skills. He then punched Tzeentch with his battle claw and took his soul back. Tzeentch admitted he should have seen it coming.


That one had to be my favourite by far lol :biggrin:Nice find man


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## Warlock in Training (Jun 10, 2008)

damnation321 said:


> -There are no gods of Chaos, just Yarrick when he's feeling angry, Yarrick when he's feeling sick, Yarrick when he's feeling manipulative, and Yarrick when he's feeling sexy.
> 
> -Commissar Yarrick has never played Lord of the Rings. This is why no one else does.
> 
> -Commissar Yarrick once got out of bed, had toast for breakfast, then went down to the shops to buy some milk. The most ancient legends of the Eldar dimly recall this event as the War in Heaven.


Seriously Funny :laugh:


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## papercutdan (Oct 28, 2009)

that was amazing


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## damnation321 (Jul 18, 2009)

lol im glad everyone enjoyed it


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## Carnivore (Aug 4, 2009)

damnation321 said:


> -Commissar Yarrick sold his soul to Tzeentch for perfect combat skills. He then punched Tzeentch with his battle claw and took his soul back. Tzeentch admitted he should have seen it coming.
> 
> -Commissar Yarrick fumigates his house using virus bombs.
> 
> ...


Those are the ones I like the most, with a special tenderness for the Tzeentch episode. :good:

Let's try it:

_ Commissar Yarrick doesn't save against attacks, he just despises them.
_ What you call "dying", Commissar Yarrick calls "napping".
_ Commissar Yarrick doesn't shave, he just orders his facial hair to take cover and bury itself.
_ In the grim future of the 41st millenium, there's only one rule: thou shall not tread on Commissar Yarrick's lawn.


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## piemaster (Oct 9, 2009)

damnation321 said:


> -Commissar Yarrick discovered an ancient copy of the 3rd edition Imperial Guard codex in 998.M41, read it, and then traveled back in time to 006.M3 to kill Andy Chambers.


It took me a while but it was worth it in the end.:victory:


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## Winterous (Mar 30, 2009)

damnation321 said:


> -Commissar Yarrick plays Imperial Guard in Warhammer Fantasy. No one questions this.


This one is my favorite


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## Sacrean (Apr 9, 2009)

Love these man. lol More I say. We need more lol


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## Carnivore (Aug 4, 2009)

Sacrean said:


> Love these man. lol More I say. We need more lol


So be it..._ The Spear of Russ isn't that lost. Ragnar Blackmane just threw it and it landed in Commissar Yarrick's backyard. Now, _you_ go and ask for it... In the meantime, let's just pretend he threw it at Magnus...
_ Commissar Yarrick believes in using deodorant, hence his personal supply of orange flavoured promethium.
_ Word Bearers follow blindly the edicts of Lorgar, until Commissar Yarrick says otherwise.


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## Winterous (Mar 30, 2009)

How did Commissar Yarrick lose his eye?
Well, he had hayfever, and in his irritation, forgot he had a claw...


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## Dark Assassin101 (Jul 3, 2009)

very funny man i liked the tzeench one and the WHF one best though if you can keep em commin


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## Caledor (Jan 15, 2008)

Wow. I think that about covers it.


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## Col. Schafer (Apr 15, 2008)

*The inclusion of lord solar macharius in an older version of the imperial guard codex was a mistake. His name was miss-printed and should instead have read: "Commisar yarrick"" 

*Yarrick has been known to cause CSM cult troops to fail leadership tests (note, every one of them is fearless)

* Yarrick once looked at a khorne berzerker wrong, causeing the entire squad to go to ground. They shot at him for 5 rounds with their bolt pistols untill he took pity on them and charged. 

*The rule "and they shall know no fear" was orrigonaly intended for commisar yarrick, but he found an acient article late in M38 detailing all of the reasons his character had been overpowered and never used, and traveled back in time to undo the failures of games workshop. 

* there was a movement in south african voodoo cults during the 1960s dedicated to summon yarrick into this timeline a second time so that he can fix everything wrong with games workshop. They would have succeded, but Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and Sean Connery defeated them to prevent their own awsomeness being outshined and overshadowed.

*Contrary to popular beleif, the term 'just as planned" was orrigonaly used by commisar yarrick after causeing the horus heresy to distract the emporer in a game of regocide. 

*When the dark eldar were developing meathods for torchering slaneshee daemons, their orrigonal plan was to use immages of commisar yarrick. This failed however, as the fear instantly caused the daemons head to explode, re-realeasing them into the warp. 

*The reason the tau are not as grimdark as the rest of the 40K universe is because they have never seen Yarrick fight, and beleive his awsomeness will somday be a force for peace. 

* the eldar have a closely guarded seecret, their creation was in fact caused by Yarrick getting drunk, accidently traveling into the far past with a faulty warp drive and masterbateing into the primordial ooze of the eldar home world. 

* Yarrick is both the father and the son of the emporer. 

* Chuck norris was created when 50 greater daemons were able to knock one tooth out of yarricks mouth and it fell through a warp lift into the home of a total looser in the 20th century. Through a combination of black magic and technology, scientists were able to chanal the awsomeness of the tooth into yong norris. 

* The Halo games were based on yarricks cildhood. 

* The two missing primarchs are in fact, both yarrick. They were siamese twins, one was the brain, and one was the body. 

* The warp is in fact yarricks mind. 

* There are actualy three dimention in the 40K universe, the materium, the imaterium, and yarricks fridge. 

* Yarricks actualy has 7 battle claws, one for every day of the week. 

*The forterace of arrogance is really an imperator titan, its just that the real rules for it were burned durring playtesting because of the imence ammount of rage caused by its use. 

*If you attatch a laser sight to a lasgun it becomes twin linked, if you attack a flashligh, it fires with a flamer template, if you give it to larrick it becomes an assault 10, 10" blast, S10, AP1 weapon.

*Yarrick is watching you right now! :shok:


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## Vanchet (Feb 28, 2008)

hahahahaha
Commissar Yarrick was actually responsible for victory at the First battle for Armageddon as well. Out of pity and kindness he let the Space Wolves take credit for it.
Brilliant 
Should have a hell of a laugh showin my SW friends this


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## primeministersinsiter (May 31, 2009)

Yarrick thanked the Emperor for keeping his seat warm.


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## Caledor (Jan 15, 2008)

- Yarrick can issue orders to Marbo.


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## Col. Schafer (Apr 15, 2008)

Caledor said:


> - Yarrick can issue orders to Marbo.


Pure brilliance!


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## Winterous (Mar 30, 2009)

Yarrick can attack a C'tan with a C'tan Phase knife, and keep it.


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## MidnightSun (Feb 10, 2009)

-Yarrick created Fenris when the Emperor said 'Chill Out' to him.

-Hive Fleet Behemoth was named after Commisar Yarrick.

-There is a 13th ring in the realm of Slaanesh: The Ring of Yarrick.

-Yarrick once beat Khorne in an arm-wrestling match.

-Yarrick created lasguns to make him look even more awesome.

-Once an Inquisitor ordered Yarrick to stand down and hand over control of the Guard. He is now dead.


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## Inquisitor Varrius (Jul 3, 2008)

Now all we need to do is get the Chuck Norris thing on Google to apply to Yarrick...
(For those of you who don't know, type "Finding Chuck Norris" on Google, and choose "I'm feelin' Lucky")



> Yarrick thanked the Emperor for keeping his seat warm.


This and Marbo are my favourites so far. :laugh:


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## Blackheart_101 (Dec 14, 2009)

> *Contrary to popular beleif, the term 'just as planned" was orrigonaly used by commisar yarrick after causeing the horus heresy to distract the emporer in a game of regocide.


Has to be my favorite !!! 
Pure genius, keep it up :mrgreen:


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## Ste (Aug 28, 2008)

Hilarious


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## evil angel (Jan 3, 2010)

Quote:
*Contrary to popular beleif, the term 'just as planned" was orrigonaly used by commisar yarrick after causeing the horus heresy to distract the emporer in a game of regocide. 

my favorite so far


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## Discy (Oct 23, 2008)

Saw this on the Conclave before, but it's still as good the second time round:biggrin:

*There is a special type of virus bomb called Yarricks Revenge. To make it, they take one lump of Yarricks snot, throw it onto the planet, and run.


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## hijynx (Aug 7, 2009)

> -A coven of Daemon Princes was recently discovered by the Inquisition attempting to summon Commissar Yarrick.


The visual this created for me was great. I lol'ed.


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