# d&d jokes



## ghazghkull-killyork (Jun 15, 2008)

hey i just heard a joke about d&d
hickery dickery dock a mouse ran up the clock, the clock struck one
the mice fell and suffered d3 points of non lethal damage


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## The Son of Horus (Dec 30, 2006)

I have a million dirty D&D jokes... shame I can't really post 'em. Let it suffice to say orgasmic cries of "Guess who rolled a natural 20!" are commonplace in them.


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## ghazghkull-killyork (Jun 15, 2008)

nice that is good


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## Stella Cadente (Dec 25, 2006)

I thought the biggest joke was that nobody plays it :victory:


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## Jack Jack (Nov 16, 2008)

I may have one:

Chuck Norris once rolled a natural 20, on a d6

Chuck Norris can kill the tarrasque.

Chuck Norris once defeated a great red wyrm by telling him his score in strenght.

Chuck Norris once defeated the DM.


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## Dominic240 (Aug 13, 2008)

Mine isnt really a joke but its a quote from a game I played
"Where stood on a hill what do we see?"
To your east you see the river turn into a waterfall down into the canyon. To your east the river carries on until it reaches a giant penis."
Dont ask why there was a penis in our D&D game


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## Da Red Paintjob Grot (May 6, 2008)

i like it.. d3 points of non-lethal damage.....
i think there are so many on www.giantitp.com ...
i do have another joke though.
"There are 10 times of people in this world. Those that get Binary-related jokes, and those that dont."


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## Mivarlocht (Jan 26, 2009)

Can't you just say, 'WHERE ARE THE CHEETOS?' and let it take over from there?


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## Red Orc (Jun 14, 2007)

"...so I said to him, 'what do you think we do all day while we're waiting for a "12" on the Wandering Monster Table?'"


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## khorneflake (Jul 11, 2008)

what do you call a party of ONLY mages
lunch

why did the dragon cross the road?
to get to the civillians on the other side


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## Jack Jack (Nov 16, 2008)

... and then, we were attacked by a giant rat.

which was the size of a cat

and is an herbivore

but he attacked us (for our coinage? to not eat us?)

and he was immune to fear effect. 

WTF?


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## Jack Jack (Nov 16, 2008)

how many drows does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows, when it lights, they run away.


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## Col. Schafer (Apr 15, 2008)

Bards. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!


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## Pirate Metal Troy (Jun 2, 2008)

Jack Jack said:


> I may have one:
> 
> Chuck Norris once rolled a natural 20, on a d6
> *
> ...


Umm, keen, vorpal scimitar + wish spell.

Even *I* can kill the tarrasque.


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## Camaris (Aug 4, 2008)

@Pirate Metal Troy: Your post was sooooo lame that it actually proves what everyone always says about D&D players. And it was the biggest joke in this thread! :grin:

Please do not direct 'baiting' comments at other folks here on the RPG games forum, this is your one and only warning. Thanks


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## Col. Schafer (Apr 15, 2008)

Why? Although its not origonal, wish kinda works on the big lizard if you hadent noticed. 

And what does everyone say about D&D players? Do tell... :agresive:


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## newt_e (Jan 1, 2008)

I had someone wish for the Staff of the ArchMagi once. 
He got the staff. Shame he couldn't deal with the current owner, who was still holding it when the staff "arrived".
Wishes used to be "carried out" by the nearest Greater power (I don't know if that's still true, or a house ruling we used). I had great fun with players wishes when I was a GM.

I've no idea what people say about D&D players though...


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## Druchii in Space (Apr 7, 2008)

I think he's referring to the 'geek' aspect, but to be fair D&D is no less geeky than any other gaming hobby, well except maybe videogames, that seems to be going mainstream these days. I'm going throw a note in the post as its on the line, but I'd just ignore the comment, its water off a ducks back to be honest.

Other than that, I'm liking some of these, hehe. Too early in the day for me to think of any of my own, I will have a dig about though.


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## Crude (Mar 15, 2009)

garsh.. anybody else seen the list of famous last words?

http://www.wfrp.de/hosted/flw/en/flw0250.html

some are a little dry.. "Don't worry, he is probably just first level."


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## buckythefly (Mar 16, 2009)

Not so much jokes, as just funny things. 

I once participated in a campaign where the DM said we could be whatever we wanted. My friend picked the Tarrasque.

Here was a real exchange from one of our gaming sessions.

Player 1: "I hold my action"
Player 2: "I hold his action to"
DM: "You Can't"
Player 3: "I want to hold the Nymph's Action"
Player 2: "I have a pump action action"
DM: *Facepalm*


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## Treewizard648 (Feb 4, 2009)




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## Jack Jack (Nov 16, 2008)

great, I can't see that picture... what's the link to it?


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## Bardictraveller (May 11, 2009)

Gobling child: mummy, when are we having granny for dinner?
Mum: hush child, we haven't finished your aunt yet!


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## ghazghkull-killyork (Jun 15, 2008)

very nice to see all the great jokes this isnt really a joke but in game we were told "you come up to a bend and its a stone wall what do you do "
and no kidding some one went"hey, dm, i have dark vision so whats on the other side of the wall"???????? i really dont know what happened to that poor persons intelegance but i think it suddenly dropped to 3!!!


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## TheFoot (Jun 25, 2009)

*hahaha*

that is funny.


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## pevergreen (Jun 24, 2009)

From our gaming session a while back:

The three of you enter the tavern, ok, Tey Pope-ey, you look into the courtyard and see them entering the tavern from your tower. A small child, not unlike your boy slave with the gimp mask, looks directly at you.

I cast searing light on him!

You want to use your daily spell on a small child?

Yeah.

So you are trying to hide in this tower, but want to cast a spell that causes a searing ray of light to kill this child.

Yeah.

Ok, you cast, it hits and when the light fades you see the smouldering ashes of what was a small boy.

Our rogue: I loot the ash!


Or from a D&D-ish movie:

Did Hunk see nimble at the bar?

What?

Nimble was at the bar when Hunk came over, did he see him?

Lets check....nope.

Boo-yah! I sneak into backstab position

mage: What good is that gunna do

Nimble: Duh! I do triple damage when I attack from behind! I sneak into place behind hunk and unsheath my dagger.

mage: Just your dagger?

N: Hmm true. I'll use my sword

Ranger: Even with triple damage, its not gunna kill a guy Hunk's size.

N: Hmmmmm....

DM: You're going to backstab him...with a ballista.

N: Uh-huh

DM: With a (#*&#^ siege weapon?

N: UH-HUH!

DM: theres gotta be a rule against this....

Fighter: Oh dude, i can totally imagine it, you know, pushing it up behind it squeak squeak squeak...its too much! There probably is a rule against it though..

DM: Well, theres no rule against it.

players: ooooh!

DM: *picks up dice* I cant believe....im doing this.....Alright...thats...264 points of damage

*players high five*

You splatter Hunk all over the common room. The patrons scream in horror and run out of the inn. You are now alone in a room that looks like a vat of beef stroganoff exploded in it.

Mage: *wipes his eyes* Cool.


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## Da Red Paintjob Grot (May 6, 2008)

Heh heh. Ballista Sneak Attack.


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## ghazghkull-killyork (Jun 15, 2008)

now i have to try that


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## Mythus (Apr 23, 2009)

Just a quick recount of something that happened in one of our gaming sessions. After a truly abysmal streak of rolls one of the guys decided on his next roll to say "I've hit rock bottom so the only way to go is up." as he rolled another of my mates turned and said "yeah but you just keep slipping on the rocks." as if to punctuate this the result of the roll was a natural 1.


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