# Submersion - Prequel to Blood Thirst



## Boc (Mar 19, 2010)

Removed because I'm a total doucher. Anyone interested in proof-reading, let me know your email address and I'll send you a copy.

Thanks to those that did


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## shaantitus (Aug 3, 2009)

You write very well. Makes me want to find out more about Bravvick and his cohorts. Fine work


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## Boc (Mar 19, 2010)

The story has been completed in what I feel is a satisfactory, if not a little f**ked up, manner. It will be posted within the next few hours, depending on whether or not my boss has me do any more of his work.


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## Inquisitor Varrius (Jul 3, 2008)

> Zanthon was, by far, a far from perfect example of a member of the Adeptus Astartes.


"by far, a far" is a little redundant... maybe just" was a far from perfect?"



> Burning promethium dripped from the primer torch, erupting into a wave of liquid fire. A hundred figures were swathed in flames; screaming marionettes, strings being pulled and twitched by an unseen, cruel god.


You write very well indeed; that's quality imagery if I ever saw it. Another brilliant work!


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## Boc (Mar 19, 2010)

Thankya for the catch. Also for any future readers, I've already discovered the fact that Bravvick, for some odd reason, is carrying both a chainsword AND a power fist >.< The issue was addressed and fixed to at least make sense.

Woops?


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## Boc (Mar 19, 2010)

And completed, I hope you enjoy it.

36 hours more and the the original post will be erased


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## Zwan (Nov 18, 2009)

His eyes unfocused, staring blankly against the far wall.

Not sure about this – unfocused isn’t a verb, unless you’re using it as a noun in which case it should be his eyes ‘were’ unfocused… or perhaps;

‘Eyes unfocused, he stared blankly against the far wall.’

His mouth open

Again, his mouth ‘was’ open. I know it’s the style you’re going for but it jars with me. Also lose the ‘almost’ before inanely – it’s a weasel word, and needless. 

Bravvick’s sneer was hidden beneath his mask, a grotesque rendition of an emerald skull, intricately engraved with emblems of the hydra and jade droplets of venom.

Since ‘sneer’ is the object of this sentence, everything that follows (the emerald skull etc) sounds like it’s describing the sneer. Rework this. 

was well known

‘well-known’

Vibrations shook the drop pod. Atmospheric entry. “Two minutes to contact.” A statement, not an exclamation, a sign of composure.

Paragraph break for speech. This goes for all ensuing speech. 

what powers to be appeased

what powers _were _to be appeased

, his gene-seed be extracted

, his gene-seed _would _be extracted – I’m sensing a pattern in your writing style here, so I’m going to stop bringing it up. But it grates on me slightly, and I’m not sure if it’s correct. 



Overall, competent and enjoyable. I’ll critique more soon – it does drain me so.


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## Boc (Mar 19, 2010)

I do see your point on the style. Trying to write from the perspective of a CSM that's losing his mind is a bit stressful and I, at times, push the awkwardness of it to the limit.


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## Boc (Mar 19, 2010)

Edited and correction: 45 minutes until removal.


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## bobss (May 18, 2008)

> The drop pod had plummeted into their midst, shattering bodies, casting a spray gore and limbs over the toiling mass of flesh.


This description captures the moment to utter perfection, the momentum of the pods landing detailed in a bloody way, really putting strong emphasis onto the slaughter. Fantastic usage of words, complex vocabulary, varying multitudes of sentence construction and a good system of detailing emotions for both character advantages and to grip the reader from the beginning 

It reminds me of a combination between Legion and Soul Hunter, but without degrading you for copying either. Overall the prose is of a great quality, and description is short, sharp and Astartes like, without need for excess comma`s 

Bobss


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## Boc (Mar 19, 2010)

Aaaaand gone


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## Inquisitor Varrius (Jul 3, 2008)

Your marketing tactics are excellent.  Will there be more on Bravvik and his squad-mates? I'm really enjoying your work, keep posting on Heresy.


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## Boc (Mar 19, 2010)

Well I'm doing shorts for the blog, so the probability of seeing Squad Bravvick in the future is strong.

I was planning on doing excerpts on some of the other squads as well, but we'll see how that shapes out


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## Inquisitor Varrius (Jul 3, 2008)

What? You have a blog? You didn't mention that! Where can I find this collaboration of fluff? :shok:


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## Boc (Mar 19, 2010)

www.heresy-online.net

To be released shortly :grin:


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