# Short story sample



## Sangus Bane (Jun 17, 2009)

Hey guys,

below is a short smaple from a story I'm currently working on. It's the first thing in the story that comes close to a combat sequence and I was wondering if everybody is able to follow whats happening as well as I am.

Setup: Sgt. Derian Milar is the protagonist. He is squad leader of Reaper Squad, a veteran squad in the II company of my own chapter, the Space Angels. (Original, huh?)

In this part he is sparring with a squad mate and close friend, Solomon Gorand. (Derian has several Bionics, by the way.)

Let me know what you think.


*‘’Again.’’ Derian said as he watched Solomon Gorand get up from the floor of the sparring cage. Solomon was member of Reaper Squad, an expert in demolitions and destruction. It was often joked that Solomon could destroy a titan with a single krak missile from his missile launcher.
‘’Yes, Derian.’’ Solomon said as he raised to his feet. 
Derian threw him the stick which Derian had taken from him during the previous fight.

‘’And try to keep hold of your weapon this time.’’ Derian joked.
Solomon smiled and struck swiftly. 
Derian deflected the blow with his steel arm and swung high at Solomon’s face with his own stick. Solomon evaded and then charged Derian, hoping to pin him to the ground.
Derian, however, stepped back and pushed Solomon down, bringing him out of balance. Yet Solomon did not stagger, he used his lower position to strike up at Derian’s jaw, hitting it with a fist and placing his shoulder in Derian’s stomach. 

Derian flew with his back against the cage, tasting blood in his mouth.
‘’Good.’’ He said, rubbing his jaw. ‘’But where is your weapon?’’ 
Derian showed his other hand, the hand in which he now held both his, and Solomon’s weapon.
‘’Damned.’’ Solomon whispered, bracing himself for Derian’s assault.
Derian flew forward without warning, using one stick to strike at Solomon from up high, and using the other to strike at Solomon’s abdomen. Derian’s strikes were met with some good deflects, but Derian stuck again and again, each time directing his weapons at an area which Solomon had to expose in order to deflect the blow before.
Eventually Solomon had enough of it and he lunged himself at Derian, who in turn pivoted away from the Astartes who had become a projectile.
Solomon slammed into the cage and dropped to the floor. He rolled onto his back and stared into the end of a stick.

Solomon sighed, shaking his head and pounding a fist into the floor. He was angry with himself for losing his weapon again.
‘’Perhaps you should have become a Black Templar, Brother.’’ Derian said jokingly as he offered Solomon a hand. ‘’Then you could chain your weapons to you hands.’’
Solomon laughed sarcastically and accepted Derian’s hand. Derian pulled him up and handed him both sticks.

‘’Enough practice for now, Solomon.’’ Derian said, unlocking the cage door. ‘’Tend to your duties.’’
‘’Yes, Brother.’’ Solomon said as he bowed his head and he gave the sticks to a chapter serve.
*


----------



## Dave T Hobbit (Dec 3, 2009)

The fight is easy to follow and makes sense.

There are a couple of places where we seem to see Solomon's thoughts, not Derian's:

_Eventually Solomon had enough of it....

He was angry with himself for losing his weapon again._​
It might flow better if you kept all the thoughts in Derian's head.


----------



## Sangus Bane (Jun 17, 2009)

Dave T Hobbit said:


> The fight is easy to follow and makes sense.
> 
> There are a couple of places where we seem to see Solomon's thoughts, not Derian's:
> 
> ...


Hows this:

Solomon was clearly angry for losing his weapon again. 

Solomon appearently had enough of the beating and...

Or something along those lines.

Thanks for the tip!


----------



## Dave T Hobbit (Dec 3, 2009)

Exactly. Darian can suppose/assume/deduce things to get the information out there.


----------



## Sangus Bane (Jun 17, 2009)

Dave T Hobbit said:


> Exactly. Darian can suppose/assume/deduce things to get the information out there.


Yep, I see. In fact Derian (With an 'e' ) will need to do such things many times in the stories I wrote about him.

I'll post a few soon. First finish this one...
Thanks again!


----------

