# 40k Humor



## Elchimpster (Jan 31, 2007)




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## DarknessDawns (Oct 21, 2007)

post more!!! hahaha


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## Elchimpster (Jan 31, 2007)

How many Space Wolves does it tak to screw in a lightbulb?
A full chapter, one to hold the lightbuld, and 999 to turn the battle barge.



-What do you call a lasgun with a laser sight? Twin Linked.



The Imperial Guard doesn't need cover, they ARE cover!



"a simpe 3 lettre wurd. beer" - Thor Thundercaller



The Top Ten List why DA are cooler then IF:

The Top Ten List: Dark Angels VS. Imperial Fists

Reason #10
Dark Angels wear nifty GREEN armor; Imperial Fists wear YELLOW - 'nuff said!

Reason #9
Unlike Primarch Rogal Dorn of the Imperial Fists, Dark Angel Primarch Lion el'Jonson never had his ass kicked by Primarch Perturabo of Iron Warriors.

Reason #8
Unlike Primarch Rogal Dorn of Imperial Fists, Dark Angel Primarch Lion el'Jonson never had his ass kicked by Primarch Night Haunter of Night Lords (do we see a trend here?).

Reason #7
When the Emperor had to have one of his Legions stay behind and guard Earth while the others traveled the Galaxy gaining fame and glory, Rogal Dorn jumped up and down shouting "Pick Me, Pick Me?I'll do it?"

Reason #6
Never had to have ass saved by Ultramarines, unlike the Imperial Fists after being pinned down for months by the Iron Warriors.

Reason #5
Dark Angels have the greatest victory record of all the Emperor's Legions. Imperial Fists are 0-1-1 (no recorded victories, lost to Iron Warriors and they like to call the defense of Earth a "Draw").

Reason #4
Lion el'Jonson fought Leman Russ toe-to-toe for a day with neither Primarch besting the other. Rogal Dorn would have used the famous "Play Dead and Run Away" tactic.

Reason #3
Dark Angels have lots of nifty special items like the Sword of Secrets; what were the Imperial Fists things again?can't seem to remember?

Reason #2
Dark Angels would have NEVER screwed up the defense of Earth and got everyone killed. And where exactly was Rogal Dorn when everyone else attacked Horus?.

And?.

Reason #1
Did I mention the YELLOW armor?



TOP TEN USES FOR SQUAD BANNERS

#10, MARCHING: When marching into the sun the first three men in column behind the sergeant are well shaded...

#9, OUT NUMBERED: When outnumbered you can give every man a banner. Space them 25' apart and march them in the open (as far from the enemy as possible) while kicking up a lot of dust. Your company will look like an entire Chapter...

#8, DICIPLINE: Warn unruly young Marines that if they don't straigten up you will make them wear the "Combat Magnet" in battle for a day.

#7, RECRUITING: You can attach a basketball hoop to the pole when recruiting in inner-city areas. Or, detach the pole and rig it for bass-fishing when recruiting in rural areas...

#6, TRENCH COMBAT: When defending a trenchline you can place the company standard in the center of your trench with squad banners spaced 25' apart on either side. When the enemy takes position faceing your "company", hit them in the flanks from the woods...

#5, DESERT COMBAT: Stick banner poles in the sand.. 25' apart... Then hide. When the enemy discovers this, first they will assume your company is wiped out. Then they will march an extra day to go around the quick-sand.

#4, ARCTIC COMBAT: Same as Desert Combat except the enemy will march an extra day to go around the frozen lake.

#3, URBAN COMBAT: Place banners on extra long poles. While the enemy is shooting holes in the walls just below the 3rd floor window... shoot them from the first floor window.

#2 R&R: At all Imperial amusment parks Sergeant's may count the banner pole when they get to the "You must be this tall to ride" sign before each ride...

AND THE #1 USE FOR SQUAD BANNERS IS....
Arguing over who has the longest "Banner Pole" at the NCO's club.



My space marine joke..... THE SPACE WOLVES!!



CSM:Knock, knock

SM:Who's there?

CSM:Boo

SM:Boo who?

CSM:STOP CRYING YOU LACKY OF THE GOLDEN THRONE!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!



What's better than being upgraded from a warlock to a farseer?

Not being an Eldar!



What's worse than being blamed of being on the other side of the galaxy when everyone else on your side is dying?

Being an Ultramarine!!!



A Slaneesh demonnette (sp?) was found, half dead, by a platoon of imperial guard, who screamed "foul abomination" and walked along by....

Next, a sister of battle came past, screamed "foul abomination", cast some protective runes on herself, and walked along by......

Next, a space marine came past, put a bullet in it's leg, and left it there to die a sorrowful death....

Next, an ancient and wise Eldar came along....

5 minutes later, he walked out of the bush, muttering under his breath "they don't make them like they used to......"



The Orks are entrenched in fortificatrions on a battlefield when they here some shouting from the enemy trenches.

"One Space Marine is worth 10 Orks" So the orks cant let their 'good' name be slandered so the Boss sends ten orks to run to the enemy trench shouting "ere we go". After a couple of minutes the orks here a voice shout " One Space Marine is worth 50 orks". So the Boss sends fifty orks charging towards the enemy trenches. Ten minutes later a voice shouts " One Space marine is worth 100 Orks". So 100 orks charge into the enemy trench on the Boss's orders. 15 minutes later a solitary ork returns and reports to the Boss that " They cheated boss, there was two of um!".



A Dark Angel, Blood Angel, and Space Wolf all walk into a bar. Each
one of them orders a drink. The bartender brings them four beers. The Dark Angel looks at his beer and realizes there's a fly in it. He begins to moan about how he is being punished by the Emperor and leaves the bar in shame, pulling his monk's robe around him tighter. Just then the Blood Angel looks down at his tankard.

"What's this?!" he shouts, "There's a fly in my beer?!?!"

He then proceeds to destroy half the bar in bloodthirsty rage (and ruins any chances of getting with the Sisters at table 3).

Finally the Space Wolf looks down at his beer and notices there's a fly in
his beer too! He magnifies the reception on his bionic eye he sees the little Tyranid wannabe taking a sip of his pint.

"Oh, no you don't laddie!" he growls as he grabs the tiny insect. "Spit
it out, spit it out!!!"


how many Slanneshi Cultists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Well, two, of course, but don't ask me how they got in there.



Battlecry of followers of Khorne: Blood for the Blood God!
Battlecry of followers of Slaneesh: Porn for the Porn God!



What do you call it when two Space Wolves are playing catch with a live krak gernade on a three second timer?

A good outcome either way!



Dark Angels at the movies.

(Movie theater. Various normal people sitting around, waiting for the
movie to begin. Doors open, and Azrael, Ezekiel and Asmodai of the
Dark Angels enter. They make their way to an empty row)
AZRAEL- Brothers, come! We shall sit here, in a row that is free of heretics and accursed alien filth!
EZEKIEL- Thou art correct, Brother. I sense no tainted mind of Chaos within this row!
ASMODAI- Come Brothers! Let us be seated!
(They all sit down. Their massive power-armoured forms block the view
of seven people behind them)
AZRAEL- Alas!
ASMODAI- Brother, what is thy concern?
AZRAEL- In our foolish rush, we have forgotten to purchase
refreshments!
ASMODAI- Dost thou wish to repent and seek forgiveness, Brother
Azrael?
EZEKIEL- Come Brothers, calm thyselves! There is still time!
AZRAEL- I shall take a squad of Marines to the refreshment area,
where we will purchase food and drink, which we shall consume for the
duration of this motion picture!
ASMODAI- Wait Brother! We still require local currency!
AZRAEL- Blessed be thy quick mind Asmodai! I shall empty my pockets
for local currency!
(Azrael empties his robe pockets)
AZRAEL- Emperor's blood... I have only enough to purchase strong
monkish ale for but one of us!
EZEKIEL- Fear not Brother, for we too shall empty our pockets!
(They all empty their pockets)
ASMODAI- Praise be Him on Terra! We have enough of this crude local
currency to purchase strong monkish ale for us all!
EZEKIEL- But wait! What about nourishment?
AZRAEL- Aye, in the form of heavily salted popped corn!
ASMODAI- We have not enough to purchase such decandant luxuries!
AZRAEL- Thou art correct Asmodai. But enough idle prattle! I go now
to purchase strong monkish ale!
(Azrael stands up, but begins to struggle)
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael, what is wrong?
AZRAEL- Uuurgh... c-can't move... feet stuck... to f-floor! Urgh!
ASMODAI- Alas, he is being held by arcane and blasphemeous Chaos
sorcery!
AZRAEL- Some sort of... urrgh... strange adhesive... coating m-my
armour! Aaargh!
EZEKIEL- Brother, arm thyself! We must free our beloved Chapter
Master from this foul embrace of Chaos!
(Ezekiel and Asmodai arm their bolters. Azrael suddenly breaks free
on the chewing gum that had stuck to the soles of his boots)
AZRAEL- Hold thy fire Brothers! I have broken free!
ASMODAI- Truly our Chapter Master is blessed by the Lion and the
Emperor of Terra, may His light never die!
AZRAEL- We shall have time to rejoice later Brother, for I still
must...
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael! The motion picture has started!
AZRAEL- Curses! Then I must make haste, immediately! Our parched
gullets depend on my swiftness!
ASMODAI- Then hurry Brother! With all haste! Emperor be with you!
AZRAEL- Many thanks Brother! I go now... TO PURCHASE STRONG MONKISH
ALE!
ALL- UNTIL THE SWORD IS REFORGED!!!
(People in the back row begin to throw popcorn at them)
EZEKIEL- Brothers, take cover! We are under fire!
ASMODAI- Arm thyselves! Prepare to return fire! We shall cleanse
their souls with righteous bolter fire!
AZRAEL- Die heretic filth!!!
(They open fire and massacre the people in the back row. In the row
in front of them, CYPHER and LUTHER)
LUTHER- (points back over shoulder) See? THAT'S why I turned to Chaos...
CYPHER- My sentiments exactly... (turns to face the three Dark
Angels) WILL YOU THREE SHUT UP!!!
AZRAEL, EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- Emperor's bones! Cypher, the Fallen One!
REPENT, FOR TOMORROW YOU...
CYPHER- yeah, yeah, blah blah blah...
(A WATCHER pops up from nowhere, steals Cypher's popcorn and runs off)
CYPHER- Why you little-!
(WATCHER giggles sadistically and runs out of the cinema)
CYPHER- Curse you, you damn Jawa-wannabe!!!
(CYPHER pulls out plasma pistol and bolt pistol and sprays fire
around randomly, slaughtering people)
LUTHER- Cypher, jeez, it's just popcorn, and besides, the damn things
are invulnerable...
CYPHER- Raaaaaaargh!!!
(Azrael whips out combi-plasma and places it point-blank to Cypher's
forehead)
AZRAEL- Die, Fallen One!
CYPHER- You do realise I'll only truly die if the divine power that
protects me rolls three ones...
(Azrael fires. Cypher is blown apart. Luther looks on, amused)
LUTHER- Well, whaddya know? Guess Cypher wasn't so lucky after all...
(Ezekiel and Asmodai pull out force sword and crozius respectively
and loom over Luther)
EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- REPENT, TRAITOR!!! FOR TOMORROW YOU DIE!!!
LUTHER- ... Wait a minute.
AZRAEL, ASMODAI AND EZEKIEL- WHAT IS IT, FOUL ONE SPEAK SWIFTLY, FOR
YOUR TIME IS...
LUTHER- Shut it. I was wondering, about that "Repent for tomorrow you
die" thing...
AZRAEL- It is our sacred battlecry!
LUTHER- Yes, but technically, if you are to adhere to your battlecry,
you should come back tomorrow and kill me tomorrow, which is kinda
silly really, since you've just sort of warned me and given me some
sort of advantage, as I can stay out your way tomorrow.
AZRAEL- Shut up! Shut up!
LUTHER- Furthermore, if you shout that battlecry EVERY TIME you are
about to do battle with someone, doesn't that mean that you can never
kill anyone? I mean, take now for instance. You say, "Repent, for
tomorrow you die", correct? Now, if you do track me down tomorrow,
you would have to shout your battlecry again; "Repent, for tomorrow
you die", so you couldn't attack me then either. And so on and so on
and so on.
EZEKIEL- (downcast) You've just mutilated the battlecry we've been
happily using for ten millennia...
ASMODAI- That's soooo meeeean!!!
LUTHER- And what's up with the dresses!? The old Dark Angels never
wore dresses!
AZRAEL- They are our holy robes...
LUTHER- Damn it, I don't even want to be the Great Fallen One of a
damn transvestite chapter!
I wonder if the Ultramarines could recruit me as some sort of arch-
enemy of old? At least they don't wear dressing gowns into battle!
EZEKIEL- If I can just make a point...
LUTHER- Just get out of my sight. You're scum. I don't even want to
look at you.
ASMODAI- But Sir...
LUTHER- SPEAK WHEN YOU'RE SPOKEN TO, MONK BOY!!! Now, get out.
(Azrael, Asmodai and Ezekiel shuffle out of the cinema. Luther
settles back in his seat and rests his feet on a Watcher in the Dark)
LUTHER- Thank Chaos for that.
TWO WEEKS LATER, THE EMPEROR'S THRONEROOM...
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Lord God Imperator?
THE BIG GUY- Yeeeeeeeesss...?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- (hands the Throne Geezer a piece of paper) The Dark
Angels wish to hand in their letter of resignation...
THE BIG GUY- WTF!!?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Apparently they've had rather a strict talking-to
and they've just had enough of being bullied really. They want to
quit.
THE BIG GUY- BY MY GOLDEN TOILET, THEY CANNOT SIMPLY QUIT!!!
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Oh, they did kill Cypher though...
THE BIG GUY- Ah well, guess no rebirth for me... and I really wanted
to be the Star Child too...

THE END


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## Elchimpster (Jan 31, 2007)

Q: how many AM tech magi does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: three, one to hold the ladder, one to change the bulb, and one to swing the incense.



Why are the UM's called Smurfs? Why are Ba called swiss cheese? Why are space wolfs called mad drunken raving mindless... ahem, yes



An inquisitor walks into a bar.

++POST TERMINATED BY AUTHORITY OF THE INQUISITION++



What's the difference between 10 dead guardsmen and a Leman Russ?

I don't have a Leman Russ in my garage...



How do you get mashed guardsman out of a bowl?

With chips...



How many guarsdmen does it take to paint a Leman Russ?

It depends on how hard you throw them...



How do you make a dead guardsman float?

With two scoops of ice cream



How many dead guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It depends on how much metal you stuck through them.



Brother Scout Frederick walks into a bar on Ventarus III, which is mounted at the top of a hive spire. He sees venerable Assault Brother Jentaro sitting at the bar and takes a seat.

"So, what do you carry in that big backpack, Brother Jentaro?"

"Oh, nothing. Know what's really cool about this bar?"

"No..."

"If you jump out that window, you come straight back up."

"Prove it!"

"Fine."

Brother Jentaro jumps out the window, engages his jumppack, and flies in through the window.

"Wow, cool!"

f00lish Brother Scout Frederick jumps out the window and gets splattered all over the ground. The bartender says:

"Wow sir, you're one mean @$$ when you're drunk."

"Yeah well, this is some good fenrisian ale."



Chaplain Dedicus and Captain Insubordin go golfing on Ordus Prime. On the first hole, the chaplain shoots and does pretty well, getting just above par. The captain though, shoots way too hard, and blasts the ball all the way across the course, going right through a guardsman.

"Emperor's damnation, I missed!"

"You musn't say the Emperor's name in vain, for He shall strike you down!"

"Yeah yeah, whatever."

So they go to the next hole, and the chaplain shoots and does great, getting a hole in one. The captain again shoots way too hard and blows a hole through a passing rhino.

"Emperor's damnnation, I missed!"

"I told you, you musn't say the Emperor's name in vain, for He shall strike you down!"

"OK ok!"

This goes on for the entire course until the last hole. The chaplain gets par, and the captain again fails, shooting the ball off three trees and hitting his forehead.

"Emperor's damnation, I missed!"

"You shouldn't have said that! He shall strike you down!"

All of a sudden, a huge white light appears, and the chaplain is obliterated. All over Ordus Prime, every living being hears the same words in their head:

"EMPEROR'S DAMNATION, I MISSED."



What is better than winning the gold medal in the servitor olympics?

Not being a servitor



Uncle Bob, the Space Marine

The Scholar Abbot in the Schola Progenium gave his fifth grade class an assignment: tell a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Corvius said, "My father was a farmer on Acheron VII and we had a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the coach when we hit a bump in the road and the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the Scholar Abbot.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Jorun. Tell us your story."

"MY family where farmers too. But we raised grox' for the meat market. We had a dozen grox.eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live grox. And the moral to this story is, don't count your grox before they're hatched."

"That's a fine story Jorun," he continued. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes sir, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle, Veteran Sargent Bob. Uncle Bob was a Space Marine in the 3rd War for Armageddon and his Thunderhawk got hit. He had to crash land in hostile ork territory and all he had was a bottle of fenrisian ale, a bolter and a chainsword. He drank the fenrisian ale on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy with the bolter until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with with the chainsword till the blade broke and then kill the last ten with his bare hands."

"Emperor's Throne," said the Scholar Abbot, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't piss off Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."


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## Elchimpster (Jan 31, 2007)

Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:

"We're outta ammo?"

"CHARGE!!!""

Khorne Beserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"

"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"

"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"

"Welcome to the Cata- PRIVATE!!!! THERE'S A WRINKLE IN YOUR BANDANA!!!! IRON IT OUT, THEN GIVE ME 500 LAPS AROUND THE BASE!!"

"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."

"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"

"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"

"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"

"Fix bayonets!"

"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"

"We missed our shooting phase?"

"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside.

"Colonel: "We're gonna die! We should all flee!"
Commissar: "Just this once, I agree with you!""

"Extermina-what?"

"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"

"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"

"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"

"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates...""Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"

"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"

"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a
club, and it still...uh oh."

"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"

"What do you mean that the sisters of battle have taken a vow of chasity?"

Comanding officer: How did you guys find basic training? Hard? Unlucky, i had a blast flicking spitballs at Colonal J. Tightass during our survival Techneques lessons!

Theres a wraithlord on the board...

Sir, the necrons are here, they have a monolith, and we only have 30 lascannons.

Welcome recruit, we you be sharing bunks with Private R. Sole

Comrade: Aww look, a cute doggy.
You: That aint no doggy, thats a hormagaunt!

So whats with these Torches? What do you mean there guns?!

Radio of Colonal:
Careful of the mine feild, the Co-ords are *Crackly Radio interuption*
BANG!!!

"Why is my gun just a cardboard mock up?"

"I cant get in that chimera, its already on fire!"

"What do you mean take cover behind the bodies of the 423rd? We're the 423rd?"

"So what does this artillery locator beacon do?"

"When our moto says "Nobody walks away" Does it refer to them or us?"

"How can 9 minutes be an intensive training course?"

"You want me to put on this flak jacket? But theres a hole in it, and the hole is stained with blood!"

"When you say that the 422nd brought us fresh supplies of food, did you mean the 422nd were our fresh supply of food?"

"Genestealers?"

"Holy poo! these really are flashlights!"

"Hey, we have the same Inititive as the Salamanders, we can beat 'em!"

"Flashlight..Warmer..Cigarette lighter...Stun...Hey!..Where's the kill setting on this Lasgun??"

"Why are they giving out Oven Mits with those Plasma guns?.."

"Join the army they say, see the many worlds they say, I'd rather be working in the kitchen than earning my pay shining lights at Khorne Berserkers.."

"Why can't we fire before the artillery?..We are the Elites damn'it, we are the glory boys, the ones who get the spiffy targeters.."

"Hey..Isn't that OUR Leman Russ?..Then why does it have that funny star on the front?"

-"Forget THIS! *sound of las-pistol hitting the ground* Come on guys! FOR KHORN!"
Or better... *Sound of a liqour bottle being opened* "For Slannesh!"
Or maybe even... Sound of projectile vomiting "FOR NURGLE!"

Aha! Get that spotlight over on them, if our flashlights can kill, then it must be a template weapon!!!

"What does 'victory' mean?"

"Stop shining that thing at me!"

"Why's the plasma gun on..there aren't any ene-"

"So,you say your from the eye huh...nice powerfist,whats that growing on your neck?"

"Theres good news and bad news,the good news is we're going to war,the bad news is,we're the only ones going and we don't get any more supplies"

"Hey look! The Eldar are using girls! *much laughter* "HEY stop screaming in my ear!"

Plaque on a Lasgun: "Warning, can trigger epilepsy"

'Warning: Do not look down barrel of Lasgun, may cause eye damage'

"Sweet, that one Terminator only has a scythe. It says something, Man...something. Eh, he's headed this way, he'll be an easy kill."

"Dude, check out that one guy. His whole head is bald except for that really long top knot on top. He's a poser I bet."

"Hey, the Commisar said it was only going to be a bug hunt. How big can they get?"

"Dude, all we have to do is hold out till they transmit the codes to viral bomb the enemy!"

"Hey, I've been reassigned to Catachan? Anyone know where that is or what it's like?"

"Cool, I've been reassigned to fight with Fleet Leviathan. I've always wanted to see how the navy fights."

"Why's the forest moving?"

"Dear mom, it's very boring here. All I do is guard an archeaological team on this dead moon. Neat ruins but there's nothing to do, hold on a minute, somebody is yellin for me...."

"We're surrounded on all sides. This simplifies our problem. CHARGE!"

Space Marine Captain: Well the Chaos forces are massing for an offesive. and frankly we just dont have the numbers or the psykers!
Inquisiter: Well, I'd like to help yah but, there just aren't enough grey nights to go around.
Space Marine: Well, there is one thing we can do.
Inquisitor: Oh Yah!
Both look at an imperial guardsmen playing cards with his buddies
Space Marine: Well, we shall have to initiate Operation Human Shield!

"Alright men, were goin ta war... I wont lie to yah, I'll be hidin with mah heavy weapons teams and the tanks... but i did get you these; pre written "Don't Worry I'm going to war letters," flash lights, under powered laser rifle, Diapers, and me and the commissars took the liberty of impregnating each of your wives an girlfriends so we could leave quicker."

"Abbaddon is coming this way, but don't worry, the commissar and the colonel both said not to worry as the might of the Emperor stood with us and they would pick up some extra donuts at the shop when they get back."

"Well our orders are in, we are to participate in Operation: Let them Tire Out Butchering the Guardsmen."

"Note to Jimmy R. Fielklestien: Quit praying to me, I dont care if you make it home to see your family. Personaly I enjoy watching you guys get annihilated. No, I will not be there to help you in the moment of truth. If you want help, talk to abbadon, he's much nicer than you'd think. Screw You; The God-Emperor of Humanity Bob Smith."

"The meaning of life is, your born, you join the guard, you die with 4000 other useless dweebs who couldm't make the adeptus astartes."

"What do ya mean we all have to start in reserve?"

"Did you say cityfight with khorne/nids/BAs/SW/DE/Orks...."

"Make an armour save?"

"Nightfight and no searchlights modeled?"

"Kroot can screen those crisis suits with rail guns?"

"Your unit has 2 flamers in it?"

"Take and hold?"

"What do you mean the comissar is falling back?"

"Auspex? What are the chances he has lictors..."

"Ok, we're supposed to advance under cover of the tanks.....wait, what do you mean? The tanks can't fire if they move? And they're supposed to be covering US?"

Commissar: "Welcome to your new warzone....you can rest when you've taken those trenches over there." (Commissar points at a dim line of brown about 20 miles away) "We start here. Good luck, and I'll see you when you get back."

"They're only Tau....we can shoot better than they can!"

"Ah, yes. Hive battles are FUN....."

"Whadda ya mean, those Orks have a basilisk? Isn't that one of OUR tanks? Oh, it is.....so why are they using it?"

"I've been assigned to the 13th Legion? Hey, they've got a great reputation.....Wait, isn't that a PENAL Legion?"

Commissar: "Here, take this backpack over to that trench."
Guardsman: "Why, what's it going to do?"
Commissar: "Its a tactical nuclear weapon.....very small yeild."
Guardsman: "Ok, how's it work?"
Commissar: "You pull this string, and run. You'll have about five seconds."
Guardsman: "Five seconds. And how am I supposed to get away?"
Commissar: "You're not!"

"Ten hut, men i have two comments. One I am being promoted so i will nolonger command you past today in two hours. Two your being shipped out to The Eye in one hour and forty five minutes"

"hmm tyranids seem weak we dont even need our guns grab your nives boys!"

(from sergeant to captain, through comm-link)
"Sir, the Grey Knights have just run past us screaming. Awaiting orders."

(From Chimera Driver)
"Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

"Cmon guys, that big thing over there with claws is NOTHING, we can take him!!"

"were in a hellhound? sounds cool..."

*sees a Wraithlord for the first time and grabs combat knife* "You think you're tough!?"


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## Elchimpster (Jan 31, 2007)

How many space marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 100, one to screw it in and 99 to praise the Emperor.

Q: How many Guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, their lasguns work fine.

Q: How many Wraithlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if you use THREE, we will all claim it is beardy.

Q: How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to outlaw lightbulbs, and one to deny the existence of lightbulbs.

Q: How many Tau does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't screw them in. Their helmets are equipped with infra-red, heat and motion scanners along with camera linked to their drones which means they have to do no work at all themselves.

Q: How many Squats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh, wait. GW doesn't support them any more.

Q: How many Forgeworld light bulbs does it take to light a room?
A: Just one, but it is a deluxe halogen bulb at 250 watts and costs $87.


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## CommissarHorn (Apr 14, 2008)

lol you got that from that forum site place the white background.


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## Elchimpster (Jan 31, 2007)

CommissarHorn said:


> lol you got that from that forum site place the white background.


Yep, it's a compilation from all over. Might as well bring it here.


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## Dark Apostle Loren (May 1, 2008)

Heres an oldy but a goody.


A squad of Catachan's walks into a bar and the Sergeant sits down for a drink, with his men. As hes relaxing a Blood Angels Space Marine comes by from the rest room, and trips over the Sergeants feet, spilling his beer. The Sergeant stands up and says to the BA your gonna replace that. The BA laughs, The Bartender yells out hey take it out side! So the The BA and the Catachan head for the door when they get there, the Catachan Motions for the BA to go first. As he goes through the door a loud explosion is heard. The Sergeant goes back to the table where his men are and sits down. "And that Gentlemen is exactly why you always look for tripwires!"


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## Fluff'Ead (Aug 22, 2007)




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## Revelations (Mar 17, 2008)

What does Khorne send in the mail?


A bloodletter. 


Why is Khornes well always empty?


Cause of all the Bloodthirsters.






That's a few seconds of your life you'll never get back. Your welcome.


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## Fluff'Ead (Aug 22, 2007)

And another one:


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## lightmonkey (Apr 1, 2008)

man thats just bad...


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## solitaire (Mar 24, 2008)

just check out my sig, thats 40k humour for you.


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