# Primarchs day jobs.



## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Hi guys:victory:
I was in my local store and we came up with the idea of givin the Primarchs day jobs, so Ill put some of our Ideas on here and if you have any other ideas plz post them and maybe a little quote or story of their job thx:grin:
Lets try and get all of the Primarchs done! 

Ok startin with the loyalists...
Russ:Taxi driver
In his taxi is a very nervous looking man in the back and a cage where the passenger seat should be.
Russ: Where to?!!!!
Man: Er..er..
Russ:HURRY UP!!!!!!
Man:Th..the air...airport
Russ: To far, KHORNE!!!!
Man: Yes please!!
Russ: Not you, Him. (Points at the cage which has been replaced with KHORNE the god of blood and taxis!!!!!!!)
KHORNE!!!: What!!
Russ:This guy wants to go more than a mile away from the pub.
KHORNE!!!:WHAT AND ITS POOL NIGHT TONIGHT, OH HE DIES!!!!
Man: Oh my god!! AARRRGGHHHH (He screams as KHORNE!!!!!! turns him inside out, rubs salt in the wound, kicks him while hes down and steals his wallet)
KHORNE!!!!!!!: Decent haul tonight, that guy had two hundred quid on him.
Russ: so whats that come up to?
KHORNE!!!!!!!!:So far thats twenty-three walets, seven purses, a poodle, a packet of gum and about seven hundred and fifty six quid.
Russ: Right, TO THE PUB!!!! (does a J-turn and speeds of into the distance towards where most of the space wolves legion and several hundred demons wait for drinks)


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## unxpekted22 (Apr 7, 2009)

oh good, that gave me a well needed laugh. post wouldn't be complete without the ROFL


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## Azkaellon (Jun 23, 2009)

Khorne and russ????????? LIE'z!!!!

And we all know the taxi Driver Should be Pedro Kantor (What that's not racist <.<)


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## jakkie (Dec 21, 2007)

Everyone knows that, by day, all primarchs are bin men...


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## Lucien7 (Jun 29, 2009)

sanguinis is a hair stylist


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## Azkaellon (Jun 23, 2009)

Lion is an Emo Punk.


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## TerranRaida (Jul 28, 2009)

Corax is a edgar allen poe researcher


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## Ste (Aug 28, 2008)

Guilliman (spelling) is a dog walker/groomer


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## Inquisitor Einar (Mar 6, 2009)

Horus is a Kindergarten Teacher.


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## BloodAngelsfan (Jan 22, 2009)

Angron attends Anger Management Classes, which are taught by Rogal Dorn.


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## dark angel (Jun 11, 2008)

Do i even have to say what Fulgrim is?:laugh:


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Thanks for all the replies guys:victory:
Ok next up we have Angron as an anger manager (good guess Bloodangelsfan we decided this as well:grin
In a waiting room on a distant planet we see a blood soaked power armoured figure sitting amoung the corpses of whoever else happened to be in the room reading White dwarf edition 1,000,003.
Only surving staff member: Erm..Mr Kharn?
KHARN THE BETRAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:What! Cant you see my new model has finally come out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only surviv (oh screw it) OSSM: The Doctor will see you now.
KHARN THE BETRAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: ALRIGHTY THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Drop kicks OSSM out of a convieniently placed window, does an Ace ventura LOSER sign and goes into the Doctors room)
Dr Angron: SIT DOWN!
KHARN THE BETRAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!sits) I have urges to kill people, have an ungodly of number of exclamation marks on the end of every sentance and do Ace ventura impressions while doing it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (see!)
Dr Angron: YOU THINK YOU GOT PROBLEMS, ILL GIVE YOU PROBLEMS, I CONSTANTLY DO ALL THE THINGS YOU DO PLUS I HAVE A BURNING HATRED OF SHEEP, A DESIRE TO KICK ALL OF THE FLUFFY KITTENS IN THE UNIVERSE AND-
KHARN THE BETRAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!RUNS OUT OF ROOM CRYING)
Dr Angron: Ah, another satisfied customer (smiles at for the camera as the ads come on)
Dr Angron, he has a degree!​End scen- 
Russ: Wait a miniute! How come KHARN gets capitals?!
_Because he freakin KHARN THE BETRAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he could bitch slap you and your entire legion so shut up and stop complaining!_
Russ: But-
_Not a word!!_
Russ: Or what
_Or this_
russ: What I dont, wait, YOU DELETED THE ONLY CAPITAL IN MY NAME, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_And Ill take away all of your capital priveligis so shut up, right now END SCENE_


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## Azkaellon (Jun 23, 2009)

dark angel said:


> Do i even have to say what Fulgrim is?:laugh:


Fulgrim love you long time for little money?:laugh:


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## Lucien7 (Jun 29, 2009)

this reminds me alot of 
*P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S*


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## Vanchet (Feb 28, 2008)

Khan would run a Go-Kart Track XD
Vulkan would run a Jewlers along with Ferrus 
Pertubro is obvious (Demolition person)
Fulgrim would run a catwalk show (do a hel of a better show them Amercas next top model )


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## Azkaellon (Jun 23, 2009)

Vanchet said:


> Khan would run a Go-Kart Track XD
> Vulkan would run a Jewlers along with Ferrus
> Pertubro is obvious (Demolition person)
> Fulgrim would run a catwalk show (do a hel of a better show them Amercas next top model )


Fulgrim is also more flaming then all the people on top model combined. (Thats not a gay joke, he has a flamer!):biggrin:


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## Cato Sicarius (Feb 21, 2008)

Guilliman = Librarian?
Or more likely... Guilliman = GW 40K department Co-manager

Manager: "How about we release some new Dark Eldar?"
Guilliman: "What?! NO! Are you insane? Space Marines!"
Manager: "Well, how about we change the Space Marines image from Ultramarines... to..."
*gets shot by Guilliman*
Guilliman: "NO! Ultramarines!"


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## Thuellai (Jul 15, 2009)

Cato Sicarius said:


> Guilliman = Librarian?
> Or more likely... Guilliman = GW 40K department Co-manager
> 
> Manager: "How about we release some new Dark Eldar?"
> ...


This explains EVERYTHING! The president of GW is secretly Guillman. +rep.


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Cato Sicarius said:


> Guilliman = Librarian?
> Or more likely... Guilliman = GW 40K department Co-manager
> 
> Manager: "How about we release some new Dark Eldar?"
> ...


Lol, well done this is brilliant!

We decided on a office worker so heres mine:
We start in a blue office with a blue door, blue walls, blue phone and a blue desk.
Decorater: (Walks into office) Hello, I'm here to re-paint your office.
Guilliman: What? (barely supressed fury)
Decorater: Er..to much blue...
Guilliman: You can never have to much blue!!! Now die!!!!! (Grabs the Decorater by the throat and throws him out of a window into a passing old lady which knocks them both into russ and KHORNES!!!!!!! taxi)
russ: Thanks rob, wait what the, my capitals still arent back yet!!!
_Not a word!_
russ and KHORNE!!! drive off with Primarch sized tears flying out of the drivers window.
(A few hours later,Guillimans phone rings)
Guilliman: Hello this is a Primarch whos capitals have not been removed how can I help.
russ: (sits in corner and crys)
Customer: Hello im calling about a car I bought from your company it broke down after only one hundred miles!
Guilliman: Is it blue?
Customer: No, of course not.
Guilliman: Well then it wont work stupid!
Customer: But I dont like blue.
Guilliman: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! CALGAR I CHOOSE YOU!!!! (Throws a blue ball and Marneus calgar appears)
Calgar: I use mega punch!
Customer is knocked flying into the air and through (yes you guessed it) russ,s taxi window!


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## Vanchet (Feb 28, 2008)

Thuellai said:


> This explains EVERYTHING! The president of GW is secretly Guillman. +rep.


Damn that poncy swine >.<
Magnus would be running his own Circus (imagines League of Gentlemen parts....."Your My Wife now" XD)


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Ok so, next up we have:
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND! as a swimming instructer.
We start in an average swimming pool with average water and sitting on a HUGE golden high chair is THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: Alright lads line up!
Primarchs: (general grumbleing)
Sanguinius: But daaaaaad my hair dye will wash out.
russ: and theres no beer, wait (looks at his name) DAMMIT!!!!!
Magnus: Stop wineing you two, KONRAD!!!!
(Konrad curze appears from nowhere and throws a heat magezine and a flagon of beer into the pool)
Sanguinius: HEAT MAG!!!!!
russ: beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!!!!
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: Thank you Konr...hey russ stop splashing!!!
russ: Or what?!
_lets think_
russ: (phone rings) hello bjorn, what the beers gone. noooooooooooooo!!!!!!
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: Ok everyone else jump in or your capitals are history!
(Primarchs all jump in exept el'jhonson)
el'jhonson: nooooooooooooo-- i dont really care..
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: KHARN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KHARN THE BETRAYER!!!!!!!!!: SUPER KHARN KICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (drop kicks el'jhonson into the pool)
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: Right now everyone, wait whos this?
Gang of eight year olds: yey!!!!
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! (Psychic blast of epic win!!!! overloads the children/gremlins heads.....and the pool.....and the building.....and most of the neibouring countrys)
Horus: Well done dad you managed to kill a third of the worlds population way to hold back.
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: Well you should know.
Magnus: ooooo burn!


Next episode we have a request from Cato sicarias for Dorn the builder can he fix it!!


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## Cato Sicarius (Feb 21, 2008)

Captain Stillios said:


> THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: KHARN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This one line reminded me of:






And the rest of the post was great too.

Can't wait for the next hilarious episode!


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Sorry for the wait this ones hard 
Anyway:
Radio:"Dorn the builder can he fix it"
Dorn(wearing a primarch sized hard hat): Damnit Sigismund, stop playing that!
Sigismundlooks sheepish) Who me?
Dorn: No the sheep your hiding behind, of course you!!
Sigismundmoves sheep) Anyway what are we building?
Dorn: Konrad wants a new nightbar and I owed him a favor so....
Sigismund: Wait, I thought you and him fell out over whos armour was best and he beat the crap out of you untill you agreed his was better?
Dorn: What have you been tol...I mean NOOOOOOO!
(Many hours later)
Dorn: Right lets start.
Sigismund: But my lord why wait untill now?
Dorn: I was pausing for dramatic effect.
Sigismundmutters)forgot your lines and spent the last few hours reading them on the back of your hand again didnt you.
DornLifts up crane and starts building) How did you know tha...oh...hey Alpharius...:shok:
Sigismund(now morphed into Alpharius):Is it so surprising?(Shrugs)
Dorn: Not really, just inconveinient, Im a bit busy. (Butchers several thousand Night Lords and using his Primarchieness turns them into a full Night club, complete with doormen, bar and broken neon sign)
Alpharius: Why Night Lords?
Dorn: Well you see, Konrad didnt say what he wanted it to be made out of, so...
Konrad kurze: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!
Dorn: How did you get here!!!(Starts backing away)
Konrad: ILL KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alpharius: Wait arent you a fighty Primarch?
Dorn: Yeah but have you seen his rules?
Alpharius: (Looks)Meh, Im better.
Initiative 100
Toughness wound on 6+
Eternal warrior
NOTHING CAN HIT HIM AT ALL AT ANY TIME
DornScreams and runs)
Konrad the unkillable: (Takes a banana and uses it to slice Dorn into tiny pieces) And thats the end of the show folks!


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## the Autarch (Aug 23, 2009)

bravo!!!!!!!!


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## shmabadu (Oct 2, 2009)

Guilliman is a self-help guru with a book entitled "Codex for the soul".


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## Masstadon (Jan 18, 2009)

Sanguinius is a flight attendant. 
Sanguinius: hello and welcome aboard Angel Airlines im your amazing captain Sanguinius
Actual captain: SANGUINIUS GET OFF THE INTERCOM!!!!!!!!


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## SuspiciousPenguin (Oct 26, 2009)

Lion L Johnson, is such a dodgey carpet salesmen


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## Iron Within (Mar 15, 2008)

I can't tell if Magnus would be a college professor or run a fortune telling shop.


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## Masstadon (Jan 18, 2009)

oooh ooh Mortarion would work at a halloween store


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## shaantitus (Aug 3, 2009)

KHARN THE BETRAYER!!!!!!!!!: SUPER KHARN KICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (drop kicks el'jhonson into the pool)

So Quotable.
Rep to Captain Stillios for such great work


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## Lupercal101 (Jan 26, 2009)

Lorgar would probly be the pope...


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## Lupercal101 (Jan 26, 2009)

an evil pope


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## Calamari (Feb 13, 2009)

Mortarion: Dangerous food additives tester.

Kharn: Race driver (rally, not poncy F1)

Lion El'Johnson: The nerdy D&D player who sits in the dark with his "inner circle"

Horus: Plays Macbeth in the Scottish Play.

Fulgrim: Pimp and drug peddler.

Rogal Dorn: The stuffy, uptight guy who spends all day pwning n00bz at RTS games.

Alpharius: The over-cautious ex-MI5 agent.

Leman Russ: The reject love child of the Emperor and his pet labrador. Is kept in the basement and only released to wail on Magnus occasionaly.

Magnus the Red: Spends all day working in a Library, then goes home and messes about with his Ooige board.

I'll think of more later.


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Next!
Bits of yellow armour rain down on a rock concert as Rogal Dorn is drop kicked thru a wall onto the stage and lands at a HUGELEY EPIC foot belonging to an equelly EPIC figure holding a HUGE guitar....
Jagatai Khan the awesome!: Dorn!!! Move!!!
Dorngulps) This really isnt my day
Khan picks him up by the throat and throws him into night haunter who was just coming through the hole left by Dorn.
Khan: Ok lets hit it!
He starts playing In the air tonight.
Alpharius: Hey Guys
Khan(Has one of his hearts attack him): What the...
Alpharius: I was disguised as your loudspeaker.
Khan: I knew that, Just what do you mean guys, Im the only Primarch here other than you.
Alpharius: Reeeaaalllyy. (spins and picks up the drummer and the bass player, both of whom have 6 inch spikes ramed in there arms)
Mortarion: Put me down!
Corax: We need to play more negative music!
Alpharius: And these are.
Khan: Errr...
Alpharius: Ill just deal with these. BEEEER!!
Russ: BBBBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Powerslides out of nowhere and graps both Emos in a beer hug!)
M/C: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Alpharius: End chapter


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Just wonderin, any1 want a christmas special?


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Christmas returns:
The doors slam open to the sound of off tune singing and drunken fighting.
Russ: DAD!
Dorn: Thank you mister state the obvious
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!!!: What are you doing back so late?
Magnus: Well, when I rang my messege was misunderstood and you sent blue boy after me.
Horus: (lifts Gulliman up by a foot) Do you want him back?
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND: Put him down!
Horus: (shrugs and throws Big blue across the room)
Vulkan(slightly drunk) : Whos up for a raider race!
Gulliman: No ive still got to build mine from christmas and thats after all of the Dark elves.
Vulkan goes off and destroys most off the palace...
Horus: Well done, who bought him a raider?
Alpharius: Shut up you.


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## khorneflake (Jul 11, 2008)

Rogal Dorn and his pimp-tastic thunder hammer are now heads of the GW Legal Division. he has a new hammer called the Incubus Parabola Hammer. ( IP hammer)


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## MidnightSun (Feb 10, 2009)

Lion El'Johnson is a stunt double for Jack Black:

Lion: Be quiet or I'll take you back to THE ROCK! Then I'll get a guy with guitar picks for fingers to interrogate you in THE ROCK, where we will use our ROCK tools to make you repent! We will remove the sin from your heart... with OUR ROCK!
Emperor: No, you can't make me go to your wild stage party... EVER!
Lion: You're old, you don't understand young people!
Emperor: You know, you're right!
Lion and Emperor: *Slow Motion* POWERSLIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha about russ (with no capital) and the taxi.


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Russ explodes into Midnightsuns house and rips his arms off "I got my capitals back rrraaaarrrggghhhh!!!!!!!!!"
Note to self never mention the capitals:nono:


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## MidnightSun (Feb 10, 2009)

Midnightown Doggy, Down!

Russ: I'M NOT A MOTHER F*CKING DOGGY!!!! ARGH!

Midnight: Go fetch! *Throws a dog biscuit out the window*

Russ: ... Oh the temptation! Woof Woof! *Jumps out of the window to the find the biscuit, now floating towards the eye of terror*

Russ: NOOOOO!!!!

*Biscuit floats into the eye*

Russ: I'm going after it!

How do you think he got there, huh?

:biggrin:


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## Rayza (Mar 3, 2009)

great job so far mate 
rep+


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Magnus the red: Hey thats my job!!! (psychic mega-super-killa blast of beardieness!!!!!!
Which fires Midnightsun into the eye of terror.
Then goes and shakes Rayzas hand (thanks


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Next up a duo of Alpharius and Konrad Curze:

We join our (Sometimes) heros inside a small room with a desk a coffe maker and a blood of innocents making machine thing with a sign on the door saying: Alpha Curze P.I
Alpharius: Case opened, so the case is that some terrible (Finger waggle) people have stolen dads toilet roll and now hes stuck there untill they make more.
Curze: (Holds up toilet roll) Case solved (Gos over to the Blood machine and butchers several innocents).
(Phone rings)
Phone: Hello this is Midnightsun, do you have any way of getting me out of here?
Alpharius: How about, (Plays "Sunshine lollipops" through the phone on permanent loop)
Differant phone: He...
Curze: Solved!
Differant phone: But...
Alpharius: Look behind you
Phone myseriosly goes dead.
Curze: Hey Al?
Alpharius: Im not alpharius Im Omegon!
Curze: Well wheres...(Austin powers music starts playing) oh no
(Alpharius and Lion el,jhonson parachute in through a glass ceiling)
Jhon: Groovy baby!
Omegon: (Shoots El, jhonson in the face:shok:) Shut the hell up you long haired emo overrated heretic! (Come on you know its true:biggrin::so_happy


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## shas'o Thraka (Jan 4, 2010)

haha!

Wicked stuff... Make more!!!!!
MORE!!!!
MORE!!!!


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## Hudson (Jun 3, 2008)

horus is a florist!!

heretic flowers 

*customer walks in*

Customer: "hi erm i'm looking for a nice arrangement for table centrepieces for my wedding"

Horus: "no problem, as you can see we have a delightfull range of...KILL....MAIM....BURN 

*horus pulls the womans limbs off and arranges her in a pink bowl*

Horus: "ah shit not again".....


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## Blackheart_101 (Dec 14, 2009)

Awsome. +rep


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Hudson said:


> horus is a florist!!
> 
> heretic flowers
> 
> ...


That is so funny!!! +Rep and a cookie!
Ill have to try and match that.....
Horus the Vice-president!
We start in the white house which has been changed into a garage by its current resident with someone pushing a HUGE piano up a HUGE staircase.
THE PRESIDENT OF MANK....er...hold on a miniute...: Horus could you give me a hand with this piano?!
Horus: Sure cos I admire and adore you so much that I would never betray you even if you went off and left me alone to do everything leaving you free to install free broadband to the Palace (And thats what really happened:grin....erm hello?
President Clarkson (Id vote for him): (From the roof with a broadband cable in one hand and a lightning rod in the other) What oh err yeah hold on.... wait what happened to my name?
_He can be very pursuasive when you buy him a bolt/fusion/melta/plasma/flamer/las pistol for christmas._
P.C: Who?
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!!(Live from the studio):I Can be beeotch!!!
P.C: (Shrugs) At least im not a carrot, anyway can we get on with the episode, thank you, now Horus Im busy so Im making you Super Vice-president!
Horus: What?
P.C: Its like a title that means you are just a tiny bit more important than the others.
Horus: Sure that sounds good even though you just did everything I said earlier, Oh my god a scene change!


A short/long time later depending if your in writing conveinience or realistic warp drive....


Horus is sitting on a step inside of his flagship the Ultimate Badass III leaning on the collective shoulders of the mournvial.

Horus: This is to hard!!! (Primarch sized tears crush several unnamed conveinientley placed guardsmen)
Loken: Its alright sir, as long as we'e loyal Im sure we'll be fin...
Erebus:Shut it Loken! (Shoves Loken down stairs)
_Everybody leans over to hear him land.....hurry up Loken......Getting old here.......man these are big stairs.....no like really big... like those Shoalin monk temple stairs these are.....CRASH..Finally_
Erebus: Now Horus, I heard about these four guys that have a buisness running down near the EYE OF TERROR!!! they have ice cream and T-shirts, wonderin if you want to join?
Horus: Well that sounds good, what do they do?
Erebus: Well they sow misery and war and diesease and change and happiness....
Torggadon: Im not sure...
Abbadon the soon to be gamespoiler!: Shut up Tarik, Bitch slap!
Torggadon falls backwards off the stairs and lands in the Loken sized crater made by Loken sized armour that just happened to still be in the hole and guess whos in the armour...
Loken: OWWWWW the scene change it hurts!!!!!!!

We rejoin everyones fun loving heretics in Horus's secret bunker (Cardboard box) where Angron, Fulgrim, Ferrus Mannus, Magnus the red, Night Haunter, Alpharius (Maybe), Lorgar, Peturabo and Mortarion are sitting round a table (Alpharius might be) as Horus walks in.

Horus: Now guys I gottsa proposition for ya
Fulgrim: Horus, please take off that coat and put out that cigar, it dosen't make you look cool so take it off!
Horus: Anyway, Im joining Chaos because Erebus here told me to, also the drugs I took on Davin may have somthing to do with it, anyone coming?
(Everyone looks at their own backround)
Fulgrim: Well I need a demon sword and for Ferrus here to die horrificly
Ferrus: Wait what AAAhahahoooeeee (Dies horribley in a terrible, titan sliping on a bannana skin accident)
Angron/Mortarion/Ferrus/Lorgar/Peturabo/Night haunter: Sold!
Magnus: Damnit looks like theres a bonfire on Prospero, a pretty big one as well, hey wait...RUSSS that was a White Dwarf issue 1! (Turns to Horus) Sold!
Alpharius: Yeah suuuure Ill join you (Winks at camera)
Horus: Now that we're agreed LET THE GALAXY ROCK (Primarchs form band and play what ever song you want to the rolling credits)


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## deathbringer (Feb 19, 2009)

The lion: D list celebrity that lies in a pool of his own blood for most of the day
Hours: worm feed
Lorgar: Has no day jpb he is a priest 24-7
Angron: Tazi driver works (i think you meant angron turns to khorne)
Sanguinius: A skeleton in children's class rooms
Magnus: Circus freak
Peturabo: Welder
Alpharius and Omegon; Impressionists
Dorn: Counsillor


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Bad news guys, my store manager threw out the paper that had the list of jobs on it 
So Im looking for insperation if you have Ideas please dont hesitate.


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!!!!!!: Hurry up and post the next episode!
_Alright! Its harder than it looks you know, lets try Magnus then._

Camera pans left to reveal Magnus in a cape and big hat in front of the audiance of 8 year olds from the swimming pool earlier.

Magnus: Finally somthing good happens to me (Gets egged) or maybe not

Jeff: Do a trick yayyyyyyyyy (Jumps up and down)

Magnus: Get down from there! Now, do you wash your ears very well because I think theres somthing back there
Jeff: Course I do yayyyyyyyy....AAAARRRRGGGHHH (Gets eaten by the chaos spawn that Magnus had hidden behind his ear)

Magnus: God these guys are flimsy, he couldnt even kill a spawn

Horus: Magnus warp damnit, not everyone wears power armour you fool

Magnus: (Looks into local GW) Erm...yes they do...

Horus: (Looks) Oh my god...

Magnus: I suggest you run, quickley, and with haste

*Horus screams and runs off screen followed by over a million blue armoured figures*

Magnus: Aaaannnyyyyway, (Takes off hat) Now who wants a dog, a birrd and a lion dissapear?

Kids: Yayyyyyyyyyy!!!!

Magnus: Ok now (Goes under table and brings up a mini-sized Russ, Lion el johnson and Sanguinius)

Russ: Hey Laddie, put me down!! (Absudley high pitched voice)

Sanguinius: I shall smite thee traitor (Ultrasonic pitch voice)

Russ: Woof!

Johnson: oook, moving swiftley on, Magnus what do you want

Magnus: Well basically...(Picks up all three of them and dumps them in his hat)

Magnus: (Turns back to kids) And now, (Zaps hat with eve lasers which opens a warp portal at the bottom of the hat)

Russ,Johnson and Sang: MAGNUS YOU BASTARRRRRR....(Pulled into the warp)


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## MidnightSun (Feb 10, 2009)

Magnus' was SO FUNNY! Why am I in them anyways?

Midnight


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## World Eater XII (Dec 12, 2008)

its cos your a bin man?


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## Chaosrider (Feb 3, 2010)

this stuff made me laugh so hard...

+rep


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## MidnightSun (Feb 10, 2009)

I am not a Bin Man. That is Vulkan's job.

Horus: Hey Bin Man I have some rubbish

Alpharius: Does Omegon have any rubbish?

Omegon: You should know we're the same soul!

Vulkan: BURN THE RUBBISH!

*Vulkan lights up massive pile of bin bags and the smoke gets rid of the ozone layer. Earth lights up and the Angry Marines are formed...*

Midnight


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## Farseer Darvaleth (Nov 15, 2009)

This thread is extreme lolage

LOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL:taunt:


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## grotkilla (Oct 17, 2009)

Magnus the Red and Al Gore have teamed up to form the "ManBearPig/NastyHorus awareness society"

Magnus to The Emperor: I'm Super Cereal, im telling you that Horus is gonna do nasty things but nobody will listen to me (starts crying and stomping his feet) http://www.heresy-online.net/forums/images/smilies/ireful2.gif


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

_Continuing on from last time_
Russ, Johnson and Sanguinus: DDDDDDDD!!!! 

Russ, Johnson and Sanguinius fall from a giant warp portal in the sky into a recording studio.

Sanguinius(Sitting in interviewers chair) : So MrFILTHYXENOS Ulthran what do you think of thePURGETHEUNCLEAN recent crisis on Armaggedon?

Eldrad: Wait what? (Turns from having his finger nails done by semi-naked eldar women) Theres a crisis on Armaggedon, what have you been told?!

Russ(From behind camera) :One miniute left

Sanguinius: Ok, now EldradSCUUUUMMMM we have a reliable source that you maybe diverted the orks to Armaggedon just so you could get to your local GW to by the new Alith Anar....

Fan elf girls faint in the backround at the sound of Alith Anar.

Sanguinius: Er....ok...random. Now back to Eldrad

Eldrad:No no no why would I do that? (Looks around nervously) I will now use a new psychic power

Sanguinius:Which one?

Eldrad: Force a scene change.

_You heard the man_
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!!!!!:Hes an Eldar not a man! Now where did I put that tape?

Sanguinius: Well, hectic day guys (Sips blood coffe)

Russ: Hell yeah, got to get back and kill Magnus though (Drowns in beer)

Johnson: I here you (....doesnt drink)

Eldrad: I can help there

All: Yes please!

Eldrad: Ok then POOF

Magnus the slightly confused Red: What the....(Dies horrificly as the other Primarchs vent their anger on him)


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## Fallen (Oct 7, 2008)

that wasnt as funny as the Russ + Khorne & the taxi...


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Sanguinius has imperial slogan terrets


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Its back! This time we have.....

_Ok guys get off Magnus its been over a month now and GW would probably start smashing things if I allowed one of you to die_

_Russ, Sanguinius and Lion finally stop beating the crap out of Magnus...or whats left of him..._

Magnus the Red: THE PAIN!!!! IT BURNS!!!

Russ: Hows the back there laddie?

Magnus:.....rage

Lion: Wow...is that....it?

magnus: you three just pounded on me for over a month and you are three of the hardest primarchs while I have to sit back in my toughness 3 non-daemon form for some reason...i cant even make capitals any more...

Captain Stillios:grin::threaten::wink::gimmefive: Win: (Sends the Primarchs to their rooms) Now, on with the episode!

Primarch Day Jobs!!!​
Peturabo and Vulkan as......UNEMPLOYED!!! And for one specific reason..

Peturabo: Damn you GW! Why is everything so damn expensive!

Vulkan(Munching on a Salamander sandwich) : Hey at least they give us somwhere to live, even if it is a bit crap

(Our Heros(Maybe) happen to be camped out in the Metrocentre GW which just happens to be my local store)
Vulkan: Oh look its Stillios...and the annoying one...and the blue one

Captain Stillios: Hi guys, want a game Pert?

the annoying ginger one(This is a real person grrrr) :Vulkan game now!!

Big bloo/Guilleman thing however you spell his name: You can win annoying one you have the power of the ultraqueers!

_Five minutes later two tables one with Salamanders and ultraqueers on and the other with Dark Elves:biggrin: and Lizardmen :stop:_

Perturabo: Bring it, for I have 4+ and 3+ saves! (Lots of Saurus and an engine of the gods)

the annoying ginger one: ultraqueer power!

Vulkan: Salamanders will BURN YOU!!!

Captain Stillios: Exellent of the Mister Burns kind...

_End of turn two_

Perturabo: Note to self, never ever ever ever get the steg charged by five Cold One knights, Malus Darkblade and a Master with the no armour saves sword and the always strikes first banner :biggrin:

the annoying ginger one: ive lost one squad...your cheating i quit

Vulkan: EPIC RAGE!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU LEFT IT IN THE OPEN IN ASSAULT RANGE OF VULKAN HE'STAN AND ASSAULT TERMINATORS!! (He does this)

the annoying ginger one: dont care (Packs up)

Captain Stillios: I advise taking cover...now

_Everyone but me and Perturabo takes cover_

Perturabo: 2+ save?

Captain Stillios: Yep

Peturabo: Bit weird that Vulkan dosen't ignore armour saves isnt it?

Captain Stillios: Well....yes, anyway lets seperate these two

_Peturabo picks up a bin and turns it over onto Vulkans head causing several tons of discarded ultrasmurf sprues to crush him with there blueness, THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!!!!: Is that a real word? No! REJECTED!!!_

Captain Stillios: aaaannnyyyway Pert I think you just got stomped by my elves so go and sit in the corner and cry while the rest of you clean up!

Vulkan: Why cant you do it for once?!

Captain Stillios: Just this once

_All mess everywhere is instantley cleaned up_

Vulkan and Perturabo: _Amazed stare_ How......

Captain Stillios: Plot Hole! 

Vulkan: Wait a minute...you stole that from Las...

Captain Stillios: _Fires a Meltagun point blank into Vulkans face_ What was that?

Vulkan: Nothing...ouch

Captain Stillios: (Turns to face you) And now for a limited time only YOU can appear in a Primarch Day Job, this magnificant prize will go to the first or best reply after this episode. May or may not come with special Meltagun privelages


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Finished episode but didnt go to first page so...this post..what I dont have to explain myself to you! I think..


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## Bane_of_Kings (Oct 28, 2009)

Great work, hilarous. +1 Rep. 


-Bane Of Kings


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## Svartmetall (Jun 16, 2008)

*Lion El'Johnson* - TV nature presenter, specialising in big cats
*Fulgrim* - drug baron
*Perturab*o - civil engineer. Very keen on ramparts, portcullises and moats
*Jaghatai Khan* - stunt rider in movies, often typecast as 'that Mongolian-looking guy'. Secretly yearns to do 'Hamlet'
*Leman Russ* - WWE wrestler, got thrown off 'American Gladiators' for being too violent
*Rogal Dorn* - terribly straight-laced cop who hunts down drug barons
*Night Haunter* - out-of-control undercover cop, and secretly Dorn's drinking buddy
*Sanguinius* - part-time exorcist, popular model for heavy metal album covers. Has a morbid fear of feather-duster manufacturers
*Ferrus Manus* - blacksmith. Usually wins 'Robot Wars' when he enters it
*Angron* - bouncer at a nightclub, sometimes moonlights as a WWE wrestler
*Roboute Guilliman* - chess grandmaster. Tactical genius, has no friends
*Mortarion* - does the same job as Dustin Hoffman in 'Outbreak' but somehow never needs protective gear
*Magnus* - TV magician. Really good at it, too
*Horus* - head of huge evil business empire
*Lorgar* - TV evangelist. Big on 'hellfire-and-brimstone'-type stuff
*Vulkan* - vulcanologist 
*Corax* - ornithologist. Tried to buy the rights to Poe's 'The Raven'
*Alpharius* - actor, frequently seen playing a pair of identical twins by himself. Camera trickery is suspected


_____


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Jagatai Khan or three primarchs in a boat next?
Anyway, next episode will be up before the weekend....aplause...no...ok..._Goes and crys in corner_=(


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## Tzeen Qhayshek (May 4, 2010)

One of my favorite, unrelated pictures:










Fulgrim is a rich-kid prick.


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## DeathJester921 (Feb 15, 2009)

Captain Stillios said:


> Next episode we have a request from Cato sicarias for Dorn the builder can he fix it!!


XD, that reminded me of this picture I found.








Sry, I don't really have anything to add. Great thread though


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

*Random babblings*

Bane_of_Kings: So I posted first so do I get to appear?

Vulkan: You just did, now get the fuck out! (Throws Bane_of_Kings out into an alleyway)

Dorn: On with the show!

THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!!!: You stole my colour...grrrr R.E.J.E.C.T.E.D.!.!.!

rogal dorn: what I didnt...feel...anything....i feel ill for some reason, and smaller and less significant...i think ill go lie down...(Does that)

THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!!!: Now on with the show!

*Random Babblings*​
Lorgar in a boat: Well wasnt there supposed to be an episode about us? (Reels in a fish the size of a space marine)

Fulgrim in a boat: I think so (Reels in a fish the size of most warhound titans) Jesus this pond is deep!

Vulkan in a boat: Who's Jesus?

Fulgrim in a boat: One of Dads alter-egos from when he used to start religions for kicks before he moved onto the whole *Waggles fingers on* Imperial Truth *Waggle fingers off*

Vulkan in a boat: Oh...I thought that Dad was born befor-_SPLASH_-Vulkan out of a boat:LORGAR WHAT THE FU-

Lorgar in a boat: (Throttles Fulgrim) THERE IS NOTHING BUT THE IMPERIAL TRUTH! NO RELIGION WAS CREATED BY OUR FATHER OTHER THAN THE FETHING IMPERIAL TRUTH!!!!


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