# My First Short Story - Sable Swords - A Chapters Legacy



## Byrnz (Jan 5, 2012)

Hey Guys, ive been reading the black library for a while now and decided i wanted to write my own short story and see how it goes i joined here to get some feedback on wht im doing i havnt wrote much but i would like to show everyone my first part in my new story,

Can i ask you guys to give me your honest opinion of what you think of this small piece of text so far, any ideas will be much appreciated aswell.


*A Chapters Legacy*​
Prologue

The skies were surprisingly clear with the stars flickering brightly, a cold and silent night on the surface of Obsidia, the sudden sound of a large explosion emitted from the stars, flashing light and explosions were furiously sounding and illuminating the night skies, flaming shards of metal were falling from the sky crashing into the ground of Obsidia like crashing meteorites. The roar of an engine from a thunderhawk gunship over powered the sounds of explosions, releasing two drop pods towards the surface only a minute or two before the gunship collided with the ground exploding with such force shaking the very earth. The two escaped drop pods crashed landed a few mile away from the demolished gunship, the black colour of the drop pods were a common scheme here on Obsidia. Sounds of explosions still emitted from the flashing skies as a sudden crack emulated from the pods the doors crashed open hitting the floor, no more than a squad of space marines stumbled from the pods, standing like giants in all black armour with a white trim and shining blood red eyes, equipped with the preferred weapon of the space marines a bolter. One of the marines stood out more than the rest equipped with a dusty red helmet, a smaller gun known as a bolt pistol and a black and white sword with a chainsaw like edge, as he looked in the direction of the crashed thunderhawk gunship, a second marine approached the more intimidating marine “Sergeant Lenix, whats your orders sir” questioning the commanding marine on what was needed to be done, Lenix commanded the marines with a deep dominating voice “Brothers, we must beat that filth to the ship, we don’t have much time, move out”, with the commands ordered the marines began to bolt towards the crashed gunship with speed.


(I inform you people reading this is not the finalised version small changes and extensions may be inserted into the text at a later date)


Hope You guys and gals enjoyed the start of my story and any responce will be much appreciated. plus if i get enough good feed back and ideas i think this might be finished within the next month or so, Thanks For Reading


----------



## Byrnz (Jan 5, 2012)

Thought i would be nice and put the second part of the prologue up aswel since this is the part where it starts to get interesting in my opinion lyk i said in the first post any advice and opinions on the story is much appreciated, Thanks


The skies returned to silence only for a few flashing lights followed by a fiery streak hurtling towards the planet’s surface hitting the ground in scattered areas of the land surrounding the crashed thunderhawk gunship, sergeant Lenix and his squad of 9 other marines were not even startled with the sounds of crashing pods from the enemies ships continued to sprint towards the ship, only a few minutes away from the ships location another metal object crashed into the ground a mere 200 metres from the marines, shaking the earth staggering the steel giants, the squad flung there bolters towards the dark metal object resembling a space marine drop pod however covered in metal spikes and broken skulls, the pod opened and suddenly four soldiers similar in size and armour to the marines of the sable swords however these warriors had spikes in there armour covered in blood and mud they hurtled towards the marines raising their weapons and firing with no remorse, the marines returned there greeting with more gunfire from there bolters tearing limbs from the dark warriors and killing them with no effort, “dam chaos are relentless, hurry there getting closer, move out brothers” Sergeant Lenix shouted commanding his squad to continue to the crater where the gunship lay destroyed, as they approached the edge of the crater they could see a group of around thirty five of these chaos space marines all hunting through the wreckage for a certain item, the sergeant knew they had to kill these soldiers to protect their inventory. Standing tall and raising his mighty chainsword into the air he shouted a battle cry which hadn’t been herd in a long time “Bring hell the tainted” the marines stood beside their commander and called out “No mercy for those who oppose the emperor”. The group of chaos opened fire upon the marines as the charged down the edge of the crater firing there bolters, the sergeant revved his chainsword up as he approached the first tainted enemy and forced the blade into the side of its neck ripping apart his flesh and bone driving deep into the chaos space marines chest swinging his bolt pistol and placing a round directly into another enemies skull blowing scraps of its brain from the back of its head dropping him dead to the floor, pulling his sword from the mangled corpse shooting down another two chaos with well placed shots to the head and chest he ran straight towards the next group, he was fearless and quick dodging every round fired at him he jumped up and swung his sword decapitating another enemy with no struggle. The other marines seemed to be not as well experienced fighting, only taking down one chaos marine for every three sergeant Lenix was sending to hell, as the chaos numbers were starting to reduce quickly to the power of the sable swords they managed to get a lucky shot to one of the marines heads killing him only to have the same thing happen to him moments later from the sergeant. The chaos would not run they stood their ground and paid the price of death, bolter rounds penetrating deep into their bodies and the sergeants chainsword ripping their bodies apart limb by limb, blood flying everywhere and nothing but mangled remains lay where the chaos marines once stood, as Lenix drove his chainsword into the body of the last chaos marine more sudden sounds of crashing drop pods hit the ground, “Brother Rastonos find the box fast we need to be move now” Lenix commanded Rastonos , the marine acknowledged the command and began to hunt through the crippled cockpits hull, as he dragged a small box from the wreckage there was sounds of gunfire emulating from the chaos drop sites, they climbed up the edge of the crater to scout what was going on over there only to see over one hundred marines, some in massive armour dwarfing the marines around them terminators is what they were called, there was also a few land speeders flying about hitting chaos knocking them flying to the ground, right at the back there was even a big machine resembling a tank, a predator. “what a sight for sore eyes brothers” Lenix announced with a feeling of relief “definitely sir, should we get this relic back to the monastery” Rastonos questioned the sergeant, “let's move brothers, looks like the third company is going to clean this place up” Lenix gave the order to his men to move out.


----------



## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*Hi*

May I suggest some things? I think I may.

Sentence structure is very important as is punctuation and grammar. Take time to read your work over and over again in order to see if it flows well. Also break up the paragraphs kinda like this as it helps others to read the story easier.

Prologue

The skies were surprisingly clear with the stars flickering brightly, a cold and silent night on the surface of Obsidia, the sudden sound of a large explosion emitted from the stars, flashing light and explosions were furiously sounding and illuminating the night skies, flaming shards of metal were falling from the sky crashing into the ground of Obsidia like crashing meteorites. 

The above paragraph is like five sentences all hooked together. It runs on and on. Add a period or two for starters.

The roar of an engine from a thunderhawk gunship over powered the sounds of explosions, releasing two drop pods towards the surface only a minute or two before the gunship collided with the ground exploding with such force shaking the very earth. 

The two escaped drop pods crashed landed a few mile away from the demolished gunship, the black colour of the drop pods were a common scheme here on Obsidia. 

Sounds of explosions still emitted from the flashing skies as a sudden crack emulated from the pods the doors crashed open hitting the floor, no more than a squad of space marines stumbled from the pods, standing like giants in all black armour with a white trim and shining blood red eyes, equipped with the preferred weapon of the space marines a bolter. 

One of the marines stood out more than the rest equipped with a dusty red helmet, a smaller gun known as a bolt pistol and a black and white sword with a chainsaw like edge, as he looked in the direction of the crashed thunderhawk gunship, a second marine approached the more intimidating marine “Sergeant Lenix, whats your orders sir” questioning the commanding marine on what was needed to be done, Lenix commanded the marines with a deep dominating voice “Brothers, we must beat that filth to the ship, we don’t have much time, move out”, with the commands ordered the marines began to bolt towards the crashed gunship with speed. For the love of the Emperor add some periods and break this up. 


Okay, the bad news first. The story is one giant run on sentence. 

Now the good news. You have the beginnings of something great; imagination and desire. Learn all you can as fast as you can. You will grow with the more stories you write. 

Keep at it and don't quit. :so_happy:


----------



## Byrnz (Jan 5, 2012)

thanks for your input like i said it has work to be done but with your advice i will finish it off then do a few read throughs and make sure it works, and as you pointed out i will break it up more and make sure it works well,

and thanks i wont be quiting ive got a few ideas in mind for follow ups to this one i know it jumped right into it but that was the plan i wanted to see if i can catch the attention of the readers straight away XD

youve been a great help if you have anymore advice just speak your mind this is my first attempt at writing a story  so the more advice the better haha


----------

