# Squirrel wars(roleplay)



## jopax (Aug 18, 2008)

"What!!!", shouted Dex as he kicked the squirrel in front of him aside, marching angrily trough his seceret base located in one of the cities coal mines.
"This is unacceptable, how can there be others, i tought i was the only one!!!"
"Well my lord, it seems that other humans have obtained some way of controling the squirrels, we are still finding out how or why they have acomplished this..."
"No this is wrong, i tought i was the only one blessed with this, this power, and i know my mission..."
"No one will stand in my way, if they interfere let me know, i shall think of a painfull enough way to dispose of them"
The door slammed behind him, it was one of those days, he was in a bad mood and he was letting everyone know about it.
But soon, soon he will fulfill his goal, he will rule the world, he will become the supreme ruler, he will unite mankind an he will get a girlfirend...


----------



## Initiate (Mar 25, 2007)

With a long yawn, Kasra woke up, stretching his arms and back. He got up, moving to the bathroom where he splashed his face with the cool water from a stone basin set into the wall. Refreshed, he headed to the living room, sitting behind the coffee table and turning on the TV. He summoned a specially engineered jam-serving squirrel for his breakfast. The machinated squirrel whirred softly as it spread butter and cherry jam onto freshly toasted bread with frightening speed. As he ate, Kasra looked over the notes that the butler-squirrels had kindly left on the table. He read over the usual statistics and news then jumped off his seat halfway through a bite, pressing his toast against his silken white sleeping gown. 

"Others?!" Kasra screamed at the top of his lungs, "Oh no! They want my jam. They want my squirrels. They want my 532 inch plasma TV. Holy crap, they want my techno concubines!" 

A butler squirrel arrived at the outburst, fully aware that his master would soon fade from consciousness. Sticking an oxygen mask to Kasra's blue face and standing to attention. Once he had calmed down, Kasra turned to the dutiful squirrel next to him and said, "Scramble the desert squirrels! All of them you hear! They are NOT getting my techno concubines!"


----------



## lich (Sep 2, 2008)

*Introducing Steve*

Steve stared at the monitor of computer. He rapidly typed in his password to log in. _Yes_ he thought_ yes soon top tier L33t epic awesomeness gear would be his_. He got up quickly snuck upstairs. Yes yes yes, soon very soon he thoughht. He quickly grabbed a mountain dew and a jar of pickles. He ran quickly back into the shelter of the basement. He selected his character F3rmashpwnager200028wark and pressed played. Soon and very soon. As he reached into pickle jar and chugged the mountain dew. "For the horde!" he screamed into the mic. "Steve!?" Steve looked up on the ceiling "Yes Mom?" can you take out the garage" _SHIT _thought Steve. He just started playing. "Okay!" he declared. He snapped his fingers twice then a couple of seconds later 10 squirrels materialized out of nowhere. "Can you do the garbage?" One of the squirrels nodded then the squad vanished... Steve returned to his game... Satan would get his sacrifice after the game.


----------



## jopax (Aug 18, 2008)

Waking up, slightly disorintated, flickering lights, a familiar fuzzy with a doctors mask was above him, "Sir are you okay, does it hurt!?!?"
"Does it hurt?, what should hurt..."
"OH SHIT screamed Dex as he looked and saw the lower half of his body stuck beneath a giant candy machine.
-"What the hell happende, it must be them they are allready trying to destroy me!!!"
-"No sir, you got drunk last night, you wanted some Hanuta but you didn't have money, so you picked a fight with the machine"
-"Wait, so this is MY fault?!?!?"
-"Im afrad so sir..."
-"Damn my head, i just realized what i did last night, ok is the engeneering team on it's way, bring me a Hanuta im hungry, later we must discuss what we know of the others."
-"Yes sir"
Thinking to himself, should not get drunk and go to the secret base, nevertheless things were going good so far, he new more about the enemeis, there were 8 of them, 8 separate incidents across the world, none of them were his doing, someone is interferring.


----------



## Mordeth (Aug 26, 2008)

"So, how many people do i have to kill to take command in this world? The various presidents, state leaders etc. etc.? what do you think, little squirrel?" Bel'Garath said to his black-clad squirrel. 
"well sir, not just them... it seems at least 3 other squirrel warlords have arisen... one by sacrificing virgins to satan... (altough we are not sure how he does it)" the squirrels voice trailed off into a whisper to the end. Gareth HATED when his squirrels did that, they seemed to have become a bit too 'theatrical' lately.
"Well, it would be strange if i were the only one..." Suddenly he jumped up and ran to the computer. 
"shit, shit, shit, shit taking over the normal world will be hard enough, defeating these guys will be HELL!" stopping in his tracks as he said this, he cocked his head to the side, before moving on saying "for them, of course" with an evil grin on his face.
"But first! Lets PLAY!" at this, a dozen squirrels jumped to their computers and started WoW. "TIME TO GANK!" with an insane laugther he and his squirrels launches a big attack at every gank-place in the game...resulting, unintentionaly, in that Steve's char got ganked 113 times over 2 hours.


----------



## chrisman 007 (Jan 3, 2008)

Choi looked at the report that had just been handed to him by a squirrel. _No,_ though Choi, _This cannot be happening! How?_ "Show me the locations of every one of these..." Choi searched for the right word. Unfortunately the only one that appeared was "Looneys." A large computer screen showing every location on the globe zoomed in on a number locations: the closest being the Balkans. "Ready the forces, every single plane, boat, cannon, squirrel; we take the Balkans today!" The squirrels just stood around uncomfortably. A couple of squirrels nudged forward an scared looking squirrel. "Uh, well, you see, err, I'm the, err, spokessquirrel, for the, err, Squirrel Union, and well...." 
"Yes," said Choi.
"Well, me and, well not me personally, but..."
"SPIT IT OUT!"
"Well, the squirrels want a pay rise."
Choi laughed. A pay rise? He gives them the chance to rule the world, all the acorns they can eat, and they want money? Greedy little bastards.
"Take the little squirrel away for 'treatment'." 
The little squirrel's eyes filled with terror, "NO! PLEASE! PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING JUST NOT THAT, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLE-AHH!!!!!!!!" The floor beneath the squirrel opened up and swallowed him whole. The entire command center was completely silent. "Well?" said Choi to the shocked squirrels "Go get the army ready!!!"


----------



## mrman (Jul 19, 2008)

WM woke up and used his illegal pentagon account to browse the pentagon's top news. Seeing a report on squirrrel warlords, he uses his top level pass to wipe his name and every thing about him off the entire internet. Then finds out more about these other squirrel warpeople. He then scoops out an entire jar on hazel-nut spread in to a bowl, and puts in in the microwave. A few minutes later he takes it out and eats the molten spread with his bare fingers.


----------



## jopax (Aug 18, 2008)

Sitting in his office, his leg in a cast, broken a bone, damn candy dispenser, then he grabbed his intercom.
-"Engeneering office", he asked.
-"Sir what can we do for you today", replied a high pitched voice.
-"I want those candy dispensers made lighter, i don't care how just do it, they are a health risk"
-"On it sir"
Then just as he was leaning back into his comfy chair to resume watching the Full Metal Alchemist several squirrels burst into the room, he falling over from the shock.
-"Damn you i told you all to knock before you enter, don't you remember the last time?!?!?!"
-"We are terribly sorry sir but i am afraid we have dire news"
-"Spill it out", he said nervously while getting up.
-"It seems that one of the enemy warlords, the one that is the closest, in Ural mountains, they are preparing for something, something big, i think that they are about to attack"
-"Hmmm..." he tought while scratching his beard, suddenly a spy personality kicked in, giving him that sinister look in his eyes"
-"Send out several scout squadrons, and paradrop Hanuta and propaganda into the nearby populated areas, we are going to turn the population on them"
Grinning he resumed the video as the squirrels left the room...


----------



## Mordeth (Aug 26, 2008)

"SIR, SIR! Grave news! one of the other warlords, the one in the Ural mountains, is preparing something. our scouts and satelites have detected massive action there. what should we do?" 
Gareth calmy picked up the biscuit he had dropped as the squirrel burst into the room. The squirrel itself didn't make so much noise, but the heavy bronze doors he had installed in a strike of vanity did.
"do? we will do nothing. unless he has a way to build and transport a naval army of subarines in the mountains so fast, i doubt his target is us. we will simply sit back and let him kill off as many of the other warlords as he can."
He almost laughed at the surprised look on the squirrels face.
"but sir..-"
"No but! but you can organise stealth teams to infiltrate the hostile territorys. i want as much information about the armies you will figth against as possible."
A resigned look on his...its...face, the squirrel said "Yes, sir." and quickly left the room. As the bronze doors banged shut, and Gareth once again picked up his biscuit, he made a mental note to exchange the doors with something that didn't make so much noise.
Returning to watching Code Geass on his 100x100 plasma screen, he tought about his latest raid in wow. god, that had been fun. the persistent guy named F3rmashpwnager200028wark had been ganked 113 times. he sincerily hoped the same would happen again.

(OOC: btw lich, did you mean to say 'garbage' or was it garage?  )


----------



## Initiate (Mar 25, 2007)

(OOC: Code Geass is awesome!)

_Wow, these really do last long..._ Kasra thought as he chewed his spearmint flavoured Stride gum. He was inside his laboratory, creating a robotic super-arm for his most trusted squirrel-lieutenant. He dipped the super-arm in a large vial of bubbling raspberry jam, watching as the jam sizzled on contact with the cool, metal arm. The super-arm had a heatseeking missile launcher, three .105 calibre machineguns, a torpedo, a dog crate, three pairs of scissors and a sun bed. It still felt as if it was missing something. After a moment of intense thought, Kasra's features lit up as he noticed the last addition to this lovely gift to his officer. Reaching into a humongous crate he pulled out several tires and axles, and began installing wheels onto the arm.

He raised his arm and snapped twice, summoning a butler squirrel over to his side. Looking down at the squirrel, Kasra said, "Go get me Lieutenant Nutsmasher." The squirrel nodded and hurried off, returning a few minutes later with the Lieutenant. 
"You called for me lord?" Nutsmasher's squeaky voice asked. 
"Yes Nutsmasher," Kasra answered fondly, tapping his workdesk. Nutsmasher hopped up and Kasra examined him. 
"Nutsmasher, I have for you a gift."
"You honour me lord. What is it?" 
"It is a robotic super-arm, coated in the finest of jams." 
"How could I thank you lord?" 
"Well the problem, Nutsmasher, is that you already have an arm." 
"Lord?" 
"Nutsmasher I will have to stick this arm up your bum." Kasra said calmly. 
Nutsmasher's eyes went wide and fearful, and Kasra stuck a needle into the squirrel's neck. 

"Lord, would it not be more logical to have put this arm where my old one was?" Nutsmasher asked when he woke up to find the super-arm attached to his bottom. 
"Do you question me Nutsmasher?" Kasra growled at the now-two-armed squirrel. 
"I wouldn't dare my lord! I was just suggesting that the arm would be more useful if it was attached to the stump of my severed one."
"Too late for that now Nutsmasher, what is done is done. Now I hear another warlord is preparing to attack. I want you to send a team of the desert squirrels to recon the battle, lead them yourself."


----------



## lich (Sep 2, 2008)

Steve stared at the computer... What? 
_Thats it?_ he whispered to himself.
WHAT THE FRECK!!! he screamed.
He had finally unlock his uber ultra cool armor of leet armor and its just a recolor of one he already head minus the better +1 bonus. That was before being gawked at least 100 times. Steve was very very angry.
Lousy game developers. He muttered to himself
Steve looked at his watch. "Yep its that time. That time." He mumbled....
Steve snapped his fingers a squad of his squirrels appeared. 
"retrieve me a virgin" he instructed the squirrels
The squirrels nodded.
"Oh and one more thing" he added.
The squirrels stared at him.
"Hookers and Whores are not virgins lets not go back to what happened er... the last time. Also make sure its a female. Yes I know female virgins are harder to find but for some reason the Boss likes their blood better."
The squad nodded then vanished.
He signed then began to draw pentagram on floor with red chalk...


Mordeth said:


> (OOC: btw lich, did you mean to say 'garbage' or was it garage?  )


(OOC: fixed garbage)


----------



## jopax (Aug 18, 2008)

CRASH!!!!!!!
The giant cupboard with glass doors fell down squashing a squirrel as Dex in a torrent of rage amplified by the music playing on his mp3 was crashing stuff around him, he was angered, he was furious.
How could they exclude Hanutas from the candy machine, he said make it lighter, not make it pointless, he was having that dumb engeneers head, one way or another.
The others figured, the sooner he gets his revenge less damage he will cause, so they were chasing him around the base, trying to help him catch the little bastard, but it seemed they were doing the opposite, interferring at the worst moments, making him even more mad.
Then a loud noise was heard from above, and trough the ventilation shaft fell the little bastard, a cry, a plea for help was coming out of his petrified body as he approached him.
Splat, and another one, Dex was stomping the poor squirrel to death, blood splattering all over the place, the others wathced in horror at what was left from the engineer was all but a twitching pulp of blood.
"And this will happen to every idiot too stupid to follow what i said, now scram back to work!!!"


----------



## chrisman 007 (Jan 3, 2008)

Choi had been monitoring the TV in the region. It had actually been quite entertaining. Though when this had been interrupted by one of his rivals propaganda it was just wrong. And in the middle of Neighbors! How could they...there was only one thing that could be done now. 
"You," Choi said to the nearest squirrel. "Bring out the Ninja."
"You mean...." The squirrel said nervously "The secret weapon?" 
"Precisely."
A number of squirrels promptly wheeled out a large stand with something at the top, but this was covered by a white sheet. A squirrel slowly pulled away the sheet, as if for dramatic effect....to reveal....a small fluffy sparrow with a black cap on eating a peanut.
"That's...." said a squirrel in disbelief "That's the secret weapon."
"Precisely. You see, no one suspects the sparrow. Now, every knows about the squirrel armies. But the ninja sparrow is totally unheard of. He'll fly in to the enemy base, and change the tape in the player to broadcast our propaganda. Now let him out."
A squirrel nervously let out the caged bird. "Aww, look at him," said the squirrel stroking the little bird. This harmless little-" All of a sudden, the small bird roundhouse kicked the unsuspecting squirrel half way across the room and through an open window. "Harmless?" said the sparrow in a cockney accent "HARMLESS! I'll show you harmless!!!!!!"
"Now now, sparky, you know the squirrel didn't mean anything. Now you heard what I want you to do, so here is the tape, and you'll get an extra helping of seed when you get back. Now off you go!" 
The sparrow fly out of the open window that he'd just launched a very surprised squirrel out of. Choi was in a good mood. His enemies would never suspect a ninja sparrow! He then had another brainwave. Happy squirrels would fight better than oppressed squirrels. "All of you!" said Choi in a benevolent voice. "You may all have the rest of the afternoon off to do whatever you like (bar stupid stuff and rule breaking)! Enjoy!" The squirrels, beaming politely, disappeared into the large forests around the base. He'd be able to get them back of course. A little chip in every one of the squirrels would allow him to locate them at any time. Simple. The world would soon be his!!!!


----------



## Mordeth (Aug 26, 2008)

Laughing as he watched Choi send of his sparrow, Gareth decided to send HIS secret weapon out... a rumour-spreading squadron of squirrels that spread the nice rumour that he would pay 1 hazzelnut more than any of the other warlords.
"Rumour-spreaders, assemble!"
A swish-sound later (the new doors were amazing) the chattering squirrels stood before him... alredy spreading rumours... sighing, he pressed a green button... and jumped back, as half the squad got squashed by a big hammer.
"Ooops, wrobng button, he said and pressed the YELLOW button,... that packed the surviving squirrels in transport rockets, and sent them to the other warlords bases.
"Now that thats taken care of..." he said and walked to his port, "I think I'll take a tour in my submarine. Sparrow-hunting is supposed to be fun." Thinking in his head of the movie Pirates of the Caribean 1, 2 and 3.
oh, and he had to send another spy with an eye-camera to Choi, as his last one had been thrown out the window.


----------



## chrisman 007 (Jan 3, 2008)

Choi's squirrel army was reassembled and looked very happy. Perfect. They would all fight for him whenever he chose now. To them he wasn't a dictator. He was a passionate leader who cared about them. He wouldn't waste them. He didn't want to waste them. "Err...sir?" said one of the squirrels "We have a transport rocket from...somewhere. Should we shoot it down."
"But of course," replied choi, "Go ahead and hit the red button." The squirrel immediately hit the big red button, and a missile launched from the base. There was a loud "KRUMP!" and the little red dot on the radar screen disappeared. Easy.

Sparky had made good progress. He'd already made it to Belgrade, and was a few hundred miles from Dex's evil lair. There were a few sparrows mulling around, all with shifty looks. You should never trust a sparrow, yet everyone still put out peanuts for them. Stupid humans. "Hey guys, you got the plans?" 
"You betcha," said a large sparrow handing/beaking over a large slate. It showed a load of large corridors and levels that was Dex's base. "Perfecto, lets go!" a large flock of sparrows took to flight, like any other, in the direction of the top of the balkans peninsula


----------



## chrisman 007 (Jan 3, 2008)

(OOC: Have we all given up on this? Cause I want to unleash my Ninja Sparrow on some squirrels!)


----------



## Mordeth (Aug 26, 2008)

(OOC: I for one am just waiting for somebody else to post. We had a lot of warlords recruiting, why aren't they posting?)

GM take command please  
(who was GM again? )


----------



## Initiate (Mar 25, 2007)

(OOC: Because there isnt much to post about. GM needs to take command.)


----------



## khorneflake (Jul 11, 2008)

(sorry iv been offline- i was grounded)


tobius(aka tim) was planning on the jumbo tron tv when he recieved a report that other squirrelords were preparing an attack. he ordered captain hannibal to orginize a strike force "we're going to D.C."


----------



## mrman (Jul 19, 2008)

The transport rocket on its to WM got lost and crashed into an old lady's garden. Sehe came outside and welcomed the squirrels inside for tea. the squirrels became the little old lady's friends. A few days later the little old lady had a very large amount of soup and the squirrels had vanished. Bloody Aussies.

Meanwhile, WM was considering his next move. He called for his chief squirrel to bring in two recuits. He instructed the squirrels to fight to the death and that the winner would get a bonus.

15 minutes later, one of the squirrels was covered in blood and the other was dead. The alive squirrel asked for his bonus. WM laughed maniacly and instructed the other squirrels to drown the insolent fool in a barret of piss. His insructions were followed.


----------



## jopax (Aug 18, 2008)

(OOC:I haven't been able to post lately, school has started so i have limited net access:sad squirrel cyclops


----------



## Mordeth (Aug 26, 2008)

yikes bad luck. i have perfect access to internet at school... by lunchtime ofc lols.

IC: Walking down the gangway to the submarine, he tought about how to attack the other warlords. His wish was really just to conquer western Europe, as he didn't like anywhere else. maybe he should make an alliance with one of te foreign warlords. he rather liked the bloke Chois style. Ninja sparrows was a great idea, one he would be wise to have on his side.
Making a decision, he snapped his fingers, whereupon a green-clad squirrel bearing a white flag popped up. 
"You will go to the warlord Choi's territory waving your flag, saying you want an audience with him. If he lets you in, give him this letter," hands over letter, "and tell him I'd love to be his ally if i get western Europe... and some of easter Europe hehe. Now get moving," he said, kicking the squirrel aboard the subby. the crew had orders to set him to land then stick around... just in case the proposal got trough.

Whistling, he went to the computer-room, to post in his forum. The RP-stories were really fun, almost so fun he forgot he was a warlord. Only almost.


----------

