# The Sundering



## NoiseMarine (Jun 8, 2008)

im tryin to write my first actual 40k story  so tell me what im doing wrong or right or whichever (comments are welcome) keep it constructive im fragile :cray:

Chapter Master Escarriot looked out the viewport of the Ashbringer, the battle barge of the Molten Fist chapter. Clearing his throat his second in command Asgarrius said sir what kind of enemy are we fighting here exactly? In a self confident tone Escarriot replied young Asgarius we fight our brothers this day, for they have dont the most heinous of all crimes they have turned their back on the holy emperor of mankind!!! He said in a self righteous tone with fury blazing in his emerald eyes.
"But sir this planet is under attack by a massive fleet surely we will require assistance lord." Escarriot boomed, "we do not need help from anyone else we are the emperor's finest and we will bring them the destruction the vile traitors deserve!!!" "But sir...." "NO ARGUMENTS!!!!" "I believe you have a job to do Asgarius muster the troops and prepare for a drop pod strike..."


We shall steel ourselves against what is to come and destroy this foulness that plagues the galaxy once and for all!!!!! Escarriot said to thunderous cheering from the astartes under his command, i myself shall lead half of you 5 companys shall come to the surface and purge these bastards. Asgarius shall stay on the ship in, case we do not come back Asgarius i want you to send word from our astropath to the nearest loyal planet to the emperor.


Deep in the bowels of the barge Asgarrius raged." Self righteous bastard!!! I dont get to lead my own company into battle what is this fool thinking he will bring us to slaughter!!!!" he raged taking a serf's skull and crushing it with his powerfist. He threw the limp corpse down the hallway. This is not the will of the gods!!!! he raged to his confadant, the first company chaplain... "It is simple my dear friend you must kill him..." lifting his eyes from the floor he stared at the chaplain. "Are you sure is it his will?" "Would i lie to you? He speaks to me, you feel it Asgarius." They think i am sick but i am stronger than ever."
"That you are Ikanyoos." Is it truly the will of Glasmoroad that i kill him now and lead the chapter to glory?" "You have been converting them have you not?" Yes!!!! I told you i would do my job now you do yours and slay that bastard, the men will follow you to the glory of the gods Asgarrius... you are chosen..." Ikanyoos said "We will destroy him and those who remain loyal..."

please tell me if its good, bad or if i just suck... or if i should continue my story comments appreciated :biggrin:


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## normtheunsavoury (Mar 20, 2008)

It's a good start, well done!
On a more negative note the grammar and spelling could do with a little more work, but other than that, a damn fine beginning!
Keep up the good work and I'll look forward to reading the next instalment.


Norm


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## NoiseMarine (Jun 8, 2008)

yeh grammars always been a bump for me  but im tryin

heres my next instalment hopefully youll enjoy :biggrin:

"Rushing down the main hallway to the bay Asgarius voxed to the 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th companys, meet we at the bridge it is time" Asgarius said into the vox. All of them would know what it meant, they had waited for a long time...

All five of the companys lined the balcony overlooking the assembled astartes about to leave the ship. "HOLD!!!!!" Asgarius cried all heads turned his way, as he descended the stairwell. What do you think you're doing?!?!, Escarriot yelled at Asgarius who was making a brisk pace his way, he began charging his power fist, as lightning started to crackle around his Asgarius's massive fist, Escarriot screamed what do you think your doing ?!?! "Taking command" Asgarius replied cooly as he punched Escarriot in the nose taking his head clean off and flying into the pod behind him...

"Those loyal to the Emperor take a step forward!!!" Asgarius bellowed. the 2nd, 3rd and 4th moved forward and Asgarius said quietly into the vox, "and those loyal to chaos open fire...." he said with a dark grin...

what do you think of that? :biggrin:


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## NoiseMarine (Jun 8, 2008)

The ensuing carnage was terrible on the loyalists they died by the scores in the first seconds, they were surrounded without any cover, dreadnoughts, and heavy weapons teams and the traitors had them. They were tucked into the corners by battle order and received to the front and were trapped with no hope of escape.

Asgarius ordered the nearest close combat squad to him and they reaped terrible havoc on the servants of the corpse god. "Die bastards" Asgarius raged against his former brothers sundering their armour with mighty blows from his fist, nothing could stop him, his hatred flowed like a fountain into the loyalists. When he saw the second company captain he screamed his name "Maximus!!!!!!!!" recognizing his voice he turned around just in time to catch a powerfist to his chest.

Maximus felt his fused ribcage crack into pieces and his carapace dent, he just had the time to raise his power axe he fended off the next attack. "why!" he screamed "You have betrayed your own brothers and are breaking the tenets which you swore to uphold!!!!!" Asgarius scowled "Your emperor is a lie!!!!! chaos is the way to power!!! he screamed as he swung again almost knocking the axe from his grasp Maximus fell backwards, Asgarius stomped on his wrist with a bone shattering crunch that cracked ceramite and forced Maximus's hand open and he dropped the axe. Asgarius smashed his powerfist into Maximus's chest again, splitting his breastplate and carapace in half, he screamed as he died blood spurting from his mouth and onto Asgarius's lips the last thing he saw was a monster.

Asgarius let loose a blood curdling roar, picked up Maximus's axe and charged back into the fray, he hacked and punched and killed his fellow astartes by the pairs one for each weapon...

The battle was over and his blood lust had receded he took pleasure in killing his former brothers, ha a few even tried to escape but they were slaughtered and the victory was decisive with almost no losses to them, even better he thought with a smile on his face,
they had one it was time for a speech he guessed they were all standing in front of hims in a huge crowd 700 strong, Ikanyoos walked up beside him "it was a great victory my lord, chapter master. we are finally rid of that bastard and may now follow the gods openly the best part is the imperium doesnt even know we have betrayed them yet" he said with a smile.

"Today!!!!!! we have won a great victory against our brothers who refused to see the truth of the gods, they are destroyed!!!!" All of the men roared in satisfaction at his speech even the dreadnoughts roared their aproval. Now disperse to your quarters men to await orders, apothecarys collect the geneseed! and the survivors... kill them" he said with a dark smile...

Ikanyoos, you shall be my second in command I want you to teach them more of the gods.

what god should i have them follow? to me Asgarius seemed kinda berzerkish so i was thinkin Khorne or undivided where companys can pick their own gods... but it might create animosity between them and divide them so just some ideas, ima prolly go for Khorne...:biggrin: i was thinking Barons of Khorne or Fiends of Khorne what do you think? i just realized is this the wrong section?


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## Khorne's Fist (Jul 18, 2008)

Bad grammar is one thing, but (don't take this the wrong way), your puncuation is terrible. I wouldn't nomally be so harsh, but the placement of a comma, period, or exclamation mark can really change the context and flow of a sentence and give it a whole different meaning. 

Watch your placement of inverted commas also. The last paragraph of your first post, it's hard to tell which character is speaking. In some places you've left them out altogether.

Exclamation marks!!!!! Have you ever read a sentence that wasn't in a comic that had more than one? Believe me, one is enough.

Finally, your characters names. Asgarius sounds very like Escarriot. This might not mean anything to you, but if you go on to write a longer story with characters of similar names it can get confusing for the reader.

Please don't think I'm nit picking just for the sake of it. I mean these things as purely constructive criticisms. You do have the makings of a good story, but the things I mentioned can put people off reading a story the whole way through. Consider this my "professional opinion." 

If you want to improve your punctuation there's a book called "Eats shoots and leaves". It's really good.


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## NoiseMarine (Jun 8, 2008)

i know the grammar's terrible and ill try not to make names sound the same anymore 

but do you think i should continue the story? ill try to make it better but i havent paid much attention in english class in years past, figure i need it now


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## Khorne's Fist (Jul 18, 2008)

Most definitely keep the story going, you have the core of a good story.

But like I said, writing any kind of article or story requires certain basic skills along with the ability to tell a story.
You want to appeal to as wide an audience as possible, and keep them interested. Improving your grammer and punctuation is a very important part of that process.

If you are determined to write fiction, even if only for your own satisfaction, you will find it much more rewarding when the finished piece is grammaticly correct, and people no longer have the chance to fault find on minor details and can concentrate on the story as it stands.
These are easy things to remedy.

Keep the wheel turning,
K's F.


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## NoiseMarine (Jun 8, 2008)

ok it time for the next installment :biggrin:

i sincerely hope i can get the grammar better so, well here it goes :good:

Blood For the Blood God! Asgarius screamed at the top of his lungs. Skulls for the Skull Throne! the soldiers around him screamed back. With a feral grin Asgarius yelled "The lord Khorne has looked upon with favor, for we have found a world ripe for the taking!" We have come upon another chapter loyal to the corpse god! The Patriarch's of Bone! And they know not that we have turned our backs on their Imperial "Truth", they know not the destructiion we will bring, They know not the Barons of Khorne are upon them!
They believe we are the Molten Fists, and they will die for their ignorance!

Deckmaster, be ready to open fire on my signal and fire the boarding torpedoes wil will visit the wrath of lord Khorne upon them. Greetings master Karonz, Asgarius said through the viewscreen. "What is your business here Molten Fist? Where is chapter master Escarriot? I hoped to greet him instead of your unpleasant face Asgarius." Karonz said in a menacing tone. Ahh he has business to attend to as usual, he is a very busy man you know.
"Well it not easy being a loyal servant of the Emperor." No i most suredly agree it is not pleasant either serving your false god, I find pleasure in abundance in serving my lord Khorne. He said with a evil smile showing his newly sharpened teeth and stepping out of the darkness to show his desecrated bronze armour. Karonz was breathless and shocked. "Your friend Escarriot is dead you know... i killed him with my own hands" I swear you will die by my hand you bastardous traitor! Karonz screamed. No you are mistaken... it is you who will die.
And with that the full fury of the Ashbringer was unleashed onto the helpless Fist of Guilliman, shields down it suffered critical damage in the first seconds. Disarmed and crippled it was in no position to defend against the boarding torpedoes filled with blood thirsty berzerkers.

Is that any better? I sure hope so :biggrin:

Also I've started a custom DIY renegade chapter devoted to Khorne and hope i can get pictures of my progress, but iv been havin problems with that lately so it might be awhile 

is that better or am i hopeless? :sad:


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## NoiseMarine (Jun 8, 2008)

is my grammar completely hopeless :cray:


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## Trignama (Jun 29, 2008)

grammar is much better in your last installment, keep it up, the story is getting good ha ha


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## Khorne's Fist (Jul 18, 2008)

NoiseMarine said:


> "Blood For the Blood God!" Asgarius screamed at the top of his lungs.
> 
> "Skulls for the Skull Throne!" the soldiers around him screamed back.
> 
> ...


I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of giving your last post a quick edit. Have a look and tell me what you think. Any words I changed were just to make the dialogue flow a little easier. Also, the addition of a comma here, or paragraph there can really make a difference. 

Please don't take offence, I'm just trying to help you improve your skills. I hope this helps.


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## NoiseMarine (Jun 8, 2008)

Khorne's Fist said:


> I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of giving your last post a quick edit. Have a look and tell me what you think. Any words I changed were just to make the dialogue flow a little easier. Also, the addition of a comma here, or paragraph there can really make a difference.
> 
> Please don't take offence, I'm just trying to help you improve your skills. I hope this helps.


no offense taken at all thank you so much, ill try to have my next installment up by tonight and ill look through the edit to make sure i got my grammar right this time!


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## NoiseMarine (Jun 8, 2008)

Ill have another one up tomorrow, in the meantime enjoy this one 

Khorne Lord Ikanyoos lead the traitor marines with righteous zeal, he was already covered in the blood of the loyalists his crozius had been replaced by a scythe like protusion with which he reaped horrible havoc. 

This scenario was being replayed all over the ship, loyalists dying from the unexpected surprise attack, they began to reform and the frothing berzerkers came to a near halt, they knew this would happen and had prepared heavy weapons teams were brought to the fron to create openings in the firing lines, and give the berzerkers chance to attack without dying in droves from concentrated fire.

Heavy weapons master Marzdon coordinated the strikes whilst adding his las cannon to the traitors firing line, they hit in concentrated waves upon the loyalists hitting the same places all at the same time destroying their heavy weapons teams in short order and creating openings for the Berzerkers to flood in. A smile formed on Marzdons lips as he appreciated the destruction his men were wreaking.

Even if they didnt have close range weaponry Khorne must be smiling upon them for they too spilled blood, "Kill them all!" Marzdon screamed through the vox as he heard Ikanyoos yell words of devotion and prayers to Khorne through the vox...

He had a promise to keep to chapter master Karonz afterall, Asgarius smiled at the thought as he boarded the torpedoe filled with his best they would all be needed Ikanyoos was leading the men on the frontal assault this wouldnt be expected by the 'Patriarchs of Bone' likely they would be diverting their forces to the points of entry by the Barons of Khorne.

"Aim for the bridge!" Asgarius called out gruffly to the captain, like most of the marines the crew had embraced their new lord as well. "You are the champions of Khorne we will kill these loyalists. Kill their master and they will be weaker and some may turn to the lord Khorne aswell." he said with a smile

Glasmaroad had posessed Ikanyoos and he was determined to beat Asgarius to the bridge, he planned on taking the glory of Karonz's head for himself, "Faster! For the glory of Khorne, Blood for the Blood God!" 'Skulls for the Skull Throne!' they echoed back to Glasmaroad's satisfaction. "Kill them all!"

The torpedoe sped toward the 'Fist of Guilliman's' bridge, Asgarius was worked into a frenzy, as were his men. They all screamed at the top of their lungs in exhultation to Khorne in a furious roar of hatred and bloodlust, their world had turned red like it was all bathed in delicous blood they would spill in his name.

With a furious impact something rocked the command bridge, Karonz immediately thought Asgarius and boarding torpedoe. cursing under his breath he ordered his honor guard to him and prepared for the likely he and his men would face. "Remember men we must face this foul foe with the wrath of the most holy emperor and stand strong! Courage and Honor!" 'For the Emperor!' they screamed as they stood strong to face this awful foe.

Asgarius burst out of the torpedoe his men following behind him, they imediately faced bolter fire two berzerkers fell as they rapidly closed the space between them, chainswords whirred and clashed in the furious melee. "Death to the false god!" Asgarius screamed, in response he heard Karonz yell "for the emperor and death to his foes!" Asgarius quickly found him and called out his name.

"Karonz come here you bastard, I have a promise to fulfill." Asgarius screamed at the top of his lungs. Karonz yelled back. "You have betrayed your brothers Asgarius and you will die!"

Powerfist and powersword clashed in combat. Karonz needed both hands to deflect the blow, and he nearly dropped his sword, as he felt his arm go numb. Such hatred, Karonz thought, why? "Filthy traitor die!" he said as he lunged, his blow was deflected wide and he caught a headbutt to his helmeted face that dented the forehead and cracked one of his eyelenses to where he couldnt even see out of one eye, he felt the sensation of his sword slipping from his numb fingers.

Asgarius raised his stolen poweraxe high, as he prepared to kill Karonz as he stumbled and fell on his ass. Laughing, Asarius said "Your faith is misplaced Karonz..." as he reached down to rip off his helmet. "Now die loyalist!" Asgarius screamed as his axe descended to Karonz's head. But before it could reach his cranium his head exploded in a shower of gore.

hope its good  again ill have another one up tomorrow


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## NoiseMarine (Jun 8, 2008)

is it that bad  am i so hopeless??? :cray:


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## Khorne's Fist (Jul 18, 2008)

NoiseMarine said:


> is it that bad  am i so hopeless??? :cray:



That's a whole lot better. Well done, keep going.


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## NoiseMarine (Jun 8, 2008)

Roaring Asgarius raised his head and looked for the fool who had stolen his kill, he looked straight into the face of Ikanyoos.

"Who's authority do you have to steal my kill in the name of Khorne?" Asgarius growled
'I am Glasmoroad daemon of Khorne, and i am the leader of this band now...' Ikanyoos said in a calm level tone.

"Is that a challenge Ikanyoos?" Asgarius said threatingly. Ikanyoos replied 'Yes it is, now ready yourself for death...'

The berzerkers formed around the two duelists ignoring the prisoners, watching who would win. Asgarius rushed forward, powerfist and axe charged and pulled back ready to swing and end the fight early. Ikanyoos ducked and swung his Crozius toward Asgarius's gut, which was blocked in the last second by the axe. But Ikanyoos was just in time catch a knee to his skull faced helm, cracking his right lense and throwing him back stumbling.

The assembled berzerkers roared their approval at the combat. "A little slow Daemon?" Asgarius taunted. Ikanyoos roared and once again charged his opponent head on, holding his crozius in two hands their weapons clashed in a dazzling display of electricity. 

Loosing his powerfist from the struggle with Ikanyoos's crozius, Asgarius grabbed it ripping it from Ikanyoos's grasp and tossing it into the throng. Asgarius kicked out at Ikanyoos, Stumbling he screamed "Give me a sword!" the crowd promptly refused to give him one.

Stalking in with a broad smile on his face Asgarius yelled "Blood for the Blood God! Skulls for the Skull Throne!" and promptly decapitated Ikanyoos with a sweep of his axe.

The daemon inside screamed as its essence left Ikanyoos's cooling body and tried to posess Asgarius. The daemons atempt was laughable even as agreater daemon he was quickly dissipating into the warp and the battle of wills was quick and decisive as Asgarius forced its essence into his powerfist, creating a twisted desecrated version of the previous weapon...

Yeah new one!!! My armies going nicely so far, and i REALLY hope i can get it up here :biggrin:


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## NoiseMarine (Jun 8, 2008)

guessin no1 liked that last one


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## Ambrose (Jun 11, 2008)

Just read your story. I thinks its good. Keep it up.


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## NoiseMarine (Jun 8, 2008)

Stopped writing for awhile now lets see if I can get back in.


*-------------*
Asgarius picked up the head and gave a monstrous roar, "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE! SOULS FOR THE SOUL EATER!" the crowd roared its approval. 

"Bring the prisoners!" he roared to the berzerkers. They brought the powerarmoured figures forward, "Will you turn?" he said in a low menacing tone to the astartes at his feet, the man spit on the ground, 'never...' Asgarius scowled and severed the mans head with his daemon posessed axe, feeding it the mans soul. 

Asgarius backed away, "Follow his example and die!" he roared, "Those who wish not to die tear your loyalist brothers apart with your hands and bathe in their blood!" the berzerker began to form a circle around the purple armoured figures of the Patriarchs of Bone, "Now let it begin! Those of you who survive will be accepted as the Blood Gods chosen! Now fight my brothers and earn my respect! Only through blood can the taint of the emperor be purged!"

The astartes just looked at eachother dumbfounded, some even charging to be put down by bolt pistol and chainaxe, when one took the initiative, a chaplain, and grabbed the head of one broke his neck, then turning to smash his helmet into anothers face, the room erupted into violence as brother turned on brother. 

Some of the berzerkers could not hold themselves back and charged into the fray chainaxes and power weapons striking down men, Asgarius watched the chaplain disarm a berzerkers and kill him with his own chainsword. "If he survives bring him before me first... The Blood Gods Favor emanates off of him like heat from a forge..."


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## CommanderAnthor (Sep 28, 2008)

NoiseMarine said:


> Stopped writing for awhile now lets see if I can get back in.
> 
> 
> *-------------*
> ...


Excellent! Keep going I love this stuff.


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## NoiseMarine (Jun 8, 2008)

"Stop! The Blood God has spoken! He has found you all worthy to march beneath his mighty banner and take skulls in his name!" Asgarius roared, the fighting stopped...

"Chaplain!" Asgarius yelled, "will you serve Khorne?" 

"Yes... I will serve the blood god, he is strong..."

"The strongest..." Asgarius replied the chaplain bowed, "yes..."

"Do you have a name?"

"My name was Gasmarduk..."

"That is a good name, a name of power... keep it, that name that once inspired hope for the Imperium shall now inspire fear!" Asgarius replied.

"I pledge my loyalty to you Asgarius master of the Barons of Khorne..." Gasmarduk said as he raised his combat knife and slit his wrist sealing his loyalty to the warband...

And with that the skull faced figure moved past, as he gave one last bow before filing away, with that Asgarius beckoned the rest follow the former chaplain to their new quarters.

"Harvest the geneseed, I have plans for it in the near future..." Asgarius muttered to the group of what used to be apothecaries.

Sry if its shorter than usual but I wrote it at school and I'll have another one up tommorrow. :biggrin:


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## waltzmelancholy_07 (Sep 30, 2008)

This is great mate... But edit it a little... Before posting it so that you will see some of the typographical errors... Hehehehe... But still... A good story... Hehehe...


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## Shogun_Nate (Aug 2, 2008)

> "Stop!" Asgarius roared. "The Blood God has spoken! He has found you all worthy to march beneath his mighty banner and take skulls in his name!"
> 
> The fighting stopped.
> 
> ...



I've edited a bit but used most of what you wrote bud. From what I see, you're over-doing it a bit with certain bits of punctuation. There are several commas placed in the sentences that aren't needed. You also seem to use '...' quite often when it's not needed. You want to use '...' to end a sentence where you want to leave something hanging in the air. Learning where to break up a sentence is an important part of writing. 

All in all, you have a good story going but you really need to sit down and work on grammar and punctuation location. You might want to pick up a book on writing.

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate


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