# Jokes



## Androxine Vortex (Jan 20, 2010)

Post your Warhammer 40k jokes here. Hers some i have made (most ov them involve the chaos gods) sorry if there is already a joke post..

What would Kharn the Betrayer do for a Klondike bar? First, ask yourself this: What has he already done without one?
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There is a High School reunion and Khorne approaches Nurgle. "Hey what have you been up to?"

"Not much. Just still spreading my stuff hahaha. You?"

"Oh just slaughtering entire worlds. Same old, same old. Hey look, there's Slaanesh."

(Slaanesh walks in with a leather jacket on with girls on both sides ov him)
"Dudes...I am so ****** up right now!"

"Hey look there's Tzeentch! Hey! What have you been up to all these years?"

(Tzeentch is on hs knees holding a pile ov sand in his hands crying)
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Khorne, Nurgle, and Slaanesh all come home from the beach)
"I am so sandy! I hate the beach!"

(Tzeentch) The Beach? Try the Desert!"
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Kharn is a lawyer defending his client. He begins talking when his opponent says, "Objection your honor." (kharn)-I WILL ******* KILL YOU!!! SHUT UP!


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## Androxine Vortex (Jan 20, 2010)

Here's another one. There is an award cerimony for every character in warhammer. Tzeentch feels confident that he will win the Know-It-All award. "And the winner ov the Know-It-All award goes to... Baron Spikey.


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## hippypancake (Jul 14, 2010)

all of those made me smile +rep coming your way


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## hungryugolino (Sep 12, 2009)

Games Workshop pricing. 

You know it's true.


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## Bubblematrix (Jun 4, 2009)

Which Eldar is best at bowling?
Striking Scorpions

What do you call a vegetarian Tyranid?
A Corn-ifex

What kind of mail does Khorne send?
Blood-letters

Whats the similarity between a vuvuzela and an Ultramarine?
They both screw up peoples games because everybody plays them!


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## MidnightSun (Feb 10, 2009)

I loved the school reunion one.

Midnight

EDIT: But I HATE the Ultramarines one. Ultramarines are really 4th ed, GW have moved on now. To Fantasy and Salamanders because it's not politically correct to promote the white guys.


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## Stella Cadente (Dec 25, 2006)

the biggest joke of 40k?, easy.
http://www.eldojogamer.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/jervis-johnson.jpg


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## MidnightSun (Feb 10, 2009)

I must admit I agree. I don't see why I have to pay for that 3 pages of the magazine, and I wish they made WD a bit cheaper, got rid of Standard Bearer for something actually USEFUL, (like... well, like anything that's not a catalogue. Like scenery from toilet roll tubes!) and then finally at UK Games Day, revealed (with much ceremony) JJ's head on a silver platter.

Midnight


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## vechi (Nov 5, 2009)

Wanna see something interesting? Put a Tech-Priest and a Feral Worlder in a room and ask them to define the word "Efficiency".


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## shampawnya (May 28, 2010)

How many Chaos Marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
_None, they'd rather screw in a blacklight_

How many Tau does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
_Don't know, they keep failing their leadership and running away from it_

How many Imperial Guard does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
_Who needs a lightbulb when they already carry flashlights?_

:biggrin:


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## Lord Rahl (Mar 13, 2010)

What did the other chaos gods say to Khorne? 
_Stop being so Khorny_


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## dardle reesraf (Oct 31, 2009)

tau WS. biggest joke on earth.


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## Androxine Vortex (Jan 20, 2010)

What if the Chaos Gods had a meeting with Abaddon?

"You know, this just isn't working out?"

"What? Why not?"

"well look at your last match. Your k/d spread is in the negative. We had to keep respawning you."

"That's not fair! I was playing with a bunch of Alpha Legion warriors and they all just mysteriously quit!"

"Look at the player above you-look at his score. Look at all those kills!"

"NO! That's Kharn, they were ALL betrayals!


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## aboytervigon (Jul 6, 2010)

Threaaaaad-OOOO-Mancy!


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## Doelago (Nov 29, 2009)

aboytervigon said:


> Threaaaaad-OOOO-Mancy!


That joke is getting old. :wink:


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## Salahaldin (Aug 15, 2009)

The Emperor: Hmmm, how about this:

_They shall be my finest warriors, these men who give of themselves to me. Like clay I shall mould them and in the furnace of war forge them. They will be of iron will and steely muscle. In great armour shall I clad them and with the mightiest guns will they be armed. They will be untouched by plague or disease, no sickness will blight them. They will have tactics, strategies and machines such that no foe can best them in battle.
They ar-​_
Scribe: Uhh...

The Emperor: What? Don't you like it?

Scribe: It's great, just... "tactics" and "strategies" such that "no foe may best them?"

The Emperor: What about it?

Scribe: It's just, sir, that among the potential recruits of people who want to be Space Marines, the vast majority are dullards who can't form a single original opinion or decision. All they want to do is be the strongest and best.

The Emperor: Hmm... you're right, I'll adjust a little:

_...they will have armor saves, special rules and codex updates such that no thinking is required.
They are my cash cows for Games Workshop.
They are the Blue Smurfs of Death.
They are my ULTREHMEHRUHNS, and they shall know no originality.​_
Scribe: ...Perfect.


PS: I don't have anything against Space Marines, I've made peace with their too-frequent updates, and I don't hate everyone who plays them. (I have Imperial Fists myself.) This is more a protest against the sort of unsubtle person who plays Ultramarines simply because they're called the best Space Marine chapter.


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## KingOfCheese (Jan 4, 2010)

aboytervigon said:


> Threaaaaad-OOOO-Mancy!


And?.....

Its better to post in an existing thread then creating a new one, as long as the existing one is relevant to the intended discussion.


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## eyescrossed (Mar 31, 2011)

A voice of reason on the internet?! Heresy!


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## Androxine Vortex (Jan 20, 2010)

aboytervigon said:


> Threaaaaad-OOOO-Mancy!


dont hate me because I have acess to the threadonomicon


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## Mikeybx (Jul 8, 2009)

Ha shampawnya good on :L i like the space marine one too 

101 Uses for a Lasgun 
Warming soup. 
When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ. 
Disco effects/pyrotechnics. 
Cigarette lighter. 
Changing T.V channels. 
Selling to get funds for a better weapon. 
Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage) 
Using for grave marking for IG troops. 
Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)Paperweight. 
Skeet shooting. 
A cooking utensil.Looking slightly menacing. 
Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight. 
Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly 
Burning ants

So whats with these Torches? What do you mean there guns?! 

Radio of Colonal: 
Careful of the mine feild, the Co-ords are *Crackly Radio interuption* 
BANG!!! 

"Why is my gun just a cardboard mock up?" 

"I cant get in that chimera, its already on fire!" 

"What do you mean take cover behind the bodies of the 423rd? We're the 423rd?" 

"So what does this artillery locator beacon do?" 

"When our moto says "Nobody walks away" Does it refer to them or us?" 

"How can 9 minutes be an intensive training course?" 

"You want me to put on this flak jacket? But theres a hole in it, and the hole is stained with blood!" 

"When you say that the 422nd brought us fresh supplies of food, did you mean the 422nd were our fresh supply of food?" 

"Genestealers?" 

"Holy poo! these really are flashlights!" 

"Hey, we have the same Inititive as the Salamanders, we can beat 'em!" 

"Flashlight..Warmer..Cigarette lighter...Stun...Hey!..Where's the kill setting on this Lasgun??" 

"Why are they giving out Oven Mits with those Plasma guns?.." 

"Join the army they say, see the many worlds they say, I'd rather be working in the kitchen than earning my pay shining lights at Khorne Berserkers.." 

"Why can't we fire before the artillery?..We are the Elites damn'it, we are the glory boys, the ones who get the spiffy targeters.." 

"Hey..Isn't that OUR Leman Russ?..Then why does it have that funny star on the front?" 

-"Forget THIS! *sound of las-pistol hitting the ground* Come on guys! FOR KHORN!" 
Or better... *Sound of a liqour bottle being opened* "For Slannesh!" 
Or maybe even... Sound of projectile vomiting "FOR NURGLE!" 

Aha! Get that spotlight over on them, if our flashlights can kill, then it must be a template weapon!!! 

"What does 'victory' mean?" 

I love guard really


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## Ashkore08 (Feb 12, 2011)

I read this joke on another website, its not mine.

Khorne, nurgle, slaanesh and Tzeentch are sitting around a table. Its poker night.

Nurgle: Khorne, are you in?
Slaanesh: Thats what she said!
Khorne: YEAH! LETS GET SOME! oh and slaanesh, that was weak bro.
Nurgle: Tzeentch, are you in?
Tzeentch: In my usualy metaphysical state, i can be both in and out, or neither. Or i could fold reality in on myself and occupy a space between these states, or a state beyond it.
Khorne: yes, yes... But are you in?
Tzeentch: No, i fold.


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## dbgoldberg323 (Sep 10, 2010)

What do you call a Lasgun with a laser-sight?

Twin-Linked.


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## ChaosDefilerofUlthuan (Jan 25, 2011)

shampawnya said:


> How many Imperial Guard does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> _Who needs a lightbulb when they already carry flashlights?_
> 
> :biggrin:


 Read Epidemius's signiture it kinda uses this to poke fun of them
His signiture reads: What d'you call a lasgun with a flashlight attachement?
Twin-Linked
(Same as dbgoldbergs I have noticed)


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## dbgoldberg323 (Sep 10, 2010)

dbgoldberg323 said:


> What do you call a Lasgun with a laser-sight?
> 
> Twin-Linked.





ChaosDefilerofUlthuan said:


> Read Epidemius's signiture it kinda uses this to poke fun of them
> His signiture reads: What d'you call a lasgun with a flashlight attachement?
> Twin-Linked


I think you missed my post, right before yours lol.


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## Samules (Oct 13, 2010)

"Sir! The men have come up with what they call a hurricane lasgun."
"Where?"
"There."
"Behind the christmas tree?"
"It IS the christmas tree!"


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## Ellis Dee (Feb 26, 2009)

Ashkore08 said:


> I read this joke on another website, its not mine.
> 
> Khorne, nurgle, slaanesh and Tzeentch are sitting around a table. Its poker night.
> 
> ...


hahahahaha I lold


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## Cato Sicarius (Feb 21, 2008)

Samules said:


> "Sir! The men have come up with what they call a hurricane lasgun."
> "Where?"
> "There."
> "Behind the christmas tree?"
> "It IS the christmas tree!"


Very nice. :laugh:

Being in a troll-ish mood, I feel the need to post the dreaded joke...

The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. :biggrin:

I don't think I even need to, you're already aback with fear.


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