# sisters and space marines teamup story



## hells_fury (Apr 17, 2008)

i was stuck on a train yesterday dying off boredom when i came up with this, i found it fun so if anybody wants to give me tips on how to make it better and stuff feel free to tell me, thanks :crazy:


the twin suns of Heliant set the sky blaze, as they slowly slide down the horizon, turning the dusk sky into a inferno of reds, oranges and yellows set against the back of the setting suns, the silhouettes of 3 leek thunder hawks sped overhead, the blue flames of their turbo charged engines thrusting them forwards.

In them stood a company of imperial fist dressed in their blue amour, towering over them was Brother Galman in his dreadnaught amour, standing alongside them was sister canoness Helena accompanied four squads of adepta sororitas dressed in black amour with swirling blue capes. With them stood a penitent engine with the heretic Quasmin chained to the front.

Suddenly the intercom blared to life, "ETA at hot zone in three minutes", the staticy voice of the intercom was then replaced by distant bolter fire and explosions. Captain valisky of the 101 imperial fists turned to canoness Helena "i have never heard of the adepta sororitas and space marines fighting alongside each other before, the situation must be dire" canoness Helena turned to the space marine "the heretic guardsmen of the 702 infantry have turned to chaos and are attempting to summon the blood god Khorne, we are too few in numbers to deal with them". The intercom blared to life again "coming in hot prepare for immediate combat in 10 seconds". The Thunderhawk then lurched as it connected with the ground, the landing platform lowered revealing a city that was torn apart by constant warfare, the background lit up by distant explosions.

With a cry the adepta sororitas and space marines charged forward bolter's firing from their hips cutting down the unaware guardsmen. Brother Galman in the dreadnaught charged forward, his heavy bolter cutting down the hapless guards as they dived for cover, those that did make it were ignited by his flamer as it swept across the battlefront. On the over end of the charge the heretic Quasmin was chained to the penitent engine charged through the guardsmen leaving a trail of severed limbs and charred bodies. As it neared the city a shell from a leman russ slammed into the lower torso ripping apart its legs. With that the enitent engine collapsed on itself impaled by its own weapons. The leman russ then rolled towards the space marines, its twin linked heavy bolter's firing into their midst. Three of the marines fell, gashing holes spurting their life's blood covering their bodies. As the leman russ rolled past the downed penitent engine, the stricken vehicle in a last attempt raised its flamer and engulfed the tank. The flames creeped in through the opened hatches burning the crew before igniting the shells as the tank exploded in a ball of flames.

Captain Valisky seeing the stricken engine turned to to his fellow brothers, "For the emperor" he screamed as he charged the guardsmen front line with his
bolter blazing, Two tactical squads of marines took up his scream and charged alongside him. Within seconds they had reached the guardsmen. Captain Valisky
cut down two guardsmen with his power blade spilling their organs onto the ground, next to him a brother fell to the guardsmen constant fire, he turned and emptied off a burst from his bolter, two guardsmen fell with gaping holes in their chests. The remaining guardsmen started fleeing to the city center, the marines brought their bolter's to bear on the fleeing guardsmen when the adepta sororitas with multiple heavy flamers incinerating all the fleeing traitors.

With a cry Helena yelled "death to the heretics" before she and her fellow sisters surged forward slaughtering all that stood before them, at the head was canoness Helena cleaving the guardsmen with her relic blade. Suddenly a Khorne berserker squad leaped from the second story of a building slamming into the Earth below them. As they landed they let a roar and charged at the adepta sororitas their limbs dragging behind them. Helena turned with another sister and squeezed off a burst felling three of them as they closed in. As she turned to the fourth another berserker slammed its limb into her arm knocking her bolter from her hands. Beside her a fellow sister succumbed to her wounds and collapsed onto the ground. Helena lashed out with her blade at the berserker's chest severing it in half. Suddenly another leman russ burst through a damaged housing block, its bolter's blazing into the adepta sororitas flanks. Helena and several other sisters fell, gashing wounds covering their bodies. A krak missile from a scout squad suddenly slammed into the tank ripping it apart as Helena struggled to her feet cleaving another berserker before collapsing into the ground again. 

thats all i wrote :biggrin:hope you enjoyed it


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## Gambit14 (Aug 30, 2008)

its pretty decent, i think you rushed the sentences and phrases though.
try to use phrases like "and then" as little as possible, I personally find stories with those words together kinda childish.
I like the story you have made, but just take your time with writing, make it a bit slower, and instead of using the word suddenly, try phrases like "Through the dust came a Khorne Berserker" or "Canoness Helena noticed movement out of the corner of her eye, just in time to see a squad of blood lusting Khorne Berzerkers charge at her sisters position"

you have a good basis of a story, keep it up, but take your time


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## hells_fury (Apr 17, 2008)

ok, i updated it a bit from what you and some others have said.


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## BenedictWolfe (Sep 28, 2008)

The scene in the beginning describes a combat force in one of the Thunderhawks, which can hold up to 30 people in power armour. But it appears this one is loaded with upwards of 50 power armoured people, plus a Dreadnought (which is not a type of armour) and on top of that; a Penitent Engine, which doesn't even fit inside a Thunderhawk, as far as I'm aware (and it seems to be lacking a Priest to go along with it).
Also, giving a Space Marine chapter Imperial Guard designation (101st) doesn't feel appropriate. They're futuristic knights, not soldiers. And I doubt a single regiment of Traitor Guardsmen could summon one of the Gods of Chaos into Realspace.

As for the technical side of the writing; the capitalization is haphazard but you otherwise seem to have pretty good grasp of the language. The story is very short and with little buildup, but has more content than my own, early writings. I'd say it's a decent start, but you have some ways to go still.


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## hells_fury (Apr 17, 2008)

yeah, i know about the first prob, i was too lazy to fix it, the second im fixing in my rewrite and the third is true as well, except its not just the guards there, remember the berserker's, does that not hint that there are chaos space marines, most likely they have a sorcerer.

out of too much time on my hand, (left my hard drive at my gf's so i cant play games and ive painted all my miniatures) im rewriting that short bit, i defiantly guarantee that it is much better and consistent.

as for the Penitent engine, i don't want a priest so there ain't no priest, i want a pure sisters force, guys ruin the fun.


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## BenedictWolfe (Sep 28, 2008)

Yeah, well: The followers of Khorne do not use sorcery. Khorne hates Tzeentch and his sorcerous powers. And I doubt you can summon a god. If it were possible, it would've been done millenea ago on one of the Daemon worlds in the Eye of Terror. I further don't like many fan fiction writers' urge to introduce The Big Bad with their stories (and it's just my opinion). If a great threat to the Imperium would arise, it wouldn't come from a stray Guard regiment and some Khornate warband.

Penitent Engines are Ecclesiarchal units, not Sororitas units; hence the necessity of a Priest to field them.


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## hells_fury (Apr 17, 2008)

ok then, they are now summoning a daemon prince and there is now a priest, since i dont like him, he will die. happy now that it matches up to the 40k universe.


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## BenedictWolfe (Sep 28, 2008)

Honestly? Can't say I care either way. You asked for critique, and you recieved. No one's forcing you to change anything if you don't want to.


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## hells_fury (Apr 17, 2008)

i want it to tie in, and it makes it more fun, sorry if i sounded insulted or anythng thats how i normally reply to stuff


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