# Primarch Shenanigans



## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

A collection of short stories based off of Warhammer 40k's most lovable characters.

KFC​

It was a tuesday night that they decided to get something to eat that was not from the cafeteria on their ships. So they decided to cruise down main street to see if there was anything appealing to them.

"God I am so hungry." Fulgrim said.

"Yeah me too, like, right now I could eat a whole squiggoth." Mortarion said, rubbing his stomach to emphasizehis hunger.

"How about Wendys?" Lionel pointed out as they drove down the main road.

"Wendys makes me feel bloated afterwards." Fulgrim complained.

"Dude, Taco Del Mar, right over there!" Dorn pointed out.

"Nah, Taco Del Mar gives me major gas afterwards. But I will admit that they have a killer ranch jalapeno sauce." Mortarion said.

"Holy shit... A Kentucky Fried Chicken! Right over there, just two blocks ahead." Ferrus said enthusiastically.

"Fine with me." Dorn said.

"Im down with it"

"Ok, were going to KFC."

Lionel turned the land raider in the parking lot, crushing some cars that were already parked there. They bailed out of the car, eager to get some grub in their stomachs. The massive primarchs smashed through the glass doors, ignoring the damage and the safety of the people nearby. There, they stood in front of the cashier, deciding on what to order.

"Man, I can't decide between either the extra crispy strip meal of the pop corn chicken." Dorn said, rubbing his chin as he decided.

"Dude, that family bucket meal looks oh so tempting. But at the same time, the double down looks just delicious." Mortarion said.

"Ewww. The double down? Really Mortarion? That thing just looks like diabetes incarnated." Fulgrim said in disgust.

"But is has bacon on it. Can't argue against that." Mortaion rebutted.

"Hmmm... Okay, should I get the chicken breast and wing combo or the extra spicy chicken club?" Ferrus asked.

"Order both, then we actually can take home some real food." Lionel joked.
"True Lionel... very true..."

"Okay, I made up my mind. I’m getting the pop corn chicken plus two snack wraps, with large fries and two large cokes." Dorn decided. "How about you guys?"

"I’m getting two family buckets."

"Mortarion... jeez... you such a fatass."Ferrus said, rolling his eyes at such a choice.

"What? I’m really hunger."

"I’m getting the grilled chicken combo with a salad and a diet coke." Fulgrim said.

"You mean a women's meal?" Dorn snickered.

"Fuck you Dorn."

"Getting the crispy strips meal and the club sandwich, extra spicy." Ferrus said.

"Well, I’m just going to have to get both here. I’m ordering the breast and thigh meal with potatoes and corn. Ready guys?"

They all shook their heads in agreement. Lionel stepped up to the cashier and ordered their food. About eight minutes later that their massive tray of food arrived at their table. Rather than paying for everything, Ferrus took out his bolt pistol and killed the staff, saying that it was a act of self defense. Everyone laughed at the reason. But without thought, they dove into their meals.

"God, why don't you guys slow down? Seriously, you guys look like pigs when you eat." Fulgrim said in disgust.

"Ah grow up ***-rim." Dorn said, spitting some food out of his mouth at the same time.

"Seriously, I need to know what spices they use for the fried skin. This stuff is like crack." Lionel said.

"Seriously, the skin is the only part people come here for. I mean, screw the chicken in all honesty, it's basically something that happened to be attached to the skin and also happened to be edible." Dorn agreed.

"You're already finished? Holy shit Mortarion." Ferrus said surprised.

"I told you I was fucking hungry. Say... why didn't Sanguinius come?"

Ferrus cleared his throat "He told me that eating things with wings made him queasy. Whatever, he’s a pussy anyways."


----------



## Bane_of_Kings (Oct 28, 2009)

ha, lol, hilarious.


----------



## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

Rock Out​

Alone. Finally he was alone. It was that time of the night that no one could disturb him, no one can hear him and no one could notice him. This precious time alone was what he always looked for. And this time, he was going to rock out for the entire night. Sanguinius locked his door to his private chambers and checked all monitoring cameras to see if anyone was up and about. Everything looked clear. He peered through the door again, seeing that all three doors to his chamber were locked and sealed. He tested his sound proof walls to see if anyone could hear him. Not even a small peep could pierce it. Yes, everything was perfect for a night of rocking out. Without further a due, Sanguinius pulled out his surround sound system, placing the speakers perfectly in the corner to get maximum effect. He then opened his closet and reached for a small black box in the highest corner. He pulled out a strange key and unlocked the box, gazing down at the object inside with glee.

He turned on the system and opened the disc player, excited for this awesome night alone. He popped it in, and pressed track three, waiting for the song to begin. He grabbed what looked like to be a card board tube, about five inches long. And when the first note hit, he began to lip synch to the song, dancing dramatically along with it.

_Here's the thing
We started out friends
It was cool, but it was all pretend
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone
You're dedicated, you took the time
Wasn't long 'til I called you mine
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone
And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I picture me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you, now I get what I want
Since you been gone

How can I put it, you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone
How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
Guess you never felt that way

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah, yeah
Thanks to you, now I get, I get what I want
Since you been gone

You had your chance, you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth, I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you been gone (since you been gone)
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get, I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know) that I get
I get what I want

Since you been gone
Since you been gone
Since you been gone_


But little did Sanguinius know, he forgot to shut the window, the only window.


"Konrad? What are you doing out here?"

"SHHH!! Shut up Vulkan!" Konrad whispered.

"What are you doing then?" Vulkan said, lowering his voice to the same level.

Konrad pointed to an open window. Vulkan saw Sanguinius dancing in his underwear, lip syncing along to Kelly Clarkson's 'Since You Been Gone' like he was her himself. Vulkan and Konrad could barely hold it in. But the best part was that Konrad was recording the entire thing, making it better with a high definition Cameron video recorder. The entire thing lasted about twenty minutes as Sanguinius kept continuing to sing along to the rest of the CD. It was almost too much for the two of them to keep it in. It wasn't till Sanguinius turned off the system and went to bed, ending his night of rocking out. Konrad and Vulkan then rushed back to a safe haven, out of range of Sanguinius room. They fell to the earth, laughing hysterically and rolling on the ground. They busted into tears about such an scene. It was about twenty minutes later that both of them realized an amazing idea.

"You thinking of what I’m thinking?!" Vulkan said.

"Yep...Let's Youtube this sucker!" Konrad said.

The two of them ran to a laptop and uploaded the video, labeling it "Sanguinius's Kelly Clarkson Dance."

The next morning, Sanguinius got up, fresh and new. Rather than going straight to breakfast with his fellow legion, he was prompted by a feeling of checking his Facebook. So he logged on, at first noticing nothing. He checked everyones status and comments, but something caught his eye. One message said he was tagged on a video that was uploaded by Konrad. Curious to this, he checked out the video link, sending him straight to youtube. There he saw to his horror his dancing from last night. He watched the entire thing, recorded with perfect sound and quality. What was even worse was the comments, all of them saying how much of a loser he was. But to put the cherry on top of this humiliating thing, the video had already been viewed 89,455,123 times. Sanguinius smashed his face on the key board, utterly devastated by humiliation.


----------



## ThatOtherGuy (Apr 13, 2010)

Doom​

"Hey Horus! A package came for you!" Shouted a marine.

"Where's it from?"

"Uhhhh... Amazon.com"

Horus bolted down from his quarters to the mail room. The marine handed him a small brown package with a white sticker on it saying that it was from Amazon.com to Horus. Horus had been waiting for this to arrive for the past week and now he was excited to open it up. Rather than pulling it apart in front of his men like a maniac, he dismissed himself back to his quarters, acting like it was nothing more than a simple order. When the door closed behind him, he opened the small brown box to see his treat that he waited for what seemed to be forever. There it was in his hands: Doom 3. He proceeded to install the game onto his personal laptop, excited to play the game. After the game installed and updated, he started the game, throwing his power claw and mace aside. But before he began, he noticed a small little paragraph on the back of the instruction manual. Curious, he read the words printed on the back.

"This game is meant to be played with the lights off and the volume turned up for maximum experience" Horus read out loud to himself.

Rather than dismissing the suggestion, he decided to follow it instead, guessing that it would improve the game play over all. When everything was set, he started the game, choosing normal difficulty to begin with. He watched the opening cinematic with awe as it started to unveil the plot of the game. It wasn't too long that he began to fight in the game. He noticed quickly that with the lights off, the game became much more frightening. He first ran into zombies, grotesque and rotting creatures. One popped out of the darkness, which startled Horus. The game progressed as he traveled deeper into the tunnels and then back into the main administration building. Soon he was encountering demons that shot fire at him. To make matters worse, they would jump down from the ceiling and pop around the corners. At time Horus jumped in his seat, completely scared at the random enemies. He needed to take a break. Horus paused the game and turned on the lights, leaving the room for a breather. He made his way to the grand hall, pacing back and forth trying to gather his wits to continue to play the game. Just before he left again, Leman Russ stopped by.

"Shit man! How did you become so pale?!" Leman said, surprised by Horus's facial expression.

"Man... I've been playing this creepy as hell game on my laptop... dude, its fucking crazy." Horus said, adding a twinge of laughter in it.

"Phbbbb... Scared of a video game? Wow, you’re such a pussy." Leman said in disbelief to Horus's claim.

"You can try it for yourself after I'm done. Then tell me if you weren’t startled at one bit."

Leman waved him off as he continued on his way down the hall. Horus finally pulled himself together and marched back into the room, determined to finish the game. Back into the fray, the demons he encountered became scarier and more dangerous. The environment became really small at times, giving a sense of claustrophobia. Flying heads, skeletons that shoot rockets and blind monsters were starting to play into action. Every turn, every room, and every hall, Horus moved slowly for fear of being ambushed. At times, spider demons broke through the floor, freaking out Horus as he fired at them with his machine gun. Finally, he made it to the fist boss, a giant spider like creature. Horus fired everything at her, but in return she threw sharp objects and spiders at him. After that boss fight, Horus noticed that he had the cold sweats from being scared so much out of the game.

Rather than taking a break, he continued. The levels became more hellish as more and more disturbing monsters kept attacking him. Horus kept telling himself that he was the fearless war master, but even those words couldn't keep his fear away that the game created. Hours later, he reached the third boss: a tank like abomination. The thing creep him out so much that fighting against it was a test of its own. During the fight, he kept saying to himself that it was just a game... but it felt too real. Another two hours and he finally made it to the final boss. The cinematic showed that the demon was half mechanical and half flesh, with a triple barrel rocket launcher for one arm. The fight was intense. He fired everything at the demon, his chain gun, his plasma gun, and even his BFG. It seemed forever before the creature fell. But the game ended. It was over. Horus wiped his fore head, which has been drenched with cold sweat. He sat up and turned on the lights, welcoming them like sun after a rainy day.

We walked out, seeing Leman Russ snickering by the door.

"What’s so funny?" Horus asked.

"Oh nothing... it’s just that hearing you scream like a little girl because of a video game is just funny."

Horus was humiliated and angry. "Why don’t you try playing it?!"

Leman accepted the challenge. He walked into the room, turned off the lights and began. Horus came back four hours later to see Leman Russ, pale and shaking, as he walked out of his room.

"Holy fuck that game is messed up!" Leman admitted.

“Creepy eh? I mean, because of that, walking down the hall made me a little nervous.”

“Dude, those demons… fuck, they make the warp demons look like care bears!” Leman said

"Should we dare Fulgrim to play it?" Horus joked.

"I bet he scream like a little girl constantly... Let’s do it."


----------



## deathnote (Jul 19, 2010)

awesome dude well done


----------



## Bane_of_Kings (Oct 28, 2009)

Can't wait to see Fulgrims' reaction to Doom. Great stuff .


----------



## arturslv (May 12, 2010)

Oh, hell man, things with wings!!! Oh, I almost spat my cola over the comp while reading this!


----------



## Malak Falco (Jul 1, 2010)

Lulz ensue.


----------



## gothik (May 29, 2010)

LOL fantastic and after seing stardust amd robert de niro dancing in a dress i have to admit that Sanquinus made me laugh a lot...briliant.


----------



## Thyr (Oct 25, 2010)

gothik said:


> LOL fantastic and after seing stardust amd robert de niro dancing in a dress i have to admit that Sanquinus made me laugh a lot...briliant.


Haha, don't remind me! What was seen cannot be unseen! 

Great stories. Just what I needed after a shitty day at work.


----------

