# My crappy story



## ThatOtherGuy

This is a story about a poor guardsmen in the horrible world of Warhammer 40k. Remeber kids, this is not to be taken seriously.

*Chapter One*

Aetius has always wondered why he joined the Imperial Guard. Was it for the action that they always seem to be in? Was it because he can serve the Imperium? Was it that he wanted to prove himself in front of others? He always kept asking this question to himself since he arrived on Tarvos to help fight against the orks. He was excited at first, but he now realizes the power of delusions caused by excitement and ignorance. Ever since he arrived, all he has been doing is patrolling and guarding the camp, if thats what he can call it. Sometimes he wished he never joined and instead took that job down at Imperial-mart, knowing that at least he wont die of dyssynergic defaecation. But if there was one thing that kept him sane was his abnormal sleeping pattern. He was always up an hour earlier than the others in his barracks, lying in bed, having quiet time with his thoughts and dreams. Though it was nice to have the personal hour to himself, he felt that it was too short to fully enjoy. 

It was five thirty now, and the hustling and groaning of the other men signaled that it was time to get up. His fellow privates quickly changed into uniform and hastily packed their bags for the five forty five inspection. Aetius was in short following as well, for as he and everyone else remembered, nobody wants for feel the wrath of a commissioner, especially Commissioner R. Lee Ermey, when it comes to morning inspections… Something that made Aetius found as another reason to abandon the cause. Within moments, everyone was geared up, beds were set and organized, and standing in order waiting for inspection. The men waited as usual, but was made worse when the door was smashed open, something that gave the men the feeling that this time there was something important to be discussed. The shadow of a trench coat topped with a imperial commissioner hat stretched across the floor as the early morning light shone behind the figure.

“Good morning you worthless piles of steaming ork shit!” Bellowed Commissioner R. Lee Ermey as he walked towards the center of the barrack’s floor. “Today is a very special day for all of you spineless women! We get to go into some real shit against the orks to prove that you are not the lowest life forms in the fucking galaxy. But guess what? YOU ARE! If fact, you are lower than the green defecated two legged motherfuckers called the orks, you are lower than the worm hided pig squealing dick sucking alien tyranids, and you are lower than the prissy pointy ear ass lickers called the eldar! Is that right?”

“Sir yes sir!” Yelled the troops.

“Bullshit. I can’t hear you over the sound of how pathetic you are!” Barked Ermey

“SIR YES SIR!” Yelled the troops with even more gusto.

“Now then, you should all know what to do in combat, and if you don’t, then you are a sad piece of fucking shit. But here is a reminder for you all because you are all too stupid to even remember. One, you will die fighting for the Emperor, two, you will stand your ground. If I see anyone of you even think of fleeing, then I will personally shoot you in the face, go to your parents house, kill you father, and then have sex with your mom! Is that clear?!” Threatened Ermey. 

“SIR YES SIR!” Yelled the troops.

“Three” continued Ermey “you will fight to the last man, even if it means that you get captured, raped like a sad little girl, beaten like a sad little girl or eaten by a monstrous creature like a sad little girl. Do you understand?!”
“SIR YES SIR!” Yelled the troops again.

“All right then you sad excuses for men, debriefing of this mission by commander Mitsubishi will begin in ten minutes. If you are late, then I will personally rip out your spine, beat you to death with it, cook your remaining corpse and force feed it to the rest of your family! You are dismissed!” Said Ermey.

Commissioner R. Lee. Ermey then proceeded out the door as he left the troops in standing order, muttering about how stupid the men were and how bad his pay check was. 

Aetius was elated. He is going to finally see some action. It has been six months since they arrived on Tarvos and all they had done was go on mundane patrols and listen to morbrid motivational speeches. This was it. Time to serve the Imperium in pure action. Excitement and adrenaline filled the air as the men began to talk and ask what their task is. Will they be with the main bulk and assault head on? Will they be parachuted behind enemy lines? Will they be part of the flank? Or will they guard the artillery? Such questions were asked to each other, even though the men had no idea what they were going to do exactly, only that they were nervous yet excited about this. But that all didn’t matter, they are finally going into combat on the battlefield.

Within five minutes the entire camp was standing in front of the general’s quarters, waiting for debriefing as a whole. Aetius was standing in the back along with his fellow privates. He prefer to sit in the back incase Commissioner R. Lee Ermey saw him or any of his friends slouching, for he does not really approve any sort of slouching what so ever. In fact, the last time that happened Ermey tied the offender to a metal pole and force him to drink Raspberry Smirnoff, one of the most disgusting drinks that mankind has ever conceived. It was controversial among the men, but Ermey proposed Nightquil instead, something a bit more extreme, but luckily was turned down of approval for the lesser pain. 

When the clock hit six am, the entire assembly of men standing in front of the HQ tent became dead silent. All stood there waiting for the debriefing to begin. Within a minute the tent door whipped open as Commander Mitsubishi’s retinue stepped forward. They all scuttled to the side as one of them placed a small podium in front of them. Soon, commander Mitsubishi himself stepped forward and walked onto the podium, puffing up his chest to help compensate for his small stature. He looked on the small crowd of men, eyeing them with a cold stare. He cleared his throat and began the debriefing: 

“As for me it is the planet which could apply approximately 4 annual which at this guerrilla warfare fights to this directly vis-a-vis orks. It is necessary those race to threaten existence just, in this way and to be eliminated with the name of the emperor. However, this is not easy work. Those fortified them themselves of this planet which makes the fact that those are eliminated soon in the impossible work trench. However, we finnally is broken the having which, now hit mainline with their doors! In the back section of the territory of platoon ork 13, it is carrying with reputation of decrease. Mainline passing by the defense of ork, between puch, it possesses the work of the thing which penetrates in the back section of fortifacations of ork. I fight lastly, finish work, because the failure has the fact that you expect that it is not selection! It retreats entirely!”

The men and staff applauded and cheered as commander Mitsubishi waved and walked off the podium back into his quarters. But as usual, no one understood a single word that commander Mitsubishi said… and no one would probably ever will.

“I did not understand a bloody word our commander said…” Muttered one of the soldiers next to Aetius.
“If you want to know, he speaks Engrish. But no matter what, act like you understood everything he said” warned Aetius. But it was confirmed: he will be in combat.


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## ThatOtherGuy

Aetius stood outside of the hanger along with the rest of his squad. The men were talking to each other why they were being sent down to the deepest part of ork territory. Most of the men came up with rational to wild theories on their mission down there, such as infiltration to full out suicidal bombing. But whatever the case it was, they were all excited either way... With the exception of one individual. 

“You know what… why are they sending us down there? I mean… look… we are just fresh recruits with only mediocre experience and they are sending us down into uncharted territory. Just think about it. This is suicide! Why can’t they send down the storm troopers or those stupid Karsikins?” Said one of the guardsmen.

“That’s a good question… I don’t have the faintest idea why they would send fresh recruits instead of the veterans” siad Aetius.

Such a question began to raise doubts among the squad, slowly evaporating their enthusiasm.

“Well” began one of the other guardsmen “I think it’s kind of suspicious that our elite platoon just vanished into thin air without a trace, I mean…”

A stern voice behind the guardsmen replied “It’s because they all died when they were sent out. Those orks are sneaky little bastards.” 

The men turned around to see a towering figure looming above them. They looked upon a grizzeled face which radiated the idea of a harden commando that has seen much in his life.

“Men, my name is Sergeant Harold and I have been assigned to you by Commissioner R. Lee Ermey to lead you in our mission behind enemy lines.”

He began to slowly pace back in forth in front of the men, staring at them in the eyes, ensuring they payed attention. He continued: 

“I have fought against these reached beasts for nearly ten years in my service for the Emperor. They are some of the Imperium’s most dangerous enemies… and most numerous. Our mission is to make a clearing zone behind their lines for a surprise assault on their main base. It will be a hard and dangerous task, but fear not! We have the strength and will power to accomplish this! This is a very critical mission, but if we… no… we must succeed if we want to end their invasion of this precious planet! While most of you have very little experience in combat, If you trust me, we will prevail, for such a task is not to be taken lightly. I say again, with strength, blood, sweat and faith, we will save this planet!"

“For the Emperor!” Cried the men as they simultaneously raised there lasguns in the air.

“But if we do fail” continued Sergeant Harold “They will destroy this planet and massacre the innocent population. They will tear the children limb by limb as they burn down everything that was built up here. They will eat and devour women and new born babes with their teeth, which is sharper than any blade you have! After they rape this planet, they will continue to conquer this system like a plague among a hive city! It will become a simple invasion to a full blown WAAAGH!!! If we fail… and it will bring down shame to all of you men if we do not prevail! The shame will be on your hands, no one elses! You will be considered traitors, failures and a disgrace to the Emperor! The shame will be that of such despair, that it might drive your families insane with guilt that they might commit suicide. But that’s if we fail…”

The men's expressions changed from invigorating motivation to shocked confusement hinted with despair.

“Well then… we will meet up in hanger fifteen and board valkyrie thirty seven in t-minus ten minutes. Put on your game faces, for the fate of this sector rests solely upon your hands! See you then!” Said Harold with a cheerful look on his face.

The men watched in a sort of disturbed silence as their newly appointed sergeant skipped along the dirt into the hanger, whistling out loud the theme song from “The Longest Day”.

“Soooo…. Is he right on the part that if we mess this up we would be the sole cause of the destruction of this sector? Because… uuummm… that doesn’t’ really motivate me at all to do this... In fact, this makes me just kinda want to... just give up.” Commented one of the guardsmen.

"You know what... I think it would of been better if he just said 'dont fuck this up'." Said another guardsmen.

“Look, just… just… just ignore him okay? I think we will do fine as long as we stay together and work together.” Aetius said with a twinge of false confidence in his tone.

Within a second after that, Harold popped his head out of the side of the hanger door. “Men, I forgot to mention. You will all be scattered about and will be working alone, for I decided that it will cover more ground in shorter time. Your only form of communication to each other will be these cheap radio-shack mics.”

The men looked at each other again with a more depressed look than before as Harold kicked a box over to them with their poor walkie-talkies. The men looked and analyzed them, only to find that most of them didn't work and that those which did work had the batteries taped to the bottom. Aetius looked at his and noticed the date on it, for it was posted on the bottom that these were made in 1999. 

“Well” one of the guardsmen began “It looks like this whole saving the Imperium thing is not so much fun anymore… but uhhh… never mind, let’s just get over to the stupid plane and get this over with.”

The men proceeded to move to the hanger with nothing more than their packs, lasguns, and a sense of inevitable doom hovering over their minds as they boarded their flight.

Aetius and his fellow comrades sat aboard the valkyrie silently as they were flying over into ork territory. Aetius and the men were all nervous, looking at each other with very little confidence and hope. Aetius peered over to see what was outside of the window. He looked on to see nothing more than a sea of trees and mountains, an obvious indicator that they won’t be coming back once on the ground. But yet, it gave Aetius a little comfort to know that he won’t be in a muddy hell hole called a camp for a long time.

“All right men listen up!” Harold yelled as the cockpit door swung open, only to smash into one of the guardsmen sitting next to it. “We are going to drop off in about t-minus five minutes. We are in the deepest part of ork territory, so if anyone of you has a little hope of returning, it would be a good time to just admit that you are most likely going to die horribly. Anyhow, here are your parachutes!”

Harold began to throw the men each of their parachute bags. Aetius looked at his parachute and could tell that these were nothing more than rehashed pieces of cloth and rags stuffed into a gym back with two straps to hold onto with the traditional imperial signum stitched to the side. He watched as the other men tried to put them on, only to see that most of them got tangled in the un-proportional straps.

“These parachutes are a bit old, but they still function properly. Now then, in order to release your parachute, you first pull the green cord, then the light green cord, then the dark green cord, then the pine-forest green cord, next the lime green cord, then the green cord that looks like the lime green cord but slightly darker and then finally the dark green cord that has more of a blue tint to it than the regular dark green cord.” Said Harold as he pointed to the straps that were about the size of small sticky-note.

The men looked at him with utmost confusion on what he said about the parachutes, but everyone pretended to understand what he said. Sergeant Harold then whipped out his GPS. The little machine beeped, and with that Harold walked to back hatch of the plane and kicked it open. The door flew off and the next thing the men realized is that they were much higher up above the ground than they thought they were.

“Okay men, here we are! Remember what I said about the orks and how the fate of this sector rests upon your hands! Give the signal when you guys find a good spot for reinforcements.” Harold said cheerfully.

“But wait… what were the instructions about the parachute again?” Said one of the guardsmen standing next to the open hatch.

“What did you say soldier? Did you want to go first? I really cant hear you!” Yelled Harold.

“I said, what were the instructions about the parachute—AAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!!”
Aetius saw the poor man fly out the hatch after sergeant Harold pushed him, screaming as he swiftly fell to his doom.

“I gotta admit, that man had a ton of enthusiasm about this mission!” Yelled Harold at the frighten troops, all staring at him like he was some sort of mentally insane serial murderer.

"Oh! I forgot to mention" he continued "I actually wont be accompanying you guys on this. I said all of that stuff to just to make you guys feel somewhat important so you would be motivated to do this. Anyhow, hope you all know what to do!"

One by one the men jumped out, each of them fanatically pulling the cords to unleash the parachute, in which most of them achieved... most of them.


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## ThatOtherGuy

Okay, last part of chapter one my apathetic friends.

The rusteling of trees following and the talking of men were the dominant sound as Aetius lifted his head up. He sat on his knees, only to learn that his vision was distorted by the mud and a burning sensation in his genital area.

"Dam dude. You must had one hell of a fall. Im suprised that you survived... well, not entirely. I mean, you did hit every single branch on the way down and then smashed you face into this soft mud... Also you've been out for the past two days."

Aetius looked up at the private and simply mumbled "thanks" in return. Rising up from the mud and wiping it off his face, he looked around to see that it was him and a few other men that survived. They all looked like a pack of beaten dogs, but yet still retained their sanity. The mission, as if he could call it anymore, was a complete fiasco. With all of the squad dead beside the three that stood in front of him, total defeat just laid around the next corner for them. Aetius dragged himself to a log and sat down, burying his face into his dirt crusted hands. Two of soldiers did the same, showing equal despaire and frusteration.

"Ok guys... What did I miss out on?" Aetius asked.

"Well... after the drop in, most of us tried to meet up so we could do this as a team, but it turned out that most of the squad either died from parachute malfunctions or ambushed by ork kommandos. After that,we spent the next day trugding through the woods until we saw you in the mud. Carl over here tired to wake you... it wasn't till he shocked you in the balls with a make-shift taser out of your radio battery till you woke... which was another mistake, for you see... uhhhmm... your radio was the only one that worked. And that is why we are here and also why you crouch hurts" the private answered.

"You guys woke me up through shocking me in the balls?! And through that you destroyed our only way of communication to the outside world?! What the hell is wrong with you guys?!" screamed Aetius.

"Well, we didn't know that your radio was the only working one after we pumped 200 watts in your genital area... but look on the bright side... we are all still alive!" the private said in a last desperate attempt to make their method of reviving Aetius justified.

Aetius stood up and walked away and started to curse out loud as he headed behind the brush, shaking his clentched hand furiously towards the sky. The three others looked at him, feeling some regret for what they did in order to wake him up.

"Did you tell him that we probably fried his 'man-juice' to the point of infertility?" Whisperd Carl to the private.

"Naaa... I think the poor man has had enough trouble already." He replied.
It was about an half hour later that Aetius walked back to the log and slumped back onto it, drentched in the mixed feeling of frusteration and dissapointment in this situation. He glared at the rest of the men, hinting that he was not happy at all about this, especially the taser-revival. They tried to calm Aetius down with small talk and some jokes, which worked for the most part, but it wasn't long till the message of failure reached through the others as Aetius was feeling right now. They sat there, stareing at each other with signs of defeat.

"Well" said Carl as he stood up "since we all know that we have failed miserably with this mission and we are all going to die either way out here, might as well have some fun before we all kick the can."

"What do you mean?" said the private curiously.

"Let me explain..." Grinned Carl. "This game is called 'How we are going to die'. The rules are that you must predict your death and describe it... who evers prediction is the worst wins! Its just that easy!"

The others looked at him horrified.

"Thats the most morbrid and terrible game I have ever heard of! I mean, here we are, sitting in ork territory out in the middle of nowhere with the pain of failure in our consciness, and you decide that we should predict our own deaths as a sort of last minute piece of entertainment?! What the fuck is wrong with you?" 

"Well... you see here Aetius... well... let me go first and you will see how fun it is." Rebuttled Carl.

He held his hands up using them to set a scene for his prediction, even though the others looked at him with a lack of excitment.

"Okay, I predict that my death will be at the hands of a ork nob... and he will... uhhh... tear me apart with a power claw... then he will place my head on his trophy rack and proceed to use my corpse as some sort of sports equipment. Now one of you guys try." Started Carl trying to show some expression that his game was truly fun.

"No... Just... No... Just shut the hell up and sit down, will ya?" Said the private.

Carl, disgrunteled at his failure of trying to lighten things us, sat down on the log. It wasn't too long before they began to talk about on how they are going to get out of here. At first some of the plans seemed quiet plausable and rational to execute, but they kept running into the scenario with the mountains and orks as major problems to succeed in their plan. They continued until it was the peak of day. Deciding that they had enough brainstorming, they began to eat what was left of their rations. Half way through their so called lunch, a mysterious noise began to rang out of the the guardsmen's bag.

BZZZZD!!! BZZZZZD!!! BZZZZZZZD!!!

Aetius, Carl and the private swung their heads to the guardsmen sitting at the far end of the log. He too was suprised at this sound. Searching around, they found that the mysterious buzzing came from the man's bag. He scrambled through his bag, to find that the source of this buzz came from a small black object. He pulled it out, only to look in the reflection of a bright neon screen that showed a message.

"Oh, sorry lads, it was my iphone making that noise. Apparently someone just friend invited me on Facebook here... Can you guys just give me a minute to see who this is?.. also I should update my Facebook status here-"

"Wait wait wait wait wait... You had a iphone all this time and you didn't tell anyone about this?!!?" Aetius screamed as he cutted off the guardsman.

"Well, you guys just never asked."

The men looked at the guardsmen with their faces burning red full of rage. Carl screamed with the anger of a thousand orks at the top of his lungs as he lunged towords the man. He landed on top of him, yelling and swearing as he throbbed the poor man's head up and down into the dirt. Even though they were pissed, Aetius and the private grabbed hold of Carl and dragged him back, with him threating the man with his life. With the little stuff they had left in their bags, they tied Carl up to a tree so he could calm down from his spaz attack. The guys just sat their, slowly venting their anger and frusteration till they had themselves under control.

"Well, even with the iphone we still have no way of calling reinforcements" the private said.

"Oh, I actually have an application on this phone that can contact the base via radio... its quiet amazing what they have on this thing."

Aetius snapped the phone away from his hands and began fiddleing with the program. After some moments, he got onto the frequency that was needed to contact the base.

"This is fort Lawton speaking."

"Uh, yes, this is Aetius from squad 41, we have found a clearing zone for reinforcements and would need them on the double"

"We have found your location and we will be their shortly. Please meet up at a clearing zone large enough for us to land. There is one five miles away from your position up north."

The men rejoiced as to what they heard. Not only that they will recieve aid, but they also succeeded in their mission! They grabbed their packs and started running towards the clearing five miles north. It was tough trek through the mud, woods and the plants, but the men were so excited that these obsitcals were nothing to care for in their path. They ran and ran until they found the LZ. It was a large clearing in the forest, a patch of grass and some rocks. They sat down from exaustion but it mattered not for them. They are going to be saved. The iphone began to ring again and Aetius answered without hesitation.

"This is Aetius from squad 41 speaking"

_"Greetings Aetius, this is Marcus, we see your position and will be their in t-minus eight minutes."_

They all looked up to see a small grey shape in the sky. It was a transport. A very large transport. Aetius was about to shut off the iphone until he heard shouting and argueing on the other end.

_"Hey, hey! You keep your hands on your side Trevor. I controll this side of the cockpit, and you control your side. That means you keep track of your buttons over there, and I keep track of mine here."_
The men looked at each other in slight confusement as to what is going on, only to see the plane comming closer.

_"So this is how you want to play Trevor?! How would you like it if I started to push buttons on your side!... Thats it I had enough of this!"_

They watched as the plane began to swing back in forth in the sky, tetering and shaking violently.

_"Dont touch my steering wheel like that you asshole!!... Take that you douchebag, now you dont have a steering wheel!!"_

One of the engines on the side of the plane combusted in flames seconds after that. The plane began to spin wildly out of control as it steered off to the side dramatically. The men watched in horror to see the massive plane smashed into the side of the mountain, defacing the giant piece of earth with smoke and ash. Their jaws dropped at the sight of this. There will be no reinforcements.


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## arturslv

A sweet story, man, funny as well... "Dont touch my steering wheel...!"


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## ThatOtherGuy

I just felt like writing something else besides bolter porn.


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## ThatOtherGuy

And Heres Moar!

"Great. Just bloody fucking shit-tastic great!" Cried the private "After four days of hell plus the wieght of the world on our heads, two fucking twats flying an air bus decide it would be fun to fly everything that we need into a mountain!"

The rest of the men looked at him with sympathy, thinking the same thing as well. The private kept screaming and yelling curses as he went on his little tantrum in the back brush while the others just muttered about thier poor luck. Aetius sat their and watched the burning rubble on the side of the mountain, looking at it as his last bits of hope floated away from him. But as the men kept themselves quiet with their frusteration, the private continued with his rage as he walked deeper into the forest.

"Fucking ass shit Imperial Guard! Then send us to this hell hole camp and then threw us in the middle of nowhere to get killed! Fucking assholes! God, if I had the chance to punch our so-called seargent in the face, I would do so! That fucking cock sucker bitch as- OOFFF"

The private fell backwards onto the ground, rubbing his nose furiously to sooth the pain as to what it ran into. He looked up to see what stopped him, thinking that it was a tree of some sort. Instead he gazed upon a rusty breast plate with a crudly painted on sun with sharp teeth. He continued to look up to see that breast plate had a mean and green ugly head attached to hit, grinning with delight.

"Wot do we have ere?"

Aetius and the others stood up in suprise to hear a high pitch scream followed by laughter. They all looked at each other and with just the subliminal looks on their faces it was clear: the orks are here. Aetius and the men started to sprint north with fear forceing them to hallucinate that their could be shelter up in the north. The ran with all they had left, but it was that of no use; they could hear them right behind them. One of the men turned his head around to see how far behind they were, only to be struck down by a low branch that he was not aware of in front of him. That left only with Carl and Aetius.

"Do you know where we are going my friend!?" gasped Aetius.

"As far away from them to say the least!"

Carl turned his head forward again only to witness a massive claw comming straight at him. The wielder of the claw swept up Carl and sliced him in half.

"Oi! I bet is bodie is good fer some sort ov sport, eh? Also da hed is mine!" Chuckled the nob.

Aetius cared not for the fate of Carl. His adrenilne was the master of his body now, and the only thing that it was commanding him to do was run. His legs began to wobble from sprinting so much but he could not stop. He thought he was in the clear until he looked forward. He dug his heels in the dirt, only to stop a few paces infront of the ork group. They all looked at him with childish glee, brandishing their knives and axes as to prepare for the kill.

"Lets chop him up!" Shouted on ork.

"Na ya stupid git! Lets stab im!" Rebuttled another ork.

Soon, Aetius was standing in front of an group of orks, arguing over how they should deal his fate.

"All ight, all ight boyz! How bout this em, wez stabbz em an then chopps him upz?" Roared the nob as he pushed his way towards the front. He stared at Aetius with a wide and evil grin that stretched across his face.

"Oi! Since when did ya kall em shots around ere?!" Yelled one of the orks. "Last week, you wer not holding da posishon to lead en group ere!"

The nob rolled his eyes and looked at the group "Dont anyone of ere rememberz last weeks elekshons?"

Some of the orks stood in silence while some of them shook their heads and muttered in their reply.

"Ight them, for those who were not there for em elekshons, we've voted for dem on whoz gonna be in da offise ov leedar ship. Me waz chosen to lead ya gitz on thes misshon. Yaz gots et?"

"Buts ar'nt yaz from eh dakka parte?" Asked one of the smaller orks.

"Ya got thats ight." Boasted the nob.

"If at so, then whys yerz leeden us then? This mob voted for eh choppa parte."

The nob buried his face in his palm and released a large sigh. He replied:

"Its does not matterz for ya vote for. Me waz put en charge of yoz boyz bi Gargerensis."

"Wait e'minut... I thought wez were a sosiety based off ov marshial power en size, not ov dis voten sutff?" Asked one of the other orks.

"No ya stoopid git, thats waz don away bout a yeer ago. Too many boyz were gettin too big to decide, so we's changed et to a demokratic system." Said one of the other orks as he slapped the questioner on the back side of the head.

"Thats ight boy, wez votes for ya warboss Gargerensis, en from that he choze me to lead ya" said the nob.

"But that dont make en troo demokratic system. We vote for teh warboss, but then he'as all them power. That make'it a monarky or in some sense, a diktatorship." Snubbed the ork in return.

"No ya git, its not a monarky... let me explain. We, teh orks, vote on our warboss. In elekshon, we vote for one of em two bosses. Whoz ever getz dem most votes is da warboss, which should be quite obvios. Though both bosses er supported bi either dem dakka party ors choppa party. Em two parties'er what make em different from a monarky. Why dem two parties? Bekause dem two parties have diff'ernt interests based off of teh boyz. After dat, teh warboss takes office an is sworn in by the oath of teh WAAAGH!!! He is den warboss of teh clan. But es power en office es checked by da senate, made up of both dem dakka and choppa party, which makes it completely different from a diktatorship. Teh can overturn or approve da warboss's deshishons, such as a WAAAGH!!! And through all of dat, I am voted to lead you boyz. Gotz it?"

All of the orks began to come to realization and started to shake their heads in agreement. The nob, feeling accomplished to what he has reminded the boys, turns around back to Aetius.

"Boss, hez gone!"



Aetius stopped and took a minute to catch his breath. He sat down to peer over the edge of the cliff to see the orks trying to pursue him, but overall confused onto where he went. This gave him some precious time to drink whats left of his canteen and take a breather. He heard them below as they called each other stupid for losing him. With his vigor back, he slowly crept along the edge of the cliff till he was behind the group of orks. He walked slowly until their voices and cries were no more. He continued until he reached the clearing were the supposed reinforcements were to arrive. Scavengering around, Aetius only found the remains of his squads bags before they ran off from danger prior. Finding only some rations and an extra canteen, it was enough to make him feel a bit more light hearted about this situation. He thought to himself that they flew north to this position, so camp must be towards the south, guessing it might be about two hundred miles away. If he could get close enough to front lines, then he could catch a ride back to base and gear up again.

Aetius gathered himself and pressed forward. Setting afoot, he traveld for about five hours before the inevitable would happen.

"Found ya you humie!" Yelled the nob as he jumped out of the brush. 

Followed by an additional twelve orks, they surrounded him with blades out and guns pointed.

"All ight, Im gonna make dis a speshul day for ya punie hummie!" The nob said as he raised his claw.

"WAIT!" said Aetius lifting his hands up in the air.

"Wot is it?"

"If you kill me... then... then you wont find the super secret treasure!" Aetius said.

The orks stopped. Looking at each other with confusion, they put their weapons down to listen to his words. The nob was very suspicious about Aetius's claim and asked:

"So wats this super secret treasure?"

Aetius thought for a moment. That first sentance he said saved him but he didn't think far ahead enough to finish talking himself out of this.

"This... this... treasure was buried here along time ago by anctient humans... uhhh... the treasure itself was so precious that they hid it among the mountains and buried it so deep that it would an entire army to dig up!" Aetius said while forcing a grin on his face.

The orks looked at him with more interest and began to talk quietly to each other. The nob looked at them and started to slowly buy into this lie that Aetius was making up.

"But you see" Aetius continued "There is not only gold... but... but... weapons! Yes! Very powerful weapons! Weapons so powerful that they can tear a baneblade apart with a single beam!"

The looks on the orks faces turned wild with excitment. Their lust for killing Aetius had turn into a lust for weapons, with their eys and ears turned on him waiting for more descriptions about this treasure trove.

"With weapons like these, you can conquer systems in matter of days! You can finnally destroy your rivals and become super warbosses in your own right!"

The orks became uncontrollable with excitment now. 

"All ight boyz, settle down! You humie'ar much mor precious dan we thought yer be." The nob snarled while showing a diabolical smile.

Aetius was elated that we wasn't going to die... for now. Closing his eyes for a moment, he opened up only to see a fist fly into his face, only to feel, hear or see nothing for along time after that.



His head blaring with pain and noise, Aetius woke up to find himself tied to a chair surrounded by hundreds of orks in a dimly lit room. Guns and axes were all branished as the green horde looked at him. His attention, however, was turned away when a huge green machine stepped forward and peered straight down at him. Aetius could only guess that this was Gargerensis... the warboss.

"So yaz tellen me dat this humie knows were da super sekret treasure is dat youz all talken 'bout?" Spat Gargerensis.

"Ya boss, dis is da humie" the familar nob replied.

Gargerensis squinched his eyes and looked straight into Aetius's face. He could see the drool and mechanical work on the warbosses face as the beast analyized him.

"So... if ya really trufful about dis treasure... den why dont youz tells us ere?" Gargerensis said, as he looked towards the crowd giving them a look like he exposed the lie that they bought into.

"Sure... sure I can tell you. But I cant really put it into words... but I can easily draw it out if I may have a piece of paper and a pen of some sort..."

A nob came with a piece of bark and a knife and slammed it on the table infront of Aetius. They untied him briefly for him to preform the task, but kept a close eye on him. Aetius grabbed the knife and began etching a circle in the middle to represent the base. He had no idea on the geography of their position, so as a last desporate grasp to save himself, he randomingly etched some mountains on the side with some river in between. He finished it by drawing a squigglely line that ended at a x on the other end of the bark. The orks looked at him with curiousity after he was done like he was some sort of demi-god. Gargerensis snatched the piece of bark and anaylized it.

"I NEW IT!!" Roar Gargernsis, smashing the table infront of Aetius. "Its just a big joke on us orks! All of dem directions is wrong!"

This was it. Aetius was dead. He never though that his demise would be at the hand of the warboss himself. He closed his eyes and silently prayed for a swift and mercyful death. Suddenly, Gargerensis pointed out:

"You got dis map upside down, ya stoopid humie."

Aetius looked up to see the warboss turn the map upside down, changing from pure anger to pride.

"All ight boyz listen up ere! We gonna get us some big dakka! So, pack all of dem stuff of yers and lets get moving! We got a speshul map and some speshul choppas to get!"

The orks yelled in glorious joy as Gargerensis stormed out of the room holding the map in the air. They were so excited that they left Aetius untied and unwatched. He peered out of the window to see hundred upon hundreds of orks pileing up supplies and tools on top of sqiggoths and trucks. It was a spectacular sight to behold, for withing about ten minutes, the fort went from a bustling war zone to completely empty. Aetius walked out side to see all of the orks storm out of the fort and dissapear into the woods, yelling and shooting their weapons into the air with joy. Aetius, now alone in the camp with not a single creature in sight, slowly began to walk out of the fort's unbarred gates, whistening the theme song from "The Longest Day".


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## Iron_Tyson

the title is misleading ....i liked.


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## Davidicus 40k

Your self-confidence is astounding. It wasn't half bad!


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## ThatOtherGuy

I did the thread title for the lulz


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## ThatOtherGuy

Moar!.. I mean, Chapter 3

With the orks gone to the other side of the mountains, Aetius was finally alone. At first it felt very unnatural for him to be completely alone, but he soon embraced this tranquility as more of a blessing than a curse. As he walked past the gates of the fort, he saw ahead the endless forest. When he first was thrown into the forest, he despised it as a death trap, a place that was to be his doom. But with almost nothing to worry about, the forest turned out to be a beautiful haven. He could hear the wildlife like never before as he walked on through, following no specific direction what-so-ever. It was almost dark, but that mattered not for him, he had this all to himself.

As the sun finally was no more in the sky, it became much darker than he anticipated. He contiuned through as he pushed his way through logs, brush and other various plants. But something stopped him dead in his tracks. He crouched down in a near by bush for cover as he heard voices ahead. But it was not the voices and sounds of the crude orks, but more of a eloquent speech that would come from a more intelligent individual. Soon he could tell that it was not one person, but several people talking, conversing on the subject of a missing person. One of them was talking in a high pitched feminine voice to apparently to some others. But that went out the door as soon as he saw another thing. Within ten feet from his position, Aetius saw a shadowy figure in a robe, holding what appeared to be a long rifle of somesort. 

Within several minutes, his eyes fully ajusted to the darkness around him. He could finally make out the figure infront of him: an eldar ranger. The voices he heard was probably an eldar search party of some sort. But he cared not about their buiness, all he knew is that he was a dead man if he stayed here any longer. If he tried to run, he would be shot down. If he sat put, he would most likely be found and killed. He options were almost nothing save for the impossible: deception. Aetius knew that he had to do something if he wanted to survive. He slowly stood up, and started to walk closely to the ranger. Taking his steps ever so slightly, he made his way till he was standing right behind him.

"Wow, it must suck to be on watch" whispered Aetius.

The ranger jumped a smidge and tilted his head to the side, only to see a very vague looking figure. He moved his head back to his prior postion and let out a low sigh, feeling that it was someone he knew that crept up one him.

"Yeah... I always hate being on patrol... that dumb bitch of a leader" the ranger replied quietly.

Aetius now had this guy rolling. If he could keep it up he might just be able to slide by.

"Oh I totally agree with you on that one... I have a feeling shes a closet lesbian..." Aetius again whispered.

"If she was a closet lesbian, that would explain everything."

"We all know that banshee breast plates make them look like they have big boobs, but we could obviously agree that their all flatties, especially this bitch."

"I concure! Man, Im suprised that Im not the only one who realizes this!"

Aetius laughed back "I bet if you hit those knockers they ring out hollow."

The ranger switch from chuckleing to a laughter.

"Amen to that brother! I swear I-"

The ranger stopped when he turned his head and stared straight into the eyes of Aetius.

"Waaaaait a minute... Your not an eldar..." The ranger said slowly.

His cover was blown. He stared straight into the eyes of the ranger. His complex eldar face showed the signs of utter confusion as his conversational companion was not that of his own kin. Aetius didn't take a second, and turned straight around to move to his escape, but instead he looked straight on to the blade that was pointed in his face. His eyes traveled up the sword's edge to see that the weilder was a very unhappy looking banshee.

"I knew it!" she screamed "I knew that their was something rotten in the air! It was a stupid human all along! How much have you heard!? Who sent you here?!"

"What the bloody hell are you talking about?" asked Aetius.

Wrong thing to ask. The banshee kicked him straight into the chest, sending him back a few feet into a small clearing in the woods. Without thought, he brought himself up back onto his feet only to see that their was the ranger, the banshee and several eldar guardians. The guardians had their guns pointed at him, while the banshee posed infront of him to send the message of her superiority.

"Well, well. Looks like we have a dirty little mon'keigh sitting here in our mist" the banshee said haughtly "What a pathetic race you are... common as roaches on a dead corpse and as about as usless as flies on a fresh meal! All you do is destroy everything that is beautiful, rape all that is useful and desicrate all that is holy. Your race is nothing more than primative backwater creatures with no sense of dignity! You are disgusting, foul bunch of - "

The banshee was cut off from her rant by a high pitch muffled squeeking noise that was dragged out for several seconds. She turned around to see one of the guardians titled ever so slighty to one side with the opposite leg lifted off the ground by an inch. The silence after that lasted about a moment until the group of eldar started to cover their noses and back away from the culprit of the group.

"By the gods, that was the most disgusting thing that I have ever smelt!" screamed the banshee.

"Hey that was a pretty dam good fart there!" chuckled the ranger as the other guardians joined in.

"YOU GUYS ARE PIGS!!!"

"Aw comon... you know were just having some fun here."

Though Aetius could not see the banshee's face under her helm, he could tell that it was boiling with pure unadulterated rage.

"Look here! Im trying to down grade this guardsmen as much as I can and you guys are screwing it up with your immature antics!!!" she raged on.

Another fart came out, but this time with a lower tune. The guardians again laughed in amusement.

"I have enough of this shit! If you guys cant behave as austere eldar as your supposed to be, then Isha so help me that I dont drive this blade up your ass!" threatned the banshee.

"Awww calm down their pancake butt. Were only having a good old time!" sarcasticly replied one of the guardians.

The banshee lost it. She slapped the guardian in the face and stormed off, swearing in a fit of rage combined with the actions of an unatural PSMing.

"You know what... Im just gonna leave here... is that cool with you guys?" Asked Aetius.

"Whatever... just stay out of the way of the angry flat chested ginger... We better calm her down so we can find the girl..."

The eldar tunred around and followed the trail of debris that the banshee left over from swinging her blade violently. Aetius turned around also and walked on through the forest, continuing his directionless journey.


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## Doelago

This is fuck`n brilliant man! :laugh: Have some rep!


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## ThatOtherGuy

Chapter 4... Fartalicious

The dim light of the early morning sun crept across the landscape and woods, illuminating ever so lightly the ground and trees. Aetius was disturbed and woken up by this, only to be aware of how far he actually traved. Surprised, he was at the edge of the massive forest where the great rolling foothills, rivers and mountains finally came into clear sight. This warmed his heart knowing that he finally escaped the slight claustrophobic woods in which he was thrown into. Eager to press on, he got up and started down the hill over towards a nearby river for a much needed drink. The fresh water never tasted so good in his life, for he was forced to be without such a commodity for an entire day. He drank until he was full and with forward planning, he filled his canteen with the precious water.

Walking for some time, the sun finally showed itself in full bloom. It was about mid morning as he guessed, for all forms of electronics on him were either destroyed or out of energy. Still direction-less, he decided that there must be some form of civilization somewhere. He was about to go over the next hill till he heard a voice that sounded like it came from over the other side. It sounded like that of a small female child. With caution, he slowly crept up the hill and peered over through the thick grass, only to see a small girl picking up dandelions and wildflowers while singing a very familiar song:

_The winds of fortune
Don´t blow the same
She had to get out
And make a change
She had a kid now
But much too young
Their baby daddy's
Out having fun

He's sayin' 'Now I´m on a roll
With all the girls I know'
His baby mama
She aint so slow
He's sayin' 'Now I´m on a roll
With all the girls I know'
I know you wanna Hit That
I know you wanna Hit That, Hit That

All of the world is getting with i say
Consequences are a lot for me
That´s the way
That´s the way things go_

Aetius thought to himself that he should just go over the hill and not worry a thing. Every situation he had been in has had some sort of magical luck that saved him from death. If it is another case like this, then he bet he could squeeze his way out of it again. Aetius stood up and moved on down the hill. At first the girl didn't notice anything, but when she turned around she froze. Aetius did the same thing. It wasn't a little girl... well... human girl. It was a small eldar girl, looking about the age of seven or eight. She stood their, switching between looking at him and her bouquet of flowers.

Just when things seemed to go down hill again, the unimaginable happened: the little girl skipped towards him with a big friendly smile on her face.

"Would you like some flowers?" She said cheerfully as she held them up to him.

Aetius was flat out baffeled. He stared into her puppy dog eyes as she held up the variety of wild flowers. Every stranger that he met so far had been a complete dick to him, but for the first time, he was greeted with kindness.

"Sure... I would love to have some flowers." He said, returning with a cheerful smile while being somewhat cautious.

She was elated. She picked out some pretty violet tulips and placed them in his hands. Aetius too was quiet happy about this aswell... Finally, someone who wasn't a douche bag. Though he felt warm with this little gift, he felt like he should also give something back just to be polite. He reached into his pack to see if he could find something that would be some-what nice. It was a miracle; he found a small Snickers bar. He showed it to her and slowly handed it down.

"Heres... Uh... a candy bar..." He said politely

The look on her face was priceless. She looked at it with such marvel that it looked like it was a divine gift from the gods.

"For... for... for me... a Snickers?" She said, quivering with excitment.

"Yep. Its all yours." He smiled.

She took it slowly from him, and held it like it was divine artifact that glowed with light. She slowly unwrapped it and started to eat it, savoring every bite. Aetius sat down watching her enjoy what seemed to be a treat of epic porportions.

"So little girl, whats your name?" Aetius slowly asked.

With chocolate and peanuts smeared all over here mouth, she said "Ishtail."

Before he could say another word she continued "Im from the craftyword of Beel-tan."

She finished her treat and without Aetius even suspecting, she gave him a big hug.

"Your da nicest and best person ever! Your my bestest friend!" She happily squeled.

In a strange way, those were the best words that Aetius have ever recieved unto him.

"Uh... why thank you!" He replied.

She went around played with the flowers of bit. He was honestly baffeled by all of this. Such kindness and hospitality is so strange in this grimdark universe, its like finding gold in the middle of a desert. Ishtail returned back with more dandelions and flowers in her hands and started to place them around Aetius's head like he was some sort of fairy princess. He had no idea what came over him, but he had to ask:

"So... why are you out here? Arn't you supposed to be at home or something on your craftworld?"

She stopped dancing around him and looked at him again but this time something heavy in her heart. Her happy face turned into a slightly disgrunteled look. 

"I left because they were too mean to me. They hurt my feelings alot with their tofu and mean words... And I never wanna go back!" she said as she stomped her foot in frusteration.

Aetius for once had sympathy with what the Imperium called the enemy. He could agree that the eldar lived very austere lives that seem completely unfit for children. He was supposed to hate her, but yet, felt sorry for her instead. Within a moment she started to cy, sniffiling and teary, she fell straigh into Aetius's arms. All he could do is hold her as she sobbed and cried about her un-fun life back at the craftworld. Aetius gave words of comfort and patted her on the back, soothing and calming her down. She slipped away and stared at him.

"Why are you here mister?" She said oh so innocently.

"Well" began Aetius "I was sent here to fight against the orks. My squad died in combat and I escaped out to here... with no where to go... just moving to somewhere to get off of this planet..."

She changed from sad to excited in a second after hearing that.

"We can take the weby way!"

"Wait... what?"

"Yes!" she squeled "We can get off of here and go somewhere else through the weby way!.. it would be like... *gasps* an adventure!!! I wana go on an adventure!!!"

He never thought of this... She was her ticket off of this planet.

"So where is it?" he asked.

"Thatta way" She pointed.

As soon as he stood up, Ishtail jumped on his back piggy back style. She giggled with excitment and she pointed the way in which Aetius followed.

"Whats your name mister?" She asked as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Aetius."

"Thats a silly name!"




Its been eight hours since they left the flower patch, still pressing forward to what seemed to be a non-existent goal. While he was tired and thirsty, Ishtail skipped along happily without a problem. The green grass turned into a thick and dense grass that made progress incredibly slow and tiresome.

"How much longer is it Ishtail?" Aetius asked.

"Its over that hill all they way over there!" She pointed.

Another five miles it looked like that needed to be traversed. But instead of stopping to rest, Aetius gathered all that was left in him and strolled on forward. However, their journey was interrupted by the wailing, yelling, and noise of guns going off somewhere in the distance. They both were stopped by this. Aetius turned to his right only to find billows of smoke comming over the ridge followed by noises of war. Both of them were purplexed by this new phenomenom. Within several minutes, their question was answered: the orks were back. They came rolling down the hill in their trucks, squiggoths, and other various vehicals. But something was different. They could see that the tops of the massive war machines were covered in gold and strange weaponry. The squiggoths had massive amounts of colored gems and gold on their backs along with parts and pieces to anctient and powerful equipment. Yet, it was undeniable of what they heard from the chanting and yelling. They all sang about treasure and dakka.

"Wow... they actually did find the made up treasure... that was completely unexpected..." Aetius said surprised.

"I want treasure too!!" Ishtail cried.

"I believe that you cant have any... unless you want to ask them... but you would most likely die in the attempt." He chuckled.

"Thats not fair!" Ishtail said as she folded her arms in jelousy.

"You can have all of the treasure you want if you come back home sweetie..." Said a familiar voice.

They turned around slowly to find a familar crowd again from last night: the banshee and her little search party. She stood their once again with a pretentious pose trying to make herself look more intimidating.

"How long have you had this child in you captivity mon'keigh?!" She said to Aetius with the usual heronie attitude.

"She followed me here-"

The banshee drew her blade and had it pointed at his chest. With her other hand she signaled to Ishtail to come over.

"Dont worry, he wont hurt you anymore with his dirty inferior hands" she said soothingly.

"NO! Hes my friend! You guys are mean and smelly... and... and... poopy heads!" Ishtail yelled back.

"I see that this pathetic human has tainted your precious mind, I gue-"

Aetius broke her mid sentance. He had enough with her puesdo-intelligent insults.

"Oh just shut the hell up you souless flat-chested ginger! You keep talking all big and shit and yet you get nothing done! You might as well have explained the reason why they call you banshees; their bitches thats what!"

Enraged, she lifted her blade in the air to smite him but was neturalized by Ishtail.

"FALCON PUNCH!!!" She screamed as she threw a punch straight into the banshee's groin.

The banshee fell to her knees with her hands grasping in the groin area, overcomed with horrible pain. With this small frame of time, Aetius grabbed Ishtail and hauled ass towards the web way in the distance.

"Come... back... here... ah never mind, there too far away to chase them." Muttered one of the guardians, to dam lazy to chase after them.



They were out of their sight now. Gasping for air, Aetius fell to his knees and pulled out his canteen to drink. He watched as Ishtail activated the web gate infront of them. He watched in amazement as the gate lit up and opened its door that was veiled with a purple energy like haze. Ishtail grabbed his hand and they walked through. Several flashes of light raced before him before they were in the web way. He stopped and looked with utter amazement.
"Wow... the web way looks exactly like Grand Central Station... never would of expected that."










_The Eldar Web Way_​


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## ThatOtherGuy

Here is unglorious Chapter Five!!

They walked into what seemed to be the center of the web way. All around them were massive signs that showed destinations and their given times of departure and arrival. When one ride was complete, the sign would spin its cards to unveil a new ride for a future crowed. Aetius watched as various eldar were walking to and fro between terminals that lead to all sorts of places in the galaxy. He snapped out of this marvel and began to follow Ishtail down to what it seemed to be a large toll-booth. There in the retro style of an 19th century booth, an eldar warlock sat their asleep in his chair. The two stood their for a moment waiting for warlock to wake up. They waited some more without any results, until Aetius wacked the ornate metal mesh that seperated him from the warlock.

"UH!!? I mean! Welcome to the web way! How may I help you?" the warlock said as jolted up from his nap.

"Uh, yeah... we need two tickets to a place thats really close to a human population, perferably Imperium held territory" Aetius asked.

"For a adult and child? That would be 45$... wait a minute... Your not an eldar! You better move out, or i'll call security!" Threatend the warlock.

"Heres an extra five bucks if you shut up about this..." Aetius threw on the counter.

"Okay then! Here are you two tickets! Have a nice day!"

Aetius and Ishtail passed through security and moved towards their gate. There tickets read that they were at gate BB-1882, but according to the signs that gate did not exist. Not wanting to blow his cover, Aetius told Ishtail for directions to their gate. She returned with an escort, saying that the gate they wanted hasn't been open for hundred of years, but it still was active. Their escort directed them to their gate, heading down a long and deep corridor. At the very end was a dusty and rusted web way gate for which it looked like that no one used for ages. Nevertheless, their escort opened the portal. The flash of purple light blazed once more as they headed through, swirling and mixing until they reached their end. They arrived in what it seemed to be an alley of some sort. Aetius looked around, anaylizing the city scape around him.

"Wow... I cant believe it... were on Caulderon!"



Caulderon is best described as the middle point between a hive world and a civilized world. Massive cities dot the planet but life there was not an existence of toil like other hive cities. Home to metropolitan areas as well as ghettos, Caulderon is one of the more 'brighter' places to stay or visit. Aetius was about to step out of the ally until he realized that Ishatil was an eldar child, not a human. He turned around, thinking of a way that would best blend her into the populace.

"Hmmm... I wonder what I can do to make you look a bit more human here..." Aetius muttered to himself.

Istail looked at him with fear, now completely severed from her people and completely lost on what is about to happen next, she started to tremble.

"Hold still Ishtail... this wont hurt a bit..." Aetius said as he pulled a small pin off of his bag.

With those words Ishtail began to sweat with fear, for a saying like that always means something unpleasent. She closed her eyes, fearing for something horrible to happen.

"All done."

She looked at her chest, seeing that he put the imperial symbol above her left breast.

"Dont worry, just tell them that your my neice, and with that symbol, no one will touch you." Aetius said with a smile of comfort.

"Aetius?"

"Yeah?"

"Im hungry..." Ishtail said as she pointed with her eyes towards her stomach.

"Yeah, me too... lets find some place to eat."

Both of them walked into the husteling and busteling sidewalk, navigating and moving through the crowds. Aetius had very little memory of this place since he was a child, but familiar landmarks helped him make points of references to where everything is. As they reached to the end of the block, a threat loomed right behind him.

"Excuse me sir!"

Aetius and Ishtail turned around to see a tall steel clad woman dazzeled with seals and signums, gleaming with extream indimidation. She held in one hand a big thick book that branished a large steel skull on the front, and in the other a flanged mace.

"Excuse me sir, as the duty of the Adeptus Arbites, I need to check your ID, for it seems that you have not been checked in on this planet system. All non-residents need to check in before any buisness is conducted." She firmly said.

Aetius pulled out his wallet and got out his imperial guard ID and personal ID. Ishtail stood there staring at her in complete fear. After she finished the process, the officer looked down at Ishtail. She felt like that her stare was piercing straight into her soul as she was finding out that she was a xeno, not a human. Ishtail quiverd even more when the imposing officer bent down to look at her eye to eye.

"She.. is an adorable little girl!" The officer smiled "she reminds me of my sister's twins! I dare say she looks just as cute as them! Who is this little princess?"

"She is my brothers daughter. Charming little girl, very talented too." Aetius lied.

"That is very cute! Well then, you take care and my the Emperor watch over you!" She said as she trotted off.

The two watched in relief as the officer walked out of their view.

"Well, that went well."

Ishtail looked at Aetius with a very scared and timid look.

"You see, I told you that no one would hurt or touch you."

Aetius grabbed her hand and they began walking to the next block. It was a little later till they found a decent pub that served lunch. They both sat down in their booth as they waited for their server. Everything seemed to be going for the better until Aetius ordered a beer.

"What would you guys like to drink?" The server mumbled.

Aetius darted back at the menu "I would like to have a bottle of Imperium's Finest and she would like to have... some water."

"Imperium's Finest? THAT DRINK IS FOR *******!" Boomed a voice across the room.

Aetius looked at the waiter in asking on who was the man responsible for breaking the peace. His answer was cut short when he heard large heavy foot steps comming towards his booth. The clash of silverwear and bottles insured that the perpatrator's presence was know to them as he continued his way to the booth. They both turned their heads slowly to look upon a rare and impressive sight. Infront of him stood a grey knight of the ordo malleus. The great warrior sat down and pushed Aetius towards the end of the booth.

"Here is some real shit!" He roared as he slammed a bottle of a murky alcohol in front of him.

Aetius could not deny such a wonderful gift from such a great warrior. He grabbed the bottle and began drinkig it, only to spit out his first taste.

"What the fuck is this shit?!" Aetius cried in disgust.

"Its alcohol for real men! 1% water, 99% alcohol, the way that was ment to be done bitch!" the mountainous warrior said.

Aetius and Ishtail watched as the knight chugged the massive drink in one gulp, finishing it off by eating the bottle. He celebrated his drink by delievering a massive belch, spewing his foul breath across the table.

"Hey! You wanna know a secret that the Imperium does not want you to know?!" the giant whispered to Aetius.

"What?"

"All of the Dark Angels are flamming butt humping ******* thats what. They try to act all fucking straight, but instead they butt-hump each other in the back of their rhinos! But the reason why no one really believes it is because the jews that control the media are telling the populace that their straight! Suprising isn't?"

Aetius had lost all respect for this great warrior after that incrediably homophobic and racist statement. In fact, he noticed that his armor wasn't all that clean, and that the supposed Liber Daemonicum that was supposed to be straped to his shoulder was replaced by a Play Boy magazine. He also had no stormbolter, no force weapon and reeked of booze. This man was a mess.

"So what are you two's names?" the knight asked while pointing at the two.

"My name is Ishtail!"

"...And Im Aetius"

"Aetius" the knight muttered "what a gay ass name."

"And Yours?"

"Oh, its Brutacus."


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

_So Im going to put it this way, Im going to finish this massive story. I honestly dont give a shit if no one reads it or not. Im just writing this for people who are tired of reading bolter porn and just want something different. I know its not the top notch quaility like all the other people have on here, but in anycase its something for fun. Rep it if you want, I just have a passion for humor and parodies._

Chapter Sexy... I mean Six


They watched as Brutacus chugged another vodka before he spoke.

"God that is some dam good shit. Ok, so whats a beaten wimpy guardsmen and a retarded little eldar child doing here in this ditch called a pub?"

"How do you know that Ishtail is an eldar? I mean, I knew she was but I thought the imperial symbol would blend her-"

"Look here, 99.9% of the population in the Imperium are dumbasses. Fuck, even the Inquisition are dumber than you think. But unlike them, I can tell."

"Well than, how can you tell unlike the others?" Aetius said with a smirk.

"Well" Brutacus began "First off I can see her soulstone on her chest. Second, the pointy ears. Third, her gay ass clothing. Fourth, I have a... natural xeno radar sense... you know, like a gaydar, but less useful."

"A xeno radar?.." Said Aetius skepticly

"Dont believe me?! Watch this then!"

Brutacus got up from the booth and headed over to the booth across the otherside of the room.There sat a lonely suspicious man, drinking his ale and eating his sandwhich minding his own buisness. Brutacus grabbed the poor man and flung him onto the ground with full force.

"¿Cuál es tu hombre problema?!" The poor man screamed in pain.

"See, a foul dirty xeno! I was right!" Brutacus roared.

"You asshole, Mexicans are not xenos!!" Said Aetius appalled.

"What? Arn't xenos people that are not white?"

"No stupid! Xenos are creatures that are not human! Not anyone who is not white!.. Just... Just get back over here before you humiliate yourself again." Notioned Aetius.

The massive warrior sat back down and continued with his binge. With now fresh food on the table in front of them, they began to eat quietly.

"So what are two odd people like you doing down here in this shit hole?" Spoke Brutacus.

Aetius finished his plate and began "Well... I was part of the invasion on Tarvos against the orks. I was sent in a back assault which it went haywire, everyone died but me, escaped with Ishtail because she didn't want to go back home, so we hitched a ride in the web way and now were are here... What about you?"

"Ahhh fuck... Well, I've been on exile for about one hundred and twenty years so far... drinking, fighting, drinking, arguing, drinking and desecrateing... you know, they usual stuff that drunken super overpowered space warriors do... but far more awesome... like this one I fought a dragon with my dic-"

Brutacus was interrupted when the bar door was smashed open followed by the sounds of anger. The symphony of curse words and insults flowed in as three space marines stepped into the pub, wearing all yellow with strips of red on the trim. But the most reconizable feature was that all of them had the distinct frony face on their right pauldron. They roared through the pub punching and swearing the civillians inside until they came to their booth.

"Hey, look at these *******!!" Yelled one of the marines.

"Fucking shit ass cunts they look retarded!!" Said another one.

It was undeniable on who these offenders were: they were the Angry Marines. They continued to heckle them until one of them spoke out.

"Okay you teenage angst fuckers. Get your prissy yellow ass faces out of here before I rape all of you with this hand!" Brutacus threatened as he held his fist up.

"FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!" Screamed one of the marines as he threw Brutacus's vodka on the ground.

Aetius and Ishtail watched the bottle fall as like time slowed down to a crawling pace. They watched as the bottle began to shatter into hundred of pieces with the precious booze spilling in every direction, somehow getting the feeling that this was going to turn ugly really fast.

"No one... No one... Fucks with me and alcohol... no one..." Brutacus threatened as he slowly spilled out those words.

Aetius knew the message: things were going to get ugly fast. He grabbed Ishtail by the hand as they slowly slid of of their seats and headed out the door onto the sidewalk. As the got onto the pavement, sounds of violence and discord erupted. Stools breaking, windows smashing, booths ripped apart, everything that could be destroyed was heard in the pub as a brawl raged on. The screams of civillians and marines alike sundered out onto the sidewalk. As fast as it started, it ended. Aetius and Ishtail slowly walked back into the pub, only to look on nothing more than complete descruction. Every civillian was either impaled, decapitated, mutilated or ripped apart. The Angry Marines, however, suffered a far more humilating end. One of them had its head shoved into its rectum, while the other two were only seen with their legs sticking out of the wall as the rest of their body was submerged in the actual structure of the building. Yet, Brutacus sat at what was left of their booth, with a new bottle of vodka in his hand, drinking it like nothing ever happened.



"So what are you queermos going to do now?"

Aetius sighed "Well... we are completely directionless honestly. Umm... So yeah, we have nowhere to go."

"I dont wanna go back home" Ishtail reminded them.

"Okay... So let me put this into prospective. You have with you right here an eldar child from a very powerful craftworld. You following me here? You also have her on a semi-hive world, human populated which is a given... So think about it. You have the wrath of a craftworld after your ass along with the insane hatred of the inquisition if they find this out... So basicly your fucked in two different ways right now."

"Well thanks for making this better for me" Aetius said sarcasticly.

Brutacus was right. Aetius and Ishtail had nowhere to go. There is no place for him to dump her off to be raised in good care and there is no place for him to stay without being called a traitor... if they find out.

"Well, I will see you fuckers later!" Brutacus cheerfully said as he turned his heel and began to walk down the block.

They watched as the grey knight shoved and pushed people out of his way down the street. But then an idea came to Aetius.

"Brutacus! Come back here for a sec!"

The giant continued down the street, ignoring his cries.

"We got some Jack Daniels here!"

Brutacus froze. He turned his head to see Aetius waving a bottle of whiskey in his hand, urging him to come back. Within a heart beat, the massive warrior was infront of them again.

"Ok, what is it?... it better be worth my god dam time..."

"Do you know any exodite worlds around this segmentum?"

Brutucus stopped his induglence on the whiskey for a moment to think of any know locations.

"I do know of one... but its across the otherside of this segmentum... why?" He asked suspiciously.

"Because we can take Ishtail here, drop her off their with her kindred, and that would solve the eldar problem... and if we dont get caught with the inquisition, then I will be clean of any suspicion and I will be free!" Said Aetius like he was some sort of genius.

"Then whats my end of the deal?"

Aetius pulled out two more bottles of Jack Daniels.

"You get to have these two bottles of one of a kind rare edition Jack Daniels from M31!"

"DEAL!" yelled Brutacus as he grabbed the two bottles out of his hand. "But first... we need a ship!... and I know where to get one!"



I was about an hour later till they arrived to what it looked like to be a VIP space port. They followed the grey knight around the docks as he was looking for some special ship of some sort.

"AH! Here's a good ship. Its got a very stable and easy to use warp drive, a mini fridge, good engine, one hell of a kick ass tv!"

"Dude... Thats a private ordo hereticus ship... We cant use that, and besides... that requires a crew." Said Aetius.

"Fuck them and their pointy hats and lame ass weapons, we can use this! Beside, these fuckers got a built in auto piolet and only takes in a crew of four... why do you worry so much? Im a grey knight for Emperor's sake!"

Brutucus smashed the window next to the door and unlocked it from the inside out. As he was about to step in, he was called out.

"WHAT IN THE EMPEROR'S NAME IS THIS?!" Screamed a man behind.

They turned around to see the owner of the ship. Of all of the inquisitors this was owned by, it was owned by Tyrus. Aetius watched in horror as the massive force of law stormed up to them.

"You better have a thousand good reasons why you are breaking into my ship! My personal ship!!"

"We dont see your name on it." Aetius calmly replied.

"It belongs to the inquisition, and is used under my name! I dont need a name on it!" He snarled.

"But you said it was your personal private ship... but then you said its part of the inquisition. So its not your ship, its the inquisition's ship." Aetius rebuttled.

"SO??!!!"

"So... Why are you complaining about us taking a ship thats not technically yours."

Tyrus's face turned bright red "But I am part of the inquisition, so I have full access to any of the inquisition's ships, so its technically mine as well!!!"

"But I am also part of the inquisition... so this is techinically my ship as well" Brutacus slowly replied.

"Well... Uhh... I mean!!..." Tyrus stuttered as he tried to come with a logical rubuttle.

"So we both technically own and share this ship. But seeing that I got here first... and Aetius has the keys, were going to be using this ship... So too bad."

Tyrus looked around his pocket to find that his keys were gone. Defeated by his own logic, he raged forwar with his sword out, only to smash onto the side of the ship as it was pulling out. He screamed and yelled at Ishtailed as she made funny faces by pressing her face against the window towards him.

"Aetius, hand me another beer... Its gonna be a long ass ride."


----------



## ClassyRaptor

Suitably Fuckng Epic, nice webway :grin:


----------



## snarst

This needs to be a book. Preferably with pictures. :grin:


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

_Im honestly glad that some people actually enjoy this. Thank you._

Chapter Seven... Not Approved by Carl Sagan.

They have been in space for about a day now. Before they left, they were completely unaware that the ship's warp drive was over-heated, thus needed to cool down before their next jump. So in the mean time they decided to take some down time and relax. For the first time in over a year, Aetius finnally got his chance to check his email and various other social networks.

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, hey Ishtail... Im checking out my old forum account on this website... so far nothing really new is happened... just getting in an argument with this guy right now about cars..."

Ishtail pushed over a chair to get a closer look at the screen. She watched him type his response in the text box.

"How many reputation points do you have?"

Aetius turned around, suprised at such a thing that she would ask, especially on something completely alien to her.

"Uhhh... fifty two..."

"How many does he have?"

"He has about... nine hundred and forty two... Why is this important?"

Ishtail face palmed herself and sighed in dissapointment. She pointed to the screen:

"Hes got more points, you cant argue against him. Its a rule that if he has more points than you, he will always win the argument or conversation! Thats a big rule about forums."

Aetius was now realizing that his argument against this unknown opponet was deteriorating at incrediable speeds. His responder was calling him a troll, ******, stupid and uninformed.

"He also has several awards and a high-lighted name, that makes him more powerful!" She continued to teach.

Aetius watched as his reputation points went from fifty two to twenty eight. Personal messages were being spammed about how stupid and annoying he was and threats about being banned. Disgruntled, he logged off.

"You see? You couldn't win against him, he was too powerful. Even though the reputaiton system is a bag of poop, is has more power online!"

"How the holy fuck do you know this stuff?" Aetius said suprised.

The little girl took the laptop from him. She logged onto a website named Heresy Online. There, she showed Aetius her account.

"What the fuck?! You have one thousand and four hundred repuation points and eight awards?! How the hell did you do that?!"

She moved onto what appeard to the be art forum. From that she showed him her art thread.

"They really like my finger painting!" She smiled.

Aetius walked off disgruntled. He headed over to the back quarters where Brutacus was watching tv on the couth, already having beer bottles and food scrapes made place on the floor.

"What are you watching?"

"Shut up! Its motherfucking Carnifex week bitch! Fucking awesome..." He said with another chuge of his brandy.

Aetius stared at the tv, only seeing continuous clips of people being eaten, devoured, and mutilated by massive Carnifexes. Bored and tired, he headed over to the kitchen to see whats left of the food.

"Wow... what a shitty supply" he said dissapointed "Lets see here... RC Cola? Nah... Western Family cereal? We dont even have any milk... Screw this, Im going to take a nap."




"Hey asshole! Get up, I made something special for dinner!"

Aetius rolled out of bed, groggy but well refreshed. He made his way to the small dinning area, only to be greeted by a wonderful smell.

"Brutacus... what in the Emperor's name did you make?... it smells delicious!" Aetius said as the smell of the food sent him into new heights of ecstasy.

"Nothing special, just rum battered deep fried steak with a whisky based gravy, served with whats left smothered in a beer-ale based sauce."

"So you telling me this is made with every single type of booze?... nevermind, it tastes great." Aetius replied as they munched down on their food.

The rest of the evening they spent around the tv, watching the show "Man vs. Food: Imperium Edition". All was quiet until an ineviatble question was brought up.

"So Brutacus... how did you get sent on exile from the Grey Knights? I mean, if you dont want to answer thats ok..."

Brutacus sighed but sat straight up on the couch "Well... Its a long story so mabey for-"

"I WANA HEAR A STORY!!!" Screamed Ishtail in excitment.

"No! I said I will save it for later and when I feel like it!"

Ishtail stared at Brutacus, deploying a secret tactic that none of them were prepared for.

"What... what what are you doing? Stop it!" Brutacus said as he stared down into Ishtail's puppy dog eyes.

He lips started to quiver as her eyes started to dialate, looking more irresitably cute.

"STOP IT!! I dont want to tell it!"

She started to sniffle and let out a single tear that ran down her face.

"FINE THEN!!! I'LL TELL!! Just stop being so fucking dam cute and adorable..."

"Yeaaahhh!!! Story time!!!" Ishtail victoriously said.

"Ok ok... So I was put out on exile for numerous reasons. One of them was my love for alcohol, for you see, the ordo did not smile kindly upon bottles and jugs laying all over the place, plus the occasional vomit stain. Uh, the second one was that I called the grand master a dirty lazy bastard, but I was let off of that one because I was fucking wasted like no one's buisness. The third one was with my girlfriend, which your not supposed to have because they want you to be gay... I mean... think about it. All space marine chapters are just massive sausage feasts!! Not a pussy in sight! Thats completely unreasonable if you ask me! Anyhow, I also took a dump on the coffin of the grand master down in the crypts of The Temple of The Emperor. It was especially messy too, for you see, we had enchilada's the night before... and boy did that one leave a mark on that golden tomb!"

Aetius stared at him with his jaw hanging open "You are one fucked up bastard..."

"Why thank you! Im quiet proud of it actually and the-" 

He was cut off mid sentance when a massive buzz when off. Several dome lights above the tv turned on, followed by an intercome noise that signaled that warp drive was ready for use.

"Sweet, lets get this thing rolling here!" Aetius said with excitment.

The three of them headed towards the pilot room, sitting on their respective chairs infront of various controls. Aetius was sitting in the middle holding onto the steering controls, Brutacus on the controls for the warp drive and Ishtail on the various ticks and buttons that are in reality, useless.

"Ok, so get this thing fired up Brutacus..." Aetius said as he held onto the controls.

Brutacus flipped the switch and pressed several buttons. The ship shook violently as the warp drive was preparing for their jump. Looking with awe, they watched the ship generate a small rip in into the warp in front of them. All of them held on tight as the ship plunged head first into the wormhole. The entire thing shook violently as they twisted and turned through the chaotic dimension.

"Brutacus, didn't you say that this thing had warp stabelizers on it?!"

"Uhhh... its one of these buttons here... I think..."

While they both were frantically trying to find the stabilizer on the controls, Ishtail took their frenzy in a different way.

"BUTTON PUSHING TIME!!!" She screamed playfully as she randomly pushed buttons, pulled levers and twisted knobs.

The ship excellerated even faster as she pressed more buttons. To make matters worse, they entered into demon territory. Furries and creatures began to attack their ship as they screamed through the warp, blocking their vision through their windsheild.

"Brutacus! Take the handle! I'll settle with these demons!" Aetius screamed.

"But Im the demon expert here!"

"Take the wheel! The reason why I'll do it is because your too dam lazy!"

"You gotta point there..."

Brutacus grabbed hold of the steering and controls as Aetius opened the side window. With a broom stick in his hand, he prodded and pushed off the demons that were smeared on the windsheild.

"Hey, I can see now Aetius!"

Aetius pulled in his head and rolled up his window. He looked now to see that their ship was at ramming speed aimed directly towards the ground. The ground was comming closer and they had no way to pull up; They were officiall doomed. Just about as they thought they were done for, their ship was stopped by a large green object. With a massive explosion of puss, the ship was caught and crash landed onto the ground safely.

"Is everyone ok here?!"

Brutacus and Ishtailed grumbled to show their sign that they were ok. The door exploded off as they stepped outside onto the ground. They walked out to survey the land around them: dead, desolate and barren. Aetius turned around to see what thing softened their crash landing that saved them. He looked upon a mangled Great Unclean One, with half of it's body dragged over a huge distance with their ship smashed into its fat stomach.

"Man that is one porky demon..." Ishtail said, stunned at the demonic blob of puss.

"Well... lets try to fix this dam ship before we get our souls eaten."


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## arturslv

one of the best stories I have read! Keep on writing, I really wish to see how will it turn out!


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## dandan1350

Have some mother fucking rep! mexicans as aliens and grey knights shitting on people ha!!


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## ThatOtherGuy

Actually I plan having some pictures thrown in, but they will be only the characters. I might just make a link to the art section and make a threat about em.

I was thinking of posting this in the compition, but seeing how its a tad too long and too much fun, I didn't :grin:


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## ThatOtherGuy

Chapter Eight is Full of Mudkips

"Well... Does anyone of you know how to repair any sort of space craft?" Aetius asked, obviously knowing that no of them know how.

The three of them stood there looking at the remains of their ship. Smoldering and loged into a bloated corpse, the ship sat there glaring at them, giving the notion that repair was impossible. Without giving up hope, they all started to look around inside to see if there is anything worth taking with them. It was stupid, but their only chance of getting out of the warp is find some-sort-of help, an oxymoron in a demonic dimension. Aetius found some medical supplies, Ishtail found some food and Brutacus found a plasma pistol.

"Fuck yeah! A plasma pistol! Dude, dude... watch this..."

Brutacus aimed the pistol at a small metal scrap hanging off the ship. The other two watched him take a crack shot at the flimsy metal piece. The bolt missed and instead landed into the exposed engine wireing system. Within a second the remains of their ship combusted into flames and followed by its inevitable self destruction.

"Great, Brutacus, just great... we HAD a ship and because of your antics we dont have one..."

"Aetius... your just jelous of my awesomeness..."

"At least Im not stupid enough to scratch my own head with a plasma pistol... while holding the trigger."

"Whats that supposed to mean?" Brutacus said as he scratched his head with the tip of the plasma pistol, still holding onto it with his finger on the trigger.

"Nevermind... Mabey we can find some rogue demon of some sort to help tell us where we are."

The other two agreed and they headed off. They trailed off into the desolate plains, passing by ruins, battle fields, lost souls, and warp rifts as they journeyed on. It wasn't too long till they spotted a winged demon in the distance. The creature seemed to be in pursuit after a lost soul, making ravaging noises and clawing the sky to look intimidating as he chased the spectre. As they caught up to him, they saw the fury eating and chewing its etheral prey. It looked upon them and exposed its teeth as it was trying to look threatening.

"Ok, stop the shanaigans here... can you tell us where we are exactly my little friend?" Aetius politely asked.

The demon continued to snarl and branish its claws. Brutacus had enough, so he grabbed the fury by the neck and repeated the same question, but in a more demanding way.

"GAAAGHH!!!... Alright! Alright! I'll tell you... if you stop chocking me!!!" cried the demon.

The demon fell to the ground, gasping for air.

"Dammit... I was in the middle of something... geeez... Anyway... You were asking where exactly are you guys are at? Well, you in the desolate plains, not controled by any of the chaos gods. To the north is the domain of Tzeetch, to the east... hold on for a sec!"

The demon squatted as he pushed out something that seemed to be on par with taking a number two. After a few grunts, the lost sould he devoured was pushed out. It screamed with disgust and floated away, disturbed by being deficated out of it's former devourer.

"Sorry" the demon continued "Devouring souls is not a very pleasent experience as they claim it to be... anyways, continuing... to the east is the domain of Slaanesh, Khorne is west and Nurgle is down to the south. Why do you ask anyways?"

"Well..." Aetius began "We went through warp drive, somethings failed, we crashed and now were stuck down here... and we need a new ship or a way to get out."

"Actually, I can help you guys here!" The demon said enthusiastically, baffling everyone else by his help. 

The demon whipped out his iphone from behind his back leg and began to search ship rentals.

"There is a Hertz down towards the west by Khorne's area... Price for a good ship is about... three hundred a day." 

Atieus whipped out his wallet and checked to see if he even had any money.

"Ok, so I have about... forty dollars... How much do you have Brutacus?"

"Uhhh... I spent all of mine on booze..."

"I have three dollars!" Ishtail said pridfully as she held up three Monopoly dollars.

"Well, good luck guys, I hope things work out for ya. In the mean time, I need to devour that soul again!" said the demon as he tunred tail and flew after he meal.




It was about five hours since their encounter with the demon, and no signs of any of the god's domains were found. Tired and lost, they sat down to eat whats left of their food, only to find that it was organic food, thus inedible by normal standards. When hope was about lost, Aetius saw two figures in the distance walking towards them which was followed by giggleing and talking. He watched them closely to see if he could make them out, trying to figure out if they are considered to be a threat to them or not.

"Hey, what are you looking at?" Grumbled Brutacus.

"Apparently we might have some company soon..." Aetius said, preparing himself from probably hostility.

The two figures came closer until they could distinguish them.

"Shit! Demonettes! Brutacus! Do you have your plasma pistol?!"

"Yeah, its somewhere in the bag here..."

It was too late, the demons were upon them. Aetius held Ishtail for protection as he shielded her away from them.

"Hello!" one of them friendly and cheerfully greeted them.

They looked at the two demonettes standing before them. To their surprise, they found them to be modestly dressed in a long black skirt and a clean white button up shirt with short cut sleeve. On each of their left breast was a black name tag and written in white letters appear to be names.

"What are you guys doing here out in the cold?"

"We... are... having... lunch here..." Aetius answered hesitantly.

"Mind if we join you?"

They all looked at each other to see if they could agree to let these demons join them for their snack.

"Sure..." Brutacus slurred out.

The two demons sat down, legs folded with their skirts covering over the knees, showing their modesty.

"Sorry to forget, but we forgot to introduce ourselves! My name is Sister Molly and this is Sister Hidy."

"Hhhhiiii.... Im Aetius... This is Ishtail... and this is Brutacus..."

"Im sorry to break the ice here, but why are you guys so suspicous of us?"

They all sat their quietly for a moment. Aetius and Brutacus gave each other the look. In a blink of an eye, Brutacus stood up and whipped out his plasma pistol.

"THE REAL QUESTION IS THAT ARE YOU GOING TO TRY TO EAT OUR SOULS?!!" He boomed.

Molly and Hidy looked at each other and giggled with amusement.

"No no no silly... We dont want to eat your souls! We're here just because its nice to meet new people!" Said Molly with a genuine smile.

"MEET NEW PEOPLE AS IN TRY TO EAT OUR SOULS!!!!" Brutacus once again screamed.

The two demonettes continued to laugh at the misunderstanding.

"How about this" Hidy said "You guys wait here, and we'll bring some cookies! How about that!?"

"YOU MEAN COOKIES THAT EAT OUR SOULS??!!!! NEVER!!!!"

"I WANT COOKIES!! I WANT COOKIES!!! I WANT COOKIES!!!" Ishtail screamed in excitment.

"Well, apparently your little friend here wants some fresh chocolate chip cookies! We'll be right back!" Said Molly as she trotted off with Hidy.




The three of them watched as Molly and Hidy came walking back with a batch of cookies on a nice warm plate. While Aetius and Brutacus felt that these cookies might be their own undoing, Ishtail quiverd and drooled over the smell of them.

"All right guys! Here are some fresh, home made cookies! I hope you guys like them!" Said Hidy, again brandishing a cheerful smile.

Ishtail dove straight in, taking half of the plate's worth of cookies and inhaling them all at once. Seeing that she suffered no ill effect, Aetius and Brutacus grabbed one and each took a bite slowly. Immedietly they were overwhelmed by the cookie's flavor.

"Oh... By the Emperor!... these are the best cookies I have ever eaten!" Aetius moaned in ecasty.

"Oh that is very kind of you!" Hidy giggled.

After they were done eating the delightful mound of cookies, Molly and Hidy pulled out a small thick book with gold letters on the front.

"Well that was a delicious treat! Say... how about we read something from the good old Book of Mormon!"

The three of them immedietly drew their attention at Molly in complete confusion.

"Wha?...."

"Can we read from 1st Nephi Molly!? Thats my favorite!" squeled Hidy.

"Wait wait wait wait.... You guys... you guys... are... are... Mormons?" Aetius studdred in shock.

"Yep! Were not the only ones too down here!"

"Who else has befallen this curse?..." Brutacus asked in equal curiosity like Aetius.

"Why all of the 3rd edition demonettes! Basicly everyone down here!"

Aetius and Brutacus's jaws dropped down in pure horror from those wretched words that came out of her mouth.

"You know, Im glad those sinful 5th edition demonettes are not here! I heard that some of them sleep with more than three men!" Molly gossipped.

"GASP! Really?! Thats terrible and sad. Oh, I forgot to ask you. Are you and Brett still together?"

Molly sighed "No, we are not... He would of made an excellent husband... Him living in the materium and me living here didn't make things easy for us... so we had to break up."

"Im am so sorry Molly... But I know what will cheer you up... The new first presidentcy message in this month's Ensign!!!"

The two demonettes continued their mormon disscusion for a while until:

BLAM BLAM!!

Two thuds followed as the bodies of Molly and Hidy fell to the side with burning holes through their chest.

"Wow... that plasma pistol did come in handy Brutacus... Lets just get the fuck out of here..."


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## arturslv

You have scarred me for life, man... Mormon daemonettes... hurr... hurrhurr... MOAR! BECAUSE MOAR! By Emperor's right kneecap!


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## ThatOtherGuy

arturslv said:


> Youi have scarred me for life, man... Mormon daemonettes... hurr... hurrhurr... MOAR! BECAUSE MOAR! By Emperor's right kneecap!


You never thought I would put those two things together didn't you?! MWAHAHAHAAH!!!


Chapter Nine has some weird stuff going on


"You know... Its kinda dissapointing and sad to know that arguably the hottest pieces of ass in the galaxy are a bunch of virgin mormons... kinda pisses me off" Brutacus said as to try to start a conversation after some time of silence.

They've been walking for over the pass eight hours, seeing nothing in the distance that looked like Khorne's domain. But they all agreed that if they wanted to get out of this nightmareish dimension, they needed to find that Hertz rental. Aetius kept everyone moving forward, even though they were tired, famished and frusterated. It seemed like this was the end of the line for them.

"WAIT!!" Ishtail screamed as if they were to walk in on a booby trap.

They stopped. Ishtail moved ahead of them and then froze with here legs slightly apart and her arms placed like she was about to get in a fight. Her eyes dialated as if she was trying to see something in the distance. Her pointy ears twitched to and fro like a sensery system. Finally, her nose went off like a hound dog, sniffing the air frantically as if was trying to catch a sent. She dropped down on all fours and sniffed the ground, snorking every bit to catch the unknown smell.

"THAT WAY!!!" She yelled as she darted off in her given direction.

Aetius and Brutacus were soon to follow, sprinting after her as she lead the way to their unknown destonation. They sprinted for what it seemed to be hours until they stopped at what Ishtail picked up with her nose: a massive BBQ convention. There they saw hundreds and hundreds of booths selling delicious food and booze to all the denizens of the warp. They stared in marvel to find such a wonderful thing... yet it was jammed packed with only demons.

"We can't go in there! Its too dangerous... I mean, pratically the entire warp is here!" Aetius warned.

"Look Aetius... If Slaanesh is equally as pathetic as his demonettes are, then most of these demons are just probably as stupid... besides, Im fucking hungry!"

Brutacus stormed in, pushing aside bloodletters, horrors, plauge bearers and other demons. He continued on till something caught his eye: a beer drinking contest.

"Holy mother of all shit storms..." He said like if there was treasure sitting in front of him.

"Dude, the first place prize money is ten thousand dollars... but I dunno, the competitors look pretty tough..." Aetius said as he pointed towards the group of greater demons.

"Are you kidding me? Those guys are fucking light weights! I got enough alcohol content in my blood stream to get the entire Space Wolves chapter wasted!"

Ishtail was too capivated by one of the compititions. She looked upon an rib eating contest, which states that who ever can eat the most, wins five thousand dollars. Her eyes grew wide at such an event that fitted her expertise in food... And her appetite. 

"Ok its official, were going to sign up for these little games, we'll be back when-ever this is over. Peace out queermo."

Aetius watched as the two moved over to the compitition sign in, leaving him alone in this sea of demons and awesome food.



Aetius's stomach signaled him that it was quiet empty. He checked his pockets to see if there was any money for which to spend on some grub. He was in luck: he had found the fifteen dollars from earlier. Happy, he took his time and strolled down the booths, each advertising their food as the best in the warp. It wasn't till one particular booth caught he attention, The Hellfire Expansion, that he decided to buy his meal from. He was almost at their counter until he accidently bumped into demon.

"Whoa, terribly sorry there!" He hastily apologized.

"Im sorry, I wasn't looking either!" She said.

Aetius beheld a demon with red skin with long black hair tied into a long braided pony tail. She wore a leather chainmail like skirt that hung down to about over her knees, while on top she wore a black gold linned beautiful corset showing the top of her bust, while exposing her nice subtle in-shape abs below. She had horns protruding out of the side of her head pointing straight up, while bearing the mark of Khorne on her forhead. In short, she was fucking hot.

"Holy shit! Your not a demon!" She said suprised.

"Yep... Im a human..." Aetius said, slowly spilling it out as if he was caught hiding.

"How did you get down here?"

"Warp travel accident"

"Awww... Im sorry to hear that!" She said honestly.

Aetius was completely suprised about this whole situation, thinking that this would end up being turned into a nightmare.

"Uhhh... What are you doing?" He asked polietly, pointing at her right arm.

She looked over to see her arm holding a hellblade, which brutally lodged itself into a near by bloodletter.

"Oh, Im sorry. Khorneite bloodletter habits, ya know?" She giggled.

"Hehehe, yea... Im sorry, but... but my name is Aetius."

"And my name is Vicky!"

"And can you please pull this blade out of me... Im dying and I need medical attention you bitch..." moaned the impaled bloodletter.

The two looked at each other with an awkward silence looming over.

"Uhh... I got fifteen bucks here, more than enough to by two lunches. Would you like some?" Aetius asked nervously.

"I... Would love too!"



Brutacus sat in his seat, staring at his opponet unflinchingly. The massive blood thirster glared back at him too, showing equal hatred and toughness as well. They sat in their respective seats infront of a large audience, waiting for the contest to begin. A giant Lord of Change stepped forwar with a mic in hand, survaying the crowd.

"GREETINGS MY FELLOW DEMONS!!!" The massive avian demon said.

He was answered by fellow cheers and screams from the crowed, showing the popularity of this match.

"I am you host, M'Kachen, and tonight I will be your host of this year's 3,900,237,183,555,123 Annual Beer Drinking Contest! Today, we have a very special match! The two finalists, the Greater Servant of Khorne, AN'GGRATH THE UNBOUND!!!"

There was massive roar from the bloodletters in the crowd, all chanting his name in support. An'ggrath stood up and bowed before the audience as well as showed himself off to see how much better he was then Brutacus.

"And the favored champion of the Emperor, Brutacus the Exiled!"

Booing was heard through out the crowd as Brutacus stood up and gave them all the finger and told them to fuck off. After everyone settled down, M'Kachen continued.

"Now you guys know the rules. You cannot use the bathroom and first one to the floor loses! Now then, bring on the beer!"

Two massive great unclean ones walked in on the stage, each with a massive keg in their arms. They both set them down on opposite sides of the stage with mugs abroad, ready to be filled and refilled for the compitition.

"These kegs contain the warp's best beer. There is so much here that I bet both of you two combined cant even finish one!" M'Kachen joked, with the crowed laughing back. "Moving on, Lets us begin!"

A large buzzer rang and the two of them began guzzeling their booze. The both stared at each other, inhaleling their drinks like it was air. On and on the beer went down into their seemingly endless stomach's, but as time wore on, one of them began to show some dizziness. An'ggrath was starting to loose his balance at the table, but he was determined by the blood god's will to win this compitition.

"Holy shit..." the massive demon slurred "how can... you... drink.... so... much...."

The titanic juggernaught of khorne finally fell over from the table. Brutacus stood up in victory, raising his hands to show the crowd that he is truly the champion of booze.

"WE HAVE A WINNER!!!" Cried M'Kachen "Wow, who would of ever thought that this man would win? And would you look at that!... he drank his entire keg!"

Brutacus stepped up to the podeum and grabbed his ten thousand dollars and gave the finger to the crowd of demons as he martched triumphantly down the stage.

"Man, that beer tasted like shit..."




"Oh Father Nugle, we all have our support behind you in this contest!" Chirpped a tiny nurgling.

"Dont worry my child! I have yet to lose at this all you can eat rib contest, and this challenger will be a walk in the park!" Nurgle said cheerfully.

The God of Decay slowly made his way to the table, moving ever so slowly as to make sure the audience saw him. He waved his hands to the audience, showing their much support for him. He sat down on his custom made stool, sitting right across Ishtail. He stared at the eldar girl with a wide and pleasent grin on his face.

"Dont worry little child! I will be easy on you... but in the spirit of compitition, good luck!" He laughed.

The two watched as massive carts, piled high with baby back ribs, was delivered to both of them. They both looked at their piles and both analyized them to see the best fit strategy for this monsterous mountain of meat. The rules were simple: first one to finish them all wins. While Nurgle was waving and talking to his minions on how well he was going to do, Ishtail entered in a yoga like trance, summoning all her will power to win the carnivorious challenge. The atmosphere was tense as both waited for the buzzer to go off to begin. Silence filled the room as they waited for what seemed to be an eternity.

BUZZZ!!

The two of them dove into their ribs and ate with unnatural ferocity. Nurgle was munching on one rib at a time, cleaning everything down to the bone. Ishtail on the other hand, was buzzing through her ribs like a beaver through a tree. As time wore on, Nurgle noticed that he was actually behind. He looked at his tray compared to hers to see that she was half way done. Nugle picked up the pace and began devouring everything including the bone. 

BING!!

Nugle looked up to see that the eldar child won, beating him by a good shot.

"HOW CAN THIS BE?!" Nurgle roared in humiliation and anger.

"I win mister! You lllllllloooooooooosssssssseeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Ishtail laughed as she danced around the table with her prize money.

The huge bloated god walked off stage with his retinue trying to cheer him. Ishtail skipped off with a full and happy stomach, forever cherishing that glorious challenge.


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## arturslv

By the Emperor's third rib! This is an excellent story!


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## dandan1350

more!!!!!!!


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## Ultra111

This has to be one of the only storys on here that I have actually read all the wa through lol

More!

+rep


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## ThatOtherGuy

Greetings gentlemen! First, I am underway with some illustrations. Second, I wont get chapter elven up for probably the next day, for my schedual is busy with seeing AMERICAN CARNAGE TOUR!!! Other than that, I am suprised by the enthusiasm of you guys! Enjoy the extra long chapter ten!

Chapter Ten is full of nerd rage


"Where do you think that **** went?" Gruttled Brutacus.

Ishtail raised her shoulders suggesting that she didn't know were Aetius went. They've been around the entire convention twice now, still finding no signs of him what so ever.

"Mabey that ****** left us... And if he did I will shove his head up his own butt and-"

"There he is!" Ishtail pointed.

They saw him there sitting at a table talking to some demon, enjoying the conversation that they could guess has been going on for a while. Ishtail and Brutacus walked on over, only to be suprised at what they saw.

"Hey dildo, I got us some money to get out of this shithole."

Aetius turned his head around after he was forced to stop the conversation by Brutacus's rude interruption.

"Im sorry, these are my friends" Aetius apologized "Vicky, this is Brutacus and this is Ishtail."

"Its so nice to meet you guys! Aetius has told me about both of you and your recent shanaigans."

Brutacus was stunned by the beauty of the khornette. He grabbed Aetius and threw him on the ground, replacing his spot on the table, posing distinctly to look like he was the sexiest thing in the universe.

"Why hello there beautiful... has anyone told you how gorgeous and talented you are?"

Vicky was not impressed was-so-ever with Brutacus's lame attempts at courtship. She rolled her eyes before she was reeled away from him by a foul smell.

"Holy shit, you reek terribly! What did you swim in, a pool of fecies and alcohol?!" She said, covering her lower half of her face from the pungent smell of booze.

"Well, you see here, I actually won first place in a beer drinking contest and-"

"Aetius, Im sorry to say, but I have to go. But mabey we could meet up some other time?"

"Sure Vicky, but honestly I do not know when I will be back in the warp... probably not anytime soon." Aetius said, now understanding that this 'friendship' wont go any further.

"Pshhh... please, four weeks in the materium is like two days down here... besides there are many khornite cults that would be nice enough to help you get back down here... the key is being polite!" She smiled.

"Do you have skype perchance?"

"Oh yeah, I do!"

"I'll call in sometime really soon then."

"That would be great!"

Vicky waved good by as she trotted off out the convention, decapitating a few demons on the way out.

"Holy fuck... she is one nice piece of ass..." Brutacus gruttled.

"AETIUS LIKES VICKY!! AETIUS LIKES VICKY!!" Ishtail said mockingly.

"How about we play a nice game of shut the fuck up... geeze..." Aetius muttered, angry that his perfect time was ruined. "Whatever... Lets go..."




"Ok guys, how does this ship look? You think its good enough?"

Brutacus looked at the ship, analyzing and inspecting it to meet up with his personal standards. He walked around to check the engine and thrusters, looked inside and finally checked the price.

"You know Aetius" Brutacus began "There is a very anctient philisophical phrase that has been helpful to me since my earliest days in the Grey Knights chapter. It has helped me decide what to use and what not to use in certain situations. This phrase can be used also when picking a ship."

"Oh really Bruatucs? Whats that then?" Aetius asked, knowing that this small speech will only lead into a bad lesson.

"It needs more dakka..."

The grey knight moved along to the other ships, finding and deciding in which would suit best for his desire of awesomeness mixed with completely unnecessary. Ishtail however, was deciding that the main factor was how cute and colorful it looked. Even though these were all bleak and stoic, she still had that eye on which was more adorable.

"We should get this one!! Its so pretty!!!" She cried as she pointed to a boxy like ship.

"No fucking way, we're getting this one, its got an awesome radio and a fucking mini fridge." Disagreed Brutacus.

"No, I want that one!"

"No were getting this one!"

"NO, I WANT THAT ONE!!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, WERE GETTING THIS ONE!!"

"ENOUGH!" Aetius yelled.

The two calmed down to here his words.

"The all look exactly the same! Same design, same engine and same capabilities! So we're taking this one! No question asked!"

Aetius slammed the money down on the counter and the ship was theirs.




"You just had to buy the hybrid one didn't you..." Brutacus complained.

"How was I supposed to know that this one was the hybrid? They all looked the same! Whats the problem with a hybrid any ways?" Rebuttled Aetius.

"Its because hybrids are for *******... its just... it just feels like were driving in a giant tampon thats all."

"Look, were out of the warp, were half way to the exodite world, now stop complaining... We also need to get some grub for the trip, so Im pulling over to this mini-mart."

Aetius moved the vessal over to the side into the mini-mart loading bay. The small grocery store was located on top of a space hulk, in easy veiw for anyone who needed to stop... If anyone did.

"Ok, Brutacus, get us some food... its about time that you did something besides commiting genocide on your liver."

The massive knight stormed out of the ship, angry that he was forced to do something for once. It was about an half hour later till he came back, carrying on four bags of food.

"Ok, so I bought a bag for each of you."

He gave one bag to Aetius and put his two bags away in his chamber, which is no doubtly was only full of booze. However, Ishtail didn't get her bag.

"Im hungry and I want my food!" She pouted.

"Oh ya, heres your food. I dont know what the fuck the eldar eat... so... yeah, here you go."

Brutacus dumped he entire bag onto the table. Out poured massive amounts of candy, energy drinks, and other surgary delectiables. Ishtail shrieked with joy as she lunged into the massive pile of pure sugar, inhailing it like her life depended on it.

"Dude, I dont think thats very good for her... thats pretty much instant diabetes. I mean, look... extra potent pixie sticks? Im pretty sure that this stuff is deadly." Aetius said with concern.

"Well, its not my fault. She looks pretty happy about it anyways." Brutacus said with a sense of fullfillment of his duty to shop for food.

It was about two hours later that Aetius heard crying from the bathroom. Ishtail locked the door, and from what it sounded like, was sitting next to the toilet, crying in pain.

"Ishtail? Are you all right?"

"My stomach!!" She cried.

"Was it all from that candy?"

"Uh hu!"

He knew it was cruel to ask but the temptation over came him.

"Was it good?"

A slight pause occured from her after that question before she spoke.

"Hell yeah!"

"Well, just tell me if you need anything ok?"

"uhhhh.... ok.... my stomach... now my head hurts..." She wimpered in return.




Time has passed since the mini-mart stop. Several days after that, they still were afloat in space, creeping slowly to their destination. Ishtail fell into a mini diabetic coma after her sugar orgy, while Aetius was in his quarters skyping to his special friend Vicky.

"Ah, I see that the queermo returns from his personal time... and when I mean personal time I mean wanking off to porn... so predictable." Brutacus sarcastically greeted Aetius.

"Whatever... I was just skyping to Vicky... I honestly really like her, I mean we have so much in common that-"

"Oh fuck, here we go! You love her, she loves you, you make up and everyone is happy, is that how it goes?! God... I know its going to end this way, and the cheesiness will almost be too unbearable!" Roard Brutacus.

"You just jelous that Im actually getting somewhere with a girl!"

"Well, at least this is not one of those stupid developing relationships that make no sense... I mean, this one is actually more logical. In a NON-GAY way, you are a good looking man, so you deserve a good looking girl... not like those stupid movie relationships that include Michael Cera."

"Ah... why thank you Brutacus!" Aetius replied with now a sense of self confidence from a friend.

"Eh... whatever..."

"Hey... I know this might be somewhat personal but... whatever happened to your girl friend? You know... the one you mentioned earlier?"

Brutacus sat their quietly. Aetius could tell that this was seriously stirring up some memories that he did not want to remember. The knight stared at the wall for some time before he pulled all his strength together to summon the words he needed to explain his story.

"Well... we broke up because we were apart from each other too long... I drank a little too much for her... She was too busy and things fell apart from there... Now just... leave me alone for a minute... okay?"

Aetius was surprised at this reaction. He would of guessed that Brutacus would have done something lewd and horrible and would of joked about it, but he could see that the downfall was in part of deeper emotions and more personal conflict, something that he didn't know about the grey giant. Aetius slowly rose from the table and moved back into his quarters, slowly closing the door behind, respecting the request. Brutacus pulled out another vodka and drank it slowly, feeling that this bottle will finally drown out those memories of her forever. Someone he valued above others for so long, has now been the person he wished he could forget.



Aetius was sleeping before something hit the ship. He jumped out of bed, as for the impact of this unknown object was so large, that he felt that it could have broken a hole in the hull. He threw his cloths on and rushed out of his door to see what the damage was. He met up with Ishtail and Brutacus in the main room. Apparently it wasn't something that they ran into; it was something that latched onto them. Aetius stared out the small port window not to look onto empty space, but the side of a massive hull, covered in the marks of warfare and evil. He rushed back to the main room to find that something was sawing off a hole that would expose them to the vacuum of space. A large crack followed that and soon the entire room was full of smoke. When the ash despersed, the found themselves surrounded by chaos space marines, bearing the colors of red, trimmed with black.

"ARGGGG!! Tie down these swin!" Ordered one of the marines.

As they were tied up, a figure came walking down the boarding latch, clouded by the smoke. They herd the figure's footsteps, a thud followed by what sounded like a wooden peg hitting the floor.

"Attention!" Screamed the mysterious marine.

The chaos marines stood in fashion, still aiming their bolters at them.

"ARGGGG, what may we have here today lads?"

It was undeniable. They were boarded by the Red Cosairs, and the person standing infront of them could not but only be Huron Blackbeard, the famous pirate lord.


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## dandan1350

ha diabetes


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## arturslv

Shit, man this is getting better and better by every line I read! Like DAAAAMN!!!


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## snarst

Fucking epic. Submit this to GW. This should get an award, I dont care who gives it or who its from give it one. Who gives awards on heresy?


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## ThatOtherGuy

I am really glad you guys are enjoying this. Unfortuantly, I dont think this will get an award in anysense... its just not grimdark enough for the majority on here to care... well, its their loss! :grin:


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## snarst

Take this rep.


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## ThatOtherGuy

snarst said:


> Take this rep.


And for that, here is chapter 11.

Chapter Eleven is... crap, I cant think of anything


Locked in the deepest part of the chaos cruiser, Aetius was sure this time that he was not getting out alive. Huron Blackbeard earlier mumbeled somthing about torture in the dungeons with the new prisoners, but so far this has yet to be fulfilled; but yet it is still something that he does not want to happen. Locked in shackles, they could all barely move around in their holding cell. With nothing to do before there inevitable demise, Ishtail played some music from her hamonica.

"Where the fuck did you get that harmonica?" Aetius asked Ishtail.

"I won it in the Captain Crunch box from last night! Thank you Brutacus for the food!"

"I will admit, when you went out in that diabetic coma it was really quiet."

The door swong open as three corsairs steeped forward. Two of them were holding the usually bolter but the one standing in the middle had a whip. They ripped open the pen and grabbed Brutacus and dragged him to a post towards the end of the room. They tied him up and began to have their fun. For an hour they flogged him, whipping violently and laughing in the proccess, screaming out insults towards the imperium and the Emperor. When they were done, they dragged him back to the pen and locked him up again, satisfied with the damage they believed they done to him.

"Are you all right?!" 

"Im fine Aetius... man... those guys are fucking retarded, they whipped me with my armor ON... I mean, even a blind person would stip a person of their armor before whipping."

The door burst open again, this time with Huron Blackbeard and a few of his men. The captain lord walked over to the pin, putting extra pressure on his adamantium peg leg with every step to insure that he was noticed.

"ARRRGGGG... What an interesting catch we have 'ere me maties! A grey knight, a man and a eldar child! Arrrggggg... You are all worth a bunch, so we put yer for ransom! The Imperium cannot loose another Grey Knight nor can the eldar lose another child- hey... where she may be?"

Huron and his men stood their for a moment looking around the dungeon. A second ago Ishtail was sitting their in chains infront of them and within a blink of an eye, she was gone. Huron and his men searched the area in hopes to find her hiding, but in the end were empty handed. Huron looked in the cell, and found a set of unlocked shackles. Frustrated, Huron cried in rage.

"How can this be! She was there a moment ago and now like a see worm she is gone!"

"Yeah... She has a tendency to simply disappear and go off to do something that usually has catastrophic results..." Aetius remembered.

"CURSE YE CHILD!!! ARRRRGGGGG!!!! I'LL SWI-"

He was cut off when the entire ship suddenly leaned starbord, knocking him and his men over on to the ground.

"By the seven segmentums! What by the briney sea space is going on?!" Huron screamed at his men.

They left the dungeon, unintentionally leaving Aetius and Brutacus unwatched with the cell door open. Huron stormed to the control room, bursting the door open while holding his saber in his hand as he was ready to strike the offender who was leading the ship. There he saw Ishtail holding the massive steering wheel, spinning it in random directions for her own amusement.

"WEEEEEEE!!! WEEEEEE!!!! WEEEEEEEE!!!! WEEEEEEEEE!!!!! WEEEEEE!!!!! I LOVE SPINNY!!!"

Huron and some corsairs tried to grab the child, but instead were flung around the room from the ever changing direction of the ship. Stumbling and falling over, Huron eventually made his way towards Ishtail. He grabbed her with his massive power claw, dangeling her over the ground so he can see eye to eye with her.

"ARRRRGGGG... you be a clever child to pull such a thing on 'ere old Huron Blackbeard! But humiliating me infront of my own men does not go unpunished here ye say... ARRGGGG...."

Huron drew his saber up to her throat, pointing the blade so that the tip just barely touched the skin. Ishtail began to whimper and cry as her life was this time truly at stake. But yet again, she drew out her secret move that Huron never suspected.

"ARRRGGG... What is this yer be doing?!" Huron said suprised.

He stared straight into Ishtail's eyes as she began dialating them.

"Arrggg... stop it be 'ere!"

She began to pout and whimper even more, looking more adorable ever second.

"ARRRGGG... Stop being so dam adorable!"

Huron's blade began to wobble, for he could not muster the strength to kill such a cute and adorable girl. He dropped her, feeling so terrible at threating her, yet still he wanted to decapitate the foul xeno for causing his humilation. 

"FALCON PUNCH!" Ishtail screamed as she threw an upper cut into his groin.

The massive pirate lord fell to his knees in agony, cursing and swearing as he watched Ishtail sprint out the door. She ran behind Brutacus, as he and Aetius were watching Huron staggering to get up.

"ARRRRGGGG... Me men, where are ye, for I command you kill these sea dogs!" Huron ordered, only to find none of his marines were no where close. "Where there be?!"

"Oh, I just told them that there are some women in the dungeon... horny little bastards. Never thought they would be that excited about women, you know... being on a ship for incrediably long time only with men... kinda sounds like a sausage feast to me." Aetius said.

"ARRRRGGGG!!!!" Huron screamed as he lunged at Aetius with saber in hand. Aetius in return drew out his sword.

"Where the fuck did you find that sword?" Asked Brutacus.

"I dunno, I just looked to my side and there it was... must be one of those things that appear when something cliche is about to happen... Also probably saves time from writing a good explanation for having a blade."

Huron engaged Aetius. The clashing of swords were heard all over deck as the two men fought with determination to kill each other. The dueled through the first floor, then the top deck, and finally their fight made its way to the front of the ship, all acted out with stereotypical pirate sword dueling moves and stuff. Huron finally cornered Aetius at the very tip of the ship in a large room. Aetius stood at the edge, looking behind him was a thin piece of glass that seperated him from space, and below was the deep and unforgiving pit. Huron moved forward, forcing Aetius to either fall or be thrown into the vacum of space.

"ARRRRGGGG.... What may be yer last words yer scallywag!"

Aetius couldn't believe his ears "did you say... scallywag?"

"Arrrrggg it be true!"

"Phhhhptt!... who the fuck uses the word scallywag anymore? I mean, get with today's linguo you old coot. For heaven's sake, its the 41k millenia and you still talk like its fucking 1691. Jeez its like-"

"ARRRRGGGG How dare ye insult my years in combat, I will-" Huron interrupted with rage before tradegy stuck him.

"Ok Aetius, I found a way off of this gay ass ship" Brutacus said as he shoved Huron to the side, screaming as he fell to his death.




The three of them made it off of the pirate cruiser with little problem, being ignored by the corsairs as they still searched for the imaginary women made it easy for them to find a escape pod. They flew the emergency spacecraft to a near by planet, which to them showed promising signs of civilzation. Unfortuantly, the ship was not designed for landing on a planet surface, so they burned through the atmosphere on their way down with the thought of doom. But miracuosly, they were saved from death by crashing into a lake. Once on shore, they noticed the landscape was dramatically different, a complete lie to what they saw above orbit. All they saw was a dead and barren wastland, stripped of all life and any signs of it as if it existed before.

"Well, smart move dumbass. We go from a fucking gay pirate ship to a no man's land in the middle of fuck-you-nowhere." Complained Brutacus.

"Well... heres the bigger question: would you prefer being raped by gay chaos pirates, or finding your way out of wasteland?" Aetius asked sarcasticaly.

"You got a good point there..."

The three of them began heading north... as they could interpet from the broken navigation systems on the ship. It wasn't for a while that they noticed through the fog that they were in a valley, locked off by mountains of intimidating nature. Rather than walk aimlessly, they sat down near a giant boulder to discuss what to do. As they were about to reach a conclusion, Ishtail noticed something around the corner.

"AAHH!!! A CAVE!!! Can we please go explore! I want to explore!" She gasped in excitment.

"FUCK NO!" Roared Brutacus "Everytime we do something that you want to do, we get ourselves deeper in a pile of shit! Half of all our dam problems here are because of you, you annoying xeno child!"

The sound of hostility and insult from Brutacus stuck Ishtail. She ran around the otherside of the boulder and started to bawl like it was the end of the world.

"What the fuck is that?!" Aetius yelled, surprised at Brutacus's hostility.

"Its true! Every time we do something that she wants to do, we end up in knee deep shit! Its all her fault that we are here in this knock off of Morodor!" 

"Brutacus... your such a asshole... jeez... Im going to calm her down, and I suggest you calm down as well" Aetius sighed.

"Screw you guys, Im going to find a bar..." Brutacus said, imitating Eric Cartman's cliche joke.

Brutacus stormed off into the fog, cursing as he went, while Aetius went around to calm Ishtail down.

"Sssshhhhh... I'll go explore the cave with you! We shouldn't go far, but we can go a little ways down!" Aetius said with a smile, hoping this would make her a bit happy.

"Okay" She sniffled.

The two of them began heading down into the cave, with Aetius hoping this would not turn into some death trap. They acended deeper into the cave, Aetius noticing that it got incredibly dark really fast. But in the distance they could see green dim light.

"I think we should turn around now Ishtail. Its getting too dark for us to go on."

Ishtail agreed and the two turned around, only to bumb into a large metal object. Aetius pulled out his lighter to see what they ran into. He turned it on and slowly his eyes followed up the metal construct.

"Greetings mortals..." Said a shadowy and raspy voice.

Ishtail and Aetius looked up and gazed into the face of the terrible living metal god of death: the Nightbringer. They screamed and ran off, just barely missing the god's scythe. They kept running away from him, only to run into a small metal construct. The lighter again revealed that their barrier was to be feared: dormat necron warriors. Every where they turned they ran into dormat necron warriors. But that didn't matter, the demi-god of death was chasing them, and they had to think fast if they wanted to save themselves. By pure luck they found the path that was to get out of this tomb, but before they could make any real progress, the Nightbringer was infront of them.

"I am so ever grateful that you could wake me up here! This world... no... this Universe is ready for the next harvest!" The god screamed at them.

Ishtail backed up, only to run into one of the dormat necron warriors. As she hit it, the metal skeleton fell backwards, hitting the one behind it. Within seconds it was the dominio effect as the next warrior knocked over the one behind it, going deeper into the caves. The Nightbriner stopped to listen to the comotion that was happening. It went some small clangs into the sounds of entire dormat warrior armies falling over, which was followed by explosions and the shaking of the cave. The Nightbringer couldn't believe it's eyes: his entire army was being destroyed by the domino effect of one fallen warrior. Soon, green pillows of light flashed followed by more sounds of explosions. The cave began to shake even more until it was undeniable: it was collapsing. The Nightbringer screamed in rage and turned around to kill the girl who started this. But it was too late; they were out of the cave.

Aetius watched as the cave collapsed, burying the necron army and the Nightbringer all in one go.

"Thats why we dont explore caves... Now then, where Brutacus?"


----------



## dandan1350

funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnny


----------



## arturslv

ThatOtherGuy said:


> I am really glad you guys are enjoying this. Unfortuantly, I dont think this will get an award in anysense... its just not grimdark enough for the majority on here to care... well, its their loss! :grin:


Eh, who needs gridark, when there's something as funny as this shit?


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

Chapter 12 is full of cliches


Aetius and Ishtail stood outside the cave, looking to see if there was any signs of Brutacus as to where he went. All they saw was nothing more than the bleak, rock barren land smothered by fog.

"Well... I think we lost him" Aetius said as he knew this was going to turn out to be another problem.

"He was a meanie!" Ishtail said still angry about Brutacus's harsh words.

"Even though his words were not exactly the nicest things, we still need to find him."

"Why? Hes a poopy head!" Ishtail said angerly.

Aetius wasn't in the mood for arguing, let alone why he would have to explain to her that even a asshole at times are helpful. So they headed out, calling his name in the fog, stepping over rocks and moving around boulders trying to call him out. They tried every call they could including bribes of alcohol, yet heard no response from him. For four hours they searched, but always heard nothing but the wind sweeping across the barren valley. Though their search was vain in finding their friend, they had found a way out of this valley, hopefully leading to greener areas. So Aetius concluded that Brutacus must of headed out of the valley, yet, he did not know how far out. So they began to move out of the desolate necron valley.



"So what can I get you to drink?" The bartender asked.

Brutacus sat their quietly, not responding to his question.

"Are you going to order anything or are you going to just sit there?"

"I'll have a hundred ales. Exactly one hundred ales." Muttered the grey knight.

As the bartender prepared several of his drinks, Brutacus sat in his booth, playing with the napkins to help pass the time before his ale arrives at the table. He sat their, just thinking to himself on how bad things were going.

"Well, I'll be dammed! A grey knight! Whats a fellow like you doing here?"

Brutacus turned his head, only to see an old man standing over him. The feeble man sat down across from him, slowly letting himself down into the seat, showing that his age has hampered his previous strength. Brutacus lifted his head and stared straight into the old man's eyes, glaring at him as an unwelcomed visitor.

"What the fuck do you want old timer?" He gruttled.

The old man leaned back with some suprise in his response, but somehow knew that it was not him who was the problem of this hostility.

"I say, such a person of your status usually dont say things of that sort to a old civillian... I sense there is something on your mind, am I wrong?" The old man asked.

Brutacus just shook his head, passively telling the old man that he did not want to talk. He continued with his drinking, ignoring the elder.

"Hmmmm... A hostile silence like this can only be the cause of frusteration... What is it that motivates you to hide down here?"

"Ahhh fuck you old man! Fuck!... Just fuck!..." Brutacus said as he slammed the table.

"Alot haunts your mind I can sense... But if you must have privacy to yourself without your memory haunting you, just take this piece of advise that I have always told my apprentices: If you want to get rid of it, you must face it." The old man cheerfully said.

"JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Brutacus in rage threw an empty glass at the old man, but in a blink of an eye the man was gone. He sat their, grumbling at how stupid the old fart's words were. But his subconscious on the other hand, was analyzing the old man's words. He was tired of running around with two morons which fueled his frustration he concluded at first. But the more he thought as he chugged another beer, the more he realized that it wasn't them he was mad at, but something that they triggered him to remember something in... His past. Something that he didn't want to remember. 

"Like I want to see them... or her again... I need another hundred ales." He grutteled.




It was about eight hours later and Brutacus was still in the bar at the same booth. It was him and the bartender that were the only ones in the room.

"Sir, Im sorry to say, but Im closing down."

Brutacus turned his head oh so slowly towards the bartender.

"Just give me another fifty beers... then I'll be out..."

"You've been through over 2000 bottles of booze! I had to order another shipment because of you! Now get out of here you lazy alcoholic."

Just as the giant was about to get up, screaming was heard outside. Curious yet apathetic, Brutacus peeked through the shades to see a sight he had almost long forgotten: a dark eldar raid. Men and women were running away as the xenos aboard their dark crafts ascended onto the streets. The local guardsmen put up a fight, but in the end were hew down by the wytches. He continued to see that they started to round up people and throw them into cages, for as easily assumed to be their toys later. Even with this chaos outside, Brutacus kept drinking, ignoring the whole situation.

"Dammit this beer is weak. I've been drinking this shit and I have'nt been close to being buzzed yet." He complained, ignoring the fact that the bartender cared little for his alcohol now.

The door was smashed open, as several dark eldar warriors stormed in. They jumped upon the bartender, tearing him to pieces. Yet, Brutacus kept drinking... until one of them smashed last bottle of ale infront of him as an act of insult. Outside, the raiders heard from in the bar screams of pain and agony, hinting that there might be a hold up of civillians in there, ready for torture. Several of them approached the bar, but only to be stopped to watch as one of their fellow warriors was hurled out of the side of the building.

"I sense that we have a hold up in there... so how about we send in the wytches to deal with them." Laughed one of the warriors.

A small group of wytches eagerly rushed into the bar ready to partake in the slaughter. It was a moment of silence before the shrieks of pain began to ring out the bar. The dark eldar began to laugh as they heard what appeared to be their opponets screaming for death. This, however, was proven horribly incorrect. They all stopped laughing when they saw one of the wytches run out with her trident shoved up her rectum, howling in agony and humiliation. There ideas began to dwindle dramatically as in how to uproot this resistence in the bar, but their leader had another idea.

"THATS IT! I'll deal with this" she said, pushing aside the spectators.

The eldar raiders watched their leader storm into the bar with a falchion in her left hand and a trident in the right. She looked around the bar to see that there was no resistence, but yet all of her raiders who went in slaughtered in gruesome ways.

"Show yourself! If you do, I promise to give you a quick and painless death! Dont make me root you out!" She taunted.

No answer. Frusterated, she headed towards the very end of the bar. She saw a moving shadow in the corner, and rushed over to slay her adversary. She had her blade in the air ready to strike until she saw him.

"Burt... Brutacus... is that you?" She slowly said suprised.

"Lelith?... I... Uhh... Ummm..." He said, just as equally suprised.

The two stood their, looking at each other in disbelief.

"So... how long has it been... 60 years since-"

"Look! I will say this right now, I am over it! I've moved on, im doing other things... ummm... and yeah! Im better with out you!"

Lelith looked at him and could tell that he was not over it. She dragged the decapitated wytch corpse off of the opposite seat and sat down. She looked at him and all of the surrounding beer bottles, empty glasses, and broken in kegs.

"Brutacus... Im not going to lie here... You look like a mess since we last saw each other... I've seen you drink, but this... this is just unhealthy." She said calmly, holding back most of her emotion.

The grey knight clasped his mug to the point that it shattered in his hand. He was losing it. All of the emotions and memories began to burst back into his vision. He couldn't handle it anymore.

"FUCK! I WAS LYING! Im... Im not over it! FUCK! I'VE TRIED SO HARD TO FORGET YOU!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!" Brutacus yelled, unable to hold back his emotion of loneliness and anger.

Lelith looked at him, watching him slowly break down emotionally. In the same sense, she too was losing the fight against her memories with him from ages ago.

"Im... Im sorry that things didn't turn out! I was so busy raiding, and you were on campaigns alot... I mean... It was something that it couldn't be... but yet... but yet I wished it could! *sob* I missed you too..." Lelith said, breaking out into tears.

Brutacus ripped the table off and threw it out the window, killing one of the warriors in the proccess. Lelith dove into Brutacus's arms, both of them sobbing.

"I missed you so much!... I... I... Love you!" she said, barely speaking the last part.

"AAWWW FUCK!! I love you too!"

They sat their, sobbing in each others arms about their time spent apart. On the other hand, the raiders outside we completely lost on what was going on inside.

"Whats with all of this crying Im hearing?" Asked on of the warriors.

"Sigh... Its one of those cliche moments that deals with two past lovers who missed each other and yadda yadda... you know, that romatic crap..." said one of the wytches, face palming the entire situation.

"Ahhhh... just like those really bad romantic movies made for lonely fat girls?"

"Yep, just like that."


----------



## Kale Hellas

best story ever made


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

_Ok, so the deal is that Im heading back to college. I wont be able to write for a while (as in about two days), but here is chapter 13._

Chapter 13... I saw horrible things


"Holy shit... he traveled a long ways while we were in that cave"

Aetius and Ishtail have been traveling over a day, going farther and farther away from their previous location. Yet, Aetius had the feeling that they were heading in the right direction. They were right about the valley; they moved through and did reach the side of vegatation, even though it was only large plains of grass and sparse trees. Even in this vast widerness of grass, Aetius could see signs of civilzation. He saw in the distance to his surprise, large billows of smoke and fire from what appears to be a small village.

"I think we may found where Bruatucs is." Aetius said.

Ishtail, still mad from Bruatucs's harsh words, mumbled in return. Even with her anger, Aetis grabbed her hand and they headed over to the remains of the village. As they got closer, the picture got clearer; a massive raid was preformed on the unsuspecting village. The began to approach with caution, sensing that the raiders were still probably in the surrounding area. They crept closer, geting a clearer view with every step. Voices were finally heard as they finally got to one of the buildings on the outskirts. The conversation they heard was about torture and combat, slaves and experimatation. It was undeniable on who they were.

"Ishtail, stay here." Aetius said as he hide her in the thick brush.

Aetius walked over slowly and peered around the corner. The dark eldar warriors were still delving into their twisted conversation as Aetius krept up behind one. One of the warriors turned around.

"Ah! Another slave!" He screamed.

Aetius pushed the warrior into the other one. The excessive spikes on his armor pierced into the xeno behind, killing him almost immedietly while immobilizing the prior. He grabbed his splinter rifle and shot the warrior in the face.

"That was a nice suprise! Too bad we have your little friend while you were gone!" Said a voice behind him.

Aetius turned around to see a wytch holding Ishtail above the ground by her coller. As he made his move forward, he was siezed by another two warriors behind him and was dragged to their main cruiser.

"I hope you like pain!" the wytch laughed "Because it will be the only thing you will ever feel again!"

They threw him and Ishtail onto the raiding ship, done with their joyous destruction of the village. The main pilot started the ship... but without luck.

"What is going up their?!" Screamed the wytch.

"The engine wont start!" The pilot yelled back.

"Have you tried pulling on the choke first?"

"Yeah! It still wont start."

The pilot jumped out and headed to the hood of the ship. Unlocking it, he peered inside to check out the motor.

"Awww fuck! The starter motor died! Dammit Izael, why did you have to pick the Ford one?!"

"Because they said it was the most reliable!"

"Don't you know that Ford is full of shit? Their cars and ships suck balls!"

"Well I thought that stimulus package was to help them bring back quality vehicals!?"

"No it was to keep the company running and provide jobs! And also just beacuse they got a huge dose of worthless money doesn't make them better... Never mind, Im calling a mechanic..."

While the pilot and the wytch were arguing, Ishtail and Aetius managed to escape... well, of course they did, they didn't tie them up. They snuck off and hid into a near by building.

"Ok, I see a bar over their... If there is a bar, Brutacus is obviously there... how about you check it out since you can sneak past all of them." Aetius whispered.

"No! I dont want too, why dont you go check it out!" She said as she stomped her foot in protest.

"I'll take you to Toy'R Us if you do..."

"Done!" She said enthusiastically. 

Ishtail sprinted off passing all of the dark eldar as she headed off to the bar. She snuck in and quietly looked around. All she could find is empty beer bottles and mutilated dead bodies. Thinking the place was empty, she turned around, but was stopped when she heard voices in the back. One of them was femmine and the other was of course the gruffy Brutacus. She tip-toed around the corner to witness a sight she will never forget as long as she lived: Brutacus making sweet hot love to Lelith. She slowly stepped back and walked out of the bar. Ishtail returned to Aetius, her face as pale as a white piece of printer paper and her mouth dropped open in horrified shock.

"Well... Is he in there?" Aetius asked.

"I saw things... horrible things..." She slowly said, completely dramatized.




Brutacus and Lelith walked of out the pub, both with large smiles on their faces from their little romantic moment.

"I will never go back to human women ever again..." Brutacus complimented.

"Phsssh... Dark eldar men are nothing compared to you, my knight in shinning armor!" Lelith laughed as she leaned closer to him.

As they walked out, the rest of the raiding party stared at them in complete silence, confused on what was going on with them.

"Did... did... did you guys just bump beds in that bar?" Asked one of the warriors slowly.

Lelith gave him a large smile showing that he was correct.

"Why would you sleep with someone inferior! Thats... disgusting!" Said one of the wytches, horrified by their act of love.

"Sister... do yourself a favor and get yourslef a space marine... perferably a space wolf..." Lelith laughed as she and Brutacus walked pass them to the ship.

"Well... Promise you will call me? I have plenty of free time in Commorragh..." She said to Brutacus seductivly.

"Fuck yeah."

She waved good bye to Brutacus as she stepped aboard the raiding ship, blowing him a kiss as they took off. He watched as they dissapeared into the webway, feeling that life was going to be better from hear on out.

"There you are! We've been looking for you for the past fucking two days!"

Brutacus turned around to see Aetius walk out of the brush along with Ishtail, who was completely shaken.

"Well... I heard there is an Ultramarines encampment several miles east. I reckon we can hitch a ride there, seeing that a Grey Knight has more sway in conversation than a ex-guardsmen." Aetius said as he pointed east.

Ishtail slowly walked toward Brutacus and whispered:

"What... were... you... doing in there?"

The giant crouched down and looked her straight in the eyes.

"Something incrediably wonderful..." He said sarcasticly.


----------



## arturslv

Ahahaahaaahhh, shit, man, but I think the best way for Ishtail to describe what she saw is somewhat like this: Eyes. Tear. Out. Now. Can't. Unsee.


----------



## Kale Hellas

that poor poor eldar child


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

Chapter 14 is not perfect


The three of them have been walking for hours, climbing over hills and ledges, and other natural formations. It wasn't till they reached a ledge that they saw the Ultramairnes camp. The large steel walls and command stations were lined up neatly and perfectly. The reflections off of the roofs and vehicals were clean to the point that you could see your reflection in it. The camp was immaculant, yet, some how despiseable. They moved to the gates, and saw that too, the massive steel doors were too perfect to be true. Before Aetius could clear his throat to call them out, the gates opened slowly, causing enough dust to fly into the air, but not enought to desturbed the perfection of their gate. A massive blue figure stepped forward with his honor guard by his side.

"GREETINGS! WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THIS PERFECT GLORIOUS ENCAMPMENT OF OURS?!" Boomed the marine.

Aetius stood there suprised by this marine's loud voice.

"Yeah... We are here to-"

"We need a fucking space ship you smuf!" Brutacus interrupted.

"COME IN THEN BROTHER GREY KNIGHT, WEAK LITTLE GUARDSMEN AND SMALL SUSPECIOUS CHILD WHO IS EXECPTIONALLY ADORABLE!!"	

They walked into the camp and saw that everything was in perfect order. The grass they stood on was perfectly trimmed, the armor on all of the marines were polished too perfection, the vehical's outer shells looked almost as mirrors and even the dirt road was perfectly smoothed out.

As they reached the center, the commander turned around and posed in the most heroic manner. Several squads of marines rushed behind him and did they same, posing like the Emperor's finest.

"WE ARE THE ULTRAMARINES! WE ARE THE EMPEROR'S FINEST! WE ARE THE EMPEROR'S MOST PERFECT WARRIORS AND ULTIMATE KILLING MACHINE! WE ARE THE ULTRAMARINES!" The commander said with gusto and pride.

"More like the ultrafaggots..." Brutacus mumbled.

"APOCROTHARY! BRING THESE GUESTS SOME WATER, FROM OUR QUINTUPLE FILTRATION SYSTEM THAT IS BLESSED BY FIVE CHAPLAINS AND HAS THE CHAPTER MASTERS APPROVAL ON IT!"

The apocrothary rushed out, and deliverd some golden embroided cups of fresh water. They all took a drink of it and with it became incrediably refreshed. And yet, they despised the drink. Just as their hospitatllity was getting overrated and annoying, a siren blared.

"ULTRAMARINES, ASSEMBLE!"

The entire camp rushed to the commander in neat and orderly fashion, not stiring a spec of dust on the way. They ordered up within two seconds and once again posed heroically with their bolters and weapons.

"WE HAVE INFORMATION THAT A BATTLE IS RAGEING ON BETWEEN THE IMPERIAL GUARD AND THE ORKS THREE HUNDRED MILES FROM HERE! WE ARE CALLED TO ASSIST! SO REMEMBER THE DRILL: WE ARRIVE WHEN THE BATTLE IS ALMOST OVER, KILL THE LAST REMAINING ENEMY FORCES AND THEN TAKE ALL THE GLORY! ULTRAMARINES, MOVE OUT!"

It was a sight to behold as Aetius watched the Ultramarines pack there equipment and weaponry at the speed of lightning. It only took five minutes until the entire camp was empty, yet still perfectly clean. Aetius looked around to see that all of the ships, tanks, and speeders were gone. His plan for transportation foiled again... as usual.

"Ok, so now what genius?" Bellowed Brutacus.

"Well, lets look around to see if there is anything worth taking along with us to the next city... which is about eight hundred miles from here." Aetius said disappointed.

All three of them began looking around: Aetius was in the mess hall and infermary, Brutacus was in the armory and command post and Ishtail was in the hanger.

"Well Brutacus, find anything?"

"FUCK YEAH! A plasma cannon!" Brutacus said with extreame excitement..

The giant grey night started to blast away the buildings and supplies in the camp. His shots tore holes in the walls and removed all forms of useful objects. He continued on his happy-fun-time rampage until the cannon ran out of power. But still that did not stop him. He instead started to smash everything with the gun until the expensive piece of equipment was dead. Just as Brutacus finished his fun in obliterating the camp with the now dead plasma cannon, a large rumble echoed behind them. They both turned their heads, seeing now that the sun has been blocked out by a massive vehical that happened to be right behind them without noticing it. They backed up, but the monsterous tank followed them. They moved again, but it followed again. They continued this until each move became more extreme, stopping closer to them everytime. This time they started to run from the tank, but it followed pursuit with even more ferocity. They would hide behind rubble and broken walls, but the massive vehicle continued its pursuit for them. This lasted for about an half hour until the tank cornered Brutacus.

"You fucking machine spirit! I'll rip your internal system out and piss on!" He screamed at the mighty machine.

The tank turned stopped, and turned off. The top latch popped open and a familar face showed itself.

"HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHA!!! I GOT YOU!!!" Ishtail screamed with enjoyment.

"YOU LITTLE FUCKER!!" The knight raged as he started to vainly chase after the tank as she drove off away from him. When his anger was cooled, he and Aetius moved onto the tank.

"Holy shit! A freaken landraider redeemer! Where the hell did you find this?" Aetius said amazed.

"In the garage!" Ishtail proudly said.

"OK, mover over pip-squeek, im driving this bitch" Brutacus said as he shoved Ishtail down the hatch to make room for himself.



They drove off into the direction that the Ultramarines went off to. They theorized that with Imperial forces about, they can try to find away off... again. Closer and closer they got to the supposed battle zone, the more marks of war were shown across the battlefield. Over what seemed to be another endless ridge, they found the battle. Orks were raining down from the hills across the the river drowned in blood. The imperium forces were entrentched on the other side, barely holding out against the onslaught, even with the help of the Ultramarines, who were suprisingly still clean and no marks or wounds.

"Ok, now what?"

Aetius paused and thought hard. This is the first time he has been a real combat since Tarvos... semi-combat actaully. But still their lives are at risk here and making bad decisions was not the best thing to choose for this situation. Aetius began to colaborate a plan with Brutacus on what to do, but he foolishly got out of the driver's seat to do so. Ishtail took immediate advantage of this golden oppertunity and rushed in to take the vacant spot.

"Can I drive!?" She asked.

"No, we dont even know-"

"TOO LATE!!"

She put the massive tank onto full throttle and sped down into the fray of combat. Running over trentches, guardsmen and orks, she laughed and screamed with joy as if it was a ride. She pressed the automated weapons system button and the machine spirit took over the dual inferno cannons. Fire spat forth from the land raider as it incinerated every living thing in sight, reducing the battlefield into ash. Such random destruction caused chaos among the orks. Within minutes of the super happy fun time assault, the ork army was reduced to smoldering ash.

"I WANNA DO IT AGAIN!" Ishtail screamed in delight as she kicked her legs up an down.

"No, I think you had enough." Said Aetius as he took over the controls again from the insane girl.

He drove up to the remaining guardsmen. The sounds of cheering and praise were heard outside the hull, as the gaurdsmen celebrated their almost lost victory. Aetius opened the hatch and heard the joy of the men, all directed towards him. When Aetius thought that everything was going to be ok, he heard a voice yelling in shock.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY LANDRAIDER! ITS ALL DENTED AND DIRTY!"

Aetius looked at the Ultramairnes captain, his face all red with rage about his poor vehical. He looked to see the other Ultramarines angry and infuriated by how un-perfect their landraider has become. Some of them were so shocked that they fainted in their breatheren arms.

"Stop complaining... we saved the day and saved this world. Whats there to be angry about?" Aetius joked.

"YOU ARE A TRAITOR! YOU HAVE TAKEN THE GLORY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OURS TODAY, YOU HAVE DEFILED OUR LANDRAIDER AND HAVE UPLIFTED THE MORAL OF THESE MEN! THAT IS THE TRUE ACTS OF A TRAITOR!"

Aetius looked at the hull of the landraider, noticing that there was only a single scratch on the anctient machine.

"Awww comon... that can be easily repaired. I mean-"

"NO IT CAN NOT! IT WONT BE PERFECT ANYMORE THEN! THATS NOT THE ULTRAMARINES WAY!" The commander yelled in fury.

The massive space marine was about to continue until a huge gush of fire erupted from one of the inferno cannons. The blast purged the commander and his Ultramaries, turning them to cinder.

"My bad! I thought that was the radio..." Brutaucs apologized.


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

Chapter 15 has /tg/

The surrounding troops stood there silent as they looked upon the smoldering remains of the Ultramarines. Rather than attacking Aetius, the cheered and celebrated even more from the glory hogging space marines. The three of them disembarked the landraider and soon where overwhelmed by the troops in praise. But this joyous moment was silenced as gun shot rang from behind the troops, followed by order. The guardsmen raced into formation as they obeyed their commander's orders. A curved figure strolled on by the men, heading towards the heros of the day

"That reckless move was quiet impressive. I never expected such lousy driving to be the downfall of the enemy... anyways, we thank you for your timely arrival."

The three of them stared at the commissoner and were suprised that she was a women. She had an intimidating look and gave off an aura of dread amongst the men. One of the men coughed behind her, and without a heart beat, she shot him directly in the head.

"Forgive me, the men here are quiet lousy troops and I need to show them true discipline." She said, showing no facial expression.

Brutacus looked at her suspiciously. He scanned here from top to bottom, checking every detail and article of clothing. He even went so far as to adjust his helmets schematics to see the fine detail on her badges and marks. Though he found nothing too suspicious about her clothing, her attitude, her posture and how she handle her pistol seemed very familiar.

"Im sorry commissar" Brutacus asked "But we didn't catch your name..."

"Well, if you must know grey knight, my name is Commissar Raege"

Brutacus flipped. He snatched away her pistol and began to blow her brains out, unloading the whole clip at her head. He even went so far as to beat her dead corpse with the butt of the pistol to insure her death.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Screamed one of the guardsmen.

"Do not fear! This is buisness of the ordo maleus... this has no concern of you!" Brutacus said in a psuedo-serious way.

When he was done going ape shit on here, he pulled out a small list from his pack. It was a ancient piece of paper, showing years of use by the hands, but it was still intact. He took out a small pen and wrote an x by her name.

_/tg/ people that I need to kill_
_Karskin-Chan X
Cultist-Chan X
loli-demonette
Commissar Raege X
Noise Marine-Chan X
Taldeer and that stupid assassin X
Macha
That pedo-sister of battle
loli-cron X
Doomrider_

"Hey Brutacus, whats that list?" Aetius asked.

"Oh, its nothing... its just personal chores that need to be taken care of... just ignore it."

The guardsmen looked upon the dead corpse of their commissoner, which had been mauled and brutalized almost beyond recognition. The men stood around, asking what to do now that they didn't have a leader among them. It wasn't long till they got into form and marched back to their camp, comming up with the idea that she died in combat. All looked dandy and happy to them until something worse came along their way. They saw in the distance a group of red warriors, trimmed with brass and armed with axes, screaming and spinting towards them. The stood in position with lasguns up, preparing for a last minute defense; but it failed.

"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!!!" Screamed the leader amongst the berzerkers.

They rushed onto the guardsmen, ripping and tearing them into pieces with their chainaxes. The poor troops tried to retaliate, but where hacked and butcherd in return. It was a bloody orgy of death and slaughter. Aetius and Brutacus were concerned of their position, fearing that they would be spotted and become another victim.

"Ok, I think we should get back into... Ishtail?.. where did you get that pop corn?"

She sat their on the ground, watching the guardsmen get murdered like it was some movie.

"Can you move... Im trying to watch." She said with a mouth full of popcorn.

It was about several minutes later until the World Eaters Berzerkers finished their bloodshed. It wasn't too long before they found Ishtail sitting on the hill, munching away at a snickers.

"THAT WAS COOL!!!" She yelled at them.

"BLOOD!!! BLOOD!!! BLOOD!!!" Screamed the berzerkers as they sprinted up the hill. 

Brutacus grabbed Ishtails hand and they hauled ass back to the landraider. Aetius on the other hand was left behind by the pure chaos. He started to follow them but was overruned by the vicious horde. They circled him, frothing at the mouths and brandishing their chainaxes. But luck came to him when he remembered what Vicky told him earlier.

"Wait!" He called out.

The blood thirsty band stopped to listen to him.

"And why should we wait!?" one of them snarled.

"Uhhh... well, never mind... I thought cool people like you wouldn't kill someone without a good reason... you know, thats all."

The axe wielding warriors calmed down and stopped to think about what Aetius said.

"So... do you consider us cool?" One of them asked.

"Yep... You guys are not that bad... I just feel like you guys get a bad rep... you know?"

The berserkers nodded their heads in agreement.

"Yeah... its tough... I mean, every where we go, people are like 'oh no the world eaters, there are mean and terrible' and we try to disprove them, but then they piss us off by ignoring our words, and... well... things usually get ugly from there... It just makes us so angry at times to be looked upon as villians.." One of them sadly said, invoking the emotion of pity among them all.

"Yeah... I feel you... I feel you... Im sorry that people are jerks." Aetius said sympathetically.

He had their trust now. He could escape and catch up to Brutacus and Ishtail, but something else instead caught his mind... something more personal.

"Say... do you guys know anyway that I can get into the warp?... I need to go to Khorne's place."

"Oh of course! Just across that hill is a warp portal. Its the one that we used to come here, but turn a left after you enter and you will be around the blood god's domain." One of them said helpfully.

"Well thanks... Hey, you guys stay cool!" Aetius said as he walked away unscratched.

"Dont worry, were always cool! Now then, lets finish killing everyone on this planet!"

The Berserkers ran off into the opposite direction, screaming war cries with their new boosted self confidence.



They had no idea where they were going. All they did was get into the landraider and drove away from the World Eater's band as fast as possible. Ishtail and Brutacus knew they left Aetius behind, but if they did stay, they couldn't save him. This has loomed over their minds for what seemed to be an eternity, regretting that they didn't even try to help. They instead, like cowards, fled from the scene. Guilt wracked, Ishtail and Brutacus sat silently as they traveled into who knows where. It wasn't too long before Ishtail couldn't take it any more.

"BWWAAAAAAAA!!!" She screamed in tears, as she started to cry more than she ever did.

Suprisingly this time Brutacus wasn't mad at here or even annoyed, for deep down inside his alcohol drentched heart, he too felt like he needed to cry.

"HES DEAD!!! HES DEAD!!! I MISS HIM!!!" Ishtail continued to wail.

She started to cry so hard that she began to hyperventilate, desperatly trying to catch her breath. Brutacus stopped the landraider and moved into the back seat. He held her in his amrs to try to comfort her, but instead he broke down into tears as well. Both of them, greif stricken by their friend's death, only cired. It wasn't till an hour later that they calmed down from the tear fest. Brutacus slowly backed up and looked at Ishtail straight into her eyes and said slowly:

"If you tell anyone about this, I swear by the Emperor I will murder your ass."

They took off once more, heading into the west.

_edited because of some typos_


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## ThatOtherGuy

_So school has been keeping me busy, leaving me only with very little free time. So instead of video games, I will finish this story and probably start on something serious... or not._

Chapter 16 you get to meet the family.

The ever changing sky which craked fire and lightning offered a familiar sight to Aetius. Again he stood on the endless wastes outside of the domains of the chaos gods. But unlike last time, he was alone, broke, defenseless and most importantly, no way out of the warp. But at least he did know someone here: Vicky. Infact, the whole point of him comming here in the first place was to see her. But another problem stood in his way to see his secret girlfriend: where was she? The most obvious answer to this would be in the fortress of eternal war, but again, where the hell was that?.. As soon he entered, he forgot the directions that the Berserkers gave him. So, as the usually but stupid thing to do, he went off to ask for directions. It wasn't long before he saw someone, or more aproperite, something in the distance. He saw the creature illuminate the sky with a array of colors, some that were familiar and some that were new to him. As he moved closer, the creature he sought after, grew in size. He realized that this entity was no small demon.

He reached the creature, towering over him with its huge bird wings that were gleaming with sorcerous colors. He thought that he made a terrible mistake approaching this creature, for he realized that it was a greater demon, obviously something that really shows no hospitality. On the other hand, he felt that this demon would actually give him a legit answer, something that would be worth his time... even if he did devour his soul after wards. Summoning up all of his courage, he tapped the massive avian demon's leg. The creature swong around, gazing at him with a stare that gave off a false sense of security. His massive bird like head, adored with a crown of gold and jewels, looked at him with joy.

"What do we have here?" The demon slowly said with an evil curiosity.

The creature cirlced Aetius, examining every part of him as if he was some sort of new species of a specific animal.

"This is interesting" the demon muttered. "A human that has yet to lose his soul down here? My, my,my... Tell me mortal, what brings you down here?"

"I am here to ask directions to khorne's domain, and to his fortress." Aetius said.

The demon smiled, mentally concoting a plan for Aetius.

"Normally I would obliterate you immedietly and then torture your soul for all of eternity, but since you actually asked me without any sort of fear, I will tell you... on one condition..."

"Ugghhhh... what is it?" Aetius said, completely annoying by having to do some sort of stupid trade off for directions again.

The demon chuckled at his slight frustration.

"If you answer this question, I shall tell. If you cant, then you shall suffer."

"Go for it."

"You are standing on one side of the river. With you, you have two chickens and one fox. Your goal is to get two chickens to the other side of the river. You can only carry one chicken across the river at a time. However, if you leave one chicken behind with the fox, the fox will eat the chicken. How do you achieve this?" The demon grinned.

Aetius sat there for a moment, thinking of an answer for this seemingly impossible question. But to the demons surprise, he had a response.

"Okay, so first I buy chicken insurance, so if I lose a chicken, the company will repay me with another fresh chicken. Next, I take one to the other side, but the inevitable happens: the fox eats the one left behind. So after that, I sue the fox for eating a piece of property, have his ass thrown in jail, and the insurance company will give me a chicken from the damages. So in the end, I have two chickens on one side and extra money. Thats how you do it."

"holy shit, hes good..." muttered the demon to himself.

The massive creature sighed in defeat, knowing that for the first time in his existence, he has been outwitted. But yet, he refused to hold up his end of the bargin.

"That is very good mortal. But you've been played this entire time! You will now have to serve me!" The demon laughed.

Aetius, having enough of this puedo-master-mind shit, grabbed the creatures staff.

"HEY!! Give that back!" The demon roared.

"Not till you give me the directions!"

"You shall pay for this mortal!" The demon raged.

Aetius began to sprint off, with the avian demon right behind him. Though the massive game of keep away lasted for what seemed to be an eternity, it ended when the monster collapsed with fatigue. Aetius, standing above him victorious of embarrising the great servent of Tzeetch, bent down and asked him again where the fortress is. The demon lifted his finger and pointed in the direction of where it laid.

"Its... over... there..." It gasped.

Aetius threw the staff like a javiein into the distance and walked off towards his destination, whistling "The Longest Day" as he went.




"Sir, would you like another drink?"

"Sure..." Brutacus sighed.

Ishtail and Brutacus sat at the bar, queitly drinking booze and chocolate milk, trying to overcome their sadden hearts for the lost of a friend. Ishtail drew pictures on her napkin, seeing that it would draw her attention away from sorrow, but ended up drawing pictures of depression. Brutacus instead tried to solve his sorrow by drinking, but yet it seemed to do nothing at all. They have been at the shanty for an hour, both attempting to to cheer up.

"What has loomed over your minds so much as to hide from the world?" 

Both of them turned around to see an old man, familiar only to Brutacus.

"Awwww fuck its you again... leme guess, you have some sort of words of wisdom that will magically solve all of our problems? Well guess what? IT WONT!" Brutacus said angrey, slamming his fist on the table in frustration.

"I sense that both of you mourn over the loss of a dear friend? Is it not true?"

They both sat there silently, afraid to admit that the old man was right.

"Ummm hmmm" Ishtail said whimpering.

The old man took a seat next to Ishtail, slowly turning towards them.

"Well, I may have some good news for you, if you want to listen" he said with a smile.

"The only news that would lighten us up now is that your going to die tomorrow so you would stop magically apearing and give us meaningless advice! Fuck, you like Gandalf the Grey but even more useless." Brutacus sarcastically returned.

"Well, that is something that is not going to happen soon" the old man chuckled "But, to be honest here, your friend Aetius is not dead."

Ishtail and Brutacus froze. Is this man telling the truth, or is he just a pile of shit?

"How the fuck do you know?! He was butchered by berserkers, he couldn't possible live through that!"

The old man laughed again.

"I know alot of things. If you do want to find him, he is in the domain of the chaos gods, fulfilling a personal agenda. I suggest that you try to find him rather than sulking in this dismal place."

Brutacus was about to flip into rage for this old man's bullshit. He smashed a vodka bottle on the side, ready to cut him up, but like before, he vanish.

"God dammit... not only hes annoying, but he can fucking teleport..." Brutacus muttered.

"Should we try? I dont want to be here anymore..." Istail asked.

"Why not... Might as well trying to find him... if he is still alive."




Aetius stood outside the towering gates. The massive walls of the citadel loomed over him as a ant next to a house. Skins of both alien and human nailed on the wall, waved in the wind as Aetius nervously stood next to the gate. Even though he risked his life entering the massive fortress of carnage, he was still determined to see Vicky. He looked around to see if there was a massive door knob of some sort, but he could not find one. Instead, he found a small intercome on the side of the gate. He moved over and pressed the button. A massive ring was heard inside the fortress as he waited for an answer. It wasn't too long before the door creaked open.

"Somebody ring?"

Aetius walked up to the bloodletter.

"Yeah, that was me. Im here to see Vicky."

"Yeah, hold on a sec, leme get her."

Aetius peered through the door and listened to the bloodletter, who lazily screamed out her name.

"VICKY!!! SOMEONE IS HERE TO SEE YOU!"

"WHO IS IT?!" said a faint femine voice.

"I DONT KNOW!! LEME ASK!!"

The bloodletter trotted back down.

"Im sorry, but uhh... whats your name?"

"Its Aetius."

"HEY VICKY!! ITS AETIUS!!" The demon screamed back.

"OH! I WILL BE THERE IN A SECOND!!" She screamed back.

Aetius waited there at the door with the bloodletter in a awkward silence. It was about a moment later that Vicky showed up.

"Hey honey!" she said, as she embraced Aetius with a kiss on the cheek.

"Hey girl. Hows it goin?" Aetius asked.

"Oh fine... just killing demonettes and bloodletters, nothing terrible new. Oh! I also bought this new khornite necklace, do you like it?"

"It looks great on you!"

"Awwww thanks! Say, were having dinner really soon, would you like to join us?"

"Uhhh... sure! Sure! I would love to!" Aetius said hesitantly.

Vicky grabbed his hand and they walked over to the inner sanctium of the citadel. She opened the massive blood covered brass doors and led him into the grand hall. Aetius looked with awe to see the massive pillars that held up the room, donned with weapons, trophys and skulls.

"Daddy! I have a guest for dinner!"

Aetius looked in horror to what he saw. Two massive doors at the end of the hall swung open, with a colossal being casting a shadow of insane proportions. The huge hulking demon walked down the hall, shaking the room with every step.

"Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend Aetius" Vicky said proudly.

The massive demon looked down at Aetius. Aetius could see his ornate brass armor and his crown of skulls, obviously giving the sign that this was no ordinary bloodthirster.

"Nice to meet you Aetius" the gargantuan growled "The name is Khone."

"I can see that you two will get along fine!" Vicky said "Pardon me, but Im going to get myself cleaned up for dinner! I will see you in a bit."

Aetius watched her trot off around the corner. It was now him and the Blood God, something that he had never fathomed to ever happen. The massive god stared at him with vengance roaring in his eyes, passivly telling Aetius that he was at his mercy. The god then lunged at him, only to stop a few inches away from his face. His breath overwhelmed Aetius, as the scent of blood and death were too great for one man to stand it all at once.

"Now listen here..." Khorne began "Vicky is my only daughter and if you dare mess with her I will tear your soul apart and it will fester with hate and rage for all of eternity. If you dare offender her, I will make you suffer pain beyond all imagine. If you touch her in the wrong way, I with have you be devoured by a thousand blood hounds. YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!"

The god's scream threw Aetius on the floor, sliding him across the blood soaked hall into one of the columns.

"IF YOU DARE HURT HER IN ANYWAY I WILL-"

"KHORNE! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO THREATEN OUR GUESTS?!" Screamed a voice down the hall.

Khorne turned around "Zelda, Im just trying to lay the ground rules out for our-"

"That doesn't matter! Show some manners once in a while!"

Aetius peered over to see another colossol demon god, but it had a much more femminie look. The demoness walked down the hall, shaking the room, but in a ever more gentle way. He looked upon the demonic goddess as she held in one hand a spoon and in the other a oven mitt.

"I am so terribly sorry there. Its just that KHORNE here has a hard time with respecting guests" She apologized as she scolded the blood god. "Why dont you introduce me to Vicky's boy friend, Khorne?..."

"Fine... This is my lovely wife Zelda and Vicky's mother." Khorne said forcefully from his wife.

"Nice to meet you..." Aetius said.

"Nice to meet you too! Now then, dinner will be done in about ten minutes."

Aetius watched Zelda head back into the other room, leaving him once again at the mercy of Khorne.


----------



## Kale Hellas

Single Most Epic Story Known To Everyone


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## snarst

The second I was the word dad I knew it would be khorn.


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## arturslv

This is the best thing I have ever read!


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## ThatOtherGuy

arturslv said:


> This is the best thing I have ever read!


Glad that you all enjoy it!
Chapter 17... alcohol kills everyone.

"Well, this brings us to another question; where the fuck is a device that will get us to the warp?"

Brutacus and Ishtail pondered on this problem, for Brutacus did have a point on the situation, an intelligent point for once. They began to colaberate on ideas, but most of them came from Brutacus for Ishtail had no idea on technology outside of an ipod.

"Well, we first need to know a device that can get us there... and second, we need to find a place where a device of that use can be found." Brutacus pondered.

"Not to be rude or anything, but I do know of a place in which such technology can be found." The bartender said as he over heard the conversation.

"Yeah? Whats the palce then?"

"Our sister solar system has a forge world that specializes in energy cores and ships. You could find a device of such use there... you know... a warp capatable ship." Said the bartender as he leaned over.

"Well then... how do we get over there?" Brutacus said.

"Theres a space port not to far from here that does system traveling. Pay the right amount and they'll take you over there."

The two had no other option of success. Ishtail and Brutacus climbed back into the land raider and drove off to the space port. They arrived just in time for the flight, for the next day they would have to be stuck on this planet for another week. After paying the horrendously over priced tickets and sitting on a crammed ship with a bunch of homeless people, they arrived at the forge planet. As soon as they walked off the ship, the smell of smoke, acid, steel and fire immedietly embraced their senses. Ishtail was forced to wear a mask for protection against such dangerous fumes, while Brutacus inhaled the concoction, stating that it tasted like steel and pineapple in his mouth. As they made there way to what looked like the main administration for the newly built ships, a sign caught their attention. The huge banner was advertising an advent that appeared to be very important. As usual, curiosity took the better of them.

They walked into what appeared to be a massive energy plant, but with rows upon rows of chairs in front of a massive curtain. Hundreds of people where there, ranging down from the Mechanicus all the way down to the Inquisition. Ignoring all forms of polietness, Brutacus pushed aside people and made his seat up front. When the entire crowd sat down in their respective chairs, the light dimmed and a enginseer took the makeshift center stage.

"The Adeptus Mechanicus is very grateful that you could all make it tonight for the unvieling of a new piece of technology that will revolutionize the imperium!" Said the enginseer on stage.

The crowd applauded in relation.

"Now then, this piece of wonderful technology was no easy task, yet, its price and the effort will pay off like no tomorrow!"

"So what is it?" Cried one of the people in the audience.

"I proudfully present you: The Coreus Maximus!"

A massive curtain fell down and revieled a massive generator that glowed ever so proudly. Its metal shell was perfectly polished and decorated, forever immortalizing it into the crowd's memories. The audience gasped in amazement and wonder, which was followed by a large applause.

"This wonderful generator has the power to sustain four forge words along with three hive worlds! But this was not its purpose. From the consent of the High Lords and the Adaptus Mechanicus, this will become the new power generator for the Golden Throne! You see, it will not replace the ancient core, but instead, it will be hooked up to the Throne, powering it and thus making the Astronomican even more powerful!" The enginseer said with delight.

The audience once again applauded and cheered for this amazing technological advencement that will save the dying Emperor.

"So what powers this thing?" Once again asked a member of the audience.

"Ah, yes! The main thing that powers this is that it uses a concentrated cell of pure psychic energy. This energy store can last up to about eight hundred years. When replacing the cell, the core will go to its back up energy, which would last about ten days before a new cell is installed. Installing a cell is only a two hour process, which is safe and efficient."

Brutacus stood up "So what happens if the cell breaks in the chamber?"

The enginseer paused for a moment, trying to think of an answer.

"Well, the cell uses a adamantium caseing, so I highly doubt that it will break."

"What happens if the generator overloads?" Brutacus asked again, annoying the crowd with his skepticism.

"That is the only difficulty here. If the core overloads, it could, in theory, cause an unstable rift to the warp. But through out testing and simulating, the chances of overloading are miniscule and the warp rift almost nothing."

There. There was their chance to get back into the warp, rather than bullshitting around to get a ship, they will simply create a warp gate here. Brutacus walked up onto the podium and took a look at the central controls. Literally dotted with thousands of buttons and controls, he knew there was only one way to overload the generator core.

"WHAT IN THE EMPEROR'S NAME ARE YOU DOING?!" Screamed an inquisitor in the audience.

"Trying to get back to the warp. Duh..." Brutacus said as he pulled out a bottle of brandy.

He twisted the lid off and poured the alcohol onto the control panel. Sparks and flashes of light erupted from the circut board as the brandy distorted everything inside. The massive core began to shake the entire room. The audience stood up and panicked, some of them cursing at Brutacus and Ishtail, others trying to get the doors open. It was too late. The core exploded and a massive warp gate emerged, pouring out hundreds of demons that flooded the room. The slaughter began as some of the most important people in the Imperium fell to chaos's forces.

"Well, he we go!" Brutacus said, holding Ishtail's hand as they walked in the gate, completely ignoring the massacre they created.



The four of them sat quietly at the dinner table, eating their pot roast in silence. The entire time, Khorne was staring at Aetius, his eyes full of rage and concern for his daughter. Aetius however, even with the glaring threat of the blood god, ate his dinner quietly. He knew that if he was going to eventually be part of this family, he would need to know more about them.

"So... How did you two meet?" Aetius asked Zelda and Khorne.

Zelda smiled cheerfully "Well... it was during the War in Heaven when we we're both in high school. You see, I knew Khorne through another friend of mine, and through her we went on a blind date! It was so adorable, Khorne was so nervous, even though he was the captain of the football team at that time. And stereotypically, football captains are not nervous when it came to women, but Khorne was, which made him more lovable!"

"Yeah... I remember that first date..." Khorne said, embarrassed about his love story.

"So we dated for a couple of years and it wasn't till sophmore year in college that he proposed! It was so romantic! We were at the park on a summer night when the sun was setting near a small pond. He knelt down and spoke those magical words!" Zelda continued.

"Ahhh yes... finding that wedding ring was a pain, but it was worth it." Khrone said in a pathetic attempt to sound romantic.

"But I was suprised that you took the job of the Blood God in our early years."

"What do you mean by that?" Khorne said surprised.

"Well... I think, financially, you should of taken the job at the engineering firm like my mother suggested." Zelda said.

"Phhhfff... Advice from your mom... bout as good as getting advice on health care from Nurgle." Khorne said sarcastically.

"Uggghhh, here we go again..." sighed Zelda.

"What?! Your mom is a terrible person!"

"How dare you! How dare you say that at the dinner table! If it wasn't for her, we wouldn't have this place!"

"How dare you mumble mumble mumble!" Khorne said mockingly.

"YOU BASTARD! I cant believe your acting like this! You are so selfish! You know, my mother was right about you and how rude you were to everyone!"

"Oh, here we go again! Im the evil one who does nothing in this house hold! I am a lazy ass who deserves nothing!"

Zelda was enraged "YOU UNGRATEFUL PIG!"

"SHUT YOU DAM MOUTH WOMEN!"

"YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN A DIRTY LITTLE PRICK!"

"YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN A WALKING VAGINA WITH TEETH!"

The argument between Khorne and Zelda escalated beyond mortal comprehension. To make matters worse, some how, Vicky was brought into the conversation.

"DAD! YOUR A FUCKING DOUCHE!!! YOU NEVER CAME TO MY SOCCER GAMES AS A KID AND YOU DID NOTHING WITH ME EVEN THEN!!!" Vicky roared.

"WELL THEN, WHO PAID FOR HIGHSCHOOL?! ME! WHO PAID FOR COLLEGE?! ME!!! AND WHAT DO I GET IN A RETURN? NOTHING BUT DEBT!!" Khrone snarled.

The argument errupted even more. Aetius just sat there quietly, not even going to attempt to settle this quarrel, lest his soul should be dammed.

"FUCK YOU GUYS! ME AND AETIUS ARE GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!" 

Screamed Vicky as she grabbed Aetius's hand and yanked him out the door.



"Wow... that was... an... an interesting dinner" Aetius said after ten minutes of their silent walk.

"Im sorry about that... happens at every dinner." Vicky apologized.

"I feel bad about this... I mean, you parents seemed not to like each other"

"Dont worry... they'll just kiss and make up later with angry sex, then it will look like nothing ever happend."

Both of them sat down on a near by ledge, looking over the rock barren feilds of pain and death. Vicky snuggled into Aetius's arms as they both watched the forces of Tzeetch and Nurgle duke it out below.

"Vicky... I know this is incrediably cheesy... but... I love you" Aetius quietly said.

A silence accured before Vicky replied.

"I love you too."


----------



## arturslv

This... this was the most grimd'awwww chapter you have dreamed up man... AND I LOVE IT!!!


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

If you think this is epic, wait till the next project I will under take. If you want to know, just PM and I will tell... Hint: Its all 'bout teh orks.


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## ThatOtherGuy

Chapter 18 has copy right problems.


The familar sight of swirling crackling skies of discord and mayhem greeted Brutacus and Ishtail as they entered into the warp. However, to their dismay, they landed nowhere close to Khrone's domain, the suspected area that Aetius could be in. Instead, the stood at the edge of the domain of insanity and change: the Kingdom of Tzeetch. Rather than blasting furnaces of fire and blood, they looked upon a world of ever changing colors and never immobile objects.

"Finally, a place where you can experience an acid trip without taking drugs..." Brutacus joked with Ishtail.

Brutacus turned around, telling Ishtail that they needed to go into the opposite direction for Khorne's lair. Instead, Ishtail resented.

"No! I want to explore the color castle!" She demanded.

"Oh great... Let me put this into simple terms: Tzeetch's fortress is not a McDonald's Play area. Therefore, for you, its no fun."

"Awwww comon! Please!" She said oh so adorably.

"No..." Brutacus said, keeping his cool.

Little be known to Brutacus, Ishtail found his weak spot when it comes to arguments. She pulled out from her side pocket a small glass vial with a clear liquid inside.

"I'll give you this if we go in!" She bribed.

"What... What... What is it?"

"A Vodka shot!"

"DEAL!" Brutacus yelled, snatching the vial.

"Just as planned..." Ishtail whispered as she watched the knight chug the small shot. 

The both wandered into the fortress of Impossiblilty. Every wall, ever floor and every corner, changed constantly with color and shape. Doors opened and closed. Walls appeared and dissapeared. Even entire corridors changed direction half way through. With all of this madness about, the two went along without a problem. Half way down what seemed to be a stable hall way, the two spotted two shadowy shapes in the distance. The morphing shadows moved closer and closer to them, gibbering and blabbering a strange and odd language of insanity. When in clear view, Brutacus and Ishtail saw that these two ever changing shadows were Tzeetch's most numerous servants: Horrors. The mutating duo of madness approached Brutacus and Ishtail with insane delight. While Brutacus stood fast incase of any potential danger, Ishtail thought the opposite.

"HUGGIE TIME!!!" She screamed with delight.

Ishtail rushed onto the two horrors, who threw balls of fire and other various spells of destruction at her. But miracuosly, she dodged them all and closed in on them. She lunged on one of them and squeezed the morphing demon with love. At first the creature resented the affection of the child, but soon soften it's heart and hugged her back. 

"Awwwww you two are so squishy! I love squishy friends!"

The two monsters loved her back in a cuddly manner.

"Fucking shit... how the fuck do you have the ability to make things so over the top lovey dovey? Stupid child..." Brutacus mutterd baffled.

Ishtail gasped in excitment as a new idea popped into her head.

"Lets to finger painting!!"

She let go of the two horrors and moved to the center of the hall. The two demons followed with joy, as they summoned a large piece of paper and various paints. The three of them began painting various paintings on the paper with their fingers, all squealing in joy. Brutacus however, overwhelmed with this childish cheesiness, sat on the ground, waiting for them to be done.

"How does this look!" She asked Brutacus.

Ishtail held up her picture.

"Holy fuck... looks like that fucking Mona Lisa thing made by that old fart."

Time continued to slowly pass as Ishtail and the two horrors continued their fun until Brutacus had enough. He stood up and grabbed the two horrors.

"Okay, finger shitting is over! Off you go Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum!" As he threw both demons into a door, which than closed for all of eternity. "lets move on."

So they moved on down the hall. But the problem was that the hall wasn't the same. The doors changed, the corridor moved, everything was not the same. It truly changed into something almost unrecognizable.

"Great, how do we get out of here?..."

"THAT DOOR!!"

Ishtail rushed over to a small door and bursted through, with Brutacus behind. What they stumbled upon was a sight to be hold. They looked upon rows upon rows of massive shelves of books, all in various sizes and colors. The colosol library extended to what seemed to be eternity in both directions opposite of each other. But without thought, the two moved down the grand hall, awing and staring as they went. It wasn't till they reached the end that they saw a spectacular and horrorfying sight. Twelve great Lords of Change stood by a well of ornate decoration, scribeling down words and phrases that came from the Lord of Change in the middle, a two headed demon of great age.

"What are two mortals like you doing here!" Said a voice behind them.

Brutacus and Ishtail turned around to see another Lord of Change in a rather suprised way.

"Whatever your reason you may be here, your presence is not welcomed!" Said the demon with great anger.

The massive demon sorceror raised his hand, energy crackling in his palm, ready to smite them both. But before this could be done, a voice stopped the demon.

"Back down Irradius'kasha, I have forseen their arrival and have planned them to come."

The great Lord of Change backed down, sparing Brutacus and Ishtail from a ugly death.

"I am quiet suprised that you two made it this far, but yet, I forsaw it."

A mysterious figure emerged from a veil of fog behind the well, walking slowly towards them as his servents bowed to him. Ishtail could sense it. It was the Great Sorceror, the Master of Puppets, the Architec of Lies, it was Tzeetch.

"What do you want from us Tzeetch?" Asked Brutacus.

"Oh nothing... In fact, I want to show you something... Follow me." The mystic master beckoned.

The shrouded figure guided them to his personal chamber behind the well. With all of them in his throne room, he closed the doors and removed his mysterious veil of fog. His true figure was a suprise to them.

"Dan Abnett is... is Tzeetch?" Brutacus gasped in suprise.

"Who else did you think it would be?! No creature or god would be able to come up with schemes and plans that even come close to mine! You see, I am the Master of Puppets here!" Dan Abnett laughed.

"Why did you bring us here then?" Ishtail asked.

"Why did I bring you two here? To show you my final work that will change the universe forever before I destroy you all! Ahhhh yes.... it will be so much fun to see the look on your faces after this!"

Dan walked over to his desk and whipped out a big thick pile of binded paper, containing over hundreds and hundreds of pages.

"DO YOU SEE THIS!? DO YOU SEE THIS!?" He yelled with a insane smile on his face.

Brutacus and Ishtail stood in fear as to what he wrote in this book.

"Well then... this book will re-write all of history! Literally! Here are a few examples! First, the Emperor will no longer be a man... but a woman! Here's another one! The Primarchs will all be mexicans! Humans can breed with Eldar! The Tau would actually be popular with non-anime freaks! Demons of the warp are friendly! The massive Tyranid Hive fleet that has yet to arrive will actually exist! The old ones wont be an anphibious race, but a feline race! There will be several female space marine chapters! Orks will have proper english! DO YOU SEE IT! THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN PLANING AND PLOTING FOR ALL OF THIS TIME!!! MWAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!"

Brutacus and Ishtail knew in the first place that Dan Abnett was kinda of a crazy person, but this was beyond insane.

"THIS WILL ALL COME TO PASS AS SOON AS THIS IS PUBLISHED!!!! AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!"

"Your insane! This is more diabolical and stupid than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!" Brutacus yelled in fear. "You can't be serious!"

"But I am!" Abnett laughed.

The two of them stood their in fear as the maniac god indulged himself in his pride of this scheme. 

"Shit... we need to stop this" Brutacus whispered to Ishtail.

"I know how!" Ishtail said.

She sneaked around Dan during another one of his cliche laughs, ever stepping so lightly. Right behind him, she snatched the script out of his hand and sprinted towards the door.

"HOW DARE YOU MORTAL!!!" Dan screamed in rage.

He chased after her, but was stopped by Brutacus. Shoved onto the ground, Brutacus began wailing on him, bashing his face into the wall. Within a blink of an eye, Dan vanished.

"DID YOU THINK YOU COULD STOP ME?!" Dan boomed as he showed his invincibility.

The great writer turned around to look for Ishtail, ready to blow her apart into oblivion. But he looked upon with fear as he saw her, holding the binding of paper in one hand, and a industrial strength paper shredder in the other.

"NO!! YOU CANNOT STOP ME!!! THIS BOOK MUST COME TO PASS!!! YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW RICH I WILL BE!!! ALL OF THOSE WARHAMMER 40K PLAYERS WILL BUY THIS WITHOUT QUESTION!! DONT DO IT!!"

Too late. Ishtail dropped the book into the industrial strength shredder. Dan watched in horror as his book, something that took millions of years to write, was turned into pulp.

"YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS!!! YOU SHALL ALL PAY!!!" Dan screamed with the room shaking.

Brutacus and Ishtail ran out of the grand library, doging all sorts of magics and spells thrown by the inferiated man-child. For some strange reason, the next door they took led them outside the fortress, outside the grasp of Dan Abnett.



Aetius and Vicky sat there on the ledge looking over the warp.

"Hey Vicky..." Aetius said quietly.

"Yeah?..." Vicky said smoothly.

Aetius pointed with his eyes over to a sleeping Great Unclean One in the distance. He gave her a smile that could only be one thing.

"You wanna do it on him?"

Vicky at first was confused as to what Aetius was talking about. But soon she caught on as Aetius started touching her in a provocative way.

"Of course" she said in a seductive manner "Lets do it like no tomorrow."



The massive bloated demon yawned from his amazing nap.

"Hmmmm... that was one good nap... man, beats the hell out of sleeping on that rotten bed at home" said the demon satisfied.

He tried to get up, but he felt a weight that was keeping him down. The greater demon looked on his stomach to see Aetius and Vicky... uncovered.

"What... WHAT!!! Did you guys just make love on my stomach?!" The demon said disgusted.

Vicky turned her head to him and nodded with a wide grin on her face.

"OH that is just sick and foul! Seriously?! You guys just banged on my stomach while I was sleeping?! Oh god this is just foul! Get off Get off!"

The two jumped off and clothed themselves. In the meantime, the demon was spraying himself with Febreez and anit-baterial cream.

"That is just putried and perverted. Fuck you two! Fuck you!" The demon waddled off in anger and humiliation.

"Mabey next time we should do it infront of those mormon demonettes." Aetius snickered.

"I bet they faint."


----------



## arturslv

AHAHAHAAAAAHAHAAAHHH! OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, MAN! A DAEMON OF NURGLE THAT LIKE CLEANLINESSS!!! Oh, truly, you have outdone yourself!


----------



## Kale Hellas

this just simply gets better and better


----------



## lordjerry777

this is by far the single most awsomely amazing thing ever created by the hand of mortal or god.
:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

Chapter 19... Return of the Inquisition

It was a wonderful night for the both of them, a night that they would never forget.... well, if you can call it a night in the warp. Aetius and Vicky walked hand in hand back to the massive fortress of Khorne, promising to keep the night of love a secret. The fortress was in sight, but they stopped as someone called their attention.

"There you are ******!"

Both of them turned around to see Brutacus and Ishtail coming right behind them. Aetius sighed as he now once again has to go back to reality. A very stupid reality.

"We thought you killed by those angsty berserkers!" Brutacus laughed.

Ishtail ran up to Aetius and hugged him joy.

"YOUS ALIVE!!" She cried.

"Its great to see you too again." Aetius said, accepting that his small time of true happiness is over.

Both of them embraced Aetius with the relief that he was alive and well, removing the guilt that it was their fault that he died. This continued on for a moment until Ishtail noticed Vicky. Curious about Aetius's girlfriend, she bounced over to her with cheerful smile and playful attitude.

"And who are you?" She asked sweetly.

"I'm... I'm Vicky. And whats your name?"

"Ishtail! Do you want to play hide and seek?"

At first Vicky was completely baffeled about this child's friendliness, seeing that she had no sense of fear of strangers. But rather than decapitating her with a hellblade, she complied with the same enthusiasm. They both ran off to the remains of a skirmish between Tzeetch and Nurgle, hiding and finding each other in the feild of corpses. Brutacus on the other hand, leaned over to Aetius.

"So... hows it with you and Vicky" He said with a immature curiosity.

"Ahh... I love it. I mean, to be honest with you... I... I dont want to go back."

Brutacus stood there suprised at this answer. 

"What?"

"Yeah, I mean, the Imperium is fine at times, but down here... I have her, a place I could stay and no one judges me around here... well, for the most part. But you see, Im quite happy here! I have the love of my life and thats all I need!" Aetius said.

Brutacus replied in silence. Aetius's response defeated his whole purpose of comming down here to bring him back to the materium. In one sense he wanted to bash Aetius for his cheesy cliche answer of not returning, but on the other hand, he wanted to respect his decision. For all his life, Aetius had been living in the dirt, but now that he has found a place where he belongs, Brutacus couldn't really bring himself to argue against that. However, Brutacus found one thing that required Aetius to leave the warp.

"You know what? I can see how happy you are down here, but do you remember why we met?"

Aetius paused for a moment. "I honestly... cant... remember."

"We met because you wanted Ishtail back a reasonable home. Now then, I am very proud of you that you have found a place to call home, but wouldn't it be selfish to leave Ishtail behind, homeless and scared? I would, in fact, I would call it cowardly. So how about this: We leave for one last time, just to return her home, and then you can spend the rest of eternity here with Vicky and live happily ever after. Deal?"

The memories of first meeting Ishtail came back to him. He remember that he promised her that he will find a place in the galaxy that treated her right. He figured that if he failed to upkeep his promise, he would be nothing short than a liar.

"Deal. We will find her a home." Aetius concluded.

"Thats a good man." Brutacus said proudly.

Aetius walked off to talk to Vicky about his last leave. While he was gone, Brutacus smiled to himself in victory. It worked. He knew that the only way to convice Aetius to leave was with the guilt trip tactic. He didn't come all the way down here for nothing, and the last thing he wanted to hear is that Aetius didn't want to leave. But he conviced him, and that only mattered. Sure he wanted to be somewhat nice to give Ishtail a home, but to have gone all the way here for nothing? That he would not take, for time wasted is time not drinking. Aetius returned with Ishtail, ready to leave once more. He looked over to see Vicky waving good bye as they headed out into a warp rift.




Once again, they crossed the thresh hold back into the materium. Instead of returning into a deslote, chaos infested area, they arrived a place that Brutacus and Ishtail have been in recently. They looked all over the massive mechanical room seeing chairs thrown aside, damaged electronics, a imploded reactore core and corspes of what looked like to be an audience.

"Leme guess" Aetius said, seeing the suprised looked on Ishtail and Brutacus "you guys caused this."

"It was an accident!" Brutacus replied instantly.

The three of them waded down the podium onto the main floor, carefull stepping over the dead bodies.

"Im predicting that this was the way you guys got into the warp, correct?" Aetius asked, knowing it was a stupid question. 

"Yep!" Ishtail said proudly.

"Is there not one place that you guys can go without causing destruction on unprecidented leves?"

They finnally reached the door after climbing over the carnage. With some effort, they pushed open the door, only to be greeted by the sound of hundreds of bolters cocked back.

"Hmmm. At least this time were greeted by humans." Aetius sarcastically said as he looked upon the crowed of hundreds of Adaptes Sororitas, all aiming their bolters at them.

They all stood their, ready to fire upon them without question. Aetius tried to think of a way to talk out of this situation, but Brutacus leaned over to him. 

"Dont worry, I got this." Brutacus whispered.

He slowly stood out, hands in the air. The sisters immediately held up their bolters to eye level, ready to blast him away at any sudden movements.

"I have a question for all of you sisters!"

The sisters gave looks of suspicion, but in the act of curiosity, allowed him to ask.

"Team Edward, or team Jacob?"

"hhpptttt. Thats easy! Obviously Edward." Said one of the sisters, followed by the agreement from half of the other sisters.

"What are you talking about Sister Celin? Its all about Jacob! Edward is a pasty little bitch!" Rebuttled the sister next to her, followed by the other sisters in agreement.

"I prefer the pasty little bitch over the furry ****** with the sprayed on abs!"

"I prefer a furry over necrophilia!"

"You stupid cunt!"

The two sisters began to fight over who's choice is better. The butter fly effect soon caught hold of the crowd as the sisters teamed up against each other to prove that their favorite character was better. Brutacus walked back to Aetius, snickering about his diversion.

"Those stupid virgins... fighting over stupid Twilight characters."

With the sisters distracted in their escalating argument, the three of them sneaked around, trying to get out of their sight. They began to head over to the space port, hopefully getting off of this forge world before the adaptus sororitas realized they escaped. Almost to the loading dock, there plan of escape was foiled by a booming voice.

"SO! We meet again!" Laughed a large figure behind them.

The three of them turned to see the their favorite inquisitor: Tyrus.

"You three caused this demonic outbreak didn't you?!" He stated, pointing his finger at them.

Ishtail and Aetius without thought stepped to the side and pointed at Brutacus, diverting the blame to him.

"Fucking hate you guys" he muttered.

"So it was you who caused this outbreak! I KNEW IT! You are a pathetic excuse for a grey knight, thats what you are! You do not know how much damage you did to this planet, did you!?" Tyrus yelled in anger mixed with victory.

"Nope... I do not know how much damage I did... and I really dont care."

Tryus's face turned red, full of anger because of this apathy.

"You leave me with no choice! ARREAST HIM!"

Two guards walked up and hand cuffed Brutacus, dragging him back to Tyrus's personal ship for prosecution at the Inquisition's Imperial Court.

"You two are free to go, for I cannot see a guardsmen of low status and a small suspicious but adorable child causing so much damage" Tyrus laughed.

He walked off, leaving Aetius and Ishtail. They watched Bruatcus forced onto the ship, yelling that he pleads to the fith. They watched in pity as the Inquisition ship blasted off into orbit, holding their drunken friend who faces his death.

"Do you think we should get him?" Ishtail asked.

"Well... He saved my ass plenty of times... might as well save his for once." Aetius sighed.

"YEAAAA!!!! THE PLOT CONTINUES!!!!"


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

Chapter 20 tastes like bacon

Brutacus sat there on the stand, looking at the jury and the audience in the gallery. He sat their with unflitching courage and apathy. He analyzed the jury, entirely made up by Inquisitors of the ordo hereticus, something that was not in his favor. A judge walked into the room and sat on his seat, with papers in hand and a power mallet in the other.

"This trial is Inquisitor Tyrus vs. Brutacus the Exiled. Charges are based on descration, insulting the Emperor's name, permiscuity with a xeno, armed robbery of liquor stores, dishonoring the Grey Knight's honor code, lewd conflict in public, spawing the 'Rick Rolling' internet meme, hate crimes, public nudity and various other infactions. How do you plead?" The judge said to Bruatcus.

"Innocent... Duh."

"In that case, the trial shall begin. Up first is Tyrus in prosectuiton." The judge announced.

Tryus walked up with a large grin on his face, staring at Brutacus insuring that he is guilty and will be exposed of it.

"Now then" Tryus tunred towards the gallery "With the charges described, I am sure that Bruatcus is guilty of such horrendous acts and deserves death! There is no question to what this man has done to the Imperium! He has set such a horrible example to the Imperial Guard, Adaptus Astares and the Grey Knights that he must be put to death! But how do I prove that he is guilty for such a punishment? Well, here is a picture taken by the security camera stationed outside of the Adaptus Sororitas."

Tryus showed the picture to Brutacus and then handed it to the jury. The picture showed Brutacus running around the Sororitas convenant naked with booze in one hand and a chainsword in the other, chasing the canoness around the alter.

"Do you think that is enough to charge him? Well, if that does not convince you, here is another picture of him with other conduct of heretical blasphemy!"

Another pictured was passed around in the jury. This one showed Brutacus urniating on the Grand Master's tomb.

"Do you think thats it?" Tryus said with a smirk on his face "Well, if thats not enough to convince you, here is footage of him at the hive city of Armaggeddon."

A servitor rolled out a tv and played the footage caught on camera. It showed Bruatucs holding up a school bus full of children with a plasma cannon in one hand, demanding that he gets free alcohol in return for the children. The crowed gasped in horror for what this supposed to be honorable warrior has done.

"Here is my last piece of evidence of this horrible monster!"

Tryus put in another tape. This time it showed Brutacus pulling down Saint Celestian's top down in public, being hammerd of course. The female inquisitors in the jury looked at each other in disgust, while the males sat quietly, thinking that it was the best footage ever.

"If all of this evidence cant convince you that this man needs to be purged, then you must be blind and deaf!" Tryus concluded.

Brutacus sat their, rolling his eyes in all of the footage and pictures.

"Well, do you have anything to say Brutacus? Because it says here that you are defending yourself in this court." Asked the judge.

"Yeah... All of this evidence is bull shit." Bruatcus rebutted.

"How is it so?! These are all professional documents and footage, how is it fake?!" Tryus yelled.

"Look, these two pictures are obviously photo-shopped. And those two videos? It was all CGI. It was all fake! Your just trying to set me up because I stole your ship!"

The crowed gasped. Tryus smiled as Brutacus slipped out one crime that he did do.

"Shit... mabey I shouldn't have said that..." 

"Well, on all convicted charges, we can only prove that Brutacus has done one. Guilty on first degree robbery!" The judge declared.



"So apparetly this is the planet where Brutacus was taken Ishtail... now all we need to do is find where he is..."

Aetius and Istail wondered the streets of the massive court panet. The majority of the buildings and facitlites that dotted the city were either Inquisitor offices or Courts belonging to the Adeptus Arbites. Very few of the buildings were of any civillian use, for most of the population were either criminals being prosecuted or members of the ordos. Still, there was breathing room for the non-convicted civillian. Aetius walked around, trying to find a place which can give out worthy directions to any of the offices of Tyrus.

"Ok, so I think the main administration building is down the corner to the south... Ishtail?"

Aetius looked around to find that Ishtail was missing. He walked down the block and back up again with no luck on finding her. With people every where, he started to panic. When he though all hope was lost, he finally found her next to a building down the street. She had her hands pressed against the glass looking inside at something. Aetius caught up to her, only to see her gaze into a grocery store. But it wasn't the food that she was looking at, it was the bacon. There it was, a whole stand of fresh apple wood smoked bacon on sale, tempting Ishtail.

"Look Ishtail, I like bacon too, but we need to find Brutacus."

"NO!" She protested "I want the bacon!..."

"First off, I dont have any money, second, where are going to store the bacon, and more importantly, how are we going to cook it?" Aetius joked.

That did not stop Ishtail from achieveing her goal of having some divine bacon. Her mind raced around the divine meat like it was a personal addiction. She looked over to see an inquisitor standing next to her. She scanned the massive figure of authority, finding something that can hopefully achieve her desire of the precious bacon, for she was desperate beyond Aetius's comprehension. There on the inquisitor's belt was a storm bolter, her desired tool for victory. She grabbed the gun and rushed into the store. She jumped up onto one of the cash registers, pointing the gun at all of the shoppers.

"GIMMIE ALL OF YOUR BACON!" She ordered.

Aetius ran in, trying to calm her down, but she wouldn't listen.

"I WANT THE BACON NOW!" She commanded, sending the entire store into fear.

With the barrels of the gun, she pointed to a store clerk to empty all of the bacon into a bag. She watched and looked around the room, seeing if anyone was going to try to play the hero. The bacon filled bag was thrown to her, containing every once of deliecious meat that the store had to offer.

"Ishtail, calm down! You are blowing this out of proportion!" Aetius once again cried.

Sounds of the law were blarring outside as both inquisitors and the police stood outside, ready to storm the store.

"Little child! Put down the storm bolter and drop the cash! If you cooperate we can change the penelty to death to a work camp!" Said the senior officer through a loud speaker.

"THIS IS NOT CASH!! THIS IS BACON!!" She screamed back.

The officers began to murmur.

"Shit, she has all of the bacon! What do we do sir?"

The senior officer thought quietly, seeing that this situation changed from mediocre to insanely critical. He picked up the loud speaker again.

"Little girl. If you return the bacon, we can change the penelty from a labor camp to a good old fashion spanking!"

"NO YOU PERVERT!!!"

She jumped off the counter and rushed out the back door, Aetius following behind. The police force chased after them, giving in no distance to losing their precious bacon. Dashing through the allies and over the roof tops, Ishtail provided an action packed chase for the law. It wasn't long before both of them were cornered on the roof. The police force surrounded them, guns pointed, ready to fire at any moment.

"Ok little girl, put down the bacon and we will spare your life." An officer said.

"NO!!" She protested again.

She held the bag over the edge of the building. There, the bag dangled over a swampy sewer system below, capable of rotting the precious meat.

"IF I CANT HAVE IT, NO ONE CAN!!" Ishtail screamed as she let go of the bag.

The officers looked in shock as the bag fell into the sewers, forever ruined by the filth and sludge of the underworld.

"You are under arrested for armed robbery!"

The head officer pulled out two cuffs, ready to send them to a eternity in jail. Aetius had to think quickly to get out of this one... as usual.

"Look! A chaos cultist!" He pointed in the opposite direction.

All of them turned around, but found nothing of any sort of description. When they looked back, Aetius and Ishtail were gone.

"Wow... We totally just fell for that didn't we?"


----------



## Ultra111

fuckign awesome. No more can be said.


----------



## arturslv

Oh, crap, man, I almost pissed myself from laughing! This is unquestionably the best story I have EVER read!


----------



## shaantitus

I cannot believe you grossed out a great unclean one. Wicked funny. Have some rep.(As soon as i can)


----------



## lordjerry777

arturslv said:


> Oh, crap, man, I almost pissed myself from laughing! This is unquestionably the best story I have EVER read!


almost no not me i'm an overachiever

but this is the single most funny thing ever created, i must have more.

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

Chapter 21 has the most awesome character of all time


"Hmmm... at least I get to die in a awesome way..."

Brutacus was tied to the steel pole, unable to move at all. Tyrus decided that his form of execution will be simple and old school: burned at the stake. Thousands of spectators surrounded the stage, all eagerly waiting for the inferno to begin, calling Brutacus a heretic and a traitor. Rather than freaking out, Brutacus stood there without any worry. The crowd suddenly fell silent as Tryus walked up on the stage, holding a torch in his hand.

"I am so sorry that this galaxy if filled with such heresy" Tyrus yelled "but do not fear, for today we have one less blasphemer in our empire!"

The crowd roared in agreement. The cursing and insults were even more nasty this time as Tyrus lifted the torch.

"You know what? I am going to make this fun! Brutacus, do you have any last words?" Tryus grinned.

Brutacus though for a moment before he spoke "Yeah, I do have some last words. HEY LOOK, AN EAGLE!"

The crowd turned their heads towards the sky, trying to spot the bird. While the crowd wasn't looking at him, Brutacus spat on the torch, extinguishing it. Tyrus flew into rage.

"Dammit! Do you know how hard it is to get a tourch in this technologically advance society?! Uhhggg, i'll be right back."

Tyrus stormed off the stage in search for another torch, disappointing the crowd to wait longer. Mean while, Aetius and Ishtail finally found Brutacus, but to their horror he was about to be executed. They tried to push through the crowd, attempting to reach the stage. But with so many people, they couldn't move an inch. They tried to go around the crowd, but the entire stage was surrounded. Their friend was doomed.

"Brutacus! Brutacus!" Aetius screamed as he try to catch his attention.

"Oh, whats up home boy!" Brutacus yelled back.

"Wait a minute... are you chained up?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Couldn't you just break those chains with your superhuman strength?"

"How about you try breaking adamantium chains, mr. strongman!?"

Aetius did not know what to do. He was hopeless in this situation. Ishtail tried to sneak through the crowd to get on stage, but was pushed back instead. Tyrus returned with another torch, this time prepared if their was another attempt to put it out.

"THAT IS ENOUGH! YOU SHALL BURN HERETIC!"

Tryus threw the tourch onto the bunble of hay and wood. But before the torch even began to light the fuel, the flames went out.

"By the Emperor, what is this?!" Tryus screamed in frustration.

"Tyrus, you are charged with genocide on false causes, you are under arrest."

Tyrus turned to look upon a old man, that old man that has appeared many times in this story.

"What ya know, the old man is back in the nick of time!" Brutacus rolled his eyes.

"You dont have the authority to charge me! I am an Inquisitor and you are a pathetic citizen!" Tyrus said, pointing his power claw at him.

The old man did not budge, but instead, reached around his face like he was pulling off a mask. With a blink of an eye, the old man ripped off his artificial skin, showing everyone that it was a suit. The crowed gasped in shock.

"By the Emperor..." Tryus said gasped. "Obi Wan Sherlock Clouseau!"

The grand inquisitor stood infront of him in his skin tight power armor. He showed the crowed with his stern face that he ment business.

"I command you to unitre that drunken heathen! It should be you on that stand you heretical traitor!" Obi Wan accused Tyrus.

Several guardsmen untied Bruatcus and replaced him with Tyrus, demanding that he should be released and that this was all a misunderstanding. The guardmen ignored his plea and tied him up. The crowd yelled at him, calling him a traitor and heretic, a ironic situation for him to be in. The torch was dropped and the fire burned. That was the end of Tyrus.




Aetius and Ishtail watched Brutacus and Obi Wan walk down from the stand, moving through the crowd as it was dispersing.

"Yeah! Bruty is okay!" Ishtail said as she hugged his leg.

"You are dam lucky that the greatest inquisitor of all time saved you." Aetius said astonished by this intervention.

"Thats okay. I tracked Brutacus because off all of the people in the galaxy to attract Tyrus's attention, Brutacus is the best. And through your drunken friend, I have found the traitor that I have been searching for. You take care mortals!" Obi wan said proudly.

"Umm, sir, where you going now?" Ishtail asked.

"Where ever the Imperium needs me! I am off now to stop the Tyranid hive fleet! Up Up and away!"

The three of them watched as Obi wan stuck his hands forward and flew off into the sky, dissapearing behind the clouds.

"Wow, the greatest inquisitor of all time just saved us all... now then, lets get us another ship so we can FINALLY make some progress to that exodite world." Aetius said.

The next day and skipping alot of events that lead up to them getting a ship, they headed off towards the exodite planet. Ishtail was asleep in the back room, while Aetius and Brutacus were sitting in the main control room drinking beer.



"Dam this has been a long and painful journey... just to get to one fucking planet." Bruatcus said followed by a belch.

"Yeah... I've noticed that too. I mean, we pretty much ran into everyone in the galaxy." Aetius realized.

"Yeah, lets see... We ran into the eldar, the necrons, chaos space marines, the orks, the inquisition, the space marines, the sisters of battle, the dark eldar... and thats about it."

Brutacus stared up at the ceiling, but as he returned his eyes towards ground level, something caught his eye. He moved up and walked over the tabel across from them.

"What do we have here?..." Brutacus muttered as he picked up the curious little brown bag.

"What are you looking at?" Aetius nervously asked.

Brutacus pulled out a small black box with a symbol of a golden crown on it. He opened the lid to see nothing but a beautiful ring.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me..."

Aetius rushed over and snatched the box away from him, closing the lid and hiding it in one of his pouches.

"That was personal!" Aetius said.

"No... No... NO NO NO!!" Bruatucs yelled.

"Whats the matter?"

"GOD DAM THIS IS SO CLICHE! YOUR GOING TO PROPOSE TO HER RIGHT?!" Brutacus yelled at him in embarrassment.

"Yeah... whats so bad about that?" Aetius quietly said.

"Whats so bad? WHATS SO BAD?! Its totally cheesy! God dam this story is so fucking predictable! I swear, if this ends in some sort of happy ending shit, I will kill every first born on a craft world!"

"Dude calm down... besides, hows this story predictable?"

"I bet within the next five minutes the Tau are going to board our ship! If that happens, Im going to kill who ever is writing this shit!"

After those words the ship shook violently. A large clang was heard as if something hit the side of their ship. Aetius looked outside one of the windows to see a tan and blue bording bridge attached to their hull.

"Well, I think you are right Brutacus..."

Brutacus stormed over to see this for himself.

"GOD DAM SPACE WEEABOOS!"


----------



## arturslv

*strains to hold his laughter back* hrr... hrrnk-k-k-k... WHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAH!


----------



## Ultra111

I swear a few pages back you said you were finishing this, but I'm so glad you're not!
Truly epic mate. Must be the only story on this website that I have actually read all the way through lol have some +maxrep!

EDIT - I gotta spread some rep first, god i hate this rep system...


----------



## Kale Hellas

i love this story it is awesome in every way


----------



## lordjerry777

you should have your own channel called "the crapy channel"
it could have things like "my crapy story" and "my crapy odyssey"


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

When this story ends (it will), I will post on what works I will do in the future.


----------



## Initiate

Hardly crappy, its hilarious as hell.

One piece of advice is to avoid F-bombs in fan fiction. Try the myriad of alternatives, ie frak, feth etc.

Can't wait to read more!


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

This chapter is kinda short, meaning I had a short time to write this up.

Chapter 22... for the greater weaboo!



"You know... It seems like every time we are almost to our destination, some dumbass race boards our ship and decides to either kill us, enslave us or in this case... make us communists" remarked Aetius.

"Well, I'm not going to let some communist weaboo ******* take over this ship!" Brutacus said.

"Wait a minute... since when did this ship have any value to you?" Aetius asked surprised.

"Just look in the back dumbass."

Aetius peered into the back room. The place was a dump. The couch was torn up, the floor covered in beer bottles, stains were all over the walls and several porn magazines laying on the tv set.

"Wow, in three days you turned a reasonable area into a garbage dump... You never cease to amaze me Brutacus."

"Dam straight! It’s just like home!" Brutacus said proudly.

With all of the commotion, one of the back door rooms opened up, revealing a tired Ishtail.

"Whaaa... Whaaa... Whats going on?" She said, rubbing her eyes with her hands.

"Were being boarded by the ******* known as the Tau." Brutacus said pissed off.

The ship again shook as another boarding bridge was being attached to the ship's side. The sound of two massive steel plates hitting the floor echoed down the hall as the Tau finally hacked their way through. Dozens of fire warriors marched in, holding their plasma rifles in orderly fashion like they were toy soldiers. They formed two straight columns, facing each other in strict military form. The last one to step out of the boarding bridge was not the commander of the ship, but the leading general of the Tau in the area. Walking down the rows of fire warriors in his XV22 Sealth Battlesuit, the commander stopped directly in front of the three.

"Greetings! I am Shas'O Makesnosense, and I have two options for you. One, you can all join the greater weaboo... Sorry, I mean Good!.. or you can die." He threatened.

The three of them looked at each other and began to whisper. Aetius thought of making a compromise for their freedom, but Brutacus was not into negotiation. Aetius finally came up with a final solution.

"You know what? I think it will be easier for use to talk about this if I could hold my chainsword... Hold on for just a sec..." Aetius said slyly.

He turned around and started to make a loud buzzing noise, akin to a chainsword. Immediately all of the fire warriors sprinted back into the ship, screaming in fear. Shas'O Makenosense, completely afraid of close combat like his brethren, turned tail and ran back into the ship, locking the doors of the boarding bridges. Aetius and Brutacus fell to the floor laughing, for such pathetic fear of their little ploy was too much to contain inside. But to their dismay, the tau heard it was a joke and they rushed back in, this time very angry.

"How dare you mock us! You shall pay for this humiliation!" Roared Shas'O Makenosense. "Take them to the holding cells!"

The three of them, still laughing, were pulled onto the ship. After they recovered from their hysterics, they realized that they were in a prison cell.

"Well... That was fun while it lasted." Aetius said, wiping off the last tear.

But now he realized they were back again in another sticky situation. Before any of them could have a moment to share an idea to get out, Shas'O Makenosense and a few top notch fire warriors stepped in.

"We decided that you three are too good to be killed. Therefore, we are going to allow you to live under the condition of serving the Greater Good!" Shas'O Makenosense said sternly.

The three were escorted out of the cell into a dark room with three chairs and a large screen. Aetius and Brutacus sat down in the chairs, finding that the design of the seat was that of restraint, not comfort.

"We gonna see a movie? WE GONNA SEE A MOVIE!?" Ishtail asked.

"Yes small child, you are going to see a very important movie..." Shas'O Makenosense grinned.

The three were strapped down into each respective chair, with hooks and straps to insure that they pay to every detail of the movie.

"Hey guys... Im I the only one who feels like this scene was taken straightly out of the moive A Clockwork Orange?" Brutacus muttered.

"I was thinking the exact same thing as well Brutacus..."

Shas'O Makenosense hushed them all as the movie was about to begin. After the cliche numbers flashing in order than a beep, the film began with the opening title "THE GREATER GOOD AND YOU." A man walked across what seemed to be a busy tau city before he turned his head towards the camera.

"Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such indoctrination films such as "Chaos is my Master" and "Die for the Emperor". Today we are going to tell your mindless brain the universe is incomplete without the Greater Good!"

The movie went on for about four hours, boring the death out Ishtail. It was so monotone and plot less that Ishtail began to cry. Finally, when life seemed to end, the movie was over. The three of them were unhooked and dragged out of the theater, dead tired and exhausted. The fire warriors and Shas'O Makenosense greeted them with open arms as if they were brothers.

"Now you understand the greatness of the Greater Good! Are you now willing to serve?" Said Shas'O Makenosense.

Brutacus looked at Shas'O Makenosense coldly.

"OVER POWERED SPACE MARINE PUNCH!"

Withing a fraction of a second, Brutacus punched Shas'O Makenosense in the face, sending him reeling through several walls. The fire warriors fought back, but Brutacus and Aetius proved to be too strong against their weak combat skill. Even Ishtail held her own against several fire warriors by using the infamous falcon punch.

"Man... if there is one thing that the Tau suck at is their hand to hand combat!" Aetius joked.

They fought their way back to the ship, dealing combo moves and action movie style fighting techniques to the tau, obvious rip off from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. When they were in the clear, they threw on full throttle and disappeared from the Tau radar.


----------



## arturslv

...

heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh...


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

Chapter 23 squeals like a pig


"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are we there yet?"

"NO!"

"Are we there yet?"

"FOR THE LAST TIME NO!"

"Geez... you don’t have to get so mad." Ishtail said, brushing off Aetius's anger.

There was a moment of silence as Ishtail stared at Aetius with a large grin on her face. Aetius looked back, sensing the inevitable.

"I swear if you say 'are we there yet' again, I will turn this ship around and send you off into the Eye of Terror." Aetius threatened.

Still, even with his harsh remark, Ishtail held that grin, which grew wider every second. Her face grew red as if she was trying to hold back something, something that she was better holding in. But she couldn't help herself.

"Are we there yet?" She said slowly but a large smile.

Aetius lost it.

"GOD DAMMIT WE ARE NOT THERE YET!! I WILL... Oh, wait..."

The scanner showed that they were there. This time it was for real. Aetius jumped with joy, getting out of his seat to tell Brutacus in the back room. They had made it. They had made it to the exodite world. With all of these detours, all of these interruptions and all of these obstacles, they made it. Now their journey was almost at a end. Aetius was relieved that this was almost over. Ishtail would get to have a nice home with respectable kin, Brutacus could go on his way back to drinking, and he could go back to the warp with Vicky. Everything was at a close, and Aetius was truly happy... Something that he never felt in a long time.

"Well well well... Looks like we are almost there! Time for a celebration then bitches!" Said Brutacus as he whipped out three things of ale.

Aetius and Brutacus toasted to their long journey to find Ishtail a home. But unlike them, Ishtail didn't want to have this journey end.

"Ishtail, within the next day you will be among your people, living a life of fun and happiness, just like a child should enjoy." Aetius said, completely unaware of how Ishtail felt.

"But... But... I dont want to go..." She said softly.

"What do you mean?" Aetius said surprised.

"I... I... I wana stay with you..."

"Didn't you say that you wanted to have a home with eldar who are nice to you?"

Ishtail started to tear up a bit.

"But I want to stay with you instead!"

Aetius was confused with this. Sure he had feelings and a close emotional ties with Ishtail, but he knew it would be better for her to stay with her kindred.

"Why do you want to stay with me? Your an eldar child, you’re supposed to grow up in an eldar community! Not with some human like me. I'm doing this because I love you!" He said, trying to give comfort to her.

Those words broke the dam. Ishtail broke in hysterics, lunging in Aetius's lap, hugging him while crying uncontrollably.

"NO! I DONT WANNA GO! I DONT WANNA GO!" She cried.

Aetius now knew why she didn't want to go. For all this time, he didn't realize that he was not only a friend to her, but a father to her. She had no one who cared so much for her in her life, and to let go of someone like him for the rest of her life would be too much. Just as he was about to give her some words of love and comfort, Brutacus intervened.

"Hey, I know what would make you feel better!" Brutacus said.

He grabbed Ishtail and plopped her onto the floor. He pulled out a bottle of Schnapps and gave it to her.

"Look... Usually I don’t give out a potent drink like this to anyone, but I think you should have it." Brutacus said, completely faking his politeness so she could drink it for his own amusement.

Ishtail began drinking the large bottle, slowly downing the whole bottle. While she was busy drinking her sorrows away, Aetius was beginning to descend into orbit.



With a large thud and a long hiss, the ship landed safely on the ground... destroying half of the wild life and vegetation in a quarter mile radius due to the massive engines and landing stabilizers. But putting the devastation aside, they arrived. Aetius stepped off the craft and walked onto the freshly brunt ground, taking a look at the surrounding landscape. Large trees and green fields, dotted with lakes and forests.

"Apparently a exodite city should be about four miles from here, if the coordinates are correct." Aetius said, looking at his mapquest print out. 

"Also... where’s Ishtail?"

"Oh, shes right behind us." Brutacus said, pointing over his shoulder.

Ishtail staggered out of the ship, barely holding her balance while grumbling to herself. She failed at trying to climb down the stairs, slipping on the first step followed by crashing down the rest of the jagged steps. But she got up and fumbled along.

"Ha ha! Ishtail is totally hammered!" Brutacus laughed. "Might as well watch her, men like drunken young women!"

"You’re a fucking asshole Brutacus..." Aetius said disgusted by his second comment.

"It’s sad but true dude."

The three of them hiked through the forest, slowly making their way to the city. But as they traveled deeper into the woods, the vegetation began to change dramatically. The green of the grass turned into a sick yellow, trees had large vein like vines latched on and large insect like tendrils were sticking out of the ground. The green forest slowly turned into a insect like swamp.

"Wow, the eldar know how to make shitty decisions on where to live." Brutacus commented.

The farther they went, the less recognizable vegetation there was. Finally, they reached a point where it was a pure alien landscape.

"I have a very strange feeling that this is not a forest anymore... and a feeling that we shouldn't be here." Aetius said suspiciously.

"Oh great, pansy boy over here has another hunch that our lives are in danger! Oh no! Look, just because there happens to be a large looming shadow over us that looks like the outline of a carnifex, doesn't mean that were in danger! Jeez..." Brutacus mocked. 

The three of them then just realized that the ground got awfully dark all of a sudden. Aetius turned his head and looked up to see a massive monstrous creature: a carnifex. Brutacus and Aetius backed up just to give themselves space to really see if this thing was, indeed the real deal. The carnifex dipped it's head and let out a mighty pig squeal.

"BREEEEEEEEE!!! BREEEEEEEEE!! BREEEEEEE!! BREEEEEEEE!!!!"

While Brutacus and Aetius stepped back from the foul noise, Ishtail, stuck in a drunken stupor, walked up and stood in the old fashion pop eye fighting stance.

"Want... want... want a piece of... me... meeee bitch?!" She said.

She threw a left swing at the carnifex's face, only to hurt her hand in the process against the steel like hide.

"So... So... you’re a tough guy eh? Common you piece of shit!... fight back you pussy!" She said foolishly.

The carnifex slammed the ground, throwing her back towards the other two. It let out another annoying pig squeal.

"BREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! BREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"

Aetius slung Ishtail over his shoulders as he and Brutacus darted out. Ishtail looked at the giant monster chasing them.

"Awww common... I could of beat his ass!"

"Yeah, you and every inexperienced drunk person!" Brutacus laughed.

"Arn't you a heavy drinker? I mean, thats like the pot calling the kettle black?" Aetius said.

"Hey! I am a professional alcoholic! Ishtail is not. She is a newbie at this shit!"


----------



## Kale Hellas

underage drinking always leads to stupid decisions, lol, best story ever made man seriously.


----------



## arturslv

*wipes tears from eyes* Oh, man you seriously made my day! How the hell you came up with the idea of making a 'Fex squeel like a peeeg?


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

I watched some shitty music video by a deathcore band. I found their pig squeals to be horribly annoying, but yet, when I applied it to the tyranids, I found it hilarious.


----------



## Ultra111

I get the saddening feeling this story is coming to an end "/


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

Dont worry. If it ends, I'll make some spin offs for you guys.


----------



## Ultra111

Sweet! xD

AJKFHAFHJLA10WORDMINIMUM


----------



## arturslv

...right
...yeah


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

Chapter 24... It's the end of the world as we know it.


"You know, I think it’s kinda funny how we spent all this time trying to get to a world in which everyone lives happily ever after, but instead we land in the middle of a tyranid invasion. Funny eh?" Brutacus joked.

"Just shut up and run. We need to find a way to lose this carnifex!"

The massive creature was closing the distance between them, smashing down trees and crushing through debris. They started to run faster, but even that didn't break any space. To make matters worse, they ran into a split in the clearing. One pointed off towards more woods, continuing their chase as it was before, or into terraformed swamps. If they chose the forest, the carnifex would surely catch up. If they chose the swamp, it will slow the beast down enough to escape, but it will offer other difficulties and dangers. So rather than being smashed and eaten by a monsterous creature, they chose to take chances in the swamp. They jumped into the insect like bog and traversed it as best as possible, while the carnifex squealed in rage at their escape. The farther they traveled, the harder it was to move through. Finally, they reached a spot in which there was dry ground, giving them room to stop and catch their breath.

"Well, we went from a squealing engine of destruction to inside the stomach of Michael Moore. Aetius, I congratulate you for your terrible decision." 
Brutacus sarcastically said as he clapped his hands.

"Well then, what was would be your choice?! To sit down and chugged another ale?!" Aetius yelled in frustration. "Seriously! Every time I make a decision, you complain like a little bitch!"

"HEY! I dont complain! I give out constructive criticism that usually has a mix of sarcasm! Those are two different things!"

"I... I don’t feel so good" Ishtail said, unable to hold her balance.

She fell to the ground on her knees and threw up like a drunken hooker.

"Look, Im going to find some place to take a god dam piss... I'll be right back." Brutacus said as he stormed off behind some trees in the distance.

The giant grey knight finally found a spot to unleash the waterfall. As he was doing his business, he heard a snort behind him. He turned around, only to find nothing. He continued to pee, but another snort grabbed his attention again. When he finished, another snort was heard, this time closer than the last ones.

"Okay, what the fuck is going on here?" He said, kicking some of the alien brush to see if he could catch the attention of the noise maker.

The movement of the plants did grab some attention. A head popped out of the brush in the short distance. A termagaunt. It sniffed the air until it locked its eyes on Brutacus.

"BREEE!!! BREEE!!!" It squealed in alarm.

The next thing Brutacus saw was thousands of tyranids popping out of the brush, locking their eyes on Bruatcus.

"BREEEEEEEEEE! BREEEEEEEEEEEE! BREEEEEEEE! BREEEEEEEEEEEE!" They all squealed.



Aetius was sitting on the ground, helping Ishtail getting over her hang over. She leaned on him, moaning in pain and complaining about her head ache. All was quiet, until he saw a silver figure, sprinting towards them.

"Well, I think Brutacus might have found us some trouble..." Aetius said.

Brutacus sprinted even faster as he came closer, but he wasn't alone. A soft roar of feet and claws were followed behind, sounding like they were only thirty feet behind him. It wasn't long till Aetius could see what was chasing him: a swarm of tyranids.

"Brutacus, what did... you.. do?!" Aetius said, with a shock written all over his face.

"NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!" He said as he grabbed both of them, still maintaining his speed.

Aetius was impressed by Brutacus's strength, completely forgetting that he was genetically modified warrior. But even still, the tyrandis were catching up. The sounds of annoying squeals and brees were coming closer as they continued running to nowhere. It wasn't long till they found out what they were running towards: A cliff. They stopped just in time as they hit the edge, staring down a drop that lead into jagged rock. They had nowhere to go, Tyranids behind them and a long death in front of them. But to their luck, a large rock nearby offered some shelter. They ran towards the rock, hiding behind it to shelter themselves against the unstoppable wave of xenos. They finally arrived, swarming over the rock and falling to their doom. It was a stampede of aliens over them, yet, they cared not about who they were originally chasing, for they were too busy following the pack over the edge of the cliff. They watched as termaguants, carnifexes, lictors, raveners, warriors and even the leading hive tyrant, fall off like stupid drones. Finally it ended. They peered over to see a mountain of dead tyranids, smashed and impaled on the bottom.

"Wow... Just wow..." Aetius said. "This really doesn't make any sense what-so-ever."

Their attention was grabbed again when a little squeeking noise was heard close by. They looked to see nothing but a small pack of lemmings.

"Ha! The hive absorbed lemmings! What a bunch of dumbass!" Burtacus laughed.

Surprised at the stupidity of the over hyped intelligence of the tyranids, they walked off to the greener pastures of the planet, seeking the eldar over there.



"Okay, so where are these exodite eldar?"

"Well, just keep looking; there has be some remains of a settlement or something on the lines of that."

"I’m hungry..."

The three of them reached a looking point ontop of a small peak. Continuing to look around the country side with the extended view, they saw nothing but fields and paches of forests. It just seemed to be another planet with a good environment.

"Hey... I think I see something over there..." Aetius pointed.

He found what looked like a small settlement with structures of white and gold. He could see some dots moving about, looking like they are doing some sort of labor or activities.

"Well, seeing that there is nothing around, mabey we should check it out?" Aetius suggested.

"Fine then, leme just finish eating all of the food we have left." Brutacus said, stuffing his mouth with the last bits of their supplies.

They moved on down the small mountain, slowly coming closer to the supposed village. It was about two hours before they came in sight of the little town. Wraithbone structures, advance equipment, and eldars dressed in modest attire were obvious indicators that this was their desitnation. When they moved onto the outskirts of the town, the villagers paused and stared at them. The eldar slowly approached them, looking at them with awe and suspicion.

"What brings you humans here?" Asked one of them.

"We have come to return a lost child of yours." Aetius said.

The eldar began to talk to each other, some being grateful, others words being hostile.

"How long has this child been missing from her craft world?" The same xeno asked.

"About three months. She left her craftworld because she was treated poorly. We return her to you to see if she could live a just and happy life." 

They looked at Aetius with suspicion, but yet they could sense that he did no harm to their race and the child. Aetius slowly pushed Istail forward, telling her that she is home.

"We appreciate that you have returned her unharmed and untainted. Hand her over and be on your way."

Ishtail took a few steps before she turned around to stare at Aetius. He looked at her, seeing fear, sadness and loneliness.

"Look Ishtail, your home. These people will take care of you, will treat you fairly and love you. This is where you belong, these are your people. Us? Well, were just humans, nothing that you and your people need to care for. It was great knowing you! You are a talented little girl who will do great things in life." Aetius said, showing her that he cares for her.

Brutacus looked at her as well, seeing her unstable emotion.

"Look... I hate to make this one of those emotional cry fests, but Im going to be honest here. This is you home. You were annoying and stupid at times, but in the end... well... I'll miss you... Now then, I need to take a massive dump."

Ishtail turned around walking slowly to the eldar, who greeted her with kindness. As hard it was, they waved good bye and headed off, back towards the ship miles away. It was only a few feet they moved until Aetius felt something holding his leg. He looked to see Ishtail, bursting into tears.

"I DONT WANNA GO!!! I DONT!!" She cried hysterically.

She sobbed and cried, stating her reasons, her love towards them. This however, did not touch the other eldar. One of the males walked over and grabbed the Ishtail, dragging her a few feet.

"Why do you want to stay with these lower class animals?! This is an outrage and a humiliation towards our race! You better suck it up, for this is not how a child should be to shuch filth!" He scorned her.

"NO! I HATE YOU! YOUR MEAN AND STUPID!" She screamed back angrily.

The eldar slapped her across the face, telling her to shut up. That single moment, of all of the events that he has been through, drove Aetius off the edge. He walked over and pushed the xeno away from the child. He sucker punched the eldar in the face, breaking his noise.

"You call your selves high and mighty, but yet you treat your children like the things you hate?! I promised her that no harm would be done unto her, and I SHALL KEEP THAT PROMISE!" Aetius roared.

he continued to wail upon the xeno, turning his pretty face into a bloody pulp. The other eldar responded by rushing towards the fight, yelling and cursing as the beating ensured. The town militia came rushing in as well, with shuriken guns and ordering that every one should calm down. Just when the mob was almost about to go off the deep end, a familar annoying sound screamed through the air.

"BREEE BREEE BREEE!!!"

Aetius turned around to see the same carnifex that chased them from the prior day. Rather than running in fear, he simply grabbed Ishtail and walked towards the side. The massive tyranid went on a all out frenzy, rushing into the crowd of eldar, pulverizing them. The three of them moved back a ways, watching the massive monster run on a rampage through the crowd, eating and destroying the eldar.

"That carnifex gets my seal of approval." Brutacus said as they walked off back to their ships miles off.


----------



## Ultra111

Lemming tyranids!

Awesome yet again


----------



## arturslv

I-*this post has been terminated by Inquisition. Reason - too much screaming, drooling, shouting and headbanging*


----------



## ThatOtherGuy

Chapter 25 is home sweet home


Aetius, Brutacus and Ishtail stood right in front of the door that lead back onto the ship. They stood there in silence, not knowing what to do. Their main goal had been compromised. They spent three months trying to return Ishtail to a proper home, but now that failed, they have nothing to do.

"Well... Is this it?" Brutacus said.

"What do you mean by this is it?" Aetius said.

"You know what I’m talking about. Look... We have absolutely nothing to do now. Our main job is over and with nothing left... Actually, scratch the last part, you guys have nothing to do, Im just going to find a bar and drink and fight."

"Well... guess your right about that..." Aetius said sadly.

"What do we do now?" Ishtail asked.

"I mean, I know what I’m going to do, Brutacus is pretty much going to cause havoc once more, but I honestly don’t know what to do with you Ishtail..." Aetius said, trying to figure out things for everyone. "I mean, we can’t forever just wander the galaxy forever."

"I can." Brutacus said proudly.

"Me too." Ishtail said.

"Well... What Im getting... Never mind." Aetius said defeated in his argument.

Brutacus looked at Aetius with the feeling of annoyance and predictability.

"Uggghh... Fine, let’s take you back to the warp so you can live happily ever after... Jeez... Who ever thought of this plot is a total ******."

Brutacus pushed the two back onto the ship, grumbling about the predictability of Aetius and Ishtail. Once everyone was seated, they proceeded to head off again into space.

"Ok, so where is a place where we can get into the warp, for this ship has only short jumps, nothing good enough to make ground." Brutacus asked.

"Um, according to schematics here, there is a demon world not too far from here. Probably our best chance of getting into the warp."

"Ok, where is it?" Brutacus grumbled.

"Here are the coordinates." Aetius said as he handed the printed page of directions.

"Sicarus?! Dammit, whenever we need to get to a fucking destination, it always ends up being the worst of the worst!" Brutacus complained.

"Actually, its one of the better ones."

"BETTER? Do you know how much they tax you on boarding and loading? A shit load if you ask me! And getting anywhere on that planet is like trying to move through the streets of Japan on a holiday. Sicarus is the loser version of a demon world."

"Oh just shut up and move the dam ship."

Brutacus started the warp jump, setting the coordinates to their last destination. After spending two minutes flying through the warp, they arrived at the outskirts of Sicaurs. The planet’s atmosphere was a twisted red storm, only clearing up once in a while to show massive black cities dotting the land. They slowly descended into the atmosphere, rocking and shaking from the maelstrom that roared through the air. Finally they arrived at a loading bay, landing on top of one of the overly gothic landing platforms. Walking off, they were greeted by several chaos space marines.

"What is your business here mortals!?" One of them screamed, holding his bolter at eye level.

"Were here to see some family..." Aetius said.

The marines stood back in surprise.

"And who is it?!" Questioned another marine.

"Harrison Laurence."

"WHO!?"

Aetius rolled his eyes. "Lord Draco in other words."

"Oh... I didn't know that... Well, for special visitors, we advise you to where these tags. That way we don’t have dark apostles trying to convert you." The marine said surprised.

The three of them attached the white name tags, labeling there reason why they are here and their special permissions.

After the marines walked off, Brutacus turned to Aetius in surprise.

"I didn't know you have a relative here!?"

"Well... It’s a long story... Just to put it in short terms, my great great great great great uncle is one of the members on the Dark Council. So before I leave, might as well say hello." Aetius said, slightly embarrassed about his family history.

"That pretty fucking awesome actually."




The three of them arrived at the massive doors of the Basilica of the World, all of them staring up at the massive black gates with awe. Aetius walked up to the door, and with all of his might slammed the enormous knocker. It was a few seconds before a slave answered.

"Who who who is it?" The slave shacked in fear.

"Uh yeah, I'm here to see Lord Draco." Said Aetius.

"No mere person can ask the individual attention of one members of the Dark Council!" The slave snarled.

"Im here on family matters."

The slave paused for a moment, trying to process Aetius's reason for his uncle. Finally the slave hopped off, waving for them to follow. The continued till they reached a massive hall, with towering arches and gothic decorations. The slave then disappeared behind the giant doors to the inner sanctum. About ten minutes later the massive doors swung open. There stood with his arms wide open was a chaos lord of insane importance, wearing tainted artifice armor.

"By the gods, its my nephew, how are you!?" Said the massive chaos lord, giving a Aetius a large hug.

"Its great to see you again uncle Harrison!" Aetius said, squeezing out those words.

"And these are your guests?! Well then, let’s all have a seat! I want to know how the family is doing." Harrison said, escorting the three into the grand room.

"Well... Most of the family you knew is dead... Just for starters..." Aetius muttered.

While Harrison, Brutacus and Aetius were sitting and talking about personal matters, Ishtail got bored and decided to explore the Basilica of the World. She quietly slipped out of the room and darted around the corner and skipped down the huge hall they were once in. There, she was presented two options: she could go down stairs or go up stairs and explore. Fearing the dark, she chose going upstairs. After a good little hike, she reached the top floor. There, at the end of another massive hall, was another pair of large doors, this time however, even more decorated and more over the top gothic. She skipped down the hall, whistling without care, and stopped at the large doors. With all of her little strength, she pushed one side open, creating enough space for her to slip in. In the middle of the room sitting on the floor was a massive demon price, and ancient demon prince: Lorgar. He sat their meditating, humming chants and prayers in front of an altar. Ishtail being, completely oblivious of what Logar was doing, walked in and sat right down right next to him. She started to hum along, not knowing any of the words.

"You’re doing it wrong." Lorgar said.

"How are you supposed to do it then?" Ishtail asked.

"Like this"

Logar gave her an example on how to meditate properly, reciting the hymns and chants clear enough for Ishtail to learn. Soon the two of them began to pray together, but soon Ishtail was bored.

"This is boring, why can’t we do something more fun?"

"Because praying to the Gods requires patience and faith..." Lorgar whispered.

"Why can’t we sing to the gods?" Ishtail said with a smile.

"You know... I never thought of doing it that way..." Lorgar said, stopping his meditation to think about it.

"Well, let’s try then!"

Within the next hour, the two of them went from rhythmic chanting to singing Gilbert and Sullivan plays, dancing around the room. After more time passed, Ishtail got tired and decided to leave.

"I got to get back to my friends down stairs now. I had fun so maybe we should do it again sometime!" Ishtail said.

"I would love to!" Lorgar said happily.

Ishtail skipped out of the room and headed back down the stairs, closing the door behind her. Lorgar returned back to praying and meditating, humming the tunes of Gilbert and Sullivan.




"So what is it that you ask of me Aetius? You said something in the beginning about a favor of some sort." Harrison said.

"Well... to tell you the truth uncle... I need to get back to the warp..." said Aetius.

"Ahhh! You're turning to chaos! Oh I am so glad and proud of you! Finally, someone who has embraced the truth!" Harrison cheerfully said.

"Actually... It’s because I have a girl friend down there that I want to see and-"

Before Aetius could finish, Brutacus interrupted.

"He wants to bone Khorne's daughter in the butt and vagina!"

Aetius look guilty of that statement.

"Well... ummm...."

"Ah, don’t worry Aetius... There is a warp gate in the inner sanctum. I can have the servants open it up for you and you can be on your way!"

Harrison signaled his servants to prepare for the rift. As soon as the slaves left, Ishtail walked back into the room, acting like nothing happened.

"So where have you been?" Aetius asked.

"Ummm... Potty?" She said, faking an answer.

"That must be one long shit then..." Brutacus said sarcastically.

The three of them left, being lead by Harrison towards the rift. Behind the outer doors was a massive gate, sitting in the middle of a large altar. It glared with the colors of red and purple, swirling and mixing as it awoke.

"Well... Here it is..." Aetius said softly.

Aetius looked at Brutacus, giving him a small smile, holding the emotions of farewell and thanks.

"Its been a good time being with you, you big drunken dick." Aetius joked.

"Nawww... It was pretty cool being with you too." Brutacus said, lightly punching Aetius in the shoulder. "Well, It was nice knowing you two. Sure, at times I wanted to rip out your spinal cord and beat you to death with it, but for the most part I enjoyed you guys."

Aetius looked at the warp gate. It was calling him. Aetius gave Brutacus a bro hug, before he and Ishtail started to walk off into the rift, heading towards a new life.

"Promise me that you will stay sober when I see you again!" Aetius shouted behind him.

"Fuck you! Being sober is for pussies!"

"You promise to keep in contact?"

"Facebook is good enough dipshit!"

With a deep breath, Aetius and Ishtail stepped into the gate, leaving the materium.

_*The End*_


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## arturslv

Grimd'awwwwww... And an awesome way to end the story. A pity it was so short, I enjoyed reading it. ;_;


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## Ultra111

thansk for entertaining me during boring lectures. Brilliant!


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## ThatOtherGuy

Epilogue



"Ok everyone we're here."

Aetius, Vicky and Ishtail stepped out of the warp rift onto a dark street. Down the road was a large house surrounded by a small stone wall with an iron gate right in front of the door. They walked up to the sturdy gate, donned with the imperial symbol on the front. Aetius pressed the buzzer on the intercom on the right side of the gate.

"Who is it?" Said a fuzzy voice at the other end.

"Hello Betty, its Aetius."

"Oh great! I will be right there!"

The front door creaked open and out came a small old woman. She walked down to the iron gate and opened one of the doors. She opened her arms and embraced Aetius.

"Oh its so good to see you dear! And my! Is this the gorgeous bride that I remembered several weeks ago?" Betty said warmly.

"Its good to see you too!" Vicky said, surprised by her hospitality.

"And here is my favorite xeno grand daughter, oh you are so cute!"

Ishtail gave Betty a huge hug just before they left to go inside. The three of them walked into the house, adorned with a military-esque decorations. They moved their way to the dining room, sitting down in on the right side of the large table.

"So how are you doing Aetius?" Betty asked, bringing out some drinks.

"Oh its going fine. Just moving into the new fortress on Drakaasi and getting to know the place. But other than that, nothing much new. Ran into Skull Taker the other day, didn't know he was such a pot head." Aetius said.

"And how about you Vicky?"

"Oh my, where do I begin? Well, first off I joined the area battle club, so basically me and the girls go fighting slaves and warriors on Tuesday nights and also I have a part time job raising young juggernaughts at the local foundry." Vicky said.

"And how about you Ishtail? Are you enjoying the new home?"

"I got into school on Ulthwe! And I got a puppy! His name is Mork!" Ishtail excitedly said.

Before they got deeper into their conversations, the door bell rang.

"Oh Aetius, I forgot that your older brother is going to joins us for dinner. He said he is also bringing his girlfriend, so please be nice." Said Betty as she walked towards the door.

"Fuck... I hate my older brother..." Aetius muttered.

"I didn't know you had an older brother." Vicky whispered.

"He wasn't at the wedding because he was saving the imperium." Aetius said, using his fingers as quotation marks.

The door opened and stepped forward a rugged commissar, adorned with medals and awards.

"Ahhh! It’s my younger brother Aetius! Why it is so nice to see you again! I forgot to say, but I am so terribly sorry that I couldn't make it to the wedding, I was busy fighting off the Tau in the Dugath system."

"That’s okay; I know how busy you are Ciaphas." Aetius sarcastically said.

"Well, let’s have a seat then, shall we?"

Ciaphas and his girl friend Amberley sat across the table from Aetius and Vicky respectively. It wasn't long before they all engaged in conversation. They talked about personal life, politics, weapons, but most of the time Ciaphas boasted about his accomplishments. During all of this talk, Betty was bringing in food and setting it on the table, preparing for dinner. She sat down when all was ready and waited for the last member to come: grandpa.

"I say, where is that old man? Its twenty minutes pass dinner and we have yet to see a sign of him." Ciaphas joked.

"SHUT YOUR DAM TRAP YOU PUSSY!"

They all looked at the intimidating figure that just entered the room. The old man wore a silver breast plate with a trench coat underneath. His robotic eye scanned the table, looking over at each guest before he sat down.

"Well it’s about time you came down Yarrick!" Betty said, frustrated for his lateness.

"Well I was busy polishing off my power claw. Anyhow, you all can begin eating."

They all began to eat their food, which was served in equal portions under the orders of Yarrick. They sat their quietly before Ciaphas began to speak again.

"So grandpa, I was just telling Vicky your exploits and victories at Armageddon here and-"

"BULLSHIT! You were going off about how you saved the imperium again. And even that is bullshit, for you are a god dam pussy, that’s what you are!" Yarrick spat out, pointing at Ciaphas. "I knew children on Armageddon who had bigger balls than you!"

"Well..." Ciaphas cleared his throat in defense "At least what I do actually helps the imperium! Aetius over here gets married to Khorne's daughter and adopted a xeno child! I say that is much lower than my accomplishments!"

"HA! Aetius taking a dump is more productive than anything that you have done! I know Tau who are braver than you in melee, you worthless excuse of a grandson."

"Even If I don’t make history like you did, at least I'm not considered a traitor!" Ciaphas defended himself, glaring at Aetius.

"And we all know that a traitor is the lowest form of life! I mean, you fell in love with a demon?" Amberley laughed.

Vicky glared at her with hate filled rage, barely holding back the urge to rip her throat out. But yet, this was supposed to be a family bonding dinner, so she hid all of her hostility under a fake smile. That ended soon.

"Wanna know a fun filled fact? Khorne demons are the lowest on the list of "dangerous demon types" according to the ordo malleus! I mean, even demonettes are more dangerous than you!" Amberley laughed again, followed by Ciaphas laughter.

Vicky had it. She walked over and grabbed Amberley by the hair and dragged her into the kitchen, closing the door behind. Seconds later screams of bloody pain and death leaked out of the room, setting the dining room dead quiet. A moment later, Vicky walked out, covered in blood, and sat back down at the table, whiping up the mess with her napkin. Yarrick peered around the corner to see Amberly dead on the floor, stabbed in the throat with a kitchen knife.

"HA! Your whore girlfriend is dead! Best dinner ever!" Yarrick hysterically laughed.

Ciaphas looked at Vicky in horror on what she did. Vicky looked at him back, showing off a large grin.

"You got something else to say?"

"Umm No! I mean no." Ciaphas said.

"Well Aetius, I thought you were a dead beat loser like your brother, but I guess I was wrong! Promise me you will become a demon prince before you die, I want to know that at least I have one grandson who has some balls!"

Ciaphas had enough; he threw down his napkin and walked out the door, muttering about how horrible the dinner was.




Actually, my next work will not be about orks; I will have to do that later. My next work is going to be huge, so I probably wont post in this section for a long time. Multi-part series. The first part is about the concept of "Schism" among the chaos legions.


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## Kale Hellas

best story ever made,you incorperated so much epicness its amazing


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## Malak Falco

Fun and funny. Granted it's not high brow but damnit it's not supposed to be! Laugh. It's the only thing you can do in the 41st millinia until something glances your way that makes your head go asplode.


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## ThatOtherGuy

I will admit that this story is probably raped to death by grammar errors and what not, but you know, I'm glad you guys enjoyed this.


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## arturslv

No, we're glad to have something so funny as this story bestowed upon us, an- Hey, is that Brutacus in your signature?


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## lordjerry777

you are awesome man i love your work 
... and F the pros


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## Ultra111

this story is epically epic. EPIC! Thank you so much for this!
Have some max rep xD


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## ThatOtherGuy

arturslv said:


> No, we're glad to have something so funny as this story bestowed upon us, an- Hey, is that Brutacus in your signature?


Yep, its the drunken dick himself.


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## arturslv

Heh, awesome!


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## ThatOtherGuy

don't you guys worry about this. I promise to make some side stories in the future about these bunch of lovable losers.


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## Boc

I'll admit, I started reading this with quite a bit of trepidation, as I've found that humour and 40K don't always mix well (at least not blatant humour). You, however, executed it very well, and the whole piece was quite cleverly written with enjoyable characters.

It was at times, though, fairly riddled with grammatical errors and while I recognize that you both know this and pointed it out multiple times, I'd recommend doing a little proof reading in the future.

Very well done though, +rep


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## ThatOtherGuy

Yeah, I will eventually come back to this and fix all of the problems. Something like this coming weekend or so.


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## ThatOtherGuy

UPDATE

Greetings fellow mortals! I just spent the last two days going over this work and cleaned as much of the grammar problems out of it as much as possible. I've kinda improved since I wrote this story, and to do justice to this I fixed many grammar problems, rewrote some dialog, added in a few lines, fixed a few plot holes and some other various things. This is just to let you know that its not as crappy as it was before.



And to shamelessly advertise my other stuff, check of the links on my sig. Why? Because I'm a douche thats why.


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## Rafen

Its good to see warhammer made light of. i still cant stop chuckling good work
d-(^-^)-b <thumbs up


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## ThatOtherGuy

Thanks. On the side note, please, anyone who reads this, tell me if there are any specific grammar errors in this story. I do not have the time anymore to continuously check this old story. My posting here is done.


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## Tolisk

Awesome story, rep for u, and for the demoness bloodletter that killed the girlfriend!


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