# The first short story intro im doing.



## High_Seraph (Aug 28, 2009)

Im posting it hear to get great feedback and advice. This is my first attempt at fiction writing. Well anyway here its pick it to death then beat the corpse so I may be able to improve. Thank you for your time and effort.
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A single shot rings out over the darkness taking the head of a Captain of traitor guard unit off in a shower of blood, gore, and bone.

“Excellent shot Jaycen, Sir the traitor-guard captain is dead,” Scout sergeant Hephaestus reports to Captain Lucio. “Good work Sergeant get your men out of there, the Lion watch over you.” Lucio responds in his dry voice. “Yes sir,” Hephaestus says, “Men lets get back to camp before the real battle starts.” The four remaining scouts all quietly pack their gear and remove any trace of there presence in the ruined building they were using as a sniping position. 

“Christ take point I’m right behind you, Batu your next then Jaycen, Raziel your flanker, Move out scouts.” Christ takes the lead and quickly but carefully navigates the inside of the ruin to the point they had marked out as their primary exfiltration point. “Hold up enemy patrol ten-men strong, orders sir?” Christ asks Hephaestus. “Take cover hold fire, let them pass if you can.” Orders Sergeant Hephaestus. The patrol of guardsmen passes by the scouts as they enter the building looking for whoever fired the shot.


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## Commissar Ploss (Feb 29, 2008)

Scouts of the Dark Angels correct? I highly doubt that the guardsmen would have been able to tell where the shot came from. or at least as specifically as the building it came from. SM Scouts usually are more discreet than that. Its a good intro, first person, unique. sentences aren't too long. good job otherwise. 

CP


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## High_Seraph (Aug 28, 2009)

its just a random patrol going though any likely sniper postions. so you acutally liked it?


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## Commissar Ploss (Feb 29, 2008)

yeah, its good, although it lacks sensory detail. and, the only thing that eluded they were Dark Angels is the the quote "the Lion watch over you." so it was a good guess on my part, otherwise, it doesn't mention that they are DA. Make sure to build on your descriptions of your surroundings. It will help with future stories/continuations.

CP


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## High_Seraph (Aug 28, 2009)

thank you i was trying to be a little vague about what chapter but i didn't know how to do it so i tried a little one liner. i will definately try to bring more about the sensory details but like i said first time trying to write up fluff. i might change it to my homebrew chapter though. Angels of Redemption, 13th founding of the Angels of crap forgot which one its was. :facepalm: i'll look it up later to tired need sleep.


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