# Turshuj Malauv :: Part Two: The Employer



## Sammaven (May 13, 2009)

This is the second part of the Tursuhj Malauv series. Enjoy :]

The wet grass felt cool against Tursuhj's many cuts and scratches, the imposter Inquisitor throwing him onto the grass to make a show in front of the crowds.

"Bastard! I should execute you now for your crimes!" Getir shouted as he backhanded Malauv with his studded leather gloves. Tursuhj recoiled, the studs cutting gashes along the left side of his face. He screamed in pain, as Getir hauled him over his shoulder, and trudged off into the fields.

"I'm sorry, but it was necessary," said Pujiscious, letting him onto his own feet after they were a distance from the mansion.

"Thank you for "saving me", but I really did have it under control," snorted Tursuhj as he stumbled along after Getir.

"You'll see in due time.. There are things I cannot tell you until later, if you make it that far."

Tursuhj's eyes squinted untrustingly, his left index finger tapping a nervous beat on the side of his thigh.

"You gonna tell me who you are, and why you took me from the mansion?" asked Malauv, anxious to get out of this predicament.

"I was hired by a very high paying man to take you from there and bring you to him."

"What? Who would want to see me except my employers?"

"You will see in due time, damnit!" spat Getir and he picked up his pace. Malauv struggled to get along, limping and tripping through the muddy field.

Tursuhj hit the ground hard, shouting in alarm as a large transport flew from the treeline suddenly. It landed in the ground, sending mud cascading into the air, covering Malauv in wet, sticky soil.

He spat out the mud, trying to get a better view at the transport. Pujiscious approached the transport cautiously and slowly. A large ramp flopped from the transport and hit the ground with a splash. Several huge figures ran out of the transport in a perfect defense formation.

One of the men from the transport walked forwards, a large walking stick supporting his weight.

"Greetings, Getir," called out the man, his booming voice easily heard over the raging wind.

"Ahh.. Otun, good to see you again, my friend."

"I see you have delivered the package," said Otun.

"Yes, don't I always, though?"

Otun smiled, "If you would so kindly escort the package onto the gunship, we might be on our way?"

"Ah.. Yes yes, of course Otun. But first, my payment?"

"Greedy bastard.." said Otun as he threw Getir a large brown suitcase. Pujiscious checked and double checked the contents, then he nodded and pushed Malauv onto the ship.

Getir sat next to Tursuhj, and whispered into his ear, "Look.. We might not make it off this gunship, but I'm going to try and make it happen. These men are trying to get inside your head to get closer to your little "group" of assassins so they might execute them all. They plan to kill me too, but I'm not going to go down without a fight. Are you with me?"

"Yeah.. I'm with you. But what do you have in mind? There's atleast five heavily armed and armored men aboard this ship, not including Otun. And can you even fly this ship?"

"Of course I can fly the ship, fool! It's the troopers I'm thinking about," Getir paused for a few moments, devising a scheme in his mind.

"Follow my lead."

"Hey you! Yeah.. You with the gun! Why is your face so damned ugly?" shouted Getir across the ship. All of the armed men looked up, staring at Pujiscious. One of them stood to his feet unsteadily, and stumbled towards him.

"I'm gonna beat your skull in, you little rat!" Getir grinned mischievously, and barely dodged a fist swung at his head. Pujiscious kicked out the man's legs, and ripped the gun from his holster.

Bullets pinged across the gunship, and in seconds, three of the armed men were down. One of the remaining men was reaching for his gun, the other staring dumbly. Getir leapt across the gap between him and the men, and smashed the butt of his rifle into one of the mens' jaws. With a sickening crunch, the man dropped to the floor.

This left Otun and the remaining trooper, who was put out of it quickly as Getir shot him in the sternum.

Otun smashed his walking stick into Getir, sending him flying across the room, into the wall. Pujiscious blew off one of Otun's legs at the knee. Otun, using his remaining strength, slid across the floor and grasped a las pistol, which he shot Getir in the hand with.

Pujiscious cried out in pain, and smashed his gun into Otun's temple. Then he fell to the floor and ripped off part of his shirt to stem the flow of blood.

"You ok, Getir?"

"Yeah, but damn, why didn't you help?!" shouted Pujiscious across the ship.

"Sorry man, but I like staying in one piece. Now let's fly this damned ship out of here."

"Yeah.. A slight problem with that.. If you hadn't noticed, three fingers just got blown off my damned hand you idiot!" Getir bellowed.

"Fug it.. Just tell me what I can do and we might just get out of here alive."

"Go.. Into the pilot deck.. Damn, just pull me in there so I can show you." With that, Malauv rushed over to Getir and pulled him over the hard metal floor over to the pilot room.

"What do we do about the servitor flying this damned thing?"

"It's been ordered to keep the ship in the air until ordered otherwise, so let's tell it otherwise."

"Right.. And how exactly do we do that?" asked Malauv who stumbled backwards as Getir shot the servitor in the head.

"The hell you do that for, man?! We're going to crash!"

"I already told you, I know how to fly this thing.. I don't need a damned servitor to do it for me," said Getir as he wrenched the servitor out of its cables and discarded the carcass onto the floor.

Pujiscious leapt into the seat, and started to bring the ship into a sloppy spiral to the forest floor. Malauv was thrown about as the ship made the bumpy descent. He grabbed desperately onto a railing, and pulled himself into a seat.

Into the depths of the forest was where they were headed. Malauv had heard terrible stories about the forest on this planet, and he hadn't planned to visit the very heart of it. It would take all of Tursuhj's skill and endurance to make it out of the woods alive.

Hope you all liked this one.. I tried to write it a lil bit differently than Part One.


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## Lupercal101 (Jan 26, 2009)

good work man!


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## Sammaven (May 13, 2009)

Lupercal101 said:


> good work man!


Thank yah. I think I'm going to just completely redo the Children of Hate original fiction cuz it would take a lot more time finding all the little tweaks to make.


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## Bananarama (May 30, 2009)

THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GONNA WRITE MY OWN STORY!!!!!


but i have no idea what to write about........


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## Shogun_Nate (Aug 2, 2008)

Howdy bud!

I'm liking this new format you're writing in. It's a lot easier to follow and is much more pleasing to the eyes! If you don't mind, I'd like to offer a bit of advice. Now, I'm no expert but there are a few minor tweaks that would make this story of yours better.



> The wet grass felt cool against Tursuhj's many cuts and scratches, the imposter Inquisitor throwing him onto the grass to make a show in front of the crowds.


Looking at the opening sentence the flow is a little off. "....cuts and scratches as the imposter Inquisitor threw him onto the grass, making a show in front of the crowd" comes off the tongue a little better. Keep an eye on flow. You want the sentences to be easy to read. Also, you can be a little more descriptive in your writing. Describe the crowd a little more. ...."making a show in front of the gathering crowd of party-goers and passer-bys" gives us that little extra bit of information over the people gathered outside and connects to the previous installement.



> "Bastard! I should execute you now for your crimes!" Getir shouted as he backhanded Malauv with his studded leather gloves. Tursuhj recoiled, the studs cutting gashes along the left side of his face. He screamed in pain, as Getir hauled him over his shoulder, and trudged off into the fields.


Here I'd change "...He screamed in pain as (no need for a comma here) Getir hauled him over his shoulder (again, no comma) and trudged off into the fields." You can also change it to "....shoulder, trudging off into th fields". 



> "I'm sorry, but it was necessary," said Pujiscious, letting him onto his own feet after they were a distance from the mansion.


One of the mistakes I make a lot is adding commas where they don't need to be. "I'm sorry but it was necessary" said Pujiscious.." You generally don't need to add a comma to the end of a statement unless you're branching it around the speaker or an action. Remember, commas are there to add a pause or space as it were in a sentence to break things up. I did notice that you didn't always do this. In several spots of dialogue you hit the nail square on the head but some spots you don't need them. _Otun smashed his walking stick into Getir, sending him flying across the room, into the wall._ Here you don't need the extra comma between 'room' and 'into the wall'. In other spots, there are places where commas would be better suited instead of the word 'and'. _With that, Malauv rushed over to Getir and pulled him over the hard metal floor over to the pilot room._ In this one you could: "....over to Geter, pulling him across the hard metal floor to the pilot room"

A few other key things. When in doubt, keep it simple. Lines like "_into Otun's cerebellum"_ would be better phrased with 'skull', 'temple', or head. While using more 'proper' terms for things works, it's usually better to go for the most straight-forward way of putting things.

I hope you don't take it the wrong way. Your writing is quite good. Do you proof-read/spell (though your spelling doesn't seem to be a problem..which is good lol) and grammar-check before you post it? You are improving from story to story. You seem to be getting the hang of it rather quickly as with each post it gets better and better. Please don't think I'm trying to nitpick bud! I really do like what you're doing here and just passing on little nuggets of writing wisdom I too use as I put pudgy finger to keyboard lol.

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate


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## Sammaven (May 13, 2009)

Shogun_Nate said:


> Howdy bud!
> 
> I'm liking this new format you're writing in. It's a lot easier to follow and is much more pleasing to the eyes! If you don't mind, I'd like to offer a bit of advice. Now, I'm no expert but there are a few minor tweaks that would make this story of yours better.
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot for the advice, again. .. I'm only 13 yrs old, so I haven't perfected muh writing stuff yet. I appreciate the help, though, because I now realize that I was using commas too much which can make the writing sound really weird or wrong. And ty for pointing out the specific things where I put too many or not enough because it makes it a hell of a lot easier for me. Part 3 will be out by the end of today, hope you enjoy it.


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## Sammaven (May 13, 2009)

Bananarama said:


> THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GONNA WRITE MY OWN STORY!!!!!
> 
> 
> but i have no idea what to write about........


I'm glad I inspired you to write a story. Try and think of annnnything from 40k or fantasy. Like guardsman fighting chaos beasts or something. Then take that idea and start it out like that. I usually think of what I'm going to write as I go along, but sometimes people like to plan it out and do drafts and such before making the real thing. Both ways work really well, but you should find whatever is best for your writing :wink:


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## Lord Ramo (Apr 12, 2009)

its good, i like it.


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## dark angel (Jun 11, 2008)

Its a good read, DA


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## Dragblud da scrunka (Mar 26, 2009)

Great bit o fluff


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## waltzmelancholy_07 (Sep 30, 2008)

Ur 13 yrs old?!:shok:... Hahaha... Men, you have potential and ur story is good... And for that... Plus rep:victory:...:grin:


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## Shogun_Nate (Aug 2, 2008)

Exactly my sentiments Waltz. Good lord..I wish I wrote half that good at 13 LOL! At this rate you'll be pumping out short shorties for publishing soon LOL! Keep at it bud. Your writing will continue to improve with each story you create. If you really want to kick it up a notch or two, check out the local library and see if they don't have any of those "Writing for dummies" type books on their shelves. There are a few good books out there that can help a burgeoning writer improve their skills. 

The most important part about writing is you write something you want to write about, something that YOU enjoy irregardless of other factors. If you write something you like, it'll show in the story as you have a tendency to put more into it. Of course, it also has a tendency of turning a short story into a freakin monster...sigh...

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate


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## Sammaven (May 13, 2009)

Finally got done Part Three. Here's the link, enjoy.:grin:

http://www.heresy-online.net/forums/showthread.php?p=399313#post399313


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## Sammaven (May 13, 2009)

waltzmelancholy_07 said:


> Ur 13 yrs old?!:shok:... Hahaha... Men, you have potential and ur story is good... And for that... Plus rep:victory:...:grin:


Thanks xD!


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