# private matters



## vacantghost (Feb 16, 2008)

He raised his sweaty head up, bleeding on the sides of his lips and his forehead. Panting, taking a moment to take in the chaos, observed the gory slaughtering between his own and what used to be his brothers. He heard the roars of men... beast or whatever left of the pure, and litanies of the loyal. He cleared his blood stained visors, straightened his back and started a stride that would lead him to be plastered with blood. Oris Turgan, a warrior known for his undying courage, honour and loyalty to the god emperor and for his unbelievably arrogant personality. A distinctive individual in the ranks of the Holy Sinners, a legion recognised for its malevolent warriors and strategic superiority. Weaving through the flying bullets, the unyielding warrior ran through the enemies, gunning down the heretics and crushing skulls with veteran efficiency. He took the neck of one, and stared into his eyes... " You may once be my brother, but you who do not obey is an enemy i must crush" he said with a calm and sturdy voice leading him to impale the heretics noggin' with his huge fist, spilling... absolutely everything... he turned around "boy... that was messy..." he grunted and continued his duty. While gutting the unworthy, he pondered his thoughts only to find an uneasy theory that might thwart the very reputation of the adeptus astartes and the Imperium itself. Marines were never known to waver, and none has since the heresy. Why all of a sudden in this cursed planet our own, the mightiest of all fall the knees of chaos... But he was knocked out of his thoughts when Oedipus, one of his own was pushed against him by a beserk, blood drunk freshie, what 'we' call newbie chaos marines. It felt wrong calling Garvis a freshie, last night we shared not one but many a drink, shared laughs and fought side by side in countless battles. all that has changed now. the damned character was hulking over us, with red eyes and the wolf like fangs which shone in the dark, was grinning at us. Oedipus flung up, spun on his heel and landed a decisive blow to the grunts pelvis while i leapt over him, unsheathed my loyal companion, little sparky, the knife and sliced open what used to be his neck.


A introduction to the fluff of a new legion im considering to make. The Holy Sinners.
Please excuse the grammar mistakes and such, was in a hurry so apologies. but overall, comments would be appreciated whether to expand on this or not, and how it could end up. Ideas Ideas!


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## Shogun_Nate (Aug 2, 2008)

Howdy!

It's a start though I'd recommend you go back and have a go at the grammar, punctuation, spelling etc. I say this as they affect the flow of what you've written. Take the first couple of lines for example. The person in question is bleeding, but why is he bleeding? It's the little details that make a story a good story. The second sentence is also a bit confusing as it's all jumbled.

_Panting, taking a moment to take in the chaos, observed the gory slaughtering between his own and what used to be his brothers. _

When you write, make sure you keep everything in line. Verbs, adverbs, nouns, etc. The above sentence lacks a few basic bits to clear it up. The sentence would look better like this:

_Panting, he took a moment to take in the chaos. He observed the gory slaughter taking place between his fellow astartes and what used to be his brothers._

Even this sentence can be expanded on to add more detail and flesh out what's happening. At the same time, you can set it up for events later on in the story. 

To expand further:

Panting, Turgan took a moment to take in the swirling chaos surrounding him. He watched the gory slaughter taking place between his fellow astartes of the Holy Sinners and those that they had once called brother.

I don't want to sound like I'm nit-picking mate but by working on the grammar, etc. you'll find that more people will be inclined to read it as the story will be easier to follow. Now, don't let this dissuade you from posting more. The more you work at it, the easier it gets!:biggrin: Just keep at it!

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate


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## Crimson_fists (Oct 19, 2008)

I agree with the shotgun on the grammar, hmmn, ideas. Oh! I know, how about some of the heretics start summoning deamons and start to recieve mutations.......just an idea


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