# The Eternal Watch - Prologue



## Kaiden (Apr 1, 2010)

Undergoing a full rewrite - Watch this space.


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## Serpion5 (Mar 19, 2010)

You have a decent structure here mate, but I felt that it simply moved too fast. You have covered too much too quickly, resulting in a loss of some description and no sense of character. 

For instance, what kind of world was Macelon beyond being icy? Just one extra sentence such as _It`s normally barren surface had been invaded by wretched alien flora._ would have added just that little extra piece of depth to the setting.

A little more exploration of his emotions could be used as well. He felt lost, he had nobody to turn to. This is good, but it could go further. _He began to doubt himself. Why had he survived alone among all others? Why had he been spared the flame? Doubt began to gnaw at his soul as he sank further into grief and despair._

These are just little tidbits you`ll get the hang of as you go. But I see potential here, so keep at it. :good: 

You also need to check for punctuation that you`re missing in places.


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## Kaiden (Apr 1, 2010)

Thats exactly the sort of feedback i was looking for, thank you.
I'll rewrite properly when i get some more time as I have planed out quite a long story.


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## deathbringer (Feb 19, 2009)

i have to agree with serpion, i think much of it could have been drawn out, the battle of the beseiged could quite easily have been drawn into a couple of chapters in itself. 

I also felt it was too emotionally devoid, it felt impassive, like a retelling from a history book, rather than the emotional blow by blow account, which would have more impact and also allow you to introduce the personality and traits of the charactor we would follow through the rest of the tale from an outside perspective


I would personally rewrite it perhaps with one of the bladesworn terminators, looking out over the world, a world ravaged by beasts from beyond the stars.

It would allow you liscense to discuss how the world had once been and give you a more emotive and descriptive perspective from which to discuss the events. It would also give you a footing from which to drive the story forward, allowing you to discuss the inspiration that sent you to try and cut off the head of the beast. watch your brothers cut down one by one, until the main charactor rends the head from the beasts shoulder


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## gothik (May 29, 2010)

it took me a long time to learn to round my tales off. This is an interesting story but just as i was getting into a part it moved too quickly onto another part and i was left wondering who, where and why.

however that being said i like the main character and think if you go back to the drawing board flesh the prologue out a bit more and his character a little more then you could well be onto a winner here and take your time..something i have had to learn to do

i have always been an amateaur writer but until i started writing on here i thought i was not bad now recently my wriing style has improved thanks to CnC that i get given. 
it is these comments that tell you where you might be going wrong or where you are going right.

hope this helps


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## Kaiden (Apr 1, 2010)

Thanks for the help everyone, ive got some time off this week so ill do a full rewrite


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