# So you want to be a Space Marine



## bob3472 (Feb 20, 2008)

So you want to be a Space Marine
Official Rulebook
Chapter one
1.Saying ‘your mom’ to any question posed to you by a Primarch is just cruel and wrong as they have no mother.

2.The golden throne is not a toilet and the Emperor is not constipated 

3.its Guilemon, not ‘Gilligan”

4.Always send a guardsman to inform Angron that he has forgotten his medication.we lose more brother marines doing it ourselves 

5.you may refer to a fellow marine as ‘Brother’

6.even if neither of you are black (not a racist comment just a joke don’t get upset anyone)

7.you may refer to a neophyte as ‘little brother’

8.be careful not to step on guardsmen

9.if you do wipe your feet before entering the mess hall

10.it may be true that you _can_ digest anything but you _may_ not digest guardsmen

11.the above rule also applies to using them as toothpicks



More to come! Add Your own!!!


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## Hespithe (Dec 26, 2006)

12. Having a bigger butt flap does not make you more of a 'ladies' man.

13. Spitting acid at Tyranid Xenos does not constitute a mating call.

14. But the reaction is funny as hell and will earn you the respect of the marine with the biggest butt flap.


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## maxtangent (Jan 31, 2008)

15. Slaanesh is NOT a fraternity leader trying to 'haze' you.


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## bob3472 (Feb 20, 2008)

Chapter two: names and phrases

16. offering remembrancers a ‘night to remember’ is prohibited

17. the emperors most holy name is not ‘Palpatine’

18. your commanders name is not ‘Adama’

19. Guilemon’s rival is not ‘Gargomel’

20. there is no daemon known as ‘the gravemind’

21. Alpharious LOVES to be called ‘the alpha male’

22. even if it is strictly untrue

please keep posting! I’ll have more l8r!


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## maxtangent (Jan 31, 2008)

23. Guardsmen are not to be referred to as "Future BioMass".


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## Pandawithissues... (Dec 2, 2007)

24. Its not gulliman, its Pokemon.
25. When, in a particularly fierce battle, your soil yourself in fear, don't worry. Thats why we wear power armour.
26. It's completely legitimate to call the 'Black legion' the 'black sheep' of the family
27. Jump Packs are not to be used for trips to the shops for milk
28. Forgetting your keys is not an excuse for use of meltabombs within the fortress monastary.
29. Thou shalt not sneak a look at a brother marine's power sword in the shower
30. If the machine spirit can park the land raider better than you, you are a disappointment to the chapter.


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## Jacobite (Jan 26, 2007)

Pandawithissues... said:


> 28. Forgetting your keys is not an excuse for use of meltabombs within the fortress monastary.


k: The best so far. Hilerous stuff Panda.

My contributions:

31. Thou shalt not use Bikes nor any of other vechile from the Chapter Armoury to "pick up" Sisters Of Battle.
32. Thou shalt not put a rare steak in-front of a Space Wolf if thou wants to keep it.
33. Thou shalt not refer to Imperial Guard Commissars as "Wana-be Inquistitors".
34. Thou shalt not "accidently" shot at a Salamander and claim that "you thought it was a Ork".
35. If thou art a Space Wolf, thou shalt not use your combat knife as a tooth pick.
36. If a Brother Librarian is sitting next to you, Thou shalt not ask him to use his powers to fetch the salt from the other end of the table. 
37. Thou shalt not refer to Scout Bikers as "Boy Racers".
38. Thou shalt not use a Thunderhawk to just wip round the corner and grab a curry.
39. Thou shalt not use a Power Fist to give a Imperial Guardsman a "love tap".

If thou art of the Chaos Persuasion:

40. Thou shalt not refer to a Night Lord as a "Space Emo".
41. Thou shalt not refer to a Emporers Children Transport as a "Shaggin Wagon".
42. Thou shalt not say that Lucuis The Eternal puts "L" back in Latex.
43. Thou shalt not ask Tzeentch to tell your future.


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## magnustheblue (Feb 25, 2008)

My contributions:

44. Thou shall not take the titan out for a 'spin'


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## killer_sheep (Feb 23, 2008)

45. Thou shall not dress up in your companys chaplins armour and go trick or treating at halloween.
46. Thou shall not install a banging ICE system in a land raider when the tech-marine is gone off for a kit-kat and a cup of tea.
47. Thou shall not shout ''HEY BIG BOY'' when trying to get the attention of a dreadnought.


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## Hespithe (Dec 26, 2006)

48. No, the SPAM and Twinkies are NOT past their shelf-life.
49. No, you may not have a bolt-pistol holster/codpiece combo for the Emperor's B-day.
50. And NO! You may not store your squadmates' Twinkies in your own codpiece!


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## chrisman 007 (Jan 3, 2008)

51. Thou shalt not press the flashing red button on the thunderhawk.
52. If taunting a space wolf, thou shalt not put a fragmentation grenade in the aforementioned steak.


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## Emperor's Fang (Feb 28, 2008)

53. Thou shall not tell your brother marines in Terminator Armor to charge a squad of Ork Killa' Kans because his Chainfist would make a great "Kan Opanah".
54. Thou shalt give the "fig" to the Xenos, Heretic, and Mutant just because.
55. Thou shalt not try to "purge the unclean" from a brother marine with a batch of Ex-lax brownies.
56. Thou shalt remember that though the God-Emperor is our Father, Payback was our Mother.
56(a). And that Payback is a bit**, so that makes you a son of a bit**. (_hope this one does not offend anyone_)


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## bob3472 (Feb 20, 2008)

57. Guardsmen are only rodents in the figurative sense
58. they do not have tails
59. and throwing cheese cubes at them in the mess hall is just plain mean
60. you will not refer to neophytes as 'freshman'
61. telling a neophyte that streaking through the officers quarters is part of initiation is prohibited.
62. though hilarious
63. you will not refer to your commanding officer as 'Big Brother'
64. and he is not 'watching you'


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## KharnTheBetrayer86 (Feb 26, 2008)

65. You will not replace Rhinos transport tanks with real rhinos, however cool you think it would be.
66. You will not attempt to play fetch with a Space Wolf. 
67. You will never get your chapters Power Armour, or the Power Armour of any other chapter, "Pimped"
68. Despite their Chaotic name, heretical fanatical bloodletting and general insanity, you will not try and accuse The Flesh Tearers or The Blood Angels of Heresy
69. You will never make any mention of this rule to the Emperors Children, or the Dark Eldar.
70. You will never refer to a Necron as "Johnny 5" in an attempt to humanise him before battle.
71. The Nightbringer does not have a horse called Binky, please do not attempt to find his hourglass.


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## Emperor's Fang (Feb 28, 2008)

72. Thou shalt not call the Imperial Guard "Iggies".
73. Thou shalt not call Rough Riders "Pony Boyz".
74. Thou shalt not use sanctioned psykers as "target practice".
75. Thou shalt not call a Warhound Titan the "Battle Puppy". 
75(a). ...as that title is reserved for the Space Wolves Chapter.


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## Dirge Eterna (Apr 30, 2007)

76. Thou shalt not eat toast in thine power armor. I just finished vaccuming the crumbs out of the toes.

77. Thou shalt not refer to thine Captain as a "drag"

78. Thou shalt not disobey these commandments!

79. Thou shalt not use thine combat knife to open thine pickle jars. Similarly, thou shalt not use thine Captain's chainfist to open can of baked beans.

80. Thou shalt ignore odd voices in thine head.

81. Thou shalt not try on a Sister of Battle's power armor to see how it compares to your own.

82. Thou shalt not hold a "kegger", nor shalt thou attend a "kegger" another is holding.

83. Thou shalt not "pimp out" thine Rhino.

84. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.

85. Thou shalt not do donuts with thine bike.


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## Emperor's Fang (Feb 28, 2008)

addenedum to 72.: Thou shalt also not refer to Iceworld Imperial Guardsmen as "Iggie Pops", for he was a decent pre-Imperium musician.


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## Red Orc (Jun 14, 2007)

:biggrin: (for the Iggy Pop reference)

86: Thou shalt not refer to any chapters with "Angels" in their name as "Fairies".

87: Epecially thou shalt not call the Chapter Master of the Dark Angels "Queen of the Fairies".

88: Or "Gaylord".

89: In fact it's best not to insinuate anything about Dark Angels being gay.

90: Or alcoholic.

91: Or "f***ing Goths".

92: While we're on the subject, do not say to the Master of the Raven's Wing, "Oi! Giz a go of your flying chair!"


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## KharnTheBetrayer86 (Feb 26, 2008)

93. You will always remember that The inquisitions chief weapon is not fear, surprise, ruthless efficency nor an almost fanatical devotion to the God-emperour. Its Atmospheric Incinerators.


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## Red Orc (Jun 14, 2007)

94: Space Marines are entitled to half an hour's holiday on the occasion of the Emperor's Birthday. This happy time will be given over to spontaneous celebrations. Spontaneous celebrations will begin and 6.00AM with a short parade, followed by speeches and the Loyal Toast. At 6.27 there will be three minutes of fervent flag waving. Any Space Marine not spontaneously complying will be handed over to the Chaplains. Then the Inquisition, for Atmospheric Incineration.

95: Never shouldst thou tell members of the Blood Angels Death Company to "cheer up, it might never happen". It already has.

96: Or say "D'you know how Sanguinius really died? Bit his tongue and sucked himself to death, ha ha!"

97: Nor tell thou a Space Wolf, "I used to be a Wulfen but I'm alright now-ow-ow-oooow!"

98: Never ever start a joke with "There was a Cadian, a Catachan and a Tallarn..."; it's just wrong.

99: Chapter librarians are not like other librarians. If one gives you "that look" it may be fatal.

100: Never ever bloody anything ever the joke "Why did the Emperor fall off the Golden Throne? Because he was dead!"


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## Death Shroud (Mar 1, 2008)

101. Do not refer to the Ultramarines Primarch as "robot girlyman"
102. Do not attempt to flush the golden throne.
103. Shouting "Walkies" at marching Space Wolves is never wise.
104. Running around with a plate of Calamari on your head claiming to be a mutant is NOT funny.
105. Do not answer spam emails from Fabius Bile offering you genetic "enhancements" to your organs.


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## Silb (Jan 28, 2008)

106. If thou breaks any of the rules, do not blame it on being drunk, seriously, no one ever believes it.
107. Thou shalt not sell soap or detergent using the catchphrase, "purge the unclean", for that would be breaking imperial copyright laws
109. Thou shalt not put on a khorne berzerker's helmet and scream, "blood for the blood god!" if thou wishes to stay on thou chapter master's good side
110. Thou shalt not keep a hormagaunt as a pet or a guard dog


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## maxtangent (Jan 31, 2008)

110. Thou shalt learn the difference between 'Ordinance' and 'Ordnance'. 

111. Seriously. Calling in a city bylaw will NOT harm those Orks advancing on your left flank.


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## Pariah Mk.231 (Mar 2, 2008)

112. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as “Bolter B****es,” nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the “Red Rage,” lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.

113. It is not “funny” to dress up as a Bloodletter and jump out in front of the Chapter Master.

114. Though shalt not use Lasguns as laser sights for thy Bolters.

115. Thou shalt not replace the Grimoire of True Names with “Daemon Hunting for Dummies”.

116. Thou shalt never refer to the size of a Sister's rear armour.


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

117. Thau shalt not 'accidentaly' melt down a sisters of battle bathroom door while a sister is using the facilities.

118. The emperor does not power the empire with the force.


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## bob3472 (Feb 20, 2008)

119. Homer Simpson is *not* a Primarch! 
120. It is a bad idea to suggest to the Inquisition that Horus was just 'misunderstood'


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

121. Horus was NOT misunderstood, he was just a psycopathic emo.


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## bob3472 (Feb 20, 2008)

122. you will not refer to the emperor as 'daddy'

123. do not be alarmed if a guardsman attempts to lick your boots

124. figuratively

125. you will not make him do so litteraly

126. you may consider the above rule a 'guideline'

127. thunderhawks do not have 'poop decks'

128. titan pilots are compensating for something


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## Hespithe (Dec 26, 2006)

129. Yeah... titan pilots have short legs.

130. Squats are no more. They are now referred to as Titan Pilots.


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## Emperor's Fang (Feb 28, 2008)

129. Thou shalt not ask a Sister of Battle, "Who's yer Daddy?"
130. ...For the Emperor is the Father of All


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

130. Thou shalt not make fun of the shortness of ratlings, its not their foult they are titch!


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## chrisman 007 (Jan 3, 2008)

131: Thou shalt also not make fun of ratlings because thou shalt find sniper bullets between your eyes.


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## Hespithe (Dec 26, 2006)

132. And sniper rifles in your arse.


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

133. And other places...


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## Morgal (Sep 26, 2007)

134) Thou shalt not mock the Las gun lest thee be burn't to crisp by 40 or more.

135) thou shalt not expect the xeno to fight fair, they are cowards.


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## Bogg (Mar 2, 2008)

131. Thou shalt not use Tau Drones as Freesbees!
132. Do not use Meltagun and Tau Helmet ,to superheat your rations.
133. It is not wise to upset Wookie.
134. When you get an order ,dont blame your Lyeman ear for malfunctioning.
135. When a war is won, jumping up and down, shall commence once, with a quick Cheer.!
136. Orks do NOT know how to throw a good party


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

137. Orks are green not blue, also, orks dont have a U on their shoulders.
138. Red Bull is prohibatated.
139. Don't ask me why.
140. Please..


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## sea dragons (Jan 14, 2008)

141. thou shall not take a sister of battle to you room, telling her you will show her the true emperor.


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## KharnTheBetrayer86 (Feb 26, 2008)

142. You will not refer to orcs as cabbage patch babies, as a Galaxy spanning Waagghh is something the Imperium could do without.


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## bob3472 (Feb 20, 2008)

143. You may not keep a snotling as a pet

144. no booze at neophyte graduation

145. do not ask leman russ the real reason why he had a tank named after him

146. any sister of battle can tell you


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## sea dragons (Jan 14, 2008)

144. thou will not call the imperial guard cheese eating surender monkey's
145. thou shall not tie an imperial guards man to a tree and chalenge a tyranid to a spitting contest.


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## bob3472 (Feb 20, 2008)

147. When visiting a space wolves ship please respect the following rules:

148. dont feed the animals

149. this is not a petting zoo

150. no flash photography

151. this means you remembrancers

152. keep your distance

153. there is no need to do a head count before leaving *belch*


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## Zeldrin (Feb 23, 2008)

154. thou shalt not turbo boost thine bike over difficult terrain whilst screaming 'STEVE MCQUEEEEEN!'

155. thou shalt not invite sisters of battle over to the chapter home planet for a roller disco - someone always gets hurt

156. thou shalt not play 'hot potato' with melta bombs

156a. it is a waste of perfectly good power armour and meta bombs

156b. oh, and marines too


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## bob3472 (Feb 20, 2008)

157. the warrior lodge does not have jackets


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## Bogg (Mar 2, 2008)

158. Thou shalt not hold victory fingers, over your brothers head, during Chapter Photoshoot!


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## G_Morgan (Mar 3, 2008)

159. The decree 'Kill the alien' does not refer to the Space Invaders arcade.


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## Caledor (Jan 15, 2008)

160. Orks are not 'cute'.

161. Thou shalt not throw soap at snotlings.

162. Tyranids are not 'cute'.

163. Thou shalt not use bug repellant during a tyranid invasion. That is reserved for senior staff only.

164. Thou shalt not use bug spray against tyranids. It doesn't work, only distracts.

165. Thou shalt never attempt to give a tau a high-five.

166. Thou shalt never attempt to give a tau a high-five while wearing a power fist.

167. Thou shalt never put a 'honk if you think i'm sexy' sticker on a battle sisters rhino.

168. Thou shalt never honk if thou see's a 'honk if you think i'm sexy' sticker on a battle sisters rhino.

169. No, you cannot take the warhound titan 'out for a spin'.

170. Thou shalt not bribe an inqusitor to call down exterminatus on your ex-wife.


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## Bogg (Mar 2, 2008)

171. First rule of the Lodge club is, there is no Lodge Club

172. There are no such thing as a "cool mutation"


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## Jacobite (Jan 26, 2007)

180. When using a power fist remember that NOTHING is a stress ball. That includes Imperial Guardsmens footballs.


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

181. Theres no point being a space marine, half the rules contradict eachother!

182. So don't bother.


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## Pariah Mk.231 (Mar 2, 2008)

183. Thou shalt not wear oven mitts when issued a Plasma Gun.

184. Thou shalt never say, “You can’t handle the Truth!” to a Dark Angel.

185. Thou shalt not mock exalted members of thy Chapter for “not having the enemy’s permission to fight”.

186. Thou shall not question the decoration of the Chapter fortress: if skulls with wings are good enough for Him on Terra they are good enough for you.

187. Thou shalt not go on panty raids into Sister Of Battle Monasteries.

188. Thou shalt not get a Sister intoxicated for thy own pleasures.

189. Thou shalt not chase Grots with a fork.

190. Thou shalt not procure Noisemarine’s weapons for thine garage band.


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## Master Andael (Jan 18, 2008)

191. Thou shall not play chess on the suit of a eldar harlequin.

192. Thou shall not refer to ork weirdboys as magic mushrooms.

193. Thou shall not refer to ork warlords as big mushrooms.

194. Thou shall not use thy flamer to light the BBQ.

195. Thou shall not refer to the sisters of battle as those bloody Mary's.

196. Thou shall not use meltabombs to heat thy nachos.

For recruits:

197. Claiming that thy homework has phased out is not a legitimed reason for not having thy homework: we are not necrons.

198. Thou shall not hack servitors to do thy homework.


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

199. Thau shalt not ask a Sister of battle, "How much for a few hours baby?"


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## Pariah Mk.231 (Mar 2, 2008)

Master Andael said:


> 193. Thou shall not refer to ork wierdboys as magic mushrooms.


LOL!!! But they are!!!


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## Bogg (Mar 2, 2008)

200.Thou Shalt not under the height of Carnal pleasure say the Words " For the emperor!"


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## CaptainBailean (Feb 20, 2008)

201.Only in the most dire circumstances will you be allowed to use a Las Gun as a flashlight.
202.There is no butt flap on your power armor, no matter how bad you want there to be


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## Master Andael (Jan 18, 2008)

Pariah Mk.231 said:


> 189. Thou shalt not chase Grots with a fork.


I love this one, it is so funny.


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## SPYDeR13 (Dec 18, 2007)

203.Thou shalt not tell a Blood Angel to "suck it up".
204.Thou shalt not refer to Dark Angel robes as "dresses, bath robes or night gowns", thats not the reason there the unforgiven.


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## CaptainBailean (Feb 20, 2008)

205.never question where there are so many rules
206.never approach the golden throne and yell at the emperor, "Wake up sleepy head!"


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## sea dragons (Jan 14, 2008)

207. thou shall not called the emperor "grandad", "my old man" or any other refrence to him being an old member of the family.

208. And no, the emperor does not have a bladder problem.


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## bob3472 (Feb 20, 2008)

209. you will not refer to alpharious as 'the baby of the family'

210. especialy within his hearing

211. he might have a tantrum

212. 'two heads are better than one!' is not an Alpha Legion battlecry even though their symbol is a hydra


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## Sleepy Dude.. (Feb 7, 2008)

213. Frag Grenades are not to be used in the Bathroom Facilities to make Indoor Fountains.

214. or any other Facility for that matter.

215.Jump Packs are Prohibited in the Library to retrieve books from the higher shelves.

216. a Ladder is provided. and so is a Librarian.

217. One is NEVER allowed to put a Leash on a Space Wolf. Ever.

218. No, Space Wolves are not 'potty-trained'

219. you May need a pooper Scooper if on patrol with a space wolf(ves).

220. No, you are not allowed to use the Vindicator Cannon to 'drop in' on the sisters of battle. 

221. unless you overshoot. then you might wish to wear power armour.

222. The attack bike may have a second seat, but it is not for your girlfriend.


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## bob3472 (Feb 20, 2008)

223. starting a catfight between a slaanesh daemonette and a Sister of battle and betting on the outcome is not a wise investment plan

224. starting a catfight between a slaanesh daemonette and a Sister of battle for your own pleasure is perfectly acceptable

225. unless youre an Ultramarine

226. you will not ask your company's librarian to install a porn section in the chapter library.


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## Bogg (Mar 2, 2008)

227. Thou shalt not tell the Messhall Chef , "There is no spoon"


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## CaptainBailean (Feb 20, 2008)

228.Thous shal not have a house party in the Land Raider


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## Bogg (Mar 2, 2008)

229. Thou shalt not ask the Apothecary, for some "dancing flavours"


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

230. Thau shalt not MAKE porn movies with the sisters.

231. And if yo do, PLEASE dont try to pt it on the library computers.

232. We all know the librarians are gay anyway.


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## Sleepy Dude.. (Feb 7, 2008)

233. Drops Pods are not to be used if you are late to your Wife's Anarversiary Dinner Arrangements.


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## Bogg (Mar 2, 2008)

234. Thou shalt not ask, how Ork weaponry works!


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## CaptainBailean (Feb 20, 2008)

235.thou shall not try and sneak up behind a custodian guard and yell 'SUPRISE!'


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## Bogg (Mar 2, 2008)

236. Thou shalt not ask a Sister to "Touch your helmet"


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## sea dragons (Jan 14, 2008)

237. no you cant get the local noise marines to play at your coming home party.

238. noise marines can not be hired for your thunderhawk house party.

239. if you do hire the noise marines, the sisters of battle will not think your cool.


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

Bogg said:


> 236. Thou shalt not ask a Sister to "Touch your helmet"


Is that a double enttendre :/:laugh:


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## Bogg (Mar 2, 2008)

:angel: maybe =)


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

lol :laugh:


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## Caledor (Jan 15, 2008)

240: Thou shalt not ask ork prisoners why the red ones go faster.

241: Thou shalt not steal an Imperial Guards lasgun to play laser tag. The Guardsmen need them.

242: Thou shalt not steal a Tau's pulse rifle to give to a poor Guardsmen, even if it is better.

243: Thou shalt not put a 'Purge me' sign on the back of an Inqusitor.

244: Thou shalt not taunt an Inquisitor by yelling 'Look sir! Heretics'.

246: Thou shalt not install any unauthorised modifications on thy rhino. This includes sports rims, aluminium spoilers, and fluffy dice. Also, racing stripes are prohibited.

247: By order of the Inqusition, there is no such thing as the Inquisition. Questioning of this is punishable by the Inquisition.

248: Hanging pine-scented air fresheners instead of fluffy dice is now prohibited.

249: Thou shalt not point out that there is no commandment 245.

300: Thou shalt not pin plastic wings onto thy armour. Just because we are the Angels of Death is no reason to take it that far.


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## Bogg (Mar 2, 2008)

250. There is no 250 Rule.......End of..


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## sea dragons (Jan 14, 2008)

251. no you cant change ur mark 8 helmet of a darth vader one.


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## CaptainBailean (Feb 20, 2008)

251. Thou shal not use Tau gun Drones as Clay Pigions.
252. They shoot back.


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

666. Burn In Hell!!!!!


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## CaptainBailean (Feb 20, 2008)

we havnt even gotten over 300 and you put up 666? whered all the other rules go?!?!?!?!


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## thomas2 (Nov 4, 2007)

As with all unknown things in the 40K universe the Warp did it. Which BTW happens to relate to Rule 253. "Thou shalt not use the phrase 'The Warp did it' when thou has been found to put cameras in the Sisters rooms."


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## FarseerNo3 (Mar 7, 2008)

i thought it was 616 or 661 f you look deeper


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## Bogg (Mar 2, 2008)

Caledor said:


> are prohibited.
> 
> 247: By order of the Inqusition, there is no such thing as the Inquisition. Questioning of this is punishable by the Inquisition.
> 
> ...


250-299 "Missing from Archives.........."


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## hakanor (Mar 14, 2008)

*Typhus*

Thou Shalt Not Make Fun Of Typhus Because Of His Odur Issue.


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## CaptainBailean (Feb 20, 2008)

667. The previous rule has no number becasue it left with the deathguard during the horus heresy, leaving its rule all alone


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

668. Thau shalt not dis ma posse.


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## Djinn24 (Jan 12, 2008)

> 112. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as “Bolter B****es,” nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the “Red Rage,” lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.


LMFAO

669: Thou shall not say "I'll show you mine if you show me yours"
670: Flea collars do not make good Emerpors Day gifts
671: Itch powder is your fellow brothers codpiece is not funny
672: When calling a Sister of Battle a nun wth guns, ensure you are wearing your codpiece
672a: Even if it has itch powered
672b: Because it will be worse without it
673: Do not ask a sister of battle to "purge you"
673a: Because she might
673b: And even for a super human it takes a while to grow back body hair
673c: Yes even for Space Wolves
674: When in an arguement with a Spacewilf, thowing a stick will not distract him
675: Refering to Salamanders as Teenage Mutant Ninja Tutles is not funny
676: But SMurfs for Ultramarines is
677: When visiting Guillimen, pushing that button is not funny
677a: Because he has not bathed in 10,000 years
678: Do not call Dark Angels "Goth"
679: Even tho they are


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## Red Orc (Jun 14, 2007)

Red Orc said:


> ...
> 
> 89: In fact it's best not to insinuate anything about Dark Angels being gay.
> 
> ...


680: Thou shalt not gloss over the first 100 rules thinking no-one will notice.

681: Because vigilance is our watchword.


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## Djinn24 (Jan 12, 2008)

side note, I did read them all, after 300 of them they started to blend together


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

after 300 they didnt make any sense at all.


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## sea dragons (Jan 14, 2008)

682. the sisters of battle summer calendar is now on sale at the armory !!! but only to those who have survived 100 years of war !!!!


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

683. We know what your thinking, but this isn't harry potter, aging potions dont exist.


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## chrisman 007 (Jan 3, 2008)

That was bloody brilliant chaotix :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

chrisman 007 said:


> That was bloody brilliant chaotix :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


thanks Chris:grin: 

-Olek.


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## Wolfherz (Mar 17, 2008)

684.Anarchy is not "cool"
685.Thous shalt not listen to Rage Against The Machine during battles
686.Thou shalt not shout "Get to da choppa!" EVER!
687.There is no "Jesus" nor is there any "bible"


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## Sleepy Dude.. (Feb 7, 2008)

688. im compliance with rule 686: There is no Choppa! only THundahawkz! but that is still prohibited, Even if you are doing a 'Space hulk' style run.
689. one is NEVER allowed to place a warp hole at the lounge and the other at the fridge, that just cramps style.
690. This be the bus number i have to catch to go to work.
691. and the one home again.
692. NEVER place black dots on a Blood angel, it is not funny when they think he has the Black Rage Pox.


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## Wolfherz (Mar 17, 2008)

693.Thou shalt not re-enact the movie "300"
694.The government does not know about you
695.Thous shalt not give interviews
696.Thou shalt not sleep with female reporters


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## CaptainBailean (Feb 20, 2008)

697.thou SHALL re-enact '300' on a daily basis


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## sea dragons (Jan 14, 2008)

698. if thou are re-enacting "300" please do not do it with your local PDF.


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## bob3472 (Feb 20, 2008)

Srry for the previous, heartless, cruel, and callous post. I would appreciate the thread being a bit more ordered but i shouldn't have snapped at y'all like that. keep posting PLZ and be merciful when youre neg repping me for what i said. I know i dont deserve it but still...

Bob


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## Djinn24 (Jan 12, 2008)

I don't think anyone is going to neg rep you. Thank you for editing your post.


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## The Son of Horus (Dec 30, 2006)

-BY ORDER OF THE EMPEROR'S INQUISITION-

Just for future reference, the starter of a thread does not 'own' the thread, nor does he have any moderation control over it (unless, of course, the starter is a moderator to begin with.) Ultimately, the only person who 'owns' anything on here is Jez, and that's purely because he's handling the administrative aspects of running a website. Keep in mind that Heresy is a communal effort, as a forum, and try to keep it clean!


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## bob3472 (Feb 20, 2008)

The Son of Horus said:


> -BY ORDER OF THE EMPEROR'S INQUISITION-
> 
> Just for future reference, the starter of a thread does not 'own' the thread, nor does he have any moderation control over it (unless, of course, the starter is a moderator to begin with.) Ultimately, the only person who 'owns' anything on here is Jez, and that's purely because he's handling the administrative aspects of running a website. Keep in mind that Heresy is a communal effort, as a forum, and try to keep it clean!


Yes Inquisitor, I am eternally at your service. *kneels and begins to grovel at SoH's feet*


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

right..we have left the topic by a long way.

-Olek.


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## bob3472 (Feb 20, 2008)

LOL and *I'M* the one who caused it! Oh the irony! Alright i better do something about it i suppose...

689?. when landing on a Tyranid infested world, always use the buddy system.


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

690. Don't just go to Tyranid worlds alone, bring a freind to die with you!


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## G_Morgan (Mar 3, 2008)

691. You may not pray to the Primarch to buy you a car on your 17th birthday.
692. No you may not borrow the Land Raider until you can afford one.
693. Mainly because we aren't paying you.


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## Sleepy Dude.. (Feb 7, 2008)

694. never say 'pull my finger' to anyone equipped with a power fist. unless you want to become a human slingshot additive.
695. dont light super glue on fire, and yes, it is possible to light it on fire.


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## sea dragons (Jan 14, 2008)

696. in the very likely event of you dieing in battle, be greatfull you dont have to listen you preachy chaplain anymore.

697. remember that when you die please head towards the white light and not the red one.


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## Djinn24 (Jan 12, 2008)

698. When going to an tyranid world, ensure you are with an Imperial Guard company. 
699. They are less crunchy and more appealing to the local populous
701. Don't skip numbers, for the hammer of bob shall strike you.


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## Bogg (Mar 2, 2008)

702. "Taking your Squad out for a stroll, does not count as a re-enact of "300"


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## demon of greed (Jan 20, 2008)

703) thou shalt use captured necrons as a "docking station" for thou ipod


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

704. Thou *SHALT* skip numbers whenever possible.
707. It makes us get to 1000 a lot faster 
710. 710 is a big number.


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## maxtangent (Jan 31, 2008)

711. Before lobbing thy Holy Meltabomb at thy foe, thou shalt count to three.


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## angels of fire (Dec 4, 2007)

712. Thou shalt not say that sanguinius had a bit too much red bull!


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

maxtangent said:


> 711. Before lobbing thy Holy Meltabomb at thy foe, thou shalt count to three.


720. Thou shalt not count to 5, for that is too high, nor count to 2 for that is too low. 3 is the number which you must count too.:laugh::wink::grin::biggrin:


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## Dirge Eterna (Apr 30, 2007)

721. Thou shalt not utilize thine power fists to pry open the bathroom doors "cause you really had to go."

722. Thou shalt not blow thyself up with thine own krak grenade.

723. Thou shalt not shoot thyself in thine foot.

724. Thou shalt finish thine vegetables, or thou shalt have them for breakfast tomorrow.

725. Thou shalt not play "Terminator Tipping"

726. Thou shalt not place camera feeds in a Sister of Battle's monastary.

727. Thou shalt finish thine homework before thou leaves with friends.

728. Thou shalt respect thine bedtime of 10:59.

729. Thou shalt not perform an Exterminatus on thine ex-wife's homeworld.

730. Thou cannot "take the Battle-Barge for a spin."


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## DarknessDawns (Oct 21, 2007)

731. when throwing the holy orb of Antioch(black Templars) thou shalt count to five thus throw ing the holy orb at thine target wishing to blow to thine smitherines


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## Bogg (Mar 2, 2008)

732. Worshipping "Thy rod" is an act of heresy


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

740. Worshipping chaos is also heresy incase you didn't know.
742. Killing fluffy bunnies is also heresy
750. Because they are so cute and fluffY!!


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## Bogg (Mar 2, 2008)

751. Thou Shalt not Spray Paint your battlebrethren with the word "Kick me" on their power supply


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

753. Thau shalt not get fat.
757. It makes the chapter master look bad.


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## Bogg (Mar 2, 2008)

753. Thou shalt not skip numbers! :angry:


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## Tau Chaotix (Mar 1, 2008)

755. Thou *SHALT* skip numbers.


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## thomas2 (Nov 4, 2007)

756. Thou shalt not repeat rules.


djinn24 said:


> 701. Don't skip numbers, for the hammer of bob shall strike you.





Tau Chaotix said:


> 704. Thou SHALT skip numbers whenever possible.





Bogg said:


> 753. Thou shalt not skip numbers!





Tau Chaotix said:


> 755. Thou SHALT skip numbers.


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## demon of greed (Jan 20, 2008)

757) thy sisters are wariors of the emporor not comando's so do not ask them if they enjoy "going comando"


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## silvarius (Mar 21, 2008)

758.the emporer's palace is only accseble on halloween when you can ask only for sweets.
759.losing a ship in the warp is not acceptable you must pay for a new one
760.beating up guard for the money is acceptable only to brother-seargents and any higher ranks
761.using a basalisk to blow up your ex's house is unacceptable you must use a baneblade or any variants revenge is sweeter that way


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## maxtangent (Jan 31, 2008)

762. Once '3' being the third number be reached, lobbeth thy holy Meltabomb at thy foe - blowing him to tiny bits who, not being in the Emperor's sight, shall snuffeth.


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## thomas2 (Nov 4, 2007)

763. Thou shalt not throw meltabombs- you're meant to stick them on!
764. Thou shalt replace all references to throwing meltabombs with frag and krak 
grenades.
765. Thou shalt use prit stick if the meltabomb won't stay on


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## sea dragons (Jan 14, 2008)

766. thou shall not run round the battle naked while the sisters of battle are on board
767. Or at any other time for that matter
768. And no "the emperor made me do it" is not a valid excuse


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## bob3472 (Feb 20, 2008)

djinn24 said:


> 698. When going to an tyranid world, ensure you are with an Imperial Guard company.
> 699. They are less crunchy and more appealing to the local populous
> 701. Don't skip numbers, for the hammer of bob shall strike you.


LOL i didn't remember that one. Just taking a trip down memory lane here. I wish you guys had kept this going. Oh well, i guess i'll just have to ressurect it.

Article "P"

#769. A space marine may keep a pet dog, Daemon or Guardsmen.
#770. dog and daemon fights are prohibited 
#771. Pets may be brought aboard spacecraft
#772. Provided the bridge and admirals quarters are kept free of the three types of waste
#773. It may be advisable to have your guardsmen who are literate to read rule 772


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

774. thou shalt not bite Imperial fists even if they do look like bannanas


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## Wu-Tang-Tau (Apr 2, 2009)

775. Thy shall make sexually suggestive comments toward Adeptus Sororitas


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## jack (Oct 30, 2008)

776. Thou shalt not fart in the rhino.
777. Thou shalt not start a union for chaos marines.
778. Thou shalt not give Marneus Calgar a smurfs video for his birthday.
779. There is no chapter called the "Propa Hard Chavstas"
780. Dont start one.
781. There is no such game as "Lets throw chairs at Khorne"
782. A Imperator Titan is not a toy.
783. Do not tie guardsmen to nuclear missiles, it ruins the aim.
784. The Chapter Master of the Space Wolves is not called Fido.
785. Calling the crimson fists sore losers is not nice.
786. Pedro Kantor is not a company that makes Tacos.
787. Thou shalt not penetrate a rhino in the rear with a powersword.
788. It is not big.
789. And its not funny.
790. And the sisters of Battle will not like it.
791. Especcially if they are in the Rhino at the time.
792. Thou shalt not start a song of there was 5,000,000 green bottles of beer on a wall while travelling in the warp.


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## Child-of-the-Emperor (Feb 22, 2009)

Jacobite said:


> If thou art of the Chaos Persuasion:
> 
> 40. Thou shalt not refer to a Night Lord as a "Space Emo".
> 41. Thou shalt not refer to a Emporers Children Transport as a "Shaggin Wagon".
> ...


Ahahaha, awesome! :biggrin:

793. Thou is not advised to throw a stick and shout "Fetch" at a Space Wolf
794. Thou should not urinate on the Ecclesiarch
795. Thou should not start a rival church and declare the Emperor "A Whiny little Girl"
796. Despite what your commanders say, You shouldn't chase after Land Raiders screaming "Wait! I forgot my bolter!"
797. Remember, Commander Dante is not a vampire, and unless you really need to dont flash a stake and crucifix in his face, and certainly dont sprinkle holy water over his head!
798. When entering the warp, do not scream, even if you just got a splinter; you will probably get gunned down for being posessed by a daemon.


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## deathbringer (Feb 19, 2009)

799. Thou will not say to the imperial fists "Look no hands"
800. Thou will not run to marneus calgar and say "Gulliman is dead" as an April fool
801. The same applies to the custodes and the Emperor
802. Thou will not attempt to dust the thousand sons
803. Thou will not ask Magnus if he wears a monacle
804. Thou will not ding a grey knights armour
805. Thou will not ask Vulkan if u can bleed the lizard
806: Though will not ask the lion if he is waitingfor dorothy to find his courage


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## KarlFranz40k (Jan 30, 2009)

807: Thou shalt not light thy cigarette with holy prometium.

808: Thou shalt not light thy cigarette at all since smoking is banned 

809: Because somebody told the apothecaries it causes lung cancer *sigh*

810: Thou shalt not give a carnifex a raw steak, tame it, and bring it home as a pet.

811: Because they make a serious mess in the chapter barracks.

812: If thy Chaplain has an acident with the holy promethium while lighting his cigarette, thou shalt not make references to Ghost Rider.


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## Wu-Tang-Tau (Apr 2, 2009)

jack said:


> 778. Thou shalt not give Marneus Calgar a smurfs video for his birthday.


Thy shall however give Marneus a smurf porn video for his birthday!


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## Chaoz94 (Jun 17, 2008)

813. thou shalt not misplace power armour in an area populated with sisters of battle
814. if thou dost then thou shalt be slapped round the face with a power fist by a cannoness 
815.thou shalt not give a slanesshi deamon prince a hug just because "its jugs are bigger than my head" 
816. or any other demon for that matter
817. thou shalt not kill pretty marines "because they look and sound gay" 
818. angry marines are exempt from the previous rule 
819. if thou is stationed on terra do not put an iron warrior onto the emperors palace for he shalt start crying
820.or any other traitor to turn away from the emperors light for thou shalt suffer an orbital bombardment

chaoz


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## Chaoz94 (Jun 17, 2008)

sea dragons said:


> 141. thou shall not take a sister of battle to you room, telling her you will show her the true emperor.





Tau Chaotix said:


> 137. Orks are green not blue, also, orks dont have a U on their shoulders.





Pariah Mk.231 said:


> 183. Thou shalt not wear oven mitts when issued a Plasma Gun.
> 187. Thou shalt not go on panty raids into Sister Of Battle Monasteries.
> 188. Thou shalt not get a Sister intoxicated for thy own pleasures.





Tau Chaotix said:


> 199. Thau shalt not ask a Sister of battle, "How much for a few hours baby?"





Sleepy Dude.. said:


> 220. No, you are not allowed to use the Vindicator Cannon to 'drop in' on the sisters of battle.
> 222. The attack bike may have a second seat, but it is not for your girlfriend.





Tau Chaotix said:


> 230. Thau shalt not MAKE porn movies with the sisters.
> 231. And if yo do, PLEASE dont try to pt it on the library computers.
> 232. We all know the librarians are gay anyway.





bob3472 said:


> 223. starting a catfight between a slaanesh daemonette and a Sister of battle and betting on the outcome is not a wise investment plan
> 224. starting a catfight between a slaanesh daemonette and a Sister of battle for your own pleasure is perfectly acceptable
> 225. unless youre an Ultramarine
> 226. you will not ask your company's librarian to install a porn section in the chapter library.


hahaha omfg i am lmao right now

chaoz


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## Dessel_Ordo (Jul 28, 2008)

821. If thou somehow manages to 'score' with a sister of Battle, thou shalt remember to use "The Emperor Protects" for your 'little marine'.
821(a). this rule also applies to Daemonettes, female Eldar, and female Tau.
822. Thou shalt remember that the difference between you bolter and your Gun.
823. Thau shalt not use Thunder hammers, Bikes, and Grots to play polo in the fortress monastaries courtyard.
824. as it leaves a mess.
825 If you find yourself mired in the warp with an Ultramarine, thou shalt not ask him if he knows any old tricks for passing the time. (you wont like the results)
826. thou shalt not keep a pet Kroot solely for the purpose of feeding him the strange animals you find.
827. Thou shalt not taunt the Black Templars for only being alowed to have one Orb of Antioch.
828. they lost their second one during an unfortunate tight-rope pogo-stick accident, its just not cool to bring that up.

(reference: http://media.photobucket.com/image/the emperor protects/deshields538/TheEmperorProtects.jpg )


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## buckythefly (Mar 16, 2009)

829. You will not use Ork weaponry "To find out what it does" as results generally end in the loss of imperial guardsmen.

830. You will not attempt to fire imperial guardsmen using a Shokk Attack cannon, even if "the concept is basically the same"


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## Bladecrest (Apr 9, 2009)

831. Thou shalt not refer to the Horus Heresy as an "Epic Fail".


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## deathbringer (Feb 19, 2009)

832. Thou shalt not make the peace sign in company photographs all space marines are reminded that in the 41st millenium there is only war.


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## lawrence96 (Sep 1, 2008)

833. Thou shalt not commit, or take part in, Thread-o-mancy
834. Thou shalt not "do the robot" while fighting the nercons
835. Thou shalt not use Guass weaponry the remove the sister of Battle's armour


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Can we try and start this up again plz?
Rule 836: Thou shalt not arm wrestle a Dreadnought.
Rule 840: Thou shalt post more rules!


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## Dire Wolf (Jul 16, 2009)

Rule 841: Thou shalt not name an Ironclad Dreadnought "Iron Man". (Ironically, the Sons of Fenrir Chapter call one of their Ironclad Dreadnought "Iron Man" but they are Non-Codex so who cares)


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## Dark Assassin101 (Jul 3, 2009)

842: thou shall not use the flamer to light your cigar as you need your face


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## Lorgar Davion (Dec 26, 2009)

My type of humor is a bit dubious sometimes . I consider that the Fluff of Warhammer to be more funny then actual jokes that can be made from it . To me most of the stuff below is funny because its true . 

For Loyalists : 

- Thou shall sever 2 of your toes in memory of the two unknown primarchs . 
- Thou shall not improve your weapons or create better ones , this will make baby Omnisiah cry 
- Thou shall not tell the Sisters of Battle that your primarch revealed to the chapters of his legion that the Emperor likes boys . 
- Thou shall not reveal to IG troops that during extended campaigns we eat nutrient paste made from our own excrement , if we get called " Stinky Breath " you get sent to the Eye of Terror to sell cookies to Abaddon . 
- Dark Angel Chapter Master : Thou shall no reveal that ones half of us were traitors , that might cast doubt on the rest of us ! 
- Thou shall not comment to Orcs about the dubious positioning of the main gun on a Gargant , let them think they are mammals while we get the fungus spray . 

For Traitors : 

- OMG , STFU , PWND , LOL . . . are not actually incantations to chaos , they just make you look stupid when used in every sentence . Remember you are a Chaos Marine not a WoW / Halo / Counterstrike player . 
- Thou shall know that even a mind warped by chaos will see the futility of argument with such people . 
- Having a tattoo of the Mark of Nurgle on your ass is no longer funny to Grand father Nurgle , he resents the implications . 
- Thou shall not ask the Greatest Lord of Change what he actually saw in the Well of Eternity , he might actually tell you , and we don't want the world unraveling , not just yet . 

For Inquisitors ( a bit of a parallel but still ) : 

- Thou shall not burn a world without a reason , this will cut our revenues . 
- Thou shall never tell the Ministorum that it was Lorgar who wrote the " Lectitio Divinitatus " 
- Thou shall not reveal that the Emperor ordered the killing of the only primarch that tried to save his life by warning him about Horus , Magnus the Red . 
- Thou shall not reveal that Konrad Curze allowed himself to be killed by assassins , this will hurt the feelings of way to many space marine chapters that claimed to have killed him .


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Lorgar Davion said:


> - Thou shall not burn a world without a reason , this will cut our revenues .


Thou SHALT burn a world without reason for although it cuts revenues its fun.


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## Bane_of_Kings (Oct 28, 2009)

858: Thou Shalt not bother to read 16 pages of rules. 
859: Thou Shalt Not Dress up as Khorne for a dressing up party - If doing so, avoid fellow loyalists.
860: On Boarding Missions, Thou Shalt Not ask your commander where the bathroom is. 
861: If boarding a Space Hulk, thou shalt not point out the lack of any pilots.
862: Thou must not read rule 862. Or the next 1000 rules


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