# The Betrayal



## hells_fury (Apr 17, 2008)

this is a rewrite of the story i put up earlier on, i know there is no betrayal in there, but i plan to write more so keep tuned if you enjoy it. Thanks to Gambit 14 and BenedictWolfe for their advice and help. k:

Sister Canoness Helena felt the Thunderhawk she was siting in lurch as another explosion rocked the outside of the transport ship. Glancing to her left she could make out Captain Valisky of the Ultramarines standing alongside was squad of tactical squad of space marines, their blue amour glowing in the dim lighting. To her right was a squad of her fellow sisters, clad in their black amour with their blue capes resting along their bodies. Helena felt her stomach swirl as she remembered his was her first combat situation as a canoness, these sisters next to her and the others in the other Thunderhawks were her responsibility. Every mistake she makes would result in them paying the price. 

Suddenly the intercom blared to life "ETA at hot zone in three minutes" spoke the staticy voice of the pilot before returning to the sounds of distant bolter fire and explosions. Standing up she cleared her throat, "Prepare for combat sisters" she ordered before checking the clip in her bolter, she then turned grabbing her helmet and pulled it over her head. The bitter sweet air from the recyler invaded her lungs, changing her nerves into anticipation of the battle to come. As she sat down Captain Valisky approached her "i have never heard of the adepta sororitas and space marines fighting alongside each other before, the situation must be dire", his voice calm showing no sign of worry. Turning to him she said "the heretic guardsmen of the 702 infantry have turned to chaos and are attempting to summon the blood god Khorne, we are too few in numbers to deal with them". Nodding Captain valisky turned and walked back to his space when the intercom blazed to life again "coming in hot prepare for immediate combat in 10 seconds". Helena turned to her fellow sisters "it begins" she wisphered as the thunderhawk lurched annoucing its contact with the ground.

The landing platform lowered to the ground revealing a city torn apart by constant war, rubble crossing the ground like a colony of ants, the few buildings still standing were teetering on the verge of collapse, the background was lit up by explosions as they rocked the ground. In front of them was 7 squads of imperial guardsmen, thier karki green uniforms stained ith the blood of the civilians they had just slaughtered. The guardsmen were standing still, the shock off three Thunderhawks appearing memorized them, Suddenly the heavy bolter's mounted on the Thunderhawks opened fire cutting down several of the guardsmen before the rest scattered searching for cover. 

Helenas nerves were now replaced by a thirst to slaughter all the tratioris scum, "for the emperor" she screamed as she started running down the platform, her bolter firing from her hip, three more guardsmen fell gashing holes covering their bodies. She could hear the crunch of the dirt each step she took, her empty cartridges hitting the ground before bouncing, her fellow sisters screaming behind her, their bolter's blazing as well. As she charged forward the ground on her left flank shook catching her off guard, out of instinct she hurled herself behind some rubble, her breaths coming in short gasps. Peering over the rubble she could make out Brother Galman in his dreadnaught amour charging forward from the drop pod that carried him to the front line.

His heavy bolter was blazing tossing cartridges meters into the air as the bolts slammed into the hapless guardsmen ripping limbs off their bodies. after a few seconds his heavy flamer burst into life sending searing flames across the battlefield, incinerating all that got in its path. One unfortunate guardsmen caught in the flames ran screaming only to be ripped apart by the heavy bolter. As she crouched behind the rubble another shock wave came from her right, peering over she could she the distinct shape of the penitent engine with the heretic Quasmin chained to it. Behind the holy machine layed the body of the priest that accompanied it into combat, his body covered in burn marks from where the guardsmen lasguns had hit him, the ground underneath him was a puddle of blood as it drained from his body. "those fools, running into combat in nothing but robes and a powerblade, no wonder none of them survive their first battle" Helena thought to herself.

As she leapt over the rubble squeezing off another burst into the guardsmen ranks felling another a Leman Russ burst into view, its main cannon firing. The shell slammed into the legs off the penitent engine, an explosion rocking the battlefield as shrapnel flew off in every direction. An unfortunate Scout fell to the ground, a chunk of metal straight threw his abdomen, his blood spraying over his fellow brothers as they threw themselves to the ground. The stricken war machine lacking support collapsed onto the ground, a buzz saw attached to its left arm impaled into its chest. The enemy tank surged forward its turrent turned to a tactical squad caught in the open, as they scattered its twin linked bolter's opened fire. Several marines fell lifeless to the ground multiple wounds covering their body. As the tank rolled past the collapsed machine the penitent engine raised its right arm firing its heavy flamer engulfing the tank in flames. The flames creeped in through gaps and openings in the tanks amour incinerating the crew before igniting the shells engulfing the penitent engine and the tank in a ball of flames.

Cursing at the loss of the engine Helena peered forward, Captain valisky was standing at the top of a pile of rubble, his sword pointed at a squad of guardsmen cowering in a building, lasgun fire bouncing off his amour. "for the emperor" he screamed before charging the building, his bolter firing causing the already weak building to shudder as each bolt slammed into it. Two squads of tactical marines joined his charge emptying their bolter's into the building. Realizing the building was going to collapse on them the guardsmen charged at the marines firing their lasguns in futile attempts as their blasts bounced off the marines amour. within seconds the two forces reached each other, Captain Valisky cut down a guardsmen, before blasting another two with his bolter, realizing their defeat the guardsmen turned and fleed towards the city center.

Yelling to her fellow sisters Helena charged forward, her bolter blazing as more of the traitorous guardsmen fell, her fellow sisters following her. As they reached the marines sister Zela opened fire with her heavy flamer, the flames rushed across the battlefield catching the fleeing guardsmen incinerating them. "crush the heretics" screamed Helena charging towards the center, searching for more traitors, while passing a building a squad of Berserker's leaped out roaring before leaping towards the sisters. Crouching, Helena turned o the berserker's and fired, two fell before a third reached her slamming its arm into hers. As it connected Helena felt a searing pain through her arm and heard a sickening crack as she dropped her bolter. Screaming she swung her powerblade connecting with the crazed berserker's shoulder, pressing downwards she slid it through its stomach, the berserker screamed in agony as its blood sprayed over Helena before collapsing to the ground as its organs slid out through the gashing wound.

Turning to another berserker she leaped through the air slamming her powerblade into its throat severing its head, blood spurting from its neck the marine stumbled around flailing its arms before collapsing to the ground. Hearing a scream Helena turned seeing a berserker's holding a sisters lifeless body, blood pouring out of the stumps where her arms used to exist, enraged Helena sprinted at the berserker dropping her powerblade and grabbing a bolter, upon reaching the berserker she raised the bolter to its head and opened fire. bits of the berserker's skull and brain matter flew off as bolt after bolt slammed into its head, within seconds nothing was left and it collapsed dropping the sister it was holing.

Looking around all the berserker's layed dead on the ground accompanied by two fellow sisters, breathing heavily she looked at he arm, the amour sat their buckled from the blow, She tried to move her arm but all she felt was fresh spasms off pain. Sighing she reliazed that her arm was broken from the blow, looking up she caught sight off another Leman Russ rolling towards her. "take cover" she yelled to her fellow sisters before diving towards a pile of rubble, The tank catching sight of the sisters in the open opened fire with its bolter. The remainder of the squad was cut down as they tried to escape, a stray bolt slammed into Helena's abdomen as she landed dropping her bolter, a few feet short of cover. Her blood spurted out of the gaping hole, every move filled her body with pain as she dragged herself behide the rubble, cursing she grabbed the wound with her good arm in a futile attempt to stop the blood.

As she watched the tank started to roll towards the rest of the battle force when a krak missile slammed into the front of it, chunks off twisted metal was hurled as the missile exploded destroying the front end of the tank. Staggering to her feet sent fresh spasms off pain through Helena's body causing her to collapse to the ground again.


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## Gambit14 (Aug 30, 2008)

i like the rewrite, good job


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## crabpuff (Aug 5, 2008)

The story is pretty good, but some of the writing is distracting. It needs some technical work but other than that keep it up.


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## Beaky (Dec 15, 2006)

looks good, a bit too much screaming, perhaps some other vehicles? Like it. :good:


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## Casual_T (Jan 2, 2008)

The concept is good, but like the others said, it needs a bit more technical work.


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## XV8crisis (Jul 31, 2008)

good story, but watch your spelling and punctuation. All in all, 4/5. 


____________________________________________________________________
Repent, for nanageddon is upon us! Flee from the hordes of grandmas


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## Vaz (Mar 19, 2008)

Some of the fluff, taken as canon is a bit off - just little things such as the Sisters fighting alognside the Astartes not been done. It was probably the first thing done since their conception, after the Age of Apostasy, and they were probably trying to summon a daemon of Khorne, instead of a Khorne himself.

Also, watch Grammar, Punctuation and Spelling, and all in all, a pretty decent effort. 8/10.


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## XV8crisis (Jul 31, 2008)

this is my attempt at a story of this calibre, please compare. THIS IS IN NO WAY A COMPETITION TO SEE WHOS THE BETTER WRITER!

A cloud of blackness hung over the battlefield, acidous rain fell on the Cadian 33rd who were assembled outside the outpost. In the far distance, beyond the blurred mountains, a pair of tyranid bio-titans were just visible through the smog. The ten-thousand strong front line was silent, as was the rest of the fifty-thousand storng force. The only sound was the occaisional _clunk-click_ of an autocannon being reloaded, or the clanking of tank treads as the two thousand leman russ trundled into position. 

On the front line, corporal Perez and his comrade private Kowalski were in whispered conversation. "I don't think we'll get through this" said the private. Perez slapped him in the face. "We're the cadian 33rd, the best warriors this side of Macragge! We're going to win. Didn't you hear the commisar?"
"I hope you're right, corp, cos i've got a wife and kids back on Cadia and i have no intention of dying here."
Suddenly, a shout echoed over the lines.
"HOSTILES INBOUND!"
As one, every soldier looked to the hills ahead of them. At first, they saw nothing. Then, it dawned on them.

The hill was covered in a living carpet of tyranids. 

Up and down the line, the crack of gunfire started up, the rapid-fire rounds tearing into the advanced swarm. It was futile, however; for every tyranid that fell, two more took its place. 
A scream from behind distracted Perez and Kowalski. A lictor had infiltrated behind the lines, and was holding three guardsmen impaled on each shoulder scythe, a seventh screaming as he was consumed legs-first. Half a dozen other guardsmen were lying at its feet; not a single one was intact. Limbs were strewn everywhere, and as a hellish fury of lasgun fire felled the spook, the termagants and hormagaunts broke the lines. 

From up and down the line came the screams of disembowelled guardsmen, as they fell to the relentless hunger of the tyranids. Only a quick autocannon shot saved Perez from being meat for a termagant. 
"Hold the line! HOLD THE LINE, DAMN YOU!" roared the commisar, shortly before being torn into seven parts by a charging carnifex. 

Several minutes of this fighting passed before the order to fall back was issued. Perez and Kowalski carried their autocannon and ran as fast as they could behind the second line. They gained a little time as the tyranids paused to feast upon the dead. Setting up, the duo aimed their autocannon and blew away a dozen termagants in four seconds. Perez held the trigger down, spinning the powerful cannon as Kowalski fed the ammo in. The other heavy weapon teams followed suit, and by the time the tyranids launched their second attack, their numbers were severely diminished. However, this didn't matter to them; the distant hills were still coated with hungry tyranids.

The once-huge force of the Cadian 33rd was down to ten thousand after just 20 minutes of fighting. SUddenly, a dozen valkyries swooped low and launched a barrage of missiles into the tyranids on the hill. This actually slowed the advance of the horde; with less reinforcements the tyranids weren't as powerful as they had been.

All of a sudden, a drop pod thudded into the earth, followed by a dozen more. A few squads of blood angels ran out of them, bolter fire tearing into the hordes of tyranids. 

The cadians felt renewed strength and joined the space marines in fighting back the tyranid horde. Perez and Kowalski watched the heroic astartes tearing the horde apart. 

That was why they were shocked when three space marines fell to a blast of acid. They had believed that the space marines were indestructable; seeing the mighty marines fall so quickly scared them.

Tired and weary, Perez and Kowalski were just staying alive. Suddenly, a lictor ambushed them; private Kowalski's screams echoed around the buildings as his legs and arms were torn from his body. He was thrown to the horde; he was torn apart, his intestines ripped from his belly and his ribs cracked open. He kept on screaming as his lungs and heart were ripped out. 

Enraged by the sight of his best friend being consumed, Perez scooped up a boltgun from a dead marine and opened fire. He killed a dozen of the flesh-hungry tyranids before he noticed that the screams had stopped. Looking around, he saw the last other guardsmen being torn to shreds. 

he was alone.

One man, three magazines, countless millions of tyranids.

He looked up into the eyes of a hive tyrant.

A scythe the length of a basilisk barrel thrusted through his stomach, lifting him into the air. The lictor's feeder tentacles penetrated his skull and he could do nothing as his skull was prised open and his brain sucked dry slowly. He felt his eyes being sucked backwards inside his skull as his brain was removed completely; the central nervous system down his spine being drawn out. As he slowly died, he saw the ripper swarms close in, devouring everything, even the rockcrete buildings and the adamantium armour of the space marines. 

Gradually, and after the longest most painful two minutes of his life, he died.

:good:


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## Druchii in Space (Apr 7, 2008)

Hells_fury, the concept for it is good, the fact Sisters can have allied marines in there army means this story is fine in my view. As to the writing, aye I agree with the others you need to do more practice on the technical side, but I guess this is why you posted. 

Word power is some thing useful I've found, when I started I had a tendancy of using the same words over and over, and sometimes still fall into the trap, but I read a dictionary now and then to learn more words, and always keep a thesarus handy to find alternatives to words. A good example would be to have had the Ultramarine Captain roaring 'for the emperor!' instead of another screaming. 

As to the Technical side, do you type this really quickly? I ask as its a problem I have, I write so quick on the keyboard my hands can't keep up with what I'm thinking, although I think they are. Its easy to miss words when you write like that, so if this is true of you when writing, just remember to re-read a few times to lock down any missing words.

In all though this is a great starting piece, and with work it will improve, it certainly kept me interested, and thats the main thing.


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## hells_fury (Apr 17, 2008)

cools, thanks everyone, XV8crisis, that was an awesome story, great work :victory:


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## zahariel (Feb 28, 2008)

both these stories are good loved them


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## Ezekiface 73 (Oct 22, 2008)

i think that both stories are great. i like the idea of the tratoris imperial guard. no ffence to the writer, but i dont really like the type of story where all the 'goodies' die, like in desert raiders(40k novel), but thats personal opinion. cant wait to hear what happens to the new canoness


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## Discy (Oct 23, 2008)

Good story, but, Ultrasmurfs and Sisters?
And also, I'll sure about SB fluff. where would a Sister know Khornes name? They hunt down rogue psykers and stuff, not daemons.


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## Micklez (Nov 22, 2008)

I agree, it is infact the only Chaos god which the sisters (possibly) wouldnt know as Khorne doesnt have any psykic powers.

However she is a Cannoness so she would have acess to alot of knowlage. Maybe thats how


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