# Rites of The Bloodied Fist



## Mighty (Jun 8, 2008)

Hey guys this is the first fluff I have ever written it is just a short story of a space marine scout who is remembering his last part of his initiation into the Crimson fist well tell me if you like it or what i can do to become a better writer or just make the story better.


Blinking, he woke up as a bead of sweat ran down the side of his face. He crawled out of his straw bed and stood at the door way of his home; looking out at the sky. He walked back over to his bed, putting on his crudely stitched and overly patched pants. He grabbed his wolf pelt shirt off of the wall and put it on as he walked outside. He started walking along the dirt path that lead to the city square when he stopped and looked back at the wooden shack he called home. He felt a little nostalgic as this would be the last time he saw it again. Taking a deep breath, Toltec turned about and ran towards the city square. 

Toltec slowed down to a fast walk as he entered the outskirts of the city square he could smell savory meat and fruit pies in the air. People were walking to center of the square where the town elder's hall was. All around him he could see decorative people giggling and dressed in festival gown and shirts with bright reds and jade green hues. All the market stands had jades hanging from them as the stand owners put out there various goods. As Toltec walked past a bun stand the owner smiled at him and offered him one, just then Toltec realized he had not eaten all morning and gladly took the roll and tore a huge bite out of it as he walked towards the town square. A crowd was surrounding the elder's hall but gladly moved aside when they saw Toltec coming. Toltec walked through the group of people staring straight ahead even though the people where staring at him with leering smiles, giggles, and awe. Toltec walked in to the the big white rock building of the elder hall, in the middle of the building stood three boys around his age. Toltec walked up and stood next to one and looked up at the elder council. The chief elder stood up from his stone desk he looked at the young recruits with his milky white eyes and wrinkled face his feather crown with red feathers around it except for the middle which had one larger jade green plume that hung over the top noting him as the chief elder. He spoke to the young recruits, Toltec as with the other nodded in agreement with the elders words. The young boys walked out of the elder hall and towards where the city met the swamp. The group of people followed as the young men walked heads held high towards the swamp not knowing if they would even make it back alive. They walked into the swamp as the people cheered and turned back around and head back to the city for the festival.

Toltec ran deeper into the swamp to where the deadliest swamp predator called home. He could see the signs of the hunter on trees and on the ground but still deeper he ran. He smelled the air death was heavy on it. He stopped and moved back some branches of a small bush like plant only to see what he had came here to kill, feasting on something it had already bested. Now it was time for the hunter to become the hunted as he sprang from his hiding place upon the barb dragon. Toltec barely managed to put both hands around the Black scaled neck of the dragon before it whipped its barbed tail into the back of Toltec. Toltec rolled off of the dragon creating a small cloud of dust as he rolled about the ground. Toltec quickly got to two feet as he did he felt the stingy bolt of pain the barb had created when it hit his back. The dragon now aware of Toltec circled him with his tail in its curved upright attack position. Toltec started to circle the dragon when his foot sank into a dirt covered swampy marsh. He lost his balance fell back into the marsh, just as he did the dragon quickly crawled and sprang upon Toltec. The dragon clawed and bite at then stabbed Toltec left shoulder blade with his tail. Toltec yelled in pain swallowing a mouthful of swampy water. Toltec then grabbed the tail of the dragon with his right hand and the mouth of the dragon with his left and threw him off of him. Toltec got upon one knee panting as he took in deep breaths of air he scanned his surroundings when he saw what he would use to beat the beast. He picked up the biggest bolder he could find and carry. The dragon who was sprawling around to get back on its feet did so as Toltec was picking up the boulder. The dragon furious charged at Toltec, Toltec waited for the dragon to strike and as it did Toltec side stepped and dropped the boulder on top of it. Toltec seeing his chance quickly got on top of the dragon and gripped both of his hands around its neck and strangled it. As the dragon body stopped jerking and finally stop all movement Toltec sighed knowing he had bested the beast. After he calmed he felt searing pain all over his body only to notice the whole left side of his shirt was covered in crimson blood, all over his face and arms were little scratches and bite marks, he then reached his left hand up the back of his shirt only to feel a gigantic whelp. But non of that matter he had won he pushed the bolder off of the dragon grabbed it by the tail and started to drag it back towards the town.

Toltec awoke to see Apothecary Garth " Brother Cortes your newly implanted organs are doing fine." Garth said with a smile. Space marine scout Toltec smiled as his reply and got up to head to the training dorm he wanted to train after his dream of the Festival of The Bloodied Fist. To clear his thoughts and see how much more superhuman he was.


----------



## Shogun_Nate (Aug 2, 2008)

Howdy!

A good start but you need to go back and edit it a bit. Granted, I'm no expert in grammatical terms and the like as it has been years since I cracked open an english book but the flow of the story is broken up in several places. The opener is a good place to start. 

_As the light seeped through the wooden blinds and fell upon Toltecs light brown skinned face. He blinking woke up as a bead of sweat ran down the side of his face, he crawled out of his straw bed and stood at the door way of his home looking out at the sky. It was a hot morning and he couldn't help but feel mixed emotions of nervousness and anticipation. Today was the day he had been training for, today was the day he would bring honour to his name. He walked back over to his bed and put on his crudely stitched and overly patched pants and grabbed his wolf pelt shirt off of the wall and put it on as he walked outside. He started walking along the dirt path that lead to the city square when he stopped and looked back at the wooden shack he called a home, feeling a little nostalgic as this would be the last time he saw it again. Toltec took a deep breath and then turned about and ran towards the city square._

You begin with "As the light seeped through the wooden blinds and fell upon Toltecs light brown skinned face." but you don't follow up here. You have a sentence fragment. This can be fixed with the simple addition of 'it' in the place of 'and'. You also need to make Toltecs possesive.

"As the light seeped through the wooden blinds, it fell upon Toltec's light brown-skinned face."

You could also add more to the sentence.

"As the light seeped through the wooden blinds and fell upon Toltec's light brown-skinned face, he___________<---insert verb here.

Punctuation here and there might help as bits of your sentences run together. 

"Blinking, he woke up as a bead of sweat ran down the side of his face. (The following line you can drop the comma and turn it into a sentence to help it flow better.) He crawled out of his straw bed and stood at the door way of his home; looking out at the sky....... He walked back over to his bed, putting on his crudely stitched and overly patched pants.(Again to keep the sentence from meandering, drop the comma and add a period. This way the sentence is easie to read.) He grabbed his wolf pelt shirt off of the wall and put it on as he walked outside. He started walking along the dirt path that lead to the city square when he stopped and looked back at the wooden shack he called home.(take out the comma and put in a period) He felt(change verb tense) a little nostalgic as this would be the last time he saw it again. Taking(reorganize sentence for better flow and verb tense to match) a deep breath, Toltec turned about and ran towards the city square."

As I said, it's a good start but with an edit here and there along with a grammar check, it'll be a great one. I recommend typing it up on Word. That way you can spell/grammar check and have an idea what needs changing. After that, save it to a wordpad and then copy and paste here.

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate


----------



## Mighty (Jun 8, 2008)

Thank you Shogun_nate for all the help I really appreciate it. I will make sure to do that next (if there is a next time) thanks for the tip.


----------



## Shogun_Nate (Aug 2, 2008)

Don't let this dissuade you from writing bud! You just need to refine your work some and go from there. Writing is a very good thing(and keeps Concrete and I in business until the final battle to determine who shall be mod here! IT WILL BE ME!!!...maybe :biggrin! Just keep at it mate. Writing takes a bit of work but the rewards are great. It increases creativity.

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate


----------



## Mighty (Jun 8, 2008)

Haha ok I will thanks :biggrin:


----------

