# The Diary of a Chaos Spawn



## khorneflake (Jul 11, 2008)

Keth 21st, Year of our False Emporer M41.
Journal of Esteemed Champion Tobius Maximus.

Day 1: for scientific measures, i will keep a journal of my journey to spawndom. my quest has led to my own ruin, as i have grown my first tentacle out of my back, after being revoked by my god, our father Nurgle, for princedom. the tentacle is slimy, and maggot ridden... the lord of change sent me a vivion in which i will be a sentinent spawn, with all the articulation and battle acumen that i have now. with each remarkable day, i will put an entry in. 

Day 2: Today, during target practice, i GREW a recitle in my right eye, which allows me to aim very well. cool!!!! i got 40/45 headshots and 44 hits

Day 4: HOLY DAMNATION! i grew 4 more arms on my Sternum, 2 of which have thums, and the other 2 have razor-sharp claws! the posessed marines are so jealous they offered their current host plus some cool-tastic wings for my body. tempting, but i may grow wings later.

Day 10: just when i thought my mutations were done, i fell asleep with my full armor on, and now, my skin is harder than Ceramite. also, my legs split in 2. now i am a quadraped and a hexa -armal. ooh, my 3rd eye that grew into my belly button is glowing.

Day 11: NoiseMarine is playing tonight at Cedric's party. they are gonna play all the good ones. "Horus is comin to town", "Oh, holy Gun", and my favorite "We wish you a merry Kharnmas", due to chaosmas. the Slaneesh cultist are cooking up some awesome booze and drugs. ill fill my journal in the day after tomorrow, due to my Uber-Hangover.

Day 12: xzcxzasxdfcvghbn jmkkk

Day 13: sorry about yesterday, my hangover wore off, or so i thought, but then i threw up some nurglings on my laptop. one of my arms is missing... i think one of those daemons i slept with stole my wallet. we have a raid on an imperial planet tomorrow. ill fill you in later.

Day 16: the raid went too long, and we kinda... killed too many people. i know it sounds wierd, but we accidentily killed some of the slaves. i gave 4 of my arms storm bolters, and it turns out my claws are very sharp. (i cut a Leman Russ in half.) i also grew an eyestalk and my feet are now cloven. also, my skin looks like a Supermeth trip. eww, i have guardsmen stuck in my teeth.

[TO BE CONTINUED]


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## Kale Hellas (Aug 26, 2009)

thats like harold and khuma chaos spawn style


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## Ryuzaki (Nov 1, 2009)

Nice work, keep it up!


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## toffster (Dec 13, 2009)

very funny 

keep it up, i could do with a laugh now and then


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## warghuul (Dec 28, 2009)

thanx to you, I totally want to start a band just so I can call it NoiseMarine, lol!


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## teh emprah's homie (Dec 15, 2009)

haha great i love the glowing eye one lol! keep it up!


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## khorneflake (Jul 11, 2008)

Day 18: I have summarized Slaneesh parties as awesome, but there are reprocussions, as i now owe my firstborn to the archdemon Jergav Jonthorpe. it is is a horrible, hulking brute of a daemon, that convolutes the rules of reality. now, in his realm, shooting a guardsman with a plasma pistol while his little toe is obscured means there is a good chance it goes AROUND HIM. some messed up stuff is going on, even for chaos...

Day 20: found something interesting out today, if you jab a human with an insanity sword, they make funny noises and foam at the mouth, screaming that they are "Legendo" and will "puwn" me. i think i have discovered a new language! i will call it... Leetspeak.

Day 21: i just got my newest mutation, a tail with a hand. this may be the single most Uberly-AWESOME thing that has EVER come to a chaos chosen. now i can scratch my ass, eat popcorn, play against myself on live, AND chop loyalist scum all at once. i love technology.

Day 22: note to self: Urinal cake are NOT as good as previously surmised.

Day 23: i do believe that my missing arm from the party has shown up. Abbadon the Despoiler invited me to a war-room meeting today, and used my arm as a pointer stick. after quietly telling him about the incident at the party, he apologized and gave it back in favor of a Ruler, which he took from a rather surly Khornate nun (note to self: my arm smells like as- OH GOD NO...)

Day 24: the Chaos News Network's shocking expose' on Kh'arn The Betrayer aired today, revealing that in his early life, he acted. his first movie was called "Twilight" his career went down from there after he tore out his supporting actress's throat in the kiss scene. he misunderstood the meaning of "kiss", and knew that Vampires didnt kiss, they "Kissed", leaving their victims to eternal agony.

To Be Continued...


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## Blackheart_101 (Dec 14, 2009)

Hmmmm ... Kharn is that old ?:mrgreen: 
Made me laugh. Keep it up.


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## Inquisitor Varrius (Jul 3, 2008)

Actually, I would pay good money to see Kh'arn replace a certain vampire. :biggrin:


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## Blackheart_101 (Dec 14, 2009)

Inquisitor Varrius said:


> Actually, I would pay good money to see Kh'arn replace a certain vampire. :biggrin:


I bet Kristen Stewart wouldn't. Or any of the Twilight moms for that matter. :mrgreen:


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## Kale Hellas (Aug 26, 2009)

it would make that movie a lot more interesting with kharn


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

Can you imagine how badass a Vampire Kharn would be!
He would make Mr T and Chuck Norris together look like the stupid people that come into everyones store and annoy and irritate and steal from people, oh yeah and somthing about a movie that dosn't exist.


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## Blackheart_101 (Dec 14, 2009)

Stillios, could you give me a link to your Primarch day job thread ??? I can't seem to find it.


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

I would but I dont know how so just go to advanced search and put my name in there.


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## DestroyerHive (Dec 22, 2009)

I made a book similar to that, except it's 18 MS Word pages and not about Warhammer.



> He would make Mr T and Chuck Norris together look like the stupid people that


Not true. Chuck Norris doesn't have a religion, the Gods worship Chick Norris. Kharn does, so technically he's actually worshipping Chuck.:threaten:


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## Captain Stillios (Mar 8, 2009)

No no no no no no no this is the structure of badassness in the 40k universe:
Top 10:
10: Loken
9: Lucius the Eternal
8: Sergeant Telion
7: Prince "Magical poking stick of death" Yriel
6: Leman Russ
5: KHORNE
4: Mephiston LORD OF BEARDYNESS...I MEAN...DEATH!!!!
3: Mr T and Chuck
2: MALAL!
1: Kharn the Betrayer!!!!!!!


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## snarst (Aug 22, 2009)

funny stuff I love 40k parodies


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## Blackheart_101 (Dec 14, 2009)

:mrgreen:Funny. Btw, thnx Stillios.


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## shaantitus (Aug 3, 2009)

Very cool. I really enjoyed it and want more.


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