# can't think of a title yet, but could always use some criticism! (or fans)



## Mechanized Space Corps (Aug 29, 2011)

*Primitive: Rising of an Astartes*

1: the reunion

He heard the sound of metal boots striking a metal floor. He had the sensation of being bound by metal chains wrapped around his arms, but his eyes were still foggy. He started to struggle against these chains as his vision cleared, and then a realisation hit him: these were metal men, their hands wrapped around his wrists making his struggle futile.

One of them looked at him, its long face faintly reminding him of the beasts from legend, powerful, six legged creatures that were used by his ancestors to ride to war. The glowing red eyes looked as though they came from the depths of hell itself.

The metal man had a massive left hand by its side, faintly glowing with energy, and its body was easily dwarfing his own form. He began to think of the elders of his clan back home.

The metal men remained silent and continued their march through this metal tunnel.

2: Memories

Tears began to form as he thought of his home, and what had happened. His clan had been celebrating the birth of a new child, dancing and rejoicing before the open sky itself. His father had told him that one day he would be celebrating as a parent, instead of a clan member.

The fire was roaring, belching smoke into the vast expanse of the sky and he had been watching it, dreaming of nothing in particular when a curiously glowing star had caught his eye. As he looked upon this star, it appeared to be growing brighter, and he quickly noticed that it was not alone, many stars were exhibiting the same quality, and they were all accelerating. 

He was walking towards the elder to inform him of these events, when he heard an ear splitting screaming noise. Confused, he looked around at the other clan members, who were also confused and were looking for the source of the noise, until he felt a massive wind blow over him, knocking him and several dwellings to the ground.

As the wind passed so too did the screaming. He sat up, and saw the carnage that had become of his village.



To be continued. Is he alive? Is he dead? What happened to his village? Where is he? All questions to be answered in good time!


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*Hi*



Mechanized Space Corps said:


> 1: the reunion
> 
> He heard the sound of metal boots striking a metal floor. He had the sensation of being bound by metal chains wrapped around his arms, but his eyes were still foggy.
> 
> ...


Separate the paragraphs. It makes it easier to read. Great start. :grin:


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## Mechanized Space Corps (Aug 29, 2011)

Thanks for the rep, and I will be sure to correct those paragraphs, thanks for the tips! . Worth continuing the story or should I abandon it and begin anew?


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## Ambush Beast (Oct 31, 2010)

*Hi*



Mechanized Space Corps said:


> Thanks for the rep, and I will be sure to correct those paragraphs, thanks for the tips! . Worth continuing the story or should I abandon it and begin anew?


That's a gigantic yes, brother. :shok:

Yes, totally pants!


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## Mechanized Space Corps (Aug 29, 2011)

I was asking because I don't really have any unbiased criticism at home, lol, so I wasn't sure if the story was pants or not  will probably be getting to work on the next few chapters soon, so stay tuned and thanks for reading!


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## Mechanized Space Corps (Aug 29, 2011)

3: Conflict

He didn't know how long it had been since the metal men had placed him in this room.

He had been amazed at how gentle they had been with him. He had fully expected to be thrown unceremoniously into the room, but they had escorted him into the room and left.

Confusion reigned in his mind; why had they placed him here? Why did they not put him in a cell? Why were they not questioning him? What had happened to him on the planet?

4: aftermath

He had passed out somewhere in the ruins of his village. He awoke with a sudden movement, his mind suddenly registering exactly what had happened in the time before.

He walked in a daze through the ruins, when a coughing sound made him jump. Turning around he saw the village seer, an elderly man who never said a great deal, but had an air of undeniable authority about him. The man beckoned him over and whispered into his ear.

"they are coming. Men of great faith and men of no faith. The angels and the demons within us all have arrived to do battle, and we are but playthings to our own emotion. Son of the emperor, find your salvation in my dwelling. Do not listen to the lies of the condemned".

And with that the old man died, leaving questions racing in his mind but his next move clear: he would go to the old mans home. Perhaps there he would be able to make more sense of what the man had said.

It did not take him long to reach the dwelling, even walking through the debris. This home had survived where the others had been destroyed. As he approached the door he felt fury rising inside him at the injustice of it all, coursing through him and threatening to overwhelm him. The hairs on his neck stood up, and he booted the door in with a strength he was unaware he even possesed.

His rage abated immediately, leaving him feeling hollow and lost. Inside the dwelling there were few posessions. A simple bed was on one side, and something on the bed caught his eye. 

It was a sword, a perfectly formed sword. He ran his finger over the tip of the blade, and cut his finger. This blade was extremely sharp, much the better for exacting revenge he thought to himself. He lifted the sword above his head and assumed a high guard stance. 

Yes, whatever had done this to his village would surely pay.


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## Mechanized Space Corps (Aug 29, 2011)

Parts 3+4 are up!


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