# The Signs



## Avatar 95 (Oct 7, 2009)

This is a story which is very long, and I want to post chapter 1, then if enough people reply, I will post chapter 2 and so on.

*Chapter 1: The Development *​
Scout Varnil stood with his new squad. They had all passed the rigorous enlistment exercises set by the Ultramarines. "Greetings Varnil" a large bulky figure said to Varnil. "I am Scout Sergeant Avis" the figure replied. "Nice to meet you sir" Varnil replied. "I think you should meet the rest of your Squad mates" Avis told him. A smaller than usual man approached him, and said "Hello, I am Ocsan". Another man approached him and said in a gruff tone "I am Sarkin". This man was larger than usual, and didn't look out of place with that Heavy Bolter in his hand. "I'm Farrel"said the last. He was small too, but there was something else about him Varnil couldn't put his finger on. 

The group walked to the hall, where Sergeant Telion was going to welcome his newest members of the Scout Company. No-one spoke as they walked to the hall, Telion was obviously very respected, Varnil thought. They entered the hall and sat down. Ocsan nodded to Varnil, as if to say sit down. Telion started to speak. "Brothers, you have done well to pass the tests we had set you" he started. Telion had a long white beard, and looked different to all the other Scouts. Perhaps it was all those medals? "But be warned, there will be much tougher to come." Telion continued. "Lord Marneus Calgar has put great work into the development of the Scouts, and you would be a fool not to repay him." Telion continued this speech for a while, until he heard a siren go off. Varnil did not know what was going on, but everyone was rushing around, grabbing Bolters, and other weapons, while running outside. "Over here!" Ocsan shouted to Varnil. "Get a weapon!". Instinctively, Varnil grabbed a Bolter and, with the rest of his squad, marched outside. "What's going on?" Varnil asked Ocsan. "Macragge is under attack" he replied."It's Tyranids" he continued. But before Varnil could ask more, he was outside, and the shouts were too loud for him to speak. "Brace yourselves men!" Telion shouted. Suddenly, everyone looked at the sky. There it was, a huge black vessel, dropping Tyranids onto Macragge. "Charge!" Ocsan screamed as the weapons fired.

Hope you enjoy it!


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## Ultra111 (Jul 9, 2009)

This has potential mate.
Is this a short story, or a full length piece?
Assuming it is short length...I think you need to create a little more enthusiasm in it. I know its only meeting, but try to be less blunt. You don't need to introduce everyone in the first paragraph, leave some for later, during a battle! All the critisism I can offer, as the rest was good  Just try to lower the 'bluntness' 

Hope this helps mate, look forward to chapter 2 !


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## waltzmelancholy_07 (Sep 30, 2008)

The bluntness was good and very direct but it was overdone and like what Ultra111 already told you... Be more enthusiastic in writing the story and describe your characters in detail.... Make the readers feel like they are on Maccrage itself... 

Expecting the next installment and improvements:victory::grin:....


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## Ultra111 (Jul 9, 2009)

YES Enthusiasm was the word I was forgetting!


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