# THE IMPERIUM TONIGHT #2 - all the latest news from across the galaxy!



## Svartmetall (Jun 16, 2008)

*THE IMPERIUM TONIGHT*
*ALL THE LATEST NEWS FROM ACROSS THE GALAXY*


*LATEST HEADLINES*​
*• Ultramarines: "We're not boring" *
The Ultramarines today attempted to counter continuing claims that the Chapter is overly bland with the launch of their new publicity campaign, designed to give both the Chapter and its members a makeover. Marneus 'Interesting' Calgar presided over the launch of the campaign - which will include activities such as live telecasts from inside the paint factory where Ultramarines Blue is made and applied to the Chapter's vehicles - at an inter-Company golf competition from the gardens of the Ultramarines' headquarters on Macragge. Critics have described the campaign as a 'gimmick' and 'too little, too late'; one commentator, from another Chapter who preferred to remain anonymous, said "By the All-Father, they've never been able to hold their mjod and here's the proof!" 

_Video interview with Marneus 'Interesting' Calgar available. _

*• Plague Planet 'not diseased enough' claim*
The Campaign for Real Ague, a loose association of plague cultists and assorted Nurgle worshippers from across the galaxy, have described their recent visit to Mortarion's Plague Planet as 'a real letdown' after claiming that the planet simply wasn't diseased or decayed enough for their tastes. Eye Of Terror Tours, the organisers of the trip, say Mortarion himself is 'disappointed' by CAMRA's claim and will be working to ensure 'a truly repugnant experience they will never forget' on their next visit.

_Video interview with CAMRA members available. Warning – contains images some people may find disturbing._

*• Mechanicum tight-lipped over missing moon*
The Adeptus Mechanicus have issued the following statement concerning the recent disappearance of the fourth moon of Burgius Minor: "Rumours that the experimental device we were testing on the third moon of Burgius Minor was named the 'Planetary Core Disruptor' are entirely speculative and have no basis in fact. We wish it to be known that we, the faithful servants of the Omnissiah, regard the disappearance of the fourth moon on the same day of the first test of this device as absolutely coincidental, and entirely unrelated to any of our activities." Relatives of the sixty-seven thousand former residents of Burgius Minor IV are less than satisfied with this explanation, and are threatening to bring a class action lawsuit against the Mechanicum.

*• Marbo denies excessive force, claims death by natural causes*
Sly Marbo has once again made the headlines with claims by civil rights groups of excessive force on his part during his latest solo mission, where he assassinated an Eldar Farseer; Marbo denies the charge, maintaining that the Eldar died of natural causes. When asked how he could possibly claim this, given that Farseer Alth'uash was found with twenty-three stab wounds to the head and neck, he merely replied "Actually, I think you'll find it's perfectly natural to be dead when you've been stabbed twenty-three times," before melting into the undergrowth. Civil rights leaders are currently debating how wise it would be to push the issue any further with him.

*• Ogryn chess finals enter ninth year*
And in sports news, veteran Grandmasters Vog and Gorg are now into the ninth year of their epic confrontation in the Grand Final of the All-Segmentum Ogryn Chess Championships. After Vog's stunning breakthrough last year where he finally worked out how the Knight moved, followers of the game believe he is now poised to bring the match to a close somewhere in the next two years. 

_Time-lapsed video footage of game available._


_____​


----------



## Necrosis (Nov 1, 2008)

My favorite news station!
I would give you rep but I have to spread it out more.


----------



## Kreuger (Aug 30, 2010)

I think Svart has his own rep gravity well. It seems to accumulate around him where ever he goes.:biggrin:


----------



## Unforgiven302 (Oct 20, 2008)

Svart's sense of humor is comparable to his modeling skills... pure awesome! 

+Rep is in order.


----------



## Midge913 (Oct 21, 2010)

Svartmetall said:


> *• Mechanicum tight-lipped over missing moon*
> The Adeptus Mechanicus have issued the following statement concerning the recent disappearance of the fourth moon of Burgius Minor: "Rumours that the experimental device we were testing on the third moon of Burgius Minor was named the 'Planetary Core Disruptor' are entirely speculative and have no basis in fact. We wish it to be known that we, the faithful servants of the Omnissiah, regard the disappearance of the fourth moon on the same day of the first test of this device as absolutely coincidental, and entirely unrelated to any of our activities." Relatives of the sixty-seven thousand former residents of Burgius Minor IV are less than satisfied with this explanation, and are threatening to bring a class action lawsuit against the Mechanicum.


Moon? What moon? Was there a moon there?...... <ahem>

Absolutely excellent Svart!


----------



## TheReverend (Dec 2, 2007)

this latest instalment is excellent. A refreshing take on the world of 40k which brings some of the humour back to the grim-dark universe it has evolved into over the last few years.

Keep them coming

Rev


----------



## High_Seraph (Aug 28, 2009)

truly nice as well.


----------



## Doelago (Nov 29, 2009)

:laugh: Holy... Holy shit... Shit man... That was amazing! Glad to hear that you caught the hint and decided to post more of it! (The 100 or so rep points might have something to do with it...) 

Cant wait for more...


----------



## the Autarch (Aug 23, 2009)

ogryn chess? pure awesomness, i would give you rep but the bureacrats say i can't, keep up the good work :victory:


----------



## Tarvitz210300 (Jan 27, 2011)

:laugh::laugh:that made my day thanks i added rep


----------



## EmbraCraig (Jan 19, 2009)

The Campaign for Real Ague made me chuckle - keep them up, like these posts


----------



## Uber Ork (Aug 23, 2010)

Brilliant! Simply brilliant! 

I find myself wishing the "video" links were real!!! :laugh:


Keep it up! Fantastic! :good:


----------



## Ultra111 (Jul 9, 2009)

Awesome yet again


----------



## Serpion5 (Mar 19, 2010)

Excellent. I can`t wait for the chess game to be finished! :laugh:


----------



## Djinn24 (Jan 12, 2008)

Very nice, glad to see you are going to continue doing these!


----------



## Abomination (Jul 6, 2008)

This is comedy gold. Keep em coming.


----------



## shaantitus (Aug 3, 2009)

I snarfed my coffee when i read the marbo one. Champion


----------

