# [40K] The Marneus Calgar's Barmy Army thread



## NoPoet (Apr 18, 2011)

Hi everyone! It's time for Heresy Online to get on its knees and grovel before that might of Marneus Calgar, Master of Ultramar and leader of the Barmy Army!

You thought Marneus Calgar was a boring old fart, a stern and stoic leader of men who commands the utmost respect. You are wrong. Everything you have been told is a lie.

Read the REAL story of Marneus Calgar. Brace yourself, for a legend is reborn.

MARNEUS CALGAR'S BARMY ARMY: TAU VERSUS ULTRAMARINES

Part One

*= Ultramarine Chapter History =*
*
The Astonishing War Record of the Ultramarines*

30th Millennium - The Ultramarines number at least 500,000 men. God, 500,000 of the sods. Thank the Lord for Horus.

31st Millennium - Horus leads the largest warhost of Chaos ever known in the invasion of Earth. Roboute Gulliman and his entire Legion of Ultramarines are at the other side of the galaxy. Gulliman will later write the book on tactical thinking.

31st Millennium - After the Heresy army is destroyed, Gulliman writes a book of military tactics. There is a huge rush of demand for this book. Many copies were returned when it was discovered Gulliman omitted the "How to avoid pitched battles by travelling to the other end of the Milky Way on a goose chase and staying there til the war is over" chapter. It is considered a wacky coincidence that the Imperium which relies on Gulliman's book also worships a corpse.

31st Millennium - The Ultramarines are split into numerous Chapters. Try as we might, it's hard to find something funny to say about this. Roboute Gulliman pegs it in combat. The Ultramarines preserve his body in a sus-an field. Everyone thinks this is a bit weird, as it is like taking a deceased grandparent to the taxidermist.

32nd Millennium - By now the Ultras are charging admission to see their Primarch. Gulliman's position within the field is altered so that he appears to be rearing up like a ferocious bear. This is very popular with children and less so with purists.

41st Millennium - Marneus Calgar is born.

**=||=**
*
The Astonishing War Record of Marneus Calgar*

940.M41 - Entire Ultramarines 1st company wiped out by Tyranid invasion of Macragge. Marneus Calgar survives due to being locked in a bunker typing someone's lottery numbers into a cogitator over and over to "prevent the sky from going purple." Calgar somehow escapes to lead his fleet into battle against the last wounded 'Nid ships in orbit around Macragge. Calgar subsequently lauded as a hero for repulsing the weakened Tyranid fleet.

996.M41 - Marneus Calgar partakes in the decisive Battle of Ichar IV. He spends the entire battle standing behind a Razorback with a medic next to him. Hive Tyrant Andy Chambers drops a spore mine on Calgar's head inflicting 3 wounds. "Fortunately", Calgar has 4 wounds on his profile.

**=||=**

An Astonishing New Look for the Ultramarines

"Right that's it, I've had enough of looking like the Tau. Paint everything purple!"

"Which shade of purple, sir?"

"The same shade as I paint my fingernails!"

The Ultramarines Chapter disappears from active service leaving the Hellhawks, Sons of Light and some other Chapters nobody's heard of swamped with Orks. A year later they return with repainted and very mediaeval looking armour. Everyone comments how nice they look. Nobody mentions that the amount of paper sticking to their power suits makes it look like they just came through an explosion in a print shop.
*
*=||=**
*
= Part One: Marneus Calgar's Barmy Army =*

_In which the Ultramarines are revealed to be cowards and the Tau are shown to be uber-shooty with the ability to crush anything that enters weapon range.

[Originally posted on www.imperial-literature.net December 2001]
_
Marneus Calgar and his men were hiding in a cold network of caves, the only place on the planet safe from Tau firepower.

"Curse those blue ponces," Calgar yelled. "And I'm talking about the Tau, not my men!"

"Shhh, sir!" his banner bearer hissed. "You'll have more of those bloody invincible Battlesuits in here after us."

The situation was simple: Calgar wasn't ordering anyone to go outside because the Tau would shoot them, and the Tau weren't coming in here because the Marines would kick them all around the cave system.

"Sir," the only surviving tech marine reported, "all our tanks were trashed within sixteen seconds of the first Tau ambush. It was like a White Dwarf battle report where someone manages to roll three sixes in a row every turn. Our remaining guns cannot penetrate the Tau armour. We must stay in this underground khazi until our relief ship arrives to nuke the Tau from orbit."

"Yes yes yes," Calgar said impatiently. "And how long will that be?"

The tech marine and standard bearer exchanged unhappy glances. "Er...thirty-seven years, sir."

"Thirty-seven YEARS?!" roared Calgar. "I've got an important dinner next month! Are those wallies in the Navy delayed by "the wrong type of leaves" on the runway again? I sent a communique advising them to equip their starships with anti-leaf lasers. Do they listen? Do they heck! I get a snotty reply from some minion respectfully telling me to jump on a bike with no seat."

"Sir, I -"

Calgar was on one of his rants and talked over the standard bearer. "We ought to report those fat idiots to the Inquisition. Yeah, I know, let's anonymously report the Imperial Navy and say they all worship daemons."

"But sir, we're not supposed to know anything about daemons," the standard-bearer said. "With our unwilling adherence to Murphy's Law we'll probably be executed just for talking about them."

"Shut up you tart," Calgar boomed. "Gaunt's Ghosts talk about them all the time. They don't get executed! Well, except for the "stubborn stereotypical Yorkshireman" who ended up on a Black Ship. Besides, the nearest Inquisitor is over 5,000 light years away, and the Inquisiton is run by a bunch of wallies!"

"That's where you're wrong actually," said a sergeant from the second company, pulling his latex face mask off and revealing the gorgeous features of a female inquisitor.

"Jesus Christ! That's not a man, it's a woman, baby!" Calgar cried. "Quickly men! Hide the weed!"

"You're too late, Space Marine," the Inquisitor said. "I know all about your dirty little habits. Let's review the evidence. Drinking illegal booze? Smoking those stinking "herbal *****" while you're on duty? Looking at Japanese hentai on your portable computer? Talking about daemons? Calling the Inquisition a bunch of wallies? Deviating from Codex by equipping your personal Rhino with a highly illegal assault-cannon-and-targeter combo? And worst of all, you demonstrate a truly astounding level of cowardice by cringing in a cave from blue ponces - and I'm talking about the Tau, not your men! I am going to torture you when this is over. Then after thirty-seven years when the relief ship arrives, do you know what I'm going to do to you? I'm going to make you my bitch."

"What does she mean?" Calgar muttered to his standard bearer, speaking from the corner of his mouth.

"It means you'll be sucking her toes 'til the Rhana Dandra, sir."

"Don't look at your banner-bearer, look at me!" snapped the Inquisitor.

"But I trust him and rely on his counsel," Calgar replied. "I value him so much I give him a ten-foot totem pole to carry into battle, making him the most visible man in the field."

"It's true," said the banner-bearer. "I think..."

"Better let me do the talking, Dick," Calgar whispered too loudly.

"Dick?" the Inquisitor smirked.

"We just call him that to embarrass him. His real name is P*nis."

Ignoring the muffled sniggers of his comrades, the standard-bearer adjusted the weight of his standard and reached out with a free hand. "Dick Bannerman at your service, my lady."

"Dick _Bannerman_?"

"Yes, Dick Bannerman. Is something wrong?"

"You're telling me your name is Bannerman and you're the banner man; you're called Dick and you carry a large wooden pole."

"I am immune to your mockery, Inquisitor," said Dick. "I learned to cope with it after fifteen years of bloody hell at standard bearer school."

"He went to the Marneus Calgar Is Awesome Academy," Calgar said with a smug grin.

"Enough of this nonsense. You've got no chance, Calgar," the inquisitor snapped, striking a mighty pose. "Do you surrender to my authori-tay?"

Calgar straightened to his full weetabix-boosted height of eight foot one inch. "Do I hell!" he spat right into the woman's face, stinking her out with his breath as he hadn't had a chance to clean his teeth all week. As if anyone would spend points buying toothbrushes instead of tanks. Yeah right! They aren't even in the Codex - not that Calgar cares, but that's another story. "As if I'm going to give in to you! I'm a Space Marine special character and I can do whatever I want (with my opponent's consent)."

With that he punched her so hard she exploded against the wall. It reminded him of smacking an Imp while berserk in a game of Doom.

"Heh heh, no-one expects the Inquisition...to explode. These power fists are definitely worth fifty points." Calgar flexed his augmented musculature. Then he remembered he'd just killed the first woman he had seen since 934989/M41. "Damn, I forgot to get a shag, and I think she fancied me!"

Suddenly things got worse: the thin, reedy sound of musical pipes began to creep along the comm-link.

"Tell that feth-wit Milo I'll shove those pipes up his arse in a minute!" roared Calgar. "I'm not putting up with THAT for thirty-seven years."
*
= End of Part One =*

Coming up in part 2: What is that feth-wit Milo doing with the Ultramarines? Is he an annoying Wesley Crusher character who only made it into the story because the writer is a monkey bashing a typewriter? Or will he serve a greater function than playing the bagpipes? Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go along!

(* Yes, ha-ha America, in the UK a *** is a cigarette, so in a sense it's still something you smoke for relaxation purposes)

OTHER MARNEUS CALGAR STORIES

Most of the Barmy Army stories are too foul, crude and generally offensive to post here. You can check the older stories out here:

Part Two (note: this will be posted here shortly if people want it)

Marneus Calgar's Barmy Army - 2008 Christmas Special
"The Night Before Christmas"

Marneus Calgar's Barmy Army - 2009 Christmas Special
"Christmas with the Smurfs"

Marneus Calgar's Barmy Army - 2010 Christmas Special
"The Lion, the Witch and the Tanith Feth-Wit"

**=||=**

UPCOMING MARNEUS CALGAR STORIES

*Marneus Calgar in Tau Vs Ultramarines - Part 3*
_"All right then, what about the White Fiddlers? Surely there can't be a Chapter called the White Fiddlers."
A white-armoured Space Marine at the back of the crowd slowly raised his hand.
"Feth off!" Calgar said in disbelief.
The Marine showed Calgar the Chapter marking on his left shoulder pauldron. It was a tattered-looking picture of Gary Glitter playing a violin.
"All right then, the V for Vendettas."
"Yep," a voice came from the centre of the crowd.
"The Rampant Brigade?"
"Here, my Lord, for the honour of the Emperor!"
"All right, calm down mate, we're not making a computer game. What about the Tax Men?"
"ATTACK FOR TAX!"
"Oh, for feth's sake! Who calls their Chapter the Tax Men? What do you do, persecute heretics who haven't paid their VAT? Anyway, back to silly Chapter names: what about the Sons of Bitches? Even if they are here, who's gonna admit they're a Son of a Bitch?"
The crowd was silent.
"Right, that's better. It's all the fault of the Sons of Bitches. Now for some physical humour! Who wants to see Kojak crawling through a Jeffries Tube?"
The Lord Calgar began to tug his trousers and underpants down.
"Not now, sir," Dick said, practically yanking Calgar's kit back up. "It's only funny when everyone's drunk."_

*Marneus Calgar's Barmy Army - 2012 Christmas Special 
*"A Christmas Calgar"

*Calgar's Kidney Stone*
Calgar's heroic companions must get their leader from the Ultramarine HQ to a distant Apothecarion to have his kindey stones removed. Unfortunately, Macragge is under attack from the forces of Nurgle, including a Nurgle Warlord Titan; have the Ultramarines cashed in their chips? And if not, they probably should, because they're about to get flattened.

*Marneus Pan - Prat in Tights*
Join the Ultramarines and their Tanith mascot as they venture to the dream-world of Neverland, to free it from the threat of a terrible plague. Can our heroes navigate the Minecraft-corrupted landscape while coping with pirates, an alpha-plus psyker called Tinkerbell and a crocodile that bites Calgar's nads off, and defeat the Gutfather – an Exalted Greater Daemon of Nurgle? And if they can overcome all these odds, will Calgar's increasingly strange behaviour lead him to abandon the Ultramarines Chapter and take up his rightful place as Marneus Pan, Prat in Tights?

_"Ho there, Peter, I mean, Marnie Pan. Are we calling him Peter or Marnie?"
"I think he prefers Marneus."
"Feth's sake, I bet even his parents were embarrassed to call him that. Ho! Ho there, sir! Ho!"
Calgar's voice came distantly from the cliff edge.
"Are you calling me, Number Two, or summoning a prostitute?"_


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