# DA Fanfiction: The Roots of Betrayal



## Concrete Hero (Jun 9, 2008)

This piece is one I submitted to a black library short story comp. I didnt make it through but it's given me a chance to think about it and expand. Any comments are appreciated! 

“FORWARD!!” Telusiarnus screamed down the vox-comms, kicking the broken body of a Fallen angel from his path, the crackling power sword ending its deadly arc. Whipping his left arm up his bolter sang as the devastating rounds roared from the barrel, shells exploding around the Fallen as they attempted to fall back through the archway at the end of the hall. One of the Chaos Marines crumpled as the shell reduced his helmet to ceramite shards.

His Battle-Brothers sprinted past him as soon as the order bellowed from his vox, bleached-bone robes fluttering behind as the elite warriors charged down the hallway, bulky shoulder pads dwarfed by the massive and ornate jump-packs sitting on their backs.
A blinding bolt of energy shot from behind, searing heat and the smell of burnt ozone reached his senses and another of the fleeing Fallen was removed from the Galaxy, a white-hot liquid explosion marked his demise, no time to even scream. Brother-Sergeant Telusiarnus smiled grimly beneath his helmet, destroying the Fallen was what he lived for. Shells detonated and ricocheted around, but Telusiarnus pressed on. Bolter fire blared from the thick muzzle, scattering explosive rounds around the archway.

Falling back through the large doorway, one of the traitors turned, the bastard heretic brought a fearsomely large weapon to bear upon them.
“HEAVY BOLTER! COVER!” Screamed one of the veterans, moments before being torn to bloody ribbons by the large calibre rounds.
Snarling, Telusiarnus engaged his jump pack, its turbines flaring to life, propelling him towards the enemy. As he flew through the air his keen senses picked up his battle-brothers engaging their packs, filling the hall with a deafening roar. Telusiarnus slammed into the Fallen, smashing him to the ground. Before the traitor could regain his senses a green comet hurtled towards his helmet. 

The armoured gauntlet smashed into the helm of the Fallen, causing his head to crash against the floor with teeth-shattering force. Telusiarnus quickly scrambled to his feet, the Fallen marine however, still lay on the floor, waving his free hand in front of his mask aimlessly. Without a second’s remorse, the sergeant fired his bolter into the marines head, a quick jolt of the body and it was stilled forever.

“Brother-Sergeant, Carminel, he didn’t stand a chance…” The voice came from behind, was slightly reproachful yet with a hard quality still. Telusiarnus turned to face his battle-brothers, his grilled power helmet staring grimly at each of them.
“Brother Carminel was an exceptional servant of the Emperor, he deserved better. But we cannot mourn for him now; we will press on and honour his spirit.” Turning towards the doorway Telusiarnus moved through the archway, bolter in one hand and humming power sword in the other. His marines kept close and held their assorted arms closer. The small doorway quickly gave way to a large foyer, the same intricate, gothic design as before. The space marines fell in behind the Sergeant as he backed up against a wall approaching the archway.

As Telusiarnus drew in breath to issue covering orders the wall and floor began to explode around them, large chunks of tiling and stone flying loose as the familiar ‘crack’ bolter shots began to spray around them.

“The balcony! Return fire and move!” His robed squadron opened fire at the marines toting the armour whose hue was similar to their own. Sections of the balcony lit up with fire and another searing white-blue bolt of energy flew from close by, turning a section of the enemy cover into liquid stone. Telusiarnus taped the side of his helmet and tuned into the “Redeemer” The battle-barge that waited in low orbit.

“Resistance met, secondary foyer, requesting-” The sergeant was cut off as a streaking black missile flew from the balcony. He barely had time to make a leap backwards before the rocket detonated in the location he sat seconds ago. The blast pushed him backwards but other wise he was uninjured, more than could be said for his battle-brother who was sat beside him… broken chunks of power armour sat in the smoking crater “-Damn these Chaos SCUM! Requesting fire now!” Larger and more concentrated fire began slamming into their cover.

“ -Brother, Captain Lemaar and Brother-Chaplain Vesuves… similar location, fight through … foyer Brother! Thunderhawks inbound … plant the homing beacon for Deathwing support… Higher resistance… Cautious Brother….” 

Not moments after the broken, static fillef response ceased, a roaring was heard over the gunfire, mighty engines resonated above and a sharp whistling sound pierced the air. The fire eased slightly as the more prudent of the traitorous cowards moved from the foyer but this was seconds before the impressive domed roof of the foyer shook with a mighty impact. The explosion rocked the entire room and segments of the roof must have failed under the pressure as a series of crashing rubble reached the Sergeants ears.

“Go, go, go!” The Marines scrambled into the foyer, using the temporary confusion as their only cover “Fire at the balcony!” barked the sergeant, and with well trained response a series of assorted shots pounded the diminished cover. Telusiarnus himself dropped to a crouch and snapped a long Tri-pod from his waist, punching a few of the keys on the side the Tri-pod whirred into life, extending and lighting up the device began to hum with increasing intensity. Planting the homing beacon into the floor firmly he spun around “Engage!” and with the same growling of power the jump-pack threw him into the sky, touching down on the scarred floor of the balcony.

A number of the Fallen were recovering from the blast, twelve? Maybe more. But far fewer were directly ready to resist. Swinging the sword out before him the blade crackled with power once more. As he ran forward a shot slammed into his shoulder, the potentially crippling shot stopped by the impressive pads merely turned his body and elected a fierce anger within him.

Telusiarnus rushed forward, slashing the first Fallen down the breastplate, a shower of blood sprayed from the wound as he moved forward still, turning another to a husk with rapid fire from his bolter as the heretic tried to climb to his feet. His battle-brothers rushed into the fight, some toting the same crackling weapons of destruction, others were wielding large chainswords. The Balcony erupted in a sprawling melee as the marines clashed together, more fallen poured from the doorway behind, bolstering the traitor defence.

Down in the foyer the homing beacon had reached a crescendo, blinking wildly as a powerful static feeling filled the air, the pressure around the beacon increased considerably and the air was sucked in forcefully. A sharp crack followed by a blinding flash preceded the arrival of eight hulking behemoths in the foyer. The terminators stood formidably in their huge personal dreadnought armour; standing over eight feet tall and three feet wide these super-warriors were even more fearsome to behold then the regular.

The terminators quickly turned as a group of fallen marines poured into the room from a close by doorway, some slowed at the heart-stopping sight but some of the more insane charged onwards. The terminators pushed into the Fallen, turning the closest into a pulp of armour and flesh with gigantic power fists and mowing the ones behind down with storm bolters and Assault Cannon fire.

The sprawling battle atop the balcony still raged on, the elite veteran marines were slowly winning the fight against superior numbers. The sounds of heavy artillery and massive explosions sounded from outside the fortress.

Telusiarnus slashed in a mighty arc, dismembering Chaos marines in a single strike, he had fought ruthlessly in this brawl and had personally been responsible for the majority of the ruined Fallen bodies littering the floor.

A helmet-less Fallen charged him, millennia of hatred burning in his eyes. He clashed with a blade similar to that of the sergeants, though the bolts licking the blade held a baleful red tint. The traitor marine withdrew and slashed again though was blocked once more, Telusiarnus smiled beneath his helm, a challenge. The sergeant’s eyes flashed as he saw the gold tint of a plasma pistol in the traitor’s hand. Snapping up his own pistol, the sergeant blew the destructive weapon from the traitor’s hand just as the weapon began to gather power, it flew backwards before detonating in a small blue flash.

Telusiarnus was forced to parry again however, before he could shoot this heretic and soon enough the two were locked clashing blades in the fight. The display was impressive, skilled strokes and strikes as well as clever dodges and blocks. But with an exceptional blow Telusiarnus’ blade was knocked wide, leaving his body exposed. The Fallen angel capitalised instantly, throwing his head forward to butt the sergeant, despite the act he wore no helmet, this attack would knock him down and there he would be defenceless…

As the traitor bore forward, the sword fell from Telusiarnus’ grasp, its weight a hindrance, as did his bolter. Two now-free hands came together on the head of the traitor, stopping him inches from his face. The traitor’s eyes still blazed with that infernal hatred, despite the now apparent understanding. 

Telusiarnus did not blink as he rapidly twisted his hands, violently snapping the neck of the Fallen angel. The eyes-oh-so-bright instantly took a more docile quality as the body slumped lifelessly to the floor.

The Sergeant gathered up his equipment as the last of the traitors were dispatched. Two of his own men lay amongst the dead, one riddled with a score of slashes and the other bore a smoking crater in his chest. Telusiarnus’ Vox began to crackle again as another garbled transmission came through. 

“Closest to … Main Foyer… turn the tide of…… Cut the rot… Caution, disturbances…”


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## Digg40k (Sep 7, 2008)

That was bloody great how could you not make it through the competition?!

Got anymore?


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## Concrete Hero (Jun 9, 2008)

Digg40k said:


> That was bloody great how could you not make it through the competition?!
> 
> Got anymore?


Thanks a million Digg!
That really means a lot!

Well it was a worldwide competition so I don't feel too bad 

I'll get on with it now then lol


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## imm0rtal reaper (Jul 15, 2008)

Said in the voice of William Shatner:



Concrete Hero said:


> “Closest to … Main Foyer… turn the tide of…… Cut the rot… Caution, disturbances…”


...Beam me up God

Seriously, smashing piece of ye olde writings


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## Concrete Hero (Jun 9, 2008)

Cheers reaper!

62 views and _4_ comments, two of them my own... *sob*


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## aM | Gunslinger (Sep 18, 2008)

well ill hand a comment in to ya 
i thought it was great loved the heavy bolter part

good work write more stuff man and get it all posted up


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## Shas La (Oct 13, 2008)

f***ing awesome i mean why havent u got a job in gw book department

best short story ever!!!!!!

i got to hand it to u u have a gift !!

:shok: how can it be tht good? my hat is off to you


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## Concrete Hero (Jun 9, 2008)

Shas La said:


> f***ing awesome i mean why havent u got a job in gw book department
> 
> best short story ever!!!!!!
> 
> ...


Thank you very much! That was such a nice comment I might have to give you Rep for cheering me up.

Lifted my spirits that did. Writing for GW would be something I would Love... Maybe someday eh? Thanks again dude


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## Ezekiface 73 (Oct 22, 2008)

that was the best short story ever, and ive read a few short stories. expecting more from you!:grin:


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## Concrete Hero (Jun 9, 2008)

Ezekiface 73 said:


> that was the best short story ever, and ive read a few short stories. expecting more from you!:grin:


 Cheers! Means a lot! +Rep for you for making me smile.

Got another DA in the works, I want to do a Thousand Sons one too... Get those Rubric marines in there!


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## Ezekiface 73 (Oct 22, 2008)

ill be waiting for them!:grin:


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## Ezekiface 73 (Oct 22, 2008)

one question, have you added on to that story yet???

sorry if im being impatient, but i loooooove dark angels and that story is AWSOME!!!!!


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## Ezekiface 73 (Oct 22, 2008)

ITS ME AGAIN! I WANT THAT STORY!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


Ok, I'm done.


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## Unknown Soldier (Oct 24, 2008)

Well done Concrete, very nicely done. If I had a criticism, it would be in the structuring of the story.

Your writing is very good indeed but I had no sense of a beginning or an end to the story. A lot of 40k fiction seems to be endless descriptions of bloody battles, which I enjoy as much as the next man, but I need a context in which it is set.

Why should I care who wins or loses? What are the consequences of their actions? What is the resolution to the conflict? I need the basics - who, what, where, why and how. You need to ask yourself - if you were judging a short story competition, what would you want from the story? What emotion are you meant to be feeling as you read it? What message / moral / insight is the writer trying to convey?

Please don't think I am being harsh in any way, I really like your writing style and would like to see you flourish if there is ever another short story competition. I hate writing criticism as everyone approaches a story in a different way, but I would really like to see you stretch yourself a bit more plot wise.

I hope you don't find my comments too negative and carry on writing as I do think you have a lot of talent.


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## Shogun_Nate (Aug 2, 2008)

Wow...that was a damned good story. It is well-written with a good pace that keeps the story going. I really think you should write more! 

I think the reason that it's seems to lack structure Unknown Soldier is that it is only a part of what was to be a larger story. I can only assume that had it continued, we would have seen the 'larger picture' as it were as it unfolded. Or, that's how it seems to me. It's as if the story posted was somewhere in the 'middle'. Of course, reading this story while knowing the background of the Dark Angels and their hunt for the fallen the story falls into place. Had Concrete mentioned a bit of the background between the two opposing forces it might be a bit clearer.

Still, an ace story. I'm surprised it wasn't chosen.

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate


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## Unknown Soldier (Oct 24, 2008)

Ah, that's where I'm showing my embarrassing ignorance as I know very little of the Dark Angels background. Thanks for cluing me in Nate.

So apologies Concrete for not knowing the context in which your story is placed. As I stated in my previous post, I think it is extremely well written and because I had no frame of reference, I was a little lost. So ignore my previous criticisms. I can be extremely lazy sometimes and don't always have the time or enthusiasm to look up every bit of canon. Having said that, before I comment on a DA story, I really should have looked into their background a little, so again, apologies.

I read a lot of fan fiction on here and sometimes, they are just long descriptions of battle and as much as I like 'Bolter Porn', if you're not fully up on who's doing what to whom and why, then I can find it a bit confusing. I think that's why I need a more 'structured' plotline, so that even if I don't know every player, I can still get something out of a story.


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## Shogun_Nate (Aug 2, 2008)

LOL! I wouldn't call it embarrassing by any rate. Concrete could have added those little extra tidbits to make it clearer but he was writing from the assumption that we the reader know about the bad blood(as it were) between the Dark Angels and their fallen brethren, or that's my guess. Generally I agree with your comments. That's why when I write I do so under the assumption that one has either no idea or only an inkling of what the background is. Most BL authors do the same thing. They give the reader little nuggets here and there to help them understand the story because not everyone who picks up a 40k novel has ever played/read the background.

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate


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## Concrete Hero (Jun 9, 2008)

*Drop pods in*

Jeez, a whole discussion and I have only just seen it... 

Really sorry about the absence guys, been so bogged down recently and everything is going crazy hectic (in the middle of this trying to procure a online business )

You have pretty much covered what I was going to say after reading Unknown Soldier's first post; It is only a slice of the action and it was intended to have a follow up very soon after... The competition only allowed for a small number of letters with the chance of adding much more in later rounds. So it's a 'Trailer' really.

Yeah, I'm guilty of assuming people would be clued up so that's my fault there 

I'm probably going to be an absolute n*b with the story and cut back really far away then build up and carry on after, but you're comments have inspired me with how to carry on!

Criticism is ALWAYS welcome, you can never stop improving!

So I'll start working on the next segment. But don't hold you're breath, with another novel I'm suppose to be writing, a mammoth amount of science and English work to be done and trying to buy shops I'm getting a bit smothered :biggrin:

Again, sorry for the absence...

Thanks for all the comments! I really appreciate them!

Hero


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